Aidan is turning 11 and my head happens to be spinning

So my baby is going to be 11 tomorrow. When I say baby, he is my baby. The last one, the unplanned one, (whole other story) the one who was supposed be that girl I always wanted!  But he didn't turn out to be that girl I wanted. I still dream of pink shit and bows but at least I have two nieces now. But he turned out amazing kind of. He came with the typical…"WTF", was I thinking moments. From the beginning he was not an easy kid. He cried and I mean cried from about two weeks old till about a year. There are a few people in my life that remember this time. I barley remember, I may have blocked some of it. The kid was only somewhat happy if I had him in a strange position and walked him around patting his tummy. I swear when I think about that time it makes me cringe. I don't have great memories of him in the beginning. Plus I had a two year old and a five year old! Hello padded cell my name is Kerry!

But we pushed through it. Mostly because you don't have a choice. My other two were a walk in the park compared to him. Eventually he settled down, stopped crying, and became as normal as I can expect him to be. He out of all my kids to this day is a Mama's boy. I swear the other two would be fine without me…but not this one. As a mom I should relish in the fact that this kid is so attached to me. But it's not like that for me. I feel bad for him. Because he misses out on a lot being afraid of things and wanting me around for everything. I could almost cry writing about him. As much as I think he has been such a great kid I feel bad that he is a prisoner to anxiety. Always has been. My over thinker for sure. He's afraid of things kids shouldn't be. He has stood back a lot and watched because of over thinking and fear. I have stood back a lot trying to assure him he will be fine but it never works.

So he does awesome in school, never a problem. Does his homework, cares about his work. When he plays sports he puts his all into it. He is a coaches dream. Not to mention a teachers dream. Even goes home and watches "YouTube" videos of pitching baseball over and over….to the point that it drives me insane. Just so he can be the best he can be. I love that he cares so much.  I never get anything but compliments about him from coaches and teachers. He wins a knights of guild award every year for being a great student. My other two never got this, so when he gets it they get mad. They say…"How does he get this every year?". But the teachers and the coaches  don't see behind the scenes. My baby suffers from extreme panic disorder. He sometimes hyperventilates to the point where I think about taking him to the hospital. He fears crazy stuff. The signs were there from the time he was little. He used to not wear a shirt outside because he thought those big black birds would carry him off. I used to laugh at his silly thoughts until I realized they were true fears to him. Fears that made him feel crazy. It became real to me when he started school. I was not used to a kid crying about going to school. At least not after the first two days. This kid is in the fifth grade now. I have been dealing with him being afraid to go to school for six years now. He doesn't fear school. For some strange reason he fears something will happen to me while he is at school. When I talk to him about why he is upset he always says.."If something bad happens, I can't get to you". Woe is me, that's a big thought. One that would have scared me if I really thought about anything besides boys at his age. I don't understand it but after therapy they say it's real to him. Breaks my heart in a way.

He has had some really big attacks. Shaking uncontrollably. I could hardly get him to calm down. When this happens as a parent you feel so helpless, nothing you can say is helping. I can't even describe how heartbreaking it is….never went through this with his brothers. So until you see this first hand you have no idea how bad it is. I find myself crying after these spells….feeling defeated and broken. I have had conversation after conversation with teachers and doctors about him. Most of his teaches say his day starts out bad but ends up alright. Made me sad when one teacher told me he hid under a hoodie crying the first hour of school. But I have to make him go….hoping that he will finally be ok.  He is a popular kid, I guess the kids don't notice his issues yet. I have this fear that someday they will and make fun of him. A doctor once told me his brain was not working right. So he talked me into medication for him. At this point my mornings had become so bad I would have tried anything. I was hoping he would just get help with coping. But this doctor assured me that meds were the way to go. I do believe that to be true for a lot of people but he was so little at the time.

I put him on meds….hoping for the best. My biggest hope was that he would do sleep overs and normal kid stuff without freaking out. Plus go to school and feel normal and calm. I hate that he is in turmoil most days. The first week was good, he seemed calmer. Went to school with no issues. But then he started humping the air, acting like an animal…crawling around like a weirdo, and peeing in the yard. Not to mention extreme stomach pain. Wanted to go streaking naked through the hood. Yes, he was not afraid…but um…streaking naked and peeing in the yard??? I thought shit…this is weird. This was not at all my Aidan. So I took him off the meds. I'm sad cause at his age he's missing sleepovers, roller coasters, and just being a carefree kid. Today we deal with panic almost everyday. Not extreme ones…those happen every few months. But when they happen they are bad. But still a panic feeling everyday. When he gets a little older I will try meds again. but I'm truly heartbroken this kid can not just be kid sometimes! He misses a lot. But, he's the greatest gift I was never expecting. Wouldn't change a thing…except his panic! One of his most favorite teachers once told me……"Aidan…is one of those kids you see once in awhile when you teach…..an over thinker for sure….yes your dealing with a lot with him now…but mark my words if you coach him through this he will do great things in life"! Wow, I hope he is right….cause so far nothing has worked out the way I pictured in my head as a girl. When things get bad and I feel helpless I hold on to those words that teacher told me. I only hope for all my kids they will be healthily , happy, and of course wealthy…..mama's going to need some work after raising three boys! Happy Birthday to my worry wort…aka..pig pen!