This past Sunday was my babies 14th birthday. I find my self thinking where has the time gone????? I sound like an old ass right now. That is a saying I always remember old people saying to me. Are all you old people happy out there???? You were right. The biggest thing that scares me about this is he will be driving in two years! I need a vodka drink, or a whiskey drink!
I will never forget the day my baby was born. Not to mention the 70 pounds I put on with this sucker. My face got so fat that my nostrils spread out. I went to bed reading that "what to expect when expecting" book. Hub's got home from work late that night. He had inventory at his job. When he got into bed I was reading him the signs of labor. I was scared to death of labor since he was my first born. I finally fell asleep late. I'm a night owl by nature. I woke up at 5:30 thinking I had to poop. I had this pressure in my belly. Nothing was coming. I kept laying back down and getting back up trying to poop. Then all the sudden I kept getting a stabbing sensation in my back. It was coming about every ten minutes. I wake Hub's up and tell him I think I am in labor. He tells me you just have to poop go back to bed. Really because he has had a baby before and he would know right?????? I keep complaining so he calls the doctor thinking he is going to prove me wrong. The doctor says....sounds like she is in labor you bet get to the hospital. As much as I want to say.....told ya so, I'm in too much pain! We get ready to go, this being my first I fear that he will pop out in the car. I could just see us on the side of the road waving a white flag. Some stranger would pull over to deliver him. The stranger will have a God awful name and I will feel the need to name him after him.
So we get in the car. Hub's says....don't call anyone till we get to the hospital and find out if your really in labor. Still thinking I don't know what I'm talking about! Does this guy know me at all???? How can I not call anyone. I love to be the center of attention. This is my time! I call my Mom first. She asks if I want her to get on a plane. I say...No just wait. I call his parents next. We get to the hospital and his Dad beats us there. We find him pacing around the lobby waiting for us.
They get me in a room. They confirm that yes I am in labor but I'm only dilated to a two. For Fucks sake this is going to be a long day. I call my Mom back to tell her. She is planning on coming for a week to help with the baby. She asks if I want her to come. I say.....just wait till after I have him so we have more time at home together. After about an hour and a God awful enema I call my Mom back in tears! She is at work now. I say in a most pathetic crying voice....can you please come this hurts way more than I expected. She says she will get on the next flight. There is something about having your Mom around when your in pain that makes you think it will be all better. Btw, an enema is for the birds. I took it fearing I would shit on the table. That was an awful experience. When they shoot that water up your butt it hurts. Not to mention it feels like that water shoots up your ass, up your spine into your brain. The next two I said no thanks to that. I would rather shit on the table for sure.
As the day went on I was on the horn to all of my friends and co workers telling them what was going on. I was in awful pain. They would not give me an epidural because I was dilating so slow. In stead they were giving me a drug to speed up the dilating. A nurse comes in to tell me how slow I'm dilating. She wants me to walk up and down the hallway to speed things up. All I can think is.........Is this bitch for real. Hub's is asleep on the couch in my room. His Father walks up and down the hallway with me for what seemed to be a lifetime. The waves of awful pain were coming within five minutes. He walked with me holding my hand. At one point he grabbed a rocking chair out of a room. He put it in the hallway so when the pain came I could sit and rock it out.
I finally said....enough is enough I can't walk I need to lay down. Now we are into the afternoon. I'm in bed and my room is filled with family and my friend Kim. My mother in law is letting me squeeze her hand during the contractions. I actually squeezed one of her big ass diamonds out of her ring. I'm hooked up to this thing that tracts your contractions. I have people in the room watching it. They are telling me this is going to be a big one. Don't they know I'm an ignorance is bliss girl. I don't want to know. I want to yell....shut the front door, but that is not me! I just do those things in my head. My Father in law goes to get my Mom. I just want her here before this baby comes.
I don't even remember who in the room when my Mom gets there. All I know is I'm so happy she is here. Right before she got there they finally gave me the most wonderful epidural in the world. I couldn't feel a thing all the pain just magically went away. When they were giving me the epidural hub's was in there. They had me lean over on the bed while they shot a sword like needle in my back. I had all these nurses helping me. I hear one of the nurses say Dad don't look so good. The next thing I know they all leave my side to help Hub's to a chair. He is about to pass out. They are all scrambling to him to get him in a chair with some OJ. Bullshit I say, I'm the one having a baby here, forget him!
I am finally going to pop this sucker out after very many painful hours. I think we had got to the hospital twelve hours before this actually started to happen. Not to mention the hours before we got there when Hub's thought I just had to poop. I have a bunch of people in the room. Still never seeing my doctor. My friend Kim informs me that my twat looks like a piece of raw meat. TMI, for sure! They kick everyone out except Hub's and my Mom. It then becomes crazy. They break down my bed, put me in stirrups, and hit these Hollywood lights on my stuff. Still no Doctor! The doctor finally comes in. I have my Mom on one side and Hub's on the other. They end up having to vacuum his head out. Even though I went from 95 pounds to 165 pounds I am still small framed. Blake finally comes out facing my Mom eyes wide open. She reminds him he was facing her every B-day.
They call everyone in to see him after he is born. My Mom told me my butt hole turned inside out and looked like cauliflower. TMI, once again! I can't even explain how I felt. You have this overwhelming feeling of love. A love you never felt before. It is so unconditional. It's a love you can't put into words. I just made something perfect. You love your family, your husband, and your friends. This is different for sure. You just want everything to be perfect for this tiny person. You never want them to feel pain or be sick. This is until they hit the teenage years. It all goes down hill for sure. You end up not recognizing this perfect person you created. He used to look at you like you hung the moon. Now he looks at you as if you have three heads. Sometimes you do have three heads. Sometimes I even check in the mirror to make sure I don't have three heads.
A little re cap of my weekend. While sitting on the couch watching shit TV I hear glass breaking in the entry way. I pop up to see what happened. There is Cole and Aidan standing there looking like deers in headlights. I say....what the heck was that as I see a broken vase out of the corner of my eye. Cole scrambling for words says....Aidan throw his shoe at my head and it hit the vase. Before Cole even gets that out of his mouth, Aidan opens up the front door and starts running down the street. I walk out the front door and YELL......You better get back here you eventually have to come home if you want to eat, sleep. and live. He comes back and I have to lecture them once again about how we act in a house. About an hour goes by and we are all making our separate lunches. Cole and I are eating at the island. Aidan asks if he could have the left over burrito from sonic. I say sure pop it in the microwave. All the sudden Aidan is yelling....FIRE, FIRE, FIRE. Once again he runs out the front door. I go to the microwave and sure as shit it is on fire. He put that burrito in there with tin foil on it. See why I call them dumb and dumber. I put out the fire. A few minutes later Aidan peeks his head in the door and asks if it is safe to come in. I say....No, you set the house on fire now get out of here before I set your ass on fire. Alright I might have just been thinking that but jeez! I'm dressed in some running shorts and a tank top this day. Blake walks in and asks my why I'm dressed like this. I say....like what???? He says....Like you just worked out. Then he says...Are you trying to look like you workout to all your friends???? I say....maybe I did work out. He says....yeah right and rolls his eyes at me. Hello I think I see anti depressants in my future. Sorry for bad grammar, miss spelling, run on sentences, ect, ect. Too tired again to check! Oh yes and Happy Birthday to my wonderful teenager.
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