It's been a really long time since my last post. Lately I feel like I have jumped in the deep end of a pool and can't find my way up. Bumps in the road I guess. I always hate when people say things like that. Lets be honest bumps in the road suck. I think the worst thing is when people say things like...."this will only make you stronger". Bullshit I say!!!!!! We only say that shit to make ourselves feel better.
Dad....aka....Grumps came to town last week to see Blake's football game. I was glad that Blake got a lot of playing time. Since my Dad's birthday is the day before Halloween we got to take him out to dinner. We had a great visit but it went way too fast as usual.
I finally tried the Dr Oz 48 hour cleanse. So I am all pumped to do this. I wake up and make the quinoa and prunes breakfast. It looks and smells disgusting. Well let me tell you it taste just as bad. I'm trying to choke it down. I start to come up with reasons not to eat it all. I think most people doing this are bigger than me. Maybe I don't need as much. It took me two hours to eat it. It brought me back to my nine year old self. I remember just a few times sitting at the kitchen table trying to choke down food I didn't like. Grumps and Patty weren't that bad about making me eat stuff. There were a few occasions that I found myself at the kitchen table after everyone had left. There was a shelf that sat behind our kitchen table. On that shelf was a cookie jar. I had come up with clever ways on how to get rid of the food when Patty was not watching. Sometimes I would stuff the food in a napkin and put it in the cookie jar. Other times I would hold as much in mouth as I could and go spit it in the toilet. Life would have been much easier if we had a family dog.
The next thing on the list is a smoothie. 1/2 cup of pineapple. 2 large cucumbers, 1 bunch of kale, 1 lemon, ginger and mint. It doesn't sound half bad. The first few sips are alright. This is very thick by the way. The kale almost makes it chewy. It makes a lot and you are supposed to drink it all day. Half way through it the strong smell and taste of mint is absolutely nauseating. Not to mention the shit looks like seaweed. Once again forcing it down. I better lose some weight! Your meals are pretty much raw vegetables with alittle olive oil and lemon juice. That I can handle. I get through the first day. I did have one small breakdown and stuffed my face full of chips as if I was Mango from SNL. So I'm thinking this shit should be coming out right? Cleansing my system getting rid of muffin top and unsightly bloating. Nothing yet.
Day two, can't bring myself to ever eat that quinoa shit again. I make a blueberry, banana, chia seed, almond milk, and flaxseed oil shake. This is really tasty. All the sudden the consistency becomes like jello. It's not as good when you have to eat it with a spoon. Later after watching Dr Oz he is talking about chia seeds. He says they expand in liquids. A heads up would have been nice! The next time I made the shake I ate the seeds separately. Dinner is red onion, celery, fennel bulb with the stalk, shitake mushrooms, garlic, and cabbage. You boil all this in water with paprika, sea salt, pepper, oregano, and caraway seeds. Lets just say I know why they named those mushrooms shitake. THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT! Overall this was not as bad as it sounds. I make it through day two with a few little changes I made to it. I did have one crazy lady breakdown in the pantry with the chips. Still waiting to cleanse and still nothing. I was afraid to do this cleanse at work. I thought I would be in the bathroom all day.
So I made it through the 48 hour cleanse with just a few bumps in the road. Would I do it again????? Hell NO! Blake and I head out to Target the next night. I'm in the checkout line and the cleanse hits me. This cleanse is ready to roll it doesn't care that I'm behind two people. It really came out of no where. There was no stomach ache warning, no gas, no nothing! I think I can hold this. So I'm standing in line with my butt cheeks squeezed together as hard as I can stand it, sweating bullets, and going cross eyed. Maybe the guy was moving slow or maybe everything just seemed to be going in slow motion. I'm having a war in my head with myself. I'm finally all checked out. I give Blake the keys and tell him to go load the car. I run to the bathroom praying no one is in there. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to go to the bathroom in public. When I'm at work I drive home to go. When I sold furniture I used to have an out of order sign I would put on the door. That worked like a charm most of the time. There is always that asshole that has no regard to the sign. So I get in the bathroom and there are three people in there. SHIT, is what is going through my head. I go in the last stall waiting for these people to finish up. I hear the last one leave so I look under the stall to make sure I'm all clear. Talk about being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I stayed home for two days waiting for this. So there I am on the pot in Target and a cleansing poop is one that is quick. I hear someone open the door. I go to flush really quick. Guess what......No flusher. It is one that flushes when you get up. So I jump up away from the toilet so it will flush. I sit back down because this is far from over. I wait for round two till I hear the person leave. I'm finally done with no more interruptions. After it's done I feel fantastic. I look back to see what a cleanse poop looks like. I will not go into details lets just say I never saw anything like that before. I may just do this cleanse thing once a month. Well probably not!
The days that followed I continued to cleanse even though I had already gone back to my bad eating habits. Then it happened, the thing I've waited for the last five years! Dr Oz always talks about these S shaped poops. He says if your system is functioning right you should shit S shapes. I had an S shaped poop. I might have jumped for joy over the toilet. I called my sister....aka...Twisty to tell her about this S. She says....I don't believe you, did you take a picture? I say...No I did not take a picture. She tells me I should have! See there is a reason I call her Twisty. Anyway I would recommend this 48 hour cleanse for sure.
The other night Hub's and I are in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He looks over at me and says....is sex out of the question. I say...Um yes! He says....your 41 aren't you supposed to be in your prime? I tell him I think I skipped my prime and went right into to mental pause. He tells me he thinks he got cheated. I tell him it's really not sexy or a turn on for someone to be standing there flossing their teeth asking for sex. He says....in a few years we are going to be old and tired and not care about sex. I tell him I'm already there! Now little does he know is that if he had come home and said...Hey Kerry, go watch your shit TV while I help the kids with homework and clean up the dinner it would have been prime time for sure!
So football and soccer season are coming to an end. Oh how I will miss all the fast food dinners and children fighting in the car. We run right back into basketball. Thank God only one of these people I live with are good at basketball. I kind of feel like a gerbil in the wheel. Football, soccer, laundry, cooking, cleaning, finding all these people's shit, driving, year after year.
Today I woke up and decided I need to get my fast food football season ass in shape. I ate good and turned on exercise TV. I also decided to put on a sports half shirt and yoga pants. I let my muffin top hang out all day hoping it would motivate me to do something about it. I did try like hell to do the exercise TV. I made it through most of it. I just plain hate exercise. A work in progress is all I have to say. It's funny because in my twenties I had a rockin body even though I thought I was fat. I only wish I was that fat now. In my early thirties I fought the after baby fat, just plain tired as shit I didn't even really care. I hit forty and everything went to shit. I have fat in places I didn't know you could have it. My thoughts on this are I believe we should age in reverse...life would be so much better. That saying....you don't what ya got till it's gone comes to mind.
So I'm getting ready for bed tonight. Hub's calls me in. He says....I can get a Tempur-pedic mattress right now for a steal. He is in the furniture business so once in a while we get some really good deals. He says...I can get this seven thousand dollar mattress for 1600. I say....wow 1600 hundred dollars would do wonders on my face. He says... you don't need work on your face all those people look messed up. I beg to differ! So anyway we go back to the mattress conversation. He says it is an adjustable bed. We would sleep with our legs and head raised slightly. This means we would sleep on our backs. He tells me we would get the best sleep of our lives on this. I tell him I can't sleep on back cause I have awful nightmares on my back. He looks at me and says...your crazy it doesn't matter how you sleep as far as nightmares go. I say....Oh yes it does because I want to sleep on my back because it causes you to not have parentheses on the face but I can't. I try all the time only to have a nightmare. He once again tells me he thinks I'm crazy. I'm not! I always have nightmares on my back.
So anyway, too tired to proof read so sorry for bad grammar and misspelling. I have really not been in the mood to write lately. These people I live with are still driving me crazy, anal Hub's called me out on what I don't do. I think if I didn't do what I did all day he would be shocked at what the house would look like. Still hoping that God hears my prayers of wanting to wake up a different person. The one who is the best Mom and likes exercise and eating right!
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