Dear Blake,
When you were born I feel like was still a child myself. I was just married to your Dad a year when I got pregnant. I was immature and selfish...maybe a little bit lazy too. I had planned you but really didn't know how I would handle you or what kind of mother I would be. I was 95 pounds when I got pregnant with you. Not an inch of fat on my body. I just laughed out loud when I wrote this because I thought I was fat back then. The scary thing is you weigh more than that right now. I gained 70 pounds with you. Yes, 70! I think your daddy was just a bit scared since he married a very tiny girl. I crazy loved milkshakes while I was pregnant. I got so fat my nostrils looked odd. When I went into labor with your Dad did not think I was in labor. We argued and I was right of course. Always remember your wife is right in these matters no matter what! We don't forget that crap. We drove to hospital and I called my mom first and then your dad's family. My mom wanted to get right on a plane. I told her to wait. Dad's father was so excited that he actually beat us to the hospital. After being in labor, bad labor.....I called my mom to get on a plane. She laughs when we talk about it. I called her and said...."I didn't know how bad this would hurt.....please come fast". Since your other Grandpa worked for the airlines Grandma got right on a plane. Dad's father picked her up and got her to the hospital just in time. Your Dad almost passed out when they gave me an epidural. He was trying to be a trooper but guys just don't handle this stuff that well. Dad's mom was there as well. She was a huge help before my mom got there. I knocked her diamond out of her ring while squeezing her hand during contractions. Granddad walked me up and down a hallway all day. Which seemed to be forever. See everyone couldn't wait for your arrival. You were the first grandchild on both sides and that's a big deal. I too am the first on both sides. I'm here to tell you it has it's benefits. You were the first born and so was I. That has it's benefits and its downfalls. Being the first puts a lot a pressure on you. Anyway when my mom got there I felt a weight come off me, there is something about your mom being there that makes everything better. I know it did for me.
As soon as you were born, I felt a love I had never felt before. You will not understand this till you have your child. I stared at you for hours. I couldn't believe you were mine. You were perfect in every way. You were the very first thing I did that I thought was perfect. All my fears of being too lazy or not being good enough went out the door. I laughed at things you did and faces you made. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life. I took six weeks off of work. My mom stayed with me to help the first two. Thank God for her, she helped me so much. Dad's parents came over all the time along with all my Chicago peeps and dad's siblings. We were all just amazed by you. I had to go back to work shorty after you were born. Believe it or not I was the breadwinner back then. Now you tell me things like dad pays for everything. I'm the one that had the money to buy our first house. It hurts me when you say things like dad has all the money. We are a team, I did a lot back in my day to get us where we are now. I gave up a lot to stay home with you guys now to give you the best life possible. Someday you will get this. I remember being horrified that I had to put you in day care. I wanted to be the only one who took care of you. I just knew no one could take care of you as good as me. Back then it wasn't an option. Thank God you went to day care part time and your Mimi took care of you the other part. I knew she would take better care of you than anyone. I owe her big time for giving up all her weekends to tend to you. Knowing her I know she would not give back those times for anything. It's funny because when I think back to those times I remember picking you up. I would have had a bad day at work and I would look at your face and think God I'm blessed to have you. You used to dance like a crazy person at all family parties. This made me laugh to to point where I would cry. I really loved being your mom and was so proud you were mine.
I will never forget the day you started kindergarten. I waited for this which seemed to be forever. When you went to a two day a week pre-K you used to cry for for me and waited at the window to see me. This broke my heart and I ended up pulling you out. I was in the Kinder thing and the principle told us how fast the years would go. Boy was she right because now you are starting HS and that seems like yesterday. I feel guilty because I was raised Irish catholic and that's how we are. When you started kinder I had a two year old and a new born baby. A new born who was not planned but I do thank God every day for that unplanned baby. I feel I didn't realize how fast it would go. I should have taken all those perfect moments in more.
When I was 36 I got diagnosed with MS. The first thing I did was call my mom because mom's make everything better. My fear was not for me it was for you and your brothers. I didn't want this to take away from your childhood in anyway. I had no time to be sick. I wanted to be the perfect mom for you and your brothers. I googled MS and feared that I could not be the mother you all needed. I felt sorry for myself and did the why me thing. I was a mom. I feel bad because the first year I feel I checked out. I feared everything about this disease. Now I ignore it and hope God will take care of me. I have big faith in God, I hope you do too.
You never really gave me any trouble. You had trouble in school and got diagnosed with dyslexia. This broke my heart, not because you had this just because school would be harder for you and I didn't want that for you. I really want life to be easy for you. But truth be told life is hard. I'm sorry you felt this too early. Your teachers have always told me you are a good kid that tries hard. That is all I ask of you. Just do your best. I'm here to support you. I feel as long as you are a good person everything else will fall in place.
We moved when you were in the forth grade. I was scared, I hoped we were making the right move for you. You went into the move like a rock star. You made friends that you still have today. I'm still amazed by you. When I look at you now I'm shocked by the man you have turned into to. At the same time I worry about you everyday. I want things to be perfect for you. You seem lately to not get me. I have become the enemy. You have made some bad decisions lately. I don't think anything less of you. I too made bad decisions growing up. I just hoped you wouldn't. You now look at me like I have three heads instead of I hung the moon. We seem to fight now more than we get along. I'm here to say I fight because I care about you and want to best for you. I want you to be safe. Recently you broke your jaw in two places doing something stupid. As much as I wanted to ring your neck I wanted to hug it because it could have been worst. I feel you used to listen to me. Now I feel you tell me what I want to hear and do your own thing. I'm your biggest fan who wants nothing but the best for you. When I ground you and take things away it really does hurt me. Another thing you will not get till years later. I just want you to hear me because I was a kid once making bad decisions. I don't want you to feel the heartache of those bad decisions. Just please be a good person because that is most important. Treat people they way you want to be treated and don't do anything you have have to hide from people because you know it is wrong. The biggest thing I want for you is good heath, lots of happinest, and wealth....because that helps. Remember we live in a small town everything gets back to everyone. I love you more than you will ever understand until you have own kid. I just want you to get that no matter what happens in you life I'm your mom and love you! I'm here for you always and forever!
love, your biggest fan....MOM!
Sorry of bad grammar or what not....I'm not really smarter than a 5th grader ask Kelly...aka...twisty!!!
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