Away at the bar

Scary Kerry's Christmas jingles....Couldn't leave the Daddy's out. This jingle was inspired by the song....Away in a Manger. I call it "away in a bar". By no means does this post mean any disrespect to the song about Jesus! So for your reading pleasure please sing this post to the melody of Away in a manger. Enjoy!

Away in a bar, with a cigar.......

The overworked Dad, played his guitar.....

The drunks at the bar looked down as he played......

They all had the same sad story and sucked down Chardonnay.....

The wife is a calling, the children are still awake.....

So overworked Dad, says....can you give a guy a break.........

Be home a minute if you want to stay.....

If you fuck me over you better pray.......

The overworked Dad he got in his car......

And thought to himself.....Shoulda stayed at the bar.......

Santa Baby

Are you sick of singing scary Kerry Christmas jingles yet????? Well this latest one was inspired by the song...Santa Baby. So for your reading pleasure please sing this post to the melody of Santa baby. Just picture me as Taylor Swift.

Santa Baby, slip a cocktail under the tree, for me......

I've been an awful good mom.....

Santa baby, and hurry with that cocktail tonight........

Santa baby, an out of space convertible too, light blue......

I need to get the hell out of here.......

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Think of all the fun I've missed.....

All the frog's I could have kissed......

Next year I could be Oh so good......

If you'd up my X-mas gift.......

Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and that's....

Not a lot.....

I've been run ragged all year.......

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight........

Santa Cutie, there's one thing I really do need.....

A wife....

She would save my life.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Santa baby, I'm kind of losing my mind tonight.....

I'm sick and tired of all the fights.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Come and take the kids from me......

I swear you will not know their there.....

I really do believe in you.....

Now lets see if you come through....

Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight.....

Santa baby, forgot to mention one thing, this ring......

Who knew that shit would come with a zoo.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight...

hurry with that cocktail tonight...

hurry with that cocktail tonight.........

Here comes Christmas break

Next we have yet another jingle from the collection of Scary Kerry's holiday rock. With this post you'll want to sing it to the melody of...Here comes Santa Claus!

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break........

Like a sword going though my brain......

Blake, Cole, and Aidan and all their friends.....

Give me bulging veins.....

Fights are erupting, children complaining.....

I feel like fainting......

My sanity is out the door, I'm saying prayers.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight.......

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break....

Like a sword through my brain.....

I got a glass that's full of beer........

to help get through the night......

Hear those voices in my head go Jingle Jangle.....

Oh what a scary sight.......

So jump in bed and act like your dead.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight....

Here comes Christmas break, here comes Christmas break...

Like a sword through my brain....

It doesn't matter if your rich or poor.......

It all sucks the same....

Christmas break knows, anyone with children........

Is not going to be quite right........

So fill your glass with plenty of beer.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight.........

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break......

Like a sword through my brain.....

He'll come around when your head is ringing out.....

It's Christmas morn again......

Peace in the house will come to all.....

If we make it through the fights......

So give thanks to the lord above........

Because Christmas break ends tonight!!!!!!!!!

.

MaMa, the housewife

Hope your enjoying this collection of Scary Kerry holiday insanity songs. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane this Christmas break. If you could see me writing them that is the funny part. I sing them, I giggle, and my hub's says I look ridiculous. This latest one is inspired by the song "Frosty the snowman". When I rewrote it and put my evil genius stamp on it, I called it...."Mama, the housewife". For your reading pleasure Please sing while you read this to the Frosty the snowman melody. It's sure to brighten your day.

Mama, the housewife, was not a jolly, happy soul......

With a kid over here and a kid over there......

She felt like she could blow......

Mama, the housewife, is no fairy tail...they say....

She was mad as HELL and the children knew to stay the HELL away.....

There must have been some magic in that beer she shot gunned down........

For when she finished, she began to dance around.......

Oh Mama, the housewife, was as buzzed as she could be....

And the children say they no longer had that fear.......

As long as Mama had a beer......

Thumpety, Thump, Thump, Thumpety, Thump, Thump......

Look at Mama go.......

Thumpety, Thump, Thump, Thumpety, Thump, Thump......

Check out that pyramid grow.....

Mama, the housewife, knew the night was getting late......

So she said...."This better be my last, or I'll just go to my ass"....

Up the stairs she went....with that beer in her hand......

Running here and there, shit is everywhere.....

Sayin.......I can barely frickin stand........

She yelled as loud as she could, get your ass in bed, or I'll give it a pop.......

They tried to escape for a moment and come back down the stairs.......

Then they heard her holler....STOP...........

For Mama the housewife, hadn't had enough that day....

But she kissed them goodnight, saying....Don't you cry....I'll be drunk again some day.......

I hope that everyone reading this knows I'm just poking fun at the craziness of Christmas break. I feel I should say I love my kids and don't get drunk off my ass all holiday season. CHEERS!

Let it go, Let it go, let it flow......

I'm on a roll here people! These people I live with have finally drove me off the edge. So here is another Scary Kerry X-mas song of X-mass break insanity. With this one you will have to hum the tune "let it snow, let it snow, let it snow while singing this blog!

I call this one....Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow

Oh the feeling in my house is frightful........

But my cocktail is so delightful.......

And since I have no place to go.....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow....

They don't show signs of stopping.......

My head is kind of popping......

The lights are turned down way low....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow...

When I finally say...."This ain't right".....

How I hate weathering this storm......

But if I hold my jaw down tight.....

Oh my gosh this beers getting warm....

I feel like I could be dying.....

Oh my they are still flying.......

But as long as I have a beer....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow.......

For all you stay at Mom's out there....Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow!

Oh Christmas break

This is another fine Christmas song from the vault of Scary Kerry insanity songs! If I could sing I would record these. To make the most of this song you will have to sing the tune.."Oh Christmas tree" while reading it.

I call this one....Oh Christmas break

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.......

You came so fast is this a mistake....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break......

I feel fear like when summers here.....

I have a feeling I'll be kicking some rear....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

I feel myself unraveling.....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Did I really give these people birth.....

It would explain this middle girth....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.....

I don't know how much more I can take....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

The farts and burps smell nice and ripe...

Haven't gotten through a day without a fight....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Oh how karma messed with me....

These people I live with don't flush their pee....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

They are just so rowdy.......

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas Break.....

you fill my head with lots of ache.....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.....

Tired of hearing it's no fair.....

It's causing me to blurt a few swears......

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Two weeks to go......

I may just blow.............

Lushy Grandma

Now it's the time of the year where I have pleasure re-writing songs and poems of Christmas. It helps me deal with the holiday stresses. This one came to me after we had a little situation in our neighborhood this week. Without naming names or going into great detail I came up with this little jingle. I know I always preach on here not to be judgmental. Unfortunately I find myself being slightly Judgmental on this post. What can I say except I am a work in progress.
Lushy Grandma

Someones bushes got run over by drunk Grandma.......

Driving drunk from her house Monday night......

You might say there's no such thing as lushy Grandma's.....

But as for me and my neighbors we believe...........

She'd been drinking too much vodka.....

The neighbor saw her and told her not to go......

But since she was out of vodka.....

She swerved down the street and hit a pole.....

When they found her at the liquor store....

There were cracks all on her car.....

A big scratch across the door....

This time this Grandma went too far......

Someones hydrant got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night....

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's....

But as far as me and my neighbors we believe.....

Now were all so disappointed in drunk Grandma.....

She's not taking jail so well....

She's in there with the shakes.....

It's sad she can't remember....So she's thinking what the hell....

It's not cocktail hour without drunk Grandma.....

It's ashame she kept on going....

Still we just can't help but wonder....

What she looked like blowing.....

Someones bushes got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night....

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's.....

But as for my neighbors and me we believe

Now the sad thing about this fable....

Fifteen minutes later....she could have killed a kid.....

So lets put all the cards on this table.....

A lot of people would have flipped their lids.....

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.....

There's a lushy Grandma that drives our streets.....

They should never give a license...

To a Grandma that sucks down vodka and gets three sheets....

Someones hydrant got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night...

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's....

But as for me and my neighbors we believe......

This post is pushing the envelope a little bit. I hope it is a reminder to people not to drive drunk in the holiday season. A taxi is a lot cheaper than a drunk driving arrest. Be safe during the holiday season and have fun.

WARNING....THIS IS NOT A POST FOR SOMEONE WITHOUT HUMOR OR THE JUDGEMENTAL....THIS IS A JOKE!

WARNING.....TURN BACK IF YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR OR ARE JUDGMENTAL AT ALL! THIS POST IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND IT IS A JOKE!





So since it's Christmas time I have been going through X-mas songs and poems. I'm trying to put the scary Kerry....aka...evil genius stamp on them. This will not be my X-mas card poem but I had lots of fun writing it! It is mastered after the song "walking in a Christmas wonder land.





I call it "walking in a housewife fantasy land"





My head rings......


Are you listening......


In the light.....


My eyes are glistening......


A scary sight.....


I'm half drunk tonight......


Walking in housewife fantasy land....





Gone away is my sanity....


Here to stay is my fantasy.....


He looks like a Vamp....


I act like a tramp.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land....





In the meadow I scream please bite me.....


Then pretend that I am Bella Swan....


He'll say.....Are you married....


I'll say....Hell yeah.....


But you can do the dirty job.....


When your in town.....





Later on.....


I'll perspire....


As I dream I'm on fire......


To face the unafraid......


In the bed that I've made.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land....





In the meadow I scream please help me......


The Werewolf will show to save my life!.......


I'll pretend my life is not that scary....


And kid myself that I am not a wife......





When he shows.....


ain't it thrilling.....


That Vamp gives me a chilling......


We'll frolic and play......


in the not so nice way.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land!!!!!!!



So like I said not for the judgemental people out there! I know you read it anyway put your gavel's away, I warned you! More Scary Kerry Christmas poems and songs to come. If I could sing worth a shit I would totally record myself singing this crazy crap!

Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.

Super size me

So today I got up at 7am. Got the two little ones out the door. Not with out a fight first. Aidan had left his shoes in a neighbors yard the day before. I told him he had to wear another pair. When I say he freaked out it is an understatement. This is the most peculiar child I have. He has to wear certain color clothes, certain color socks, a certain jacket, and a certain pair of shoes. So here we are yelling like two toddlers at each other. He ends up running down the street with no shoes and no coat in the freezing cold to get this certain pair of shoes. When he comes back he is crying that he is freezing. No shit Sherlock, should have just put on the other perfectly fine shoes!

I get the cranky teenager up not once but three times. I have to take him to school today since I need to be up there for some boosters work. Now everyone who knows me knows I'm no morning sunshine. I like to go back to bed after I get these kids out the door. As much as I like to give back these morning volunteer jobs are for the birds. On my way back from the school I'm surprised at how energized I feel. Maybe I should try and be a morning gal....I would get a whole hell of a lot more done.

I get back to the house with my egg Mac muffin, giant tater tot. and large Dr. Pepper. I watch a little shit TV and head out for some Xmas shopping. While at the mall I'm trying to find an outfit for a Xmas party this weekend. I'm in Macy's and have a handful of dresses. I walk into the dressing room and its like I'm walking the hall of shame. For I know I have super sized my ass this football season. There is a three way mirror and florescent lights in there. God help me! I get my clothes off and there I stand in my underwear horrified at what I see. I don't see my ass at home...ignorance is bliss. Ya see that giant crazy super size gross looking burger picture I posted on here.......Well lets just say it looks like I have one on each ass cheek. The texture of my ass is about like those tater tots. Oh I have super sized it all right! Not to mention it looks like I have two under my bra strap and about five in the belly. I seriously want to cry....why does it suck so bad getting old. I can hear the people in my skinny life past saying.......this shits going to catch up with you. Are you people happy????? You know who you are!!!!! So I walked out of there with NOTHING but my super sized ass. You ever have one of the moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button and start over????? Well I was having one right now. I would like to rewind to ass before 40!

After that I do some shopping for the kids and my nieces. Oh and yes I stop and buy a pair of Spanks for the first time ever in my life! I walk the walk of shame to go pay for these suckers. I'm planning on living in them. I stop at a taco place and get two tacos......Super size me! Hub's calls while I'm in the car on the way home. I'm telling him what I got the kids. He is like do we really need that.....Do we really have to get that......Will they really use that.....how much was that.......What's our Xmas budget.......They don't need that.......They won't use that.....can we try to keep it low this year!!!!!! I say.....ya know what GRINCH.......you make Xmas NO fun! You do this every year. He says.....And every year you don't listen! I'm thinking than why do you keep complaining! So I tell him.....I'll tell you what.....I'm done....you do Xmas! You tell the kids they don't need what they have asked for and it is stupid and they won't use it. You do it all.....because I don't want to be questioned about any of it! This is work for God's sake. So we hang up. I get a text when I get home that says....your not mad are you???? I text back.....Not at all Santa! Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Just saying!

After I get home I find myself walking around the house saying....knee's to chest.....knee's to chest. And yes I walk around the entire night doing knee's to chest. I look crazy but it is what it is. I blame the three mirror and the bad lighting. I'm in my room later wrapping gifts and putting them under the tree. The little guys love to see the gifts go under the tree. They crazy love to look for their name and shake the shit out of them trying to guess what it is. Cole comes in my room with one of Aidan's gifts. He says...look Mom Aidan tried to rip this one to see what it was. Sure enough there is a rip. I call Aidan in and he swears up and down he did not rip this. I look at both of them and say.....I guess I have to check my secret cameras. Cole right away says...alright it was me trying to get him in trouble. I don't know how I have rode this secret camera train for so long......oh yes I do....someone folds every time without ever testing me to see if I really know! See it might just not pay to have the smartest children. So all you honor roll parents out there can suck it at least I know what bad shit these kids are doing. BTW, totally jealous of you honor roll parents it just made me feel better to tell ya to suck it. I'm putting the two little guys to bed later. I rub their backs every night and then talk to them for a while. While I'm talking to Cole I'm doing sit-ups. He starts to do sit ups. I do 50, he does 250. Then he says....I kind of showed you up huh! So I sucker punched him! Well not really but it crossed my mind.

After my 50 sit-ups I'm trying to get their clothes out for the am. We are transitioning from warm to cold here now. Cole and I are trying to find jeans that fit him. I'm overwhelmed by the clothes and shoes in my house. I have all of Blake's old clothes and shoes plus I have a few friends that gave me hand me downs. I really need to go through all of this. I find a drawer that has four pairs of jeans that fit him.....hallelujah! I can hear the angels singing! After that I go downstairs to get my self cleaned up. While taking off my make-up and brushing my teeth I run in place! I want no part of this super size shit! I just wish I had about six weeks till this party. I get on the computer and pull up my new favorite thing......feedit. Like I said before this tells me how readers get to my blog. While most are friends and family there are at least five good "googlers" that come across it everyday. I only wish I could see their face when they land here. Today's top favorites are......

1......Is there something wrong with me if I yell at a plant?????? I just wish I had secret cameras in this persons house. I would love to hear what they yell at that plant.

2.....famous penises......Their spelling is about as good as mine! If you can't spell penis you probably shouldn't be googling it! My overactive imagination takes over about now, so now I'm thinking about a famous penis. The only one that comes to mind is....Tommy Lee! Who know!

3.....Boys are stupid throw rocks at them. HaHa, totally agree, I can think of a few I would throw a rock at!

4.....My sister farts all the time........I hear you google person, mine does too!

5.....There's only one queen. I know exactly why this person landed on my blog......There's only one queen and that queen would be me! Secretly wondering if this may be a gay guy googling this.

Thanksgiving, 2011, tis the season!

Thanksgiving has come and gone once again. Since we have moved to Austin we have no family around. This can make the holidays a little sad. Not to mention my Grandma died on Thanksgiving last year. Growing up Irish catholic holidays were filled with good food and lots of family. I miss those days. I wish my kids could grow up with those same kind of holiday memories. So Wednesday morning I wake up around nine. I know that is early for me. I feel slightly overwhelmed because for the first time ever I have to do all the cooking myself. The last couple years we celebrated Thanksgiving with some other families, we split the cooking. This year everyone has their own plans. I end up cooking from nine till six. After that I got all the Xmas stuff down to decorate and washed all the floors! Oh and yes I am tooting my horn about now. I had to wash the floors because after I cooked it looked like a bomb went off in the kitchen. I should have taken a picture of it. While I cooked all day I listened to the sound of holiday music and danced around the kitchen. I sang happily at the top of my lungs. I felt total inter peace! Tis the season! Alright so I'm totally lying! It went more like......While I cooked I listened to the kids fight over the TV and anything else they possibly could. I cussed to myself the whole day. I was covered in flour and butter. I had never got out of my PJ's and I kind of looked like death warmed over. I spent my day yelling at the top of my lungs at the kids to stop fighting. I felt total blood pressure spikes all day. Then the on line shopping started for them. They were getting together their Xmas list. I swear technology can be a torn in my side. The kids find shit on line that they would never know existed. Tis the season!
After I cooked mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, homemade mac&cheese, homemade stuffing, two pies, and one cake I get the turkey out. I clean all the shit out of the insides and almost puke in my mouth. I get the Turkey in the pan and for some reason it just cracks my ass up. I don't know if all the cooking has gone straight to my head or if the kids have finally sent me over the edge. I call Cole over to take funny pictures of him and me with the turkey. He is all for the turkey fun! I'm laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. I also take a pic on my camera phone and send it to my family. My Dad...aka...text back and tells me I finally made his screen saver. I don't think I have ever made his screen saver. Ella.....aka....the golden jerk has been on there since she was born. I call Blake...aka...nasty teenager down. I just know he is going to think this is funny. I think I'm going to get a laugh or a smile out of his newly smug face. So he comes down doesn't crack a smile at all. He says....what is your problem your acting like a child???? I tell him to get behind the turkey so I can get his picture. He is having no part of this. He looks at me as if I'm smoking crack in the kitchen and goes back upstairs never to be seem for hours again. Hub's comes in after work as I'm washing the floors. Thank God he did not see the kitchen an hour ago since he is anal boy. I say....your not going to believe all the stuff I got done today. He looks at me and says......Talk to me when you get up at 5am and work all day!!!!!! He is extra grumpy being in the retail business during the holidays. Wrong thing to say to someone who cooked, cleaned, did laundry, listened to kids fight, ran the dishwasher three times, and had everything looking great! Plus I'm in mental pause, what is he thinking. Doesn't he realize my head can spin, I can spit fire and spray green shit like the exorcist over something far much less than that awful insult. I found myself fantasizing about being one of those taken care of women. If that were the case I would be having botox shot in my forehead while my personal assistant cooked for the 50 people I'm flying in to my home in the Hampton's for Thanksgiving. My rich ass Hub's would be flying in late because he is busy closing billion dollar deals and banging his secretary before he flies in. This would be alright with me because I would have unlimited funds and she would do all the dirty work for me! My fantasy is cut short when Aidan...aka...worry wort walks by with his fifth change of clothes for the day! I look at him and say....why the heck are you in yet another outfit. All the other clothes are scattered around the house and the driveway for me to pick up. He looks at me and says...I don't know! I say....boy do you have any idea how many loads of laundry I do in week???? He says...No! I say...well let me tell you, so much that often times I feel like a gerbil in wheel, a gerbil that wants to get the hell off the wheel. He looks at me like I have three heads and says.....Sorry! This gerbil thing totally went over his head!
So being a Mom of three boys means I'm the only one who has any interest in putting up X-mas! Well Aidan wants to do some of the fun stuff. Like put ornaments on the tree. The problem is he cluster fucks them all in the same spot. This for me means more work. I have to go behind him and move them around! For some reason this is not the fantasy I had as a child. I pictured a family all in matching Xmas sweaters and Santa hats decorating the tree together. We would sing Xmas songs and sip eggnog....mine would be spiked of course! Tis the season!
While we decorated Hub's spent time with his best friend apple. Blake played Xbox and we never saw him all night. Cole watched ESPN and imagined himself as a pro football player. Aidan all of the sudden is on the couch with a low grade fever! Wouldn't be the holidays if someone didn't have fever. Hub's is starting to feel guilty about his insensitive comment. He keeps trying to tell me what a great job I have done. I'm having no part of this. Every time he says something I follow it up with a.....Well I don't get up at 5am and work all day! Even though I can really care less at this point because I have finally realized men are from Mars and women are Venus I'm going to ride this puppy. For this for me means one less thing to do tonight if you know what I mean! Tis the season!
So Thanksgiving morning rolls around way too early! I was up till one am making Xmas in this house for the ingrates. I have to wake up to get this giant bird cooking. I get up soak a cheese cloth in butter and herbs and lay it over my bird. I say goodbye to my bird tell him it's been fun and go back to bed.
The house turned out beautiful. Tooting my own horn again since these people I live with don't! We going to have some last minute guest for Thanksgiving which makes me so happy. My friend Patty and her family were going to go out of town but since her son has a playoff game the next day the are stuck here. Like I said this makes me so happy. Good friend and good conversation! Plus I'm not stuck by myself with these people I live with all day! God love them...tis the season!
Can't believe I got all this done in one day! I kind of feel like a mom rock star! Totally tooting my own horn again!
Thanksgiving went off without a hitch. Everything turned out great. All the food was good and the Turkey was moist! The boys all watched football all day. Patty and I looked through shopping flyers and talked about how bad it sucks getting old. Another set of our friends stopped over after their dinner and the day was good! I did miss spending the holidays with my family but it is what it is. Tis the season.

Today in Chicago they had a mass for my Grandma that I of course could not attend. I decided to go to the 5 o'clock mass here in her honor. It felt good to be in church even though at one point I had tears streaming down my face. I bet the people around me were wondering what the heck my problem was. The priest said they are going to have a mass in two weeks for people suffering from chronic disease. Maybe I'm there for a reason...I'm totally going to this mass. I'm going to pray as hard as I can that God will take the MS away from me. For I have no time to deal with a disease like this. I'm too busy taking care of these people I live with. When I was a kid I believed God could take care of everything. I want to get back to that kind of belief again, I want to be the one to say I experienced a miracle. Damn I can be so sappy sometimes! Missing my Grandma this holiday season. I have once again been dreaming about her and her house like crazy. The sappy side of me would like to think it's her telling me she is still around. Tis the season. Sorry for bad grammar and mis-spellings.....too tired to proof read! Hope everyone had a great holiday!

We are the champions!

Saturday Morning we headed out to fuckitsfarville for Cole to play in the championship game for football. Aidan and him have a very love hate relationship. They remind me of a married couple. Aidan was his biggest fan at this game! I love to see that.
We had only lost one game by one point all season and it was to this team. They had one of the most obnoxious parents I had ever seen on this team. She literally screamed loud through the entire game. Through a mega phone thing. She looked like a dude and sounded like one too. I wanted to throw something at her. The first time we played them she paced around screaming beating a metal fence with a can full of dried beans. We ended up beating them by one touchdown. We became the division one champs and Cole was as happy as he could be.
Cole crazy loves football. A few weeks before I was laying in bed talking to him. He told me his dream is to be a running back. He also told me he is not fast enough to do this. I told him never say never. He said Dad told me you either have it or you don't. I told him he is still young and you never know what can happen. So I went down stairs to make lunches, put snacks in backpacks, go through school stuff, and get clothes and shoes ready for the am. Gerbil in a wheel, just saying! I go back up to check on everyone after about an hour. I find Cole asleep with a notebook on his chest. Of course I read it. It goes something like this......

Cole's Game Plan

1.Running back.....run up and down the stars(guessing that means stairs) 10 times. Sprint whole time.

2....running back...practice stants and taking hand offs.

3....wide receiver.....practice catching with one hand ten times. Then catch with two hands 20 times.

4....running back....spin moves, break tackle, and juke moves

5....running back...run 100 yards without stopping, no jogging just sprinting.

6....D-fence....rap up and take down.

7....kick field goals 20 times. Kick one angle 5 times.

Then the funnest thing is he writes....PS.....music playing the whole time to motivate.
I can't tell you how happy I was to see this kid with stars in his eyes win this! The joy in his eyes was the thing that makes being a gerbil in a wheel not that bad! To say I am proud is an understatement. It made all the inconvenient practices, fighting in the car, getting up way too early on Saturdays, and super sizing my ass with fast food all worth it!
I kind of love this picture! Hate their buzz haircuts but love this pic.
The teenager came with us. He fell asleep on the bleachers which is typical of him. Glad to see two other teenagers did the same thing.

So when I found that notebook I came across another entry that must have been made a while ago. It went something like this......

Aidan becomes on our team.

I made a plan with Aidan and Brianna. and the plan was that Aidan will ask Zoe if she loves him. Me and Brianna will go down stairs to spy on this. We will see what Zoe says. Guess what she said YES! Then Zoe turned around and sol us. She got mad and went home! Oh young love!!!!!!

So this week happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. The kids got out of school this week on Tuesday. They want to have friends spend the night! All three of them. Blake has two middle school kids here, Aidan has a friend over, and Cole couldn't find anyone. I feed everyone and make my grocery list for Thanksgiving dinner. The middle school kids head to the store with me. While at the grocery store I get a text from hub's. It says.....I'm tired of being "the house". This is not fair to me. After tonight I would appreciate you getting my input on friends staying here. I have to work in the am. This is too much. I'm tired of cleaning up after everyone. I'm exhausted. I have to laugh at this! He goes to bed early and never deals with sleepovers. What is he talking about!!!! Tired of cleaning up after everyone...is he for real???? This happens to be the story of my life! I'm going to get is ass a T-shirt that says....Grinch! Just yesterday I called him and said I want a real tree this year. I want to smell X-mas in the house. He says...I hate real trees! I say why. He says.....They are a pain in ass and a fire hazard. Not to mention the mess they make. I say our children are a fire hazard and they make way more of a mess than a tree ever can!!!!!!! Still working on this!

So anyway I'm at the local HEB-grocery store shopping for Thanksgiving. With three middle school boys who find it funny to yell "Kerry" at me from a few aisles over. I don't know if it's because it is Thanksgiving but the grocery store is filled with lots of interesting people. I saw a dude with his hairy ass butt crack hanging out. Truth be told I couldn't take me eyes off of it. Now I am a frequent flyer a the grocery store. I have never come across people like this there! It is like the Walmart people who we all love. Another thing I noticed is Hello lots of single hot guys! Really any single lady forget the bars.....shop the grocery store on a holiday week! Where the hell were these guys when I was single?????? So I'm in the check out line with two hundred dollars worth of Thanksgiving! All I can say is Thank God Hub's has a good job. There is a token hot guy in line behind me making small talk with me. All the sudden there is this scream of...Hey Kerry...Mom are you done yet! I turn around to yell "yes" I'm checking out! Back to reality!

So this week I have been trying to put together X-mas for these people I live with. Sad thing is since I'm the only girl no one has any interest in helping. I put out all the outside lights and I'm now working on the inside. It sucks! It has become yet another project I don't want to do. Funny thing is when I first got married I couldn't wait to have a house to decorate for the holidays. This is the thing I dreamed about as a child! Shit is overrated for sure. Yes, it's nice when it is all said and done. I'm secretly wishing I had a house manager to make it all nice!

I picked up my kids the other day from school. Aidan looks at me and says....Can you imagine if you could hear everything people were thinking about you. I say...that would suck! Thinking about all the things I have thought about people while talking to them. He says...yeah I'm glad we can't because I would not want to think about the bad things they are thinking. I say... why are you worried because no one would think anything bad of you. He says...I bet they would. I say..what could anyone possibly think bad of you?????? He says.. They could think I'm not smart enough, or think I look funny, Or think I'm not that good at sports, or think I'm a dork. He says he thinks his feelings would be hurt if he could hear what people thought! I have always thought Aidan was an old soul. I never really thought about stuff like this till I got way older. Now I know through experience that people love to talk shit! It never really hit me till I was in my 30's I always thought if someone was my friend they would never talk bad about me. In my older years I realize it is never safe to walk out of the room. It makes me sad that he gets this at such a young age! Now don't get me wrong I'm not at all saying I'm all not at fault, I have done my fair share of shit taking too. It just makes me sad that an eight year old gets this!

Anyway, trying to get together Thanksgiving and X-mas! Sad that I no longer live by family! For if I lived by either family I could not do shit and just show up! Since Hub's works in the world of retail we are stuck by ourselves to fend for ourselves. Growing up Irish catholic makes me want to to put on the best Thanksgiving! Damn it, I can be an overachiever for sure! Laughing as I write that, I'm lying for sure! Definitely not overachieving when it comes to working out! I was thinking about this today. If I was normal height I would be all good. Damn it if God didn't make me short! If I was an average height of 5"6 I would look hot! In a perfect world I would be stretched.

Wishing my Grandma didn't die on Thanksgiving last year! I miss her like crazy. In a perfect world Grandmas would live forever. once again sorry for miss-spellings and bad grammar....too tired! This kid that Aidan had spend the night has jumping beans in is pants and is moving furniture as I write!

Breaking Dawn

So anyone who knows me or who follows this blog knows I'm a huge Twilight fan. This past Thursday Breaking Dawn was shown at midnight. This is the forth movie and the first one that I decided to see at midnight. My friend Erin invited me to go. Since she has a teenage daughter we were all good! My sister aka...Twisty has seen all the movies at midnight. She told me it is great people watching getting there way early waiting for your show. I'm so excited, I even brought my camera because I just knew there would be Twilight crazies to take pics with. Not so much! I found myself sitting in the hallway of the movie theater with a bunch of teenage girls! There were no crazies, no Twi hards, nothing out of the ordinarily to look at. Disappointed for sure.
So I ended up there with my two girlfriends and their teenage daughters. First we thought we would be smart and park as far away from the theater as possible. We just knew there would be a huge line to get out of here. For it would be filled with TWI hards. Could have had front row parking but we just knew we were ahead of the game. We get in and let the girls go get a bite to eat while we hold the place in line. We end up in-between some teenagers. The girls come back from eating and relieve us to go eat. I brought my little Edward doll to dinner with us figuring everyone would have Edward and Jacob dolls with them. Not so much, I might have been the only one. I have a little fun with him at dinner. I pose him with the bacon since he only eats animals....unless of course your a bad guy! Didn't remember him ever eating anything but animals but in this film I found out he feast on bad guys too. I did in fact read all the books. BTW, those bacon things you see are bacon wrapped dates with blue cheese! Total party in the mouth. I think you could wrap almost anything in bacon and it might just taste good. I feel Edward might like a placenta wrapped in bacon. As I wrote this I just puked in my mouth. Sometimes sucks having an overactive imagination.
My friend Erin posed him with the calamari sauce saying he loves blood. We laughed probably because we were having a cocktail at this time. Just doesn't seem that funny now. So we finish our food and drinks, we head back to the theater. I secretly hope I'm going to see some TWI hards when we go back. We get back in and the girls have ours seats. Which by the way rock, kudos to those girls. I get settled and look around for some good people watching. What I see is a theater full of teenage girls, a few middle age women and about fourteen dudes. Now the dudes are clearly there because their in a new relationship and are just trying to get some. The movie is awesome!!!! My only complaint is the sex scene could have been better! For Gods sake we waited four books for this!!!!! So we get out and all those people with the front parking spots are long gone before we run to our super far one. Even though I get home at 2:30 it takes me two more hours to fall asleep. Thank God I told Hub's he needed to get everyone up and out the door in the am.

So would I do a midnight Twilight movie again???? Hell yes! Even though I was disappointed by the people watching it got me out of bedtime and putting out!

So anyway I'm way behind on this blog. I totally skipped over Halloween which I happen to be the queen of! I skipped a lot of Twisty's visit, and my in law's coming to town, nasty homework, and crazy conversations with these people I live with.

My brain just is working against me lately. My doctor says it's my MS. When you have this your brain just works funky. I get it now because I have tons of stuff in the fire and can't concentrate on one. I feel like a bee trying to pollinate too many flowers at once. I rarely talk about this because I try to tell myself I'm fine. Ignorance is bliss for sure.

I have not been in the mood to write at all. I have not been in the mood for anything still. I have a bottle of happy pills sitting in my purse that my doctor gave me. The side effects are you may feel euphoric. Euphoric, I only remember feeling that one time in my life. It was after my third my child was born. I got home from the hospital and felt this overwhelming feel of pure joy. Even though I had not planned him and cried through six months of pregnancy I felt totally complete when I got home for the first time in my life. It was crazy!!!! Later I thought why did Hub's and I out number ourselves????? We are domed for sure.

Anyway I came across an ancient Chinese secret. Always wanted to say that!!! I have tried every skin cream known to man...well not really but a lot. I got some almond oil for eight bucks and have been putting that on my face the last few weeks. Almond oil is supposed to be good for your hair but I test everything on my face. Let me tell you throw all those expensive skin creams away because this is the way to go if your older with combo or dry skin. My skin sucks this stuff up like a sponge. My skin feels soft in the am. I have tried like hell to sleep on my back fearing wrinkles. I just can't do it. I have nightmares on my back. Every time I say that out loud Hub's laughs as if I'm crazy but I do. So this almond oil should help those crinkles!

Last but not least I have been obsessively checking my feedjet again not because I want to know where readers are coming from. It is because of the "google" people that come across this blog.

number one this week is.......Kerry Kane Cavender USA........I just want to meet the poor soul who googled this......secretly hoping it is Brendan Odonell.....For this is the boy I loved from third grade till eight that never spoke one word to me. Bitter???? Maybe!

number two.....and I know my spelling is bad but this takes the cake.....girls poop together in their buats!!!!!!! Did he/she mean butts?????? What girls poop together in their buats anyway??? I'm happy to say that this craziness came from a country I never heard of!

Still here trying like hell to eat right and work out! Why are the cheeseburgers so easy to eat??? I'm a gerbil in a wheel for sure, get the kids up, get them to school, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, pick them up, drive them around, cook dinner, put them to bed, put out, and start over! Easy button???? You really are not there!

Sign wars!

Any of you who follow this blog know I have a crazy ass neighbor. So the other day I'm out in my backyard helping my kids build a football goal post out of pvc pipe. I know what your thinking....what a great mom I am! I have my moments. Truth be told I'm building this to get them the hell out of my house! This will cause then to spend hours out there trying to get the football through the thing. This for me means shit TV time for me. The crazy ass neighbor gets drunk off his ass every night and blast music. While I'm out there working he puts on....She's a black magic women. I start to dance around and sing because I can see him peeking at me through the fence. He then changes the music to a christian station. This always cracks me up. Maybe he should listen to what the Christians are singing about. A little time goes by and I hear something. I turn around and he is nailing a smiley face to his trellis facing my house.

This is a picture of his fence that faces my house. He added another smiley face.

He also has a private property sign and one that says....It's too loud your too old. Another neighbor called the police on him a few nights ago because his music was blaring. I guess he thinks it was us because that sign went up the next day.

While doing some after Halloween shopping I came across this cardboard Frankenstein. I know I'm just bending down to his level by putting it in my window facing his house. Four years of this shit had gotten old. I want to piss him off too now. I'll take him down when he takes his shit down.

Later that night I go back to the yard to put up the field goal. There are now two smiley faces back there. I guess he is getting drunk making these things to hang. The signs really don't bother me. It's the barking at me from over the fence, It's the fact that he yells "fuck you" at me when he sees me, and the fact that he gets a camera out and takes pictures of me while I'm in my yard. What makes me the most mad is he scares and intimidates my kids. He keeps their balls if they go over the fence and then calls the police. We were at a German fest this past weekend. BTW, he is German with a strong German accent. No offence to Germans I happen to be German too. My youngest son passes a booth where they are selling balls. He looks at me and says....Why are they selling balls here, Germans hate balls! I say only the German next door hates balls. It's sad that he thinks Germans hate balls but this is what he has grown up with.

Blake...aka...the nasty ass teenager! Comes home from school and wants to get some new Xbox game. He has the money but he needs a ride. I tell him he has to vacuum the whole house first. To my surprise he moved chairs to vacuum. I'm shocked to tell you the truth.

Aidan....aka...pig pen!!!!! This kid insist on wearing white all the time! I'm going to start buying his clothes at the salvation army. Kid has a closet full of non white clothes but manages to come down in white everyday! This would be fine if he wasn't such a pig pen.

So I'm walking over to my other neighbors house and I see this in my neighbor....aka...the Germs driveway. Kind of looks like a body in a body bag. I walk into the other neighbors house and say....the Germ has a body in a body bag in his driveway as a joke of course. My neighbor starts to laugh because when he got home he told his wife the same thing. Sad thing is they have their house on the market because of him.

There is this thing on my blog called feedjit. While my sister..aka..Twisty was here a few weeks ago she told me you can click on that to see how people are getting to your blog. I thought most people were friends and family who read this. I guess when people "google certain things it brings them to my blog. I have become obsessed with clicking on this. Not because I'm wondering where my readers come from. It is because there is always something that cracks my ass up on there. So here are my top ten favorites this week. And yes this is only one week of crazies!

1.....Brown seed like things in my bed and on my clothes when I wake up. Don't know why this brought them to my blog. I have never woken up with brown seed like things in my bed! Though in my younger years I once woke up with something that I might have rather had brown seed like things! Now I find myself thinking about what the hell and why the hell someone is waking up with brown seeds in their bed!!!!!

2.....What time do hillbillies go to bed. Really what kind of crazy ass googles this!!!! Everyone knows hillbillies go to bed when the moonshine runs out!

3.....I fucked my Berlin neighbor. Really you google that???? Why do you have to google that after you do something like that? My crazy overactive mind starts to think...is this person married screwing their Berlin neighbor. What is their story I want to know. What I want to know more is why that google brought them to my blog.

4....Does something happen to you if you eat boogers? Now I know what brought them to my blog on this one. I brainwashed my kid into thinking he would turn green if he ate one and blogged about it. What I am thinking is what gross person is googling this question. Does he or she have a booger in their mouth while they google??? Food for thought!

5......Anal, 2011! Now I know exactly why this person landed on my blog by googling anal 2011. It's because I call Hub's anal boy. Bet they were slightly disappointed when they landed here. I have a feeling this was not what they were looking for.

6.....Tighty whities in the rain. Once again I know what brought them to my blog. I once blogged about my Dad...aka..Grumps waiting for me after a late night out in his tighty whities. Once again I believe this googling person was disappointed when they landed here.

7....GD physicals. Now I agree physicals suck but would never use Gods name in vein. I can cuss like a sailor which drives Grumps crazy but I never mess with Gods name. Wondering why in the world my blog would pop up when you google that.

8.....foot fetish.......Starting to think there's lots of strange ass people out there!

9......bunny has sores on anal. Thinking Hub's is anal brought them here. Wondering why someone is checking a bunny anal anyway. Hope they don't eat that one!

10....I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn, I'm a casino where the lucky one takes a spin. OMG, Snookie reads my blog!