Sunday, October 27, 2013

Random thoughts by Kerry

I haven't had a lot of time to think lately. It's frickin football season for Gods sake. Remember I live in Texas this shit is like a cult. Early mornings, late afternoons, frickin rides to fuck its far ville places! We have been in this football stuff since school let out in June! But it's about to come to a halt in about two weeks! Thank you Jesus this gerbil is about to get off that wheel. . So this blog has been the last thing on my's too bad I don't have a sister wife because there has been so much good blog material....but it's all gone now! It got sucked up on those awful car rides to practices and games with these people I live with! Those car rides just kill my brain cells I'm afraid! I can't remember shit.......I even look for shit that's in my hand....for Gods sake! I'm only hoping that this driving three kids playing sports and going to three different schools gets me a fast pass to heaven.....when I'm 100! God knows I'm going to need it since some UN flattering stuff as flown out of my mouth during this time!

Anyway...I was thinking some random thoughts....I can't really remember after writing that last paragraph. Oh yes....I was Face booking tonight. I came across a great article. It was about if the person only knew certain things in her younger years.....would her life be different! It got me thinking random thoughts! Like for one....Do you ever think your supposed to be something your not???? Well I think that all the time! I'm a legend in my mind in a way. I'm supposed to be Katy Perry...really. I would be such a good Katy. I'm a total firework.....especially when my kids aren't doing what they are supposed to. OMG, last Friday who knows what happened....I mean really...I need to write this shit into songs like her. Hot and cold....please is anyone else going through the change??? Then the is hear me roar....just ask my neighbors about this one, or my kids! I can roar. I would make a great Katy! Plus to have sex with John Mayer singing "your body is a wonderland" in my ear.....yep never thought about that! Always wanted to be a rock star....first, but my dreams were squashed when I couldn't sing worth a shit! Woe is me..damn universe for not listening to my dream!

But really the article said if you knew certain things in your younger years would your life be different? I think for most part anyone out there the answer would be.......absolutely. I mean really can you imagine the possibilities if you knew what you know now in your younger years......You would know a lot of shit! A lot of bullshit that happened to you, you would handle like a rock star! You could be a step ahead on everything. So I sit here thinking random thoughts...I might be able to write a movie if I put effort into this. Like I said...I'm a legend in my own head! So the first thought that comes to mind is.......The first guy that broke my heart. Instead of acting like a crazy school girl with no self esteem, jumping on his car as he left me....OMG I would never do that now! ....I would have told him to fuck right off, because in the big picture he only fucked up every relationship that followed...but he meant nothing, I would say...don't let the door hit ya in the ass....because I know there is something better out there for me.  But in my day I cried carried on and thought the world ended!  How many of y'all wouldn't pay money to have a do over on that first heartbreak?????  I might just have more than one do over in this department. Then there are never really get that saying.....Friends come and go and family is forever. When your young you test this theory. You can't believe it at all. You might trade your family for these friends at times. But ya get older and learn a painful lesson. Now most of us are lucky to have found a few friends that really do have our back. But I have learned in this life that there are those that act like they are friends but they are really not. They frickin talk a lot of shit behind your back! I do have a few friends that I can really count on one hand that I trust....My sis being number one...who would have thought!  I have been really burned by a few.....still in my later years wondering why they did me wrong. I started out super naive....So my random thought many friends that came across your path would you still have????

How many of ya out there would have not slept with someone you slept with???? Oh I can think of one! Or better many of you would HAVE slept with someone you didn't???? Oh I can definitely think of one or two.....jeez! My mind just went in the gutter....literally....

I could go on forever about what I would do if I knew then what I know now! But I went right to boys...LOL The part about brains and learning shit is not interesting but I would do that over too!!!!! So these are my random thoughts...annoying right!!!!

Friday, October 18, 2013

Pranking is good for the soul

 So anyone who is a regular reader knows for a while I was in a pranking war with my former neighbor. She kind of out did me.....I hate to lose! So a few weeks ago I got this call. It was my friend freaking out. There was a snake in her sons room.....a giant live snake. She cried on the phone with me telling me the story. As much as I felt her pain a light bulb was going off the whole time. Evil laugh! I kept thinking this is it! My time to shine. My time to get her back for outdoing my last prank. Now my last prank had to do with a scary show "The River" that I think only her and I were watching. Since it got cancelled the first season. I hung dolls in her four....I thought I was great! Until she hung like 500 in my trees. Not to mention put one under my bed with an alarm that went off at two am. Out did for sure! Then I tried to put a fake deer in her yard after she told me she was afraid of them. It broke into pieces since we had a wind storm before she saw But this time is my time to shine!!!!!! I like to shine if ya know me at all. So when her blood curdled over this eyes lit up! And then the wheels started turning...... and turning and turning! Visions of snakes all over her house was in my head! A lot! So for weeks I plotted! And collected A LOT of snakes!!!!!! I was so excited about it I almost peed my pants several times!!!!!! After collecting 30 something snakes....I was ready to go.

It couldn't have happened anymore perfect. I was at the football game Friday night. She text and says..."We are going to Dallas...can you let the dog out". I text right back..."Of course I can". I mean what are friends for right! I got super excited....visions of the snakes everywhere in her house made me smile! So Saturday I was at work.....Yes, I have a damn job now...woe is me! My friend Staci stopped in. She bought a bunch of snakes from the dollar store. We giggled about it. We were going to a costume party that night. We planned on stopping by to let her dog out and plant the snakes. So Staci came to the house that night. We went to Erin's house armed in snakes. We laughed our asses off putting snakes everywhere. In boots, purses, drawers, her bed, shower, and toilet. Then we headed to the party with a prank buzz! Now Erin was on her way back from Dallas at this point. I was waiting for the call!
 About two hours into the party I get a text.....It says..."We are no longer friends". I text back and say.."What I let LuLu out". She text..."Can't talk I'm wiping urine from the floor from when I held it the last 30 minutes of our trip and ran to the potty, didn't turn the lights and ripped my pants down and was just sitting down as I caught the sight of something glowing in my toilet!!!! Mind you I had already started peeing!!!!! Screaming bloody murder and the rest is history. I was running peeing when Zack comes in to save the day....And then he starts laughing.......Then my poor innocent daughter decides to shower ...we are medicating her now!!!!!!" I text back....evil laughing..."What the heck are you talking about????". She text back..."Kerry, own it claim it be proud you just earned major street credit".
So the next night we went over there for dinner....yes, I still got an invite! When I get there I see most of the snakes in her sink. A few more text had gone back and forth about snake findings since then. So I walked in kind of gloating over my one up ya prank. We laughed about it. We were all sitting out in her back yard when I went to the bathroom. I grabbed some of the snakes from the sink. I walked out casually trying to hold it together with those snakes in my pants. I sat down behind her and started putting those snakes under her chair. Trying to seriously hold back belly laughing. Then I waited for the reaction.........It was better than I thought! She jumped and screamed as if that Halloween Jason guy was after her! Earlier in the night she showed my a purse in a box she got for her up coming Bday! Said she was not opening it again till her bday. Lights went off again. I put a snake in the box. So I got a text a day later about the snake in her bday box.....I text back.."That's what you's not your bday yet and you found that snake!

Anyway...when I left that night she said..."I'm getting you back so bad I had to clear the prank with your husband". She shouldn't have warned me...I'm on the look out now....It better be good! Plus if it's too bad and Hubs knows about I may just have a get out of jail free card for life! Bring it Erin....I'm always going to be one step ahead! Plus real snakes don't scare me...Don't think if she gets me good I won't plant a real friendly one in her bed! Food for thought!

Monday, October 7, 2013

25 years out of HS.....holy shit!

So this weekend was my 10 I mean 25 year high school reunion. Oh my, how time flies! I feel like it's ten. I didn't go:( Too much going on in my kids world which I happen to live in. In fact I have not made one reunion yet. My ten year I had just given birth to the not so charming prince.....who happened to be really charming at that time. But truth be told I was fat at my ten year.....who the hell wants to go to a ten year reunion fat???? I gained 70 pounds with that prince. My twenty year I think I was busy....can't remember.....I think I was skinny again though. So I'm kind of sorry I didn't put myself first this time and go. OMG, the thought of being away from these people for a weekend is bliss.

So I watched all the post and the pics from the 25 year. Looked really fun. I regretted not going right away. Here's the thing though. I moved while in high school. So most of the people in high school had ties before I got there. The kind of ties I had with people I had gone to school with since kinder. I had friends....but it was different. Don't get me wrong I made some really good friends in high school. I don't think anyone should move in high school if they don't have to though. When I started there I was not the cool new girl everyone wanted to meet. I looked like I should have been in the 8th grade even though I was a sophomore. I was all of 90 pounds. No curves no nothing if you get what I'm throwing down. I learned quick that if I was funny people would like me. I eventually made friends. But remember I was there for two and a half short years. I never really dated anyone from my high school.....except John Wesloski. I feel down the stairs while holding his hand once! Epic was over shortly after that!

So I have been thinking a lot about the last 25 years. Ya know, what I've done, learned, and experienced. Now some people love when I get my thinking cap on in this blog. Others love to make fun of me and judge me. It is what it is though. To all you haters out there...I don't care....well maybe a little....I kind of hate when people don't like me. I'm working on that though!

So as much as I hate list here it goes!!!!!

1....I moved out of state to get away from a bad break up....young and dumb. I would never be so crazy now. What was I thinking???????? I mean really!!! At the time I was thinking I was going to make a huge a statement to the guy who did me wrong. Not thinking about how it would effect anyone else. My parents hated it! My plan was to go for a while and not stay forever. But then I met hubs.....a few months later. 17 years of marriage and three boys later I'm still gone. It's not been an easy road. There are times I would give his left nut to go back home. But I've made the best of it for the most part. I really like where we live now....most of the time. Even if this town is small and keeps getting smaller when your kids enter HS!

2...I have learned that family is forever and friends come and go. Now when I was in HS I thought friends were forever. I'm now trying to school my high school kid on this.  I liked my friends  way more than my family in high school. Young and dumb for sure. What you learn along the way is your family is stuck with you.  And even if your from a family like mine. You talk shit about each other but you always have each others back in the end. If I was shitting 100's out my ass I would live half and half. Half my time in Chicago and half my time here. Damn it that "ask the universe" shit doesn't work.

3....I have learned that while I was in bed as a kid imagining my perfect husband and perfect kids.......That's a frickin fairy tail. Nothing in life is perfect. As much as I try to tell myself I'm perfect...I'm not. Nor is my family, my marriage,  or anything.....woe is me! It's hard to come to terms with this. What do I think of as perfect???? Lots of things. Being able to be the perfect daughter, perfect wife, mother, and friend. I'm a work in progress....for sure! God help me.

4....I have had money and not had money. Is there a difference???? Um hell yes! It's much easier to have money. Don't let those people tell you different! People that say money doesn't buy happiness are just trying to make themselves feel better. Money buys great boots and boots make me smile big!

5....I have worked and stayed of both worlds???? Not so much! When I worked I was happier. Now when I worked I always bitched about those stay at home moms...Jealous for sure. Then I became one! Overrated for me comes to mind. Too much time to think. I know there are those Moms who love it.....they make me feel bad for sure!  Staying home can actually drive you nuts. Just ask my therapist....oh wait I need one. No time with adult interaction except to put out is for the birds! My God...for a while I stood in the driveway waiting for neighbors to come home!!! So I could talk to an adult!

6.....I birthed three boys.......always wanted girls but wouldn't change a thing now. Ask me this same question when I have no one to hang with in my later years.

7.....I learned I love writing and photography. I wish I knew this when I was in school. I would probably be better at both!

8....I learned beer is good, people are crazy, and God is great! Thank you Billy.....for making that clear! I totally could have wrote that song.

9.....I learned that my Grandma was the one person I would miss the most in life. I hate that she is gone. I miss her every day. I wish I would be able to tell her how much I miss her! I hate that her house is being renovated for another family to move into! This was my place! My memories. My safe place..Alrighty now I sound like a crazy loon!

10...OMG, I'm only on ten....don't know if I can hit 25! So ten is I've been slightly over weight and almost too skinny in my time! I like slightly too skinny.

11...I finally get that a man just sees a naked girl. He is not looking at a dimple, or a fat pocket, he just sees naked....So we all need to stop stressing about it. I would much rather be naked in front of a man than a women. Women would point out all the imperfections. It only took me 40 years to figure this out.  The nice thing about being a little fat...I have curves! Plus I look perfect naked....blaaaa haaa haaaa.....

12....I think everyone should have a dog or some kind of pet! They get you through the bad! I have the best dog in the world....Don't know what I would do without him.

13....I think everyone should have a best friend..the person you can tell anything to. The one who doesn't judge or tell other people. I have one thank God. It's my sister!  I don't know what I'd do without her! She is my go to person. I hope everyone had someone like her! Now in high school I would have bet the farm that these words never came out of my mouth. She was a huge pain in my ass when we were young! Plus she was the biggest snitch.

14.....I have lived in two places since High school. Dallas and Austin. Austin is my favorite. And I have owned five houses. I never imagined I would be building my dream house someday....feeling blessed!

15....If I could figure out a way to get paid to watch shit TV I would be a billionaire.

16.....I have been on several vacations. Skiing is my least favorite! Both times I peed my pants from laughing so hard. The beach is my favorite. I'm a lazy bitch.

17.....I finally get that mama knows best.....even if I have fought this truth for years! I find myself saying the same annoying in one ear out the other shit my parents used to say. I even annoy myself.

18....I have done more laundry and cleaning than I care to talk about! I'd like a polish wife!

19...I have spent the last 12 years watching my kids play sports almost every weekend. I'm like a gerbil in a wheel.

20....I have learned being a Mom is by far the hardest thing I ever done. My kids are all going to need therapy.

21....I have watched one of my children turn into a man in a blink! That's some scary shit.

22....I stay up too late and sleep too late......

23....I can't diet worth a shit....I have zero will power!

24...I find "Selfy" pictures super entertaining....

25....Thank God this list is over......The biggest thing I have learned is I wish my name was LuLu and I lived in an apartment downtown by myself.......Kidding....kind of! I have learned that when you become a Mom you finally understand what unconditional love is. Now my teenager test this theory all the time. He can be a total shit bird! I sometimes fantasize about him with shitty teenagers when he's a Dad! Makes me smile! Not proof reading....I'm a lazy bitch! Sorry for any mistakes!