Mourning is real

So it's been a while.....a long ass while. I used to write in this blog everyday when my kids were younger. Thank the heavens I stopped when they were teenagers. I lost friends for my honest posts years ago. I might have lost everyone when they became teens. OHHHH what they put me through. Honestly I got away with the normal teenage WTF's! Nothing that killed me. Most of us have them. Some of us get away without them. Few and far between though. I kinda hate-envy those ones that get the perfect kids we dream about. Mine have aged me to say the least. Broke me down, gave me grey hairs, made my face resemble a candle melting. They gave me a run for the money and stole all my money at the same time. For the most part I have enjoyed the hell out of these years......yeahhh I'm lying. Teenage years are for the birds. I totally enjoyed the younger years way more. I depended on my girlfriends, my sister, my mother, and family to get me through these years. I had my girlfriends who had teenagers as well to compare our messed up stories to. My sister to remind me how awful I was at that age and to insure me my kids couldn't touch my stories.  Honestly...they did better than me.  My mother to tell me it goes fast and I will miss these days. I did fix it all with a little booze and a tiny bit of botox in that damn I'm so mad line.

But here I am with another one on graduation day. Thinking where the hell did these years go...really. Hard to believe I mean really hard to believe this part of life has passed me by.  It's an odd feeling. Should I be happy? I should....but I'm really not. If I have to be honest. I'm mourning. Wishing I enjoyed all those WTF moments more. They weren't all bad moments. There were so many perfect moments too. Way more perfect moments for sure. The Christmas times...I crazy loved being Santa. Even after they found out it wasn't real. That was a sad day for me. Probably more sad for me than for them. I find myself looking through pictures trying to capture all the memories and all the joy in those times. Thinking how can those times have gone so fast. Those old ass people who warned us about this were right. But now we are those odd asses warning the young ones that time is flying. What I would give to go back and start over. I think about this more than I should. So take it from me. Read more to them. Don't tell them to go away cause you are busy with work or cleaning. It can wait cause you don't get this time back. Enjoy the short time you have with them. Ugh looking through all my memories and pictures I would give anything to enjoy them more. I wish I wasn't so stressed out and would have taken more time to hug them and tell them I crazy love them because they were the best thing I ever did.

I watched them and was there for most of their first moments. First steps, first tooth, first cold, first day of school, last day of school. First teams they were a part of. I was there when they couldn't sleep or didn't feel good. I got snotted on, puked on, and shit on literally. We went on many vacations together. I watched them learn to swim and learn to ski. I was there for their mistakes. There for the failures and their successes. I watched them grow from the start, what a blessing it has been. I have laughed with them, cried with them, yelled at them. and might have hid in my closet and cried alone at times. We made many family traditions together. I have taken at least one million pictures of them. I'm so glad now! They have broke my heart and they have healed my heart...sometimes all in the same day. I have hurt for them and I have rejoiced for them. I could go on and on. So much comes flooding through. I find myself crying a lot lately at everything. Mourning every single bit of it.

So I'm here getting ready to send another one off into the world. I question everything I ever did. Thinking I could have done a better a job preparing him to go out in the world. Taught him to cook more and clean more. But I think he's so kind and has such a good heart. He is so nice to everyone. Since he was little so many people would pull me aside and tell me Cole was so nice to the special needs kids. That makes me so happy. So I did a little right. He's not the smartest kid in school but he's a nice kid. I could have done so many things for this kid better. I think we all struggle with this. Read more, spent more time, didn't ignore him when I was tired, taken more time with him. I really wished after looking at every picture I would have enjoyed that time more. Not been so stressed out. Not cared what other people thought. Because those were probably the the best years of my life. I used to love traditions and gave up the last few years when I went to work. I wish I didn't. I would take a do over for sure!

So sending a boy off to college is mind boggling.  I'm scared that he will not get up for class. He will struggle to get good grades. I worry all the time. I really want him to be the best he can. But I think we all worry about our kids.  Gosh I love this kid. He has a girlfriend now.  He's such a good boyfriend.  I'm so proud of him he's so respectful to her. I watch him and I'm really impressed that he's a true gentleman with her. He's a good boyfriend and a good friend to his friends. He's not perfect but he has a great heart. That makes me more proud than anything else.


Funny when you have kids you struggle with the compare game. It gets more intense when it's time to go to college. Well I found it was intense all through school. Who has the best grades, who is the best athlete, who is not a bully, who is not drinking in HS, who has not gotten in trouble.... and so and so on....You see the kids getting into great colleges and the business school, the engineering school. getting scholarships, and getting on teams. When your kid doesn't you feel you didn't do your job. Ugh it's so hard. I didn't do great in school but I made it. I found my way. Hopefully my kid will find his way too.

As much as I have taught them they taught me so much more. They taught me unconditional love. To love so hard it hurts at time. To trust, to feel deeply, to accept failure, and to enjoy the good moments. They taught me to love my parents more. I know what it is to be a parent now. They taught me patience. They taught me how to power through the tough times. They made me a better person. Taught me not to be selfish. I love them for what they gave me back. I hope they always know how much I love them.

So to the mourning. God help me I'm mourning seriously. Selfish I know. Ugh this is the hardest thing I've been through. Like I said I've been through this. Thought it be easier. Nope harder, I'm a mess honestly  I'm sad every second lately....What I would give back to go over and start over. I loved every minute of raising this kid. Loved this last year of football where he shined and proved himself. This year where he beat the odds. This kid crazy loved football from as long as I can remember. I loved watching that. This kid got first team all district.  He rocked it. He has been playing since kinder. Long time coming. But back to mourning. Mourning is an understatement I can't imagine my life without this kid, He makes me laugh everyday..really. I will miss him forever and wish I could bottle him at about age  ten. He was such an awesome kid. I'm so sad that my time as his Mom in this way is gone. I know I will forever be his mother but the time as a youth is forever gone, So like I said mourning those years is a real thing.  And I'm so sad....really Sorry I'm not a writer  or an English wiz so it is what it is. Don't judge