Driving with these people can sometimes be most entertaining

I had to pick Blake up from school early today for a Dr appointment. He had to get a mole looked at by a dermatologist. While in the waiting room I pick up a flyer on cosmetic procedures. Damn that shit is expensive, especially since it only last for six months. I know if I start I will become addicted, I will have to have it every six months. I will be like a crack addict selling the farm for the latest injectable. I fear botox, I think I might get punished for being vein and it will look all messed up. I take the flyer home to look it over. I see there is something I haven't heard of on there. It is called dysport injectables. I google it right away to see what the side effects are. That may cause death side effect freaks me out on the botox thing. This is half the price of botox and I see no death side effect. But it does say it is a toxin that causes botulism. I want to know who is the asshole who thought of shooting botulism into peoples faces to get rid of wrinkles! Life would be so much better if we weren't aware of this. Cure a disease for Gods sakes. I also learned while in the doctors office that the mad mom line between my eyebrow has a name. It is called glabella. I was trying to figure out where they would have come up with a name like this. Through much thought and deliberation and maybe a beer. I came up with Glabella....aka....Gross, Lame, Ass, Bitching, Large, Line, Area. Let me just say I wasn't even aware of parenthesis on my face till that damn commercial came out. By the way Blake's mole was fine. The Dr did find warts on him and had to burn them off. EWWWWWWWWeeeeeeee! I felt a little dizzy while watching this. Oh I just thought of another Glabella name. Great, large, ass, big, ewwwwweeeee, loud, line, asshole. I think the beer has gone to my head.

After the Dr appointment I have to run by the house to pick up dumb and dumber. I tell them to get in the car because we have to take Blake back up to school for football practice. Aidan...aka....dumbest wants to stay behind to play with a friend. Cole gets in the car with Blake and I. We jam all the way back up to school to Katy Perry and Britney Spears. I know I have kind of brain washed them into my girl music but who's judging??? Oh yes everyone! After we drop Blake off I see Cole has his finger up his nose. I look over and say....are you picking your nose? He looks at me and matterofactly says....I have a booger that hurts. A few minutes go by and I see him putting it under the seat. I say.....Why are you putting that booger under the seat?????? He looks at me and very matterofactly says.....Oh Mom what's the big deal no one will see it there! I say....but I will know it is there and it will haunt me. Be a professional booger picker, roll that shit and throw it out the window. We are passing McDonald's since I have zero self control I need to stop for fries. Cole wants a burger. I tell him to eat it quick so Aidan doesn't know we stopped. After we get home Aidan comes in and sees my fry box next to the computer. He says....no fair. This is a phrase I have heard way more than my fair share. I tell him he should have went with us. I offer him the rest of the fries. He says...I don't want fries, I wanted a burger. I tell him we didn't even get burgers. A few minutes goes by and the next thing I know he is waving Cole's burger wrapper from the trash in my face. He has this shit eating grin on his face as he says......you didn't even get burgers huh! I say....like I said you should have gone.

So Blake being the annoying teenager has to stay after football for the girls volleyball game. This means I will have to pick him and his friends up at ten O'clock. So I pick up the boys. One of Blake's friends is telling me how he asked out a girl and she said yes. He is telling me who she is and how excited he is. I tell Blake's friend how Blake does not want to tell me who he likes. This caused an argument between Hub's and me last night when he took Blake's side on this. I was raised by the people who always took each others sides right or wrong. The fact that Hub's said to Blake he doesn't have to tell me rubbed me the wrong way. So I tell Blake's friend how Blake will not tell me who he likes. Blake says... I talk to Dad about the girl stuff and you about other stuff. Oh you silly boy that is your first mistake. I am a girl and have been there and done it all. I feel like I know girls and how they think I could be a huge help for guiding him into the mind of crazy girls. His friends chime in with you have one of the coolest moms ever. I love that but I think it might be because I have an unlimited amount of Gatorade's, snacks, and I allow a ridiculous amount of sleepovers at my house. I'll take it anyway.

Last night my twisted sister who always refers to me as Barbie which I hate. Referred to me as an Evil Genius. Now that I like and I will wear that name proud. Anywho, these people I live with are all asleep which means shit TV for me. Goodnight from the evil genius.

I gave into lazy parenting once again

Cole has been asking for a phone since Blake got one three years ago. I have held him off as long as I could. I have endured many ridiculous afternoons of listening to him complain that everyone has one except him. I tried to tell him that I have lots of friends that have things I want that I don't have. Like botox for example. Blake got his phone when he started the fifth grade. Of course Cole remembers the exact day Blake got his. Can't remember where his shoes are or what his homework is, but this he remembers. Since Cole is now in fifth grade I really can't put it off anymore. I did use this getting a phone to my advantage. I made him earn it. Well sorta. He had to be good and not fight with his brother for seven days. He had to listen to everything I said with NO complaining too. We have been trying this since June. Kid could just not go seven days to save his life. I got so sick of listening to him whine about this phone crap. My lazy ass parenting skills went into place. I made him go one day so he would shut the front door. It still took a few days to have a good one. He finally got it on Saturday. Now being good on Friday shouldn't have even counted since he was in school most of the day and had to go to bed early for football. Like I said before I got tired of listening to him so laziness set in. I know I'm going to pay for this someday.

Hub's gets home with his phone and he is really excited. It was nice to see him so happy. We had some friends over that day. He is busy asking everyone for their phone numbers to program them in. Everyone except me that is. This kind of hurts my feeling so I decide to mess with him. First I call his phone and I breath really heavy into it. While I'm doing this and he is asking who this is. I'm holding back belly laughter. I hang up and come around the corner to hear him look at his friends and say......That was weird someone was breathing in the phone. I'm trying my best to keep a straight face. I run upstairs and call him again. This time in my best ever monster voice I say.....I'm coming to get you followed by an evil laugh. He says...Who is this??? I hang up the phone. Once again he is telling his friends what is happening. He tells me what happens and says he thinks it is Blake. Now Blake is MIA as he is on most weekends. I tell him how can it be Blake. He doesn't even know you have a phone so he can't have your number. His eyes get a little deer in the headlights look in them. Next I text him......I'm going to get you! Then I text him...I can see you. I text him those smiley face icons with their eyes crossed out. He is starting to freak out just a bit. He text back...What's up? I text back a skeleton icon. I text again...I can see you. He text...Hello. I text...I'm going to bury you in the yard with little smiley icons screaming. He text....who are you? I text....The boogie man with a booooo and a ghost icon. He text.....How do you know how I am? I come down and he is telling me the boogie man is texting him. I act scared for him. I run around the corner belly laughing and text him...Don't pick up your phone because I will be there. Then I text him...Don't ride your bike in the woods because I'm waiting for you. He text back.....Ok...I don't have a bike. Which is BS by the way. I then text....I'm coming for you!....You better be able to run fast. He text...I can't run fast can we do this another day? I text back.....Sleep with one eye open. He text back.....Why and where are you? I text back...in your bedroom. I text back meet me in the office. Now me being the queen of Halloween has a drawer full of costumes. I get a big black wig with a skeleton mask on. I'm laughing so hard I might have peed my pants a little. He goes in our office with his friends. This faces the front of our house and has a huge window. I run out the back door around to front of the house. I'm going to knock on the window in this get up. I'm laughing so hard at this point. I love a good prank. Him and his friends are in the office. I go to the window in my black wig and mask. The damn wig is getting in my eyes and making them tear. I still can't stop laughing. I knock on the window and scare the bejesus out of him. As I am out there my friend Ashley pulls up. She looks at me and says....What the hell Kerry! I had to then tell Cole it was me the whole time. I didn't want to be up all night while he feared the boogie man. I'm lazy remember.

So the kids went back to school last Monday, as I write this I can almost hear the ark angels in the distance. Today was our second Monday of thank God school has started. I wake up and get the two little ones up. They are busy fighting over over God knows what! I try to make them something to eat. They are both too busy fighting. They both say they don't want to eat. Lazy parenting kicks in and I say....Whatever then don't eat! They get picked up by a neighbor so I can get the God awful teenager up and out. They wait in the office for him to pull up. I go upstairs to get the teenager in the shower. When I come down the two little ones are punching each other and fighting over who is the lookout for their ride. Oh my God, I can't wait to go back to bed! Their ride comes and I feel this inter peace inside me. The teenager is out of shower and getting ready to go. I go lay down in his Vegas style room spooning my best ever dog. He walks in and says he can't find his other gym shoe. I tell him the dog probably carried it somewhere so look around. He comes in again and says...I can't find it anywhere. I tell him to wear a different set of shoes. The house is now silent and I dose off into one of those hard sleeps, the kind where your dreaming you are someone totally different. I'm about an hour into my deep vampire boyfriend sleep when my cell phone rings. It's Hub's rudely interrupting my beauty sleep. He yells in the phone...I have had the worst morning ever. He then tells me the school nurse called him to tell him Aidan has a headache and wants to come home. I list his number first on school things for a reason. I don't want my beauty sleep to be interrupted. He then tells me he had to take Blake to school because he missed the bus over the missing shoe. He tells me he told the school nurse if Aidan didn't have a fever or was not throwing up he was staying. I say...alright you got it now I'm going back to bed.

So I pick up the little guys from school. Aidan tells me he was in the nurses office in the am. I ask why???? He says...I had a headache and they gave me breakfast. I say...I offered you breakfast and you wouldn't eat it. He says don't worry Mom...I just told her we woke up late and we didn't have time for breakfast! I say...that is lie, I offered you it but you were too busy fighting with your brother. He says...I know but I didn't want to look bad in front of her. Alright then...my kids throws me under the bus instead. Bullshit I say! I need a vacation from these people I live with!

The final....My Mom dresses me like my much younger sister picture.

So last night when I was blogging about my Mom dressing me like my much younger sister. I accidentally deleted this last picture. I said I was about 19. My Twisted sister reminded me that I was more like 20 or 21. I think I may need therapy over this matchy, match shit! This was in our church directory for Gods sake. Can you imagine my humiliation. This is also the picture that my 10 year old asked why Kelly....aka...Twisty and I had long Afro's. That would be called...bad perms from the late eighties. Lets just hope and pray the eighties do not resurface. Though I am wondering with these feathers in the hair if it is not coming back. Notice I am smiling and Twisty is frowning! I don't remember if Twisty is frowning because of her awful braces that they used to put on way to late in life or if she is miserable from smelling all the aqua net in her hair. What I do love about this picture is Twisty and me do not look like we have eight years between us. Because I was a late bloomer I always looked closer in age to her than I was. That was until I got married and had kids. Now I have that road hard put away wet look. Which leads to believe marriage and kids age you. It's really hard to raise kids. You never really feel like your doing it right. Someone is always doing it better. I wish I knew how to raise those perfect peeps.





Anywho, The people I live with started back to school this week. Now don't you think I didn't do a happy dance as they walked into those school doors! My happy dance is short lived. The beginning of school for me means two kids in football and one in soccer.....not to mention homework! Now homework for me is a killer. I truly don't believe I could go on that show.....Are you smarter than a 5th grader. I'm here to tell you I'm not! I have to google crap to help them. Not to mention all the frickin practices I drive them to and from. Driving with these people makes my blood pressure rise for sure. I am the boosters club photographer for the middle school. This kind of makes my head spin. If I don't get great shots these parents will be on me me like flies on shit. Mind you this is a volunteer job.

Matching outfits????? Really??? There is an eight year difference here!

While in Chicago this summer I wrote a blog post about my sister...aka...Twisty and me through the years. I mentioned in the post how my Mom...aka...positive Patty used to dress us as if we were twins. This would have been adorable if there wasn't an eight year difference between the two of us. I don't even know how she found matching outfits for us having that big of a gap. Oh, but she did! Thank you, Lord and Taylor, not to mention Marshall Fields. You ruined my life! When I complained to her about this her response was....I only did that when you were really young and only a few times. BULLSHIT, I'm here to say. So the picture you see above would most likely be Easter. My guess is Kelly is three which makes me eleven. This was probably taken right before church. Growing up Irish Catholic and going to Catholic school meant you would run into all your classmates in church. How do you think I felt walking in there with a matching outfit to my three year old sister??? Not even mentioning the matching hats. Stupid, ridiculous, dorky, embarrassed, humiliated are just a few words that come to mind. If they were going for....A boy will never like me because I'm dressed like a dork, they did their job!

In this picture we are attending my Uncles wedding. You can tell by the length of my hair that is at least a year later. That is Twisty and I on the left. The two behind us are our TWIN cousins. Notice they do not have matching outfits on. The two on the right are our other cousins who are sisters with I think five years between them. Notice no matching outfits. She not only made us match but she made us match for multiple occasions in the same dress. We wore these matching outfits till they were to small for us. I could just here her saying...I paid a lot for these outfits...we need to get our use out of them.

Yes, same outfit once again! This time we are attending my cousins christening. You can tell by my face I am less than thrilled. Got to point out my Dad...aka...Grumps rocking orange shirt. I bet she dressed him too. At least I don't have the God awful hat like Twisty.

This was my all time most hated matching outfit. Not only am I matching my much younger sister but positive Patty found my ten year younger brother a matching outfit too. I look happy in the picture but it is all smoke and mirrors I tell you. This velvet very expensive dress haunts me to this day. It's cute on the two little ones but for God sakes not on me. The worst part about this velvet sailor dress is Patty spent a lot of money on it so she wanted to get her use out of it. I will never forget in the forth grade when she made me wear it for picture day. All my friends showed up in their corduroy pants and their valor shirts. Me, I rolled in with my awful Dorothy Hamell haircut, my sailor dress, and my petticoat for picture day. Not to mention the patent leather shoes. This is why the love of my life "Brendan O'Donnell" never looked my way. By the way, I think my Mom still has these outfits.

Not only did Patty find matching dresses but she managed to find matching PJ's! Thank God we did not have to go out in public in these.

Here my guess would be I'm about in the seventh grade matching my much younger sister. Thank you once again Lord and Taylor or Marshall Fields for ruining my youth. My guess would be we are headed to church for all my Catholic school mates to laugh at me matching Twisty.

These were our matching X-mas outfits! For Fucks sake will this ever end??????

More matching PJ's. Wondering if Patty knows our age difference. This might just be child abuse.

Here I am at my confirmation. This is supposed to be my day. You go to church to say that you accept God on your own with all your classmates. Kerry goes matching her much younger sisters dress. Really???? What is Patty thinking???? No wonder boys didn't like me.

And we wear the dress that she wants to get her money worth for many occasions. Damn it if I wasn't a slow grower and had to wear this shit for years. The kicker is that at 19 I still had a matching dress to my 11 year old sister for the church directory I deleted it on accident. I will post it on my next blog. So as far as Patty saying she only did it when we were young......she is sadly mistaken. Now don't get my wrong I love Patty to death. Wouldn't change almost anything besides the matching outfits. She reads this blog. So don't be mad Patty. I'm just poking a little fun at you. If you can't make fun of family who can you make fun of????

Who raised you...REALLY????

So today all three boys had their physicals. They need these in order to play sports and start back to school. On our way there Aidan my worry wort is asking how many shots he is going to need. Me, I really have no idea. Then they all want to know if the doctor is going to check the private parts. This I know will happen. I don't know what is funny about this but they are all laughing. I never remember laughing about doctors checking my privates. I just don't think it would be very pretty under bright fluorescent lighting. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest.

So we get there and we wait and wait and wait. While we are waiting my big kids fight over the two year old toys in the waiting room....even my 13 year old. I can't act like their not mine. I do what every desperate mom does and I start to threaten them. They are truly making me look like an asshole at this point. After sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes they finally call us in. They line all three up to check blood pressure and all that stuff. After that they ask who is first. The boys vote Aidan. The little one always gets the shit end of the stick. So the other two go back out to the waiting room. I give them the famous mom stare that means I will kill you if you miss behave while I'm in here.

So we wait some more for the the doctor to come in. As we are waiting Aidan is asking me 500 questions about what will happen to him in this appointment. He is stressed to the max about shots and the famous penis check. He asks if they are going to check his heart. I say...yes. He asks what happens if his heart doesn't sound right. I say...it will don't you worry. He asks again how many shots he needs. I say once again...I have no idea. Me I'm trying to picture myself on an island in perfect shape with my half dead billionaire. The doctor finally comes in. You can tell she is a new one in this practice. She is really taking her time with him. As she checks him out she asks him a bunch of questions. She asks if anything bothers him. He is looking down twirling his thumbs as if he is an abused child afraid of his mom. He says....what do you mean? She says....Is school good? Do you have any bullies of anything that that bothers you??? Well this is new to me...never heard doctors ask this kind of stuff. He is still looking down twirling his thumbs as if he is an abused child and says he is all good. Next she asks him if he eats right. I feel a little panic at this point. I think he will say if mac and cheese is eating right I'm all good. He says ..yes. At the end she asks if he has any questions. His response....what is eating right?????? Really????? here is my mom of the year moment. She says...do you drink milk, eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day????? He pretty much says...not so much. Now I feel the doctor is totally judging me at this point. She looks over at me to tell me the importance of a healthy diet. She asks Aidan...what are some healthy foods. I cringe once again waiting for Aidan's response. He says...apples. I think take that doctor! She asks him...what food group is apples in. When he responds vegetables I want to die. Hello half dead billionaire....my name is Kerry! Funny thing is after is appointment we go to MC Donald's for some dinner. But damn it we have football and there is no time to cook.

So Cole is next. Cole is a whole nother animal than Aidan. Now Cole always has something to say. For example last night when he told me he loved my wrinkles and pointed everyone out for me. Some I didn't even know I had. This came up when I was watching some of my famous shit TV. Blake told me the girl on millionaire matchmaker looked old. I told him she was a year older than me. Blake said you don't have all the winkles and you don't look fake. That's when Cole chimes in with I love your wrinkles and proceeded to point them all out. Anyway back to the doctor. She pretty much asks Cole all the same questions. Now he looks up to her and speaks clearly and answers right. Ten points for me at this point.


Next it is Blake. I want to excuse myself for this exam since he is pretty grown up. Last year when the doctor did the the penis check I about fell over. For this is my oldest baby...how dare he grow up. I tell her we will all wait outside. She tells me I have to be in here because she can't be in here alone with him. All I can think is.....wow...what this world has come to. So we all sit in here for most of his exam. BIG MISTAKE! As he is about to get the private check I see the doctor look over at Cole. Ya know those writing pads that little kids take on road trips and they draw pictures on???? Here is Cole holding one of these up at the doctor and Blake with a huge penis drawn on it. Hello mom of the year you just got those ten points he earned taken away. Omgosh, want to die about now! So I do the..... you are dead stare at Cole. A few minutes later the Doctor wants to talk about safe sex with Blake. Really????? She asks the two little guys to wait outside for a bit. So they leave the room. I feel my heart start to race. She is talking to us about that Paplomo virus that is common now. Now I know I butchered the spelling on this but REALLY??? SEX??? this is my first born, my baby, I still remember him crinkling his eyebrows when he drank his bottle. Sex REALLY??? He tells her he is not really worried about this yet. Thank God for small favors. She starts to tell him about all the diseases he can get from having sex. I hope she scared the shit out of him! I don't want to end up on that MTV show where the babies have babies.

So on the way home I tell Blake it is very important to me that you tell me before you have sex. I tell him that he will need this shot other wise he might die. I know I'm reaching here but I try to raise my kids in fear. He tells me something I'm not ready to hear. He says...I'm all good till next year because I'm in eight grade and no one is having sex. This makes me happy. This is until he tells me in high school everyone has sex. I really want to pull over and puke right now. I ask....what makes you think this???? He tells me he knows this because his friends with high school siblings are all having sex. Me thinking shit I had sex in high school how do I approach this????? I had sex with a person just because my friends were having sex. It meant nothing and it hurt me in the long run. I don't want my baby to make this same mistake. I tell him that girls are really sensitive in high school. I tell him he should never sleep with someone just to do it. I tell him it is important that you really love someone before you do that because it can have long term effects on the person. Like me for that matter if I become a grandparent before my time! I tell him that he needs to talk to me before this happens so I can guide him right. I tell him I will not judge I will just guide him into the safe way to this. REALLY though???? This is killing me! So these people I live with are killing me at this point!