My brain reminds me of one of those God awful carnival rides that give you vertigo.Ya know the kind that whips you from side to side, back and forth, and upside down to right side up, all at the same time?All you want to do is scream.....STOP!!!!! I'm exhausted thinking about it. No wonder I can't sleep at night. So after fantasizing about cooking in my one of my thirty Pinterest kitchens, I click over to e-mail. Never fails there is always a good mom...aka...Debbie Downer email. She does send some really funny ones but there is always a Debbie one slipped in the mix. The one today was disguised to be a not so Debbie one. It's headline was......."EAT FRUIT-most interesting". I thought it was going to talk about the benefits of eating fruit. Boy was I wrong. It starts off in capital letters reading.......DON'T EAT FRUIT AFTER A MEAL!!!!!!.....Only eat fruit on an empty stomach!!!!! Can't you just hear the dunnnnn, dunnnn, dunnn,.......sound as you read that! It goes on to read that if you eat say a piece of bread followed by a piece of fruit. The fruit does not go straight through you like it is supposed to. Nice way of saying you do not shit it right out. The whole meal starts to rot and ferment in your intestines and then turns into acid. I have an overactive very visual imagination. I always have, which is one reason I'm in need of some good therapy. So I'm visualizing a piece of fruit rotting in my intestinal track with maggots all over it!!! See why I need a therapist?....It just ain't right!
It goes on to read that fruit mixed with putrefying other food produces gas......I have been a little gassy lately. BTW, I have no earthly idea what the hell the word "putrefying" means.....I'm just copying what the email says. I will be "googling" it later. Hence after the fruit mixed with putrefying other foods....your body starts to bloat. Oh, that explains a lot. It's not the fact that I have fallen right back off the workout wagon. I can totally blame it on eating fruit after food. I'll look at my friends and say.....ya see this extra tummy????? That would be fruit rotting and fermenting in my gut!!! Can you imagine the looks I would get. I wonder how someone would respond to that. It also causes gray hair.....I have been totally blaming those on my kids!!!! Who knew it was rotten gut fruit! It also causes baldness.....I think Hub's has been sneaking in a little fruit action after a meal. Also causes nervous outburst.....I really do laugh out loud when I read this one. Cole....aka....Drama Queen eats an apple a day, I have a strange feeling it is not on an empty stomach. Just a guess!!!! Last it causes dark under eye circles....Damn I was blaming that on the beer. Then it says....All this will NOT happen if you eat fruit on an empty stomach.
Last the email talks about how you should only drink fresh fruit juices.....I know a good brand..."Genesis Today". Never heat your juice. I was trying to think if I ever drank heated juice. I don't think so. It says...Don't eat cooked fruit. Say good bye to hot apple pie. Unless you plan to use it like the guy in American Pie. I'm a poet and I didn't know it!!!! LOL, alright not that funny. Says to drink your juice slow. To let it mix with your saliva. It talks about how it is beneficial to go on a three day fruit-fast. It will cleanse the system and your friends will be surprised at how radiant you look. I wonder if it will give you the same radiant look I hear botox and fillers give you. All this is said to have been scientifically proven by Dr. Herbert Shelton. I do truly believe that raw fruits, veggies, and seeds are very beneficial to the body but I'm no Doctor. Even if I poked a little fun at the Debbie email.
After all this food for thought I click right back over to my Pinterest boards. For some reason I'm steering clear of the food board. I think I will check out my exercise boards. I look at all the hot bodies I will never look like. I love the one that says, one week to a rock hard butt.....Bullshit, it's going to take a lot more time than a week to get a butt like the girl that is pinned. I'd like to pin her all right. Pin her ass to a wall and force feed her cheeseburgers.. Can you feel my green eyed monster surfacing???? They say to replace your bad habits with good ones. Like a fruit instead of a cheeseburger. God forbid you ever eat a fruit after a cheeseburger. I think McDonald's got that whole apples and cheeseburger thing wrong. Exercise instead of a cocktail. Can't we just jog to the fridge for a beer and jog to the bathroom after. Maybe jog in place while drink it?????? I really do have good intentions when I pin the exercise stuff. I mean to do it but facebook, Pinterest, emails, shit TV, and Oh yes these people I live with get in the way! It is never my fault of course. Everyone and everything else's fault. As I write this one word comes to mind..... Blake...aka...the know it all. I got an email from a teacher that said he had not turned in some stuff. I took a break around the time he was getting off the bus. I tell him about the email. He says...Oh yeah I know but I turned that in today. As he is saying this I'm saying it to myself in my head. I knew that is what he was going to say word for word. It's safe to say I have heard that one before. He really should come up with a different story. Universe where are those perfect kids I have been asking for???????
I go back to work to have a Pinterest party. I check out all the party ideas that I will never do that I have spent precious time pinning. I imagine myself on the little tree stump stools with the pretty cloth seats. Lights hanging all in the trees and colorful overachievers cupcakes surrounding me. Oh yes and my perfect Pinterest cocktails in ball jars sitting in the cocktail canoe next to me. Bliss!!!! It is a nice thought to be living in your Pinterest world. After this I go back to Facebook. I want to see if anyone has posted anything interesting. Not so much. Facebook is pretty boring lately. Thank God there is not a barf, boring, REALLY, gay, TMI, get a life, or an OH no you didn't button. I bet I would have gotten everyone of those a time or two. So back to Pinterest I got my hair done yesterday. I had pinned a few colors I was going to try. I came back with the same old hair color. I'm a risk taker I tell ya. I did not take a shower today because I didn't want to ruin my perfectly done hair. It will not look like this for at least seven more weeks. That is when my next appointment is! Work is finally coming to an end. No time for Pinterest recipes I will never cook. That's alright after the rotting fruit in my gut visual today. Thank you, Debbie!!!! I think I may need to "Snopes" this fruit shit!!!!
On my way home Debbie calls. My Sister...aka...Twisty totally threw me under the bus. I was slightly poking fun at Debbie with her. I had a good story. I told her not to tell her. That was last night!!!!! I guess she forgot. After I'm on the phone with Debbie for a while complaining about my kids. She says....."I was reading the obituaries the other day, you know how I do that". Um yes, I know how you do it!!!!! Weird right?????? She happened to recognize two of the names. They were the brothers of people she knew. Why is it that older people like to talk about people they know or don't even really know that died????? After we talk about the dead people Debbie reads about stories. I tell her how Aidan....aka....the worry wort broke my garage window. He walks in and says......"I just happen to notice someone broke the garage window". Oh you just happened to notice huh???? Because that shit eating smirk on your face isn't giving you away at all!!!!!! Aidan is the easiest one to read of all these people. I tell him if I check the secret camera's and find out he is a liar he will be in big ass trouble. I tell him there is nothing worst than a liar. He tells the truth and yes I still have them snowed into believing the world they live in is filled with secret cameras! It's alright to call me an evil genius. I kind of like it! Last but not least. Blake called me shortly after I got back to work. He was calling to report the broken window. I love how all these people want to be the bearer of bad news when they are not the guilty one! Sorry again for bad grammar and run-on sentences! If you need me I will be pinning my Pinterest dream pool and imagining my perfect Pinterest body swimming in it! Happy pinning everyone!
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