Jump, Jump!

OmeGosh, Where do I start??? I'm so behind on this blog I don't even remember half the shit that has happened! Cole's basketball team went to the playoffs. They played six games on a Saturday. They ended up coming in second. As excited as I was that the team had come so far, I was not that excited about sitting through six games from 8am-6pm on a Saturday. Right now it feels like time I will never get back. I bet in a few years it will feel like time I wish I could get back.
Erin......aka... "the one upper" won't give it a rest. I get home from the long day at basketball. I walk back to my bathroom and this scares the shit out of me!!!!! Now we are watching "the River" together and we keep trying to prank each other with shit that goes on, on the show. At first I thought we had finally done Hub's in! He couldn't take it anymore! Poor soul hung himself in the shower. He did just come out of the bedroom last night complaining about all the shit I do that drives him crazy!!!!!! I was quietly watching my shit TV minding my own business when he came out of the bedroom and said I have a few request. I paused the TV because I know damn well his request will go into great detail. First he said....Can you stop leaving toothpicks around. I use these to separate my lashes. I say....Um what's the big deal???? He says...I just stepped on one and it stabbed my foot!!! I can't help but laugh. This irritates him more. He looks at me and says....REALLY! Next he says....all the oily shit you put on your face at night is all over everything.......the toilet, the sink. the drawer handles, the door, and so on. I say but it makes my skin soft. He roles his eyes! His last request is that I clean up all the "Kerry corners" in the house. He likes things put together says everything has a place and it should be in it!!! I feel everyone needs corners to put the shit that doesn't truly have a place somewhere! We are polar opposites for sure but somehow we make it work. We are kind of like that odd couple. I would be the sloppy one. I would be just fine laying around for days without a shower in my PJ's watching shit TV. That kind of stuff drives him batty. He showers after a shit sometimes. Needless to say it was not Hub's hanging in the shower. He would never be dressed like that anyway!
My neighbor Erin calls wanting her Dummy back. I say....You'll get it back alright but not tonight! A few days later she calls me to take a chicken out of her oven. I go down to her house dummy in hand giggling all the way. I'm going to get her back! I look around for the perfect place to place him. I think long and hard. I thought hanging him outside her back door is perfect. I could just see her getting home to let the dog out. She will open the door and scream bloody murder. The whole time I'm hanging this I'm laughing out loud.
The crazy German's house is in between mine and hers. As I'm hanging this dummy I feel like someone is watching me. I look over and there in the window is the Germ and his wife. They are taking pictures of me. I take a picture of them and wave! I can just imagine what kind of shit they are talking about me. So I go home and I wait for Erin's dramatic call telling me I scared the shit out of her. Some time goes by and nothing! I can't stand it so I call her to make some small talk. I keep waiting for her to say something. Finally she says something! It was not the scary story I had imagined in my head. She said when she was driving home she came in from the back way so she saw it hanging in the yard from the street! Damn it...I thought I placed it perfect! I was "one upped" again.
After basketball season we roll right into track. This means getting Blake to school way too early in the Am. He is having another great pole vaulting season. He keeps coming in second in the meets. He can't beat some darn Lake Travis kid. I'd really like to see him come in first for district. It's sad and I hate to admit it but I always hope that LT kid doesn't make it over! Bad I know, I can't help myself!
We also roll right into Baseball season for Aidan. This is actually his first time playing. He usually does soccer. He seems to a natural at this! Me personally find this sport extremely boring. Especially at this age. It is the first year for kid pitch. The kids haven't exactly mastered pitching. This just means that most batters end up walking after so many bad pitches. It's going to be a long season. I was never the girl that loved to watch sports. I only pretended to enjoy sports when trying to land a dude. Who would have thought I would spend 80 percent of my life watching sports. I'm supposed to be at American Doll buying over priced dolls that look like my daughter. I'm supposed to be watching dance recitals. Buying pink shit and decorating fun girls rooms. Funny thing is I wouldn't change a thing now.
Hello padded cell my name is Kerry! I had yet another kids Bday party after I said never again. I put it off again hoping Cole and Aidan would forget about a party. No such luck! So we head out to a trampoline place with 13 kids. When I first get there I think damn this is a money making machine. I should so open one of these in Drippin. I'm having a great time jumping around with the kids! That is until 15 minutes into our two hours of HELL party something goes terribly wrong. Blake being his jackass teenager self decided to show off! I know your shocked right??? He starts to do these crazy flips. Then another jack ass teenager that is not with us out flips him. Blake is having none of that! He has to "one up" the kid! I have no idea where he gets this. He one ups him alright!!!!!! He does about three flips. One the last flip he hits the wall and his knee hits his face so hard I can hear it! I don't realize how hurt he is at first. So I get the camera out and start taking pictures. Mom of the year here! I knew he was bleeding but all of the sudden he is really bleeding.
I'm standing there like a deer in headlights frozen. I don't do well with this kind of stuff. He looks up at me and he is white as a ghost, his eyes look odd and blood is everywhere. I scan the room for Hub's starting to feel sick to my stomach. I'm feeling very light headed at this time. I spot Hub's and start to yell for him. I'm getting sicker by the minute. Feeling like I'm going to lose my cookies I head outside for air. Hub's has to help him up to get him to the bathroom because he is about to pass out! I'm in a total full blown panic attack. I go outside and call my Twisted sister to keep my mind off of this. I walk back in and they are still in the bathroom. I pace around the place waiting for them to come out. The carpet in this place is enough to make me think I'm tripping on acid. When they finally come out Hub's says...I think his nose may be broke and he chipped his tooth. This party just got way more expensive. I still can't kick the feeling that my cookies are coming! Now any good parent would leave the party and take the kid to the ER! Not this mom of the year! I just paid way too much to walk into this place. We are getting our two hours worth. So I tell Blake to sit down relax and we will see if his eyes turn black. That is a sure sign that it is broke.
Of course bad Karma comes knocking at my door! This is when Cole lands wrong and thinks he snapped his neck. This place is a lawyers play ground. I will never be opening something like this. So Cole is most dramatically crying and saying....I heard my neck snap...I'M HURT, I'M HURT, I'M HURT! If he said that once he said it five hundred times. I panic again like a deer in headlights. I run to get Hub's! God forbid if I'm ever alone in an emergency. I just freeze in these situations I'm good for nothing! Hub's gets him up and assures him that he did not snap his neck he only popped it. I go to look for Aidan and his friends.
Talk about a "WTF" moment! I find Aidan in the dodge ball pit! See in the picture the little guy dressed in white all by himself on the one side of the dodge ball pit. That is where I found Aidan. Last man standing with about seven teenagers ready to belt his ass with a ball. I watch for a minute as all these teenagers are about to take him out. I'm thinking damn, three strikes and I'm out! They all try to hit him. They don't get him and he starts antagonizing them. When they don't get him he shows them his guns!!!!! Are you kidding me kid your asking to get it! He finally gets it! He comes out as if nothing happened even though he just got belted with multiple balls. At the point I'm ready to get the F@#$ out of this nightmare.
We figured out that Blake's nose was not broken but his tooth was chipped. Good thing we stayed for two hours of pure HELL. This is me when were leaving saying...Hell yeah jumping for pure joy!!!!!!! That song "looks like we made it" is playing in my head. If I have said it once I have said it every year, kids birthday parties are overrated!!!!!!! To all you new moms out there don't do bday parties ever.....they will haunt you forever! Give them cash and pay their little asses off!

So I have been working out, really working out for weeks now! I haven't lost one damn pound. It's bullshit! I was up late watching Dr Oz, he said after 40 you have to work out four days a week just to maintain your fat ass self as you are! I can remember thinking I was fat at 110 pounds....all I can think now is you dumb Fing ass! Are you dry humping me?????? I was the girl who never gained a pound no matter what crap I put in my body! I don't like this 40 crap! Life begins at 40??? Really??? I don't want to eat right an exercise non stop. Here's the thing....when you used to be that girl that could do what you wanted without working out it comes as a shock to you that cheeseburgers really do end up on your ass. When I work out I'm starving after. For all you old asses out there I end up like "Mango" from Saturday night live eating shit like a crazy person on the table. Ya know people take pleasure in talking about you when you are finally fat. My damn muffin top now has a roll on top of it! The only nice thing is I have a great rack, sad thing is that will go if I lose this weight. I could only wish it was just a muffin top now. Who knew I would miss just a muffin. This is why we should age in reverse. When my Mom was here a few weeks ago I told her what I weighed. She didn't believe me and had me get on a scale. I was on the phone with her and she tells me she told my Aunt what I weighed. My Aunt didn't believe it. She told her I saw she get on a scale. Later I was thinking she was totally shit talking my weight. I'm getting this off!

I went away for a girls weekend this past week. I do not blog about those! When I got back Aidan said...I'm so glad your back! I said...Why?? He said I worry about you when your gone. I say...Why would you worry?? He says... I worry something will happen and you won't come back. I tell him don't worry I will always come back unless I meet that half dead billionaire I asked the Universe for! Totally kidding!!!!! I'm sad that my baby is such a worry wort! So sorry for bad spelling, bad grammar, bad writing and so on! I'm too lazy to proof read! I takes a lot to write these! BTW, the house was a mess when I got home! What would these people I live with do without me???????