Missing Grandma

We ended up flying out Saturday to Chicago. Aidan was finally fever free. I had to take Aidan kicking and screaming. Not because he didn't want to go but because he has inherited my crazy overactive imagination. He is scared to death to get on that plane. Now I am scared shitless of flying so we really don't make great travel companions. With much time spent talking Aidan off the ledge and trying to keep myself from going to the ledge we board the plane. I look over at Aidan and he is quietly sitting there with tears in his eyes, shaking, while reading the safety manual. This kills me, he is way to young to carry this kind of stress. I myself spend way to much time worrying about "what ifs". So the entire flight I am talking Aidan out of his worry. Meanwhile what's going on in my head is not pretty. I feel like my brain is spinning and it is really making me dizzy. I can't control my thoughts of what I will do if the plane crashes, wondering what will it feel like, and wondering how I will handle this situation with the kids. Then my thoughts shift to the fact that it will kill my parents since we are flying in for my Grandma's funeral. I start to wonder where will our services be????....Chicago, Dallas, or Austin. I wonder about Blake I think he and Hub's may kill each other without me there. All this craziness makes my head spin. I'm starting to get nauseated, hot, and feeling claustrophobic.


While landing all the sudden the plane shoots up in the air at full speed. The strangest sensation is running through my body. My kids eyes shoot over to me and they look like those cats you see with the giant eyes on those greeting cards. I tell them everything is fine but I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now. I look around to see if the other passengers are as freaked as me. The lady next to me is definitely shaken up. Our eyes meet each other and she also looks at me like one of those cats. The flight attendant sees my face and says everything is alright. Sure it is they are trained to say that. Things seem to settle and damn if it doesn't happen again! I think Oh God this is it! So we end up landing safely and I can't help but wish I was a stoner going through life at ease and not on edge. The funny thing is I am writing this entry as I am sitting back on the plane waiting to take off to go home. All that crazy shit is back in my head. Aidan seems to be alright though. I really do hate to fly and could puke about now.


Anyway back to my original story. After we land in Chicago Dad..aka...Grumps is waiting for us at baggage claim. I always love to see his face. This feeling of safety and comfort comes over me. We drive back to his house. Now we didn't tell my Mom that the little guys were coming. She is in the basement when we get there. The basement that houses every game, toy, and piece of clothing we ever owned. She is finally getting rid of some stuff. The little guys run down to surprise her. She is so happy to see them. Now she is calling me into the basement to show me a skirt I wore in a wedding when I was 26. The damn thing is about the size of my right upper thigh. Thanks Mom...ake...Debbie Downer for that. I would have been fine if I never saw that. Of course I have to try to put it on. The damn thing won't even go over my hips....bullshit I say!!!! Side note....Turbulence sucks....just sayin! I wonder if anyone else on this plane feels like they are about to burst with panic. I really wish I could be put under when I fly and wake up when this shit is over.

When writing this blog I really try to see the humorous side of things. This post is not humorous at all. Since I am writing this for my kids it is important to me to include these thoughts. Sunday Morning Kelly...ake...twisted sister picks me up at 11:30. We head to my Grandma's house to put together picture boards for her wake. I'm choking back the tears as I walk into her house. I see the empty chair sitting in the kitchen. For years when I would walk in the first thing I would always see was her sitting at the kitchen table waiting for us. Her eyes would always light up when she saw us and she was always so happy to see us. I still can't believe she is gone forever. I knew it was coming but it hurts so bad. I find myself trying to recall every memory of her. I wish I could remember everything.


We arrive at the wake and most of the immediate family is already there. Most of us have swollen eyes and look slightly tired. . I'm nervous about walking up to the casket. I really hate seeing people in caskets...it's so final. When I get up there all I can think is I wish I would have told her more how much she meant to me. I'm thinking about the last time I saw her. All I could do is hold her hand, cry, and tell her I love her. I had so much I wanted to say to her but I couldn't get it out without crying. I played in my head what I was going to say to her over and over. Then I start thinking about my childhood trying to recall every moment with her. I spent a lot of time with her as a child. She lived across the street from my school so I went to her house before and after school for years. Those were the happiest days of my childhood. She used to make me mac and cheese every day. I remember when I was old enough to go to my own house I was really disappointed I wouldn't be going to hers anymore. Now I think...why didn't I just keep going. I loved going to her house. She really was my favorite person. She never made me feel bad about myself or sad, she was always so good to me. She always loved me no matter what was going on.


When she first got sick I happened to be on the phone with her. It was right after the Doctor came in to tell her she had cancer. She told me she had just got bad news. After she told me what was going on I started to cry. She said.....Don't cry or worry about me...I should be crying for you and all you have been through. This was so typical of something she would say. After a few weeks went by she had her first chemo treatment. I was on the phone with her and she started to cry. She told me she was in so much pain and she wanted me to pray for her to get better. I knew then it must have been really bad because it was so unlike her to say anything that would make me worry about her. We were going to Chicago in a few weeks and I couldn't wait to get there so I could hug and kiss her. I knew the boys always cheered her up too. I spent the next few weeks sitting on my patio at night after everyone went to bed trying to make deals with God so he would take her cancer away.


We drove to Chicago the last week of June. Grumps was nice enough to make the trip with us. When we got there Grandma had gotten something called C-diff. This meant that the kids could not see her. It also meant that we had to put a gown and gloves on. We could not touch her because she was highly contagious. This was heartbreaking because all I wanted to do was give her a kiss and a hug. The kids didn't see her the first two weeks we were there. They finally got to see her, when they did her eyes just twinkled when they walked in the room. We thought we were finally in the clear and we could visit with children, hugs, and kisses. The C-diff came back though. We did have the kids come up for her 87th B-day. We all celebrated in a private room with family, cake, and presents. It was great because she was so happy that day. The second to the last day we were in Chicago the home she was in made an exception and let the kids come in her room. They had to wear gowns and gloves but they got to say goodbye. We knew that she would not make it till next summer when we came back because she was so sick. I'm thankful that the place she was in recognized this and made an exception. The kids left and I stayed behind to say all those great things I wanted to tell her. Like I said before I could not get any of it out. I sat cried and we held hands through the gloves. She rubbed my hand and told me how much she loved me. I told her how much I loved her and how I hated that she was so sick. When I left that room I felt deflated and just plain depressed.

She got really sick the week before Thanksgiving. It sounded awful, I'm glad I did not see her that way. I did question why someone who was always so good was going through this kind of pain. She passed away on Thanksgiving morning. Now Thanksgiving for me will be the day that I will be thankful that I had the most wonderful Grandma ever. I'm lucky that I had her in my life for so long.

At the wake my cousin Jenny made the most beautiful DVD of all the pictures from her life. It was fun to look back on all the great years and memories we all had with her. Monday morning was her funeral. It was cold and slightly rainy which is exactly how I was feeling. We went back to the place where her wake was to say our final goodbye. The mass was at Immaculate Conception. I went to grade school here. The church looks the same to me. As I'm sitting there I am filled with memories of my childhood. It's funny because I dream a lot at night and a lot of my dreams are about my Grandma's house and Immaculate Conception. I guess because these are some of my greatest memories. I am teary eyed through the entire service. After communion I walk past her casket and I just feel overwhelmed by my emotions. I start that uncontrollable ugly cry. The kind where your whole body is shaking. I just loved her so much and I want more time. It sounds selfish I know but I can be a little selfish unlike her. My sister does a beautiful reading about her and she totally holds it together. She reads something from my Grandma's journal and something my uncle Jimmy wrote about her.

While graveside Cole all of the sudden starts to cry out loud. At first I think is he kidding because he has not cried all day. He was for real, I felt so bad for him. I think it finally hit him hard when he saw them put her in the grave. He really loved my Grandma. I'm so thankful that he got to spend time with her when she was alive.

After the luncheon we head back to Grandma's house. My aunt Margie wanted me to pick out something of hers to take back with me. It feels strange walking around her house looking for something to take. All I want is for her to be there and for everything to stay untouched. I finally settle on a statue of Mary, one of her rosaries, and a crucifix made of match sticks that had been on her wall for as long as I have been around. A few of us our there talking about all the old memories. It's funny thinking she raised so many kids in this house. She always had extra people living there too. Whether it be some relatives or one of the kids friends who was on the outs with their parents. These people were always welcomed in her house with open arms. I wish I was more like Grandma because she was amazing and giving. She was not at all materialistic. Now I am flying home feeling empty inside. My crazy mind is all over the map. I'm again thinking what would it feel like to crash. I can't help it, this kind of stuff freaks me out. I feel just a little more comfort than usual because I have that statue of Mary under my seat with the rosary and the crucifix. Not to mention I have the most amazing angel watching out for me.


While writing this we are flying through turbulence and I am thinking bumps in the road...get a hold of yourself. We only have thirty minutes left in this flight. I would really be pissed if I made it through 90% of this flight and went down in the end. I am going to miss my Grandma more than I can put into words. I'm going to try to be a better person because of her. I'm thankful that I came from somebody so wonderful. I only wish the good things in our lives could last forever. Grandma's should be around forever in a perfect world. I spent a lot of time writing all this on the plane crying. I bet the people around me are wondering what the hell I'm writing about. They are probably thinking I'm a total freak.

I could really write a funny blog about the people on this plane. I'm thinking who are the people that I'm flying with. It's a little jingle running through my head right now. Ten minutes before landing I'm thanking God and Grandma for getting me home safely. Then panic sets in and I think don't count your chickens before they hatch. There is still ten minutes for this bird to go down in flames. I was reading my Grandma's journal last night. I was happy that when she was talking about me she knew I loved her. She was talking about how I went to Germany my first year when my Dad was in the service. She said when I came home I only wanted my Mom. Then she goes on to say that I warmed up to her quick and she became one of my favorite people. She said I would just follow her around all the time. Thank God we landed safely just another two an a half hours wasted on "what ifs".

Thoughts of my day are if a neurologist ever got a hold of this he or she would probably think I would be a great case study for over thinkers.

I wonder how many days I took off my life stressing about flying.

I also wonder if my Grandma is up there with her parents, brothers, my Grandpa, her children she lost, her grandchild she lost, and her friends. It is a comforting thought. I hope there is no pain, no cancer, and lots of love up there. I always hate when people say they can feel their loved ones that passed away. I can't feel her and I want too. I will miss her everyday.