Thursday, May 1, 2014

So you have a teenager…but you still are one, in your warped mind!

Been a while I know……working part time!  Turned into almost full time…..Don't really know how. That's a whole other story.  Let me just say……Um it's been a very long time since I worked this much at a job. If my boss reads this…a raise would be nice. So I have a teenager…..well to tell the the truth two. In my warped brain I'm still one. I blame Disney. Damn it if Peter Pan wasn't on to something. I don't want to grow up…..but my kids are UMMMMM bigger than me?????? When did that happen???? Oh yes, it's as if every old person telling me that….."It goes lighting fast" is on re play in my brain. That's annoying! Who would have thought those old asses knew what they were talking about! So I sit here with my old ass…wondering where the years went. UMMMM Really!!!!!! I think back to that perfect child…The one I thought was perfect…how did I do that???? Make such a perfect child???  Well they are all perfect at birth!…just saying…like some old ass! Oh yes, I'm that old ass telling all the young moms to enjoy those chaotic years now! We know what we are talking about.

All my kids were perfect…….when they were born. But then each and everyone of them came with "WTF" moments! I have three….all boys, OMG, so wanted all girls! Wouldn't change a thing…except maybe one more…..A girl! All very different. They even look different as if there was a mailman involved. There wasn't…LOL.  So now I find myself with a teenage boy…..oh yes two……but one is a little behind the times thank God for small favors. But while raising them I've been shocked. Shocked I think at normal teenage behavior. Why did I think I raised a perfect child that would never do typical teenage things???? Ummmmm, because when you have your own kids you realize that your too young to do that stuff. If I could go back all my first would be in better situations. If you would have told me this voice of reason stuff at sixteen and I would laugh thinking it was dumb. Not so dumb when you have your own teenagers. Because most adults are dumb to teenagers….ya know we know nothing! Because we weren't teenagers EVER in their mind, we are just old people to them……Don't you remember thinking that?????? We should age in reverse! Life would be so much better!

You kinda of want to say "NO" to everything! Shelter them…..hide them….helicopter mom them….Maybe just plain lock them up!!!! But you can't…well you could but they need to grow up unfortunately. They need to make mistakes, learn from them, to become the person they are supposed to be! Ya think I watched a lot of Opah while I stayed home??? You don't want to be the "cool" mom allowing drinking and sex. But you also want them to know even if it makes your toenails curl. If they do those things you would like to educate them on these matters. Biggest things I tell my kids….probably too much! Don't ever drink and drive. Don't get in car with someone drinking either. You are not invincible and shit does happen. If you find yourself in a situation….call me…I'd like to say no questions asked! But I'm a mom…of course I will question! I will want to know what happened but I will be the first to rescue you. I will think you are brave for telling me the truth and asking for my help. SEX…….Damn no teenager should have sex…..but some do! Well a lot..lets be real.  I tell my boys all the time…there is so much time to have sex in your later years!!!!!! I mean really, almost too much! Enjoy your youth with out the drama of sex. But lets be real they are boys. We all know how boys are. So I tell them…don't have sex just to have it. Be kind to girls!  Don't really have it unless your married! Of course they ask….."Did you have sex before marriage?" Well shit! I want to lie. But I don't…wondering the whole time if I should!  Only have sex if you are truly in love. Sex is a big deal. Plus… are way too young! I tell them if they have sex just to have it that girl could be ruined for life. Girls are different than boys……We are way more emotional. At least most of us! Of course during  the "Sex" talk they ask if Dad is the only one! OMG…I soooooo want to lie! Geez….such a horrible conversation……you don't think about this hard stuff when they pop out perfect! Condoms are a big topic in my house! Mama, still thinks she's a teen…no need to make her go by Granny!

I tell them girls will take being used or being hurt into their UMMMMM adulthood! Seriously! Ya think I got burned in my lifetime???? I really just want to raise good boys! Sensitive to how girls feel. Dealing with all this teenage stuff makes me a little happy I don't have girls. But then there's my niece…I might trade all three for her! I mean she is the best! Love when my Mom and Dad say she's a little Kerry! Suck it Kelly! Anywho…I have to brag a bit now. My oldest amazes me everyday. He's by no means perfect. Made lots of mistakes already. But he is kind of perfect in my eyes. He went to regionals for pole vaulting. To say I'm proud is an understatement. He didn't go on to state…but damn regionals is a huge deal at his age! To him it's all about a regional patch for his Letterman's. jacket. Plus, I think he enjoyed the hell out of staying in a hotel! Meeting all the girls from other schools he loved! But I couldn't be more proud! Yep I said that! His coach was amazing. Plus she was easy on his eyes too! Shout out to Ashley.  Whatever it takes to make this kid realize he's great at something. I just want him to be passionate about something….I think he found it this season!

So a word from my older wiser ass……Help your kids find something to do they love! No matter what it is. We may not choose it for them….but they are not us. That is hard. It's taken me along time to realize this. But they will strive at something they love. And…..Ummmmm kid tied the like 1980's something year record in Drip for vaulting…..who would have thought! Like I said this kid amazes me even if he's not a perfect child! I'm just like any other mom trying to raise my kids my kids to be successful, happy, healthy adults! So I'm not a writer…so forgive my mistakes….it is what is is!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Mom of the year

 Our sweet little community had a Mom of the year contest. It was a tight race but my friend Erin and I tied for first. We took the news well eventually. At first we were tugging at the trophy . Kinda like it was the last piece of candy that fell out of the piƱata. We might have pulled each others hair trying to get it away from each other , but who cares right????  We may have screamed "It's mine"! But we came to terms that there are two great mothers in Drip. I couldn't be more proud of my great accomplishment.
So then there was my week. As a mom of three boys there are OK weeks and then there are bad weeks. This happened to be the not greatest one for mom of the year! I'm working now….almost full time. If you consider getting to work at 11am. I can rock that showroom from 11-6! I do my best work then. No one wants to see before 11. Not pretty…..just ask all my closest friends. So one night I got home. My kids are not used to me working so much. I had a Pinteresting week. What I mean by that is I have made dinner from Pinterest. As good as this shit looks on pinterest, it can be hit or miss. So I had put a pinteresting recipe in the crock pot. Hub's was tied up at something called work this night. The kids and I came home to eat. They were picking at my dinner. I was juicing trying to lose the "I'm over 40 and everything goes straight to my ass". Cole who will usually eat anything I put in front of him says….."I don't like this, it taste weird". I start to fake cry. I look over at Cole who is laughing uncontrollably. I see this and I'm hurt. I say "Why are you laughing when I'm upset???". He says…"You look funny and it's weird cause I like most of what you cook, it's one thing, why are you freaking??".  I start to cry for real.

So I cry for real not because my kids hate my pinteresting meal. I cry because there is so much more going on in my world that my kids have no idea about. Cole sees the real tears and starts to eat. Telling me he loves this meal, he was just lying before. I say.."Throw the meal away and make mac and cheese". The two others run to the pantry to get the mac. Cole being the sensitive one eats the awful meal telling me he loves it. He's going to make a fabulous husband someday. I say…"really Cole get the mac, this is not about you hating what I cooked". He says.."Are you sure, cause I will eat it if it makes you that sad". I tell him "I'm sad about other things".  He is the sweetest kid ever and wants to know why I'm sad. The others are deep into mac and a peanut butter and jelly. I tell him…"I was just kidding about crying over this meal y'all hate". I say I'm upset over adult stuff. He wants to know……love this kid. I'm actually upset because I have a great friend fighting a tumor or maybe a rare kind of MS. I also have a brother fighting a demon….and I just feel overwhelmed by all of it. He being wise beyond his years says..It is what it is and everything will work out the way it should". I think…who raised you?????

So onto the next messed up day. Blake….aka..the not so charming prince has a track meet. I grab Aidan and we head out to watch him. We put the address in the annoying car lady. She says it will take us an hour to get there. Plenty of time to see him pole vault. What the car lady did not see coming was Austin traffic. Two hours and 15 minutes later we arrive at the meet. My blood is boiling at this point. We make it to the fuck its far school and look for kids vaulting. We run over and they say this is the girls. They tell us where the boys are and we run…….may have got rid of a cheeseburger or two! We finally make it to Blake's last vault….he bombs it! But what we didn't see is he is last man vaulting and takes first! So proud!

On to the next day. I go to work. Pick up Aidan…aka..pig pen from school. In that time…the five minutes it takes to get him home  he bitches about going to jump wild. He told me ten times he wants to jump wild tonight. I kinda of want to burn that place to the ground. I drop him and go back to work. When I get home no one is here. I put together another new pinteresting meal. Which turned out ok…..I hate that! Looked good online. I'm browning ground beef, sauteing veggies, throwing things in a pot. Making a great meal…muti tasking for sure. Hubs comes in with the kids at 6:45. My oldest the not so charming prince stopped for taco bell after school. So he has no interest in my meal….only wants a ride to friends house. Has only told me this ten times. The other two come in and want to be at Jump Wild by seven….and yes that's 15 minutes away. I say.."I cooked dinner". They say.."Not hungry, we will eat after". I say..or scream.."We will eat as a family, and I don't know why I bother". They say.."No time to eat". This goes on for a while…back and forth……fighting for the who's right. I finally scream to Hubs.."Get these people the hell out of here before I bitch slap everyone of them and go to jail". Hubs sends them to their rooms. I keep cooking ready to cry again.

So they come down knowing they crossed the line with me. They are eating and cleaning up after. I'm a sucker and take them to jump wild after they get me.

So you may be scratching your head wondering how the hell I got mom of the year. It was a nice thought, but a made up one. By no means am I mom of year…totally lied about that. Erin didn't get it either! Has me thinking is there really of mom of the year???? Um yes, I can think of a few actually……but not me or Erin…Sorry Erin! It is what it is!

Friday, February 21, 2014

Aidan is turning 11 and my head happens to be spinning

So my baby is going to be 11 tomorrow. When I say baby, he is my baby. The last one, the unplanned one, (whole other story) the one who was supposed be that girl I always wanted!  But he didn't turn out to be that girl I wanted. I still dream of pink shit and bows but at least I have two nieces now. But he turned out amazing kind of. He came with the typical…"WTF", was I thinking moments. From the beginning he was not an easy kid. He cried and I mean cried from about two weeks old till about a year. There are a few people in my life that remember this time. I barley remember, I may have blocked some of it. The kid was only somewhat happy if I had him in a strange position and walked him around patting his tummy. I swear when I think about that time it makes me cringe. I don't have great memories of him in the beginning. Plus I had a two year old and a five year old! Hello padded cell my name is Kerry!

But we pushed through it. Mostly because you don't have a choice. My other two were a walk in the park compared to him. Eventually he settled down, stopped crying, and became as normal as I can expect him to be. He out of all my kids to this day is a Mama's boy. I swear the other two would be fine without me…but not this one. As a mom I should relish in the fact that this kid is so attached to me. But it's not like that for me. I feel bad for him. Because he misses out on a lot being afraid of things and wanting me around for everything. I could almost cry writing about him. As much as I think he has been such a great kid I feel bad that he is a prisoner to anxiety. Always has been. My over thinker for sure. He's afraid of things kids shouldn't be. He has stood back a lot and watched because of over thinking and fear. I have stood back a lot trying to assure him he will be fine but it never works.

So he does awesome in school, never a problem. Does his homework, cares about his work. When he plays sports he puts his all into it. He is a coaches dream. Not to mention a teachers dream. Even goes home and watches "YouTube" videos of pitching baseball over and over….to the point that it drives me insane. Just so he can be the best he can be. I love that he cares so much.  I never get anything but compliments about him from coaches and teachers. He wins a knights of guild award every year for being a great student. My other two never got this, so when he gets it they get mad. They say…"How does he get this every year?". But the teachers and the coaches  don't see behind the scenes. My baby suffers from extreme panic disorder. He sometimes hyperventilates to the point where I think about taking him to the hospital. He fears crazy stuff. The signs were there from the time he was little. He used to not wear a shirt outside because he thought those big black birds would carry him off. I used to laugh at his silly thoughts until I realized they were true fears to him. Fears that made him feel crazy. It became real to me when he started school. I was not used to a kid crying about going to school. At least not after the first two days. This kid is in the fifth grade now. I have been dealing with him being afraid to go to school for six years now. He doesn't fear school. For some strange reason he fears something will happen to me while he is at school. When I talk to him about why he is upset he always says.."If something bad happens, I can't get to you". Woe is me, that's a big thought. One that would have scared me if I really thought about anything besides boys at his age. I don't understand it but after therapy they say it's real to him. Breaks my heart in a way.

He has had some really big attacks. Shaking uncontrollably. I could hardly get him to calm down. When this happens as a parent you feel so helpless, nothing you can say is helping. I can't even describe how heartbreaking it is….never went through this with his brothers. So until you see this first hand you have no idea how bad it is. I find myself crying after these spells….feeling defeated and broken. I have had conversation after conversation with teachers and doctors about him. Most of his teaches say his day starts out bad but ends up alright. Made me sad when one teacher told me he hid under a hoodie crying the first hour of school. But I have to make him go….hoping that he will finally be ok.  He is a popular kid, I guess the kids don't notice his issues yet. I have this fear that someday they will and make fun of him. A doctor once told me his brain was not working right. So he talked me into medication for him. At this point my mornings had become so bad I would have tried anything. I was hoping he would just get help with coping. But this doctor assured me that meds were the way to go. I do believe that to be true for a lot of people but he was so little at the time.

I put him on meds….hoping for the best. My biggest hope was that he would do sleep overs and normal kid stuff without freaking out. Plus go to school and feel normal and calm. I hate that he is in turmoil most days. The first week was good, he seemed calmer. Went to school with no issues. But then he started humping the air, acting like an animal…crawling around like a weirdo, and peeing in the yard. Not to mention extreme stomach pain. Wanted to go streaking naked through the hood. Yes, he was not afraid…but um…streaking naked and peeing in the yard??? I thought shit…this is weird. This was not at all my Aidan. So I took him off the meds. I'm sad cause at his age he's missing sleepovers, roller coasters, and just being a carefree kid. Today we deal with panic almost everyday. Not extreme ones…those happen every few months. But when they happen they are bad. But still a panic feeling everyday. When he gets a little older I will try meds again. but I'm truly heartbroken this kid can not just be kid sometimes! He misses a lot. But, he's the greatest gift I was never expecting. Wouldn't change a thing…except his panic! One of his most favorite teachers once told me……"Aidan…is one of those kids you see once in awhile when you teach… over thinker for sure….yes your dealing with a lot with him now…but mark my words if you coach him through this he will do great things in life"! Wow, I hope he is right….cause so far nothing has worked out the way I pictured in my head as a girl. When things get bad and I feel helpless I hold on to those words that teacher told me. I only hope for all my kids they will be healthily , happy, and of course wealthy…..mama's going to need some work after raising three boys! Happy Birthday to my worry wort…aka..pig pen!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Teenagers and what they think????

So it's late and I can't sleep. I find myself thinking about my week. My oldest and I were talking about grades. He had bombed a test. I was trying to school him on how important grades are for him now. He was telling about everyone who bombed it more. I say…."why are you comparing yourself to people who failed the test???". He is arguing with me that I don't know how hard it is! I say…"What about the people who nailed it it?". "Why aren't you comparing yourself to them??". He rolls his eyes as he does often….says again…"School was way easier when I was there, I just don't get it". I say…as I run in place at my island…"How would you know that, you weren't around when I was there!". He says…Why are you running in place, you look stupid…..and I know this because my teachers tell me things are way harder now".  Damn teacher for giving him a way out! Love all the teachers too, just please don't give them an excuse…they take it and run with it! I say "I'm running in place to burn calories, and I'm tired of him making excuses and comparing himself to the bottom of the barrel". He says…"Well you look stupid running in place, you have done Zumba and not lost any weight, when are you going to get you need to eat right and run??". I say…"Are you trying to avoid the subject??". I start to dance around the island. He looks at me and says…"Why are you dancing, you are so weird and embarrassing". I say…"well your weird and embarrassing failing a test". I tell him I'm friends with some of the teachers and he's making me look bad!! He tells me that his failing grade is wrong the teacher has just not fixed it! Yes I coughed up something that sounded like BS. Then he says…"you look ridiculous dancing around the island". I say "I don't care, dancing around the island puts me in happy place, you should be happy, If I wasn't dancing I'd be even more mad". This is how most nights go in our house! Dance is good for us! Just saying! Teenagers on the other hand are not that great!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Bringing my past into my present.

 This past summer my Grandparents house was being remolded by the new owners. Of course we had to go snooping around it! They were pretty much gutting it. So yes we were snooping but no one was living there. I saw this window in a trash pile. So I did what any grieving Granddaughter would do. I saved it! I had no idea what I would do with it! I just wanted it. It has sat in my rental garage under a blanket. Then in my new house garage under a blanket.

So the other night after finally organizing my pantry which I will get into on the next picture. I got inspired. Maybe it was the pantry, maybe it was the beer! Whatever it was I got inspired. Yep already said that! I have a bad habit of repeating myself. So I put it up and stood back staring at it. Yes, I'm sappy and got a tear. Trying to decide if I liked it there or not. When I first put it up it was just the window. Kind of boring. Plus I added an outlet that you could see through the window. I decided it needed something hanging from it to hide the outlet. I got up on the fireplace and tried to flip the window around so the pulley thing was at the top. While trying to balance at the same time as rotate. (which is never a smart idea in my world) The window started to fall. All I could think about is the saved window breaking. Breaking after surviving 78 years! So as it fell I held onto it and jumped backwards off the fireplace. I caught it but damn if it didn't almost knock my ass out! It hit my square across my nose as I fell. It hurt so bad I almost puked.

I'm a weird one so I was thinking "what is my Grandma trying to say"??? She hates the window on my mantel???? Well really I don't think that. Just plain bad frickin luck. I'm happy with it. It makes me smile when I walk by. Reminds me of my Grandparents house. I have brought the best part of my past into my future. I do have a huge gash on my nose from it. I look like a battered wife. Plus my nose is very swollen…..Hoping at this point it goes back to normal. Not loving what my face looks like with a swollen nose! Nose job in my future???? Maybe! Facelift…of course!

So tonight I was playing with options for the mantel around the window. I put some owls around it. I send a picture to my sister and said…"Owls or no owls????". She responded right away with…"I like it without the owls". I responded…"Ok thanks, I'll keep them up. You have no design sense! LOL". She responds…"good one". I put the picture on Facebook to mess with her. Said Owls or no Owls???? Everyone says no owls! WTF, do people have against hooters?????
So to the pantry. My Aunt Margie who is very attached to my Grandparents house had asked if anyone wanted anything from it. I married a furniture man so I didn't need any of that stuff. I asked for strange things. I asked for a cross made of matches that hung on my Grandparents wall since I was born. It was made by one of their kids a long time ago. Pig Pen claimed that for his room….Made me smile! I kind of love that. So I let him have it. I took a few Mary statues too. One is outside my house, one is in my kitchen, and one sits on my night stand. I came from a catholic Irish family! My Grandpa made a work bench in his basement. My Grandpa loved his basement. He spent a lot of time there by his work bench drinking Old Style like a true catholic Irishman. When I would visit him he would sit at the kitchen table for a while doing crossword puzzles and going through coupons. That man loved free shit from his coupons. He always ended up in the basement sitting by that work bench. I being a wanderer would wander down to the basement to talk to him sometimes. I would find him sitting by that work bench drinking his Old Style. I liked to sit down there with him and talk. Plus he stored all his coupon shit down there. I loved looking at all the boxes of cereal, paper towels, mac and cheese, and toilet paper! If the world ever was about to end I could survive in there for a while! He would always send me home with a box or two of cereal.

So when Aunt Margie asked what we wanted I thought about that work bench. I wanted those drawers. I knew at the time I was building my dream pantry within my budget. I really wanted these for my pantry. These were in our storage unit when we rented. Hubs got some stuff out and the drawers were part of it. He said "I'm looking forward to using these to store stuff". I said.."I took these for the pantry….sorry". So I put together my pantry the other night. I love these drawers. Mostly because they are from my Grandparents house. I also love that my Grandpa wrote on them. Miss him and Grandma A lot.  My kids were making fun of them because one says.."Markers". They were like there are no markers in there! I said…shut THE F#$% up…….just kidding…seeing if your listening! I only say that shit in my head a lot! It sounds silly but my pantry makes me happy! It reminds me how much I love and miss my Grandparents! Don't roll your eyes….Grandparents are the best thing in the world! They are the people who just love you! No judgement just true love!

Highlights from my week…….My sister was just here. She got me poo-pourri spray for my bathroom. Pig Pen asked what it was for. I told him it is to get the poo smell out of the potty when you poop. I was walking by the bathroom the other night. I caught a glimpse of Pig Pen spraying it into the toilet. I asked WT f@#$ he was doing! He responded "I'm doing what it is for…spraying my poop with it!". Yep, I belly laughed…..Said "you don't spray your actual poop with it, you spray the air". So I call my sister aka.."twisty" and tell her the story. She says"um your both wrong, you don't spray the air, you spray the potty before you poop". Who knew??????

Another funny story is bad weather days. We are not prepared for those here. So I find out there is no school friday due to bad weather again! I'm texting with friends. About to shoot myself. I'm not that perfect mom who loves these days! I want my break from them. So there is this group message going. I say…"I'm not telling my kids there is no school cause I want them to go to bed". I want the TV and the computer. I think one of my friends who I will not mention told her child what I said! Her kid informed one of mine there was no school. It spread like wild fire in my house! Blake…aka the not so charming prince came down wanting a ride to spend the night out! Got me when he told me for my bday which is Tuesday he would write me a note about what a great mom I am….so I folded and let Hubs drive him there! Then Pig Pen ran down and said "No bed time". Woe is me . I was all ready to watch shit TV and chill! Thank you very much to my friends kid who ruined my night! You know who you are and I will pay you back!

While I write this blog post Pig Pen my youngest is face timing girls. He is only ten. With my first I would have been all over his ass…claiming it's not appropriate for his age! What I have learned is it doesn't matter at that age! HS is when you need to worry…plus he's my third…I'm tired! It is was it is…if he heard half of what I've said he will be ok! Let the girls parents stop it!!!!

So I'm off to bed… needs to be at the school at 5:45 for a power lifting meet! The other needs to be at baseball at 9:30….all I can think about is a sister wife would be the answer to my prayers! Especially if she puts out! Wow that was bad……but that is me…f@#$ it! Night y'all…too tired to proof read! so sorry for bad grammar and mistakes…I'm not a writer…just an on line blogger!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Xmas cheer!

 It's been a while since I've written my thoughts down. They've been a little messed up lately. Figured I spare you all the drama. We finally moved into my/our dream home. It is a dream. I'm loving the new house. Everything about this house is me. I feel very blessed to be able to live here! Ya know that saying…"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"……Well this house was a test. It almost killed an 18 year marriage…..but damn it turned out great.

We moved in the weekend before Xmas. All our Xmas was in boxes far, far, away in a storage unit. Hubs managed to find a few boxes of Xmas. Mostly stuff I bought after Xmas last year. We had planned to be in this bitch/house by the start of school. I bought tons of clearance Xmas crap as Hubs called it last year. I just knew I would have the best decorated house this Xmas. Well contractors got in the way of my dream and I found myself moving literally two days before Xmas eve. So I vowed to have a Xmas house before I unpacked any bit of the kitchen. Hubs managed to dig our fake tree out of the back of the storage unit. We got it in and plugged it in. Problem was it didn't light up. This was the start of many Xmas problems to come.

I went to HEB to fill the pantry in this dream house. While checking out the lady told me the trees were ten dollars! I got so excited. I came home with a real tree. Hubs turned his nose up. Said they make a mess. I said…."But it's Xmas, and it smells like Xmas". We set it up and it made this new home feel Xmasy. For about ten hours!

So Xmas eve night we planned a great dinner. A few friends stopped over before we ate. When they were leaving my car was in the way. Hubs throws my oldest the keys. Tells him to back up the car. I look at Hubs and say…"Um, he's not so great at backing up yet". He doesn't drive yet. Hub's says…"He needs to learn". I say…."I don't think it's a good idea". Does anyone listen to me??????? Hell no, no one in this house gets Mama knows best yet. So our friend comes in through the garage with a deer in headlights look on his face. He says…"Ya better come out here". Blake had backed up through the grass and broke a bunch of sprinkler heads on the way". Buzz kill????? Hub's is yelling at Blake…..I'm yelling at Hubs…..Merry Xmas!

We finally get back to a somewhat functional family. It took a while but we pulled through the trailer park and came back down to a little functional. We sit down to open gifts. After all the fighting we are smiling a little bit again. All of the sudden the tree topples over and all we see are all of my beautiful ornaments breaking all over the floor. I know Hub's who hates real trees wants to throw this shit in my face…..but he's learned something over the years… one says a thing. We just kind of ignore the fact that the tree just toppled over. We go about our business and finish opening gifts. Now you would think that someone would pick this tree up or clean up ornaments….but no! They are all exhausted from fighting and moving and go to bed.

I find myself on the sofa alone playing candy crush on the computer drinking beer. A slight buzz from the beer kicks in. I decide to put the tree back up. I get the tree up. I put all the non broken ornaments back in place. I sit down for a minute to breath and take Xmas in! Then I go to clean up all my beautiful broken ornaments. While I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the F@?!@#$  Xmas broken shit up the tree falls on top of me. What do I do?????? I lay under it for a little longer than I care to admit and cry under it! Yes, I'm in this amazing house that took years off my face! But I'm having a woe is me moment. And I deserve it! So I throw in my white flag and go to bed!
 I go to bed leaving the tree back on the floor. When I wake up my tree is on my front porch! But…Hubs worked all morning getting the fake one up and decorated! And this is why I'm still married to him after 18 years!
So my sister came with my niece this week. Plus my parents and my brother came the week before. So we are starting to make good memories in this house that took a very, very, very, very, long time to build.

Anywho, Hub's and I celebrated our 18 year anniversary tonight. Shit like this makes me think. I think about everything. All our time together. I laugh a little and cry a little. We have been through so much together. Was this what I imagined as a young girl in my bed at night???? Um….fuck no way! What I pictured in young mind was prince charming……or better yet an eighties movie kind of guy. The one that when I was mad would be outside my window with a boom box playing a sappy love song! Plus perfect kids…like the Brady bunch kids! Did I get an eighties movie guy…no way! Did he get an eighties movie gal…..Um…..hell no! Did we get perfect kids????…..Um, I could write a book on everything that has went wrong with my not so perfect kids! But somehow we made it through almost breakups, close to break downs, building a few houses……this last one almost killed us! But somehow in the storms that came our way we survived so far. Sometimes I think the kids held to together at our toughest times. We both can admit that we might have run for the hills if it wasn't for them. But it's funny as tough as it has been at times we always seem to pull it together. Is it perfect…not so much. But we do have a deep respect for each other in a weird way. We still have date night! Even after all these years! We do agree most of the time on kid stuff! Sometimes we agree that we might have messed them up. If a marriage therapist ever got a hold of us they may run screaming and slit their wrist. But we work it out in the end! And that's what counts!

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Do you ever just question every thing in your life???? Scared about everything. Did you do right by your kids? Are you raising them right? When they are little it's easy. Even if you feel like a crazy zombie. But they are safe. You just have to get through the day keeping them alive and feed them. But then they turn into teenagers. They try to grow up too fast. This parenting thing is hard. So I used to lay in my bed as a young lady imagining myself married with perfect kids. I couldn't have never imagined all the hard stuff that came along with that. I should have been imagining my self as "LuLu", the girl living down town in a loft with fabulous boots! I'm just kidding but it's a nice fantasy when my kids are making me want to scratch my eyes out.

So here are my crazy thoughts tonight. Island comes to mind. I kinda of wish I could freeze time. I would be the only one on this island for a while. Everyone else would be frozen. I would think…cause I over think. I need time to really think…re think if you will. On my island I think about my "Santa" days. My kids perfectly dressed sitting on Santa's lap! Oh my how I miss those days. How I think it's bullshit that those days have come and gone. I would work out on this island….because I'm not sure what happened. All I know is I can't get it under control even though I know what to do. My friends warned me that cheeseburgers really did hit your thighs…who knew??? I hate them for being right.  So I would pretty much get it back together on this island. I need about six months if the universe is listening……In a perfect world right???? How frickin great is my fantasy???? But we are in fact in reality.

So Xmas is a week away. I have not shopped… kids need nothing! I'm supposed to move in less than a week. I have packed nothing. Am I stressed, freaked out, overwhelmed???? Um yes! Sister wife comes to mind! Have I done laundry, got the kids school notes taken care of, checked sky word, cleaned behind them, gone to an Xmas party, taken them to see lights, Feed them, gotten them ready for school, cooked baked goods(I kind of suck at that), and did two photo shoots…. But I'm here trying to wrap my head around getting it together. OMG, too tired to proof read…story of my life… is what u get! So sorry! And yes I feel pressure and I'm overwhelmed…send help fast! I'm not afraid to ask for it!

P.S. Taye Diggs might be on my island!