Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Do birds have penises?????

First I need to start by saying lasts nights blog was a cluster fuck. Note to self......DO NOT BLOG WITH A BUZZ! It's a buzz kill in the morning for sure. I just sounded like a typical whiny drunk girl repeating herself. The Bachelorette messed me up. I was so broken hearted for her I decided to drink to help ease the pain. That Disney prince turned into an evil warlock. If we lived in a Disney movie kind of world I would banish him to the nasty forest. Ya know the kind that the witches seem to live in on the movies. No greenery, all black, gray, and dark. I wish I was computer savvy I would totally insert in an evil witch laugh sound.

While in Chicago I hung out most with my sister.....aka...Twisty. I call her that for a reason I swear. I have a few twisted stories to tell about her. I think my favorite was the bird story. Kelly is a huge animal lover. She works in a vets office. Pet sits, rescues half dead animals, and apparently does inappropriate things with birds! I got your attention didn't I. Oh yes totally insert an evil laugh.

So we were having our annual Kane family BBQ at my Mom and Dads. Kelly brought one of the birds over from the Vets office. We all had a great time playing with this bird. Not as good as Twisty though.  I don't even remember what we were talking about or why this subject came up. All the sudden Twisty says...."The bird humps my arm sometimes". We all kind of look at her strange. She then says..."I feel bad that it's in the cage all day so I let him". She says.."It's probably the only joy the bird gets". My Uncle Tommy....looks at her like she's nuts and says..."Kelly, that's weird". She says..."I feel bad for it though". I ask "does it ejaculate?".  Because really I had no idea a bird did that. She says "Yes, and when it does it spreads its wings really big". BLAAAA, HAAAAA,  HAAAAAAAA. I'm rolling at this point. Or maybe peeing my pants.  We all think that is weird as hell. She doesn't see a problem with this at all!!!!!!! So I keep asking questions. You can imagine how my Dad, a mild mannered Grumps who never says anything remotely inappropriate is feeling. Don't think I didn't walk around spreading my wings Kawwww, Kawwwing at her!!!!! I think at one point Grumps said..."Enough all ready".

So tonight after my cluster fuck post last night I was trying to think of something funny to blog about! This is what I got. I did "google" "Do birds have penises" right before I started to write. Most birds do not have penises.....in case your wondering. They have a lump called a cloaca. While I'm on this site Hubs walks by. He says..."Is there a reason your pulling up shit about bird penises??". I say..."Well Kelly lets this bird ejaculate on her arm". He says..."Stop right there, I have heard enough!!!!!!!". While writing this I decide I'm going to text the twisted one. It said one word...."CLOACA". My guess is right now she is "googling" it. Just got a text back from her! It says...."Cloaca...HUH?????". I text back "Kelly with one of those heart icons Cloaca". Usually she has a quicker response when I text her strange things! Maybe she is busy getting her bird on!!!!!!!!

Trip to Chicago

I just came back from a long trip to Chicago. It feels like I was never there. What those old folks say is true...time flies. My Dad flew down and drove us there. He also drove us back. He may just be the greatest guy in the world. Car rides with these people are not fun. So I'm home, missing my life there. In a prefect world I would win a huge lotto and be able to live in two places. My heart is torn between two lives. I love my life here. I have some great friends and my kids are happy here. When I'm home everything feels better for me. I feel more complete there. I've been so behind on this blog. I have nothing interesting to say. I'm in a funk for sure. I just don't care about writing in it anymore. This has always been an honest place for me....maybe too honest at times.

This trip was different. It was like I was tired. I spent a lot of time sitting around. Tired from my life , Really...games, practice, and driving.  I just left all of it.  Before I knew it the trip was over. I didn't spend time with people enough. I didn't even see friends I wanted to see. I feel awful about that.  I kept thinking I had lots of time and all the sudden it was over.  I came home to the nightmare of building a house. Nothing about this has gone smoothly. We are way behind on this project. Because we contracted this house when the housing market was in a slump last year has done us wrong. When you do a construction loan, you do it at the time you start to build. This was last October for us. So they bid the job before you get the loan. The housing market out here skyrocketed right after we bid everything. So now we have crews walking off the job because they can make 30 percent more on other jobs. So our house looks like an abandoned ship at this point. Our builder doesn't want to lose money on this deal either. I get it. But we were supposed to be in the house now. We don't even have a roof at this point. It's frustrating as hell. Half my stuff is in storage. I never thought we would be in a rental this long. I just want to feel settled at this point. I have never been able to get comfortable here. Half my shit is gone and plus I know I'm leaving this place. I don't want you to think I'm bitching too much. I do get that I'm blessed to be able to build my dream house. It's just not been a smooth road. I know in the long run it will be great. If I'm not divorced in the end. building a home is a true test of what your marriage can handle. It's my last build for sure. He says Black I say white........oh my!

So my Dad left this week. It was hard to say goodbye. I dropped him at the airport after a camping trip he went on with us before he left. He kinda said he hates camping. I love that he did something he hated to make us happy. My kids will remember a great trip. We spent 19 hours in the car to Chicago and 19 hours back together. I wouldn't trade those hours for a million dollars. They mean more to me than he will ever know. I cried all the way home from the airport. It was so hard to say goodbye. I almost wish I could reverse and be a kid with no worries in his house again. I would get everything my parents tried to tell me so much more.  I love being with him and and my family.  I keep trying to school my kids about this. I keep trying to tell my oldest to be a kid and not try to grow up to fast. Is he hearing me???? No way!!!! He thinks he knows it all....as did I.  Someday they will miss this as crazy as it can be. My oldest left Chicago early for football.  He left and never called or text me. I finally called him. I asked him are you going to go to college and never call me again like you were never my kid. He laughed and said "no"! I don't know though. I think boys are different. They are not emotional like girls.  This is why I'm upset I never had a girl. There will be no shopping and lunches. No late night phone calls! I will have to depend on daughter in laws! That kinda makes my want to puke.