Tuesday, August 13, 2013

prank callers

So my day is filled with craziness. Blake who is on the football team started "two a days" this week. This is for the birds if your kid doesn't drive. He needs to be at the high school at 6:30 am. Picked up at 9:30am. Back at 1:30 pm and picked up at 3:30. Yes, I just rolled my eyes after I typed this. A "WTF" may have rolled off my tongue too. If he was that kid that might go to college on a football ride I might take this better. But in reality this is not the case!  As I keep writing you will see that this makes me a bit crazy.

I was texting one of my friends who shall name anonymous. We were poking fun at a mutual friend who posts "selfy" pics of herself all day every day on line. Now I get that the kids do this and it is the norm. But this one is like 40 something. Not only that but she post super random thoughts she has as well, weird random thoughts that shouldn't be published, they should stay in her head. I'm feeling a little judgmental now since I have a few "selfy" photos out there. Mine are for laughs though. Maybe I'm the only one laughing though.  Hers are serious ones. I'm also guilty of being a walking, talking, on line advertisement of my life. Drives Hubs mad! So back to my story. We were poking fun -being assholes about this person. I spent my day taking "selfy" pics and sending them to my friend. It's the little things that get me through the day.

Then I headed to Zumba. I just started back after my two month break. Mind you I was in Chicago for almost six of those weeks. Eating, drinking, and being merry! I forgot how much I love this! Puts me in a good mood right away. I came in and there was a few old faces and lots of new ones. There is like this new Zumba gang in there. I used to be the Zumba gang but there's a new gang in town.  I always dance in the very back of the room. I bet you pegged me as a front of the room girl. Since I scream "attention whore". I like the back though. If I was good I would totally be in the front. So the new gang has this girl who happens to dance right in front of me. We are supposed to mirror the instructor. This girl not only does opposite of what the instructor is doing but she also wears this tie on jingle jangle skirt you can tie around your waste there. She totally messed up my Zumba game. I found myself trying to follow the instructor but looking at her and getting really messed up. Those jingle jangles I wanted to strangle her with even though I was in my semi happy place there. You should only wear those if you can rock it in the Zumba class. Half way through I imagined myself removing those jingles from her waste and putting them on one of the front of the class peoples! Yes, summer has done me in! Woe is me and anyone around me at this point!

So after Zumba I headed to my friends daughters volleyball game. After that we head home. I settle in for a little shit TV. As I take another "selfy" pic to send to my friend, a call comes in. It says "BLOCKED". I think...."who can this be????". I pick up and a little voice says...."I can see you and I'm in the closet". Followed by a familiar giggle. I say..."Come out of the closet, it's alright I understand". The voice says...."That's not what I meant by that, I'm under the sofa and I'm about to get you". Followed by a familiar giggle. I say.."Hey Cole, you might just be the worst prank call I ever received". He says..."Awwww Mom, how did you know it was me???". I say...."I'm super smart like that but the giggle coming from your bedroom didn't help". A little more time goes by. Like another episode of housewives. I hear some voices. I go to Cole's bedroom........no ones in there. I follow the voices to the garage. Cole his friend and pig pen are sitting in the boat giggling. Totally prank calling people. I tell them to come in and stop it. Cole says..."No, wait mom I'm really good at this, watch.  I watch him prank call a friend in a strange voice and act like he's a dude from a tattoo parlor. I do have to laugh at his fake voice. I say..."Alright, come in that's enough". He says..."Hey Mom you do one". I say..."No, I can't". He says..."Come on you know you want too". I say..."Alright just one". So I call my friend Ash ready to put on my most creepy voice. It goes to voice mail. They say..."leave a pranky message". So as her message finishes I say in my most pranking voice..."I'm in your house and I can see you". My voice was great.....but they were laughing in the background. Totally ruined my prank call. What I forgot is how damn funny it is to make a prank call. To be a kid again....I would be a rotten for sure if I had a do over.......Final thoughts....summer, summer, summer, time!!!!!!!!! Is anyone else out there ready for that six hour break???? Plus decent bedtime????? Or am I the only asshole who feels  road hard and put away wet???? Not the good way either!!!!!!

Monday, August 5, 2013

Calorie counters are buzz killers!

So I'm a pinteresting fool! I have a love hate relationship with it. It has made building a house depressing. Those great pinterest kitchens are for millionaires. Warning to anyone building or remodeling...stay off this pinterest unless you shit 100 dollar bills.  Pinterest makes you feel bad about your body too. Damn those perfect pinteresting work out barbies. Don't get me started on the clothes, photography, and recipes. Pinterest shit is for over achievers. Which I am not. I like to think of myself as a motivated procrastinator. If I was motivated I could do a whole blog on failing on Pinterest.

I have made some great recipes that I found on there though. Like the other night. I made cheesecake factory's spicy chicken pasta. Hubs who happens to be a buzz killing calorie counter said this was the best thing I ever made! That says a lot since we have been married as long as the dinosaurs were around. Then he says my all time hated thing....."Is this fattening?'. I say..."I don't think so, it's loaded with good stuff like veggies and chicken". "Can't be all that bad". Boy I'm glad I didn't bet the farm on that statement. There is always a computer, iPad, or iPhone with in arms reach at our house! Yes, we are those annoying people who aren't present in our lives.  So I grab the iPad to look up the calories on this amazing melt in your mouth recipe. I "google" spicy chicken pasta from cheesecake factory calories. At least twenty sites come up. I click on the first one. It says...."1750" calories. I start to stop eating this fat ass shit recipe. I click on the next site. Same thing! I bring my plate to the garbage disposal, throw out most of my dinner. Hubs is like..."well, what does it say???". He should have been watching what I was doing which is throwing out more than half my dinner. As I click on ten more that say the same thing. I say...."I can't find anything on it". I put the iPad away as if I have found no info. I say..."Keep eating I'm sure it's not bad". My nose is growing at this point. Now I'm safe cause he doesn't  read this blog anymore. Being an anal perfectionist my grammar drives him insane.

My first clue should have been...."cheesecake factory". My second should have been..."Best thing I ever made". Things that feel good are never good for us! Which by the way pisses me off. I kind of want to complain to God about this. I did send some of this yummy recipe to the perfectly in shape new neighbors. That makes me smile in an evil kind of way. I am just kidding a little I hope you know! They workout and run so they are alright. I sit on my ass a lot and watch shit TV so not so much for me. Which is why mine ended up in disposal. Damn it, it stills makes me mad that everything good is bad....why is that????

Tonight as I write this my super not so fun summer kids are watching "Duck Dynasty" . When does school start?????  Aidan who is all about how to get ahead in life says..."How are these toothless people with beards so rich???". I say "because they came up with a great idea." Cole says...."No it's because they have a funny show". I say...."But they landed that show from their great idea". I say..."Come up with a great idea so you can get me some work done because your shenanigans have aged me". Cole laughs and says.."Mom you look great, you just need to workout a little more". I love this kid. He is my most honest kid...tells it like it is for sure. Even if you don't want to hear it. Guess I need to workout!

So summer is coming to an end! Thank you Jesus.  It's work!  My kids have  tried to out eat one another. They get mad at the other one if they are eating something. Like Cole the other day was eating a Sammy. Aidan was eating two broccoli and cheese things from the freezer. Cole got mad and said...."Why do you need to eat two?". Little pig pen says.."Cause I'm hungry". Cole who is by far full from what he's eating says..."I'm going to eat one of those too, so you don't get all of them". I think....."really, you guys are not even hungry but your trying to eat so the other doesn't get it?". Go back to school, for Gods sake... This just chaps my ass!

Friday, August 2, 2013

We clean up well...but it's downhill from there

I promised to keep this blog upbeat and not full of drunkin sappy crap. So while in Chicago my family and I headed to a wedding. It might end up a little drunky. My neighbor across the street who is all of 30 got married. I used to babysit her but I'm aging myself now. We headed there with Deb and Grumps who happened to be mom and dad. We were all dressed up and perfect like the two girls my parents dreamed about. Prim proper and presentable! Not for long though......

My sister who I love to call Twisty is not a drinker in any sense of the word. But on this night she was all in. We had a few drinks. We watched all the people dance for a while. We sucked our drinks while watching. At one point Kelly went to the bathroom. Leaving me with Deb and Grumps to watch the dance floor. Deb and Grumps are kinda cool to hang with even if they are Debs and Grumps....meaning Debbie Downer and Grumping old guy. Kelly comes back from the bathroom and says something that might have made me pee in pants and advertise it on Facebook. Because that's what we do now right???? Advertise our lives on social media. So she says...."Hey I was in the bathroom, I realized I'm that fat girl that is an easy target at a wedding".  I seriously laughed out loud! Not because I thought she was that girl. My sister is not fat at all.... She is beautiful really and funny. I thought how many guys get both???? I don't think she knows she is not that fat girl.....she is that girl that happens to be the whole package! I don't know who messed her up to think that. I'm the bully big sister that might bitch slap anyone who makes her feel that way!

After that we went down hill on a black slope with no board! We were all into drinking. Ended up on the dance floor. The music was great. Don't think we weren't the girls with our hands over our heads dancing thinking we looked hot. "Do A little dance, make a little love, get down tonight" Went out for air a few times. At one air moment this couple came out. Kelly who normally does not talk to strangers decided to put her foot in her mouth. So the girl happened to be stunning. Kelly kept telling her how beautiful she was. That was all good. She was that girl you stop to look at because she's that pretty. It got ugly when Kelly told her husband he was lucky to have such a beautiful wife because he was not all that and a bag of chips. I did my best to stop her...but she had a mouth of her own.

We went back and danced and danced and danced. Omg...the music...was so good at this wedding. The bride looked amazing which was the word of the night. Before we knew it the night was over.  So we are with my parents at the wedding. So they drove..thank you Jesus. On the way home Kelly and I are in the back seat. We morphed  into two high school giggly girls. Well maybe two drunk girls trying to act sober in front of the parents. At one point Kelly rolled down the window. She hung her head out like a dog. I laughed so hard I might have peed.....May need to see some Dr about that! She said.."I think I'm car sick". I thought is she trying to save face in front of the parents???? I say..."Ummmm. Your drunk...maybe sick". She says...."NOOOO I"MMM cave sickkkkk". Yes I meant to miss spell that cause that's what she sounded like. I laughed, and laughed! We both seem to take some sick pleasure when one looks awful in front of the parents! I guess we're those typical toy R us kids...the ones that never want to grow up.....or maybe peter pan....Where's the fairy dust???? I might love fairy dust! Flying sounds fun....

The next day...My Mom was driving her somewhere with my aunt in the car. She was riding in the back. She text me..."I'm car sick, feel like I'm going to puke". I text back..."That's a hangover, if you got car sick that would happen your whole life". I guess she's an amateur, That's a good thing!