I'm sporty, part 2 or better yet a jockett

 After my epic fail at trying to pretend I was sporty, I decided I was going to become a jockett. I asked the kids if they would help me practice. I'm going to start my own softball team where I am the "queen bee". Watch out you "beer nuts". I'm coming to kick ass and take names. First we practiced catching the ball. Who knew Hub's was right. He said if you don't hold the mitt right the ball will hit you. Hoping I don't bruise. They did teach me how to put a little power behind my throw. I was a little self conscious after Hub's said I threw like a girl. The catching thing...I think I just need some glasses. Don't get me wrong, I catch a few. It's just going to take practice. It was cute how much they want me to succeed. Unlike some of the sweet ladies...not... on the other team. They kind of seemed to smirk at my sportiness. After my attempts to catch fly balls, I ask to move on to batting!

 These two taught me a lot! I was standing in the wrong place. Not to mention holding the bat wrong. I miss the first few. Cole says......"you never swing up at the ball". He then says...."you only hit if it is in the box".  Wait now what is the box???? Just kidding! Who knew......I would have rocked it last Monday. That is if I had taken Cole up on his offer to teach me a few things before the game. I was cocky though. I thought how hard could it be. At first when I couldn't hit the ball Cole said....."put some power in it and pretend your swinging at us when your mad". I was like....sweetheart I would never think about hitting you with a bat when I'm mad. My fantasies are more like duct taping you to the wall when you are driving me crazy. After operation this "mom is sporty". We go on a bike ride! That's right.....I'm taking this training thing seriously. I have to ride Blake's old bike since I don't have one!!!! Hub's if your reading this that was a huge hint!!!!! We get home and I'm clearly out of shape. I come in as if I just ran a marathon.

While rubbing their backs tonight Cole said he had the best day ever. I ask why is that. He said we played ball, rode bikes, and watched modern family. See I could just be mom of the year....at least today. Ya know how your kids always seem to friend that one friend??? The friend that is a wealth of information you don't want to talk to your kids about yet. The one that breaks their innocence. While rubbing Aidan's back he says......Do you and Dad "ya know". He says this with his little shit eating grin on his face. I know exactly what he was talking about. I play stupid. I say what, read books, watch TV, eat, sleep, and so on???? He grins again and says....No not that..."ya know". I say I don't know. He doesn't have the balls to say it. I don't have the balls to confront this yet. I remember being grossed out when that friend told me what my parents were doing. I actually refused to believe it. I told her no way! She said..."how do you think you got here"? I said then they only did that to have me!!!!! Then I was horrified that my Grandmother had so many kids. This haunted me. I will never forget I was at the park and we were riding those animals on springs. You know if I was still riding spring animals I was too young to know this. I have a feeling he was talking to his little friend...aka...tits McGee again. For Gods sake Cole thought I had a penis till last year. I finally had to tell him in fear he would embarrass himself in front of a kid. I'm going to have to put Hub's on the case for this one!

 I always help do the yearbook at the elementary school. I wish I had some say in this picture. Really???? Does he think he is Jim Carey???? This just screams Dumb and Dumber!!!

Not only will that last picture be in the yearbook. This..."who farted"...one will be in there too! So proud! Aidan brought this one home and I screamed....NO, WHYYYYYY. He just smirked at me. I asked why would you make this face!!!!!! He says..."you told me too". I did not!!!! He says..."you said you were not buying pictures because your a photographer". I said I was not buying the individual shot because I am a photographer. Where in the world do you get make a who farted face in the group picture from that. He just shrugs his shoulders and walks away! I'm madder than a wet rooster at this point. I don't know where I heard that saying. I don't even know if roosters get mad if they are wet. I just know I laughed really hard when I heard that. It's my new favorite saying.

Today I woke up got the kids off and took a nap. Quite judging, I stay up late. I stuck with what Dr Oz said about breakfast. I ate the big eggs, cheese, tomato, avocado, and whole grain breakfast. It doesn't sound bad but it's not that tasty. Remember I'm a Dr Pepper breakfast girl for years. I work out after. Damn that Jillian Michael's. She is a mean bitch. Yesterdays blog I joked about working out in my underwear in order to scare myself skinny. I was really just joking. Today the universe heard me loud and clear. Half way through my workout I get a mother of all mother hot flashes. It's so bad that I strip down to my underwear. It was that bad!!!! I didn't want to stop though. So I kept going in my underwear. Yes, I scared myself silly, I also need a tan. Tan fat looks better!!! Maybe it was a good thing. I ate right all day, drank water, and stayed active. Later I find myself on the sofa watching shit TV. I could be doing sit-ups while watching. See I know what to do. Instead I watch TV grab my stomach fat and tell it to go the F away. As if it is listening. All this health stuff is going to my brain. I love how the universe listened to my working out in my underwear thing. It sure isn't listening to the I WANT TO WIN THE LOTTO, I WANT PERFECT KIDS, I WANT PERFECT HEALTH....most of all I want all the people I love to have happiness, good health, and wealth. Lets face it wealth makes life a little easier. All those people that say money does not make you happy are just trying to make themselves feel better. You never hear rich people say that.  Now I know it's not the key to happiness but it sure takes some stress away. There are so many things I would do if I had ogles of money. It isn't what you might think. I would love to do nice things for people. Take people on trips, help people who need to pay something, surprise people with something they won't do for themselves. I'm nice like that. Don't get me wrong I'd do fun and nice stuff for me too. So once again....Hey universe I want to win the lotto!!!!!!!!

Last story...I know I'm starting to babble. When I was a kid I spent a lot of my time at my Grandparents house. They had a ton of kids. My Dad being the oldest. The youngest two Tommy and Jimmy were closer in age to me than my Dad. They were like eight and ten when I came along. My Grandmother was the sweetest person ever. I loved spending time with her. The only thing that ever freaked me out about her was when she used to hit Tommy and Jimmy with a broom when they were fighting. I never really got why she was doing that. Tommy and Jimmy would fight like cats and dogs in the front room. Only if your from Chicago do you know what a front room is. My sweet Grandma would yell and then get the broom out to swat them. I would stand back and watch horrified, this was not the Grandma I knew. Thinking who is this crazy Grandma????  Today Blake and Cole had a knock down drag out fight. Blake is now way bigger and stronger than me. I was trying to separate them and I couldn't. I totally get the broom thing now! I will be investing in one tomorrow. That's it from LaLa land. It's late and I'm not proof reading so excuse bad spelling, bad grammar, and run ons.........BTW, remember there was that famous artist who would paint the ladies with bellies and butts......where are those women now????? Why are we living in the time of work out barbies????? Lets just eat drink and be merry...it is so much more easier!!!!!!

Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.

Missing Grandma

We ended up flying out Saturday to Chicago. Aidan was finally fever free. I had to take Aidan kicking and screaming. Not because he didn't want to go but because he has inherited my crazy overactive imagination. He is scared to death to get on that plane. Now I am scared shitless of flying so we really don't make great travel companions. With much time spent talking Aidan off the ledge and trying to keep myself from going to the ledge we board the plane. I look over at Aidan and he is quietly sitting there with tears in his eyes, shaking, while reading the safety manual. This kills me, he is way to young to carry this kind of stress. I myself spend way to much time worrying about "what ifs". So the entire flight I am talking Aidan out of his worry. Meanwhile what's going on in my head is not pretty. I feel like my brain is spinning and it is really making me dizzy. I can't control my thoughts of what I will do if the plane crashes, wondering what will it feel like, and wondering how I will handle this situation with the kids. Then my thoughts shift to the fact that it will kill my parents since we are flying in for my Grandma's funeral. I start to wonder where will our services be????....Chicago, Dallas, or Austin. I wonder about Blake I think he and Hub's may kill each other without me there. All this craziness makes my head spin. I'm starting to get nauseated, hot, and feeling claustrophobic.


While landing all the sudden the plane shoots up in the air at full speed. The strangest sensation is running through my body. My kids eyes shoot over to me and they look like those cats you see with the giant eyes on those greeting cards. I tell them everything is fine but I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. I look around to see if the other passengers are as freaked as me. The lady next to me is definitely shaken up. Our eyes meet each other and she also looks at me like one of those cats. The flight attendant sees my face and says everything is alright. Sure it is they are trained to say that. Things seem to settle and damn if it doesn't happen again! I think Oh God this is it! So we end up landing safely and I can't help but wish I was a stoner going through life at ease and not on edge. The funny thing is I am writing this entry as I am sitting back on the plane waiting to take off to go home. All that crazy shit is back in my head. Aidan seems to be alright though. I really do hate to fly and could puke about now.


Anyway back to my original story. After we land in Chicago Dad..aka...Grumps is waiting for us at baggage claim. I always love to see his face. This feeling of safety and comfort comes over me. We drive back to his house. Now we didn't tell my Mom that the little guys were coming. She is in the basement when we get there. The basement that houses every game, toy, and piece of clothing we ever owned. She is finally getting rid of some stuff. The little guys run down to surprise her. She is so happy to see them. Now she is calling me into the basement to show me a skirt I wore in a wedding when I was 26. The damn thing is about the size of my right upper thigh. Thanks Mom...ake...Debbie Downer for that. I would have been fine if I never saw that. Of course I have to try to put it on. The damn thing won't even go over my hips....bullshit I say!!!! Side note....Turbulence sucks....just sayin! I wonder if anyone else on this plane feels like they are about to burst with panic. I really wish I could be put under when I fly and wake up when this shit is over.

When writing this blog I really try to see the humorous side of things. This post is not humorous at all. Since I am writing this for my kids it is important to me to include these thoughts. Sunday Morning Kelly...ake...twisted sister picks me up at 11:30. We head to my Grandma's house to put together picture boards for her wake. I'm choking back the tears as I walk into her house. I see the empty chair sitting in the kitchen. For years when I would walk in the first thing I would always see was her sitting at the kitchen table waiting for us. Her eyes would always light up when she saw us and she was always so happy to see us. I still can't believe she is gone forever. I knew it was coming but it hurts so bad. I find myself trying to recall every memory of her. I wish I could remember everything.


We arrive at the wake and most of the immediate family is already there. Most of us have swollen eyes and look slightly tired. . I'm nervous about walking up to the casket. I really hate seeing people in caskets...it's so final. When I get up there all I can think is I wish I would have told her more how much she meant to me. I'm thinking about the last time I saw her. All I could do is hold her hand, cry, and tell her I love her. I had so much I wanted to say to her but I couldn't get it out without crying. I played in my head what I was going to say to her over and over. Then I start thinking about my childhood trying to recall every moment with her. I spent a lot of time with her as a child. She lived across the street from my school so I went to her house before and after school for years. Those were the happiest days of my childhood. She used to make me mac and cheese every day. I remember when I was old enough to go to my own house I was really disappointed I wouldn't be going to hers anymore. Now I think...why didn't I just keep going. I loved going to her house. She really was my favorite person. She never made me feel bad about myself or sad, she was always so good to me. She always loved me no matter what was going on.


When she first got sick I happened to be on the phone with her. It was right after the Doctor came in to tell her she had cancer. She told me she had just got bad news. After she told me what was going on I started to cry. She said.....Don't cry or worry about me...I should be crying for you and all you have been through. This was so typical of something she would say. After a few weeks went by she had her first chemo treatment. I was on the phone with her and she started to cry. She told me she was in so much pain and she wanted me to pray for her to get better. I knew then it must have been really bad because it was so unlike her to say anything that would make me worry about her. We were going to Chicago in a few weeks and I couldn't wait to get there so I could hug and kiss her. I knew the boys always cheered her up too. I spent the next few weeks sitting on my patio at night after everyone went to bed trying to make deals with God so he would take her cancer away.


We drove to Chicago the last week of June. Grumps was nice enough to make the trip with us. When we got there Grandma had gotten something called C-diff. This meant that the kids could not see her. It also meant that we had to put a gown and gloves on. We could not touch her because she was highly contagious. This was heartbreaking because all I wanted to do was give her a kiss and a hug. The kids didn't see her the first two weeks we were there. They finally got to see her, when they did her eyes just twinkled when they walked in the room. We thought we were finally in the clear and we could visit with children, hugs, and kisses. The C-diff came back though. We did have the kids come up for her 87th B-day. We all celebrated in a private room with family, cake, and presents. It was great because she was so happy that day. The second to the last day we were in Chicago the home she was in made an exception and let the kids come in her room. They had to wear gowns and gloves but they got to say goodbye. We knew that she would not make it till next summer when we came back because she was so sick. I'm thankful that the place she was in recognized this and made an exception. The kids left and I stayed behind to say all those great things I wanted to tell her. Like I said before I could not get any of it out. I sat cried and we held hands through the gloves. She rubbed my hand and told me how much she loved me. I told her how much I loved her and how I hated that she was so sick. When I left that room I felt deflated and just plain depressed.

She got really sick the week before Thanksgiving. It sounded awful, I'm glad I did not see her that way. I did question why someone who was always so good was going through this kind of pain. She passed away on Thanksgiving morning. Now Thanksgiving for me will be the day that I will be thankful that I had the most wonderful Grandma ever. I'm lucky that I had her in my life for so long.

At the wake my cousin Jenny made the most beautiful DVD of all the pictures from her life. It was fun to look back on all the great years and memories we all had with her. Monday morning was her funeral. It was cold and slightly rainy which is exactly how I was feeling. We went back to the place where her wake was to say our final goodbye. The mass was at Immaculate Conception. I went to grade school here. The church looks the same to me. As I'm sitting there I am filled with memories of my childhood. It's funny because I dream a lot at night and a lot of my dreams are about my Grandma's house and Immaculate Conception. I guess because these are some of my greatest memories. I am teary eyed through the entire service. After communion I walk past her casket and I just feel overwhelmed by my emotions. I start that uncontrollable ugly cry. The kind where your whole body is shaking. I just loved her so much and I want more time. It sounds selfish I know but I can be a little selfish unlike her. My sister does a beautiful reading about her and she totally holds it together. She reads something from my Grandma's journal and something my uncle Jimmy wrote about her.

While graveside Cole all of the sudden starts to cry out loud. At first I think is he kidding because he has not cried all day. He was for real, I felt so bad for him. I think it finally hit him hard when he saw them put her in the grave. He really loved my Grandma. I'm so thankful that he got to spend time with her when she was alive.

After the luncheon we head back to Grandma's house. My aunt Margie wanted me to pick out something of hers to take back with me. It feels strange walking around her house looking for something to take. All I want is for her to be there and for everything to stay untouched. I finally settle on a statue of Mary, one of her rosaries, and a crucifix made of match sticks that had been on her wall for as long as I have been around. A few of us our there talking about all the old memories. It's funny thinking she raised so many kids in this house. She always had extra people living there too. Whether it be some relatives or one of the kids friends who was on the outs with their parents. These people were always welcomed in her house with open arms. I wish I was more like Grandma because she was amazing and giving. She was not at all materialistic. Now I am flying home feeling empty inside. My crazy mind is all over the map. I'm again thinking what would it feel like to crash. I can't help it, this kind of stuff freaks me out. I feel just a little more comfort than usual because I have that statue of Mary under my seat with the rosary and the crucifix. Not to mention I have the most amazing angel watching out for me.


While writing this we are flying through turbulence and I am thinking bumps in the road...get a hold of yourself. We only have thirty minutes left in this flight. I would really be pissed if I made it through 90% of this flight and went down in the end. I am going to miss my Grandma more than I can put into words. I'm going to try to be a better person because of her. I'm thankful that I came from somebody so wonderful. I only wish the good things in our lives could last forever. Grandma's should be around forever in a perfect world. I spent a lot of time writing all this on the plane crying. I bet the people around me are wondering what the hell I'm writing about. They are probably thinking I'm a total freak.

I could really write a funny blog about the people on this plane. I'm thinking who are the people that I'm flying with. It's a little jingle running through my head right now. Ten minutes before landing I'm thanking God and Grandma for getting me home safely. Then panic sets in and I think don't count your chickens before they hatch. There is still ten minutes for this bird to go down in flames. I was reading my Grandma's journal last night. I was happy that when she was talking about me she knew I loved her. She was talking about how I went to Germany my first year when my Dad was in the service. She said when I came home I only wanted my Mom. Then she goes on to say that I warmed up to her quick and she became one of my favorite people. She said I would just follow her around all the time. Thank God we landed safely just another two an a half hours wasted on "what ifs".

Thoughts of my day are if a neurologist ever got a hold of this he or she would probably think I would be a great case study for over thinkers.

I wonder how many days I took off my life stressing about flying.

I also wonder if my Grandma is up there with her parents, brothers, my Grandpa, her children she lost, her grandchild she lost, and her friends. It is a comforting thought. I hope there is no pain, no cancer, and lots of love up there. I always hate when people say they can feel their loved ones that passed away. I can't feel her and I want too. I will miss her everyday.