I have actually been both a working mom and a stay at home mom. I worked full time when I had the not so charming Prince. I also worked full time when little Drama boy came around. I worked part time for a few months after Pig Pen formally known as baby Bud Light was born. I often think about both my lives. The working one and the stay at home one. There are highs and lows to both of them. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom when I worked. I was jealous of my friends who got to stay home. I thought it sounded like the perfect life. I will never forget my last day of work. I had finally arrived in the world I thought I would never take up space in.
What would I do with all my free time????? I would raise perfect kids, do lunches and play dates, get the house put together, go through all that shit in my closets, cook perfect dinners, and maybe take up a hobby. I could finally relax and focus on raising my kids. There would be no more trying to get myself up and ready. Get three kids out the door to daycare. No more having to miss stuff because of work. No more worrying about vacation time. I just got granted a permanent vacation. No more worrying about getting to the daycare on time in fear they will charge me more for every five minutes. No more missed games. No more missed school parties. I had all the time in the world to do whatever I wanted. This is what I dreamed about and asked for. I finally had a perfect life.
I was sadly mistaken in some ways. I also have been blessed with lots of great memories. I did not raise perfect kids, and my closets are still a mess. I have had lots of lunches and play dates. What I wasn't banking on was being a prisoner the first few years. It was just too hard to grocery shop with a five year old, a two year old, and a new born. I would much rather chew on glass or poke my eyes with needles. I sometimes didn't brush my teeth till five and never got out of my PJ's. At one point I became frumpy and stopped trying to look fashionable. Play dates were me chasing kids who could fall in a pool and sink. Not as relaxing as I imagined. I yelled too much because we were together too much. Kids can be most annoying. They were demanding little shit birds.....more demanding than my jobs ever were. At one point I drank too much. I always liked to enjoy some cocktails with friends. It had gotten slightly out of control for awhile. I drank at night to feel like an adult and self medicate from the days shenanigans. I actually got more things accomplished when I worked. Because I needed to get things done. Now I would put things off because I always had tomorrow. I ate more than I ever ate before. I watched more TV than I ever did. I had more time to worry about every thing. Boy I worried about everything too. I watched too much DR. OZ and self diagnosed myself with lots of stuff he talked about. I would think "I feel like that, I have that pain...OMG..I'm DYING". I suffered from panic attacks for a while. Car rides became pure HELL at times. I have heard the word "MOMMMMM" more times than I can count. Some times the sound of wrappers opening sends me over the edge. I kind of lost me for a while.
I often thought I was just not cut out for this. I think in many ways my relationship with Hubs suffered over me staying home. I certainly didn't want to put out as much. I had given everything I had all day. I had nothing left. I became jealous that he got to go to work and escape the madness. Talk to adults. Sometimes I'd sit in my front yard waiting for an adult to walk by so I could talk to them. Sometimes I got caught up in gossiping and judging when I had no right. I still struggle with that from time to time. There are no sick days for sure!!!!! This was not what I had pictured in my head at all.
Would I change anything?????? YES....But not being able to stay home. I do feel blessed that I have had the opportunity to stay home. There are lots of moms who don't ever get that. I'm very great full. I have not missed much in my kids lives. I'm at all the games and school functions. I get to volunteer. I get to cook dinner and drive them to all their over scheduled activities. My kids have gotten to do everything they want because I stay home. I have become an embarrassment to them. I kind of secretly like that! I hope someday they appreciate all I have done and the things I have given up....LIKE MY SANITY. These people I live with may need therapy since I stayed home. I need some too. In my mind we are even. An eye for an eye!!!
Now I am currently looking for a job again so these shit birds can drive and go to college. BITTER....naaaa....Just tired!
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