Wednesday, June 12, 2013


Starts out with the famous group date. Michael G is more concerned with Ben...aka...mayor mc cheese being on it! That's going to kill you dude! I mean really I have never heard the guy mention Dez....only the Mayor!

So they walk in and are faced with a dodge ball team. They look mean as hell. There are a few of these ballers  that if I were Dez I would have wanted to trade for a few of the cheese balls. They get their asses handed to them by the ballers. Brooks pony tail probably didn't help. 

Now they are going to "ball" each other. Mickey is cracking my ass up when he walks in. What a "baller". Brooks gets hurt right away. I think he may have been trying to adjust that pony and his finger got broke. The famous ambulance arrives. Wouldn't be a good season without one. I guess Brooks won't be doing any finger licking. 

The Blue Balls take the win. On to the night date. First up we have Brian with yet another sad, sad, story. He puts on his best sad face for Dez. He's damn cute though. Just wondering if any of them care to ask if Dez has her own sad story. I find myself imagining him with his shirt off. His sad story??? I think I missed that one. 

Chris seems to be getting a little sweaty over that nasty little single rose on the table. So he drags her on the roof top. Do you ever notice they all seem to say the same thing in their interviews season after season??? "After tonight my feeling are definitely changing" "We have a connection" Insert man creepy voice. 

OMG, could Brooks be any more dramatic walking in holding his hurt finger in the air???? This is one Disney prince I might send riding off into the sunset. 

And the roof top worked....Chris gets the rose!!!!!! They get a private concert in the park. Well not so private because the vultures are buzzing above. 

Next Kasey awaits his one on one. I bet he says.."We have a connection" after. She walks in and asks to speak with Brian...dun, dun, dun....... Your screwed dude. She's totally setting him up for disaster. In walks Chris with a girl. He parades her past the guys for added drama. This is going to be good. Girlfriend right out of the gate is giving Brian the biz natch. Girl won't let anyone else talk. She doesn't even come up for air between tears and mad faces. He tries is best to defend himself. When that's not working he says..."She throws rocks at my head". As if anyone gives a shit at this point. She says..."Yes, I do". Girl should throw one at his nut sack. And he gets the boot. I see a rock imprint right between the eyes in his future. Boo bye!!!!!

Kasey your date is starting out as a buzz kill. Now the guys are all putting their two cents in about Brian. They should be wearing judges robes. That would be amusing. Brandon takes it a tad to far in his interview. Crying about it....... really?????? That's a red flag! Dude has some issues!!!!!! 

Off to Kaseys one on one. He reminds me of a chipmunk. I don't even know why. I find myself wanting to wipe that smile off his face.  Still smiling after dancing on the side of building! Another roof top date after that. Seems to be another buzz kill coming on. It's a little windy on that roof top. But he's still smiling. So do they get off the roof??? Nope they jump in the freezing pool. Kasey goes in for the big kiss. Guess what he smiles through the whole thing. It didn't look sexy at all. He does get a rose. And yes he is smiling from ear to ear. 

Another group date! They go to a stunt ranch. They get dressed up in their best cowboy get ups. Fake fighting, lassoing, and getting time with DEZ. What more could they want. They all want time alone with DEZ or the camera. Dan's pants split. Just tells me there is a nice bubble ass under there! Jaun wins her heart and gets a badge....not a rose, a badge. As the guys point out! They get to watch a movie in some uncomfortable looking stick chair! They kiss........Looks way juicier than Kaseys. He didn't smile he kissed her passionately as Dez pointed out! I see rose colored glasses in his future. 

That evening they sit around the fire in stick chairs. Weird right???? That shit can catch on fire. Bryden steals her away. They have a pretty hot kiss too. Wonder if he can taste Juan on her lips! Something is wrong with me tonight. I can't help wanting to see him with his shirt off. 

Zak....Where is that shirtless wonder from night one????? He's so different from that first night. He seems nice. But guess what "He feels a connection" Your shocked right??? James and his sad story is  sad. His poor Dad. Hope he's alright! He didn't get a kiss but he did get a rose. Zak feels defeated by this. Wait James goes in for the big kiss too. 

Pool Party.......shrinkage. Ben steals her away in the car. I love how she never lets the guys drive it. Ben's tank top may be the stupidest thing I've seen all season. Wondering if he borrowed that from his baby Mama. Of course the guys see them pull back up. Mayor mc cheese lies to the guys about seeing her. Mikey and Michael G pony up on Ben about his lie! Because Ben totally gives a shit what they think.

Meanwhile Brandon....aka....CreepO, steals her away to tell her he is "IN LOVE" with her. He even says...."I know we barely talk". Come on.....Really?????? That song "Looking for love in all the wrong places" is playing in my head! He reminds me of one of those girls we have all known. The one who thinks their in love with anyone who looks their way. He does go in for a kiss, it is super strange looking. I see a solo limo ride in this guys future.

The rose ceremony is about to begin. Brandon says he feels more confident than ever. Oh boy, this should be good! Michael G is still talking about Ben....aka...mayor mc cheese! It's getting slightly creepy. I'd be sleeping with one eye open if I were Ben.

The ceremony is the usual room of dazed and confused dudes. Some look like they could cry. Some look like their holding in farts. Others look like they are in pain. Dan is out and is bummed. Bummed because I don't ever remember him getting a kiss or any camera time. Who is Dan???? Has he been in a corner somewhere???? Like I guessed Brandon creeped her out with that "I'm in Love with you" . So he stands there as if he is watching a UFO float around the room. He is "Blown away". He says that at least three times. Says "His heart was smashed by a hammer because he was in love". Yep it's statements like these that landed him in the solo limo. He's out of tears!!!!!!!!!!! I guess he cried too much over Brian's infidelity. Boo bye! 

Monday, June 3, 2013

The bachelorette

 The first one on one date goes to Brooks.....aka.....The Disney prince. As Dez and Brooks drive away. The guys all complain about how hard it is to watch. Because they know her so well after five minutes.

I think MR Disney Prince is charming. His voice seems a little swishy though. Makes me think he's floating on light loafers. He seems sincere and honest. He throws out his best sad story. He's a smart Disney prince. He knows a women is a sucker for a sad story. We go into "I can fix and coddle him" mode. I think I may be in love with this one. He ruins it for me a little when they interview him and he says..."I feel like I know her so well already". Come on dude, really you don't know shit.....except she's hot.
Back at the house the pack of wolves await their group date card. So the group date. These bitches are going to rap. Kasey really has a perma smile that's driving me nuts. The black guy can't dance....."Really". So disappointing. Is that even possible?????? I can't help but wonder why Brandon is pant less. Captain under pants can't rap worth a crap either. During the commercial break I "google" the rap video. It's kind of funny.

After the rap party it's off to drink with 14 hungry wolves. Alright so Zak W.....aka...shirtless spray tan junkie is surprisingly nice. He may not be the circus monkey I thought he was. The journal was a nice thoughtful gift. He is much more charming with clothes on.

Mikey T...aka...Italian stallion is chatting it up(he loves to talk) with Dez when Ben...aka...Mayor Mc Cheese intrudes. He may be cute but a little overly confident for my taste. Mean while Brandon is trying to convince the guys he's not that worried about the lonely rose on the table. Bullshit.

James looks like he should have starred on the Soprano's. He is a total Ben hater. He's more worried about hating Ben than talking to Dez. While I'm watching I'm rudely interrupted by Pig Pen. He pulls his pants down to show me an ass pimple. I tell him to go show Hubs. Ben is busy talking to Dez about his kid. That's sweet and all but please dude. Maybe you should ask her some questions about her. You can only ride that kid thing so long before it gets BORING!

Brandon looks over to see Ben and Dez kissing. It's hard for him, he never expected to feel this way. This way about what???? Hating Ben or barely knowing Dez because your too busy hating Ben????? Looks like he could cry....Please cheese ball. Mikey T.....yet another Ben hater. Decides he is going to set Ben straight. You go boy.....good luck with that!

Back at the house four wolves are left waiting for a date card. Bryden gets the date! Woo woo....Military man.

They flash back to the group date. Brandon is becoming more and more of a creepy stalker. He finally gets his time to shine. Right away he hits her with his sad story. He had to raise his family since he was 11 because his mom was a druggie. He is coming on way to creeper.

And the rose goes to Ben...aka...Mayor mc cheese. The guys are visibly pissed off about it. I'm starting to think Ben is arrogant. That is such an unattractive trait.

Time for Brydens date. He's a little Channing Tatum like. On the date he doesn't know what brie cheese is. I don't know why but I find it cute. Side note........I really want to drive that car!!!!!! Later in the date he swoops in with his sad story. He was in an accident. He even has snap shots of it. Buzz kill Military Man.....the pics were over kill. While watching him I want to push his bangs a bit to the side. He gets the rose. I guess the picture of him banged up with his Teddy bear didn't scare her off. Well played, cough, cough!

They end up in the hot tub. It's painful to watch because he has zero game. How many different ways can he say this night's amazing. About ten boring uncomfortable ways!!!!! She knows this conversation is BORING.....So she says....."Kiss me already". At least it looked like he was a decent kisser.

Off to the Rose Ceremony. Brooks, Ben, and Bryden have their perma smiles on. Michael feels the need to share his sad story. How many sad stories can one show have????? I guess he is trying to get a sympathy rose. Ben interrupts right in the middle of his sad story. This sends the guys over the edge with no arm floaties.

The Ben hating flying monkeys are released. The Ben haters seem to be more worried about him than Dez. Lots of guy drama. But now it's time for the painfully uncomfortable rose ceremony. That Robert guy seriously looks like he's going to cry. They keep flashing on him. I have to look away.

The Black guy is gone.....I'm sad he seemed pretty normal. Even if he can't dance.

Robert should have cried cause he gets his walking papers. I love when he says...."I didn't see this coming". Really cause you sure looked like you were close to tears in there.

Nick.....Is a little shocked!!!!! He talks about being heartbroken. Please dude you never even kissed her and hardly talked to her. What I'm shocked about is what a dork he sounds like!!!!!!!

The coming attractions.......An ambulance.....I'm totally shocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

When Pinterest has gone too far!

 I'm a Pinterest junkie. But sometimes this shit gets crazy. The picture above you can make a replica of yourself into gummy candy. Who thinks of this shit???? Really! Can you imagine having a party and serving your guest a gummy replica of yourself???? Mine would be soaked in Vodka. Mine would be naked too! I would love to see peoples reaction to that. I would insist they take a bite! When they did I would say..."Ouch, that was my boob".
 Now when I saw this next picture I thought "I really want one of these". What a conversation piece. I would have to take it to an evil genius level though. Now if I had one it would say  "Baaaaaa, baaa" when someone sat in it. I would have a voice box put in the seat. It would have clever sayings. I was thinking about some funny shit my sheep could say. I think they would "BAAAAA" first. Then they would say "my name is Lambchop, this is my friend BOOOOB, and this is curly". My sheep chair would then say..."you are a sheep thrill". "I'm  a woolly bully" "I'm a sheep date" When Hubs would sit in it it would say "Your a sheepskate" When the kids would sit in it they would say..."Your getting sheepy" Man I really want one of these! Of course it would make sheep fart noises too. If anyone is wondering what to get me as a house warming gift  I just dropped you a big hint!!!!!!!!
This one just makes me laugh. I would love to walk around town sporting a deer bun. I would act like it was normal. I would have a purse full of materials to make any jealous people their own. I would figure out a way for it to talk to people too. I would be standing in a Walmart. Someone would be talking about my bun. Then it would say..."Say it to my face, I deer you".
How funny would this be to take to a baby shower???????? Right before the person opened it you could yell "Your going to love this I made it myself". Can you imagine their face????? Then you can say in a total serious voice..."Don't you just love it".
So I found this gem on Pinterest too. You put a picture in a jar and fill it with olive oil. Weird looking, right???? This could be a great conversation piece. You could even cook with it. When your guest are over you could be cooking with your "I'm so full of myself olive jar". You could say in a very serious voice "What do you think of Hubs and I covered in oil?". "Bet you can't wait to eat what I'm cooking".  You could also give these as gifts. What would be even funnier if you put your own picture in it. You could act like it's the greatest gift ever. Brag about how you made it yourself. Tell them you are watching them while they cook. The possibilities are endless!

Here's some more good Pinterest crazy shit. Marshmallows strung from the ceiling as if it is snow. You could have a dinner party. Every few minutes you could say..."I can't believe it's snowing in here". Then you could say.."Isn't the snow beautiful?". Of course you need your serious voice. You could sing Xmas songs about snow. Then you can say..."Lets catch the snow in our mouths". You could obnoxiously start to eat the marshmallows. Once again the possibilities are endless. But if you want to keep your friends these are not great ideas.