Hours away from turning 43 and my head is spinning

I'm just a few hours away from turning 43. It's hard for me to believe since I feel like I'm 25. Well I have the maturity of a 25 year old but I may feel 100 and look my age...damn it. I swear people used to think I was way younger then I had kids. I'm a person who likes to reflect. So I'm sitting here thinking about what was going on in my life ten years ago. I think back to 33. At this time when I was 33. I was two weeks away from giving birth to my last born. Fat as shit and uncomfortable as hell. What I remember is that was not planned but at this point I was really excited to meet this new kid. I was of course ready to get him the hell out too. Bitching all the way because I told myself that God wanted me to have a girl and it was yet another boy. At that time not realizing that someday I would miss being pregnant....Kind of! What I miss about being pregnant is the excitement and the first time you feel butterflies and you realize it is your baby. I would miss laying down at night and seeing my stomach doing very odd things. I would miss knowing I was the one cooking them to perfection. Never thinking I would never in my lifetime feel that again. I would also never feel heartburn and ass grapes again.

I also remember that my oldest would start kindergarten shortly after my last was born. It's funny because when they are little time goes very slow. You feel like they are never going to go to kinder. You dream about the day you can stop paying for child care and can sit back and relax at a pool without chasing behind them. Go to the store by yourself. I will never forget when I went to the kinder orientation, the lady giving it said before you know it they will be adults. I called bullshit in my head. I She was right.  Ten years ago I was at the point were I couldn't relax at all. I had a five year old, a two year old, and a new born. When I brought Aidan...aka..pig pen home, I remember feeling complete. It was like a happy state of mind, a different happy than I had ever felt.  My family was complete. Some people feel pregnancy blues, I felt pregnancy highs. I was so happy the first two weeks....while he slept like a perfect angel. And then all hell broke loose.

He was a crying monster. He wouldn't be happy with anybody but me. He cried so much that I cried just as much. I called my mom and complained about him. She really didn't believe me till I came to visit. Then she told me ...."yep your right this one is hard". Hard is an understatement. If this one had come first he would have been the last. For nine months he was never happy....which made mama super unhappy. Especially since he was more happy with me which was still not happy. I had a two year old which got left behind...I still have big guilt over that. That two year old happened to be the greatest baby ever. So he played alone a lot....I'm paying for it now. He had huge middle child issues.....ya know the kind! "Hey look at me issues".


Looking back I had no idea I would end up in Austin. I was happy where I was. I pictured raising my kids with my friends in Dallas. I had some of the greatest friends I had ever made in Dallas.  Being young and dumb I didn't realize how things could change in a phone call. So hubs got a phone call that changed our lives forever. He had two weeks to get to Austin. This came at a bad time.  So he left shortly after my birthday in Februkerry. I stayed behind to let the kids finish out their school year. I did not want to move. I loved the school and I really loved my friends. I couldn't imagine living away from any of that. Plus hubs whole family lived close and we were really close to them. So I left Dallas kicking and screaming all the way. I swore I would drive back there every weekend.

The kids got busy with sports and I made new friends. We rarely got back to Dallas. We did have visitors every weekend for more than a year. I shit you not. I seriously entertained for two years straight every weekend. I have a guest book to prove it. I loved every minute of that. Years later the guest stop coming. It's sad to me. I miss those people from my past. In a perfect would you would pick all the people you love and move to a street where you all lived happily ever after. That's not how life work though. We still keep in contact with all those great people .Maybe not as much as we should but we see them every time we go to Dallas.


In ten years I have realized marriage is not bliss. Not the 80's movie ending we all dreamed of. Of course that is our generation. I'm still waiting for Hubs to be out my window with a boom box. Our kids generation is screwed. We have catered to them and praised them way too much. If someone isn't kissing their ass they probably won't be happy.  We now have to raise these to perfect angels in a media world to be reasonable, responsible, adults with healthy relationships. This happens to be hard.  There are a few things I need to work on. All that comes to mind is SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT

I had a great weekend at the local dance hall for my Birthday. Lots of my friends helped me celebrate. Now Pig Pen and I are watching last Tuesdays bachelor. He is seriously pissed that Sean got rid of the girl with no arm. Hubs walks by and says..."Is he really that fired up about what's going on on the bachelor?". I say.."Yep". Hub's shakes his head and walks away. The not so charming prince comes down from his dungeon. He wants me to take him shopping for a charm bracelet for Vday. Hub's says..."I once bought a piece of jewelry from Walmart and put it in a Zale's box". I look at him and say..."That doesn't surprise me one bit". I look at Blake and say..."Don't take any girl advice from Dad". And another year flies by..........