Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Later in the night I ask Cole about the car thing. I say.."Why do you want me to pull away fast, do I embarrass you?". He says..."No, but the eighth graders say.."Look your mommy is waiting for you to get in the doors". I say.."their jealous because I care so much". He shakes his head and says.."I don't think so". He says.."They think you treat me like a baby". Fair enough, I get it. I ask if there is anything else I do that embarrass him. He says.."No, but your sister embarrasses me". I seriously laugh out loud and say.."What has Twisty done to embarrass my baby?". He says.."When she was here she said I had a large butt crack". I laugh out loud once again. Mostly because when he was a baby his ass was so fat his crack looked long. I couldn't help taking pictures of it. I would post one but I believe you can get in trouble for that. I say.."When did she do that?" He says.."At the lake, in front of my friends". Now they laugh and say.."You have a large butt crack". I laugh again. Then he gets mad that I'm laughing. He says.."Actually, you do embarrass me too". I say.."Oh yeah, why?". He says.."You fart". I belly laugh, fart, and say.."Everybody farts". He says..."You fart like a man and laugh about it". I say.."You fart all the time". He says.."I'm a guy". I say.."Everybody farts, get over it, I never fart in front of your friends". Because he always has to have the last word he says...."But your supposed to be a lady and ladies don't fart". I blow a big fart with my mouth. He thinks it's real. He yells very dramatically..."MOMMMMMMM, see what I mean".
The not so charming prince comes down. I ask him if I embarrass him. He's like.."Um, Yes". The little guys start to laugh. I say.."What? Really?'. He says.."Your loud". Then he says.."Sometimes you think your funny when your not". Then he says.."For the most part your not that bad, I've seem worst". Oh thank you, Prince Charming. All the sudden they all start to remember other times I embarrassed them. Pi Pen says..."Wait remember when you beeped at that guy and he got out of his car to yell at you?" "That was really embarrassing". I say.."But he stopped on 290 in traffic to gaze at Xmas trees". He says.."It was still embarrassing". Then Cole is like.."Remember when you complained at the fast food place". I say.."We got the wrong order for the second time". Then Blake is like.."Remember when you argued with the girl at Foot Locker about the shoes??". I say.."They were on the sale rack and weren't on sale...in fact almost nothing on the sale rack was on sale". This is really starting to go no where fast!
I often thought I was just not cut out for this. I think in many ways my relationship with Hubs suffered over me staying home. I certainly didn't want to put out as much. I had given everything I had all day. I had nothing left. I became jealous that he got to go to work and escape the madness. Talk to adults. Sometimes I'd sit in my front yard waiting for an adult to walk by so I could talk to them. Sometimes I got caught up in gossiping and judging when I had no right. I still struggle with that from time to time. There are no sick days for sure!!!!! This was not what I had pictured in my head at all.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
So for all you Bachelor watchers have you seen "burning Love" on the "E" channel???? I spent my Saturday night watching it and laughing my ass off. I just thought wouldn't it be nice if we could watch TV and literally laugh our fat ass off???? I'd be one skinny bitch! In a perfect world!!!! Anyway burning love is a spoof of the bachelor. Totally makes fun of it. Dude gives girls a "Hose" instead of a rose. See once again no self control...totally addicted to it.
Final notes....my day was filled with games and driving these people around. Note to self..."You need self help books on audio for all the driving". I had a mommy "WTH" moment in the car. One of these people I live with was picking their nose. I looked over and said.."Where do you plan on putting that boog your picking". As I said that he rolled it and flicked it on the floor. I said..."Be a professional and flick it out the window". He said.."What's the difference??". I say..."Cause I know it's there and it bothers me, I'm not a booger fan".
Saturday, March 23, 2013
I have a very long list of what I ask the Universe for. I'm not giving up though. I hate list but here it is.....
1....I have asked the Universe for perfect kids....Un-popular book worms. The kind of kids who turn into Steve Jobs later in life. I don't think the Universe is listening. I have popular kids, who are making mistakes and are not straight A students....At least two of them. I worry I mean don't sleep over my oldest many nights. He scares the crap out of me. I think back to all the things I was doing in high school that my parents would have probably bet the farm I wasn't. Things are even worst now with Facebook, instagram, twitter, and something I just found out about called snap gram. It's too much to monitor. I feel overwhelmed for sure. I often think I wish my kids could flash to their 40 year old life and look at the stupid shit their going to do in their teen years. I wish that they knew it's better to be a leader than a follower! I think kids don't know where the line is with all this on line crap. It's so much easier to say something when your not face to face. I would have been one hot mess if this crap was available to me before I could handle it. I can be a hot mess on it sometimes and I'm in my forties! So Universe I'm asking again make my kids nerds. book worms, and straight A students who make all the right decisions.
2...I have asked the universe to turn my bad habits into good habits. It's not listening to that either. I often ask the Universe to let me wake up a different person. The one who loves to work out, eat right, the perfect mom, who has all the right answers, who brainwashes her kids to be perfect, the perfect wife, who likes to please her husband, doesn't get annoyed by him, the person that people say..."I want her life".
3...I have asked the Universe for unlimited funds....not listening. I want to have the kind of money that I can do great things with. Billionaire kind of money. I would be the greatest kind of person if I had unlimited money. I fantasize about this kind of money. I would do great things. I would take care of all my family. Surprising them with their houses paid off. I would give ungodly tips to service people and pick an un fortunate family to take care of. I think it would be great to give a family who had nothing everything...Damn it I'm supposed to be Ellen or Oprah.
4....I have asked to Universe for good health...not listening. Since getting diagnosed with MS it has been a torn in my side. I don't want to fear walking some day. That is something that most people take for granted. Me included. I hate to even think of it, I ignore it most days. That is until I can't feel one side of me. It becomes real to me then. I try to dance as much as I can fearing someday I will not be able to. .....Do you hear me Universe?????
5...I ask the Universe for happy and healthy children. So far the Universe has come through. Like I said before I worry about them all the time. It's funny because when I was younger I wondered if I would ever marry or have children. I married young. Now that I'm older I feel I married a little too young. We were so immature when we married. We were still growing up. My God Hubs was 24 and I was 25. We had no idea what it was to be married. We have had our share of growing pains for sure. We have had our share of ups and downs. Looks like we made it though...can't you hear Barry??? Sometimes I think in marriage you are up when your partner is down. It seems it's hard to be on the same page sometimes. My hope for my kids is they marry or date someone that has their back through the good, bad, and the ugly. Because that is what marriage truly is. It's Good, bad, and sometimes ugly. Growing up in the 80's ruined me. Anyone who grew up in the 80's remembers the 80's movie with the guy and the boom box. They also remember the hot guy who showed up to to wedding and had a perfect Bday cake for his girl. We are warped into thinking we will have a perfect 80's movie ending. Guys really don't do that shit in real life. I think it's bullshit. Damn you 80's movies you gave me an unrealistic view of how it should be. Now Hubs is paying for that!
6...I want my people to be around forever. Universe did not listen. All of my grandparents are gone. Grandparents should live forever. They are the version of your parents you wished you had. They love you unconditionally no matter how bad you mess up. You can do no wrong in their eyes. I miss all my Grandparents. My Mom's dad died right before she got pregnant with me. I feel sad that I never got to know him. I feel I got cheated. I can't imagine how my mom feels. When I had my kids I was so excited for the Grandparents to meet them. My Moms died shorty after I had Blake. He doesn't remember her and that makes me sad. What I remember about her is playing card games, going through her basement, and her drawers. She had the best jewelry and shoes. She lost her mind in the end. I fear that. I would hate to not recognize my people. My Dads dad was a card as the old people used to say in the olden days. He was funny as shit. He was around for the birth of all my kids. My Grandma who was around the longest was my dads mom. she crazy loved her family. When she died it crushed me. Mostly because I never saw anyones eyes light up the way hers did when we walked in a room. I spent lots of time with her as a kid. Gosh I miss her. She happened to be one of the most perfect things in my life. I miss her so much. I wish she was still here. She died on Thanksgiving. I will never forget that. Thanksgiving for me has become thankful for her. I'm so glad that my kids were old enough to remember what a great lady she was. Gosh writing this makes me sad...
Anyway, I'm still asking the Universe...ya know ask and you will receive........
Friday, March 22, 2013
While in Lake Conroe we/I became obsessed with this black guy. We had the best time people watching at the resorts pool. I said.."Look at that black guy".....He slithered around like a cool snake ready to take out his prey. She said..."What's your obsession with black guys?". I said..."I never dated one, never even thought about it, but there was this night at a club when I watched a black guy dancing next to a white guy...it was downhill from there". Plus it was too late because I already married the white guy who dances like he's shooting guns. I said..."there is something about their confidence and the way they move". She laughed and said..."Look at his girlfriend, they like big bootie too, so your all good". Then we talked about how they are rumored to not like to go downtown. We realized why we stalk from afar. It would never work. I do have to say...I know I'm married but I'm not dead either. Looking at "hotness" is a natural thing. I also know if a hot fit super slithering beast of a girl walked by Hubs, him and his friends would have a conversation too. Hub's even asked who the black dude was in our pictures. I simply said..."pool eye candy". He said nothing but did roll his eyes.
Our trip was filled with a few cocktails, lots of fattening food, tons of laughs, and it went too fast. On our way home I set the GPS in motion. We took a wrong turn and ended up driving through downtown Austin. I said we would get home at 7:00 pm. We would have actually got home at six if we didn't take that wrong turn. Twisty said..."The Universe heard you and now were not going to get home till seven". I said or growled ...."Why doesn't it hear me when I say I'm going to win the lotto??". I was getting frustrated...I hate driving downtown. The traffic sucks and there's a red light every few feet. She was texting my friend who was with us in Lake Conroe. I asked what she was texting her. She said.."I told her you took a wrong turn and now your growling as if you are the devil". We laughed!
The next day Hubs and I took Twisty and the Golden Jerk to their first rodeo. When we pulled up the Golden Jerk said.."I'm so excited for the rodeo". Hubs asked her "What's a rodeo". She said..."I don't know but I'm so excited". I love this kid! We did have a great time. Too much money but great people watching. We went with lots of friends. One of our friends name is "Boogie". Ella sat with him and his son for the rodeo. On our way home a little voice came from the back. It said..."Kerry, is your friends name Boogie cause he is the Boogie man???". I seriously almost wet my pants. I told her he is not in fact the "Boogie man, there is no such thing as the boogie man". Then I said something about how strange the moon was to Hubs. All of the sudden I hear her say.."Aidan, do you see how strange the moon looks??". She repeated everything I said word for word to Pig Pen. I call her out for being a story stealer. Twisty says..."She's a lot like you". I think..Damn I knew loved that girl.
While we were Wimberly we got a missed call from Grumps which is our Dad. I was getting a Facebook message at the same time. It said Joanne Kane was trying to friend me. I screamed as if someone died. I said..."OMG, Kelly...Mom is on Facebook". She screamed.."No Way". Now we love Debbie but we don't want her on Facebook for many reasons. She will call us out for one. She will ask questions about who the people are on friends pictures. We will have no idea cause we haven't seen these people in years. She will say things like their name is there! We will still have no idea who is in their pictures. She will be a Facebook stalker. A funny one at that! We did get or quick wit from from her. She does like to call me out on bad grammar. She will be shocked about the shit we post. Kelly will have to stop telling "Debbie" stories.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Speaking of Debbie. I was cleaning up my Email tonight. She is an Email sending fool. There are days when she forwards me twenty something Emails. It's everything from Walmart people to how to know if your having a stroke. Some I read and some I just delete. One tonight that I was LOLing at was about how people came up with different shit. It said who was the first person to look at a cow and decide to squeeze it's utters and drink what came out. I often think about stuff like this. I do wonder who thinks of things like this and why we all join in it! This cow thing got me thinking. Wondering what asshole did think of that and how it happened. Was it someone stuck on a farm with no food or water???? Were they desperate and decided to squeeze that shit???? Was it a perv trying to get it on with the cow????? Who thought to crack eggs that were housing future chicks and eat them????? Who was the first person to kill a cow and eat it's insides???? Why did they think it was a good idea???? I still cuss the person who decided to shoot poison in our faces to get rid of wrinkles. Do these people sit around baked trying this crap out???? I could go on forever, but I won't bore you.
Another Email that had me LOLing from her was "Learn Chinese in five minutes".
1. That's not right.....aka Chinese.......Sum ting wong
2. See me...aka Chinese.....Dum Fuk
3. Did you go to the beach...aka Chinese...Wai yu so tan
4. Staying out of sight...aka Chinese...Lei ying lo
I think my all time favorite Debbie story is when John F Kennedy Jr died. She called me and said..."Something strange happened to me". She goes on to tell me that she was dreaming JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. Then she woke up turned on the TV and it had just happened. I called bullshit. I said..."Was your TV on while you were sleeping?". She said.."NO!!!!". I did find that strange. I told her if she ever dreams of me dying not to tell me. I want to be surprised when I go!
This is really my dream neighborhood though. Since I moved here six years ago I drove in this neighborhood every time I passed it. I love it. I'm supposed to live in it. DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE. The developer is extremely hard to work with though. We turned in our plans that have to be approved by him. He wasn't a fan. He wants to put his two cents in about the shape of windows and door sizes. I do think in the long run we will love the house and the neighborhood. That is if Hubs and I survive this. Otherwise it will be in a ranch with dogs and kids every other weekend. Is it sad that that makes me smile big???? It's kinda of funny though. We left my dream house and moved into this much smaller rental. We don't really feel any different. I thought I would miss my house. I do once in a while. When I drive by it and see them doing all the things I wanted to do. But I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. We miss our next door neighbors more than the house. My kids haven't skipped a beat being here. They actually are having a good time hanging out with the kids here. Most of the neighbors here have not welcomed us with open arms. Probably because they know were not staying. A lot of the high school coaches and their families live here. We are enjoying the time with them. The only thing I have missed is during the holidays a lot of our stuff is in storage. I guess in my later years I'm realizing a house is a home if you make it home.
So on my birthday Hubs said I can go get all that botox I bitch about. I bitch, thinking he will never agree. Since he said do it I have become Chicken shit...with a capital Chicken. I can't even get a mole removed without felling like the room is spinning. I can't even go to Dentist without feeling faint. So all my big talk about wanting botox caught up with me. A younger friend of mine swears by this face cream line. I do think about the fact she is at least ten years younger. My skin looked really good ten years ago.So it's not a fair comparison. Damn Debbie for being right about sun, night cream, and alcohol. So I tried it. It's called Replenix. I use the face wash, the serum, the night cream, and the "it will cure all cream". I do have to say my skin feels baby soft. It did help with lines even though it did not get rid of them totally. Overall my skin looks better. I'm hard on it too. Bad diet, three boys, and one husband reeks havoc on me. I don't usually promote products on my blog. I do promote the Nutribullet which I have a love hate relationship with. If your a chicken shit like me it's the next best thing. Anyway if you want a good skin cream product try Replenix....especially if you are young. I only wish I cared in my younger years. It catches you. Start young and maybe you will not worry about it in your forty's. idealceuticals.com
Anywho, on my final note. This week has been crazy for me. Since I let my youngest do two sports I have had to take him to practice every night of the week. Damn him for being good at both! He got on the White Sox team for baseball. I was so excited since it's my Grumps favorite team. It helps my favorite status. He is pitching and catching. He was a preferred walk on, on his team....which I hear is a big deal. As far as soccer he is on a select team. That for me means less shit on my dream house. For him it means he's pretty damn good at soccer. Yes, I'm totally being that mom. Bragging about my kids....sooo annoying I know!!!! My not so charming prince got first for pole vaulting in the meet at our school last week. This week he got second. He beat his record which is big. He beat a lot of kids who train all year. He is a natural. He has had no training all year. Busy with football and his girlfriend. I'm super proud of him. I have always been proud of him. I really believe my kids are the best things I ever did in my life. Remember I never did Brad Pit or Clooney...Just sayin. Bad Kerry!!!!!! We need a new pole for the highshool though. I'm trying to come up with a fundraiser or something to get poles. Do you think it would cause a stir if I sold pot brownies????? I hope anyone reading this knows I'm JOKING about that last line!!!!!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Then I thought back to my week with them thus far. I remembered Pig Pen almost made us late for school over socks. We only have twenty pairs in the drawer. He couldn't find a pair he liked. I pictured tasering his ass at the sock drawer. I'm LOLing again. He would jerk I'm sure and look at me like I was crazy, probably start to cry but I bet we wouldn't have a sock problem again. Then I pictured Cole..aka..Drama this week. I had to redirect him at least ten times on his homework last night. I imagined myself sitting in the chair next to him with my taser. I'd zap his ass every time he started to drift off into LaLa land. He would very dramatically start to cry and say "You don't like me as much as the others I knew it"! I'd taser his ass again. I bet homework hours would become homework hour! I pictured the not so Charming Prince demanding I stop for breakfast tacos because he was going to die of starvation. If those tacos didn't sound so good to me I would have never stopped. I would taser his ass and say..."You still feel like your dying of starvation or do you just feel like your dying now? ". He would not cry. He would probably say something like "What the Hell, your crazy". I would taser his ass again and say "You want to see crazy?". Then there is Hubs. He would say.."You know what you need" (Wink, wink) I would say..."Yes, I do and I have a new toy". LOLing again!!!!!
The tasering would become a problem for me. I'd taser them to get in the car, to eat their veggies, to get up, get dressed, do homework, to get away from the TV, to get away from the computer, to go away, to shut up, to clean up, to flush, to say please, thank you, and say yes Mama you are the fairest of them all. I would be a tasering Mother Trucker. I can no long use extreme foul language on here. It makes my Grumps mad. I need to stay the favorite and stay in the will. They would threaten to call CPS on me. I would dare them with my taser in hand. I would have two and I would learn to twirl them like they used to do with guns in old westerns. Wow, I got a little carried away with this. I feel the need to say....since there are so many uptight peeps out there. I would NEVER taser my people I live with. Even if the thought makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Reading her text inspired me to "Google" tasering children. Hope the cops won't be checking my computer any time soon. First thing that poped up was "Taseler TM for kids". I of course had to see what this was about. It said "Taseler for kids Only 99.95". I thought relatively cheap for such satisfaction. It said it guarantees you'll have children that obey. I did think "NO SHIT". Claims your kids will be the best dressed kids. I don't know about best dressed but I bet they would be the fastest dressed kids. Says it shoots six barbed spikes at the press of the trigger. That warm and fuzzy feeling is coming over me again. Says it's lower voltage for children. You can use it on kids as young as six. Then the web site has something called Taseler news. The news says it only has 20 mild injuries reported. Teachers get 25 percent off. Says the wounds heal in 72 hours! Also says...It's not that bad it only feels like tiny fish hooks in your skin. I text my friend to tell her to look up this web site. She text back...."Holy Shit, can't stop laughing...I love that they say it conditions them for when they get tasered by police later in life". Once again I would not ever taser a child, I only think about it.