The truce is over!

Valentines Day has come and gone once again! Cole was really excited to get a Valentine from Brooke.
He was even more excited to give her the one he picked out for her. Notice I'm not saying anything about my Valentine. That's all I will say! You can fill in the blanks with something juicy or not so juicy.
I swear sometimes these kids make me want to SCREAM! Aidan had to fill out a worksheet this week about where all his family came from. Thursday I headed to a track meet and didn't get home till 9:30. Cole and Aidan were in bed when I got home. All the sudden I feel this little tap at my side. I look down and there stands Aidan with a typical Aidan face. This is a face he makes when he knows he is about to be in trouble. He says in his very soft spoken voice....Mom I need to bring some German food to school. Before I even get the words out of my mouth I think I'm going to kill him if he says tomorrow. Sure as shit he says tomorrow. I say....You can't tell me this kind of stuff at 9:30 the night before. He says.....But you were gone all night. I say....There is no way your teacher told you the day before. I tell him to go bed and that he will have to take a zero on this one. Blake my oldest would not think twice if I told him something like this. He would go back to bed and sleep like a baby. Aidan on the other hand is a perfectionist, an over thinker, and a worry wort. He goes back up to bed. A few minutes goes by and I hear this little crying voice calling Mom from upstairs. I go up and he is pleading with me to please send him with something. I tell him again that he can not pull this crap the night before. I explain that I have to work all day tomorrow which is going to make this impossible to happen. He cries and cries. Guess who feels guilty! That's right me! Even though I know I shouldn't, this is not my fault. So I go back downstairs. A few more minutes goes by, another tap at my side. Mind you this kid is supposed to be asleep by 8:30. We are now at almost ten. He now says....I need a picture! I say...OF WHAT!!!!!!! He says of our relatives that came from Germany, Ireland, or Poland! So what I'm thinking in my head is.......FUCKKKKKK, DO YOU WANT ME TO PULL THIS SHIT OUT OF MY ASS, I DON'T HAVE THAT! So I tell him I would have needed more notice for that too. I would have had to call on Grandma weeks ago for that. I tell him I do have a photo album of pictures from Germany. I lived there till I was almost two. I tell him that will have to do. Aidan is a detail kind of guy. He asks if there are any pictures of people in there that originated from Germany. I say...NO, but it will have to do. He is not happy. I want to say just lie and say one of the German people in the album is your relative that originated from there. I know I can't teach him that even though that would shut him up. I can be all for lazy parenting but I don't want him to think it's alright to lie. My guess is because he is an over thinking stress ball, he is not sleeping right now! He is probably stressing about all this. The sad thing is SO AM I.

Don't be feeling sorry for the little shit! Monday night he came down after he was supposed to be in bed. I got the little tap with the pathetic face. He said....Mom I'm the star of the week. I say....Because it's your birthday this week? He says...Yes, but I need like six pictures of me doing stuff I love. Night before once again after nine. Now I don't know about you but since digital camera's came out I don't have snap shots lying around. Oh yes and the printer isn't working. So I find myself scrambling for pictures of him. I did have a few soccer prints. So I pretty much sent him with three soccer prints from the same day, a thank you card I had made on shutterfly with his picture on it, I took two pictures out of frames, and made this work. Not what I would have done if I HAD ANY NOTICE! Now my Mom and Dad are visiting at this time. My Dad has no tolerance for this but my Mom is always feeling bad for him and trying to solve his self inflicted problems. Just a side note....She never did that for me. It's amazing how they change when they are Grandparents! I would have loved to grow up with this women who makes an excuse for every off the wall thing these kids do.
This week was Cole and Aidan's birthday. I know it's lazy parenting to make them share a cake and a party most years. It is what it is though. If Aidan had been a planned pregnancy I would have not planned on his birthday being the day before Cole's. How does that happen anyway??? Wait don't answer that!
Aidan ends up crying, to tell you the truth I don't even remember about what. I just know I'm trying to get a....."you can cry on your birthday if you want too"....picture. As I'm doing this he starts to laugh.
Mom...aka...positive Patty and Dad...aka...Grumps always come in right between my birthday, Cole, and Aidan's to celebrate. Let me just say I don't really like sharing my month with them but is is my fault for sure. Planned pregnancy comes to mind. What I love is with my Patty and my Grumps comes Garrett and Lou. When I say this it means Garrett's Popcorn and Lou Malnati's pizza. Two of Chicago's famous things. My Dad laughs because I horde these things like a five year old when they bring them. I hide them. I get mad when these people I live with find them and try to eat them. I'm selfish like that. My parents bring them for me because they are my favorites and I want them all to myself! This usually goes over like a fart in church and I have to share.
I can't tell you how many times Grumps says....Kerry, I don't know how you do this! Guess what neither do I! Someday I just hope they will read this and buy me some great convertible.
Seriously?????? These people I live with are driving me crazy. So many times I want to hold up that white flag. I don't I keep going, cleaning behind them, taking them to practices, watching their games, finding their shit, doing their laundry, getting them up, keeping up with their stuff, solving their problems, listening to them fight, watching them make asses out of themselves, and so on and so on!
On Aidan's birthday hub's had a work dinner. I told Aidan we could go out to eat and he could pick the place. BTW, this kid argued hard with me about going to school on his birthday. He found it most unfair that he had to do things like math on his birthday. Even though I kind of agreed I made him go. Anyway Aidan wanted to go to Freddie's steak burger place for his night. As much as I'm trying to lose weight having kids will never allow this. I took him, his friend, and my kids there. We ate like pigs!
Yes, we got desert too! The funny thing is. He said don't tell them it's my birthday. He said he did not want to be embarrassed if they sang to him. In the next sentence he says well maybe you can tell them. A kid after my own heart. He secretly likes to be the center of attention. So we sing and he acts like he hates it smiling the whole time.
With birthdays comes cupcakes for classrooms and on-line shopping. I have a real beef with on-line shopping. These kids today find shit on-line that would have never known existed. This is a thorn in my side for sure. If I had to do it over again I would be an Internet free home. They call me in the office to show me all the shit they find on-line and want me to magically put in my credit card so it will appear on my porch in a few days. Bullshit I say! The sad thing is lazy parenting kicks in at times and I buy the crap to shut them up. The picture above is a present Aidan got from his friend Jett. I always go up before I go to bed to see how much more I love these people when they are asleep. I had to laugh at this. When I looked at it, it reminded me of me. The babies are sleeping soundly and I look like a crazed bug eyed person not being able to sleep. For I'm thinking of all the on line shopping and all the shit that needs to get done! I am that bug eyed freak in his bed.
So finally to my truce is over story. My friend Erin and I who watch "The River" together have been pranking each other on stuff that goes on, on the show. We have planted dolls everywhere you can imagine. She called a truce. But then gave me a scary nun doll for my birthday damn thing is watching me right now. I say the truce isn't over. She calls me Tuesday night to watch the show. On last weeks episode there were these awful leaches crawling on a few of the people. While watching it I felt almost sick to my stomach. I hate bugs more than anything. So I went to a fishing shop this week to buy big fishing leaches to throw in her bed. I go over to her house to watch the show. I have six big rubber leaches in my pocket. I'm just waiting for the right time to excuse myself to use the bathroom and throw the leaches in her bed. So half way through the show I say I need to use the restroom. I really don't but I go in there and flush anyway. Her powder bath is right next to her bedroom. I go to throw those rubber leaches in her bed and I find her son son in there reading. I look at him like a deer in head lights, I throw the leaches and say don't tell your Mom! He gives me a thumbs up. After the show I run home because I fear bugs hitting my face after the show. See I am running! I get a text from her daughter that says....I see what you did! I text back and say don't warn your Mom. She text back alright! I wait for a dramatic freak out from Erin. What I get is a text picture with the leaches in her hand that says....For every worm I found you earned yourself a hanging man. Not the "one upper" reaction I was hoping for! So sorry for miss spelling and bad grammar, after I write I'm too tired to proof read. My Mom hates this. I think she should step up and offer to be my ghost writer!!!!!

FEBRUKERRY is in full swing.

You get to a certain age and your Birthday just isn't as much fun anymore. Especially since the one before it seemed to be a lot less than a year ago! You know what those old people say......Time flies. Damn those old people with their old ass sayings that have a way of ringing true! After 40 your gut seems to be about as big as your butt at least for me. Damn exercise is not getting the job done. I guess you have to eat right and exercise non stop. I seem to have a hard time grasping that. Never met a cheeseburger I didn't like. What I do do is sit around watching late night TV grabbing my gut bitching at it to go away as if it will listen!!!!! I really wanted to skip right over this one as if it had never happened. My friends were having no part of that. So we headed out to Trudy's for dinner.
My friend Robin had the whole table decorated for my birthday. She had bowls of rock candy that said Kerry Rocks. She had bowls of suckers that said 42 sucks. Bowls of blow pops that said 42 blows. Love all her hard work though she could have left off the 42. What if someone in the place thought I was younger!!!!! I kept waiting for the waiter to say....you don't look 42! Never happened! Robin recently quit her job. I think she is spending lots of time on Pinterest. She is turning into Martha Stewart and I loved my table. I got lots of great presents and had a great time.
They dressed my up so everyone would know it was my birthday. I do love to be the center of attention. Unfortunately I think those days are over.
Now if you read this blog you know that my friend Erin and I have been pranking each other. We watch "The River" together and try to recreate stuff that happened on the show. We have both been tormenting each other with dolls. Now let me just say this "one upper" called a truce. Then she goes and gets me a nun doll for my birthday. The truce is over and I have some "one upping" stuff up my sleeve. The nun ended up drunk and pregnant by the end of the night. Please God don't strike my down for having fun with the nun. I grew up Irish catholic and I fear making fun of this kind of stuff.
After Trudy's we headed to the nut for a little karaoke. Now I got there first in all my Birthday gear. The guy pulled me right up on stage to sing "shake that" I shook it all right and most of my friends missed it. Thank goodness for camera phones. They got to see it anyway. Erin who swears she never did karaoke gets right up and sings "Devil went down to Georgia" like a rock star. Not really like someone that had never sang karaoke before. I may be calling bullshit here.
We all had so much fun. The guy keeps calling me up to sing. I think because it was my birthday. The next day I think because I was easy to make fun of. I sang "summer loving" from grease with him. I thought I really nailed it until watching it on someones camera video the next day. It's a sad thing. The one thing in life I have always dreamed about is being able to sing awesome. I can't sing worth a lick. I'm really jealous of Katy Perry. I dream about being her. My songs would have slightly different titles though. They would be more like...I kissed my dog and I liked it, Baby I'm having a fire flash, In another life, I would not be a wife, My California girls are falling, I'm hot and I'm old (not "HOT", really hot), Last Friday night, I took a bath, read a book, and fell asleep, and Waking up wet...not the wet you are thinking! Maybe I need to re write some of her songs! Oh wait my Twisted sister would have a field day with that, never mind!
The later it got the more we all sang! The sad thing is we thought we were good.
Now there is a fifty dollar prize for the best singer. I thought for sure one of us was going home with it. Robin sings the beastie boys word for word! I was impressed. If for nothing else we were entertaining. Remember we are in the middle of Drippin Springs Texas.
I'm up again! This time I look up and there are five guys with their camera phone videos on me. It's kind of scary you know I ended up on their Facebook page. You know they were making fun of me.
So ten minutes before the nut is about to close this tool walks in to sing! He sings and takes off with the fifty dollar prize. I thought that was just a little unfair. We were there all night singing. This one walks in sings one song and takes off with the money. So what if he was way better. I'm practicing next time it's mine! I will be in my bathroom with a hair brush singing Adele and Katy!
In this place the bathroom is outside. I walk out to go. I see the girl that works at the local gas station. She is sitting with some people from the bar at a picnic table smoking. I say hello to her. The people she is with start to laugh and say....omg, you know birthday girl???? She kind of laughs too. It is very obvious that they are making fun of me. It is one of those uncomfortable feelings where I'm standing there trying to be nice and I realize these 25 year olds are laughing in my face. I go on to the bathroom with my tail between my legs. So what if I'm trying to re live my youth on my B-day. So what if I used to make fun of these same kind of people in my twenties. So what if I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and thought WTF.....damn fluorescent lights! Love my friends what a great night fuck those twenty something year olds! Your time will come too. Is it bad that I crazy hate that saying "grow old gracefully". Is it bad to want to feel and look like your young forever? Don't get me wrong, I have still have not done anything to change that. I refuse to look like one of those lion faces with too much work done. There is nothing worst than a 40 or 50 year old getting all that stuff done to try and look 25! Guess what they still look their age and everyone knows it! Bottom line is when it comes down to it my biggest wish is that my kids are happy, healthily, and wealthy. If I can get that nothing else really matters. Sorry for bad writing this is what I do, write and then I'm too tired to proof read. BTW, I work out! Not really but I'm trying like hell. Wouldn't it be nice if we could go to sleep and wake up the person we want to be. I'm now going to bed singing "I work out" hoping to brain wash myself! Kind of ironic that as I'm finishing this post there is an infomercial (spelling???) about insanity workout. Looks awful...just saying!

Who knew I was friending a "one upper"!

So if you are a regular reader on this blog you know I have had lots of fun pranking my neighbor. I was very proud of my shenanigans. That was until she "one upped" me. Who knew I had friended a "one upper". I like to be the "one upper" on these types of things. Anyway Friday night I had attended a Cabi party at a friends house. I got home around 10:30. My neighbor next-door not the Germ but my good neighbor had their daughters in town. We always like to hang out when their here. I headed over there for a beer and my yard was in tact. About one am I headed home. I was looking down at my phone to check something. As I'm walking through my yard something catches my eye. I am in a sea of dolls. Now I did hang three dolls in her tree the other night but for fucks sake there are like forty in my trees. My dolls were not missing body parts and bloodgend (side note I know that's not a real word but I like it) to death. They were just dolls. So for a minute I stand stunned at how many there are and how creepy they are. They all seem to be staring at me. So I run................
Of course the "overachiever" put one hanging from my front door! She knows I have a crazy imagination! What is she thinking.....this is too much. I'm scared to open my door. I have to otherwise I'm stuck in the sea of dolls looking at me. I go in and get on the computer because I'm too scared to go to bed. My overactive imagination is picturing these dolls climbing down from the trees and trying to get in. So I'm chatting on Facebook with my brother and texting with my sister. Guess we are a family of night owls. I start to think what if I look up and one is standing in my kitchen staring at me. This point I'm going off the deep end with my overactive imagination. It sounds crazy but I always freak myself out like a damn child. I embarrassed to even write about it I sound crazy. Thank you Erin....aka....The one upper, friend!
So morning comes and I did dream about dolls! Thank you again "one upper" friend. I'm supposed to be the only evil genius. I go out and the dolls are still freaky but not as scary in the daylight. I'm not picturing them trying to get me anymore. I'm cutting them out of the trees in my pj's. The two houses across the street are for sale. Of course there is someone looking at them. They get out of the car and stare. There I stand in my pj's which are not even cute cutting bloody dolls out of my trees. So I have wave and smile. I think about yelling....It's my B-day and this was a joke someone played on me. But I would sound crazy for sure. Who would hang bloody dolls in a tree for someones B-day. Then I think maybe I should walk over and ask them if they watch "The River". I would explain that this is a friends prank over that show. I know they would just think I was nutty plus I'm still in my pj's and it's noon. My guess is they won't be buying either one of those houses. They are priced high and we kind of look a little trailer right now.
I must say while cleaning all this up I'm impressed by this evil geniuses work. I will only say that once!
I can't imagine where she got all these dolls. Weird ones too! It really does look like the forest of dolls in the show "The River". I'm just waiting for a dragon fly to appear and try to get in my mouth.
Weird right???? Where do you even get one of these blue dolls. Who buys this shit, better yet what stoner is making these.

This one is particularly strange. It is a monkey with a barbie doll leg!
I think this "one upper" was laughing her ass off while plotting against me. I could just see the evil genius laughing her ass off. I would have loved to catch her in the act. She thought I was home in bed. How great would it have been if I walked up on her and scared her.
After I get them all cleaned up I line them up on my stairs. I want to see how far off the deep end she really is. I think she jumped off the ledge.
I call her to get the story. She tells me how her husband ran around all day picking up dolls from Craig's list. If this isn't the sign of an overachiever I don't know what is. While on the phone she asks if I saw the angel doll. I say...Um yes, creepy! She then tells me that is her blood on that one. She accidentally cut her finger while trying to "one up" me. She let the blood drip on this doll. Hello padded cell...My name is Erin...aka the "one upper".
This crazy one is on roller skates. Don't think I didn't picture this one skating in my house to stab me. Hello padded cell my name is Kerry...aka...the former evil genius.
Here is the very best part of this prank. I'm very jealous by the way. At two am I hear an alarm clock going off in my house. I look around and find a box. Because it is my B-day I think maybe Hub's has gotten clever with a great gift. I think it's that camera lens I want!!!! Not so much! There is a scary crazy doll in the box. Hello no sleep....my name is Kerry! Who does this??? Oh yes, my evil genius, one upper, overachieving friend! After talking to her the next day I find out this was her Hub's childhood doll. REALLY?????? That doll is down right scary! It's like a tiger with a crazy scary face. It has a little scary green overall on. I can't help but wonder if he slept with this. Holy crap if someone gave me this as a child I would have run screaming!
The next day Ziggy makes friends with this crazy scary doll. He lays with it most of the day. I think he should eat it but we have to give it back. Through text she is urging me to agree to a truce. I agree but I'm rethinking that. I don't know if I can stand to be "one upped". Sorry for miss spelling, bad grammar, and run-on sentences. I have never claimed to be a good writer. More to come for sure!

Let the pranking continue

Once I get pranking I have a hard time stopping! Last night I hung dolls on my neighbors tree to scare her. This evil genius plan of mine was inspired after watching "The River" with her. Last night I was at the mall Valentine shopping. Not for Hub's but with my kids for their girlfriends. My youngest doesn't have a girl he likes. So he is poking around in one of those calender slash toy stores at the mall. The store is closing down so everything is on sale. He wants to get a little something. I let him pick out a small thing. While at the check out these little miniature babies catch my eyes. My evil genius light bulb goes off and my mind starts a rolling! I start to laugh out loud as I'm paying. The lady looks at me kind of strange. She is probably thinking what a wacko I am. I say wait I need to get these miniature babies .....still laughing. She is like.....Alright in a strange voice. Still most likely thinking I'm a wacko.

I plan on sneaking into my friends house while she is at work. I'm going to plant these little babies all over. Now in the show "The River" the dolls shake at night. I wish I could find a shaking doll. On my lunch break I go home eat and then I let myself into my friends house. I'm giggling the whole time. I get her spare key and it's having a hard time going in the door. Now I'm thinking....NO please this key has got to work. So I'm wiggling it around trying to get it in. Now I'm thinking....Shit what if this key breaks in her door. This will end up being a very expensive prank. I finally get it in and open the door. I will worry about trying to get it out later. I have pranking to do. The dog meets me at the door. Thank goodness she likes me. I start to look around trying to decide where these babies are going still giggling. I can't control myself, I'm just so proud of my idea.

I'm trying to think of places that these babies will take her by surprise. The first baby goes in the fridge. That is the first place I usually go when I get home. I just wish there was a camera in there so I could see her face.
She might just be a bigger TV junkie then me. So next I place one under the controller. I'm laughing thinking about her sitting down with her homemade popcorn. She will grab the controller and she will feel that little baby under it. I bet she screams! HaHa
I often find her reading when I come over to bug her. The next logical spot is by her reading material. At this point I'm laughing cause I could just hear her say....Damn it Kerry!
Don't know how long it will take her to find this one. I sealed it back up. I bet she jumps when she sees it though.
I figure when she goes for a glass this one will be looking at her. I wish I had a recorder that would go off when she opened the cabinet. It would totally have a baby crying on it! Now I would love to see her reaction to that. I might even pay money to see that!
Coffee anyone????? Would you like a little milk in that?????
I placed one in the powder bath.
One sits waiting for her by on her nightstand.
There will be a scream when she opens her makeup drawer. Thinking glad were good friends otherwise I wouldn't feel comfortable breaking in and going in her drawers.
Be careful in the shower you never know who could be watching a baby perhaps! After I place the last of my babies I find myself being stared down by her scale. I can't take it so I get on it. I have been running and working out like a dog lately. I was on her scale three weeks ago when I started this workout plan. I almost passed out when I saw the number I hate scales! This is why I don't have them. I do have a jacket and boots on. How much can they weigh right???? I decide I need to take my coat and boots off. So here I am standing in the house I broke into about to strip off my boots and coat. As I'm standing back on the scale I wonder what her husband would say if he came home early and found me in his bathroom with my boots off on his scale. He would probably think that was scarier than the babies. So I'm kind of mad because I have not shed one pound yet. I do find since I started working out I eat way more. It's like I'm starving. It's a vicious circle I tell ya!
As I'm getting ready to leave I remember I saw some scary looking dolls upstairs one time. I decide to go up and get a few. Right before I come to the closet I think what if their eyes open and close in front of me. My overactive imagination starts running. I think that is ridiculous. So I find them and they are very scary looking. I grab two. I run down the stairs with them picturing the three I left behind chasing me.
I put the first one in the front door window looking out. It is very creepy and is starting to creep me out. As I'm going to place the other one I think......What if I come back and this one is gone. I can't believe my mind can still take me back to a scared child with a crazy imagination. What is wrong with me. I don't believe normal people freak themselves out this way.
I hide the other one under her covers. I bet this one will get a scream for sure! I can't wait to hear about her reaction to all this.
I'm leaving and that doll looks creepy looking out the window. Kind of gives me a chill. I'm having a hard time getting the key out of the door. She needs a new key for sure. Now I'm thinking please God I know I'm being bad but let this key out! It finally wiggles free. I drive back to work laughing all the way. I love stuff like this. Remember that show "Scare Tactics"???? That was some of the funniest stuff I ever saw. I would be so good as a creative director for a show like that. I have really great ideas to scare her more but I don't have the money to put into them. I would get shaking babies and pin them to all her trees in the back yard. Right at dusk they would start shaking, their eyes would open and close, and they would cry! I would also set dragon flies free in her house. In the show "The River" there is a scene where a dragon fly flies into someone's mouth and possesses them. Evil laugh!

All the sudden a bad thought pops in my head. She works till six and her daughter has track but her son will beat them all home. I don't want to scare him. I try to text her daughter for his phone number so I can warn him. Nothing! I finally get my kid on the bus. I ask if her son is on the bus. He says yes. I tell him I need to talk to him. I tell him about the dolls so he does not freak out when he goes home. He is kind of like alright whatever. I guess boys do not get worked up over dolls like us! Plus he didn't watch "The River" with us.

I have a sick feeling that she is going to try to get me back. So I get home from work waiting to get a text from her. I get the first text from her daughter. She tells me her mom is freaking finding little babies everywhere. I kind of love it! Now I'm getting text from her with pictures of the babies every time she finds one! Kind of love it. I love a good prank for sure! I know she is the type that is not going to let this slide. I see creepy babies in my future for sure! I got my game face on, so ready for a creepy baby! Now a live dragon fly might just send me running! I have to laugh cause my Twisted sister thinks I can be funny but she also thinks I ride the train too long. I might be riding this train too long!

So back to Valentine's day. My oldest talks me into buying his girlfriend a piece of real jewelry. I'm not even spending this kind of money Hubs. I know right now you are thinking I'm crazy! I know that...Hello padded cell my name is Kerry! My reasoning behind this is....Number one he is in eight grade and he has held a candle for this girl since the sixth grade. Number two is I took pics a basketball game for a friend the other day. The two of them were there. Their smiles were the kinds that were ear to ear when they talked to each other. I remember that feeling before you are paying bills, raising kids, and in the cluster fuck of life. Three he was so excited. More excited than I have seen him be about anything lately and I don't want to break that. Four is..... It is sad but I think this holiday is more exciting for these kids in puppy love. It's sad that we as adults give up on this stuff. We say it's no big deal we don't need anything. But how great would it be to get something special, a surprise. Why is it that we get lazy the longer we are together. We give up and I believe that is whole heartily the reason there is so much divorce out there. We get comfortable and put no effort into our relationships. I'm at fault too.

My middle one has loved the same girl since the first grade. He is in 5th grade now. He still holds a candle for her even though she has a boyfriend. While we are out shopping he wants to pick out something for her. As we are picking out stuffed animals and he is very into it. He wants to pick out the perfect one. I say....why she doesn't even like you like that. He says...Mom someday she will and she will remember all this stuff I did for her. This is one point in my life where I think I may have done something right. I love the fact that he is not giving up. He will be a keeper for sure!