Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.