Last Wednesday I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my front door. I pop up and realize I have over slept. I think it's the two little guys ride to school. Not so much, totally slept through that one. It is my neighbor who I'm supposed to give a ride to the bus stop. So I let him in. He must think I'm the craziest person on the planet. I not only look rode hard and put away wet but I'm screaming and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Thank God he was a few minutes early. This gives Blake five minutes to get dressed and brush his teeth. Not my finest moment. I get them to the bus stop. I run upstairs to get dumb and dumber out of bed. I see that Aidan had stole my cell phone the night before. This is why I over slept, I had the alarm set on it. It was going off but it was under his pillow drowning out the sound of the alarm. I wake them up so I can take them to school with my tail between my legs. They tell me they have sore throats. This is not far fetched because I went to bed the night before with an awful sore throat. I believe them forgetting that I told them to leave me alone last night because my throat hurt. I'm secretly glad I do not have to face the school secretary and tell her I overslept.
I have a hair appointment at noon. I set them up on the couch with a movie and a cell phone. I call my neighbor to make sure he is home in case they need something while I'm gone. I head out to get my hair done. While in the chair with my hair half done in foils I start to have a mother of all mother panic attacks. I can't control it and my mind has taken off and run with it. I think I'm going to have to tell the hairdresser that I need to go. I try to talk myself down. I'm sweating, my heart is racing, my skin is crawling, the room feels sideways, and I feel as if I could pass out or throw up. I keep moving around. The girl says....did you have a lot of caffeine before you came, you seem jumpy today. I say.....Yes. I don't want to tell her that I'm about to jump out of my skin and I feel I may die in the chair. I keep trying to talk myself off the ledge, I'm seriously on the verge of tears at this point. I feel like I'm about to crack. I make deals with God in my head. I think this is it....I'm making a doctors appointment when I get home. I power through the foils. I feel like my mind is the enemy....it just won't stop! After I get the foils out I feel alittle better. I can make an excuse to leave with wet hair. The color is done. I really like the way she styles it so I power through the rest. I leave with great hair, but I cry all the way home.
I get home the house is a mess, Thank God Hub's is out of town. I yell at the kids to pick up. They want to make cupcakes. This is something I do when they are sick to make them feel better. I starting to think by the state of the house that they are not sick at all. I want to do the cupcakes to get my mind off the panic. Aidan always wants to help cook. His wife can thank me later. So Aidan and I are getting all the stuff ready to bake. He is putting ingredients in the bowl. Cole comes around the corner with a Santa cap and a cape on. He says, in his most dramatic voice.......Super boy would like to bake too. I don't know why but this cracks my ass up. I find myself laughing uncontrollably. Not for long though the fighting soon follows.
The next day the kids walk over to my work after school. The nice thing is I work right across the street from their school. Well was nice I got let go this week because they no longer need me. Sadly I'm going to miss this very convenient job. So they walk over and they want to play with their friends. I tell them they are grounded for faking an illness yesterday. Cole takes the grounding news well. Aidan morphs into a two year old and has a full blown tantrum in my model home. He is throwing himself on the ground crying and whining. I'm trying to read the Marcia Brady biography which is surprisingly interesting. He won't stop. I start to get mad. I pull out a calender that they give to customers. I tell Aidan to look at the date. He does. I tell him every time he complains or whines I'm going to make a check mark on another day he is grounded. We are now up to three days checked and something goes terribly wrong. It's almost like he hit an angry nerve in me. I'm now screaming at him, screaming like everything that ever made me mad is coming out. I look at him and he looks like a deer in headlights. He knows he has crossed the line. He goes away for a bit. I sit in a chair crying with my hands over my face. I wish there was a rewind button for life. If there was I would rewind and start over with all of my kids. All I can think is ...I have done something wrong with raising them and I want to start over. He comes back around the corner and says...Mommy I love you and I am sorry. I say I'm sorry for yelling and grounding you hurts me more than it hurts you. Don't get me wrong, not because I feel bad about grounding him. It is because I have to listen to him complain about it for the next three days. Wonder if that's what my parents were thinking when they said that saying I said I would never use.
I decide I'm going to make him keep this new do. He is going to go to football and school and explain why he looks like an old man with a receding hair line. I'm pretty much fed the "F" up with these people at this point. He tries to tell me he is cool with this and thinks it's funny. I'm not laughing. He also asks me everyday if I can take him to the hairdresser to fix this. I'm not budging on this one!
Everyone wants the dog but Hub's! I don't know why but he wins. I usually win but I must not be up on my game.
So I make that doctors appointment against my better judgement. I'm the total ignorance is bliss kind of girl. I feel the less you know the better off you are. I find a new doctor who is a one stop shop. She can do my well exam plus a pap. Now I haven't had a pap in a good three years. I don't like doctors for some reason. What I hate is they send you in with a nurse a first. The nurse asks you all the questions that the doctor asks you after you wait forever. So the nurse is like what's going on. I tell her I'm fatigued, My having hot flashes which is probably because I have MS, I tell her I'm having a hard time sleeping, I have anxiety, maybe depression, forgetfulness, mood swings, muscle pain which is probably MS, can't get rid of muffin top even though I'm working out for the first time ever, and awful panic attacks. She says she is going to get my weight and blood pressure. I start to panic being the ignorance is bliss girl. I get on the scale. Not as bad as I thought but still ten pounds heavier than I would like. Then there is blood pressure mine is always high when I see a doctor. Because I told her about anxiety she comes in with a questionnaire. It makes me laugh kind of. I answer yes for most. There is a part about alcohol, it asks if you ever drive drunk. Now I have in my younger years but I would never now! I wonder if someone does this do they really answer yes?????
Anyway they put me in another room to wait for the doctor. She tells me to get undressed from the waist down and remove my bra. I feel the fear of total violation set in. So there I sit bottom less and bra less waiting for the doctor. I wait and wait and then I hear the nurse giving the doctor a background on my craziness. Now I find myself pant less with my ear against the door trying to hear what they are saying. I hear nothing after a while so I jump back up on the table. There is knock at the door and the doctor walks in. So here it sit with no pants with the piece of paper they give you to cover privates. The doctor sits in a chair right in front of me and asks what is going on. Now I just went over all this with the nurse and heard them go over all this right outside the door. So I re tell my sad tale. Really on the verge of tears which is how I have been for months. She checks everything my heart, my lungs, and then calls the nurse in to do the pap with her. As soon as she does the pap she says.....Oh...how old are you? I say 41. She says....I really never see this at your age but you are in menopause. For fucks sake! I'm supposed to be in my prime.....are you kidding me???? I've been cheated! Did I miss my prime???? WTF, is this! After this everything is blur. I know she felt my tummy and said I had sist on my ovaries......Later I thought what if those are tumors!
We go over some more stuff. Like I need a colonoscopy, and a brain scan, some blood work, I need to see a balance specialist, and she suggest acupuncture might help. My head is seriously spinning. Why can't I just be Happy, healthy, and wealthy! Doesn't the UNIVERSE listen to anything I say????????? I did not say I would like to oppt out of my prime for Mental pause!
The next day I go to work. I can't help "googling" menapause....aka...mental pause. The first thing I read is premature menopause only affects 1% of women. 1% percent????? If I was going to be in 1% for something can't it be the lotto. Then there is a list of symptoms related to mental pause. Night sweats......yep had those. Hot flashes.....check! Insomnia......for sure. Headache....thought that was a side affect of living with these people. Muscle pain...yep, hard to know if that is from MS or mental pause. Here's one of my favorites. BODY SHAPE CHANGES AROUND THE ABDOMEN. Well hello that explains a lot! I was starting to wonder why working out was not doing shit! I get it now fucking mental pause! At least I have something to blame it on. Anxiety, depression, cravings, forgetfulness, fatigue, and mood swings!!!!!! This explains a lot! I feel better about that crying fit I had in my closet the other day....I was not going crazy....it is fucking mental pause! Next it says 90% of the 1% of women in early mental pause have move severe symptoms!!!!!GREAT! They also say it last eight years......eight years!!!!! I'm not a "Why me" kind of girl, wait scratch that girl, I mean old ass in mental pause! But today I am a "why me" kind of old ass in mental pause!
My friend with the pup texts me a picture of the pup I love. Things like this can send me over the edge now. I could cry over a picture. Fucking mental pause! I forward the pup pic to Hub's. I text him.......Can I have her as a mental pause gift....PLEASE! He text back.......Menopause gift??? Are you dry humping me???? I text back....Did you have to use the word dry hump....you insensitive ass! Then I text back......you make me more sad! Mean while Kelly....aka...Twisty shoots me a text. I text her the pic of the pup and say...Mental pause gift! She text back....yes...use that! I text her back about the 1% thing. She text back....You know it's Menopause not Mental pause right???? I text back.....Yes you asshole! I not mental I'm just in fucking mental pause! I hope after they get all my blood work back they can regulate all this for me. If not my kids are going to need therapy in their future...I will ruin them for sure!
I still can't get that prime thing out of my head!!!! Did I miss mine because I was too busy raising these people???? Did it skip me???? Can you be in your prime and mental pause at the same time?????? I can see how that would play out. I would come in the room and say....I'm feeling a little frisky. Then I would say....wait is it hot in here????? We would move to the bed and I would get a fucking muscle cramp. I will have to say....can you be a dear and rub that muscle cramp instead! That would pass, he will throw my legs up in the air and my muffin top will flap over and lay under my boobs. I will start to cry uncontrollably. He will say he doesn't care. I will say....I have a headache, I'm craving some chocolate, I forgot what got me in the mood, and I'm just plain depressed! Then I will go to the bathroom and throw up!!! I will come out of the bathroom naked with full on muffin top my head will be spinning and green stuff will be flying out of my mouth. Sounds SEXY, right???? Prime time, baby! Too tired to proof read because I'm in mental pause! 
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