Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Are you really embarrassed by my presence?

The past few weeks when I drop Cole off at school....he says..."Can you pull away fast". At that moment I realized he is at the age where my presence embarrasses him. Embarrassed really already????? This has happened everyday for weeks now. It has bothered me a little. It also makes me laugh a little too. Remembering all the silly things about my parents that embarrassed me. They were the most ridiculous things. I was embarrassed as a kid because they were young and good looking. I wanted old parents like my friends. I was embarrassed that my dad would drop me off in a sports car instead of a station wagon. I would ask my dad to drop my friends and I off a few blocks from a party or a football game. I was super embarrassed of my moms plaid jacket. Silly right????
When I picked Pig Pen up from school today I asked him if I embarrassed him. He looked at me as if I was asking a trick question and shrugged his shoulders. I said.."No, really you can tell me". He asked why. I said "because Cole is embarrassed by me and I'm wondering if I do anything to embarrass you". He kind of did this line smile. He does this when he nervous or lying. He said.."Well sometimes you do". I say.."Well what do I do". He said.."You cuss sometimes especially the A word". "Sometimes I don't like what you wear". "You yell at me in front of my friends, and I was embarrassed when the Zumba place put a video of you on the Internet. I laughed at some of it. I do say "ass" way too much. I say..."What I wear???". I ask if I dress too young or too frumpy. He says..."What's frumpy". I say.."Sloppy". He says.."neither, I just don't like your outfit sometimes". Fair enough. I hated a few things my parents wore. I say.."I only yell at you in front of your friends when you are doing wrong or are not following rules". He says.."It embarrasses me though". I say.."Well don't do anything wrong and that problem is solved". He says..."Can't you just pull me aside?". I say.."can't you just do the right thing". I ask why he would be embarrassed by the Zumba video. "None of your friends will ever see it". My instructor put a video on her page to advertise Zumba. There was a bunch of us and I was in the back. You couldn't even tell it was me. He says.."I was embarrassed for you because you weren't the best, some of the others were way better". I laughed and said.."Don't worry about me that doesn't bother me". Now he is my perfectionist he likes to be the best at what he is doing or he doesn't do it. This is a problem we are working on.

Later in the night I ask Cole about the car thing. I say.."Why do you want me to pull away fast, do I embarrass you?". He says..."No, but the eighth graders say.."Look your mommy is waiting for you to get in the doors". I say.."their jealous because I care so much". He shakes his head and says.."I don't think so". He says.."They think you treat me like a baby". Fair enough, I get it. I ask if there is anything else I do that embarrass  him. He says.."No, but your sister embarrasses me". I seriously laugh out loud and say.."What has Twisty done to embarrass my baby?". He says.."When she was here she said I had a large butt crack". I laugh out loud once again. Mostly because when he was a baby his ass was so fat his crack looked long. I couldn't help taking pictures of it. I would post one but I believe you can get in trouble for that. I say.."When did she do that?" He says.."At the lake, in front of my friends". Now they laugh and say.."You have a large butt crack". I laugh again. Then he gets mad that I'm laughing. He says.."Actually, you do embarrass me too". I say.."Oh yeah, why?". He says.."You fart". I belly laugh, fart, and say.."Everybody farts". He says..."You fart like a man and laugh about it". I say.."You fart all the time". He says.."I'm a guy". I say.."Everybody farts, get over it, I never fart in front of your friends". Because he always has to have the last word he says...."But your supposed to be a lady and ladies don't fart".  I blow a big fart with my mouth. He thinks it's real. He yells very dramatically..."MOMMMMMMM, see what I mean".

The not so charming prince comes down. I ask him if I embarrass him. He's like.."Um, Yes". The little guys start to laugh. I say.."What? Really?'. He says.."Your loud". Then he says.."Sometimes you think your funny when your not". Then he says.."For the most part your not that bad, I've seem worst". Oh thank you, Prince Charming. All the sudden they all start to remember other times I embarrassed them. Pi Pen says..."Wait remember when you beeped at that guy and he got out of his car to yell at you?" "That was really embarrassing". I say.."But he stopped on 290 in traffic to gaze at Xmas trees". He says.."It was still embarrassing". Then Cole is like.."Remember when you complained at the fast food place". I say.."We got the wrong order for the second time". Then Blake is like.."Remember when you argued with the girl at Foot Locker about the shoes??". I say.."They were on the sale rack and weren't on sale...in fact almost nothing on the sale rack was on sale". This is really starting to go no where fast!

Stay at home mom verses a working mom

 I have actually been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I worked full time when I had the not so charming Prince. I also worked full time when little Drama boy came around. I worked part time for a few months after Pig Pen formally known as baby Bud Light was born. I often think about both my lives. The working one and the stay at home one. There are highs and lows to both of them. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom when I worked. I was jealous of my friends who got to stay home. I thought it sounded like the perfect life. I will never forget my last day of work. I had finally arrived in the world I thought I would never take up space in.
 What would I do with all my free time????? I would raise perfect kids, do lunches and play dates, get the house put together, go through all that shit in my closets, cook perfect dinners, and maybe take up a hobby. I could finally relax and focus on raising my kids. There would be no more trying to get myself up and ready. Get three kids out the door to daycare. No more having to miss stuff because of work. No more worrying about vacation time. I just got granted a permanent vacation. No more worrying about getting to the daycare on time in fear they will charge me more for every five minutes. No more missed games. No more missed school parties. I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted. This is what I dreamed about and asked for. I finally had a perfect life.
 I was sadly mistaken in some ways. I also have been blessed with lots of great memories. I did not raise perfect kids, and my closets are still a mess. I have had lots of lunches and play dates. What I wasn't banking on was being a prisoner the first few years. It was just too hard to grocery shop with a five year old, a two year old, and a new born. I would much rather chew on glass or poke my eyes with needles. I sometimes didn't brush my teeth till five and never got out of my PJ's. At one point I became frumpy and stopped trying to look fashionable. Play dates were me chasing kids who could fall in a pool and sink. Not as relaxing as I imagined. I yelled too much because we were together too much. Kids can be most annoying. They were demanding little shit birds.....more demanding than my jobs ever were. At one point I drank too much. I always liked to enjoy some cocktails with friends. It had gotten slightly out of control for awhile. I drank at night to feel like an adult and self medicate from the days shenanigans. I actually got more things accomplished when I worked. Because I needed to get things done. Now I would put things off because I always had tomorrow. I ate more than I ever ate before. I watched more TV than I ever did. I had more time to worry about every thing. Boy I worried about everything too. I watched too much DR. OZ and self diagnosed myself with lots of stuff he talked about. I would think "I feel like that, I have that pain...OMG..I'm DYING". I suffered from panic attacks for a while. Car rides became pure HELL at times. I have heard the word "MOMMMMM" more times than I can count. Some times the sound of wrappers opening sends me over the edge. I kind of lost me for a while.

I often thought I was just not cut out for this. I think in many ways my relationship with Hubs suffered over me staying home. I certainly didn't want to put out as much. I had given everything I had all day. I had nothing left. I became jealous that he got to go to work and escape the madness. Talk to adults. Sometimes I'd sit in my front yard waiting for an adult to walk by so I could talk to them. Sometimes I got caught up in gossiping and judging when I had no right. I still struggle with that from time to time. There are no sick days for sure!!!!! This was not what I had pictured in my head at all.
 Would I change anything?????? YES....But not being able to stay home. I do feel blessed that I have had the opportunity to stay home. There are lots of moms who don't ever get that. I'm very great full.  I have not missed much in my kids lives. I'm at all the games and school functions. I get to volunteer. I get to cook dinner and drive them to all their over scheduled activities. My kids have gotten to do everything they want because I stay home.  I have become an embarrassment to them. I kind of secretly like that! I hope someday they appreciate all I have done and the things I have given up....LIKE MY SANITY. These people I live with may need therapy since I stayed home. I need some too. In my mind we are even. An eye for an eye!!!
Now I am currently looking for a job again so these shit birds can drive and go to college. BITTER....naaaa....Just tired!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Why do some people have self control???

 Do you ever wonder why some people have self control and others don't. Are we taught it or are we born with it. We all know the people who get up and work out, eat right, and pretty much suck in my mind. I'm slightly green. There are the people who put their mind to crap and get it done. They suck too. I find it most irritating that I was not taught or born with this trait. It's funny because Aidan...aka..Pig Pen wins an award year after year for perseverance. Every time he wins this I think..."WTH". Where does he get this from. It certainly doesn't come from me. I know I didn't teach him anything great like that. It makes me think we are born with it. I have stuck to Zumba which happens to be a big deal for me. The problem is the fat is still sticking. It's like stupid super glue! I blame early mental pause. It couldn't possibly be sugar and burgers!!!!! I have done that my whole life. Bullshit I say! I swear sometimes at night when the kids have pushed me to the beer fridge and shit TV I run for the beer and then jog in place at the fridge. Every Monday I say..."That's it I'm going to only drink water and green tea, eat only veggies, fruits, and seeds". Then the cheeseburgers and sugary drinks start talking to me. Their evil bitches too. I did do a boot camp for the first time in my life after Zumba the other day. My nasty friend talked me into staying. I've been cussing her ever since. Every time the instructor looked away I stopped. I'm a work in process for sure. I swear men have it easier. I have said it on this bog before. A little belly fat and winkles look alright on them. Bullshit I say...Did I say that already!!!!!??????
I totally want to have a house warming party if I ever get in my dream house. I want to replace the "Poo, Poo" spray with an air horn. Can you imagine how damn funny that would be????? We could totally call people out for crapping out all the bacon appetizers I plan on having.

So for all you Bachelor watchers have you seen "burning Love" on the "E" channel???? I spent my Saturday night watching it and laughing my ass off. I just thought wouldn't it be nice if we could watch TV and literally laugh our fat ass off???? I'd be one skinny bitch! In a perfect world!!!!  Anyway burning love is a spoof of the bachelor. Totally makes fun of it. Dude gives girls a "Hose" instead of a rose. See once again no self control...totally addicted to it.

Final notes....my day was filled with games and driving these people around. Note to self..."You need self help books on audio for all the driving". I had a mommy "WTH" moment in the car. One of these people I live with was picking their nose. I looked over and said.."Where do you plan on putting that boog your picking". As I said that he rolled it and flicked it on the floor. I said..."Be a professional and flick it out the window". He said.."What's the difference??". I say..."Cause I know it's there and it bothers me, I'm not a booger fan".

Saturday, March 23, 2013

I'm asking the Universe and I call bullshit!

 So I have read the ask the Universe books, I have asked the Universe and it's bullshit.

I have a very long list of what I ask the Universe for. I'm not giving up though. I hate list but here it is.....

1....I have asked the Universe for perfect kids....Un-popular book worms. The kind of kids who turn into Steve Jobs later in life. I don't think the Universe is listening. I have popular kids, who are making mistakes and are not straight A students....At least two of them. I worry I mean don't sleep over my oldest many nights. He scares the crap out of me. I think back to all the things I was doing in high school that my parents would have probably bet the farm I wasn't. Things are even worst now with Facebook, instagram, twitter, and something I just found out about called snap gram. It's too much to monitor. I feel overwhelmed for sure. I often think I wish my kids could flash to their 40 year old life and look at the stupid shit their going to do in their teen years. I wish that they knew it's better to be a leader than a follower! I think kids don't know where the line is with all this on line crap. It's so much easier to say something when your not face to face. I would have been one hot mess if this crap was available to me before I could handle it. I can be a hot mess on it sometimes and I'm in my forties! So Universe I'm asking again make my kids nerds. book worms, and straight A students who make all the right decisions.

2...I have asked the universe to turn my bad habits into good habits. It's not listening to that either. I often ask the Universe to let me wake up a different person. The one who loves to work out, eat right, the perfect mom, who has all the right answers, who brainwashes her kids to be perfect, the perfect wife, who likes to please her husband, doesn't get annoyed by him, the person that people say..."I want her life".

3...I have asked the Universe for unlimited funds....not listening. I want to have the kind of money that I can do great things with. Billionaire kind of money. I would be the greatest kind of person if I had unlimited money. I fantasize about this kind of money. I would do great things. I would take care of all my family. Surprising them with their houses paid off. I would give ungodly tips to service people and pick an un fortunate family to take care of. I think it would be great to give a family who had nothing everything...Damn it I'm supposed to be Ellen or Oprah.

4....I have asked to Universe for good health...not listening. Since getting diagnosed with MS it has been a torn in my side. I don't want to fear walking some day. That is something that most people take for granted. Me included. I hate to even think of it, I ignore it most days. That is until I can't feel one side of me. It becomes real to me then. I try to dance as much as I can fearing someday I will not be able to. .....Do you hear me Universe?????

5...I ask the Universe for happy and healthy children. So far the Universe has come through. Like I said before I worry about them all the time. It's funny because when I was younger I wondered if I would ever marry or have children. I married young. Now that I'm older I feel I married a little too young. We were so immature when we married. We were still growing up. My God Hubs was 24 and I was 25. We had no idea what it was to be married. We have had our share of growing pains for sure. We have had our share of ups and downs. Looks like we made it though...can't you hear Barry???  Sometimes I think in marriage you are up when your partner is down.  It seems it's hard to be on the same page sometimes. My hope for my kids is they marry or date someone that has their back through the good, bad, and the ugly. Because that is what marriage truly is. It's Good, bad, and sometimes ugly. Growing up in the 80's ruined me. Anyone who grew up in the 80's remembers the 80's movie with the guy and the boom box. They also remember the hot guy who showed up to to wedding and had a perfect Bday cake for his girl. We are warped into thinking we will have a perfect 80's movie ending. Guys really don't do that shit in real life. I think it's bullshit. Damn you 80's movies you gave me an unrealistic view of how it should be. Now Hubs is paying for that!

6...I want my people to be around forever. Universe did not listen. All of my grandparents are gone. Grandparents should live forever. They are the version of your parents you wished you had. They love you unconditionally no matter how bad you mess up. You can do no wrong in their eyes. I miss all my Grandparents. My Mom's dad died right before she got pregnant with me. I feel sad that I never got to know him. I feel I got cheated. I can't imagine how my mom feels. When I had my kids I was so excited for the Grandparents to meet them. My Moms died shorty after I had Blake. He doesn't remember her and that makes me sad. What I remember about her is playing card games, going through her basement, and her drawers. She had the best jewelry and shoes. She lost her mind in the end. I fear that. I would hate to not recognize my people. My Dads dad was a card as the old people used to say in the olden days. He was funny as shit. He was around for the birth of all my kids.  My Grandma who was around the longest was my dads mom. she crazy loved her family.  When she died it crushed me. Mostly because I never saw anyones eyes light up the way hers did when we walked in a room. I spent lots of time with her as a kid. Gosh I miss her. She happened to be one of the most perfect things in my life. I miss her so much. I wish she was still here. She died on Thanksgiving. I will never forget that. Thanksgiving for me has become thankful for her. I'm so glad that my kids were old enough to remember what a great lady she was. Gosh writing this makes me sad...

Anyway, I'm still asking the Universe...ya know ask and you will receive........

On a final note....missing the Golden Jerk and Twisty. My sister happened to make a perfect child!

Friday, March 22, 2013

Spring Break, Twisty comes to town.

 Spring break has come and gone super fast. My sister Twisty came to town with the Golden Jerk. When she comes I can always count on good conversation, belly laughs, and shit TV. The day after she came we headed out to Lake Conroe for a few days. On the way there she bitched about my driving. Then we were having one of our strange conversations. I said..."Do you ever feel like your going crazy??", "Like you could possibly end up in a crazy house some day?" She laughed and said.."Yes". Then she said..."It might not be that bad though". She said.."Imagine, no responsibility except to take your crazy pills and act like a loon". I thought that sounds surprisingly relaxing. Thinking I may need to fake a mental break if these people keep taunting me the way they do. I often imagine myself faking alcoholism. I think rehab sounds fab! In no means do I mean to insult someone who truly has a problem. I know how awful that can be. Remember I grew up Irish/Catholic. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers from any addiction. Mine happens to be DR. Pepper and Cheeseburgers!

While in Lake Conroe we/I became obsessed with this black guy. We had the best time people watching at the resorts pool. I said.."Look at that black guy".....He slithered around like a cool snake ready to take out his prey. She said..."What's your obsession with black guys?". I said..."I never dated one, never even thought about it, but there was this night at a club when I watched a black guy dancing next to a white guy...it was downhill from there".  Plus it was too late because I already married the white guy who dances like he's shooting guns. I said..."there is something about their confidence and the way they move". She laughed and said..."Look at his girlfriend, they like big bootie too, so your all good". Then we talked about how they are rumored to not like to go downtown. We realized why we stalk from afar. It would never work. I do have to say...I know I'm married but I'm not dead either. Looking at "hotness" is a natural thing. I also know if a hot fit super slithering beast of a girl walked by Hubs, him and his friends would have a conversation too. Hub's even asked who the black dude was in our pictures. I simply said..."pool eye candy". He said nothing but did roll his eyes.

Our trip was filled with a few cocktails, lots of fattening food, tons of laughs, and it went too fast. On our way home I set the GPS in motion. We took a wrong turn and ended up driving through downtown Austin. I said we would get home at 7:00 pm. We would have actually got home at six if we didn't take that wrong turn. Twisty said..."The Universe heard you and now were not going to get home till seven". I said or growled ...."Why doesn't it hear me when I say I'm going to win the lotto??". I was getting frustrated...I hate driving downtown. The traffic sucks and there's a red light every few feet. She was texting my friend who was with us in Lake Conroe. I asked what she was texting her. She said.."I told her you took a wrong turn and now your growling as if you are the devil". We laughed!
After we got home we relaxed that night or maybe watched a shit load of shit TV. We never met a housewife we didn't judge. For you people who watch the housewives do you ever notice they have no winkles, have perfectly plumped up lips, and seem to have someone to help with everything??? Cooking, workouts, kids, get driven everywhere, and take fabulous trips. We could all be that fab if we had to watch ourselves on TV and had ridiculous amounts of money. BTW, no ones chin has no fat at their age....they get that shit sucked out. Their lives are just as messed up as ours but they look good messing it up. Slightly jealous.

The next day Hubs and I took Twisty and the Golden Jerk to their first rodeo. When we pulled up the Golden Jerk said.."I'm so excited for the rodeo". Hubs asked her "What's a rodeo". She said..."I don't know but I'm so excited". I love this kid! We did have a great time. Too much money but great people watching. We went with lots of friends. One of our friends name is "Boogie". Ella sat with him and his son for the rodeo. On our way home a little voice came from the back. It said..."Kerry, is your friends name Boogie cause he is the Boogie man???". I seriously almost wet my pants. I told her he is not in fact the "Boogie man, there is no such thing as the boogie man". Then I said something about how strange the moon was to Hubs. All of the sudden I hear her say.."Aidan, do you see how strange the moon looks??". She repeated everything I said word for word to Pig Pen. I call her out for being a story stealer. Twisty says..."She's a lot like you". I think..Damn I knew loved that girl.
Saturday we went to Erin and Zack's for good conversation and better yet a damn good meal. After that my most amazing Hubs took all the kids home and put them to bed so Twisty and I could go to the local dance hall. There was this guy there kind of stalking us. He had a mustache that looked like something from a seventies western. He came up after stalking us for at least two hours. You know the stalking...winks and all. He asked me to dance. I said..."NO". Twisty was like go dance with him. I told him she was from Chicago and needed to be schooled on how to two step. So they went out to the dance floor. When she came back she said.."he was not a catch but was a good teacher".
Sunday we had a photo shoot with the Golden Jerk. There were so many great shots I could post at least 100. I won't bore you with our family vanity though. Facebook is good for that! Sadly they had to go home. In a perfect world they would live here! Weather is better for sure. I will miss them. My sister is my best friend. Who knew, she used to throw me under the bus for no good reason when we were kids. I have so many funny stories about us over the years. What I love about her is I can count on her for everything. She judges me, but she's not phony she calls my ass out. She told me while she was here that I yell at my kids for nothing but then I don't yell at them when they need it. I tend to ignore the big stuff. Sometimes I think this parenting thing is too much for me. I want to hold my white flag out and give up. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels that way. It's so hard to be the voice of reason and the enforcer sometimes. I find myself seeing things I should correct but I ignore them to stop a fight. I can be lazy like that. Like food in the bedrooms. My sister knows the good, bad, and the evil about me....we are still friends! We talk about everything, she is the one I can count one to be honest even when I don't want to hear it. She is the one who still has my back even if my back is full of hair. I have her back too. I think she is an amazing sister and an even better mom. My most favorite times I spend with her.  The Golden Jerk did her regular thing...she stole my thunder. Singing perfect songs, telling funny stories, and looking damn cute. When we dropped them off at the airport I cried. She faked cried like an Oscar winning actress. She fake cried and said..."Kerry I'm going to cry night and day cause I miss you". I think my favorite memories of her is when my sister asked her who her favorite person in the world was. She was expecting Ella to say her. Ella did say her at first...then she said.."Actually it's Kerry". My heart melted even if I recognized she is a pleaser just like me.

While we were Wimberly we got a missed call from Grumps which is our Dad. I was getting a Facebook message at the same time. It said Joanne Kane was trying to friend me. I screamed as if someone died. I said..."OMG, Kelly...Mom is on Facebook".  She screamed.."No Way". Now we love Debbie but we don't want her on Facebook for many reasons. She will call us out for one.  She will ask questions about who the people are on friends pictures. We will have no idea cause we haven't seen these people in years. She will say things like their name is there! We will still have no idea who is in their pictures.  She will be a Facebook stalker. A funny one at that! We did get or quick wit from from her. She does like to call me out on bad grammar.  She will be shocked about the shit we post. Kelly will have to stop telling "Debbie" stories.
After they left we went on like life never missed a beat. I got right back into getting up too early and getting three kids to three different schools in the Am. Blake my not so charming prince had a track meet in Wimberly. I got the kids to school and settled in to a much needed nap after doing boot camp the day before. Damn this fat for sticking like super glue. I'm trying I swear....I also swear this fat is holding on for dear life no matter what I do. Damn it for not liking a good soda and an even better burger! Sucks getting old! Anywho, I went to meet. My good friend came. I told her to get there at four. He didn't vault till six. As much as I bitch about these people I live with..I love them more than words can say. I'm super proud of my oldest. Ya know the not so charming prince. Even though I would have schooled him more about how how to talk to adults who are there to cheer him on. I couldn't be more proud of him tonight. He beat his record. Getting over 11 feet. He tied for the win. To me this kid is amazing..even if I cuss him daily. That cussing shit is all in my head most of the time!  I looked at him tonight when he was waiting to vault. I had an image of his childhood flash in my head. I can't believe how fast it has gone.
These people I live with are growing up way too fast........It makes me sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Spring Break Rocks! If your in college doing beer bongs, kissing strangers, and puking on beaches!

 Spring Break rules! If your in college doing beer bongs, kissing strangers, and puking on beaches! So I was sitting here thinking about Spring Breaks past. I thought back to Mexico. I went with a group of girls. We had gone to this crazy bar where they shot foam onto the dance floor. I was super short so the foam was over my head. I started to suck it in and I couldn't catch my breath. I was trying to find my way out of the foam thinking the whole time my mama is going to be so upset that I died drowning in the foam. Obviously I found my way out. Then there was Mexico again where I sucked beer out of a baby bottle held by a stranger in a very inappropriate place. My friend won cause she cheated and bit the nipple off the bottle. There was the beach trip where I puked up moonshine and then proceeded to make out with a boy I never saw again. I wonder why! That same beach trip my girlfriend was trying to do too many beer bongs. She puked in front of the huge crowd of hot guys right after......Good times...good times! Then there was the cruise my two friends and I took. We should have researched. It was no singles cruise. It was a cruise filled with couples and families! We did manage to make friends with the single hotties working there. Thinking about all these spring break past scares the shit out of me now that I have kids! I left out some of the more inappropriate crap since Grumps reads this! Thank God this was before Facebook, instagram, and camera phones!
 So the other day I missed a call from my Mom...aka..Debbie. She hates when I call her Debbie since her name is Joanne. She's a bit of a Debbie Downer though. She left a message for me. When I listened she said..."It's Debbie Downer calling". I really did laugh out loud...LOLing. I knew if she was calling herself that she was calling to tell me a Debbie Downer story. I called her back and she said I have a Debbie story for you. I didn't know what to expect...you never know what she's going to say. Especially since she reads the obituaries with her morning coffee. I have heard about more people I don't know deaths from her. So she is telling me how she was on the computer reading about the Pope. A few weeks ago she called to tell me she thought it was odd the Pope was stepping down. WAAAAA, WAAAAA, WAAAAA! She came across some website that talked about one of those people who predicted stuff. She told me there will only be 112 Popes. The one stepping down is 111. So I say..."Are you trying to say the world is ending?". She says "that Nostrdomis(?) guy predicted this too". Then she tells me the last Popes name will be Peter. I start to tune her out.....thinking why does she tell me this stuff! If that next Pope's name is Peter I'm going to crap my pants. I'm also going to go out and find Pitt and Clooney....it's on like donkey kong! Sorry Grumps! She did say   "Now don't go telling Aidan, I know how this worries him".

Speaking of Debbie. I was cleaning up my Email tonight. She is an Email sending fool. There are days when she forwards me twenty something Emails. It's everything from Walmart people to how to know if your having a stroke. Some I read and some I just delete. One tonight that I was LOLing at was about how people came up with different shit. It said who was the first person to look at a cow and decide to squeeze it's utters and drink what came out. I often think about stuff like this. I do wonder who thinks of things like this and why we all join in it! This cow thing got me thinking. Wondering what asshole did think of that and how it happened. Was it someone stuck on a farm with no food or water???? Were they desperate and decided to squeeze that shit???? Was it a perv trying to get it on with the cow????? Who thought to crack eggs that were housing future chicks and eat them????? Who was the first person to kill a cow and eat it's insides???? Why did they think it was a good idea???? I still cuss the person who decided to shoot poison in our faces to get rid of wrinkles. Do these people sit around baked trying this crap out???? I could go on forever, but I won't bore you.

Another Email that had me LOLing from her was "Learn Chinese in five minutes".

1. That's not right.....aka Chinese.......Sum ting wong
2. See me...aka Chinese.....Dum Fuk
3. Did you go to the beach...aka Chinese...Wai yu so tan
4. Staying out of sight...aka Chinese...Lei ying lo

I think my all time favorite Debbie story is when John F Kennedy Jr died. She called me and said..."Something strange happened to me". She goes on to tell me that she was dreaming JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. Then she woke up turned on the TV and it had just happened. I called bullshit. I said..."Was your TV on while you were sleeping?". She said.."NO!!!!". I did find that strange. I told her if she ever dreams of me dying not to tell me. I want to be surprised when I go!
Final notes.....Weird people like to tell me weird stuff. I was at CVS today. There was checker who knows me by name now. One time he was telling me how he turned his apartment into a Jimmy Buffet scene. He put up lights and even put a baby pool filled with water in his living room. I bet he's single. Especially since he's at least 30. So today I was there buying lipgloss and peeps. He says...."Ya know, if you put those in the microwave they will explode". I say.."Really, you've tried this??". He says.."Yes, but put a clear glass bowl over it and watch, this way you won't make a mess". So I'm sitting here tonight unable to sleep wanting to put one of those peeps in the microwave to watch them explode. Damn it if we don't have to turn the clocks forward!!!!! In my perfect world life would start at noon!!!!!!

Is it really already spring break????

So I can't believe the year has flown by again lighting fast! We are in Spring Break week. For teachers this is a great week. For Mom's who like their few hours of peace this is a VERY long week. A week of fights, what are we doing today's, what are we doing next, I'm bored, staying up past bedtime, hogging the TV, the computer, and just plain driving us nuts. It doesn't come at a good time for me. Hubs and I are in an all out war over building my/our dream home. Note to any married couples out there...building a dream house is not good for the soul. It's overrated unless you shit money and happen to agree on stuff. Hubs and I have been taking turns having breakdowns.  Today we found out that our house did not appraise for the price were trying to build it for. This means if we want it the way we want it we have to pay upfront for the difference.  So we are in a fight once again. It was his idea to move in the first place. Just sayin. The sad thing is the reason it's not appraising is because the house next door to our lot recently sold. The people sold it for way under what it was worth. So it is one of our comps. Now the house across the street sold too. It sold for market value. They took the two and gave us the average. It's not our fault the people next to us sold their home for 100 thousand under value to get out of it.  We are fighting over what to cut out. I could tell you what I want to cut but I'll keep it to myself!  My thing is the main house is most important. We should cut money in bedrooms. Hubs wants to cut countertop money and front doors. To me the front doors and kitchen are most important. He also wants to cut flooring price. We should cheap out the kids rooms and bathrooms. They are temps in our home.

This is really my dream neighborhood though. Since I moved here six years ago I drove in this neighborhood every time I passed it. I love it. I'm supposed to live in it. DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE. The developer is extremely hard to work with though. We turned in our plans that have to be approved by him. He wasn't a fan.  He wants to put his two cents in about the shape of windows and door sizes. I do think in the long run we will love the house and the neighborhood. That is if Hubs and I survive this. Otherwise it will be in a ranch with dogs and kids every other weekend. Is it sad that that makes me smile big????   It's kinda of funny though. We left my dream house and moved into this much smaller rental. We don't really feel any different. I thought I would miss my house. I do once in a while.  When I drive by it and see them doing all the things I wanted to do. But I don't feel as sad as I thought I would. We miss our next door neighbors more than the house. My kids haven't skipped a beat being here. They actually are having a good time hanging out with the kids here. Most of the neighbors here have not welcomed us with open arms. Probably because they know were not staying. A lot of the high school coaches and their families live here. We are enjoying the time with them.  The only thing I have missed is during the holidays a lot of our stuff is in storage. I guess in my later years I'm realizing a house is a home if you make it home.

So on my birthday Hubs said I can go get all that botox I bitch about. I bitch, thinking he will never agree. Since he said do it I have become Chicken shit...with a capital Chicken. I can't even get a mole removed without felling like the room is spinning. I can't even go to Dentist without feeling faint. So all my big talk about wanting botox caught up with me.  A younger friend of mine swears by this face cream line. I do think about the fact she is at least ten years younger. My skin looked really good ten years ago.So it's not a fair comparison.  Damn Debbie for being right about sun, night cream, and alcohol.  So I tried it. It's called Replenix. I use the face wash, the serum, the night cream, and the "it will cure all cream". I do have to say my skin feels baby soft. It did help with lines even though it did not get rid of them totally. Overall my skin looks better. I'm hard on it too. Bad diet, three boys, and one husband reeks havoc on me. I don't usually promote products on my blog. I do promote the Nutribullet which I have a love hate relationship with.  If your a chicken shit like me it's the next best thing.   Anyway if you want a good skin cream product try Replenix....especially if you are young. I only wish I cared in my younger years. It catches you. Start young and maybe you will not worry about it in your forty's. idealceuticals.com 

Anywho, on my final note. This week has been crazy for me. Since I let my youngest do two sports I have had to take him to practice every night of the week. Damn him for being good at both! He got on the White Sox team for baseball. I was so excited since it's my Grumps favorite team. It helps my favorite status. He is pitching and catching. He was a preferred walk on, on his team....which I hear is a big deal. As far as soccer he is on a select team. That for me means less shit on my dream house. For him it means he's pretty damn good at soccer. Yes, I'm totally being that mom. Bragging about my kids....sooo annoying I know!!!!  My not so charming prince got first for pole vaulting in the meet at our school last week. This week he got second. He beat his record which is big. He beat a lot of kids who train all year. He is a natural. He has had no training all year. Busy with football and his girlfriend.   I'm super proud of him. I have always been proud of him. I really believe my kids are the best things I ever did in my life.  Remember I never did Brad Pit or Clooney...Just sayin. Bad Kerry!!!!!!  We need a new pole for the highshool though. I'm trying to come up with a fundraiser or something to get poles. Do you think it would cause a stir if I sold pot brownies????? I hope anyone reading this knows I'm JOKING about that last line!!!!!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Tasering children

I just got a text from a friend that said...."What the hell, your not blogging". I text back.."I have nothing interesting to say lately, I'm un motivated". She text.."I got a few for you, I just heard a parent used a taser on her kid" "I wondered just how much trouble you would REALLY get in". When I read this I laughed out loud...LOLing. Visions of tasering my children danced in my head. I know that's bad but their bad kids! I imagined in the morning when I ask them ten times to get out of bed. They ignore me till I'm yelling, I wouldn't mind tasering their ass!!!!!! I'm LOLing again! Usually they say.."Why are you so mad??". I always say..."I wasn't mad until I asked the same thing ten times". If I could taser them. I picture them looking like those cats with the eyes popping out of their heads and their hair standing up. I bet their ass would be up on the first ask the next day.

Then I thought back to my week with them thus far. I remembered Pig Pen almost made us late for school over socks. We only have twenty pairs in the drawer. He couldn't find a pair he liked. I pictured tasering his ass at the sock drawer. I'm LOLing again. He would jerk I'm sure and look at me like I was crazy, probably start to cry but I bet we wouldn't have a sock problem again. Then I pictured Cole..aka..Drama this week. I had to redirect him at least ten times on his homework last night. I imagined myself sitting in the chair next to him with my taser. I'd zap his ass every time he started to drift off into LaLa land. He would very dramatically start to cry and say "You don't like me as much as the others I knew it"! I'd taser his ass again. I bet homework hours would become homework hour! I pictured the not so Charming Prince demanding I stop for breakfast tacos because he was going to die of starvation. If those tacos didn't sound so good to me I would have never stopped. I would taser his ass and say..."You still feel like your dying of starvation or do you just feel like your dying now? ". He would not cry. He would probably say something like "What the Hell, your crazy". I would taser his ass again and say "You want to see crazy?".  Then there is Hubs. He would say.."You know what you need" (Wink, wink) I would say..."Yes, I do and I have a new toy". LOLing again!!!!!

The tasering would become a problem for me. I'd taser them to get in the car, to eat their veggies, to get up, get dressed, do homework, to get away from the TV, to get away from the computer, to go away, to shut up, to clean up, to flush, to say please, thank you, and say yes Mama you are the fairest of them all. I would be a tasering Mother Trucker. I can no long use extreme foul language on here. It makes my Grumps mad. I need to stay the favorite and stay in the will.  They would threaten to call CPS on me. I would dare them with my taser in hand. I would have two and I would learn to twirl them like they used to do with guns in old westerns. Wow, I got a little carried away with this. I feel the need to say....since there are so many uptight peeps out there. I would NEVER taser my people I live with. Even if the thought makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Reading her text inspired me to "Google" tasering children. Hope the cops won't be checking my computer any time soon. First thing that poped up was "Taseler TM for kids". I of course had to see what this was about. It said "Taseler for kids Only 99.95". I thought relatively cheap for such satisfaction. It said it guarantees you'll have children that obey. I did think "NO SHIT". Claims your kids will be the best dressed kids. I don't know about best dressed but I bet they would be the fastest dressed kids. Says it shoots six barbed spikes at the press of the trigger. That warm and fuzzy feeling is coming over me again. Says it's lower voltage for children. You can use it on kids as young as six. Then the web site has something called Taseler news. The news says it only has 20 mild injuries reported. Teachers get 25 percent off. Says the wounds heal in 72 hours! Also says...It's not that bad it only feels like tiny fish hooks in your skin. I text my friend to tell her to look up this web site. She text back...."Holy Shit, can't stop laughing...I love that they say it conditions them for when they get tasered by police later in life". Once again I would not ever taser a child, I only think about it.