Raising teenagers is like nailing jello to a tree.

 So this teenager thing is kind of wearing on me. Not like a nice fitting dress either. Ya know the kind that makes you feel beautiful and unstoppable. More like an awkward bulky sweater that is itchy and uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to tackle these teenage years. I wish teenagers could just flash forward to the later years and see how things they do now effect their future. I try to be understanding and open. I tell him he can talk to me about everything. But come on, does anyone know a teenager that is 100 percent open with their parents??? There are still things that I did as a teenager that I as an adult wouldn't feel comfortable telling my parents. Mostly because I wouldn't want to disappoint them. Truth is I did plenty of things that disappointed them. Some they found out about, others they still don't know about.

 I have talked to my kids from a very young age about drugs, drinking, and sex. Some people may not agree with me on this. I actually drug test my teenager from time to time. Not because he is some druggie either. I test him because I have heard that drugs are very available in our school.  A lot of us think "Not my kid". Since I'm a professional TV watcher. I have watched a lot of shit TV and a lot of informative TV. Lots of talk shows on kids and drugs. Every time I watched the parents had no idea their kids were in trouble. They were athletes and straight A students. It's not because they are bad parents. No parent wants to see their kid go down that road. Kids are master manipulators. We as parents have to be one step ahead while we can. This is one thing I can't ignore. I have seen first hand how drugs can tear a family apart. You feel helpless. I believe no one wants to be an addict either. It is a disease. I bet any addict would look back on their life and change it if they could. Drugs weren't a big thing in my high school. I actually only heard of a few people that did them. I saw a few people smoke pot in high school. I never saw anyone do hard drugs. It's different now. We have to do everything we can to stop it.

I don't even do it because I don't trust him. What I don't trust at his age is peer pressure. I think we forget how hard peer pressure is at that age. High school is the years where a lot of us are not confident enough in ourselves to be the one who says "NO". We don't want to look stupid or be the chicken shit. We also think we are invincible at this age.  Teenagers only see the the now....at least most of them. I don't think most of them see what you do now can affect not only who you become but what happens in your future. Most teenagers have not yet experienced a lot of bad stuff. They have not had friends that overdosed or became addicts.  If anything by drug testing him I have given him a way out from peer pressure. He can say..."I can't my parents test me and my mom would go bat shit crazy if I test positive". Still I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  Am I over the top????? This is a sticky subject for sure. Some people may agree with me and others think I'm crazy.

It's funny because I have talked to them from such a young age about sticky stuff. They have always told me "I will never do any of that stuff". When they were young I thought..."Damn, I'm totally ahead of the game" "I got this".  But when they get older they start to become more adventurous. I'm lucky because I have good hearted kids for the most part. They have not done anything life shattering yet. But they do make mistakes. What I forget is I'm not raising perfect kids either, as much as I hoped I was.  I'm here to pick up the pieces and hopefully guide them to be successful, respectable, adults. I have to remember we learn from mistakes.

I think it's really hard to raise kids now. There is way too much information available to them. They know too much and see too much from a young age. Even if we shelter them, there are friends that tell them stuff or show them something. We can't be there all the time. I will never forget when I was at the park in about 5th grade. My friends and I were on those spring animals. I was just bouncing back and forth on my animal. Minding my own business, happy not knowing adult things. My friend told me about sex. I was shocked. I thought about my grandma first. She was like the women in the shoe. She had lots of kids. I couldn't believe she had done that sex thing so many times. It really bothered me. I thought she only did that for kids. Why else would someone do that?????? It truly is something I will never forget and didn't want to know then. I really just wanted to play on that spring animal and think of my Grandma making mac and cheese not whoopie.

Now we are dealing with YouTube, Facebook, instagram, twitter, phones, and snap chat. My head spins thinking about it. So kids can YouTube anything. I have researched. Pull up any drug on there. It tells you how to not only make it but how enjoyable it is.  Not to mention all the jackass dangerous stunts kids see on there.They want to be those jackasses. Having no idea the dangers of the stunts. They make them look fun and cool. Most of those stunts can kill you.  Facebook, jeez...."hey look at me" "look at what you weren't invited to" "Let me insult you and your pictures". "Look at me half naked" "Look at my muscles" "look at what I'm doing". "Look where I am" "look what I have". Instagram...another "hey look at me" thing. Phones.....damn...no one talks it's all text.  Texting makes you be able to say things you would never say to a persons face. It's not great, even something simple can be taken the wrong way. Hello we are raising kids who don't talk in person. That's a problem.  Twitter...do people really care what you have to tweet about???? Or do they just judge and talk about you.  Are our kids mature enough to handle all this judgment???? I struggle with it as an adult. Then there is a new one. "Snap chat" this it an app. where a picture flashes for a few minutes to someone and then disappears. Now think about this! What good can come of this kind of thing for teenagers?? So like I said, It's really hard to parent now. With all this to keep up with. Trying to help them make good decisions. Look at TV and music now. TV shows make teen sex normal, affairs normal, lying and cheating normal. There is a lot to overcome for us parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a brighter note I had a funny "WTF"parenting moment this weekend. Pig Pen picked out a cake at the store. While I was watching TV I saw him walk by with the cake. A few minutes later I hear a blow dryer. I go in to see what he's doing. He is blow drying the cake. I ask..."What the hell are you doing??". He says..."It's frozen, I'm trying to thaw it out".

Living in my "Pinterest" world

While at work today I was a little bored. Not much going on there on a Thursday. So I find myself between Pinterest, facebook, e-mails, camera blogs, and mommy blogs. Oh yes and I'm talking on the phone in between all this!!!! I swear one of those mommy bloggers is copying me. I couldn't believe the similarities in the words she used. Starting with the name of her blog. I am just kidding but it was strange reading her stuff, she even refers to her Husband as Hub's!!!! How dare she!!!! Who does that besides me????  Can you  feel the sarcasm?? I'm pretty much doing this all at the same time. I can't stay focused on one thing at a time. So I'm back and forth to all these web pages that are all pulled up at the bottom of my computer. At one point I think to myself that "What the What" saying! I'm only taking in bits and pieces of things....no wonder I'm having a hard time mastering the functions of my camera. I CAN'T CONCENTRATE OR FOCUS........I'm A.D.D.!!!!! When my kids act A.D.D. I get frustrated and pissed off. Hello! I have no one to blame but myself. Is there a pill I can take as an adult for this???? I hate pills though!!!! It is so frustrating to be this way!!!!

My brain reminds me of one of those God awful carnival rides that give you vertigo.Ya know the kind that whips you from side to side, back and forth, and upside down to right side up, all at the same time?All you want to do is scream.....STOP!!!!!  I'm exhausted thinking about it. No wonder I can't sleep at night. So after fantasizing about cooking in my one of my thirty Pinterest kitchens, I click over to e-mail. Never fails there is always a good mom...aka...Debbie Downer email. She does send some really funny ones but there is always a Debbie one slipped  in the mix. The one today was disguised to be a not so Debbie one. It's headline was......."EAT FRUIT-most interesting". I thought it was going to talk about the benefits of eating fruit. Boy was I wrong. It starts off in capital letters reading.......DON'T EAT FRUIT AFTER A MEAL!!!!!!.....Only eat fruit on an empty stomach!!!!! Can't you just hear the dunnnnn, dunnnn, dunnn,.......sound as you read that! It goes on to read that if you eat say a piece of bread followed by a piece of fruit. The fruit does not go straight through you like it is supposed to. Nice way of saying you do not shit it right out. The whole meal starts to rot and ferment in your intestines and then turns into acid. I have an overactive very visual imagination. I always have, which is one reason I'm in need of some good therapy. So I'm visualizing a piece of fruit rotting in my intestinal track with maggots all over it!!! See why I need a therapist?....It just ain't right!

It goes on to read that fruit mixed with putrefying other food produces gas......I have been a little gassy lately. BTW, I have no earthly idea what the hell the word "putrefying" means.....I'm just copying what the email says. I will be "googling" it later. Hence after the fruit mixed with putrefying other foods....your body starts to bloat. Oh, that explains a lot. It's not the fact that I have fallen right back off the workout wagon. I can totally blame it on eating fruit after food. I'll look at my friends and say.....ya see this extra tummy????? That would be fruit rotting and fermenting in my gut!!! Can you imagine the looks I would get. I wonder how someone would respond to that. It also causes gray hair.....I have been totally blaming those on my kids!!!! Who knew it was rotten gut fruit! It also causes baldness.....I think Hub's has been sneaking in a little fruit action after a meal. Also causes nervous outburst.....I really do laugh out loud when I read this one. Cole....aka....Drama Queen  eats an apple a day, I have a strange feeling it is not on an empty stomach. Just a guess!!!! Last it causes dark under eye circles....Damn I was blaming that on the beer. Then it says....All this will NOT happen if you eat fruit on an empty stomach.

Last the email talks about how you should only drink fresh fruit juices.....I know a good brand..."Genesis Today". Never heat your juice. I was trying to think if I ever drank heated juice. I don't think so. It says...Don't eat cooked fruit. Say good bye to hot apple pie. Unless you plan to use it like the guy in American Pie. I'm a poet and I didn't know it!!!! LOL, alright not that funny. Says to drink your juice slow. To let it mix with your saliva. It talks about how it is beneficial to go on a three day fruit-fast. It will cleanse the system and your friends will be surprised at how radiant you look. I wonder if it will give you the same radiant look I hear botox and fillers give you. All this is said to have been scientifically proven by Dr. Herbert Shelton. I do truly believe that raw fruits, veggies, and seeds are very beneficial to the body but I'm no Doctor. Even if I poked a little fun at the Debbie email.

After all this food for thought I click right back over to my Pinterest boards. For some reason I'm steering clear of the food board. I think I will check out my exercise boards. I look at all the hot bodies I will never look like. I love the one that says, one week to a rock hard butt.....Bullshit, it's going to take a lot more time than a week to get a butt like the girl that is pinned. I'd like to pin her all right. Pin her ass to a wall and force feed her cheeseburgers.. Can you feel my green eyed monster surfacing???? They say to replace your bad habits with good ones. Like a fruit instead of a cheeseburger. God forbid you ever eat a fruit after a cheeseburger. I think McDonald's got that whole apples and cheeseburger thing wrong. Exercise instead of a cocktail. Can't we just jog to the fridge for a beer and jog to the bathroom after. Maybe jog in place while drink it?????? I really do have good intentions when I pin the exercise stuff. I mean to do it but facebook, Pinterest, emails, shit TV, and Oh yes these people I live with get in the way! It is never my fault of course. Everyone and everything else's fault. As I write this one word comes to mind..... Blake...aka...the know it all. I got an email from a teacher that said he had not turned in some stuff. I took a break around the time he was getting off the bus. I tell him about the email. He says...Oh yeah I know but I turned that in today. As he is saying this I'm saying it to myself in my head. I knew that is what he was going to say word for word. It's safe to say I have heard that one before. He really should come up with a different story. Universe where are those perfect kids I have been asking for???????

I go back to work to have a Pinterest party. I check out all the party ideas that I will never do that I have spent precious time pinning. I imagine myself on the little tree stump stools with the pretty cloth seats. Lights hanging all in the trees and colorful overachievers cupcakes surrounding me. Oh yes and my perfect Pinterest cocktails in ball jars sitting in the cocktail canoe next to me. Bliss!!!! It is a nice thought to be living in your Pinterest world. After this I go back to Facebook. I want to see if anyone has posted anything interesting. Not so much. Facebook is pretty boring lately. Thank God there is not a barf, boring, REALLY, gay, TMI, get a life, or an OH no you didn't button. I bet I would have gotten everyone of those a time or two. So back to Pinterest I got my hair done yesterday. I had pinned a few colors I was going to try. I came back with the same old hair color. I'm a risk taker I tell ya. I did not take a shower today because I didn't want to ruin my perfectly done hair. It will not look like this for at least seven more weeks. That is when my next appointment is! Work is finally coming to an end. No time for Pinterest recipes I will never cook. That's alright after the rotting fruit in my gut visual today. Thank you, Debbie!!!! I think I may need to "Snopes" this fruit shit!!!!

On my way home Debbie calls. My Sister...aka...Twisty totally threw me under the bus. I was slightly poking fun at Debbie with her. I had a good story. I told her not to tell her. That was last night!!!!! I guess she forgot. After I'm on the phone with Debbie for a while complaining about my kids. She says....."I was reading the obituaries the other day, you know how I do that". Um yes, I know how you do it!!!!! Weird right?????? She happened to recognize two of the names. They were the brothers of people she knew. Why is it that older people like to talk about people they know or don't even really know that died????? After we talk about the dead people Debbie reads about stories. I tell her how Aidan....aka....the worry wort broke my garage window. He walks in and says......"I just happen to notice someone broke the garage window". Oh you just happened to notice huh???? Because that shit eating smirk on your face isn't giving you away at all!!!!!! Aidan is the easiest one to read of all these people. I tell him if I check the secret camera's and find out he is a liar he will be in big ass trouble. I tell him there is nothing worst than a liar. He tells the truth and yes I still have them snowed into believing the world they live in is filled with secret cameras! It's alright to call me an evil genius. I kind of like it! Last but not least. Blake called me shortly after I got back to work. He was calling to report the broken window. I love how all these people want to be the bearer of bad news when they are not the guilty one! Sorry again for bad grammar and run-on sentences! If you need me I will be pinning my Pinterest dream pool and imagining my perfect Pinterest body swimming in it! Happy pinning everyone!

Is FB too much for kids????

Sitting here barely surviving the last the day of Christmas break. I find myself asking the question is Facebook too much for young kids. Yesterday we spent a great day with good friends. After we got home and got the kids in bed I spent my time watching a little shit TV. My favorite time of the night. I'm a night owl for sure. Around midnight I pull up Facebook. I find out on Facebook that my 14 year old has broken up with his "girlfriend". He at this time is over night at my friends house with a few boys. I see that she was posted the famous in a relationship to single status. It makes me sad because she is a very nice girl. I do think they are too young to be in relationship but what do I know right???? What made me more sad was the seventy something comments bashing my son for breaking up with her. Not to mention all the people who liked it when someone bashed him. Some of these bashers are frequent flyer's at my house. It took everything in me not to write a comment back. I'm a Mama bear for sure. I had to read things about my son that a Mother should never have to see. I find myself wondering why all these kids feel the need to put their two cents into something they have nothing to do with. I guess this is a new not so improved generation. So I'm reading things that I wouldn't even feel comfortable writing on here. Anyone who reads this blog knows this is bad because I have no filter. I turn it off and put Dr. Oz on. I find myself wanting to pull it back up and see what else is being said. So there I am again trying to talk myself off the ledge of insanity wanting to rip these kids a new one on Facebook. Thank God it was not a beer night for me I would be considered a loon for sure. I see that now my son has jumped into the shit talking! I call him right away to tell him to stop it. Turn off the computer again and go back to my favorite Dr. I'm dozing off while watching a show about people shooting themselves up with growth hormones that make you look younger....totally need to re watch that show.

All the sudden my doorbell rings at 1am. I freak out, run and get Hub's out of bed. If anyone is going to get killed at the door it's not going to be me. He goes to the door to find a ton of toilet paper, paper towels, and marshmallows all over the lawn and the driveway. My guess would be one of these "haters" decided to show Blake. Well Blake is overnight so guess who has to clean all this craziness up! I have to think to myself so much for this great guard dog we have. While the house was being rampaged he laid around watching shit TV with me. Didn't get up, didn't growl, didn't bark, didn't do shit! He is a slacker dog for sure! If he wasn't the best person slash dog in this house I would trade him in for sure. After this I'm pissed! Like really this was a 8th grade relationship where you can't even really date yet. Now I'm wide awake. I pull up Facebook again only to find comments where people want to beat my son up and one even said their going to lynch him. The girl he broke up with is even like leave him alone. Hello 8th grade...really???? What happens when he is in a real relationship that goes south! Will they hang him by his toenails????

I try to go to bed after this. Tossing and turning for at least a hour. Thinking to myself once again is Facebook too much for these kids to handle. I'm an adult and sometimes its too much for me. Can you imagine if you had no filter on Facebook????? How many times I have wanted to write barf, get a life, who frickin cares, shut the front door, or TMI on someones status! I'm sure as shit some people have stopped themselves from writing something like that on my status updates. If someone did that to me as much as I think I'm too old to care it would crush me. These kids have no filter they let whatever they are thinking out. What scares me is these kids are going to develop such thick skins that nothing is going to faze them. They are going to have awful relationships for sure! Almost like your Hollywood without the famous or the money for good therapy. These kids have been raised so different from us. There were no DVR's to fast forward through the shit we don't have time to watch, no computers that will give us any kind of info we can possibly "google", no Xbox live, no you win no matter what, no parents that are afraid to tell kids what their doing is not the right thing, and so on and so one! We are doing these kids wrong by not teaching them the ups and downs of life. We shelter them and make them believe life is perfect and everyone is a winner no matter what. Immediate gratification, don't get me started. We are not teaching our kids how to be present in life or how to communicate face to face with one another. My God they text each other while they sit next to each other. I am by no means slamming anyone I am as guilty as the next for this insanity.

So back to my story. I wake up at ten am....don't judge it's just me! As soon as I wake up I want to go down and pull up the post about my son. So what do I do???? Immediate gratification and pull up the post. I find myself once again writing a message to some teenager to leave my kid alone. I come off the ledge and delete it once again. I know I can't go to their level which I'm trying like hell not to teach my kid to do this. I turn off Facebook once again. I put some happy music on and dance around my kitchen like a crazy loon. I once heard if your feeling bad put some great music on and dance it out. It works for a while and then I find myself right back on Facebook checking out what kids are sayings about my baby. I see again that my baby has become apart of this shit talking! He is still not home. I want to strangle him at this point. He is writing things like...."I broke up with her". I call him to tell him no one needs to know who broke up with who, that is private and between you and her only! What he doesn't get is a girl can hold on to rejection into her 40's trust me on this. There was no Facebook to document my middle school or HS years but God help me if there was.

Later in the day after he is home I ban him from Facebook for a few weeks. A few hours later I get a text from my sister in law about a picture that is posted on my sons Facebook page. Someone is now posting pictures of a naked lady and tagging my kid in them. I pull up his Facebook once again and delete and report these pictures. I click on to this person and the only friend they have is my son. So someone created a Facebook page only to harass him. I'm pissed off once again being a Mama bear if you will. I would love to find out who is doing this and throw them under the bus for sure! Now asking myself once again is Facebook too much for kids to handle????? Ask yourself this question. If you saw some of the things that were posted about my son you would be shocked. Some of the things I saw my son post made me go through the roof! Lets put a stop to on line craziness! I only think if at that age I would have to read the horrible things that people wrote about me it would have broke me. It scares me that these kids spirits will be broken before they get out in the real world. Lets step up to the plate and not make broken people! Sorry for bad grammar or misspellings too tired to proof read!

Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.

Who's that guy????

In my last post I said Blake has changed over night. My sweet little boy is no longer a sweet little boy. How does one grow muscles overnight???? I found this photo on his facebook page. I then had a little talk with him. I said don't be that "Hey look at me kind of guy". I said people will notice you have muscles without you posting pictures of them on the net. What does he do????? He laughs at me as if I'm crazy and stupid. Then he pretty much dismisses me. So I stand there dumb founded for a minute thinking.....is this what the next six years are going to be like. I want to shake him really hard and say give me back that sweet little boy, for this one is bullshit. Is there really something to that saying that old people like to say???? The one that goes "I love my child but I do not like him". I try again and say....If I were a middle school girl and if boys were posting pictures like this I would think they had a huge ego. He looks at me and very matter-o-factly says in his very deep new voice.....Well your not so don't worry about it. Seriously?????? Is this kid for real???? Who the hell does he think he is????? So I tell him listen I know you think I'm stupid and I don't know anything but someday you will realize I know what the hell I'm talking about. When you realize this I will expect an apology, some flowers, a nice card, and a new car! Then I tell him even if he thinks I know nothing he needs to suck it up listen and not say a word. This will make the next few years go a lot smoother. I refuse to spend the next six years like this. Gosh I just thought....there are two more of these beast coming behind him. Whats that song?????I need a vodka drink, I need a whiskey drink????? Well anyway that song is playing over and over in my head. While writing this I have to laugh just a little. I'm thinking here I am preaching to him about not being the "hey look at me" person on the net and I myself am kind of that person.

This picture was taken in Chicago this past July. I can't believe the change in his appearance in just a few months. It's like he went to bed one night and morphed into a man right under my nose.

This is the latest picture I took of him. I know I keep saying this but this shit freaks me out. I want my baby back. Why did Debbie have to be so right when she told me it was going to go fast????? See now I owe Debbie an apology for thinking she was crazy! Speaking of Mom...aka...Debbie Downer. I have a great story about her. Last night Blake had a track meet. I had to lock up one of the models where I work afterwards. It's very dark outside while I'm locking up. I'm on the phone with Debbie while doing this. I tell her what I'm doing. She's like do you have to check all the rooms before you lock up??? Me....NO, why would I have to check all the rooms??? She says what if someone is hiding in one of them. Me....I just laugh a little as a chill goes down my spine. Then she starts telling me how realtors have been murdered in the models before. THANKS DEBBIE, WAAAAA, WAAAAAA, WAAAAAAA!

A few tidbits from my day. My two youngest children....aka...dumb and dumber walked over to the place where I work after school. I was on a phone call catching up with a friend who I haven't talk to in a long time. They were supposed to be in my office working on homework. So here I am bragging about how great the kids are and how much they have grown up. All the sudden I hear this scream and then the crying is coming for me. It's Aidan crying. Cole punched him. Then Cole comes around the corner yelling trying to get his side of the story out. Now Cole does nothing quietly so there is no covering the phone so my friend won't hear. I put the phone down for a minute and say....... I'm on the phone have some mannors! I give them that very Mommy evil eye. I guess it doesn't scare them because they break out into a full on wrestling match. So I run into another room and shut the door hoping my friend is not hearing all this. Yes, I left them to beat the piss out of each other! Quit judging, I know it's awful. The next thing I know Aidan is banging on the door screaming as if he is being gutted. Even though I'm behind a closed door my friend hears this and says.....Do you need to go????? I say No, it will be fine. So now I walk out of the room pointing my finger at them while giving them the Mommy Evil Eye! I mouth to them U ARE DEAD WHEN I GET OFF THIS PHONE. Cole....aka...DRAMA....yells.....What do you mean we are dead when you get off the phone???? I'm sure my friend heard that but she didn't say anything. So now I run out of the house trying to talk hoping these people are not going to follow me. I am somewhat running down the street. Well here they come! My phone call gets cut short. I will not say what happened after this. I will say why is it that children like to make asses out of us while were on phone calls!

Last but not least. My head is totally up my ass lately. Today my kids were supposed to wear these marathon shirts they got at school. They were running laps in them. I remembered this two days ago but I lost it by today. So I'm standing outside waiting for them to get out of school. Here comes a sea of cantalope colored shirts. I don't see one kid that does not have one on. That is everyone but my kids. I have failed again, lazy parenting at it's finest! Anyway stay tuned for more Spring Break pictures and stories.

I have a teenager!

I have a teenager! How did this happen to me???? I'm the smart ass of these people, I don't need or do I want any competition. It was funny the other day my friend Lisa posted on face book that she was making voodoo dolls. I made a comment right back that I will take four. From that point on I kept fantasising about little voodoo dolls with each of these people I live with faces on them. I would keep them in my pocket and squeeze the shit out of them every once in while. If they really made me mad I would take them out of my pocket and chuck them against the wall. When the thought crossed my mind that I could take them out of my pocket poke them with needles and stomp on them with my shoe I knew I had taken this fantasy too far. Blake has gotten to the age of I love him but I really don't like him a lot of the time. While in Chicago my sister and I would be talking some kind of crap and he would throw his two cents in as if he was one of us. Kid your in LIMBO, your not a child and your not an adult......so don't make yourself sound stupid by trying to comment on things you know nothing about. I think one of the worst things is when he tells me what I'm doing wrong with my other two because he has raised kids right???? He is truly an amazing kid but he has been most annoying lately. I just can't wait till he was his own kids.

He had a few of his friends over. I was in the next room watching some mindless TV while they looked through the yearbook talking about girls. Of course they had the lab top so they could all facebook and look at girls pictures. I don't know how I got to be "the house" but I am. I'm really not even that nice, it amazes me that they want to be here. I feel like I'm running a concession stand without getting any money. The food and drinks these kids go through floors me. I need to start to charge a cover at the door otherwise I'm going to have to get a job. I would have no problem paying a cover charge to someones parents to get rid of my kid for the day. I always say I'm going to think of cheaper ways to get through these weekends but I have yet to do anything about it. After the boys go upstairs I can't help but snoop on Blake's Facebook. I have to say it's pretty boring. The girls post things like, I love Justin Bieber, I'm getting ready for school, or I'm going to bed. I think the most clever thing I saw on there was the girl who had Barbies laying around her pool and she tagged some boys from the school names on them. Now that gave me a laugh. While I'm on there I have a bad habit of chatting with people as if I am Blake. I know this is going to backfire on me some day but I will deal with it later. The middle school kids like this word or non word eeehhhhh....I saw that a lot. I had to laugh that everyone post their school schedule the day it came out. Wow, how times have changed. I would have been a huge stalker in middle school if I had known everywhere the boy I liked was going to be. These kids post what they are doing all the time. I see that Blake has three pages of birthday wishes so I post "Thanks for the birthday wishes...had a great day because my mom rocks" This is where I went wrong. Blake is never on facebook so I thought I would erase that before he saw it. The point of that post was to get a giggle out of my sister because we always laugh at my facebook hijacking. The next day I go to take that post off and snoop some more. I see that Blake has changed his status update to " Be careful my mom is acting like me on here". What the hell this kid is never on facebook....why when I post something does he check it. I have to think quick at this point. I call Blake down and tell him......I was on your facebook last night checking to see how many people were coming to your birthday party. He says....I know you were on there. I say....Did you like that post I wrote??? Then I told him I thought he would get a good laugh at that. He tells me I'm really not that funny and I'm making him look stupid. I tell him Moms are supposed to make their kids look stupid, it's part of my job. He tells me I'm making him look like a sappy mama's boy. He is a sappy mama's boy though. I will have to be more careful next time I get the urge to hijack facebook.

Blake has some more friends over to watch some movies. I show him this picture and he says..... wow look at my arms they look good! I tell him don't be a huge conceited bobble head, girls don't like that. He just laughs at me as if I am stupid. The sad thing is I know what I'm talking about he should listen. The night before I drove him and some kids to the movies. Blake sat in the front with me and we had four more kids in the back. All five of these middle schoolers spend their time text messaging. I don't get this at all why don't they chat with each other! I think it's kind of rude. Blake keeps trying to blast this rap station on the radio. I feel like I should be in one of those hydraulic bouncing cars, with my sunglasses on and some gold rope chains. Maybe a diamond grill on my teeth too. I keep changing it back to KissFm and he changes it back to rap! I finally put my foot down and say....I'm not listening to this and it's my car! He has the nerve to try and change it one last time. I tell him I have no problem embarrassing him in front of his friends so he better stop it. He knows I mean business at this point. This should be an interesting year with this teenager I live with. I made the mistake of thinking about things I did in seventh grade and I almost sent myself into a full blown panic attack. I don't think I'm ready for this! Ignorance is bliss and this is a subject I'm not ignorant on.