Twisty and the Golden jerk return to Austin

Twisty and the Golden jerk came for another visit. It couldn't come at a better time. I have been a little down lately. Kind of feel like I'm in a black hole that keeps sucking me farther and farther down. Maybe it's my kids or maybe it's premature mental pause. When Twisty comes we always act like kids and belly laugh most of the time at each other.

They came on Wednesday. Thursday we went to the kids school for lunch. Thursday night we watched shit TV. Friday night we played dominoes. Blake and his friend played with us. Big mistake I should have never let Twisty play with the middle school boys. She likes to morph into a middle school kid sometimes. It started out alright. Then Twisty starts the farting. It doesn't stop. Then she has the nerve to blame my cooking even though she is the only one farting. I text my Mom...aka...positive Patty. I text.....We are playing dominoes and Twisty is farting loud in front of Blake and his friend. Patty text right back..... She will make a good pig for Halloween, Oink, oink. I text back she is ridiculous. Patty text back.....What is wrong with her??? Then she text and asks if Blake is embarrassed. I text back...not at all, his friend even said his Aunt does the same thing. Patty text back....tell her to put a cork in it. So we continue with our game and belly laugh over how loud Twisty can fart. At one point we are laughing so hard That Twisty jumps up from the table bent over holding her ass running to the pot. I yell, what's wrong, are you going to shit your pants????? I'm laughing so hard I have tears running down my face. She comes back out after a while. She says....if I would have shit on the floor you would have had to clean it! Mean while we get another text from positive Patty. This one says....On Dr Oz he said it is normal to gas after sex. Problem is no one is having sex here! I don't respond because we are back deep into our game of dominoes. At one point I ask Twisty if her thing is still up....meaning her train. She looks at me with a shit eating grin and says....Really....as she belly laughs. I look at her and say...really Perv???? Didn't know she had a thing to be up....just saying! So we get another text from positive Patty. It says..... What happened did Kelly fart on your phone? Once you get Patty going on text it's hard for her to stop. BTW, no alcoholic beverages were consumed during this game of dominoes...that is just how Twisted she is.

Saturday I ran to HEB while Twisty and Golden jerk napped. Life is hard for them. So I'm at HEB minding my own business when all of the sudden I lock eyes with my all time favorite neighborhood famous guy. Do I play it cool???? Hell no, my mouth drops open and my eyes look like I'm a deer in headlights. He gives me a little grin. I feel dizzy almost sick to my stomach. I call Twisty right away to tell her who I just saw. She tells me to get a picture. I follow him around the store like a crazy teenage stalker. I can't get a picture. It would be way too obvious. I see that he is heading for the checkout. I forget what I have come for and I jump in line right behind him. Usually I have a pretty quick tongue. I'm going over and over in my head what to say to him.......I got nothing. He is chatting it up with the checkout girl who seems to have no idea who he is. He makes a comment about one of the headlines on the gossip magazines. I think to myself....I can say to him....All those Hollywood people are the same followed by a little laugh. Do I say it??? Hell no, I am frozen. So I watch as Kyle Chandler pays for his groceries and walks away. I had my chance once again to speak to him and blew it big time! I go to my car going over in my head all the things I could have said. Hey how about just a simple congrats on your Emmy. I get home and Twisty and I giggle like two middle school girls about him. Then we get ready for a night out without any kids.

It is a friend of ours fortieth birthday. I make a poster of him dressed up from last Halloween. He was dressed like Buzz Light year. Lets just say no grown man anywhere should ever dress up as Buzz Light year. For he will never live this down. I don't even care that he did it to make his two year old who was dressed as Woody happy. This is just too good not to poke fun at. We went the the Barbershop a new little bar in Dripping that used to in fact be a barbershop.

Twisty right away picks up the only dog in the place. She has a bad habit of attracting dogs. They are as drawn to her as she is to them.

Me I pick up a dog of my own. This one has probably already had three ex wives that have tried to train him. I have to let him down easily and tell him we are not a match made in heaven. His wife beater shirt says it all for me. Not to mention Hub's is in the next room over. I try to lure Twisty to the dark side of drinking and force beers down her throat. After a few beers she gets a little mouthy and I am regretting that decision.

The night goes way too fast. So I invite a few people back to our house to drink some more. Always sounds good at the time. You think I would have learned my lesson in 41 years.

It's been a while since my last blog entry. This pre mental pause has stumped me and I have had no desire to write about anything. I have so much to catch up on. First and foremost my Mom...aka positive Patty would like me to retract something I wrote in a blog entry about Blake turning 14. I was writing about the day he was born. She was in the delivery room with me. I said she said my butt hole looked like cauliflower. After she read this she called me mortified that I had wrote that down. She swears she would have never said that. I swear I thought she did.....I was on drugs though. I guess it must have been Hub's. So I take back what I said about her. She also seems to find my misspellings and bad grammar the funniest part of my blog. She says.....you don't even know how to spell yada, yada, yada. I'm guessing I spelled it yata. I have my own secret language though. She then tells me she wishes she could help me with my blog. I guess she is saying I need a ghost writer. My misspelling give people something to laugh at though. The fact that I'm 41 and still can't use to and too correctly makes people laugh. Especially Twisty.


We are now knee deep into football season with these people I live with. This for me means lots of trips to fast food places. They know me at McDonald's now. I think I'm going to put some wigs and glasses in my car since the last time I was there the guy said I should get a job there. I can roll up in a hot pink wig and the guy will never know I'm am there for the second time that day. This also for me means I have super sized my ass in just six short weeks.

After trying to get a pair of jeans on last night I decided to go on the Dr. Oz 48 hour cleanse. I headed to grocery store with my list of some things that I had no idea what they were. What scares me is tomorrows breakfast. Half cup of quinoa, I know what your thinking. What the hell is quinoa. I didn't know either. I had to ask for help on a few things I have never bought before. I head over to the healthy section that I don't know the first thing about. I see an HEB guy. I say....I can't seem to find this quinoa stuff. He tells me to turn around it's right behind me. It looks like tan colored poppy seeds but taste like sand. So anyway tomorrows breakfast is a half cup of quinoa, 1 cup of water, 1 pinch of nutmeg, 1 tsp of ginger, 1 tbsp of flax seed, 1/3 cup of chopped prunes, and 1/4 cup of rice milk. Sounds delish right????? I hate milk by the way. The fact that rice milk comes in a box from the shelf makes the hairs on my arm stand up. Because I have to work all day tomorrow I'm rethinking starting tomorrow. I'm afraid I will be spewing green shit (literally) out of every hole in my body. I don't want a customer to come in to see my head twisting like the exorcist. Anyway, hopefully more to come if I can get out of this black hole that seems to have sucked me in!