Halloween is finally here

Halloween day I get the pumpkins carved and I cook all day. Just in case this plague that Blake has brought in the house takes me down. My overactive mind gets the best of me a few times and I think I have it. I pass by a mirror and I do an eye check too make sure they are not getting that glazed look. I check my temperature every hour on the hour. Thus far this craziness is just in my head and I am fine. I still can't help but picture the house with a purple fog rolling through it or a smoke monster like in lost. It just seems so contaminated. I'm still picturing germs on every surface that resemble green gremlins laughing obnoxiously at me. The hand sanitizer has become my new best friend. As I am preparing the house for Halloween night I am making deals with God. Please God give me a get out of jail free card on this one. I have been good lately and I promise I will try to be nicer to these people I live with. The good thing is Blake seems to be back too normal. The little guys are running around playing and seem fine too.

My Mother in law and sister in law, Lindsey are flying in from Dallas. Yes, of course I warned them they will be arriving at the house of vomit. Blake's last football game is Monday night. They don't want to miss it. If I could have I would have greeted them with some nice gas masks at the door. I would have had them suit up before entering the house of vomit. Since we don't have any gas masks laying around they are shit out of luck.

Hubby takes the little guys out trick or treating. Blake of course is way to cool to go with them now. I don't blame him on this one. He goes off with his friends. The women stay back to tend to the trick or treaters.

Here is our annual Halloween shot in front of our graveyard. We have our killer penguin, our gold skeleton, and our super cool dog. Notice my too cool for words oldest is not in the picture. This is the first year I do not have a picture of him on Halloween. It's a sad day here in Halloween town.

Since I'm the queen of Halloween in these parts. I have a huge ass line waiting to get to my door. One of my neighbors comes by to let me know I may not be queen in this hood anymore. What the Hell?????? Someone is giving me a run for the money. What do I do???? Well, of course I go check out my competition. I pull up and I can not believe my eyes. They not only gave me a run for the money they flat ass blew my ass out of the water. Frickin fog machines everywhere, crazy sound effects, moving coffins and ghouls, the rock star lighting, and crazy singing pumpkins. This shitz looks like a Hollywood movie set. I'm am now not green with that plague coming for me. I am green with jealousy. I need to step up my game.

The kids are getting ready for bed that night. Cole tells me his stomach hurts. My Mother is law being VERY optimistic at this point and thinks he ate too much candy. Lindsey are I are down stairs shooting the shit. All of the sudden we hear something coming from upstairs. We look at each other and run up the stairs. That song "another one bites the dust" is playing over and over in my head like a broken record. Cole is bent over the bucket that I thank God left next to his bed.

I get Cole situated on the sofa down stairs. Cold rag on head and bucket ready to go. I know it's going to be another long night for me. I get myself situated on the ottoman across from him. He wakes up every hour on the hour to barf in the bucket. Between up chucks he is giving me a play by play of what's coming up. He tells me there's the mac and cheese I ate last night. Then he pukes again. Next he tells me there's the meat loaf you cooked me. Pukes again. Next he is telling me he thinks he is just barfing up candy. Holy Shitz kid have you ever heard of TMI?????

Monday am Cole is down for the count. I get Aidan and Blake up and ready for school. 11:15 I am up at the school picking up Aidan who is complaining of stomach pain. Mind you I look like a half dead walking zombie when I pick him up. I have been up all night. He gets home and I realized this kid is a faker. He is playing around and eating candy. This kid is not sick at all. MiMi has a talk with him about the fact that it is not good to be a faker. He comes down to tell me he is sorry.

Since I am waiting for my turn with the plague I am carefully thinking out my food selections. I'm thinking I don't want to eat that!!!! That wouldn't be good coming up. We have some chili in the fridge, I ain't dare going to eat that. This by far is the best diet ever. All I really want is liquids and crackers.

The door bell rings mid day. My friend Sharri from Chicago sent me a package. She sent the kids some longhorn glasses and me some Vamp chocolates. Couldn't have come on a better day. Now I can give them their flat ass soda in a longhorn glass. The chocolates are delicious. I eat them against my better judgement. In fear that they will come up later and ruin my taste for chocolate for ever.

Here is the best dog ever taking care of my sick babies.

Hubby gets home from work. Aidan who in the last hour has lost his luster follows him in the bedroom to say sorry for faking it. All of the sudden Hubby yells........KERRY! I go in there and Aidan is projectile vomiting in the toilet. This shitz has taken his faking ass down too now. There's that damn song "another one bites the dust" playing in my head again. We use this little vomit incident to our advantage. We tell him he got punished for faking it. I know it sounds evil but a girls got to do what a girls got to do to keep these people in line.

Now tonight is Blake's last football game. Someone will have to stay behind to tend to the house of vomit. Hubby automatically assumes that he is the one going to the game. I have been the one up all night and have been the one imprisoned in the house of horror all day. I should get to go. So I say why should I miss the game???? I ask him if it is because I'm the girl. I suggest we flip a coin. Lindsey flips the coin for us and I win. Hub's pulls me aside and tells me....but my family is here! That is so unfair that he pulled out the family card. I give in and let him go. Do I get a thank you???? Hell No! Sometimes men can be so clueless.


So I park my ass on the sofa and watch me some Oprah. Aidan throws up twice while they are gone. I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT AND SMELLING VOMIT. Thinking I should be at the game right now. I start to get mad at Hubby. I think maybe I should dump his ass! Na, too much trouble to start dating someone else. That would mean I would have to start keeping all this shitz shaved and manicured.

During Blake's game he gets a tackle. They announce his name over the loud speaker. He tells me he could hear his MiMI yelling "whoot, whoot" from across the field. Guess what people no one is yelling "Whoot, Whoot" over here in the house of vomit. I'm glad MiMi and Lindsey got to see his game. Those two love that kind of stuff.

Every body gets back to the house after the game. Aidan is puking again. Instead of the "another one bites the dust" song playing in my head. It had changed to the "I'm not going to take it" song. A little later the song "take me down to the paradise city" is occupying my mind!

Even though we are in the house of vomit we have a great visit with MiMi and Lindsey. I really hope they don't catch our funk though.

We are still sick here today. I'm still waiting for it to get my ass. So far so good for me. I am the last one standing for now. I really think God should grant me that get out of jail free card on this one. I have cleaned and smelled more puke than anyone should. I feel I have done my time. Please don't get me!

THE BEST DOG EVER

I feel the need to say sorry I know my grammar and writing is that of a fourth graders. I still can't get those too's straight either. But I know it and I own it. I really do enjoying writing these stories down though. It is fun to look back on them.

Suspect!

Second day on the job. I break for lunch around 2pm. Since I work down the street I come home for a quick bite and some TV. As I'm pulling in the drive these skeletons catch my eye. Someone has blown up pictures of Hubby and my face and placed them on the skeletons. I can't stop laughing but I want to know who the HELL did it! I'm the only one who is supposed to come up with clever ideas like this. The nice thing is this person picked a picture of us in our twenties. If they were smart they would have blown up a recent picture of us. Now that would have scared the Hell out of people, myself included.

BTW, I want my picture back! Aidan comes home from school and sees this. He wants to take the faces off the skeletons. I ask why and he tells me it's creepy. I tell him he should start eating better, otherwise he will look like this!

Hubby has his flock of seagulls hair in this picture. This is just disturbing. My mind can't help but think he looks like the poster child for anorexia. No offence to any of you anorexics out there.

I go back to work and pull out this college of the suspects. It's got to be one of these drunk asses from the Halloween party. I narrow down my list to the two that I really think did it.

Jesse, is my number one suspect. She can get a little crazy at times. I text her right away to tell her I know what she did and her ass is grass. I find it funny that she called me today to see if I was at work. This is totally something she would do. She also just happened to be laughing at that flock of seagulls picture on my fridge last Saturday. On my 40th she showed up with a beer with my my face on it. My mind is going crazy with things I can do to get her back. I have some great pictures of her in my vault of blackmail. She calls me to find out why her ass is grass. Now Jesse is not a great liar so I half believe that she is not responsible. I'm still not totally convinced though. Would all these little clues just be coincidence?????

I move on to the number two suspects. Now these two are a bit like Bonnie and Clyde. They can be a little sneaky and they love a good prank. They share my same sick sense of humor. I could just see them sitting around last night knocking back a cold one planning my demise. All the sudden I get a text from Maryann. I text her back and ask her if she de-faced my graveyard. Her response....HUH????? What happened to it! Playing stupid I see. SUSPICIOUS! Now this one would never crack under pressure so I have to play my game right. I text her a little while later and say.......The German busted you. Another HUH????? Now the German is my crazy neighbor that has cameras on our yard. I text her back and say his camera got her and he is telling people about it. This doesn't get her. I'm still really thinking the only ones it could be is Jesse or Gilligan and Maryann. I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

I get home from work that night. I'm watching funniest home videos with my kids. BTW, if I was computer savvy I could totally win the jackpot on that show. I have great videos but can never load them right. So anyway, Cole says....did you see what Jen Beck did to your skeletons????? What???? I say! Then I ask how do you know that Jen did that to my skeletons????? He said she did it this morning when she picked me up for school. Great idea Jen, but never do the crime in front of the mouth of the South.

I should have known it was her. This is the same girl who put 40th birthday signs all over my yard. She really blew my cover on that one. All my other neighbors didn't think I looked a day over 39+1! So I know it's lame but I changed her facebook pofile picture to this. Usually I'm much more clever with my paybacks. I worked all day and I'm too tired to think.

If I wasn't so tired and didn't have to run kids all over God's green earth tomorrow I would knock a few back and really get her back. This fight ain't over Jen!