Thursday, January 31, 2013

Lockout in our small town today

So today I got the kids to school. At least two of them. Aidan still had fever last night even though he seemed 100 percent better. Better safe than sorry. About 11am I saw that Dripping Springs schools were under lockout. There is a difference between lock down and lockout. Sad in this day that I know that. There was a guy with a gun close to our schools here. He was a robber but our schools went into lockout because of this. My oldest text me from school. He said he was scared and wanted me to get him. I was watching the updates and knew the guy was in jail already. I may have called him a drama queen not knowing the whole story yet. Note to self....be careful before you throw stones till you hear their side of the story. Now lockout means they lock the school doors to anyone coming or going. Lock down means there is someone in there that could cause harm. What I didn't know is some teachers got confused and had the students under the desk with the lights out. My son was one of them and I called him a drama queen. I felt really bad that I called him a drama queen. It's funny because when I heard about the guy with the gun I felt no fear. I remembered a story my late Grandma wrote about in her journal when her son was in trouble. She was on a plane while her 18 year old son was being killed by a drunk driver. She said an overwhelming emotion of depression came out of know where. She at the time chalked it up as flying over a place that people got depressed while flying over it. Can't remember the name it was something like dundrooms. I know I butchered that but you get what I throwing down. I think about that and I think a mother gets a feeling when something is wrong. I have gotten those feeling before and have been spot on. Thank the lord it was nothing compared to what she felt. What I'm trying to say is I felt in my heart that my babies were safe. Thank you God I was right.

So everyone one who reads this knows we are trying to build our dream home. It's going slower than I thought. We bought the land back in November. We have been in our rental since November. We gave everything to our builder back in November. We just now got our pricing and it is way over our budget. Damn you Pinterest! So tomorrow I have to sit down and take my pinteresting ideas off the house so I can send kids to college......damn you pinterest again. So Hubs and I get into a fight over it. He tells me I need to get a job. Now I had a damn good paying job in our earlier years. I happened to be the money winner when we started out. I have a job now. It's a big job. I get the kids up and out in the am. I may go back to sleep but it's because I have a crummy disease that I never use even though it effects me every day. I wake up and do laundry and get the house together, shop, and cook dinner. I pick three kids from three different schools. Three different schools that I got them to in the am. I feed them talk to them and get them to all their practices. I have given up everything so I could  give them the support they need to be the person they are supposed to be. It's a job. A job that you take seriously. I know all mothers out there that have to work are cussing me right now. I have to say I have no idea how you mothers that have to work do it. My hat is off to you 100 percent. But I do have a job, way bigger than any job could give me. It doesn't pay by the way....and I'm not eating bon bons! Being a stay at home mom I'm at everything. I volunteer for everything too.

I decided to put myself first for the first time n years and took a Zumba class. I crazy love it. So I'm looking for a damn job about now. I could do just about anything  now even though my resume sucks. I have been out of work for a good ten years. Which will put me in a poor paying job. But being a stay at home mom gives you way more experience. You can muti task, take on big jobs, find shit, get people where they need to be, break up stupid fights, cook dinner while doing homework, drive people around while breaking up fights, did I say muti task???? After raising kids I feel I could do just about anything unfortunately on a resume these things don't count. Even though years ago I could have gotten a big paying job. I really think it's bullshit that you give it  up  to raise kids and you can't get a decent paying job due to experience. Us moms have way more experience than a job could ever give us. We are worth the money! I really think being a mom should be a job on a resume. Btw, I miss my sweet niece in the picture. I know I butchered this as far as writing cause I'm tired from fighting. So sorry for bad writing, miss spellings, and bad grammar! Way too tired to proof read!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Germ fest, 2013

 I had to take Aidan...aka...Pig Pen to the doctor today. There is a women and her son in the waiting room. Pig Pen laid his head in my lap while we waited, waited, and waited. I had this strange sad thought. I thought this might be the last time that he is sick and lays his head in my lap. He is my last so this is it for me. I feel like I could tear up. Damn hormones.  So the lady with the sick kid asks me what's wrong with Aidan. I tell her I'm not sure but he has a very high fever. She tells me her son has a stomach bug. That's when I notice a trash can in front of him. I was wondering what the awful smell was. I thought for a while it was me. Ya know that awkward moment when you smell something odd and you secretly try to sniff yourself????  She tells me that they have the trash can because he can't stop throwing up. I think would I look like an asshole if I put my shirt over my face????? Of course I would.  So I sit there fearing breathing the air. Especially after he pukes in front of us. After sitting in the waiting room for 45 minutes with the kid puking in the trash we finally get in.

The Doctor comes in to find out what's going on with Pig Pen. Then she is telling how the kid we were sitting with in the waiting room has that "superbug". I say.."What is the superbug?".  She says.."Norovirus". This name means nothing to me till I get home and "google" it. She tells me that this "Norovirus" is so bad that you pretty much puke every hour on the hour for days. Wishing at this point I would have looked like an asshole and put my shirt over my face. She tells me it is so contagious that washing your hands or sanitizing doesn't even help. So I'm thinking "WTF, Really?" in my head. Wishing I would have just let this crap Pig Pen has ride out and stayed away from here.  There is nothing I hate more than puking kids and puking me. Pig Pen test positive for type A flu. The not so charming prince had it last week. Pig Pen had the flu mist though. The doctor is surprised he got it since the mist is supposed to stop that one. We get a prescription for Tamiflu. She ends up giving me a prescription for Cole too. She says if he starts taking it he will most likely not get it. I stop at Walgreens to drop off my prescriptions. They tell me they are way behind so it's going to be two hours.

We head home so Aidan can sleep. I start to clean the crap out of the house. Fearing it's a germ fest in it. I wash all the sheets and towels in the house. My friend calls and I was telling her about the kid with the stomach bug. She tells me that the superbug story is all over CNN. After I get off the phone with her I "google" it. I know better!!!!! I'm the ignorance is bliss girl. The first site I come to says..."It's 48-60 hours of pure hell". Sounds great! The next site says.."This bug hits the digestive system and causes severe dehydration that could result in hospitalization". I love this next one. It says..."While you feel like your dying your PROBABLY not". I don't like that "PROBABLY". Says...."It's highly contagious and hard to kill". With influenza you have to ingest hundreds of thousands of particles to catch it. With novovirus it only takes less that 20 particles. Wondering if those particles were flying around us after that kid vomited next to us. It also can survive on food, surfaces, and in water!!!!!! This shit is Cray, Cray!
I head back to Walgreens to pick up the tamiflu. Yeah, 150.00 dollars for this with my insurance!!!!! While in Walgreens I start to fear germs. Wondering who around me is sick. I stop at HEB to get a few things after that. While picking up some veggies I wonder if any infected people touched the veggies. Then I think I could be the infected person spreading this crap. When I get home I remember the not so charming prince was drinking out of cartons while he was sick. This is a big No, No, even when he is healthy. See there is a reason I call him the not so charming prince. I decided to throw away the ice tea and the milk. Then I go to the prince's room to put his clean sheets on his bed. While up there I'm picturing green smog everywhere. I see his wallet. I carefully pick it up and steal 5 dollars out of it. He owes me for that milk and tea! Anyway I feel like a lady in waiting! Waiting to get sick. I'm scared that we're going to get this. I really want a get out of jail free card on this one. I've been good I swear!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Fantasy Island


So I don't know if anyone in the world thinks as crazy as I do. I often think of myself on fantasy island. I would have super powers. So I would freeze time and head to fantasy island. Mr Roake would greet me as Tattoo was yelling "De Plane, De Plane" from the bell tower. Mr Roake would say..."My dear, I'm Mr. Roake, your host, welcome to Fantasy Island". I would kind of do a little happy dance and think OMG, I'm on Fantasy Island.  On my Fantasy Island I would sleep, get massages, meditate, work out, and get myself together. On my Fantasy Island it would be me, hot guys waiting on me, massaging me, and feeding me. I would workout, rest, and eat! I would un freeze a few girlfriends once in while to come hang out and get fed from the hot guys. But this is my fantasy so they would have to leave after a while. In this fantasy it's all about me. I would freeze time for about six months or six years...I don't age on my Fantasy Island. It's a nice fantasy right???? I would come back refreshed, being the person I want to be, and looking much younger! In a perfect super power girl world!

Today I had a Mother of the year moment. Aidan.....aka...Pig Pen who suffers from extreme anxiety has a hard time with Mondays. I was getting ready for Zumba when the school nurse called. She said he was in there complaining of a headache. I asked if he had fever. She checked and he didn't. I told her he needed to go back to class. He is a frequent flyer in the nurses office on Mondays. I go to Zumba. When I'm done I see a missed call from the nurse again. I call back and she tells me he came back after lunch complaining again. She tells me he still has no sign of a fever. I tell her to send him back to class. Now in the past I have picked him up. Only to find out that he is just fine when he gets home. I need to be strong or I will never break him of this. I get a third call. He is back again. I end up picking him up. When I get him home I tell him he can't do anything but sleep if he is that sick. He falls right asleep which is strange for him. I walk by about thirty minutes later and touch his head. He is on fire. I feel like a big asshole. He has had a 103 temp for nine hours straight now. He has only woke up to take meds and complain his head, back throat, and stomach hurts. I feel so bad for him.

Cole is up doing homework while I watch the news. There is something on there about the flu. It said cuddling and kissing boosts your oxytocin which helps fight the flu. Then it said having sex twice a week helps fight off the flu. All the sudden Cole says..."Did they just say having sex helps fight the flu????". I say..."Huh???".Trying to play stupid. He says..."They just said having sex helps fight off flu". I say..."There is no way they could know that". Thinking how the hell do they know that anyway.  He says...."So Blake had the flu last week, Aidan has it now, and Dad and you do not". He then says.."That's weird and giggles". I say...."It's kind of weird you don't have it either". Then I giggle. He says..."Oh yeah, that's true". Damn news and Dr Oz with their sex makes you live longer and now fights the flu!!!!!!! I still want to know how they really know that!!!!!!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

17 years of pure bliss

 Hub's and I celebrated our 17 year wedding anniversary last night. 17 years of pure bliss.....yes I laughed out loud when I wrote that. My sister posted this picture of us on facebook last time she was in town. It got a lot of comments and laughs. I wasn't laughing. I was thinking Holy shit Hubs has hair and I have a perfect waistline. Looking at this reminds me we were young once upon a time in a far, far, away land. The land of big hair, half shirts, banana clips, pagers, and those awesome vest. Oh yes and the land of a perfect waistline. Not a worry in the world. Back then we had big hopes. We wanted to get married, have a perfect relationship, have perfect children, pink was on my mind, blue on his, and buy the perfect house. We had no idea what we were in store for. Sometimes I wonder if my future would have flashed before me right before I walked down the aisle what I would have done. I would have run like hell screaming in terror. No joke, thank God that your life only flashes before you at death. I laughed when I wrote that too. Thinking sometimes marriage had felt like death. We got married obviously, bought the house, and had not one but three boys. The only pink in my future was pink lip gloss. When we were imagining and talking about our future plans. We did not really have a clear picture of how it would be. We were still thinking it would be pretty perfect and easy. We had no idea it would be hard and messy at times. Young and dumb comes to mind for sure. Who knew in a marriage there would be late night fights, hurt feelings, talks of breakups, and disappointments. Thank God we always seem to make up in the end. Who knew with buying a first home we would give up a honeymoon and be buried in bills and taxes for a long time. Who knew with kids would come no sleep, giving up lots of things for ourselves, hard work, fights, tears, and they are not perfect. No one is perfect though. Oh yes....plus they took that perfect waistline and Hubs hair away. What were we thinking???????? Thank God we weren't thinking otherwise we would not have made it through 17 years of a lot of bliss and a lot of mind blowing messes.
So Saturday morning started out pretty perfect. Hubs took the day off. This meant I got to sleep in. He took Cole to his basketball game and I got extra ZZZZZZZZZ's. I woke up and they were already back from the game. Hub's brought me a giant Dr Pepper from sonic. Cole came in and told me he got the winning basket in his game. Then he told me right before he got it he said..."I need to make this shot for my mom and dad since it's their anniversary". Then the good old motherly guilt set in that I had missed this moment. I got up and in the kitchen there was a card and a dozen roses. The roses were placed perfectly so what if they were perfectly placed in a Wurstfest beer pitcher. It's the thought that counts right????? So I gave Hubs my gift to him. It was a set of sheets. A few weeks ago he was complaining about our sheets. I listen!!!!!! After he got his sheets I said...."Where's my gift, where's my gift????". He grinned like a cat with it's eyes pooping out of it's head. Ya know the kind you see on those silly cards. He had nothing to say. So I sat down to eat. Aidan...aka...Pig Pen came around the corner. I tell Pig Pen to go ask Dad what he got me as a gift. He disappears for a few minutes. He comes back looking like one of those crazy cats. He sits down and I say..."Well????". He shakes his head and says.."I don't really want to tell you cause your not going to like it". I say.."Just tell me please!!!!!". He says..."Are you sure because your going to be mad???". I say.."Yes". He won't even look up at me when he whispers "vacuum bags". He is shaking his head in disgust. I say.."No, your kidding right??". He says..."I'm not I swear". I say..."Do you think that's a good gift???". He says.."No, I would have never gotten you that". I laugh because I did get Hubs a vacuum for Christmas.

Hubs comes around the corner and I say..."Can I have my gift with lots of excitement in my voice". He says.."I got you vacuum bags". I say.."No, you didn't, now give me the real gift". He has nothing. We go about our day. Running errands and driving kids around. It's time to start getting ready to go out for dinner. Hubs had disappeared in the car for a bit. My guess is he was out scrambling for a gift. My guess was right. He comes around corner and says.."Here is your gift". He hands me a bottle of perfume. I look at it and laugh. He says.."What is so funny????". I say..."I have a full bottle of that same perfume on the bathroom counter". He says..."You do????". Looking a lot like that cat again. He says.."Then you like it". I say..Yes, but I have a big bottle of it already". So he hands me the receipt so I can return it. Now if he was a good listener he would take it back and get me something else that he picked out. Since he is not I will be returning it this week for a different kind. Like I said...no one is perfect.

We go out for a nice dinner at a new steak house in Drip. The food was really good. The people who just bought our house were two tables over from us. I look at him across the table and say..."Wow 17 years what do you think about that??". He says..."I think you still look good". I say..."What???? That is what your thinking???? I still look good???? How about I turned out to be a great partner or mother????". He gets that cat look again and says..."Well I said that cause you sure look pretty tonight". Oh I just want to be loved for my mind!!!!!! After this we head to the Barber Shop, a local beer place. Let the romance continue to flow.

So while writing this I think would I change things or do I have any regrets. I would change of ton of things and I have many regrets if I'm going to be honest. I think most people have things they would change and have regrets. This doesn't mean I would change being married or having my three not so perfect children. I would just like a do over so I could do it all better. After reading this can't you just hear Barry singing "Looks like we made it" in your head??? Lets see if we make it 17 more years. The true test will come when the kids are gone and we really only have each other to hang out with. What would I say is the key to a good marriage????? Biting your tongue lots, stroking their ego a lot, and putting out on a regular basis. Word...I'm still working on all that!

The bird has come and gone

 I haven't blogged in a while because my parents came with my niece. I don't know why but when they come all my worries go away. So they got here Saturday night. I picked them up from the airport and we headed back to our rental. Hubs was cooking steaks for all of us. Of course my mom came with tons of Fanny May chocolate and Garrett's popcorn. Thank you Mama for still making me feel like a kid. While we were eating I was telling my parents about some crazy dreams I was having. I always dream about my grandparents house. My niece who I like to call the golden jerk rudely interrupts me with her own dream story. Now she is way cuter than me and has this crazy cartoon like voice. Totally stealing the show. So all eyes and ears are on her. I swear she was making up her dream story to out do mine. So she is telling us how a witch captured her and put her in a pot. To cook her up. Then the witch ate her and burped her up. So she got away. So my dream story was not so great next to hers. I still swear she never dreamed that. She just has an overactive imagination like mine. I think she should write children's books.
 We did a photo shoot while she was here. I always and I mean always wanted a girl. I was supposed to have a girl according to me. It never happened though. I gave up after two and mistake that turned out perfect. She came and gave us many laughs with her personality that she happens to get from me. At one point she hit the not so charming prince. Then she hide in his closet with her hands over her face. She said she didn't know why she hit hit him and then said she got caught up in the moment. When she said her super girl powers were taken away because of what she did I really did laugh out loud. I never thought I could love anyone as much as my kids until she came. Even if she flat out stole my grumps  away from me. I wish we lived closer.
When the kids were at school we went downtown. She had to poo poo. I took her and got her all settled so I thought. That was until she told everyone that was listening that I left toilet paper in her rear. She picked it out on the streets of Austin. A true girl after my own heart. This girls personality is large and in charge. I look forward to watching her grow up. The fact that she is perfect kind of chaps my ass. Stinks that the trip went so fast!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Debbie finds some good Emails


So my mom...aka...Debbie Downer sends me a lot of Emails. Some I read and others I delete. I think she is one of the only people left still sending random Emails. The fact that the highlight of my Friday night is going through Debbie Emails is sad. So while going through Debbie emails I came across a few strange facts. There was one about WD40. So WD40 keeps flies off of cows. I can't help but wonder what farmer decided to not only spray his cows with WD40 but watched them long enough to see that the flies were gone. I bet there is a lot of shit you could spray on cows that would get rid of flies. My thoughts are AXE.....spray! WD40 also removes lip stick stains. I bet cheating men everywhere wish they knew this. People spray it on legs, arms, hands, and knees, to relieve arthritis pain. Really???? Can you imagine sitting there thinking my arthritis is bothering me. I think I will spray the shit out of myself with WD40! Your not a squeaky door jam!!!! Who thinks to do this???? I'm totally trying it next time I have pain anywhere! I'm thinking of that saying.."The squeaky wheel gets the oil.....only the squeaky joint gets WD40'd. It says it stops ants bites from itching. Damn someone had to be extremely itchy to have decided to spray WD40 on an ant bite. I wish I knew this when I sat in an ant pile earlier this year! I would have done almost anything to stop the itching. I guess I'm not all that and a bag of chips since I didn't think to spray WD40 on them. It says it removes all traces of duct tape. Good for all moms everywhere to know! Next time you can't stand your kids mouths you can not only dream about duct taping their mouths you can do it! Then you could WD40 their mouths and remove any evidence that you did anything wrong. When they call CPS on you, you can say...."Really??????? wouldn't they have duct tape crap left behind on their mouths if that were really true???". The kids would look at you like you lost your mind. You would just smile as if you were the best mom ever and flip them the bird behind the CPS person. Don't think I'm not buying a big supply of duct tape after hearing this. WD40 also untangles jewelry. It removes tomato stains....So all you tomato eating fools. Eat away with your can of WD40! It camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. Good to know if your selling your house. Lubricates noisy door hinges or vehicle doors....No shit! Isn't that what it's for?????? Anyway there were like 40 something things it would do! Kinda funny that it's called WD40 and it does 40 random things!!!!! Still wondering what assholes experimented with the 40 to come up with these finds!

She sent me another email with random crap. The few things that got my interest were..."Did you ever notice: The Roman numerals for forty are XL. I think Hello that shit is loud and clear.....That's why I love Zumba! I refuse to XL myself in the years that "they say" are your best! Then there was the reason for middle names are so your kid knows when they are truly in trouble. Amen! What else could a middle name be for. Oh yes, to honor your relatives with awful names! Then there was the easiest way to find something missing is to replace it. Do you think if I lost Hubs and replaced him with a half dead billionaire people would judge???? I could duct tape him for a while. When I replace him I could WD40 him and act stupid about what happened to him. Gosh...that is awful for even me! Then it says....They who hesitates is probably right. I have hesitated most of my life. RED FLAG!

While writing this entry tonight my high school not so charming prince came down. He wanted to hang out with me and talk. I was shocked for sure. These are few and far between moments. I will take what I can get though. We talked about a lot of stuff. He asked me questions about me in high school. I lied a little bit. For the most part I did the normal high school stuff. I was a pretty good kid. He asked if ever got drunk in high school. I did. Not too much though. I was honest with him. I told him my times in high school drunk were not my greatest memories. I didn't know my limit then and we drank awful stuff that resulted in puking. We talked about lots more. It was nice to talk so openly with him. I hope he is listening to me.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Zumba

I got a call from Hubs this am. He says.."Where did that Christmas tree come from in the garage?". I say..."What Christmas tree?". He says..."Come on Kerry, there is a giant Christmas tree in our garage". I say.."Would you believe the Christmas fairy dropped it by?". He is quiet. I say.."How did you see that Christmas tree anyway?". He says..."Cause it's in the garage". I say..."It's our Christmas tree". He says..."I put our Christmas tree in storage". I say..."It's our new Christmas tree that I got for 90 percent off". He says.."All you did was bitch about our last tree cause the lights didn't work". I say.."That's because I paid 200 for it, this one was only 20 dollars". He says.."How many Christmas trees do we need???". I say..."Is this why you called me?". He says..."No, I called to tell you that you were snoring last night". I say..."And??". He says..."You always complain about my snoring". He did recently video me snoring and send it to me. The only time I have snored in my life was when I was pregnant. My guess is with my new found can of busted biscuits it is causing my snoring. This is why I have started Zumba.

I've gone to Zumba three times this week. I love the class. My friend and I are always in the back because we screw around a bit. We are like the bad cheerleaders that are always a step behind the others. We laugh and complain that the dancing makes us feel like farting. Then we complain that our bladders feel like there going to fall on the floor. We get cramps and we take potty breaks. They have a scale in the bathroom there. I always get on it thinking I have lost weight. Everyone who does Zumba swears the weight starts to fall off of you. I'm always pissed when the scale has not changed. So tonight I walked out and complained to this lady about not losing weight yet. She says..."Yeah, I have been doing this two years and haven't lost much". I'm screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" in my head. She then says..."I guess I have to give up good food and drinks". I say..."But I'm doing this so I can eat and drink....DAMN IT". Then I point out the perfect skinny girl that could Zumba naked and only her boobs would jiggle. I say..."And we have to look at her". She says.."I know, I didn't look like that when I was 12". I say...."We could trip her". She looks at me funny. I say.."I'm just kidding". I mean geez I only trip her in my head!!!!!!!!! When I get home I go to the mirror and lift up my shirt to see if anything has changed. I wonder if I'm the only one who expects immediate gratification. I'm sticking with this though. By my birthday I'm going to be reporting on all my weight loss!!!!!!!! Now I wrote it down in black and white so I need to get it done!

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Burning down the house

This morning was freezing in Austin. You would think since I grew up in Chicago it would be no big deal. But I was cold. I even warmed up the car before we left for school. After I saw the front of three different schools before 8am I headed back home. I couldn't wait to get back in bed. Nothing better than being able to lay back down on a cold day. When I finally woke up I decided to light a candle since the house still has the aroma of burnt noodles from Cole. The candle had a lot of black crap from the wicks around it. I picked it up and shook the extra black stuff in the trash. Yes, this was after I lit it but I did just light it a few minutes ago. I'm not the brightest bulb in the bunch. After that I headed to the shower. In this rental there is not a lot of counter space in the master bath. So I keep a bunch of my things in the other bathroom. I needed to get my face wash so I walked out to the other bathroom. I thought damn that candle smells smokey. I headed back into the master and turned on the shower. Since I was waiting for a call from Aidan's DR I ran into the kitchen to grab my phone off the charger. When I got in there the garbage was not only on fire it looked like a bomb fire. I grabbed a bucket from the garage and tried to fill it with water as fast as I could. I'm in my underwear by the way. As I'm filling the bucket the fire is getting bigger and bigger and the plastic garbage is starting to buckle. I'm over the sink in my underwear in a total panic. The strange thing is that I'm singing that song "burning down the house" while I fill it. I have a strange habit of singing songs in my head that remind me of what's going on in my world. I often sing  "On the road again".  I get the bucket of water poured in the garbage. Most of the fire goes out. Then it starts up from the bottom and it's moving up fast. I start to fill the bucket again thinking in my head Hubs is going to kill me if I burn down the rental. I get another bucket poured on it and it is out. The house is filled with smoke and smells of burnt plastic. The smoke alarms never went off so I guess they don't work. I open the back door and drag the garbage out on the patio fearing that it will start up again. Totally forgetting that I'm in my underwear.


After I come back in I realize I'm in my underwear. Most days when I step out on my patio my neighbor is out there smoking a cig. Thank God I don't think he was out there. At least I hope not. I was kind of preoccupied. I have a feeling when we leave these neighbors will be throwing a going away party that we're not invited to. I leave the back door open to try and get the smoke out while I get in the shower. I thought to myself  God was looking out for me for sure. If I did not go out to get my phone my house would have been on fire for sure. That fire was taking off fast. So I'm in the shower singing in my head that song by Alicia Keys. Ya know the one..."This girl is on fire". I was singing "This trash is on fire" in my head. Don't judge singing shit that is happening to me makes me feel better. I always wanted to be a rock star. After I get out of the shower Hubs calls. He asks me what my plans are for the day. I tell him I'm going out to buy a new garbage. He tells me between Christmas, trying to build our dream house, and the big cut his paycheck just took(thank you, Obama) we need to buckle up for a few months. I say....."So we can't afford a new garbage?". He says.."Of course we can but we don't need to buying anything unless we really need it". I say.."We really need one". He says.."We will get one for the new house, the one we have is fine for now". I say..."No, we really need one". He says..."Just wait to replace stuff till we get in the new house". I say.."I kind of set the one we have on fire and it is out on the patio a little warped". He says.."Your joking right?". I say.."Not so much". He says.."How the hell did you set the trash on fire???". I say..."Let me just say the house could have went down in flames but I managed to keep the flames in the trash, I'm kind of the rock star of putting fires out". He says.."What are you talking about??". I say.."I put some hot candle black shit in it and kind of set it on fire, melted it, and now we need a new one". I then say.."By the way, I'm fine in case you were worried, and we really did need a new one since we had that one for like 12 years". He says.."Your joking right?". I say.."nope". I say..."Guess what, the fire alarms don't work very well in here either".

I was expecting a lecture from him. He tries to lecture me a lot as if I'm his child. I always tell him lecturing me as if I was his child is no good for our sex life. He may be listening after 17 years of marriage. He says..."I guess your shopping for a new garbage today". I pick up all the kids from school, before I do I stop at Home Depot. I don't like the trash cans there. After I drop them at home I head to Garden Ridge to look at the cans there. When I walk in I see the Christmas trees are 90 percent off. Since I want to do the Christmas walk next year I get a little excited. I pick up a 200 hundred dollar tree for twenty. I do get a trash can too. When I get home I bring the can in and leave the tree in the back of my car. I'm hiding it from Hubs since he is not 100 percent on board for the Christmas walk yet. He doesn't like my can. He tells me there are way better cans at Cost Co. I say.."I will return it and you buy the way better can from Cost Co". Thinking..."Can snob" in my head!

I'm heading to Zumba after I get home. I had not been since I was sick. I kind of love this class. Makes me think I could totally do dancing with the stars. Oh wait, I'm not a star. I guess that fantasy is out. I had a great time at class. When I headed home Hubs car was not in the driveway. He has been working out which is a whole other conversation. I thought this is the time to get the tree out of my car. I run in and open the garage. I pull the tree out of my car to hide it in the garage. Which takes skills by the way.

So back to Hubs is working out story. The other night I was watching shit TV and Hubs tells me he is going to work out. I pause the TV and say.."Cosmo mag says when your man starts to work out it may mean he has a girlfriend". He laughs. I say.."What are you laughing about????". I say.."You do have mono, which is the "Kissing" disease". I ask him if he has something to tell me. He laughs and says...."Are you joking Kerry, we are building our dream home not to mention you would take more than half my shit since we have three kids, you stopped working cause of me, we're in Texas that promotes alimony, and how could I possibly replace someone like you?". When he said "How could I possibly replace someone like you" I heard a tad of sarcasm in his voice. But then I realized dude would owe me his left nut if we split and that would not be so attractive to any sane girl. But on the other hand there are a lot of not so sane gals out there. An old wise owl told me if you stroke their ego and put out regularly you are all good. So I think I'm alright.

After Zumba and the hidden tree I settle in for some good DVRed crap. Cole is at the kitchen doing homework drumming with his pen. I keep telling him to stop with the pen. He learned this new annoying trait going to Zumba with me tonight. The instructors son was doing it there. I do have to say the instructors son is a great kid even if he taught Cole and Aidan an annoying trait. So Hubs says he is going to bed because this Mono thing still has him down. My phone which is on the charger makes a noise. I tell Cole to check it. He say.."Dad wants you to turn the TV down". So I do. A few minutes later my phone buzzes again. I tell Cole to check it. He says..Dad says "If you want to get naked I'm ready and willing". Priceless!!!!!! Right! OMG, trying to explain to a 6th grader that it was a joke was not going the way I expected. Because you do know as a kid thinking of your parents getting naked is the equivalent of puking in your mouth!!!!

Monday, January 14, 2013

Nutribullet=woot woot

I received a Nutribullet for Christmas. From myself. I opened it and said "Oh my gosh, just what I wanted, how did you guys know". These people I lived with look confused wondering who got me the greatest gift in the world. They kind of looked at each other trying to figure out who hit the nail on the head. I didn't give a clue that I had gotten it for myself. A girls got to do what a girls got to do. These people I live with don't listen very well. If they did there would have been a second bullet under that tree.

I was up one night not being able to sleep and saw the infomercial for this sucker. I was sold even though I had just bought a pain in the ass juicer. Since I had just bought a juicer and had already used it I stuck with that for a while. The problem with the juicer is it is a huge pain in my ass. Now if I was super wealthy I would have a person that would juice for me. Since I'm not super wealthy yet...hear me "Universe"? I have to do everything myself. I would get on juicing kicks and do it everyday. The clean up was not fun. While cleaning up my evil twin would be saying "Nutribullet". Then I would go on juicing strike because I'm lazy by nature. I couldn't get that damn Nutribullet out of my head.

So I started using it two weeks ago. This puppy promises to give you energy, cure crappy shit going on with you, do wonders for your skin, helps with depression, helps the immune system, gives you all the nutrients your body is lacking, helps with mental pause, makes you happier, and the list goes on. I expected results. Results that I never got from expensive face creams. When I started it two weeks ago I had a strange rash on the palms of my hand and on my feet that itched like a bitch. I itched it so much that I opened the skin. Having MS I have been suffering from strange rashes for a while. "They say" whoever they are that it is because my body can't fight off bad bacteria. My face looked dull. I couldn't sleep, except in the morning. I felt depressed, a strange blue feeling I had never felt before. My hair felt dry, brittle, and it was falling out. I was having hot flashes every hour on the hour. I would wake up with something called the MS hug in the night. This is something that has taken me years not to freak out over. It feels like someone is squeezing the shit out of your insides. I used to worry that I was having a heart attack. Then I realized it was just a reminder that I had a crappy disease.  I was also having extreme anxiety and flying off the handle for no good reason.   The whites of my eye didn't look like "Kardashian" white! Every time I watch them I wonder how the hell their eye whites are so white. I get the teeth!

So here are my results. My rashes are gone. My skin looks better. My sleep still sucks! I swear I could fall asleep soundly at 4 pm but at 4 am I'm a hot mess. My depression is not half as bad. My hair feels softer again. My hot flashes have decreased by at least 50 percent if not more. I have not had an MS hug....Knock on wood! My anxiety has been way better. I have not flown off the handle as much. My people I live with are probably loving that. Cool as a cucumber.....knock on wood. My eyes look whiter. Not Kardashian white but I'll take what I can get. I have more energy for sure. I have not lost a damn pound though...It does promise weight loss too. I swear this fat it super glue. It likes it here and doesn't want to go. I still bitch at it nightly and kind of make it talk sometimes like Honey Boo Boo. I guess I need to give up burgers and go go juice.

I have hubs on the bullet too. He is like a walking talking informercial for it. He is still fighting his mono.  I'm trying to get my kids to at least have a small glass. They are not on board yet since they have been raised in the fast food generation. Thank God they are super healthy kids. I would like to get Aidan on it more since he suffers from extreme anxiety. We are a work in process here. I did get really sick last week for the first time in a very long time. I do believe it is because every one and their mother is sick around me.

Anyway, I'm really loving the Nutribullet. It is fun to use and the clean up is a snap. I have used it everyday since I got it. I pack it with Kale, spinach, broccoli. cucumbers, celery, fruits, nuts, goji berries, flax, nuts, and chi seeds! I can say it has done some amazing things for sure. I loved it so much that I bought one for my Dad...aka...Grumps. He comes in this week and I can't wait to give it to him. I have to laugh out loud. I was talking to my Grumps on the phone today. He recently retired. I was telling him about my nutribullet. He was telling me how he has had a different beer everyday since he retired. He said he has tried over 70 beers. His goal is to try a different beer everyday for a year. I didn't even know they made that many beers.

Can't wait to see my parents and my sweet niece later this week. Counting the sleeps for sure. On a final note. I hosted a weekend sleepover with way too many high school boys. I like being the house though. That way I can keep an eye on them. Not much gets past me since I have a hard time sleeping. I was disappointed while talking to the high school boys that drugs are all over our high school and they are easy to get. I talk about drugs all the time with these people. I hope they are listening. I have seen too many good people get hooked in my lifetime. It scares the hell out of me since I'm a firm believer that no one would pick that life for themselves.   I also heard an awful story about Cole this weekend. While at a basketball game I heard that he broke up with his "girlfriend" in a not so nice way. If your a regular reader of my blog you know I burn it into my boys brain to be nice to girls. Since girls carry this crap with them their whole life....Hello I'm still upset Brendan O'Donnell never looked my way. I heard that he walked up to her in front of her friends, made a joke, and then said "Poof" your single. In a most dramatic way....cause ya know he's not that guy..."the dramatic one". I wanted to die! I did also hear that she was telling everyone he wasn't all that.  Oh the middle school drama! I need to step away for sure

Back to the guy who never gave me the time of day. A funny thing happened the other night. Grumps and Debbie called me. They said.."Do you remember Brendan O'donnell"? I say..."um Yes, I loved him from third grade till eight, he never gave me the time of day and that still chaps my ass". My Grumps says.."I thought that name was familiar". I ask "why do you ask?". He says.."We ate at a restaurant tonight that his sister owns". I say..."Oh my God did you tell her about me and my middle school issues???". He says..."No", is your husband listening to you?". I say.."Yes, he's right here and knows my middle school issues and doesn't give a crap".  I say "did you ask what he's doing?". He says.."NO!".  I wish he would have asked about him since he is no where on Facebook.  He really never gave any girl the time of day except that Ursula twin!! Anyone from IC that reads this will know exacty what I'm talking about! Anyway just got back from taking Cole to school. Some lady tried to cut me off and then got pissed when I didn't let her. She flipped me the bird. Then she ended up in front of me in the school drop off line. Bet she didn't think we were going to the same place. ASSHOLE!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Karma came a knocking at my door and it's bitchy

I was so excited for the kids to go back to school Tuesday. What would I do with my day??? Sleep? Shop? Watch shit TV? So the alarm went off way too early. The kids had an awful time falling asleep the night before. They were used to staying up all night hogging my TV and my computer. After I got the kids to school I went back to bed. I thought I was settling in for a nice nap. About an hour went by and I woke up with unbelievable stomach pain. My throat was sore too. I laid in bed feeling awful till 12:30. After I dragged myself up I went to the sofa where I laid in pain. I tried to watch shit TV but found myself watching "Good luck Charlie". I guess I became a little addicted to it after two weeks of it. I laid there feeling worst and worst. I imagined that "Karma" who I pictured as a nasty bitch was talking to me. She was saying..."You complained about your kids for two weeks, looked forward to them going back to school. Now look at you, sick as a dog". "That's Karma sweetheart" . I was yelling shut-up in my head to the "Karma" bitch I was picturing. Thinking "Hello padded cell my name is Kerry".

Three rolled around and I needed to get Pig Pen from school. I didn't know how I would make it because my stomach was killing me. I got him in the car and told him I didn't feel good at all. He says..."You need to take a hot shower, get in your PJ's, and relax". So sweet. I ask him if he will take care of me and if I can live with him when I'm old. He says..."Yes, of course you can". AWE! I say, "What if I'm a crazy crabby old lady?". He says..."I will build you a separate house then". I like his way of thinking since I often picture myself in a seperate house in the yard. I say "What if your wife hates me?". He says...."I will dump her then because I don't like anyone who doesn't like you". AWE!!!!!!! I'm saving this blog entry just in case I have any problems with his future wife!!!!!!!! Bitch is out if I don't like her!!!!!! HeHe...I'm just kidding I swear!

We go home for a bit before I have to head to Drip to pick up Cole. He gets in the car and I ask how was school. He says..."Aright". I ask how it went having a girlfriend in school for the first time. He looks at me with a face only Cole can make and he says...."I'm just not that guy". I say.."What guy". He says very dramatically..." the drama kind of guy". I don't want to laugh because my stomach is killing me. But boy I'm laughing inside for sure. I say..."What does all this have to do with having a girlfriend?". He says..."Everyone acts all dramatic about it and teases me". I think in my head "Imagine that". I can't believe 6th graders could act so silly. I go into my speech. The one about how sensitive girls are. I tell him he better be respectful and kind to her. He shakes his head as if he hears what I'm saying. We get home and I check his phone. I have been watching his text back and forth with her like a hawk. She text something about how annoying all the kids were in school about them dating. She text about some not so nice things kids said. She was rambling, apologizing, asking if he was there cause he was not texting back. She was questioning him and why he was dating her and then apologizing again. Asking again why he was not texting back. She then text telling him people are texting her telling her he's going to break up with her. She text she doesn't want to be the girl that everyone dates for a few days and breaks up with. Oh my, how many guys could this girl have dated she is all of 12. "DRAMA", I think her and Cole make a good couple. Then texting things like "Hello, are you mad at me, do you still like me, am I being annoying. and so on. Typical tween girl stuff. Reminds me of myself at that age. Thank you Jesus I did not have a texting phone or a facebook!!!!! He was not texting back and it was driving her nuts. Typical right???? Girl doesn't get that never gets better! Then I see a text from him that made me want to scratch me eyes out. He text just think of us as "Justin and Selena". I realize right then and there that he hears nothing that I say!!!!!! She text back their broken up. He text back exactly. My heart sank!

So I call him in to have a chat about the text. I say..."Cole that "Justin and Selena" comment is so rude". I tell him I can't believe how mean that is. He says..."I told you mom I'm not that guy". I say..."What guy???". He says..."The dating guy". He tells me girls text too much and their too dramatic about stuff. I get that judging by all the dramatic text. That's not the point though. I tell him that he needs to text her and tell her he was just kidding. I tell him she doesn't want to be that girl the guys just break up with. I tell him to let me text her and fix things. He says "What are you going to say". So he's thinking about letting me text her. I say.."I'm going to tell her you were joking and that you don't want to break up". "I'm going to tell her that you were just bothered by the teasing but you or her shouldn't listen to immature kids". "I'm going to tell her she looked nice today and that you lucky she's your girlfriend". He says..."You didn't see her. How do you know she looked nice?". I say.."Girls like to hear things like that". He says..."Mom, all that makes me sound crazy and you can't text her that craziness". So I sit there and I think he is right. I'm trying to turn him into the guy I wanted in middle school. The guy that said all the right things. He's right he would sound crazy because no 6th grade boy talks like that. Men really are from Mars I'm reminded of that everyday! If only I knew that in my younger years...it would have explained a lot! I tell him please text her and tell her you were kidding about the Justin thing and wait a while to break up with her because I felt bad about what she wrote in that text. I don't want her to be that girl. I try to tell him again how sensitive girls are. He agrees and sends her a "JKing" text. She sends a text about hanging out before school. I may have text back..."Of course". Because that is totally something a 6th grade boy would say!!!! I did get hearts back though! If only we aged in reverse we would be a much better society.I do feel better that he told her he was joking even if I helped him with that conclusion.

Day two of the kids are back in school. I get up hoping to feel better. Not so much. My stomach hurts more than ever. I'm tying to get the kids ready. While I'm doing this Pig Pen is hanging over the toilet telling me he's going to puke. I say..."Come on get ready, you are fine". He has a bad habit of faking illness. I go up to get Blake. When I come down Aidan says.."I threw up". I say.."Let me see". Cause I love to look at puke. So it looks like there's puke in the toilet. I tell him to go back to bed. I take the other two to school. They complain all the way there that Aidan is a faker. I get home double overed in pain and go back to bed. I wake up to Pig Pen eating and playing Xbox. I think he sure doesn't look sick. I'm sick though so I lay back down. I start to panic because I have watched way too much Dr OZ. I start to think what if this is colon cancer or stomach cancer. I start to think this is a different pain than I normally get and it's not going away. And I wonder where the Pig Pen gets his worry from.

I have to go get Cole, Blake, and Blake's girlfriend from school. Blake gets in the car and puts his jacket over his face. I say.."What are you doing??". He says..."Your sick and I don't want it". So much for him telling me to take a hot shower and relax. After we get home I lay on the sofa, hurting! I can't stand up straight without pain. My throat is still sore too. Damn, Karma! I get up to make some dinner. I can't eat but I sit down to visit with the kids while they eat. Blake's girlfriend says..."Kerry, I read your blog". I feel my face start to heat up, my stomach hurts more! I say..."You do???". Knowing good and well I have blogged about her. Now I never use names except my immediate families names but I'm sure she knew it was her I referred to as a "thing". She says.."It's funny". I say "thank you". I ask "do you read it all the time?". She says.."It's been a while". Thank you God for small favors!!!!!! Now I do have to say I referred to her as a "thing" because that's what Blake referred to her as. I was complaining about the fact that he referred to her as a  "thing". He said she referrers to him as a "thing" too. I just don't get this generation!!!! I would never want to be anyones "thing" well unless it was the most fabulous "thing" they ever had! I really like her a lot! My gosh though there is no telling what I joked on here!!!!! BTW, later in the day I realize that Pig Pen threw his cereal in the toilet to look like puke! He is a brilliant ass! Now that I think back it did look like frosted flakes that sat in milk too long!

Day three of the kids are back in school. I wake up with no pain in my stomach. My throat is still sore and I'm super weak and tired. I get all the kids to school Pig Pen included. I go home hit the hay and wake up at 11. I still feel under the weather. I have almost no energy. At 2:00 I manage to get up and clean most of the house. The rental is nice it takes a few hours to clean verses two days. I start to think about the fact Hubs just got diagnosed with Mono two weeks ago. Now the fact that it is the "Kissing disease" is an on going joke with everyone I know. Still wondering who Hubs has been kissing I "google" Mono symptoms. Fatigue, aches, sore throat, could last a month to several months. Doesn't explain stomach pain, at least not yet! Then I come across mono can make your spleen enlarge which causes stomach pain!!!! Bingo! I think I have it! I call Hubs and say..."You gave me mono!!!!!". He says..."No I didn't, we don't kiss and you haven't even slept in the same bed because of hot flashes". He's kind of ugly and bitter. I say..."but we do drink out of the same beer sometimes and my God we have played hide the sausage". He says..."Played hided the sausage we're not in high school". I say..."but you did give it to me meaning mono". He says.."Don't go around telling everyone you have it cause you don't even know". I say.."Hello, sore throat, fatigue, body ache, stomach issues". He says...."that's all the shit you eat". No, sympathy. I did go to Zumba tonight hoping to sweat out this whatever it is. I did sit out for a few songs though! When I sat out I got on the scale, thinking I have not been able to eat for three days. I know I lost weight. Not at all.....are you kidding me??? Is this new found fat frickin super glue or what?????? I'm going to get my blood checked tomorrow to see if it's mono. If so Hubs ass is grass! I am just joking! I hope I don't have it though. While "googling" I realized that it is linked to "MS" which I have. I don't need this to get any worst....Do you hear me universe!!!!!! BTW, Cole broke up with that sweet poor girl that everyone breaks up with today! So much for "MaMa knows best". I have lots of work with these people so I need to be healthy!!!!! DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE, I KNOW MY KIDS DON'T BUT DO YOU???? Final note...New Years resolutions suck and they have already went out the door!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

And then I woke up

So I just came back from the most relaxing vacation. The sights were amazing. I had the most amazing time. Sleeping in, massages daily, a little lunch, and then an afternoon on the beach. Hot young men fed me grapes, rubbed my feet, and refreshed my cocktails. Where were the kids???? I have no idea. Where was Hubs???? Reading the paper while watching ladies walk around on the nude beach. It was like I was in the movie Eat, Pray, Love, except I was Julia Roberts. I was in the land of no stress, no sounds of "Mommmmmm" haunted my world and no "It's not fairs" were heard through the land. We would have the most delicious dinners at night and then dance till the sun came up. My trip was filled with laughter and amazing sleep. I think someone shot some shit in my face that took away fine lines too. I came back refreshed and renewed. And then I woke up..........It's a nice thought right?

I came back to the life my mama swears I will miss. Hubs and I sat down the prince before school started back. We told him that his grades needed to come up. He got some good grades last semester and some very average grades, then there was the one that he barely got by with. We told him that average was not going to cut it. We told him we believed he was better than average. Told him that we don't live in an average house or have an average lifestyle. It takes hard work to have all the blessings we have. Truth be told we were both pretty average and it happened to work out alright for us. I would never tell him that though. Hubs did the typical "do you like the way you live???" thing. He of course said "Yes". Hubs then tells him how all these things he has are ours. His furniture, his TV, his Xbox, his phone, his clothes, and so on and so on. Tells him these are privileges that we provide him while he lives here.  Thinking back to my teen years I'm sure it is in one ear out the other. Hubs tries to tell him how important high school is. He stresses to him that he has a true talent for pole vaulting and that's about to start again. He tells him it is a rare thing to have such a talent for something that most people can't do. It comes natural to him which happens to be a huge blessing. I'm still trying to find out what comes natural to me and I'm 35! LOL! Shot gunning a beer and eating burgers is not what I'm waiting for.  Hub's then tells him he has three and a half years to get his shit together. Tells him college is not an option it's a requirement for him. Tells him if he doesn't do well and go to college he is out on his ass. I'm a mama bear who wants to say "You can live here as long as you need to". I know in my heart that's not what I should say. But I do mean that...in a way. Hubs tells him that if there are any issues this semester with grades his phone, his Xbox, and his social life is over. He also tells him no drivers ED and no truck when he can drive. I'm banking on there will always be a reason he can't drive. Him driving scares me! Hubs bought a used truck a few years ago when his company car got taken away due to budget cuts. He planned on giving it to the prince when he could drive. Hubs tells him he has no problem driving that truck forever if he doesn't get it straight. Do I think he heard us????? Not so much. He is a typical teenager. Do I hope he heard us???? Of course I do. Jeez I sound like one of those reality shows. Where their being interviewed but their asking and answering their own questions. Twisty will have a field day with this!

On to Cole. Remember Cole almost set the house on fire the other night. Our house seriously smells like a bar a smoking one. I have had a constant headache since then. I don't know if it's from Xmas break or the burnt noodle smell. Remember when my cheese fries went flying a few weeks back? It was because Hubs gave me a very hard time for calling the prince an idiot. Not my finest moment but he was acting like an idiot. Hubs schooled me about not calling him an idiot because I could change who he is supposed to be. Told me he was just trying to be my friend telling me how to parent. So Hubs comes home from work after the "noodle" incident. He is complaining to Cole about the smell. Then he calls him an idiot. I'm at the kitchen table. I stop what I'm doing and say.."What did you say?". Hubs looks at me complaining about the smell. I say..."No, What did you say?". He says nothing. I say.."Did you just call him an idiot????". Hubs knows where I'm going with this and walks away. I say"Not so fast". I ask again..."What did you say?". He says "Well he was acting like an idiot". I say "are you not changing who he is supposed to be by calling him that?". I tell him I'm trying to be his friend and help him to be a better parent". He says.."I get it Kerry". I say.."Exactly". Point made!

Cole called me into his room before bed tonight. He sits me down and tells me I used to be the "cool mom" but I'm now the "mean mom". I laugh and say "why am I the mean mom?". He says.."Cause you say "No" all the time". I say..Really??? what do I say no about???". I point out that I hosted many sleep overs and he went to many sleepover during break. Not to mention movies, motorcycle riding, jump street. and so on and so on. He says..."My friends and I think your mean cause you did not let all of us spend the night". I say.."multiple sleepovers are for birthdays". I tell him that I in fact think he is a mean kid. He says...."how am I a mean kid?". I say "cause you don't follow rules, you talk back, and you don't do everything your told". He has nothing to say...surprise, surprise. I only wish I wasn't grounded half my life and was able to have this many sleepovers. I tell him if he can be a perfect kid that does no wrong, never fights with his brothers, and never talks back then I will be the coolest mom ever. I tell him he can have as many kids and as many sleepovers as he wants. I'm confident that I will not eat these words! Do I think I'll eat these words????? Hell No! Do I think I'm a mean mom...not so much! Hello Kerry stop interviewing yourself on here as if your on a reality show!!!!!!! Shit TV has gone right to my brain. Do I think my kids are still awake???? Hell yes! Flopping like fish out of water. Do I think they will be tired as hell in the am???Hell yes! Do I see a happy dance when I drop them off????Hell yes! No proof reading here! It is a hot mess, as my life seems to be. Do I think my life is hot mess???? Hell yes!!! Do I think I"m on a reality show???? Maybe! Sorry for bad grammar, run ons, and miss spellings! It's me the good bad and evil!


Monday, January 7, 2013

It's getting hot in here....So take off all your clothes

The kids go back to school in the am.....Can you hear my "woot woot "across the Drippin Springs skies? I did have a really great time with them...REALLY. But it's time to go back. I've been fighting metal pause bullshit the whole break. The other night I went to bed in Aidan's room. Hubs has been fighting mono and Aidan and Cole had passed out playing Xbox. I took advantage of an empty bed. It's really hard to sleep at all during mental pause. I feel I should say I know the name is "Menopause" but I feel "mental pause" is a better name. So I went to bed rubbing my mental pause belly bitching at it to go away. I was waking up every hour on the hour. HOT~ Singing in my head "It's getting hot in here". That song has taken on a whole new meaning since mental pause came a knocking! I seem to sleep more soundly in the late morning hours. It's a strange "Hot". Not the hot, hot. It's like you start to heat up from the inside out. Before you know it you are soaking wet, not the good wet. So I wake up wiping sweat from my body thinking I should be losing water weight with all this sweat. After you cool down you get clammy and then cold. It's so annoying.  At one point I got so hot I took off all my clothes. I laid there in my underwear. I put my hair up behind my head, I spread my legs and arms out. I was in the shape of a starfish. HOT~HOT~HOT!!!!! I was looking good! I must have fell asleep like that. I was woken up with a little hand on my arm. It was Aidan. So I woke up and thought Jimminy Crickets I can't believe my kid just saw this. He says.."Mom, I think my ear drum burst". I say "Hand me my clothes on the floor". I get dressed and get him an Advil. WAAAA, Waaaa, Waaaaa!

Friday, January 4, 2013

The Jungle

I wrote a blog post the other night titled "Welcome to the Jungle". I got a little inspired after that. I kind of re-wrote this song. My twisted sister hates when I get on these kicks. It's Christmas break and it always seems to happen at this time of the year. Let me say before you read this I love my kids but remember it's Christmas break. So insert "Guns and Roses melody while you read...

Welcome to my jungle, it's not fun and games.
I got it under control, kicking ass and taking names.
These people that I live with, make me want to scream.
If I had the money, I'd have some damn good therapy.

In the jungle, welcome to the jungle.
Watch it bring you to your knees
It makes my eyeballs want to bleed.

Welcome to the jungle, I take it day by day.
If your going to enter, there's a price you'll have to pay.
If you have no backbone, you better stay away please.
There is a light at the end, but you don't get there free.
In the jungle, welcome to the jungle.
Feel my, my, my, painnnnnn
Oh, I want to frickin screammmmm

Welcome to the jungle, it gets worst here everyday.
Ya learn to tame the animals in the jungle where I stay.
If you have some sanity they will take it eventually.
Calgon.....where the hell are you, I need you to frickin take me away.

And when your here you just want them to calm down.
So down, so down, so down....down, down.

Hope you got a laugh. I sure giggled re writing this 80's classic.


Thursday, January 3, 2013

I'm just a Mom.......

So I was watching "Pink" behind the music the other day. I found that song "I'm just a girl" in my head the next few hours. She just sounds so angry and I love that!!!! I was singing "I'm just a Mom" to my kids though. They did not find it funny at all. I decided to sit down and re-write the song to fit.."I'm just your Mom". It's funny because in behind the music Pink is talking about how she hates all the copy cats that stole her song style. She doesn't have to worry about little 'Ol me...cause I'm just a mom...and no ones looking at me. No really sometimes I just like to blow a little steam by rewriting songs to make myself feel better.

                                              I'm Just your MOM

          Take these blinders off my eyes.....
                     Your so exposed......
          And it's no big surprise........
           Don't you think I do not know....
                Exactly where you stand....
           This is forcing me to hold your hand....
       CAUSE I'M JUST YOUR MOM, little "Ol me
         I won't let you out of my sight....
      I'M JUST YOUR MOM, all stressed and worn out.....
         So lets please stop the fights.......

       Oh, I've had it up to here....
        The moment I walk up those stairs....
        So many reasons you should run and hide...
        Can't you just do the things I hold dear.....
        Cause it these other things
             That I fear.....

       Cause I'M JUST YOUR MOM, right now I'd rather not be....
        Cause it feels like you skinned me alive....
        All damn day, I'M JUST YOUR MOM.....
       You look at me as if I'm just a freak......
          'Cause you all sit and stare.....
             As if I have ten eyes......

        I'M JUST YOUR MOM....
         Take a good look at me.....
         Just your typical prototype...

        Oh, I've had it up to here.....
        Oh, am I making myself clear????
         I'M JUST YOUR MOM....
      I'M JUST YOUR ONLY MOM IN THE WORLD....
      That's how it will be....
        I'M JUST YOUR MOM, living in captivity.....
        Your rule of thumb....
         Makes me worry some....

I'M JUST YOUR MOM, that's my destiny.....
What I've succumbed is making me numb....
I'M JUST YOU MOM, with no apologies....
What I've become is so burdensome.....
I'M JUST A MOM, lucky me...
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison......

OH.....I've had it up to......
Oh....I've had it up to.....
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE!!!!!!!!

So I'm going to start a Mommy rock band and sing this to my teenager. Oh wait I can't sing....
This post was in no way to disrespect Pink
Cause I'm just a mom.....and she could totally kick my ass!!!!!!!!!! So I'm just an asshole since "No Doubt" sings this song!!!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Welcome to the jungle

 Last night as I was finishing up my blog post Cole almost set the house on fire. He was trying to cook one of those sodium filled noodle bowls. He forgot to put the water in. I guess he was preoccupied because he was "Facetiming" with his new girlfriend. The house quickly filled up with smoke. The smell was awful. I was singing "Welcome to the Jungle" in my head.
 Here he is choking trying to get rid of the burnt noodles. I went to bed after this. I woke up in the morning with a killer headache. My guess would be it was from the burnt smell of noodles. Before I woke up I was having crazy dreams. Dreams that involved poop and puke. The one that I remember most was the bride and groom one. Hubs and I were out. We went to get into our limo. We frequent limos often...Not. When we got in the limo there was this Bride and Groom. They were drunk off their ass. I remember feeling sorry for them because they were on the way to their reception. The bride puked on herself and her hair as we were pulling up to our house. I told them to come in so we could clean them up and give them water and coffee. Hubs was like "Are you kidding me Kerry". I said we could not let them go to their reception like this. I was stressed about how I would get the puke out of her dress.....Then I woke up. Thank God! I laid there for a minute wondering why I would dream something so crazy. Maybe my sub was trying to tell me you need to be drunk to get married. Maybe it was telling me marriage can be pukey. So I dragged ass out of bed. I was quickly reminded of last nights noodle situation. The smell in the house is still awful.
 I go in to wake Cole up. I do a double take. He looks like a smurf. I get closer wondering if he got into my face masks. I see a blue pen laying next to him. There is no telling what the hell went on. I get him up and say..."Cole, what the heck happened to your face??". He is like "what do you mean?". I say "your whole face is blue". He grabs his face and says.."It is?". As if he didn't know!!!! He gets up and looks in the mirror. While standing there he says..."Aidan did this to me". I say.."Why would Aidan do this to you?". He shrugs his shoulders. I give him some apricot scrub and tell him to get in the shower.
 I go to find Aidan. He is asleep in the sofa with the dog. Look closely at his hand. It is blue.....busted. I wake him up. I ask him why in the world he would draw all over Cole's face. He looks at me and says..."Cause he told me to". I ask..."WHY". He says..."Because we were "Facetiming" with girls and we were trying to make them laugh". I say..."Guess who is not laughing?????". I go knock on the bathroom door to see if the smurf is out of the shower. He is so I walk in to talk to him. I tell him that Aidan said he told him to draw all over his face. He looks at me with this face only Cole can make and says..."Here's the thing Mom, we both had a little part in this situation". I say..."But you told me Aidan did this". He says.."Well he did Mom, I just left out the part when I asked him to do it". I say...."You were doing this to be funny????". He says.."Yes". I say..."Those girls probably think you two are twinkies". He says..."What are twinkies?". I say..."It's a nicer word for jack asses". He says.."Mom, calm down they were totally laughing". I say..."I bet they were". I tell him there is a big difference when someone laughing at you compared to when someone is laughing with you. He says..."Mom, you don't know how it is now, it's been a while since you were in middle school". Always has to have the last word. Later I ask if he has texted his new girlfriend. He says..."Mom, I got this". I say "that's what I'm afraid of". He says..."If I need help with girls I'll be asking Blake". I say..."Good luck with that".
I have been using my nutribullet for almost a week now. I love it. I want this baby to do all the things it claims to do. Here are my expectations....
1....claims to give you more energy.....I do feel a burst of good energy after I drink one.
2....Claims to give you nicer hair....That would be great between mental pause and these people mine is falling out.
3....Claims to get rid of aches and pains....I do think I feel less pain in my back
4....Claims to help shed pounds....No such luck yet. Guess you can't get a burger between shakes.
5.....Claims to brighten up your skin....I just want it to get rid of this questionable rash.
6.....Claims to help with hot flashes.....I have had less.
7.....Claims to fight depression....How could I possibly be depressed in this jungle.
8.....Claims to fight disease.....That would be a miracle for sure.

Really I'm using it because I want to get more fruits and veggies in my diet. It's easy to do and the clean up is easy. I love it so much I could leave these people and go on the road doing infomercials for it. Joking...Counting the days till school starts. Four more to go!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Resolutions

 So this morning I woke up on this New Year and didn't want to get out of bed. Didn't have a New Year hang over so that's a plus. I don't know what my problem is lately. I felt blue in a way thinking about New Years resolutions that I'm afraid I will fail at. Don't know why I don't have the mind set to beat these resolutions. Starting this blog has been an eye opener when I read back on it. I talk a lot of shit but I don't do a lot about it. At least not for more than a week or two. I wish we could re program our brain to be the person we want to be. I would be a better person all around. I would have the motivation to learn how to write correctly. I would be workout barbie and a health nut. I would pick fruits, veggies, and bird feed over burgers. I would pick a tea over soda or cold beer. I would get my pictures off shutterfly and make books with them. I would be a better wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I would have perfect children. I guess I would have nothing to blog about then.
 I found this picture from Christmas. Love this perfect dog. Missing the day of snow for sure. It's been a long time since I saw snow on Christmas. Who knew it would happen in Dallas.
 Here's a picture of our tree. I cuss that bitch every time I walk by it. Damn pre light tree my ass. Notice the whole bottom is out. Those green lights are lights from Christmas past that I found. Thank you Garden Ridge for selling me a BS pre light tree. I'm not bitter or anything. I just want things I buy to do what they say they will. I'm tired of half ass made crap. I even wonder why my 1970's fridge works better than my 2005 one. Wow, I do sound bitter. NEXT...........
 So after I finally dragged my ass out of bed. The kids were like what are we doing today????? We can't possibly have a day when we just chill and watch lifetime. So we headed out to Academy Sports store. Their Christmas money was burning a hole in their pockets. I told them to look around while I looked around. Shopping with them is not my favorite thing to do. So I'm walking around the store and my phone rings. It's Cole he tells me they found what they want. I ask where they are at. He says "we're in the gun section". I walk over to the gun section. The two of them are standing there with two big ass BB guns in their hands. The Christmas Story movie pops in my head. In my head I'm saying.."You'll will shoot your eye out". I say to them "I thought we were coming here for football and baseball stuff". Cole says.."We want these for the new house since we have that forest area behind it". I look over to the left and see all the BB guns. They are frickin expensive. I ask which one they are holding. Cole points to the one they are holding. I about fall over when I see the hundred and eighty dollar price tag. I say..."there is no way y'all are spending that kind of money on BB guns". They start to complain. They tell me they have enough Christmas money to cover the cost. I say.."Yes, I know that but your not spending all of it on guns". They complain. I ask "why would you need these kind of guns anyway". "You'll shoot your eye out" is circling in my brain like the birds that circle people's heads in cartoons when they get hit. Aidan says..."We're going to hunt stuff". I say..."Stop right there....I did not raise you to shoot at birds, squirrels, rabbits, or each other". They complain. Cole says..."We're not going to hunt animals we're going to hunt targets that we hide for each other to find". "You'll shoot your eye out", You'll shoot your eye out, You'll shoot your eye out". I find myself saying "stop it" to my sub conscious. I tell them to put the guns back. There is no way the two of them are going to spend four hundred dollars on guns and pellets. Not when I can't shoot four hundred dollars in my face to take away all the miles they put on it. They complain. I say "lets go" and walk away.

I turn around to see if their following. They are both standing there with the guns in hand and faces that scream I'm the worst mom ever. I say..."You better put those guns down and get to the car". There is some guy in aisle that probably thinks we're all nuts. Birth control comes to mind since he is young. I happen to be a walking and talking birth control ad. I start to walk again. I turn around to find them still standing there guns in hand and crappy faces. Now my sub conscious is screaming...."FIRETRUCK". We have a bit of a stare down. I'm giving them they are the worst kids ever stare. I finally walk to the front of the store. I wait to see if their coming. Nothing. My guess is they are complaining that I'm the worst mom ever in the gun aisle. So I call Cole on his phone. I tell him I'm leaving with or without you guys. He says..."So your going to leave us here?". I say.."That's right". He says.."You wouldn't do that". I say.."Bet me, cause your Dad works a few blocks away and you can call him and tell him why he is picking you up here". He says.."We're staying". That "FIRETRUCK" is in my sub again. I say..."You might want to rethink this, imagine how mad your dad will be if he has to leave work over this". Cole says "We will be right there". That's what I thought. A friend of mine left her teenager in a store this week. I thought it was brilliant. I can just imagine all the complaining that was going on on their way to the door.

So they walk up, Cole with an "I can't believe this shit" look on his face and Aidan with his sad shocked face. I have my mommy mad as hell face on. We get in the car. They start complaining about how it's their money and they should be able to spend it as they please. They even say how I spend money on what ever I want. I say "Really, are you driving around in a BMW with your dressed to the nines mom with her perfect sun kissed body from her Christmas beach vacation?????". That last statement goes right over their heads. I turn up the radio to tune the spoiled children out. Hubs calls while we're in the car. I tell him Cole would like to speak to him. Cole gets on the phone and starts to plead his BB gun case. I can tell by his face that Hubs is shutting that shit down. He hangs up. I ask.."What does dad think?". He says..."He thinks it's crazy to spend that kind of money on a BB gun".  Hello, Mama isn't crazy!
 After a super fun day out shopping with two of my kids I come home to clean and do laundry. I come across some cheese fries left over from my cheese fry melt down. My day just gets better. Aidan is still on the BB gun case. Cole has forgotten about it. Aidan is looking up "You Tube" videos of the gun they wanted to buy. THANK YOU technology for making already hard parenting harder. He walks up to argue his case once again. Saying things "Like it's his money and he has wanted that gun his whole life". I say.."Your whole life are you kidding me?"." I just bought you every damn baseball thing on your Christmas list". "Can you enjoy those things for more than five minutes please????". I finally lose it. I'm saying all the things I swore I'd never say to my kids. Ya know the "You make Christmas no fun" the "there are kids in the world who get shoes and coats for Christmas...because that's a treat for them". "Not the Nike shoes or the Under Armor jacket either". "The Walmart ones"!!!!!!!! Because kids give a shit when you say these things. Unfortunately they don't get this till they have their own kids. By the end I'm gathering up everything I bought him dragging it to my room and telling him I'm giving it to a kid who deserves it. The kind of kid who appreciates it and has joy in their face when they get it. Not the kind who is on to the next big thing. He is on the sofa crying. I would normally be in my closet crying but I think this hormone cream may be working. Thank you God for small favors.

A little time goes by. Aidan comes up to say he is sorry. I sit him down to tell him how much it hurt my feelings. He tells me that I hurt his feeling too. I say.."Why, cause you didn't get to buy something you wanted?". He says "Yes". I say.."There are starving kids in the world do you know how good you have it?". He says.."I would hate to be a starving kid with no Christmas gifts". I tell him he may be that starving kid with no gifts next year if he doesn't change his spoiled ways. He knows I'm full of shit and that is the problem.

So thinking back on the events of the day. I urge anyone with young kids reading this blog to learn from my mistakes. They are super cute at two when you want to shower them with gifts they don't even know exist. Gifts that you wish you had put in their college fund instead years later. Gifts that ended up being played with for five minutes or not at all. Gifts that end up at Goodwill. Gifts that you bought instead of buying the great boots for yourself. Buy the boots! Your setting yourself up for failure for sure. They start to expect. They are not that cute two year old in a blink. They are spoiled and you are trying to backtrack. Then they are spoiled kids who feel entitlement. You will have no one to blame but yourself. We set them up this way and then we don't understand what happened. At least a lot of us. There are those parents that I'm green over that have raised non spoiled kids. If I had a do over as I dream about a lot. I would do everything different. I would get them half the gifts. I would put the other half of the money in a fund for them. It would be named "Get the hell out of my house" fund. I would encourage the Grandparents and relatives to get them a small gift and put the rest in my "Get the hell out of my house" fund. The money I have spent on these kids over the years could probably buy them their first car and they would have a large down payment for a house. How awesome would it have been to get a check like that when you went out into the real scary world??? In a perfect world we could rewind like the DVR can. Before you know it you have this kind of spoiled kid you swore you would never raise. Another thing I would do over I would expose my kids to the less fortunate. I would make them adopt a child with nothing. I'm doing this next year. It's about time my kids see that Hubs and I do not in fact shit money...even if that's a nice thought.
After we were home Cole was telling me about a text from someone who was not telling him who she was. She was giving him clues. She was telling him she liked him. He was showing me the text. Then he gets a "Face Time" call from her. He ends up "face timing" with her for hours. I mean hours! I was laying next to his bedroom door trying to listen. All I could here was silly laughing from the girls. They kind of sounded like the coyotes I heard out back last night. I guess I have forgotten how silly girls can be. Then I could hear Cole hacking his awful cough. I went in and handed him a cough drop. He wants me to say Hi to the girls. I do. When I walk out I hear the girls say.."Your mom is pretty". I like those girls. He is still on the "Face Time" with them hours later. He has given them a "Face Time" tour through our rental. He is singing country music to them now. Another hits the dust is ringing in my head. Damn Girls!

Final notes...my New Years resolutions went right out the door first day out. I promised to be a better mom...out the door. I promised to eat better...out the door after we got cheeseburgers. Promised to cut out beer....out the door, the kids are still on break! There is no way I can do any of this till my kids go back to school. I do have to say I crazy love my Nutibullet. I could be a living walking infomercial for this favorite thing in my house. I will blog about it later though. Twisty and Hubs are negative...just sayin. My biggest resolution is to get rid of my double cheese burger with extra bacon belly. So Cole is still on the "Face Time" with these girls. I'm laughing at the drama filled conversation going on. Cole now has a girlfriend..Jasmine...this might be a blog in it self.  I'm also laughing about the fact that Cole just tried to make "yakisoba" noodles and forgot to put the water in. My house is filled with smoke about now and we have the back door open. It's freezing in here!!!!! Pictures to come after I set this not so smart child right! Again too tired to proof read...take it or leave it!

So it's New Years! cheers


So It's New Years Eve...well really New Years now. We went out and party hopped and rocked it out here in Drip. Well...not really. I drove the not so charming prince, his girlfriend, and his friend to a party. Then I went home and waited and waited and waited....for it to be after midnight to pick his friend and him up at that party. I think it's the first time in a very long time I was not out celebrating New Years. To the tune of half my life. Damn it, time to grow up and be responsible. They had a blast. They were both very thankful to me about taking them and picking them up. They have been friends since we moved here. I laughed when I dropped them off at Blake's friends house. Thinking when they met they were babies in my eyes. Now they were talking about how the rung in the New Year with their girls. My how time flies. By the way, those girls are lucky to have such nice boys. Do you hear my MaMa bear growl??? I had a hard time seeing on the way home since it was very foggy out. They happened to be at a party in a far, far, away land. I had this strange fear about driving even though I was sober as could be. I thought what if this is the first New Years Eve that I'm sober and I get hit by a drunk. Now I'm not saying in New Years Eve past that I was out drunk driving all over. Hub's and I were always within walking distance at New Years parties. So we came home walking as if we were bumper cars. Who's judging??? Oh yes, everyone.

I feel bad because we really didn't do anything special with the other two. I should have had kiddie cocktails and a dance party. Been there done all that before it is never as fulfilling as you picture before you have kids.  Overrated comes to mind...I guess I'm just being ugly because we have always had or been at a party. Aidan...aka..pig pen was sick anyway. I feel bad because I thought he was faking the other day and gave him a hard time. Cole..aka...drama played Xbox all night and begged me to get him a red bull because it was New Years.  I said..."Why in my right sober  mind would I give you something that is the equivalent to eight cups of coffee according to DR. OZ".  You are high on life with a water for Gods sake. I really don't care to see the Drama King on red bull. At one point Aidan's fever broke. With that fights broke out between him and Cole. Happy frickin New year! At another point Aidan and I were talking about Ziggy our perfect family member howling the other night. He woke all of us up from a dead sleep with his howling. When I woke up I ran out to see what was going on. I found Ziggy on the sofa with his head in the air howling over and over. I wondered what the hell he was howling at. He is eight and had only done this about four times. So I say.."Aidan lets try to make him howl again". Aidan is like "how do we do that"? I say "lets get down with him and howl". So we get on the floor and we both start howling at the top of our lungs. Ziggy is just getting nervous and pacing around us. Hubs is yelling at us to stop saying we are annoying as hell. We could not get the dog to howl. Fun times on New Years Eve.

After I get home I "Google" why dogs howl. The first thing I get says they howl because death is in the air or the grim reaper. This freaks me out a bit. Especially since he never howls. I start to recall the other times he howled wondering if it was a time when someone died. I wonder is he trying to warn us of something bad to come....I hope like hell the grim reaper isn't coming for any of us. Then I click on the next "google site. It says dogs howl because it's in their coyote genes and it could mean their happy. I did walk out on patio tonight and heard the coyotes howling. At one point the coyotes sounded like drunk people laughing.  I like this dog is happy site better...for sure. Happy New Year bitches! I'm waking up without a hang over for the first time in a long time...Thank you to my not so charming prince.