50 shades of why can't I go back to my twenties!

I know I normally put pictures with my blog entries. No time for that tonight. I need to go back to reading "Fifty Shades of Grey". So I'm a Dr, Oz crazy fan. I DVR every single show. Earlier in the week he had a show on about the book "Fifty Shades of Grey". I had heard a little about this book but I guess I really wasn't paying much attention. Anyway on his show he has people on that had read it. He also read it. The people on there were talking about how it spiced up their bedroom life. Dr Oz said he walked around with a smile on his face after reading it.

Thursday night it was my neighbor Kelly's birthday. We went over for a drink after the kids went to bed. Kelly asked me if I had heard of the book. I told her I saw something on Dr. Oz about it. She said she had just finished the first book. When I was leaving she gave it to me. I had to work the next day. When I got to work I did my normal routine. I opened the houses, put the music on in the model home, and read E-mails and Facebook. On Facebook my friend Dawn posted an Ellen video about "Fifty shades of Grey". So many people were commenting on her post. I thought damn I need to read this shit. After I get my busy work done I settle in to start the book. I'm not a huge reader, there are lots of books I started and never finished. There are few that hold my short attention span. I can name on one hand the books that really held my attention. Twilight being number one, A million pieces being two, and the late laminated Molly Marx being three. So I start to read this. At first I'm reading and thinking about other crap I need to do. I was so half reading that I thought "Grey" the main guy was black. Totally picturing Taye Diggs in that role....just saying. I'm at the end of my work day and I don't want to leave, I want to keep reading. Every time the door dinged with a customer I couldn't help but think it was Taye Diggs to take me to places I'd never been. See I have a totally over active imagination.  I have a middle school kids party I need to go to. I go home to get Hub's and the kids to head to this party. I read the book all the way to the party.

While at the party I mention I'm reading the book. Every one there knows the book I'm talking about. Even the host Hub's says he is tired from his wife reading the book. It takes me a minute and then I get what he is saying. BTW, if your a dude reading this blog get your girl this book. It will do wonders for your sex life. I'm only half way through and all I have to say is OH MY! So after the party my parents were flying in with my niece Ella. I talk Hub's into going to the airport. I tell him I have lots of stuff to do to get ready for them. Truth be told, I did all the stuff. I just want that hour to read more.


My parents get to Austin with Ella. I'm deep in this book when they get here. I still can't get this book out of my head. I want them to be sleepy from the flight so I can keep reading! I come from the family of night owls so this is not the case. They finally are ready for bed. I go up to sleep in Aidan's bed since he is asleep on the sofa. My niece wants to sleep with me. I get settled and get her ten books. I read my book while she tells me she is not about to close her eyes! Normally this would bother me. Not tonight, I'm like no problem you read these nursery rhymes while I read this XXX book!

I don't know what it is about this book. I'm not into to the whole bondage thing. Yet this book has me obsessed. While reading it I can't help but wonder why Dr. Oz went through his day smiling after reading it. Maybe he has bondage issues????? Or maybe he is happy because it is making people have sex. He does say people who have sex regularly live longer. Anyway, Saturday came along and wanted to stay in PG's and read the rest of this book. No time for that family is in town. My Mom and I head to Wimberly TX to shop. We shop and then I have to hurry back to take prom pictures for someone. After the prom pics we head to dinner. After dinner we have a few drinks. I'm kinda of waiting for everyone to go to bed so I can read some more. Finally at 1 am everyone is in bed. I get the book out. Now I'm half buzzed and really sleepy trying to read this. I'm still laughing at mom...aka...Debbie Downer. Right before she went to bed she went to put her wine glass in my dishwasher. She complained  because she does not think I load it right. I laugh thinking I've been on my own for a lot of years and it works just fine for me. I'm trying to get into this book while she re-loads what I have already loaded. While re-loading and while I'm trying to read she breaks a glass. Karma????? Maybe...... I don't know how I have survived without her loading my dishwasher all these years. I do really love Debbie with all my heart, I wish she would retire and come put my house together. My drawers and closets really do need a Debbie. Anyway she goes up to bed and I get deeper in this book. I'm half ass buzzed and super sleepy  at this point. I think I need to re-read those chapters. I know they were good. My head was bobbing the whole time I read it. Yet I couldn't stop.


Having an over active imagination when your reading you picture yourself as the main person in the story. Of course I'm picturing the twenty something version of me. The one that I thought was fat but really had a body I would give my left tit for now. I'm not really picturing the muffin top version of myself that came after forty. LikeI said, I don't know what it is about this book. I don't think it is the bondage stuff that attracts us women to it. I think it may be the really rich guy that takes care of us. I swear with the divorce rate as high as it is now. I think money first love second. I think we have it ass backwards. I also think this book gets women because we as women want to fix broken things. This guy is for sure broken and we can all relate to wanting to fix a guy. I think my biggest fix was I was going to  change a guy from being gay.  He was perfect to me minus the fact he liked liked guys. I could shop with him, talk house stuff with him, and totally relate to him. The sad thing was he liked boys. I thought for sure I could change his mind. I'm here to tell you whether the guy you like is gay or a total asshole you don't have the power to change anyone. So you better be careful with who you pick because you can't change an orange into an apple.

Anyway this book is the kind of book that gets you thinking....I like those books. Hub's came home and said he heard about this book on the radio. I said..."what did you hear"???? He said I heard it makes women horny. I said..."It may...but don't get used to it because it doesn't last". If he happened to be Taye Diggs it might just last a little longer!!!!!!! Gotta to go....I have some reading to catch up with!

I'm sporty, part 2 or better yet a jockett

 After my epic fail at trying to pretend I was sporty, I decided I was going to become a jockett. I asked the kids if they would help me practice. I'm going to start my own softball team where I am the "queen bee". Watch out you "beer nuts". I'm coming to kick ass and take names. First we practiced catching the ball. Who knew Hub's was right. He said if you don't hold the mitt right the ball will hit you. Hoping I don't bruise. They did teach me how to put a little power behind my throw. I was a little self conscious after Hub's said I threw like a girl. The catching thing...I think I just need some glasses. Don't get me wrong, I catch a few. It's just going to take practice. It was cute how much they want me to succeed. Unlike some of the sweet ladies...not... on the other team. They kind of seemed to smirk at my sportiness. After my attempts to catch fly balls, I ask to move on to batting!

 These two taught me a lot! I was standing in the wrong place. Not to mention holding the bat wrong. I miss the first few. Cole says......"you never swing up at the ball". He then says...."you only hit if it is in the box".  Wait now what is the box???? Just kidding! Who knew......I would have rocked it last Monday. That is if I had taken Cole up on his offer to teach me a few things before the game. I was cocky though. I thought how hard could it be. At first when I couldn't hit the ball Cole said....."put some power in it and pretend your swinging at us when your mad". I was like....sweetheart I would never think about hitting you with a bat when I'm mad. My fantasies are more like duct taping you to the wall when you are driving me crazy. After operation this "mom is sporty". We go on a bike ride! That's right.....I'm taking this training thing seriously. I have to ride Blake's old bike since I don't have one!!!! Hub's if your reading this that was a huge hint!!!!! We get home and I'm clearly out of shape. I come in as if I just ran a marathon.

While rubbing their backs tonight Cole said he had the best day ever. I ask why is that. He said we played ball, rode bikes, and watched modern family. See I could just be mom of the year....at least today. Ya know how your kids always seem to friend that one friend??? The friend that is a wealth of information you don't want to talk to your kids about yet. The one that breaks their innocence. While rubbing Aidan's back he says......Do you and Dad "ya know". He says this with his little shit eating grin on his face. I know exactly what he was talking about. I play stupid. I say what, read books, watch TV, eat, sleep, and so on???? He grins again and says....No not that..."ya know". I say I don't know. He doesn't have the balls to say it. I don't have the balls to confront this yet. I remember being grossed out when that friend told me what my parents were doing. I actually refused to believe it. I told her no way! She said..."how do you think you got here"? I said then they only did that to have me!!!!! Then I was horrified that my Grandmother had so many kids. This haunted me. I will never forget I was at the park and we were riding those animals on springs. You know if I was still riding spring animals I was too young to know this. I have a feeling he was talking to his little friend...aka...tits McGee again. For Gods sake Cole thought I had a penis till last year. I finally had to tell him in fear he would embarrass himself in front of a kid. I'm going to have to put Hub's on the case for this one!

 I always help do the yearbook at the elementary school. I wish I had some say in this picture. Really???? Does he think he is Jim Carey???? This just screams Dumb and Dumber!!!

Not only will that last picture be in the yearbook. This..."who farted"...one will be in there too! So proud! Aidan brought this one home and I screamed....NO, WHYYYYYY. He just smirked at me. I asked why would you make this face!!!!!! He says..."you told me too". I did not!!!! He says..."you said you were not buying pictures because your a photographer". I said I was not buying the individual shot because I am a photographer. Where in the world do you get make a who farted face in the group picture from that. He just shrugs his shoulders and walks away! I'm madder than a wet rooster at this point. I don't know where I heard that saying. I don't even know if roosters get mad if they are wet. I just know I laughed really hard when I heard that. It's my new favorite saying.

Today I woke up got the kids off and took a nap. Quite judging, I stay up late. I stuck with what Dr Oz said about breakfast. I ate the big eggs, cheese, tomato, avocado, and whole grain breakfast. It doesn't sound bad but it's not that tasty. Remember I'm a Dr Pepper breakfast girl for years. I work out after. Damn that Jillian Michael's. She is a mean bitch. Yesterdays blog I joked about working out in my underwear in order to scare myself skinny. I was really just joking. Today the universe heard me loud and clear. Half way through my workout I get a mother of all mother hot flashes. It's so bad that I strip down to my underwear. It was that bad!!!! I didn't want to stop though. So I kept going in my underwear. Yes, I scared myself silly, I also need a tan. Tan fat looks better!!! Maybe it was a good thing. I ate right all day, drank water, and stayed active. Later I find myself on the sofa watching shit TV. I could be doing sit-ups while watching. See I know what to do. Instead I watch TV grab my stomach fat and tell it to go the F away. As if it is listening. All this health stuff is going to my brain. I love how the universe listened to my working out in my underwear thing. It sure isn't listening to the I WANT TO WIN THE LOTTO, I WANT PERFECT KIDS, I WANT PERFECT HEALTH....most of all I want all the people I love to have happiness, good health, and wealth. Lets face it wealth makes life a little easier. All those people that say money does not make you happy are just trying to make themselves feel better. You never hear rich people say that.  Now I know it's not the key to happiness but it sure takes some stress away. There are so many things I would do if I had ogles of money. It isn't what you might think. I would love to do nice things for people. Take people on trips, help people who need to pay something, surprise people with something they won't do for themselves. I'm nice like that. Don't get me wrong I'd do fun and nice stuff for me too. So once again....Hey universe I want to win the lotto!!!!!!!!

Last story...I know I'm starting to babble. When I was a kid I spent a lot of my time at my Grandparents house. They had a ton of kids. My Dad being the oldest. The youngest two Tommy and Jimmy were closer in age to me than my Dad. They were like eight and ten when I came along. My Grandmother was the sweetest person ever. I loved spending time with her. The only thing that ever freaked me out about her was when she used to hit Tommy and Jimmy with a broom when they were fighting. I never really got why she was doing that. Tommy and Jimmy would fight like cats and dogs in the front room. Only if your from Chicago do you know what a front room is. My sweet Grandma would yell and then get the broom out to swat them. I would stand back and watch horrified, this was not the Grandma I knew. Thinking who is this crazy Grandma????  Today Blake and Cole had a knock down drag out fight. Blake is now way bigger and stronger than me. I was trying to separate them and I couldn't. I totally get the broom thing now! I will be investing in one tomorrow. That's it from LaLa land. It's late and I'm not proof reading so excuse bad spelling, bad grammar, and run ons.........BTW, remember there was that famous artist who would paint the ladies with bellies and butts......where are those women now????? Why are we living in the time of work out barbies????? Lets just eat drink and be merry...it is so much more easier!!!!!!