Away at the bar

Scary Kerry's Christmas jingles....Couldn't leave the Daddy's out. This jingle was inspired by the song....Away in a Manger. I call it "away in a bar". By no means does this post mean any disrespect to the song about Jesus! So for your reading pleasure please sing this post to the melody of Away in a manger. Enjoy!

Away in a bar, with a cigar.......

The overworked Dad, played his guitar.....

The drunks at the bar looked down as he played......

They all had the same sad story and sucked down Chardonnay.....

The wife is a calling, the children are still awake.....

So overworked Dad, says....can you give a guy a break.........

Be home a minute if you want to stay.....

If you fuck me over you better pray.......

The overworked Dad he got in his car......

And thought to himself.....Shoulda stayed at the bar.......

Santa Baby

Are you sick of singing scary Kerry Christmas jingles yet????? Well this latest one was inspired by the song...Santa Baby. So for your reading pleasure please sing this post to the melody of Santa baby. Just picture me as Taylor Swift.

Santa Baby, slip a cocktail under the tree, for me......

I've been an awful good mom.....

Santa baby, and hurry with that cocktail tonight........

Santa baby, an out of space convertible too, light blue......

I need to get the hell out of here.......

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Think of all the fun I've missed.....

All the frog's I could have kissed......

Next year I could be Oh so good......

If you'd up my X-mas gift.......

Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and that's....

Not a lot.....

I've been run ragged all year.......

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight........

Santa Cutie, there's one thing I really do need.....

A wife....

She would save my life.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Santa baby, I'm kind of losing my mind tonight.....

I'm sick and tired of all the fights.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight......

Come and take the kids from me......

I swear you will not know their there.....

I really do believe in you.....

Now lets see if you come through....

Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight.....

Santa baby, forgot to mention one thing, this ring......

Who knew that shit would come with a zoo.....

Santa baby, hurry with that cocktail tonight...

hurry with that cocktail tonight...

hurry with that cocktail tonight.........

Here comes Christmas break

Next we have yet another jingle from the collection of Scary Kerry's holiday rock. With this post you'll want to sing it to the melody of...Here comes Santa Claus!

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break........

Like a sword going though my brain......

Blake, Cole, and Aidan and all their friends.....

Give me bulging veins.....

Fights are erupting, children complaining.....

I feel like fainting......

My sanity is out the door, I'm saying prayers.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight.......

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break....

Like a sword through my brain.....

I got a glass that's full of beer........

to help get through the night......

Hear those voices in my head go Jingle Jangle.....

Oh what a scary sight.......

So jump in bed and act like your dead.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight....

Here comes Christmas break, here comes Christmas break...

Like a sword through my brain....

It doesn't matter if your rich or poor.......

It all sucks the same....

Christmas break knows, anyone with children........

Is not going to be quite right........

So fill your glass with plenty of beer.....

Cause Christmas break comes tonight.........

Here comes Christmas break, Here comes Christmas break......

Like a sword through my brain.....

He'll come around when your head is ringing out.....

It's Christmas morn again......

Peace in the house will come to all.....

If we make it through the fights......

So give thanks to the lord above........

Because Christmas break ends tonight!!!!!!!!!

.

MaMa, the housewife

Hope your enjoying this collection of Scary Kerry holiday insanity songs. It's the only thing that is keeping me sane this Christmas break. If you could see me writing them that is the funny part. I sing them, I giggle, and my hub's says I look ridiculous. This latest one is inspired by the song "Frosty the snowman". When I rewrote it and put my evil genius stamp on it, I called it...."Mama, the housewife". For your reading pleasure Please sing while you read this to the Frosty the snowman melody. It's sure to brighten your day.

Mama, the housewife, was not a jolly, happy soul......

With a kid over here and a kid over there......

She felt like she could blow......

Mama, the housewife, is no fairy tail...they say....

She was mad as HELL and the children knew to stay the HELL away.....

There must have been some magic in that beer she shot gunned down........

For when she finished, she began to dance around.......

Oh Mama, the housewife, was as buzzed as she could be....

And the children say they no longer had that fear.......

As long as Mama had a beer......

Thumpety, Thump, Thump, Thumpety, Thump, Thump......

Look at Mama go.......

Thumpety, Thump, Thump, Thumpety, Thump, Thump......

Check out that pyramid grow.....

Mama, the housewife, knew the night was getting late......

So she said...."This better be my last, or I'll just go to my ass"....

Up the stairs she went....with that beer in her hand......

Running here and there, shit is everywhere.....

Sayin.......I can barely frickin stand........

She yelled as loud as she could, get your ass in bed, or I'll give it a pop.......

They tried to escape for a moment and come back down the stairs.......

Then they heard her holler....STOP...........

For Mama the housewife, hadn't had enough that day....

But she kissed them goodnight, saying....Don't you cry....I'll be drunk again some day.......

I hope that everyone reading this knows I'm just poking fun at the craziness of Christmas break. I feel I should say I love my kids and don't get drunk off my ass all holiday season. CHEERS!

Let it go, Let it go, let it flow......

I'm on a roll here people! These people I live with have finally drove me off the edge. So here is another Scary Kerry X-mas song of X-mass break insanity. With this one you will have to hum the tune "let it snow, let it snow, let it snow while singing this blog!

I call this one....Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow

Oh the feeling in my house is frightful........

But my cocktail is so delightful.......

And since I have no place to go.....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow....

They don't show signs of stopping.......

My head is kind of popping......

The lights are turned down way low....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow...

When I finally say...."This ain't right".....

How I hate weathering this storm......

But if I hold my jaw down tight.....

Oh my gosh this beers getting warm....

I feel like I could be dying.....

Oh my they are still flying.......

But as long as I have a beer....

Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow.......

For all you stay at Mom's out there....Let it go, Let it go, Let it flow!

Oh Christmas break

This is another fine Christmas song from the vault of Scary Kerry insanity songs! If I could sing I would record these. To make the most of this song you will have to sing the tune.."Oh Christmas tree" while reading it.

I call this one....Oh Christmas break

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.......

You came so fast is this a mistake....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break......

I feel fear like when summers here.....

I have a feeling I'll be kicking some rear....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

I feel myself unraveling.....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Did I really give these people birth.....

It would explain this middle girth....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.....

I don't know how much more I can take....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

The farts and burps smell nice and ripe...

Haven't gotten through a day without a fight....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Oh how karma messed with me....

These people I live with don't flush their pee....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

They are just so rowdy.......

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas Break.....

you fill my head with lots of ache.....

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break.....

Tired of hearing it's no fair.....

It's causing me to blurt a few swears......

Oh Christmas break, Oh Christmas break....

Two weeks to go......

I may just blow.............

Lushy Grandma

Now it's the time of the year where I have pleasure re-writing songs and poems of Christmas. It helps me deal with the holiday stresses. This one came to me after we had a little situation in our neighborhood this week. Without naming names or going into great detail I came up with this little jingle. I know I always preach on here not to be judgmental. Unfortunately I find myself being slightly Judgmental on this post. What can I say except I am a work in progress.
Lushy Grandma

Someones bushes got run over by drunk Grandma.......

Driving drunk from her house Monday night......

You might say there's no such thing as lushy Grandma's.....

But as for me and my neighbors we believe...........

She'd been drinking too much vodka.....

The neighbor saw her and told her not to go......

But since she was out of vodka.....

She swerved down the street and hit a pole.....

When they found her at the liquor store....

There were cracks all on her car.....

A big scratch across the door....

This time this Grandma went too far......

Someones hydrant got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night....

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's....

But as far as me and my neighbors we believe.....

Now were all so disappointed in drunk Grandma.....

She's not taking jail so well....

She's in there with the shakes.....

It's sad she can't remember....So she's thinking what the hell....

It's not cocktail hour without drunk Grandma.....

It's ashame she kept on going....

Still we just can't help but wonder....

What she looked like blowing.....

Someones bushes got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night....

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's.....

But as for my neighbors and me we believe

Now the sad thing about this fable....

Fifteen minutes later....she could have killed a kid.....

So lets put all the cards on this table.....

A lot of people would have flipped their lids.....

I've warned all my friends and neighbors.....

There's a lushy Grandma that drives our streets.....

They should never give a license...

To a Grandma that sucks down vodka and gets three sheets....

Someones hydrant got run over by drunk Grandma.....

Driving drunk from her house Monday night...

You might say there is no such thing as lushy Grandma's....

But as for me and my neighbors we believe......

This post is pushing the envelope a little bit. I hope it is a reminder to people not to drive drunk in the holiday season. A taxi is a lot cheaper than a drunk driving arrest. Be safe during the holiday season and have fun.

WARNING....THIS IS NOT A POST FOR SOMEONE WITHOUT HUMOR OR THE JUDGEMENTAL....THIS IS A JOKE!

WARNING.....TURN BACK IF YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR OR ARE JUDGMENTAL AT ALL! THIS POST IS NOT MEANT TO OFFEND IT IS A JOKE!





So since it's Christmas time I have been going through X-mas songs and poems. I'm trying to put the scary Kerry....aka...evil genius stamp on them. This will not be my X-mas card poem but I had lots of fun writing it! It is mastered after the song "walking in a Christmas wonder land.





I call it "walking in a housewife fantasy land"





My head rings......


Are you listening......


In the light.....


My eyes are glistening......


A scary sight.....


I'm half drunk tonight......


Walking in housewife fantasy land....





Gone away is my sanity....


Here to stay is my fantasy.....


He looks like a Vamp....


I act like a tramp.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land....





In the meadow I scream please bite me.....


Then pretend that I am Bella Swan....


He'll say.....Are you married....


I'll say....Hell yeah.....


But you can do the dirty job.....


When your in town.....





Later on.....


I'll perspire....


As I dream I'm on fire......


To face the unafraid......


In the bed that I've made.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land....





In the meadow I scream please help me......


The Werewolf will show to save my life!.......


I'll pretend my life is not that scary....


And kid myself that I am not a wife......





When he shows.....


ain't it thrilling.....


That Vamp gives me a chilling......


We'll frolic and play......


in the not so nice way.....


Walking in a housewife fantasy land!!!!!!!



So like I said not for the judgemental people out there! I know you read it anyway put your gavel's away, I warned you! More Scary Kerry Christmas poems and songs to come. If I could sing worth a shit I would totally record myself singing this crazy crap!

Oh the Joy of the holidays!

Oh, the joy of the holidays!!!!! Christmas shopping, Christmas baking, and Christmas music! My Mom...aka...positive Patty was here the last couple of days doing Xmas with us. Before she left today she baked a few dozen chocolate chip cookies and a few dozen spice cookies. God love her, I hate to bake. After I dropped her off at the airport I decided to go to Walmart to get some more baking supplies. I always wonder where the people in Walmart come from. I never see people like this anywhere but there. I could spend hours people watching. Anyway you ever hear that saying about your eyes being bigger than your stomach? Well in this case my brain was thinking bigger than my slacker ass true self. I came home with a ton of stuff to bake with. Carmel crunch bars, peppermint bark, oatmeal cookie stuff, peanut butter ball stuff, chocolate mint cookie stuff, sugar cookie, chocolate pretzel stuff, and so on! I'm baking to give homemade gifts to the middle school teachers and a few others. I CAN'T BAKE....I NEED TO GET THAT THROUGH MY HEAD!
So a few hours later I find myself frustrated as hell, covered in chocolate, powdered sugar, and God knows everything else I have cooked with. Cussing like a sailor the whole night. I determined that I can't melt chocolate successfully. I also realize baking is for the birds! So now I find myself knee deep in half ass done baked goods. I have that brain that is all over the map. I'm trying to do twenty things at once not getting anything accomplished. Kind of feel like a bee pollinating flowers. All this stuff looked great in my head....didn't really turn out the way I pictured it. My kitchen looks like a bomb went off in it and I have no desire to clean it. I finished the carmel crunch bars. They taste good but were a sticky ass mess to make. I finish the peppermint bark...ruined a few chocolates trying to melt, but finally got it half ass looking. The peanut butter balls were a huge mistake but I got half way through them. After that I gave up. Screw all the other ten things I had in my head! So I'm standing there in the kitchen that looks like a bomb went off covered in all the shit I cooked. Hub's comes around the corner. I say......Just call me Betty Crocker. He looks at me shakes his head and says.....more like boodie cracker. Being anal boy he asks......Are you going to get this kitchen back to normal???? I say....I thought I would just leave it for the Xmas elves to clean. So for a while I sit checking E-mails while looking over into the bomb of a kitchen wishing I had personal assistant or a wife!

I ask Hub's to get the kids in bed while I clean. After a bit Cole comes down. Hub's is yelling at him to go back upstairs. He is ruffling through a school supply cabinet pulling a bunch of crap out. He looks and Hub's and says......I'm getting school supplies for kids in other countries to help them....I think this is more important than bed. Hub's and me look at each other and laugh....this kid is such a drama queen. So Hub's looks at him and says.....That's awesome but you should help kids in other countries between the hours of 3 through 8:30. Cole goes up the stairs mumbling.....I can't believe I got in trouble for trying to help....this is crap! Truth be told his school is gathering school supplies and stuff for the Bastop people who lost their houses in fires. I think they want you to bring in new school supplies not ones that say....CAVENDER. I think the Bastop people will be getting some baking supplies from the Cavenders!

So a little while later the kitchen is still a mess. I go in my bathroom to get my makeup off and wash my face. I pee first. Hub's is in there getting ready for bed. I come out of the potty and turn on the water. Hub's looks at me and says....did you forget something. I say...I don't think so. He says....you didn't flush. I say....So it was only pee. He says...that is gross! I say...I'm trying to go green...save water.....and I can think of a lot grosser things than that! He says...GREEN......ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Then he is like be GREEN and turn off lights, shut doors, turn down the heat, and don't buy hundred dollars worth of baking supplies you will never use. He then says something that is still cracking my ass up. He says.....It is less than ten cents to flush a toilet and that is money well spent. I almost choke on my toothpaste. I spit and say......How the Hell would you know that????? I shit you not he says he calculated it one time! I call BULLSHIT! What a know it all. So I start to wash my face while I listen to this nonsense. If he knew me at all the last half of my life he has been with me he would know! Every night I pee, don't flush because right after I brush my teeth and wash my face I pee again from the sound of the water! I flush after that!

After that Hub's goes to bed and I go back to the dreaded kitchen. I kind of want to scream like a two year old.....fall down and kick my legs and arms! So I Facebook for a few while glancing at the kitchen. I finally get up to clean this mess. I have visions of throwing my kitchen aide mix maker into the Grand Canyon! I put together a nice basket of bake goods for the middle school teachers lounge and the Coaches room. They will have no idea what a cluster fuck this really was. End result is what counts....little do they know they were supposed to get about five more treats! After this I start to move all the crap I didn't use to the pantry! I think I need Martha Stewart to come visit me for a weekend and put all this stuff to use for me. I get 500 things into to the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen counter tops again. If I had a dime for every time I wipe them down I would have money for botox.
So Mom came in Saturday night! She came bearing gifts of Fannie May candies, Garrets popcorn, and Stollen bread! This muffin top is here to stay as long as she keeps coming. She is an enabler for sure! The kids can't wait to see her. They want to open their Xmas gifts right away. I did her shopping for her. So I let her give them some of their number one gifts. She is a hero for sure! We have a great time opening everything. Hub's has a fabulous time putting together the soccer goal for four hours the next day. I sleep through most of this. This soccer goal is something the kids crazy wanted.........me too! For me it means hours of entertainment out of this house. We all fight over the Garrets popcorn......anyone from Chicago knows why!
So any who, we decide to go see some Xmas lights Sunday night. I saw on Facebook the the wild flower center was having something Sunday night. We head out there. Thinking it's going to be great. Not so much kind of over rated. The important thing is we spent time together as a family. The two little guys didn't want to go with us. We were almost out of the driveway when they came running. Hub's told them if they didn't go they were going to bed! Thank you very much Hub's! They should have stayed home. They were annoying in the car and I found myself chasing Cole through a crowd at the place trying to give him a swat for bad behavior.

After we get done with the not so great light show we drop the little guys off at the house. We are going to go look at more lights around the neighborhood. Which is code for......we are going to drive around while Hub's deals with bedtime. We are not far from the house when I hear this firecracker sound I look over and my 14 year old has his ass between my Mom and me and is blowing farts. Now Mom aka...positive Patty comes from the......we don't fart, we pass gas family! These were clearly farts, there was no passing them off as passing gas. So I'm trying my hardest to act like a grown-up and yell at Blake about how rude and immature that was. I can't help but laugh my ass off while trying to scold him. Farts are funny and that was kind of funny as well as a little trailer at the same time. My Mom takes over and tells Blake that her husband his Grandpa has never farted in front of her. He can't believe this. She swears that he has only slipped one out once or twice in their 40 plus years together. Me I'm thinking my Dad...aka....Grumps would seriously be disgusted by Blake's bad behavior. Blake is surprised by this. He then tells my Mom that her daughter meaning me farts all the time in front everyone in the house. My Mom says......I never heard her fart. He is like.....She does it all the time and it happens a lot over the last few years. So much for family secrets......jeez! Now Patty would have never acted so childish she must be so proud of me right about now. I really have the urge to sucker punch Blake about now.

We had a great visit with my Mom but it went really fast. I don't know why but it seems like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Xmas are all flying by lighting fast this year! Sucks getting old.....all that shit mama told you turns out to be true!

Favorite Feedjit's of the week........Feedjit is what people are "googling" when landing on my blog.

Number one........."These people are in my head and they won't stop talking to me!!!!!!" I feel your pain google reader! These people are in my head too!!!!!! They won't shut up either!!!!! Beer does wonders to shut those suckers up!

Number two......"Tired of cleaning up other people's shit" I'm tired of that shit too! I don't even like to clean up my own shit! I feel so connected to my google readers this week.