The day I won the power ball in my head!

It was a balmy night. I had gone to the local convenient store for a six pack and some power ball chances. I sucked down my beer and awaited patiently for ten O'clock to roll around. I just new I was going to win it. I had asked the Universe on more than one occasion. Now the Universe books do claim to give you what you want. Remember you just have to ask for it and believe it is yours!!! I believe! Ten O'clock rolled around. I had missed it because I was busy numbing the pain of driving people around all day. I had the money spent in my head.  I was going to walk/run away with almost 400 hundred million. It may seem like a lot of money to spend but I have faith I can do it. I've been a good person, I'm do for some good Karma to come my way.

So what would I do with my new found money?????
Would I run like hell never looking back?????? (Of course, I would leave these people enough money to get a nice nanny to drive them around though)
Would I change my name, hair color, and complete Identity?????? (Just call me LULU from now on)
Would I tell a few people to kiss my fat ass???? (Absolutely, then I would have that fat sucked out)
Would I disappear into the night never to be seen again???? (People would make up crazy stories like I had been abducted by aliens)
I'm being ugly letting my evil twin Lulu get the best of me!!!!!! See money does make people do evil things!!!!

What would I really do with my new found money??????
Disappear .....Ha Ha evil laugh!
First I think I would pee my pants. Then I would run around like a crazy person screaming "I'm rich, I'm rich". I would stuff that ticket where the sun don't shine and sleep with one eye open till I could collect. I would have a hard time falling asleep because visions of millions would be in my head. I would wake up and scream "Holy Shit, I won the lotto". I would do a happy dance around the whole house. I would get a wig and sunglasses and go collect this shit. I'm not sure how long it takes to hit the bank. When it did I would take out a bunch of it. Don't think I wouldn't be doing naked angels in it all over my house. Yelling "I'm rich" the whole time! Don't you bullshit me that money can't buy happiness. That's what poor people say to make themselves feel better.

My first order would be to disappear. I would tell these people that Mama needs to go to rehab for a while. They would be confused. I would tell them I was a closet addict. I'd kiss them goodbye, tell them "I'll call you, don't call me". I would tell them I'm going into a 30 day program. Then I would head to a spa that only rich people could afford. I would of course convince a few other people they needed to go to rehab with me. They would not be these people I live with....just saying! I would get massages, do yoga, eat, drink, eat, dance, eat, meditate, eat, and eat! Maybe get that botox I keep talking about. I would come back refreshed and renewed. Ready to take on my new rich life.

I would come home.....Do some more naked angels in a pile of cash yelling "I'm rich" over and over. I'm building a house now. Would I keep it???? I think I would. I think I would give it to a family member I would love to have out here though. I would buy a lake house. I would also buy a bunch of acres. I would not build a mansion but a kick ass house. I would also build a few more houses on the property for some family to move into. I would get a bunch of rescue dogs...against Hubs better judgement. But I won this shit and what I do it up to me. Dogs come to mind!  I'd build a killer pool and outdoor living where we could all meet. Cars???? There not that important to me. Don't think I wouldn't roll around in a killer car though! Remember I have almost 400 million. "I'm Rich". All my money worries would be gone. College???? Where ever you want!!!!! Car??? No problem! Spoiled....hell yeah! Who doesn't really want to spoil their kids????

Next order of business......take care of the people who have made a difference in my life. Some are family, some are not. There are so many people that come to mind. Thank God, I'm rolling in it. Family comes to mind first. I would surprise each and everyone of them with something life stopping. I'd be like "Oprah". Paying off houses, buying cars, vacations, and great surprises. I would have so much fun with that. Then I would go home and do naked money angels in my money...yelling "I'm rich". There are a few friends, teachers, and people I have met on my way that I would love to do something great for. I always cry when Oprah and Ellen do something unbelievable for someone. I want to do that! Some people would be surprised. There would be a few people that would be shocked. Man that would be crazy fun. I would be like Santa. Then there are a few Facebook people. The ones who are single moms and I know they work their ass off. I would so surprise them with something just for them......See Universe, I need to win! Then there are a random stranger's on Facebook that friended me because of this blog.  Thank you for listening when I think no one hears me. I know I can be bit crazy but who isn't????

Finally, strangers. If I had that kind of money. I would feel a need to give back. As I'm writing this so many bad things come to mind. Boston, The Texas explosion, Oklahoma! All made me cry. I would love to do something great and make a difference. If I won I could! So today is the day I won the power ball in my head! If I really won I would have so much fun and not hoard. DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE???????

This prompted me to start a conversation with these people I live with at dinner. I asked them if we won the power ball what would they want to spend it on. I was hoping they would want to do great things with it....hoping I raised them with compassion. Now Hubs was out at our dream house looking at all the things that were not getting done on it. Whole other blog! Someday I hope to live in this house....Just saying!  Blake...aka...the not so charming prince....says..."I don't know". Proof that he is spoiled! He finally says..."I would buy a house for my girlfriend and me". I say.."You are too young to have a house with your girlfriend". He says...."I would buy one for our future". "That's sweet and all but what about doing nice for others????" Crickets! I need to do lots of work on him. The two little guys.....Pig pen and Drama have a lot of request. First they say..."We can't tell Dad cause he will try to control us". I might have spit my dinner out when they said that. I say..."It's so much money we can tell him". They say..."No, lets just spend the money and not tell him". I spit food again. I say..."What would you do with that kind of crazy money???"I do say.."how can we explain all the crap we're buying to Dad??". They say.."We will figure it out"'LOL really I'm Laughing. Pig Pen wants a wake board boat, lake house, baseball equipment, and baseball cards. Drama wants a go cart and a ranger. He also wants a big room...which he is getting in our/my dream house. I was sad that not one of them decided to do anything for others. They were all about themselves. Typical of this generation. Somewhere we went wrong giving them too much and not teaching them compassion. At least I have! Woe is me!

Anywho, If I won the lotto. I would do great things. Really.....besides disappear into a spa life. My dream life is to be a rock star....I can't sing though. Next is to win a crazy lotto....so I can give and give back. Final is to be on the Ellen show...I'm jealous of Jeanie her assistant who gets to give people in need money. I want to do that just once. So Universe do you hear me?????? Don't judge me for miss spelling or run ons or bad grammar...I'm tired. No time to proof read...three kids need to get to three different schools in the am. This is why I need to win!  A driver, a cook, and a house keeper would be great! Just saying Hello Universe is it me your looking for???????

Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.

A day in Chicago

It's been a few days since my last entry. I haven't been feeling it if you know what I mean. I have been down about my Grandma and just haven't really felt like writing.

After Grandma's funeral we stayed an extra day in Chicago. My twisted sister had the idea for all of us to head downtown. Me I would have been fine in the warm house watching TV. I'm not used to that cold weather anymore.

Of course we come from the family of ass dragers so we don't get going till after noon. A morning gal I will NEVER be and I'm alright with that.

This is little jerk that stole the Grump from me. I think I will write a children's book about her and title it.....The Grinch who stole my Grumps. He doesn't even know I'm in the room when she is around. I'm not used to being ignored for God's sake. He's always talking to her and trying to get her attention. I could say....hey Grump I'm leaving these people I live with to run off with my Vampire and he would say "that's nice". Bullshit I say! If she wasn't so damn cute I would totally take her down. I will get you back someday Grump and I bet it's when she hits the terrible twos. Grumps has zero tolerance for bad babies. That is how he got his nickname.

Here's another one blinded by the little jerks charm. Cole is like the baby whisper. Kids love him and he is so good with them. I bet he will make a great Father some day. SIDE NOTE.....I'm writing my blog right now and Hub's is watching Pearl Harbor for the 500th time I shit you not! So I'm sitting here and I can pretty much quote the movie word for word and I'm not even looking at the TV. I'm sick of him hogging my TV, especially when he is watching the same shit over and over. Now Aidan is in my face telling me I would get into a lot of trouble if I were in school. I say why??? He says because you are typing with one hand. I tell him that's how I roll and to take a hike.

Were finally ready to roll downtown. Mom....aka...Debbie Downer does her normal ritual before we leave the house. She drags her ass upstairs while we all wait ready to go. She checks and double checks to make sure the doors and windows are locked. She asks Grumps a few silly questions. She gets out a big ass box of gloves and hats so the kids can have a fashion show while trying to decide on one. You think she would have learned by now hand them a hat and a pair of gloves and be on your way. Oh wait she has more hats upstairs so she goes to get those as well. I guess the twenty hats on the table were not enough to pick from. We are finally all suited up and she has to use the restroom now! I just laugh as Grumps rolls his eyes.....for this is the story of his life.

We drive to the L train to go downtown. Grumps and Debbie are like the blind leading the blind trying to figure out the ticket situation. They have to call the L lady over for help. They look like total tourist. No one would ever believe that they both grew up in the city.

Aidan says....We don't see our breath where we come from! Thank God for small things. All you Cub fan readers who are criticizing his Sox hat right now.....you can Suck it! Grumps is the only one in his big family who is a Sox fan. We are trying to win him back from the little jerk by making him happy with our Sox apparel. The little Jerks Dad is a huge Cubs fan so she will never sport anything that says SOX. One point for the Cavender clan on that one.

We get downtown and we go to see the giant tree at Macy's. This to me will always be the giant tree at Marshal Fields because that's what it was when I was a kid. I used to go downtown with my Mom and her Mom to see Santa and eat under the tree. I remember thinking this tree was so giant and beautiful. It still is giant and beautiful. It brings back many memories for me. For this is when I learned to shop like a rock star with Debbie.

Of course we have to see Santa. Believe it or not we got right in! NO line, I can't believe it. I remember being a kid and waiting in the long Santa line for EVER.....What has happened???

The boys always love shopping with Debbie because she loves to buy shit and always cracks under pressure. They know they are going to break her down and go home with some useless crap. Now me as much as I like to shop, I also like a deal. I rarely pay full price for anything. Debbie is another animal she likes to pay full price because she says she knows quality then.

We go to eat under the tree at Macy's. No Line! I remember waiting forever to eat at that restaurant as a kid. Maybe it's because it's Tuesday. They have this girl dressed up as a princess going to the table sprinkling the kids with magic dust. I look over at twisted sister and say she looks anorexic. Twisted Sister says to me she looks like a ghost because she is not only skeleton like but she is also white as a dead person. The little Jerk looks at her and offers her the roll she's eating and says eat bitch please. Now this is in no way making fun of people with eating disorders...just sayin.

Cole just loves Grumps.....I really don't know why! I guess he doesn't get that we have all become shit since little jerk arrived.

Check out the girl behind us.......her hand looks odd.

We ask the waitress to get a picture of all of us under the tree. Here we are but I really don't see the tree in the background.

The baby whisper helps Ella get bundled up for the super cold weather in Chicago. Notice there are smurfs in the background. Note to self....hold on to your shit everything seems to resurface some day. I may get rich off something. There are many things I wish I had held on to.

I love this picture. The tree was amazing. I'm so glad the twisted one talked me into going downtown instead of TV. Side note Hub's is still watching Pearl Harbor......as if he is in the theater. I want to yell turn that shit down I can't concentrate. I totally blame any bad grammar, run on sentences, and to and too puck ups on him tonight.

We head out of Macy's to the cold as shit streets of Chicago. It is a beautiful city, especially at Christmas.

We are checking out the Macy's windows. Now I'm a bit disappointed they are not as elaborate as they used to be. Bad economy...Puck u! The twisted one of course has to act like she's picking poor Virginia's nose. I see therapy in her future. Maybe we could get a family rate.

Now of course I need to get in on the action. I think I will put bunny ears over Virginia's head. As you can see the twisted one did not direct me correctly. I did a much better job directing her nose picking picture.

We head over to the Kris Kringle market downtown to do some shopping. Poor Ella is cold as shit.

For Gods Sake, even the pigeons are cold in Chicago. We really do laugh our asses off over the pigeons warming their feathers downtown.

This is the famous "BEAN" that reflects the city.

This is the beautiful tree at the Kris Kringle market. LOL, just googled "Kris Kringle" to make sure I was spelling it right.

While at the Kris Kringle market the twisted one got this cow hat. I see this as a cry for help. She might as well have a giant sign over her head that says.....LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME! She is a bit of an attention whore. BTW, she learned everything from me. Though I would not sport a cow hat in fear that someone would say MOO! I think I might crumble.

AWWWWW, ice skating downtown, never did it but it looks like a lot of fun.

The city is just beautiful but cold as shit! So ready to get back to 80 degree weather in Austin.

While visiting the BEAN we come across this. Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres that is, is filming the worst X-mas sweater ever show. In my perfect world I would be the next Ellen minus the lesbian, I would be the Ellen with the half dead billionaire with the hootie on the side...just sayin! Twister sister and me run to see what all the excitement is about. Now I'm a HUGE Ellen fan. Twisted sister and I went as Ellen and Porsha for Halloween. We so wish we would have known this was going on because we would have won this shit! Anywho we watch and laugh. There were some great BAD X-mas outfits. This goes back to me sayin hold on to your shit! I supported some God awful X-mas sweaters in my day.

Now Twisty and me can spot a hottie a mile away. She looks at me and says....look at that guy! I say yeah I already have spotted him. She says get a picture. I say already got it. Sad thing is he looks GAY! Damn it all the super hot ones are GAY.

Look at the little jerk trying to get that "hey look at me hat". I really might take her down. Cute and all I'm just plain fed up. Give us a little you little jerk!

Ok so the little jerk is so amazingly beautiful, I will give her that! I can't stop taking pictures of her.

Damn it, if she can't sport some X-mas PJ's like a rock star.

The day we are getting to leave Chicago it is snowing, The little guys are super excited since they rarely see snow.

This is the picture we took as we were getting in the car ready to go to the airport. SNOW....Awww glad I'm leaving it...them not so much.

Thoughts of my day..........Thinking I'm going to go on Craig's list tommorow and look for a pop up camper. I will park it in the backyard with a TV and a Laptop and live happily ever after. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I'm to tired to proof read.....I blame Hub's anyway! I was on FB today which to me has become pretty boring, I was tempted to comment GAG on a few peoples status updates, but then I realized I'm feeling like a downer because of Grandma and I should not be an asshole because of it!

Halloween is finally here

Halloween day I get the pumpkins carved and I cook all day. Just in case this plague that Blake has brought in the house takes me down. My overactive mind gets the best of me a few times and I think I have it. I pass by a mirror and I do an eye check too make sure they are not getting that glazed look. I check my temperature every hour on the hour. Thus far this craziness is just in my head and I am fine. I still can't help but picture the house with a purple fog rolling through it or a smoke monster like in lost. It just seems so contaminated. I'm still picturing germs on every surface that resemble green gremlins laughing obnoxiously at me. The hand sanitizer has become my new best friend. As I am preparing the house for Halloween night I am making deals with God. Please God give me a get out of jail free card on this one. I have been good lately and I promise I will try to be nicer to these people I live with. The good thing is Blake seems to be back too normal. The little guys are running around playing and seem fine too.

My Mother in law and sister in law, Lindsey are flying in from Dallas. Yes, of course I warned them they will be arriving at the house of vomit. Blake's last football game is Monday night. They don't want to miss it. If I could have I would have greeted them with some nice gas masks at the door. I would have had them suit up before entering the house of vomit. Since we don't have any gas masks laying around they are shit out of luck.

Hubby takes the little guys out trick or treating. Blake of course is way to cool to go with them now. I don't blame him on this one. He goes off with his friends. The women stay back to tend to the trick or treaters.

Here is our annual Halloween shot in front of our graveyard. We have our killer penguin, our gold skeleton, and our super cool dog. Notice my too cool for words oldest is not in the picture. This is the first year I do not have a picture of him on Halloween. It's a sad day here in Halloween town.

Since I'm the queen of Halloween in these parts. I have a huge ass line waiting to get to my door. One of my neighbors comes by to let me know I may not be queen in this hood anymore. What the Hell?????? Someone is giving me a run for the money. What do I do???? Well, of course I go check out my competition. I pull up and I can not believe my eyes. They not only gave me a run for the money they flat ass blew my ass out of the water. Frickin fog machines everywhere, crazy sound effects, moving coffins and ghouls, the rock star lighting, and crazy singing pumpkins. This shitz looks like a Hollywood movie set. I'm am now not green with that plague coming for me. I am green with jealousy. I need to step up my game.

The kids are getting ready for bed that night. Cole tells me his stomach hurts. My Mother is law being VERY optimistic at this point and thinks he ate too much candy. Lindsey are I are down stairs shooting the shit. All of the sudden we hear something coming from upstairs. We look at each other and run up the stairs. That song "another one bites the dust" is playing over and over in my head like a broken record. Cole is bent over the bucket that I thank God left next to his bed.

I get Cole situated on the sofa down stairs. Cold rag on head and bucket ready to go. I know it's going to be another long night for me. I get myself situated on the ottoman across from him. He wakes up every hour on the hour to barf in the bucket. Between up chucks he is giving me a play by play of what's coming up. He tells me there's the mac and cheese I ate last night. Then he pukes again. Next he tells me there's the meat loaf you cooked me. Pukes again. Next he is telling me he thinks he is just barfing up candy. Holy Shitz kid have you ever heard of TMI?????

Monday am Cole is down for the count. I get Aidan and Blake up and ready for school. 11:15 I am up at the school picking up Aidan who is complaining of stomach pain. Mind you I look like a half dead walking zombie when I pick him up. I have been up all night. He gets home and I realized this kid is a faker. He is playing around and eating candy. This kid is not sick at all. MiMi has a talk with him about the fact that it is not good to be a faker. He comes down to tell me he is sorry.

Since I am waiting for my turn with the plague I am carefully thinking out my food selections. I'm thinking I don't want to eat that!!!! That wouldn't be good coming up. We have some chili in the fridge, I ain't dare going to eat that. This by far is the best diet ever. All I really want is liquids and crackers.

The door bell rings mid day. My friend Sharri from Chicago sent me a package. She sent the kids some longhorn glasses and me some Vamp chocolates. Couldn't have come on a better day. Now I can give them their flat ass soda in a longhorn glass. The chocolates are delicious. I eat them against my better judgement. In fear that they will come up later and ruin my taste for chocolate for ever.

Here is the best dog ever taking care of my sick babies.

Hubby gets home from work. Aidan who in the last hour has lost his luster follows him in the bedroom to say sorry for faking it. All of the sudden Hubby yells........KERRY! I go in there and Aidan is projectile vomiting in the toilet. This shitz has taken his faking ass down too now. There's that damn song "another one bites the dust" playing in my head again. We use this little vomit incident to our advantage. We tell him he got punished for faking it. I know it sounds evil but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to keep these people in line.

Now tonight is Blake's last football game. Someone will have to stay behind to tend to the house of vomit. Hubby automatically assumes that he is the one going to the game. I have been the one up all night and have been the one imprisoned in the house of horror all day. I should get to go. So I say why should I miss the game???? I ask him if it is because I'm the girl. I suggest we flip a coin. Lindsey flips the coin for us and I win. Hub's pulls me aside and tells me....but my family is here! That is so unfair that he pulled out the family card. I give in and let him go. Do I get a thank you???? Hell No! Sometimes men can be so clueless.


So I park my ass on the sofa and watch me some Oprah. Aidan throws up twice while they are gone. I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT AND SMELLING VOMIT. Thinking I should be at the game right now. I start to get mad at Hubby. I think maybe I should dump his ass! Na, too much trouble to start dating someone else. That would mean I would have to start keeping all this shitz shaved and manicured.

During Blake's game he gets a tackle. They announce his name over the loud speaker. He tells me he could hear his MiMI yelling "whoot, whoot" from across the field. Guess what people no one is yelling "Whoot, Whoot" over here in the house of vomit. I'm glad MiMi and Lindsey got to see his game. Those two love that kind of stuff.

Every body gets back to the house after the game. Aidan is puking again. Instead of the "another one bites the dust" song playing in my head. It had changed to the "I'm not going to take it" song. A little later the song "take me down to the paradise city" is occupying my mind!

Even though we are in the house of vomit we have a great visit with MiMi and Lindsey. I really hope they don't catch our funk though.

We are still sick here today. I'm still waiting for it to get my ass. So far so good for me. I am the last one standing for now. I really think God should grant me that get out of jail free card on this one. I have cleaned and smelled more puke than anyone should. I feel I have done my time. Please don't get me!

THE BEST DOG EVER

I feel the need to say sorry I know my grammar and writing is that of a fourth graders. I still can't get those too's straight either. But I know it and I own it. I really do enjoying writing these stories down though. It is fun to look back on them.