They eventually leave.

Did I ever think the years would go so fast.....umm not so much. Could I imagine I would miss feeling like I could pull every hair out of my head. Or miss the fighting or the missing shoes. The driving around to school and 100 million practices and games. The grocery store nightmare trips. The endless hours of homework. Trying to google crap because I am no longer smarter than a fifth grader. Feeling like a gerbil caught in an endless wheel. Miss Christmas morning and scrambling to put the toys together. Taking care of all their needs. Putting out their clothes, backpacks, lunches, and making sure everything was ready to go. Running crap up to school because they forgot something. The endless carpool line. Picking up 100 things off the floor. Tripping over toys. The toys go away some day. It's a sad day we don't remember. The endless sleepovers that kept you up all dang night. Solving their problems and helping them grow up. The mistakes they make. Dirty clothes and endless laundry. Being needed so much for everything that you lose yourself for a while. Finding them in my bed because they had a bad dream. Going to all their games and more and more games. Gosh I'm going to miss those games. Helping with all their school parties. Trying to bring the best things for those parties. Parent teacher meetings. Talent shows, so much that it made your head spin at times. The times your are so proud and the times you want to bury your head in sand. Your so tired and worn out not enjoying these things as much as you should.  Well I'm here to tell you I miss every single bit of it. The good the bad and the evil.

I find myself wondering when was the last time I was able to carry them to bed before they got to heavy. There was a last time for that and I wish I remembered when it was. Because there becomes a time where you have those last moments with your children. The sad thing is you won't remember that day. You won't realize it's that day. You will not hold them just a little tighter because you don't know its the last time. I don't remember the last bath I gave them either. I dreaded bath time. I was tired the last thing I wanted to do was help them bathe. I probably didn't even bathe myself somedays. What you don't think about when your in the gerbil wheel is they eventually leave and it comes faster than you will ever imagine. When they do you feel lost. You want all those moments back again. As hard as it all was you miss them and those days. You miss the day that your child no longer looked like a child. You don't even remember the day that changed either. But there will come a day when the babyface and the baby fat is long gone forever. Even though it is happening before your eyes you can not pin point that day. All the sudden their voices change and they are way bigger than you. You don't recognize them. you can not believe it either.

I find as much as I'm so sad this part of my life is forever over I'm wondering what is my place in life now. You are sad they are gone and you in this time in your life is gone too. I have forever been a Mom.  At every game and every school event. What will I do with myself??? I do have my baby for two more years. My un planned baby as I call him. My little blessing.  So thankful I got him. Couldn't ask for a better kid.  Even if I was sure he was my girl. Never got that girl....and I'm such a girl mom. Can''t believe I got three boys! I'm a girly girl...I needed a girl. Better get a granddaughter.
I crazy love my boys even if everyone of them was my girl before I knew.  But as I know now the days are numbered. It will be gone in a blink of an eye. These boys who called my name 1000 times a day are grown up now. I used to yell and I mean yell if I hear MOMMMMMMMY one more time I may scratch my eyeballs out! But the Mommmmmy eventually stops. Then it goes to MOM! Another thing  you don't remember when you went from Mommy to Mom. They stop calling you Mommy someday too. Unless you are my friend Ashley who still calls her Mom Mommy. I love that BTW! What I would give to look at those baby faces calling me Mommy again. I miss those days so much. More than they get....only other Mom's get this.

Again when your kids leave you struggle with it. Struggle with what your supposed to do now. It's all you know at this point. Its hard to let go. Even if their rooms are a mess and they are testing everything in you as teenagers. Paying for your raising comes to mind. They think they know more than you and you are stupid and know nothing. They think you are crazy and ridiculous. They argue about everything to prove you wrong. But you know your right even if they don't get it yet. Maybe trying to help you let them go. NOOOO they are not that smart they are just immature and have no idea what it is to be a parent yet. They will get it someday. I'll be there sitting on their sofa laughing a tad bit when they struggle with it. I wish even for me that we could look back as an elderly person at ourselves and learn from that. If we aged in reverse we enjoy things so much more.

I can cry lately at anything. I think about my kids and my journey with them and I tear up a the drop of a hat. How did I get here so fast.  Crying in my car and on my sofa at night. Crying at every memory. Thankful I wrote in this blog years ago. I read back at it now enjoying and laughing and crying about all the stories. I would have forgotten some of those stories if I didn't blog about them. I'm so glad I wrote about it. Some day they will get to read them too. They will owe me a facelift...LOL They were honest and raw, but it was our story. The good the bad and evil as I call it. Hub's used to be so mad at my honest blog telling me I was being judged for my honesty about life and marriage. But motherhood and marriage is hard it's not all fun and games. It comes with good times and hard times. No parent is perfect and no kid is perfect! Noooo marriage is perfect either. It's so much work honestly. So worth it too.

As much as this is a downer post I know there are good times to come. I look forward to college graduations, weddings, and grandkids! There is much more to come. Even if I'm super sad my days as Mommmmmy is gone. But I can't wait to watch them in their rolls as parents someday. So like I said eventually they leave so enjoy them while they are there. I might have become that old lady telling people with young kids to enjoy it because it goes so fast.....ughhhhh I remember those people telling that thinking they were nuts! They are not nuts they were right. Eventually they leave...and things are forever changed! It's probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life so far. People it's not easy to send them off into the world. Again not a writer, I ramble it's how I
 talk and I'm noooo writer it is what it is!