Super size me

So today I got up at 7am. Got the two little ones out the door. Not with out a fight first. Aidan had left his shoes in a neighbors yard the day before. I told him he had to wear another pair. When I say he freaked out it is an understatement. This is the most peculiar child I have. He has to wear certain color clothes, certain color socks, a certain jacket, and a certain pair of shoes. So here we are yelling like two toddlers at each other. He ends up running down the street with no shoes and no coat in the freezing cold to get this certain pair of shoes. When he comes back he is crying that he is freezing. No shit Sherlock, should have just put on the other perfectly fine shoes!

I get the cranky teenager up not once but three times. I have to take him to school today since I need to be up there for some boosters work. Now everyone who knows me knows I'm no morning sunshine. I like to go back to bed after I get these kids out the door. As much as I like to give back these morning volunteer jobs are for the birds. On my way back from the school I'm surprised at how energized I feel. Maybe I should try and be a morning gal....I would get a whole hell of a lot more done.

I get back to the house with my egg Mac muffin, giant tater tot. and large Dr. Pepper. I watch a little shit TV and head out for some Xmas shopping. While at the mall I'm trying to find an outfit for a Xmas party this weekend. I'm in Macy's and have a handful of dresses. I walk into the dressing room and its like I'm walking the hall of shame. For I know I have super sized my ass this football season. There is a three way mirror and florescent lights in there. God help me! I get my clothes off and there I stand in my underwear horrified at what I see. I don't see my ass at home...ignorance is bliss. Ya see that giant crazy super size gross looking burger picture I posted on here.......Well lets just say it looks like I have one on each ass cheek. The texture of my ass is about like those tater tots. Oh I have super sized it all right! Not to mention it looks like I have two under my bra strap and about five in the belly. I seriously want to cry....why does it suck so bad getting old. I can hear the people in my skinny life past saying.......this shits going to catch up with you. Are you people happy????? You know who you are!!!!! So I walked out of there with NOTHING but my super sized ass. You ever have one of the moments where you wish you could hit the rewind button and start over????? Well I was having one right now. I would like to rewind to ass before 40!

After that I do some shopping for the kids and my nieces. Oh and yes I stop and buy a pair of Spanks for the first time ever in my life! I walk the walk of shame to go pay for these suckers. I'm planning on living in them. I stop at a taco place and get two tacos......Super size me! Hub's calls while I'm in the car on the way home. I'm telling him what I got the kids. He is like do we really need that.....Do we really have to get that......Will they really use that.....how much was that.......What's our Xmas budget.......They don't need that.......They won't use that.....can we try to keep it low this year!!!!!! I say.....ya know what GRINCH.......you make Xmas NO fun! You do this every year. He says.....And every year you don't listen! I'm thinking than why do you keep complaining! So I tell him.....I'll tell you what.....I'm done....you do Xmas! You tell the kids they don't need what they have asked for and it is stupid and they won't use it. You do it all.....because I don't want to be questioned about any of it! This is work for God's sake. So we hang up. I get a text when I get home that says....your not mad are you???? I text back.....Not at all Santa! Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Just saying!

After I get home I find myself walking around the house saying....knee's to chest.....knee's to chest. And yes I walk around the entire night doing knee's to chest. I look crazy but it is what it is. I blame the three mirror and the bad lighting. I'm in my room later wrapping gifts and putting them under the tree. The little guys love to see the gifts go under the tree. They crazy love to look for their name and shake the shit out of them trying to guess what it is. Cole comes in my room with one of Aidan's gifts. He says...look Mom Aidan tried to rip this one to see what it was. Sure enough there is a rip. I call Aidan in and he swears up and down he did not rip this. I look at both of them and say.....I guess I have to check my secret cameras. Cole right away says...alright it was me trying to get him in trouble. I don't know how I have rode this secret camera train for so long......oh yes I do....someone folds every time without ever testing me to see if I really know! See it might just not pay to have the smartest children. So all you honor roll parents out there can suck it at least I know what bad shit these kids are doing. BTW, totally jealous of you honor roll parents it just made me feel better to tell ya to suck it. I'm putting the two little guys to bed later. I rub their backs every night and then talk to them for a while. While I'm talking to Cole I'm doing sit-ups. He starts to do sit ups. I do 50, he does 250. Then he says....I kind of showed you up huh! So I sucker punched him! Well not really but it crossed my mind.

After my 50 sit-ups I'm trying to get their clothes out for the am. We are transitioning from warm to cold here now. Cole and I are trying to find jeans that fit him. I'm overwhelmed by the clothes and shoes in my house. I have all of Blake's old clothes and shoes plus I have a few friends that gave me hand me downs. I really need to go through all of this. I find a drawer that has four pairs of jeans that fit him.....hallelujah! I can hear the angels singing! After that I go downstairs to get my self cleaned up. While taking off my make-up and brushing my teeth I run in place! I want no part of this super size shit! I just wish I had about six weeks till this party. I get on the computer and pull up my new favorite thing......feedit. Like I said before this tells me how readers get to my blog. While most are friends and family there are at least five good "googlers" that come across it everyday. I only wish I could see their face when they land here. Today's top favorites are......

1......Is there something wrong with me if I yell at a plant?????? I just wish I had secret cameras in this persons house. I would love to hear what they yell at that plant.

2.....famous penises......Their spelling is about as good as mine! If you can't spell penis you probably shouldn't be googling it! My overactive imagination takes over about now, so now I'm thinking about a famous penis. The only one that comes to mind is....Tommy Lee! Who know!

3.....Boys are stupid throw rocks at them. HaHa, totally agree, I can think of a few I would throw a rock at!

4.....My sister farts all the time........I hear you google person, mine does too!

5.....There's only one queen. I know exactly why this person landed on my blog......There's only one queen and that queen would be me! Secretly wondering if this may be a gay guy googling this.

Thanksgiving, 2011, tis the season!

Thanksgiving has come and gone once again. Since we have moved to Austin we have no family around. This can make the holidays a little sad. Not to mention my Grandma died on Thanksgiving last year. Growing up Irish catholic holidays were filled with good food and lots of family. I miss those days. I wish my kids could grow up with those same kind of holiday memories. So Wednesday morning I wake up around nine. I know that is early for me. I feel slightly overwhelmed because for the first time ever I have to do all the cooking myself. The last couple years we celebrated Thanksgiving with some other families, we split the cooking. This year everyone has their own plans. I end up cooking from nine till six. After that I got all the Xmas stuff down to decorate and washed all the floors! Oh and yes I am tooting my horn about now. I had to wash the floors because after I cooked it looked like a bomb went off in the kitchen. I should have taken a picture of it. While I cooked all day I listened to the sound of holiday music and danced around the kitchen. I sang happily at the top of my lungs. I felt total inter peace! Tis the season! Alright so I'm totally lying! It went more like......While I cooked I listened to the kids fight over the TV and anything else they possibly could. I cussed to myself the whole day. I was covered in flour and butter. I had never got out of my PJ's and I kind of looked like death warmed over. I spent my day yelling at the top of my lungs at the kids to stop fighting. I felt total blood pressure spikes all day. Then the on line shopping started for them. They were getting together their Xmas list. I swear technology can be a torn in my side. The kids find shit on line that they would never know existed. Tis the season!
After I cooked mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, homemade mac&cheese, homemade stuffing, two pies, and one cake I get the turkey out. I clean all the shit out of the insides and almost puke in my mouth. I get the Turkey in the pan and for some reason it just cracks my ass up. I don't know if all the cooking has gone straight to my head or if the kids have finally sent me over the edge. I call Cole over to take funny pictures of him and me with the turkey. He is all for the turkey fun! I'm laughing so hard I almost pee my pants. I also take a pic on my camera phone and send it to my family. My Dad...aka...text back and tells me I finally made his screen saver. I don't think I have ever made his screen saver. Ella.....aka....the golden jerk has been on there since she was born. I call Blake...aka...nasty teenager down. I just know he is going to think this is funny. I think I'm going to get a laugh or a smile out of his newly smug face. So he comes down doesn't crack a smile at all. He says....what is your problem your acting like a child???? I tell him to get behind the turkey so I can get his picture. He is having no part of this. He looks at me as if I'm smoking crack in the kitchen and goes back upstairs never to be seem for hours again. Hub's comes in after work as I'm washing the floors. Thank God he did not see the kitchen an hour ago since he is anal boy. I say....your not going to believe all the stuff I got done today. He looks at me and says......Talk to me when you get up at 5am and work all day!!!!!! He is extra grumpy being in the retail business during the holidays. Wrong thing to say to someone who cooked, cleaned, did laundry, listened to kids fight, ran the dishwasher three times, and had everything looking great! Plus I'm in mental pause, what is he thinking. Doesn't he realize my head can spin, I can spit fire and spray green shit like the exorcist over something far much less than that awful insult. I found myself fantasizing about being one of those taken care of women. If that were the case I would be having botox shot in my forehead while my personal assistant cooked for the 50 people I'm flying in to my home in the Hampton's for Thanksgiving. My rich ass Hub's would be flying in late because he is busy closing billion dollar deals and banging his secretary before he flies in. This would be alright with me because I would have unlimited funds and she would do all the dirty work for me! My fantasy is cut short when Aidan...aka...worry wort walks by with his fifth change of clothes for the day! I look at him and say....why the heck are you in yet another outfit. All the other clothes are scattered around the house and the driveway for me to pick up. He looks at me and says...I don't know! I say....boy do you have any idea how many loads of laundry I do in week???? He says...No! I say...well let me tell you, so much that often times I feel like a gerbil in wheel, a gerbil that wants to get the hell off the wheel. He looks at me like I have three heads and says.....Sorry! This gerbil thing totally went over his head!
So being a Mom of three boys means I'm the only one who has any interest in putting up X-mas! Well Aidan wants to do some of the fun stuff. Like put ornaments on the tree. The problem is he cluster fucks them all in the same spot. This for me means more work. I have to go behind him and move them around! For some reason this is not the fantasy I had as a child. I pictured a family all in matching Xmas sweaters and Santa hats decorating the tree together. We would sing Xmas songs and sip eggnog....mine would be spiked of course! Tis the season!
While we decorated Hub's spent time with his best friend apple. Blake played Xbox and we never saw him all night. Cole watched ESPN and imagined himself as a pro football player. Aidan all of the sudden is on the couch with a low grade fever! Wouldn't be the holidays if someone didn't have fever. Hub's is starting to feel guilty about his insensitive comment. He keeps trying to tell me what a great job I have done. I'm having no part of this. Every time he says something I follow it up with a.....Well I don't get up at 5am and work all day! Even though I can really care less at this point because I have finally realized men are from Mars and women are Venus I'm going to ride this puppy. For this for me means one less thing to do tonight if you know what I mean! Tis the season!
So Thanksgiving morning rolls around way too early! I was up till one am making Xmas in this house for the ingrates. I have to wake up to get this giant bird cooking. I get up soak a cheese cloth in butter and herbs and lay it over my bird. I say goodbye to my bird tell him it's been fun and go back to bed.
The house turned out beautiful. Tooting my own horn again since these people I live with don't! We going to have some last minute guest for Thanksgiving which makes me so happy. My friend Patty and her family were going to go out of town but since her son has a playoff game the next day the are stuck here. Like I said this makes me so happy. Good friend and good conversation! Plus I'm not stuck by myself with these people I live with all day! God love them...tis the season!
Can't believe I got all this done in one day! I kind of feel like a mom rock star! Totally tooting my own horn again!
Thanksgiving went off without a hitch. Everything turned out great. All the food was good and the Turkey was moist! The boys all watched football all day. Patty and I looked through shopping flyers and talked about how bad it sucks getting old. Another set of our friends stopped over after their dinner and the day was good! I did miss spending the holidays with my family but it is what it is. Tis the season.

Today in Chicago they had a mass for my Grandma that I of course could not attend. I decided to go to the 5 o'clock mass here in her honor. It felt good to be in church even though at one point I had tears streaming down my face. I bet the people around me were wondering what the heck my problem was. The priest said they are going to have a mass in two weeks for people suffering from chronic disease. Maybe I'm there for a reason...I'm totally going to this mass. I'm going to pray as hard as I can that God will take the MS away from me. For I have no time to deal with a disease like this. I'm too busy taking care of these people I live with. When I was a kid I believed God could take care of everything. I want to get back to that kind of belief again, I want to be the one to say I experienced a miracle. Damn I can be so sappy sometimes! Missing my Grandma this holiday season. I have once again been dreaming about her and her house like crazy. The sappy side of me would like to think it's her telling me she is still around. Tis the season. Sorry for bad grammar and mis-spellings.....too tired to proof read! Hope everyone had a great holiday!

We are the champions!

Saturday Morning we headed out to fuckitsfarville for Cole to play in the championship game for football. Aidan and him have a very love hate relationship. They remind me of a married couple. Aidan was his biggest fan at this game! I love to see that.
We had only lost one game by one point all season and it was to this team. They had one of the most obnoxious parents I had ever seen on this team. She literally screamed loud through the entire game. Through a mega phone thing. She looked like a dude and sounded like one too. I wanted to throw something at her. The first time we played them she paced around screaming beating a metal fence with a can full of dried beans. We ended up beating them by one touchdown. We became the division one champs and Cole was as happy as he could be.
Cole crazy loves football. A few weeks before I was laying in bed talking to him. He told me his dream is to be a running back. He also told me he is not fast enough to do this. I told him never say never. He said Dad told me you either have it or you don't. I told him he is still young and you never know what can happen. So I went down stairs to make lunches, put snacks in backpacks, go through school stuff, and get clothes and shoes ready for the am. Gerbil in a wheel, just saying! I go back up to check on everyone after about an hour. I find Cole asleep with a notebook on his chest. Of course I read it. It goes something like this......

Cole's Game Plan

1.Running back.....run up and down the stars(guessing that means stairs) 10 times. Sprint whole time.

2....running back...practice stants and taking hand offs.

3....wide receiver.....practice catching with one hand ten times. Then catch with two hands 20 times.

4....running back....spin moves, break tackle, and juke moves

5....running back...run 100 yards without stopping, no jogging just sprinting.

6....D-fence....rap up and take down.

7....kick field goals 20 times. Kick one angle 5 times.

Then the funnest thing is he writes....PS.....music playing the whole time to motivate.
I can't tell you how happy I was to see this kid with stars in his eyes win this! The joy in his eyes was the thing that makes being a gerbil in a wheel not that bad! To say I am proud is an understatement. It made all the inconvenient practices, fighting in the car, getting up way too early on Saturdays, and super sizing my ass with fast food all worth it!
I kind of love this picture! Hate their buzz haircuts but love this pic.
The teenager came with us. He fell asleep on the bleachers which is typical of him. Glad to see two other teenagers did the same thing.

So when I found that notebook I came across another entry that must have been made a while ago. It went something like this......

Aidan becomes on our team.

I made a plan with Aidan and Brianna. and the plan was that Aidan will ask Zoe if she loves him. Me and Brianna will go down stairs to spy on this. We will see what Zoe says. Guess what she said YES! Then Zoe turned around and sol us. She got mad and went home! Oh young love!!!!!!

So this week happens to be the week of Thanksgiving. The kids got out of school this week on Tuesday. They want to have friends spend the night! All three of them. Blake has two middle school kids here, Aidan has a friend over, and Cole couldn't find anyone. I feed everyone and make my grocery list for Thanksgiving dinner. The middle school kids head to the store with me. While at the grocery store I get a text from hub's. It says.....I'm tired of being "the house". This is not fair to me. After tonight I would appreciate you getting my input on friends staying here. I have to work in the am. This is too much. I'm tired of cleaning up after everyone. I'm exhausted. I have to laugh at this! He goes to bed early and never deals with sleepovers. What is he talking about!!!! Tired of cleaning up after everyone...is he for real???? This happens to be the story of my life! I'm going to get is ass a T-shirt that says....Grinch! Just yesterday I called him and said I want a real tree this year. I want to smell X-mas in the house. He says...I hate real trees! I say why. He says.....They are a pain in ass and a fire hazard. Not to mention the mess they make. I say our children are a fire hazard and they make way more of a mess than a tree ever can!!!!!!! Still working on this!

So anyway I'm at the local HEB-grocery store shopping for Thanksgiving. With three middle school boys who find it funny to yell "Kerry" at me from a few aisles over. I don't know if it's because it is Thanksgiving but the grocery store is filled with lots of interesting people. I saw a dude with his hairy ass butt crack hanging out. Truth be told I couldn't take me eyes off of it. Now I am a frequent flyer a the grocery store. I have never come across people like this there! It is like the Walmart people who we all love. Another thing I noticed is Hello lots of single hot guys! Really any single lady forget the bars.....shop the grocery store on a holiday week! Where the hell were these guys when I was single?????? So I'm in the check out line with two hundred dollars worth of Thanksgiving! All I can say is Thank God Hub's has a good job. There is a token hot guy in line behind me making small talk with me. All the sudden there is this scream of...Hey Kerry...Mom are you done yet! I turn around to yell "yes" I'm checking out! Back to reality!

So this week I have been trying to put together X-mas for these people I live with. Sad thing is since I'm the only girl no one has any interest in helping. I put out all the outside lights and I'm now working on the inside. It sucks! It has become yet another project I don't want to do. Funny thing is when I first got married I couldn't wait to have a house to decorate for the holidays. This is the thing I dreamed about as a child! Shit is overrated for sure. Yes, it's nice when it is all said and done. I'm secretly wishing I had a house manager to make it all nice!

I picked up my kids the other day from school. Aidan looks at me and says....Can you imagine if you could hear everything people were thinking about you. I say...that would suck! Thinking about all the things I have thought about people while talking to them. He says...yeah I'm glad we can't because I would not want to think about the bad things they are thinking. I say... why are you worried because no one would think anything bad of you. He says...I bet they would. I say..what could anyone possibly think bad of you?????? He says.. They could think I'm not smart enough, or think I look funny, Or think I'm not that good at sports, or think I'm a dork. He says he thinks his feelings would be hurt if he could hear what people thought! I have always thought Aidan was an old soul. I never really thought about stuff like this till I got way older. Now I know through experience that people love to talk shit! It never really hit me till I was in my 30's I always thought if someone was my friend they would never talk bad about me. In my older years I realize it is never safe to walk out of the room. It makes me sad that he gets this at such a young age! Now don't get me wrong I'm not at all saying I'm all not at fault, I have done my fair share of shit taking too. It just makes me sad that an eight year old gets this!

Anyway, trying to get together Thanksgiving and X-mas! Sad that I no longer live by family! For if I lived by either family I could not do shit and just show up! Since Hub's works in the world of retail we are stuck by ourselves to fend for ourselves. Growing up Irish catholic makes me want to to put on the best Thanksgiving! Damn it, I can be an overachiever for sure! Laughing as I write that, I'm lying for sure! Definitely not overachieving when it comes to working out! I was thinking about this today. If I was normal height I would be all good. Damn it if God didn't make me short! If I was an average height of 5"6 I would look hot! In a perfect world I would be stretched.

Wishing my Grandma didn't die on Thanksgiving last year! I miss her like crazy. In a perfect world Grandmas would live forever. once again sorry for miss-spellings and bad grammar....too tired! This kid that Aidan had spend the night has jumping beans in is pants and is moving furniture as I write!

Breaking Dawn

So anyone who knows me or who follows this blog knows I'm a huge Twilight fan. This past Thursday Breaking Dawn was shown at midnight. This is the forth movie and the first one that I decided to see at midnight. My friend Erin invited me to go. Since she has a teenage daughter we were all good! My sister aka...Twisty has seen all the movies at midnight. She told me it is great people watching getting there way early waiting for your show. I'm so excited, I even brought my camera because I just knew there would be Twilight crazies to take pics with. Not so much! I found myself sitting in the hallway of the movie theater with a bunch of teenage girls! There were no crazies, no Twi hards, nothing out of the ordinarily to look at. Disappointed for sure.
So I ended up there with my two girlfriends and their teenage daughters. First we thought we would be smart and park as far away from the theater as possible. We just knew there would be a huge line to get out of here. For it would be filled with TWI hards. Could have had front row parking but we just knew we were ahead of the game. We get in and let the girls go get a bite to eat while we hold the place in line. We end up in-between some teenagers. The girls come back from eating and relieve us to go eat. I brought my little Edward doll to dinner with us figuring everyone would have Edward and Jacob dolls with them. Not so much, I might have been the only one. I have a little fun with him at dinner. I pose him with the bacon since he only eats animals....unless of course your a bad guy! Didn't remember him ever eating anything but animals but in this film I found out he feast on bad guys too. I did in fact read all the books. BTW, those bacon things you see are bacon wrapped dates with blue cheese! Total party in the mouth. I think you could wrap almost anything in bacon and it might just taste good. I feel Edward might like a placenta wrapped in bacon. As I wrote this I just puked in my mouth. Sometimes sucks having an overactive imagination.
My friend Erin posed him with the calamari sauce saying he loves blood. We laughed probably because we were having a cocktail at this time. Just doesn't seem that funny now. So we finish our food and drinks, we head back to the theater. I secretly hope I'm going to see some TWI hards when we go back. We get back in and the girls have ours seats. Which by the way rock, kudos to those girls. I get settled and look around for some good people watching. What I see is a theater full of teenage girls, a few middle age women and about fourteen dudes. Now the dudes are clearly there because their in a new relationship and are just trying to get some. The movie is awesome!!!! My only complaint is the sex scene could have been better! For Gods sake we waited four books for this!!!!! So we get out and all those people with the front parking spots are long gone before we run to our super far one. Even though I get home at 2:30 it takes me two more hours to fall asleep. Thank God I told Hub's he needed to get everyone up and out the door in the am.

So would I do a midnight Twilight movie again???? Hell yes! Even though I was disappointed by the people watching it got me out of bedtime and putting out!

So anyway I'm way behind on this blog. I totally skipped over Halloween which I happen to be the queen of! I skipped a lot of Twisty's visit, and my in law's coming to town, nasty homework, and crazy conversations with these people I live with.

My brain just is working against me lately. My doctor says it's my MS. When you have this your brain just works funky. I get it now because I have tons of stuff in the fire and can't concentrate on one. I feel like a bee trying to pollinate too many flowers at once. I rarely talk about this because I try to tell myself I'm fine. Ignorance is bliss for sure.

I have not been in the mood to write at all. I have not been in the mood for anything still. I have a bottle of happy pills sitting in my purse that my doctor gave me. The side effects are you may feel euphoric. Euphoric, I only remember feeling that one time in my life. It was after my third my child was born. I got home from the hospital and felt this overwhelming feel of pure joy. Even though I had not planned him and cried through six months of pregnancy I felt totally complete when I got home for the first time in my life. It was crazy!!!! Later I thought why did Hub's and I out number ourselves????? We are domed for sure.

Anyway I came across an ancient Chinese secret. Always wanted to say that!!! I have tried every skin cream known to man...well not really but a lot. I got some almond oil for eight bucks and have been putting that on my face the last few weeks. Almond oil is supposed to be good for your hair but I test everything on my face. Let me tell you throw all those expensive skin creams away because this is the way to go if your older with combo or dry skin. My skin sucks this stuff up like a sponge. My skin feels soft in the am. I have tried like hell to sleep on my back fearing wrinkles. I just can't do it. I have nightmares on my back. Every time I say that out loud Hub's laughs as if I'm crazy but I do. So this almond oil should help those crinkles!

Last but not least I have been obsessively checking my feedjet again not because I want to know where readers are coming from. It is because of the "google" people that come across this blog.

number one this week is.......Kerry Kane Cavender USA........I just want to meet the poor soul who googled this......secretly hoping it is Brendan Odonell.....For this is the boy I loved from third grade till eight that never spoke one word to me. Bitter???? Maybe!

number two.....and I know my spelling is bad but this takes the cake.....girls poop together in their buats!!!!!!! Did he/she mean butts?????? What girls poop together in their buats anyway??? I'm happy to say that this craziness came from a country I never heard of!

Still here trying like hell to eat right and work out! Why are the cheeseburgers so easy to eat??? I'm a gerbil in a wheel for sure, get the kids up, get them to school, do the laundry, clean the kitchen, pick them up, drive them around, cook dinner, put them to bed, put out, and start over! Easy button???? You really are not there!

Sign wars!

Any of you who follow this blog know I have a crazy ass neighbor. So the other day I'm out in my backyard helping my kids build a football goal post out of pvc pipe. I know what your thinking....what a great mom I am! I have my moments. Truth be told I'm building this to get them the hell out of my house! This will cause then to spend hours out there trying to get the football through the thing. This for me means shit TV time for me. The crazy ass neighbor gets drunk off his ass every night and blast music. While I'm out there working he puts on....She's a black magic women. I start to dance around and sing because I can see him peeking at me through the fence. He then changes the music to a christian station. This always cracks me up. Maybe he should listen to what the Christians are singing about. A little time goes by and I hear something. I turn around and he is nailing a smiley face to his trellis facing my house.

This is a picture of his fence that faces my house. He added another smiley face.

He also has a private property sign and one that says....It's too loud your too old. Another neighbor called the police on him a few nights ago because his music was blaring. I guess he thinks it was us because that sign went up the next day.

While doing some after Halloween shopping I came across this cardboard Frankenstein. I know I'm just bending down to his level by putting it in my window facing his house. Four years of this shit had gotten old. I want to piss him off too now. I'll take him down when he takes his shit down.

Later that night I go back to the yard to put up the field goal. There are now two smiley faces back there. I guess he is getting drunk making these things to hang. The signs really don't bother me. It's the barking at me from over the fence, It's the fact that he yells "fuck you" at me when he sees me, and the fact that he gets a camera out and takes pictures of me while I'm in my yard. What makes me the most mad is he scares and intimidates my kids. He keeps their balls if they go over the fence and then calls the police. We were at a German fest this past weekend. BTW, he is German with a strong German accent. No offence to Germans I happen to be German too. My youngest son passes a booth where they are selling balls. He looks at me and says....Why are they selling balls here, Germans hate balls! I say only the German next door hates balls. It's sad that he thinks Germans hate balls but this is what he has grown up with.

Blake...aka...the nasty ass teenager! Comes home from school and wants to get some new Xbox game. He has the money but he needs a ride. I tell him he has to vacuum the whole house first. To my surprise he moved chairs to vacuum. I'm shocked to tell you the truth.

Aidan....aka...pig pen!!!!! This kid insist on wearing white all the time! I'm going to start buying his clothes at the salvation army. Kid has a closet full of non white clothes but manages to come down in white everyday! This would be fine if he wasn't such a pig pen.

So I'm walking over to my other neighbors house and I see this in my neighbor....aka...the Germs driveway. Kind of looks like a body in a body bag. I walk into the other neighbors house and say....the Germ has a body in a body bag in his driveway as a joke of course. My neighbor starts to laugh because when he got home he told his wife the same thing. Sad thing is they have their house on the market because of him.

There is this thing on my blog called feedjit. While my sister..aka..Twisty was here a few weeks ago she told me you can click on that to see how people are getting to your blog. I thought most people were friends and family who read this. I guess when people "google certain things it brings them to my blog. I have become obsessed with clicking on this. Not because I'm wondering where my readers come from. It is because there is always something that cracks my ass up on there. So here are my top ten favorites this week. And yes this is only one week of crazies!

1.....Brown seed like things in my bed and on my clothes when I wake up. Don't know why this brought them to my blog. I have never woken up with brown seed like things in my bed! Though in my younger years I once woke up with something that I might have rather had brown seed like things! Now I find myself thinking about what the hell and why the hell someone is waking up with brown seeds in their bed!!!!!

2.....What time do hillbillies go to bed. Really what kind of crazy ass googles this!!!! Everyone knows hillbillies go to bed when the moonshine runs out!

3.....I fucked my Berlin neighbor. Really you google that???? Why do you have to google that after you do something like that? My crazy overactive mind starts to think...is this person married screwing their Berlin neighbor. What is their story I want to know. What I want to know more is why that google brought them to my blog.

4....Does something happen to you if you eat boogers? Now I know what brought them to my blog on this one. I brainwashed my kid into thinking he would turn green if he ate one and blogged about it. What I am thinking is what gross person is googling this question. Does he or she have a booger in their mouth while they google??? Food for thought!

5......Anal, 2011! Now I know exactly why this person landed on my blog by googling anal 2011. It's because I call Hub's anal boy. Bet they were slightly disappointed when they landed here. I have a feeling this was not what they were looking for.

6.....Tighty whities in the rain. Once again I know what brought them to my blog. I once blogged about my Dad...aka..Grumps waiting for me after a late night out in his tighty whities. Once again I believe this googling person was disappointed when they landed here.

7....GD physicals. Now I agree physicals suck but would never use Gods name in vein. I can cuss like a sailor which drives Grumps crazy but I never mess with Gods name. Wondering why in the world my blog would pop up when you google that.

8.....foot fetish.......Starting to think there's lots of strange ass people out there!

9......bunny has sores on anal. Thinking Hub's is anal brought them here. Wondering why someone is checking a bunny anal anyway. Hope they don't eat that one!

10....I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn, I'm a casino where the lucky one takes a spin. OMG, Snookie reads my blog!

Who am I?

See this image of me above??????? Now this is me on Halloween. The sad thing is this is how I feel everyday now. Right now while I'm writing this I have a kitchen full of drunk men! Thank you Hub's. They are kind of funny on one hand an annoying as shit on the other. Wondering why men scream at each other while sitting across from each other while drunk. Wondering if women act the same way. Kind of makes me never want to drink again. They think they are funny but not so much. They talk shit just like a bunch of girls. Wow it's loud in here. They are all laughing loud as shit. Kind of want to chuck a beer at their heads. Now they are all talking like Hitler loud as shit laughing their ass off. Don't know how one could hear each other over the other. They are all talking at the same time. They just raised their glasses for me. I my have raised my finger under the table but they sure did not notice. Mixing drinks with a butcher knife is something I can say I have never seen till tonight. If they say it is "on like Donkey Kong" one more time my hair might just stand straight up. Just went to the bathroom and the seat was up! While I sat there I imagined giving someone in this house a swirly! So I may have a life-size Edward and Jacob cardboard cutout. Hub's thought it would be funny to bring them out and kick them in front of his friends. Guess who is not laughing. Yep that would be me!!!!!!! Annoying!!!!

So anyway, I went to the girl's basketball game to get head shots for buttons. I thought it would be a good idea to volunteer my time. As much as I love to give back it is a lot of time. I really like being involved in the kids things! That is until I lose 100 dollars worth of pictures in the parking lot. I did football action shots all season. I had run and got frames, put some of my best action shots in the frames. Had 100 dollars worth of stuff. I'm leaving and a mom who ordered a picture stops. I set the bag of framed pictures next to my car. Get home later, go to get the pics out of the car and they are lost in translation. I realize I left them next to the car in the parking lot. I get the kids back in the car and drive back up there. No bag, no pics! I hope like HELL someone found them and turns them in! I feel like I have been a good person and deserve someone to find those pictures and return them. More to come on that!

On our way home we stop at Mickey D's I have super sized my ass in several weeks of sports with fast food, why stop now. After we get home, add calories to my ass and drive back up to try and find pics. I try to get the kids in bed. Hub's at this time is out for GNO...otherwise known as Guys night out. For some reason my kids fear him at bedtime but not me. This cracks me up since I can fly off the handle way more than Hub's. Cole comes down after being put down for an hour. He is whining about not being able to sleep. I morph into a two year old and start a full on screaming two year old tantrum. Then a crying fit follows. I can't believe how I'm acting. Ashamed, embarrassed, ridiculous. guilt ridden, are a few things that come to mind. It's like I have zero control of my emotions. Even while I'm having my freak out moment I know it and I can't control it. I have an evil twin and it is called Mental pause! I don't even recognize myself lately and I don't like it. If I don't get a hold on this I'm going to ruin my not so perfect children.

So after I calm down I go upstairs to find Cole sleeping. I kiss him 100 times. He wakes up a little. I tell him I am sorry for yelling at him. How do you explain to a ten year old it's a hormone thing????? I'm going out tomorrow to get some hormone cream to try and nip this in the butt before I ruin these people I live with. Now the drunk guys who happen to be neighbors, so no one is driving. They want me to get in a hot tub. Are they kidding????? I have three people to get up and get out the door for school. We are not in college here for Gods sake!

So back to me! Laugh out loud. I don't know whats going on with me. Well yes I do" hormones". I feel like a prisoner stuck in this body. I don't know when I'm going to be up or down. I don't know what is going to set me off and it's frustrating. I cry at almost everything. I go back to bed after I get my kids off to school. I force myself to get back out of bed because I just feel plain blue. I want to workout but I just can't seem to do it. I feel like I just don't want to get up and do the same thing over and over, ground hog day if you will. My house that is usually put together looks like a hurricane went through it! I have no desire to fix any of it! I need to get out of this funk because it is not me and I don't like it! If anything this was a deep dark look into the super fun thing called metal pause otherwise known as menopause. Sorry for bad grammar and misspelling it's called Metal Pause!

Grumps comes to town

It's been a really long time since my last post. Lately I feel like I have jumped in the deep end of a pool and can't find my way up. Bumps in the road I guess. I always hate when people say things like that. Lets be honest bumps in the road suck. I think the worst thing is when people say things like...."this will only make you stronger". Bullshit I say!!!!!! We only say that shit to make ourselves feel better.

Dad....aka....Grumps came to town last week to see Blake's football game. I was glad that Blake got a lot of playing time. Since my Dad's birthday is the day before Halloween we got to take him out to dinner. We had a great visit but it went way too fast as usual.

I finally tried the Dr Oz 48 hour cleanse. So I am all pumped to do this. I wake up and make the quinoa and prunes breakfast. It looks and smells disgusting. Well let me tell you it taste just as bad. I'm trying to choke it down. I start to come up with reasons not to eat it all. I think most people doing this are bigger than me. Maybe I don't need as much. It took me two hours to eat it. It brought me back to my nine year old self. I remember just a few times sitting at the kitchen table trying to choke down food I didn't like. Grumps and Patty weren't that bad about making me eat stuff. There were a few occasions that I found myself at the kitchen table after everyone had left. There was a shelf that sat behind our kitchen table. On that shelf was a cookie jar. I had come up with clever ways on how to get rid of the food when Patty was not watching. Sometimes I would stuff the food in a napkin and put it in the cookie jar. Other times I would hold as much in mouth as I could and go spit it in the toilet. Life would have been much easier if we had a family dog.

The next thing on the list is a smoothie. 1/2 cup of pineapple. 2 large cucumbers, 1 bunch of kale, 1 lemon, ginger and mint. It doesn't sound half bad. The first few sips are alright. This is very thick by the way. The kale almost makes it chewy. It makes a lot and you are supposed to drink it all day. Half way through it the strong smell and taste of mint is absolutely nauseating. Not to mention the shit looks like seaweed. Once again forcing it down. I better lose some weight! Your meals are pretty much raw vegetables with alittle olive oil and lemon juice. That I can handle. I get through the first day. I did have one small breakdown and stuffed my face full of chips as if I was Mango from SNL. So I'm thinking this shit should be coming out right? Cleansing my system getting rid of muffin top and unsightly bloating. Nothing yet.

Day two, can't bring myself to ever eat that quinoa shit again. I make a blueberry, banana, chia seed, almond milk, and flaxseed oil shake. This is really tasty. All the sudden the consistency becomes like jello. It's not as good when you have to eat it with a spoon. Later after watching Dr Oz he is talking about chia seeds. He says they expand in liquids. A heads up would have been nice! The next time I made the shake I ate the seeds separately. Dinner is red onion, celery, fennel bulb with the stalk, shitake mushrooms, garlic, and cabbage. You boil all this in water with paprika, sea salt, pepper, oregano, and caraway seeds. Lets just say I know why they named those mushrooms shitake. THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT! Overall this was not as bad as it sounds. I make it through day two with a few little changes I made to it. I did have one crazy lady breakdown in the pantry with the chips. Still waiting to cleanse and still nothing. I was afraid to do this cleanse at work. I thought I would be in the bathroom all day.

So I made it through the 48 hour cleanse with just a few bumps in the road. Would I do it again????? Hell NO! Blake and I head out to Target the next night. I'm in the checkout line and the cleanse hits me. This cleanse is ready to roll it doesn't care that I'm behind two people. It really came out of no where. There was no stomach ache warning, no gas, no nothing! I think I can hold this. So I'm standing in line with my butt cheeks squeezed together as hard as I can stand it, sweating bullets, and going cross eyed. Maybe the guy was moving slow or maybe everything just seemed to be going in slow motion. I'm having a war in my head with myself. I'm finally all checked out. I give Blake the keys and tell him to go load the car. I run to the bathroom praying no one is in there. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to go to the bathroom in public. When I'm at work I drive home to go. When I sold furniture I used to have an out of order sign I would put on the door. That worked like a charm most of the time. There is always that asshole that has no regard to the sign. So I get in the bathroom and there are three people in there. SHIT, is what is going through my head. I go in the last stall waiting for these people to finish up. I hear the last one leave so I look under the stall to make sure I'm all clear. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I stayed home for two days waiting for this. So there I am on the pot in Target and a cleansing poop is one that is quick. I hear someone open the door. I go to flush really quick. Guess what......No flusher. It is one that flushes when you get up. So I jump up away from the toilet so it will flush. I sit back down because this is far from over. I wait for round two till I hear the person leave. I'm finally done with no more interruptions. After it's done I feel fantastic. I look back to see what a cleanse poop looks like. I will not go into details lets just say I never saw anything like that before. I may just do this cleanse thing once a month. Well probably not!

The days that followed I continued to cleanse even though I had already gone back to my bad eating habits. Then it happened, the thing I've waited for the last five years! Dr Oz always talks about these S shaped poops. He says if your system is functioning right you should shit S shapes. I had an S shaped poop. I might have jumped for joy over the toilet. I called my sister....aka...Twisty to tell her about this S. She says....I don't believe you, did you take a picture? I say...No I did not take a picture. She tells me I should have! See there is a reason I call her Twisty. Anyway I would recommend this 48 hour cleanse for sure.

The other night Hub's and I are in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He looks over at me and says....is sex out of the question. I say...Um yes! He says....your 41 aren't you supposed to be in your prime? I tell him I think I skipped my prime and went right into to mental pause. He tells me he thinks he got cheated. I tell him it's really not sexy or a turn on for someone to be standing there flossing their teeth asking for sex. He says....in a few years we are going to be old and tired and not care about sex. I tell him I'm already there! Now little does he know is that if he had come home and said...Hey Kerry, go watch your shit TV while I help the kids with homework and clean up the dinner it would have been prime time for sure!

So football and soccer season are coming to an end. Oh how I will miss all the fast food dinners and children fighting in the car. We run right back into basketball. Thank God only one of these people I live with are good at basketball. I kind of feel like a gerbil in the wheel. Football, soccer, laundry, cooking, cleaning, finding all these people's shit, driving, year after year.

Today I woke up and decided I need to get my fast food football season ass in shape. I ate good and turned on exercise TV. I also decided to put on a sports half shirt and yoga pants. I let my muffin top hang out all day hoping it would motivate me to do something about it. I did try like hell to do the exercise TV. I made it through most of it. I just plain hate exercise. A work in progress is all I have to say. It's funny because in my twenties I had a rockin body even though I thought I was fat. I only wish I was that fat now. In my early thirties I fought the after baby fat, just plain tired as shit I didn't even really care. I hit forty and everything went to shit. I have fat in places I didn't know you could have it. My thoughts on this are I believe we should age in reverse...life would be so much better. That saying....you don't what ya got till it's gone comes to mind.

So I'm getting ready for bed tonight. Hub's calls me in. He says....I can get a Tempur-pedic mattress right now for a steal. He is in the furniture business so once in a while we get some really good deals. He says...I can get this seven thousand dollar mattress for 1600. I say....wow 1600 hundred dollars would do wonders on my face. He says... you don't need work on your face all those people look messed up. I beg to differ! So anyway we go back to the mattress conversation. He says it is an adjustable bed. We would sleep with our legs and head raised slightly. This means we would sleep on our backs. He tells me we would get the best sleep of our lives on this. I tell him I can't sleep on back cause I have awful nightmares on my back. He looks at me and says...your crazy it doesn't matter how you sleep as far as nightmares go. I say....Oh yes it does because I want to sleep on my back because it causes you to not have parentheses on the face but I can't. I try all the time only to have a nightmare. He once again tells me he thinks I'm crazy. I'm not! I always have nightmares on my back.

So anyway, too tired to proof read so sorry for bad grammar and misspelling. I have really not been in the mood to write lately. These people I live with are still driving me crazy, anal Hub's called me out on what I don't do. I think if I didn't do what I did all day he would be shocked at what the house would look like. Still hoping that God hears my prayers of wanting to wake up a different person. The one who is the best Mom and likes exercise and eating right!