Time is flying

These people I live with......

I don't live with some of them anymore. When I started this blog my house was large and in charge, full of life. My house was never quiet rarely clean. My pantry was full. My life was insane if I can be honest. Three boys playing sports. I was running like a chicken with my head cut off. Wondering sometimes if I could get through the day and keep them alive or myself. The days were long but the years were short. 

Running to three different schools at one point. I felt like all I did was pick up and drop off. Sometimes empty inside wishing these days would end. School parties, birthday parties, sports parties.....when will this end???? Messy house, tripping over backpacks and toys. The unending cooking and cleaning.  Complete chaos. Sleep overs and the never ending stream of kids in and out. We were the house the kids came to. 

Then there was not so perfect kids. The judgement of other parents. The compare game in my head. When will this end??? Now I say that was nothing and who cares really? My kids did normal teenage crap. I got out alright. Christmas and the un ending on line shopping for ridiculous shit. Again when will this end?? Fighting OHHH the fighting with three boys.....The 5000 thousand times a day they yelled MOM! He's touching me, this is not fair, you are the worst Mom ever, everyone else can, you don't understand, this is so stupid, WHY, and so on and so on. In my wildest dreams I never imagined I would miss the chaos. 

Before my eyes my boys grew up. I could no longer carry them to bed. The bath time I dreaded was gone. Those sweet little voices were gone. Them wanting me around for everything went away. School parties, Christmas parties, field trips, games, all went away. In a blink of an eye. Now I hear myself saying things that used to make me cringe when old people said them to me. Enjoy these years...they go so fast. Just wait before you know it they are grown up. Enjoy driving them around you will miss these days. Those old asses are spot on. I often think what I would give to go back or freeze a certain part of my life. I would give anything to go back to that chaos. I miss it so much. I feel these were the best years of my life. Who would have thought. Even the bad times. 

My house is different now. These people I live with are no longer a torn in my side. They are gone. My house is quiet and clean. No noise, no filled pantry, no driving, nothing to do, no three games on any given day. . Now they are a torn in my pocket book with college. NO FUN. They owe me a facelift when they make money. Because they took years off my youthful glow...LOL 

So I sit here on a Friday night nothing to do, no football game. No waiting for them to get home at night. No wondering where they are, if they are where they are supposed to be. No them or their friends in my house. Again the house is quiet and clean. The pantry is empty. Me and the dogs watching Hallmark. Hubs asleep. TOO QUIET. 

My kids are doing well. That makes me happy. Blake is working a full time job in land surveying. Still with his girlfriend from middle school. Cole is away at college station going to A&M. Still with his HS girlfriend.  Aidan AKA pig pen is still a pig, a senior now, never around, just leaving dishes behind ....a rolling stone, no girlfriend. I don't write this blog often anymore. I started it for my kids to look back on. God help them when the read back. I wish I kept up with it. I love reading back on our stories. Makes me sad that our story went so fast. I sent Cole...AKA..my almost perfect kid a picture that popped up on my timeline through facebook.  One of him playing football. Said I miss these days. He said "I miss them too, makes me sad those days are over". I might have done a happy dance...knowing that he too misses our time back in the day. Damn I sound OLD! He said something when he went to college that will stay with me forever. I was doing the ugly cry hugging him. He said " I'm super sad that my years are gone living with you and Dad as a kid in our home". That is a hard a pill to swallow as a parent. Mostly because he's right those years are gone. 

I know I've said it before....To all you people with younger kids....enjoy them, it goes so fast. Don't sweat the small stuff and do not compare your family to others. It's a mind fuck that in the long run doesn't matter. You do you and what's good for you. Because these days go so fast. Now I'm just waiting for college graduations so I can have money again...and weddings and grandkids! No writer here So excuse run on's and bad writing. It is what it is! 

kids growing up lighting fast

Addiction sucks

Addiction......an evil word. When I think about addiction I think back to this picture. I love this picture we were all so happy and innocent. Sheltered from the big bad evil world. My brother was adorable. And Kelly and I too. LOL! We knew nothing about how cruel the world could be. I liked that time. I honestly wish we had a do over. There is much I would say as the older sister. But I had no clue. 

My brother became addicted to drugs at a young age. He was so smart and creative. It can happen to anyone. A disease. We were raised right. In church every Sunday. My parents were good parents honest and never used drugs. A perfect family.....of course not. Is there a perfect family??? But not the kind that would end up with a kid addicted to drugs.  We checked all the boxes. Good parents, solid family life. How did this happen? I ask myself that daily. Guilt? We all carry it. As I'm sure most families going through this do. We all wonder what we could have done differently. 

When I was young probably because I'm a girl I imagined myself and my siblings raising kids together. I didn't imagine that, this little boy that was so full of life and so talented and funny would end up an addict. We all had our struggles over the years. But his was different,  this addiction took hold of him.  NO ONE wants to be an addict. Who would want that? Addicts are not who they are supposed be. They don't think they have a problem and play the blame game. They blame us for their addiction and issues, and it hurts.  This has gone on so long for us. Over the years we have visited  my brother in a half way house. He has been in and out of rehabs. He has lived with us twice trying to beat this.  My parents can't enjoy retirement because they are trying to help him.  Never would anyone want that for anyone. I love my brother no matter what unconditional. We all miss him. We all morn what he was supposed to be. And we all carry the guilt of what we could have done different to help him. 

But it's our story. It's not a pretty one. It used to be embarrassing. But now I don't care what people think. I only care about us. I guess that comes with age. It's harder than anyone knows. It's heartbreaking because we know who he was before. He is so much more than this addiction. Like I said a good guy creative and funny.  I wish he could see that.  We see that. He has lost that. What I have had a hard time coming to terms with is that person is gone.  You morn that person at times. I said that I know. But it runs in my brain. I have a hard time remembering that person sometimes. I get so sad and angry sometimes. My parents really struggle with this too. The people who see him now see an addict. Said that too but it's true. I see my little brother full of life and super talented, my parents see that kid too.  My kids adore him because they don't understand yet. I cry a lot as well as my parents and sister about this.  I worry every night that I will get that phone call. Sometimes when my Dad calls I worry that he is calling to me my brother is gone.  I worry about what this has done to my parents. Honestly my parents hearts are broken from this. It makes me so mad at him sometimes. 

So Joe was living back home with my parents after he was living on streets. It was hard on them. Mostly because anyone who is a parent thinks they can help and fix things. But you can't sometimes.  I was there last summer and saw how hard it was. Joe was not right even though we all wanted to pretend he was ok. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  Tried to talk to him and connect to the brother I remember. But that brother was gone. It's hard writing this because I miss that brother. I would give anything to get him back. I pray a lot for him. I love him deeply. I pray he beats this demon. But in some way I get it too. He has a hard road, he has a lot to overcome. Not sure I could do it if I was in his shoes. I think about it a lot. He is 40 and has nothing, no home, no wife, no kids. Well there is us who loves him no matter what has happened. We are all here with open arms waiting for that day.  And a lot of extended family who love him too. Unfortunately he doesn't see us......Addiction and ugly word. I believe a lot of people have a person they know struggling. We all struggle with our own shit maybe not drugs but life is not easy for anyone.  

My parents recently had to make a decision I hope I never have to face with my kids. They had to have him removed from their home. It was not easy on them. How do you do that? The experts say they are enabling him. Which they were. But how do you put someone you love so much on the street? I can't imagine how Are the experts right?  I hope I never face this in lifetime. You have to because they are ruining your life and you are not helping them. Think about if that was your kid. Heartbreaking. So they had him removed. He left with the clothes on his back on a bike. Rode away on his bike. That haunts me everyday. My mother is still a mess about this. It was by far the hardest thing my Mom and Dad has ever done. I haven't talked to my brother in months. I worry daily that I will never see my brother again. I worry about my parents who are so upset and depressed. They did so much for him and loved him so much and for some dumb reason it didn't help him beat addiction. I pray every night for my brother and parents. I wish he knew how much we love him. 

I've struggled about posting this. My parents are private people. My sister and I are an open book. Who knows how that happened. But maybe it will reach someone, or help someone going through this. Maybe our brother will read this, and understand we love him. Growing older has taught me that everyone has something they struggle with. No one gets away with a perfect life. In life we have super highs and super lows. But most of us come out on top of our game. I'm sad because I feel Joe's life for the last 22 years has been super low, I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. He seems to be a tortured soul and that is a hard pill to swallow. 

Stuck at home with these people I live with.

So here we are Quarantined. My college student has moved back in my house. I missed him terribly. Until he came back home. He's loud, stays up all night on Xbox, and eats like he's never had a meal in his life. UGH did I really miss this???? Or did I miss the version of him in elementary school? My oldest is here now too.....with the the girlfriend since 6th grade. Thought I was almost an empty nester. Is that a real thing??? I have a full house again. At least now Hub's is not pushing me to sell my dream home. But not the fun an innocent house I moan for. Now I'm in the needy all I want is your money house. Get eggs, soup, milk, toilet paper house. Ugh hard to find right???? And toilet paper does not fall from the trees anymore. I could go on a whole toilet paper thing....who needs that much toilet paper right??????????

So let me fill you in. I honesty I feel we will be ok eventually. Hubs and I are both in strange jobs. Well not strange if the economy is in good shape we are golden. . Both are jobs depend on the economy being in good shape. It's how we pay our bills and put our kids through college. If the economy tanks we are in big trouble. We may not be able to help our kids as much as we have, It kills me . But listen we are not only stressing about that. But stressing more for the people who have jobs shutting down completely. My worry is for others. This is a big deal for single moms and people living paycheck to paycheck. So many people are going to affected from this.

On a lighter note. My hubs which I wish I took pictures of is walking around our house with a glove disinfecting every inch. I can't say anything bad or make fun of him. He's worried about me having MS. He's scared for me. But like I said on lighter moment. Aidan my youngest, was running around acting like the world is normal. God bless his heart he made TX relays it's a huge deal. Canceled as are many weddings, proms, and graduations. It not only effects him, but honesty everyone in some way. We all have things that effecting us in this time. My God jobs, weddings, vacations, seeing family, proms, graduations, It's a F'd up mess honestly. Like a bad dream but it's reality right now.

Started writing this weeks ago....Wow have things changed. Cole's car died too much money to fix....so it's worth nothing.  A BMW with 125 miles priceless. A thorn in my side...yes but there's more. Water heater went out....umm in this house seven years should still be fine. Not so much....under 50 days warrantee. good times. No hot water was kinda a bitch. Kitchen faucet springs a leak good times. Mike's truck died...needs a new battery, Well then there was Aidan who I can not say enough about. To him this is hell he made Texas relays.......a huge deal if you know about track. They take to top kids in the state to this. Canceled due to corona.  But I will say it took a lot of hard work to get there and he was beyond excited to be able to go.  But he still kept on doing everything it took not to fall behind. Not sure where he came from. Anyway to make my sad story worst. I get a call at my essential job from hubs...and hubs has little emotion usually. He's in a panic telling my Aidan is hurt. I don't usually freak out. But Hubs is usually calm is shaken. He tells me it's really bad.   His foot is sideways. They go to the nearest hospital. They put Aidan under and reset his foot. My God this kid I can't tell you how he has put his heart and soul into this sport. Pole vaulting into our pool, his bed (I have video) the backyard. I have three boys raised the same but they are very different go figure. But this one drives an hour away three times week to try and be the best. He is number four Texas. Totally bragging..LOL But now he is injured. To say he is depressed is an understatement.  Severe sprain a ton of torn ligaments. As shit show honestly. He's devastated



As much as this is affecting my family.  Everything is ruined. We all have been affected in some way. But people are dying alone. That haunts me. And the the people we lose can not be replaced. My kids don't get this..Mostly because they are young an immature. I'm trying to teach them this is no joke. They will not get it until it affects them.  I'm trying to teach them it's real.  Yes it sucks. My kids don't know anyone with this so they are not getting the staying at home thing. A true struggle. Trying to parent staying at home.


So Zoom is a thing....Friday night highlight.
Puzzles....who knew these can be fun and cause fights.....Damn puzzle hogs
game night hello
Too much time together it's a real struggle and a blessing at the time.
I miss my friends....Getting to know how important it is to see them.
Missing so much that was normal. A stay at home Hub's is for the birds BTW!


Feels like a nightmare. The "new normal" is terrible.

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40!

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40. This has been in my head for the last ten years! Literally. This is a picture of me at 40. I thought I was fat and looked old! It's my theory that I think we should age in reverse. Totally stealing that theory from the Benjamin button movie. I didn't have a pinch of fat, and I looked young. I didn't get it until I actually aged. Now I know what fat and old looks like. Kind of I'm not that fat...but fatter then at 40! My mom always told me if you don't like a picture of yourself now you will love it in ten years. She was right. And that was yesterday. It's Aidan's Aka Pig pens bday tonight. I posted pics of him through the years. It's been a sad day for me. Where did the years go....LOL I'm making this all about me and my issues! Get over myself right. At least I own it! Happy we have made it through the shitty years with almost no issues. Knock on wood...seriously. I don't want to count my chickens till they all hatch. Still have a year and a half to go with him. But he was my hardest in elementary school. Riddled with anxiety afraid of everything. But HS has been a breeze compared to his brothers. He's driven and such a hard worker. I'm so proud of him.

I'll never forget a few things my Mother said over the years. She told me before you know it your kids are grown and you are scratching your head where the years went. Check I'm there! Scratching is an understatement! My mother said and she may kill me that the key to happy marriage is bitting your tongue, putting out regularly,  and complement them a lot. Because us girls get the high maintenance pinned on our heads. Not the case though. Men are way more needy! She said men are simple they need food, sex, and compliments. Honestly  We get a bad wrap. Men are way more high maintenance. How many of you have a husband who thinks he's dying when he's sick. When we are sick we are driving kids to school and doing laundry. Right???? My Father said something that sticks in my head too. He said there will come a day when you look in mirror and don't recognize yourself. You will still feel young and realize your body is aging. I see that now.. No fun!

So fifty nifty, nifty fifty comes to mind.....Bullshit. Fifty fuck that... fifty how the fuck? Fifty Bullshit. Fifty fucking sucks. Fifty is great if you are Jennifer Lopez. My Dad is going to mad? He hates when I cuss... Old school I guess. I like it. But it ain't me. I love to cuss....not sure where I came from. My catholic school upbringing failed. I love God but I love to cuss. Makes me feel better. I will write something nice about my about to be 19 year Cole soon tomorrow So June is a good month for hubs. Hard to say. He turns 19 tomorrow. My Dad text me on my 50th bday.."happy 50th that's hard to say" But he was a child like 20 when he had me. He was 47 when I married. So young. Younger than me now! I love that my kids have so many great times with my parents over the years. They are my happiest memories. And my husbands mom has been there through so many good times too. His Dad got cheated and passed away young. But was there to see all my kids for a while. Also there to get me through the my first born.....oh how I cherish that. He was my rock that day. Miss that man all the time. He was one of a kind. Taught me a ton.

Anyway.... On my soapbox tonight. Life is hard, harder for some more than others. The older we get the harder it is. I was super naive in my younger years...probably longer than I should have been. The older we get we become scared from life. Disappointed in things and people. Some smart person once told me hold on to your family because they are the people who have your back no matter what. The good bad and the evil and they love you no matter what. So true, You find very few friends along the way that are just as good as your family that you can be honest and true with. I'm super blessed to have found those people in my life. And I'm really blessed I have have the best sister in the world, she will be forever my best friend.

50 years five million beers

50 years five million beers! Oh the things I have seen and done. Looks like I made it! At least to 50, which seemed so impossible and so old at age 20. But honestly it got here sooner than I thought it would. Wishing it hadn't gone so fast. Wishing for a do over. Thinking about it I don't feel 50 most days. Not that I know what it's supposed to feel like. I'm 50 for the first and last day of my life. I remember for some reason when my kids were born I calculated what their age would be when I was 50. I remember being upset that I would still have a kid in HS at age 50. Maybe because at that age 50 was OLD AS HELL! Maybe because my parents were in their 30's when I graduated HS! And I thought they were old at that time. But today I'm just happy to be celebrating my 50th Bday.

So today on my 50th I was dreaming the grim reaper was after me right before I woke up....NO JOKE. He was not only after me but my Dad, Mom, and Brother. We were at a Halloween party and people were dropping like flies. I kept running from him....hoping he wasn't getting my family. Which all oddly took place at my Grandparents house. In my dream I had no husband or kids....No clue what the hell that dream was about! I woke up feeling sad kinda of teary eyed. Again not any clue why. MAYBE because I'm 50! I don't love it! If I can be honest I'd like to be 27 again. I feel It's unfair how fast the years went. I want to go back to when my kids were babies. Those were my favorite years of my life so far. I'd hug them tight and start over. Do have regrets ....ummm yes a ton. But I'm thankful for these 50 years and everything they have come with.

I sit here tonight with an island full a fabulous gifts, from my best friends and family members. Everyone put so much thought into what I love and hit the nail on head. I'm so thankful for all these people in my life. Went to a great dinner and lunch with my friends. They make me feel special. I couldn't ask for a better 50 years! Unless you really want a list...LOL! I could ask for a few changes! I wish people I have lost over the years were still here. I wish people I have seen struggle didn't have those struggles. I wish my face wasn't melting like candle! If I had a Hollywood makeover I'd feel better. Two of my kids no longer live here. Wish we were all still here and I could freeze time. Crazy to think about.

At 50 I feel different....

I'm no longer worried who likes me....not everyone likes me and that's ok. I don't like everyone either so I shouldn't expect everyone to like me. I don't like myself all the time.  Not everyone who enjoys an apple enjoys an orange....and that's ok! I'm an orange if you care.

I'm no longer afraid to have my own opinion. I don't have to agree with people and they don't have to agree with me....We can still be friends!

I know myself.....Kinda of....The good, bad , and the evil and I own it, SOMETIMES....LOL I still like to lie to myself. My sister sets me straight a lot.

I can laugh at myself. If I have food in my teeth, if I fart, or snort it's funny!

I'm more at peace with my mistakes and tooting my horn if I do something great.

I don't give a flying F what you think of me or my kids anymore....this was a struggle for years for me. We are who we are, not perfect but we work for us. That's all that counts.

I embrace my imperfections. I'm never going to weight 110 even though I swore I would the last ten years. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Kind of

I'm not afraid of flying as much as I used to be. I take drugs now to fly!

I take life way less serious because we are all doing the best we can.

I can totally use the excuse "I'm set in my ways"! YEP I'M AT THAT AGE NOW!

I have such a greater appreciation for life and my family and friends. They are the best part of my life.

I can laugh at others even in their face! Because I'm old!

I don't sweat the small stuff...Or I lie to myself about this

I have a good reason for forgetting things or not being able to see small print!

People expect you to be a bad dancer, a bad singer, and to go home early.

You can give good old people advise, forgive people because it doesn't really matter, and let go because you know life is short!

So to cap things off I'm 50....hard to say that. But I'm so thankful for everything. I love my family and my friends. My husband and I have been blessed with good kids, family, and friends, I probably have run on sentences and grammar mistakes in this post...But I can't see and I'm old. Cheers to five million more beers....And hopefully granddaughters some day! HAPPY BDAY TO ME!

Oh yes final note I have a belly...what that means to me is I've enjoyed beers, pizza, and burgers. In my perfect life it wouldn't put fat on my belly...But I'm living large! And oh yes, at 50 you realize a ton of people talk shit about you.....and that's ok because you to talk shit about people. Lets be honest! And how sad it would be if we were not important enough to talk shit about. We are always being judged but honestly we are are always judging too. So we should all just get over ourselves and try and support each other.....easier said then done. My next 50 years I will try and get over myself and stop judging and talking shit. Amen

And then there was one.

 So we loaded up and took Cole to college a few weeks ago. We know this is coming right? Well yes we know but we have no idea how fast this comes. Did I prepare myself? Not so much. I ignored the fact that it was coming for me. Reminds me of the Grim Reaper. Waiting for you in the dark. And all the sudden it's here! The time where you have to leave your little boy who isn't so little off on his own. All those horrible questions come to mind....Did I prepare him? Mama guilt comes to mind. Did I teach him enough? Is he strong enough to handle this? Will he listen to anything I've said?
Hopefully half. Will he fall into to pier pressure? Then I panic about my younger years...thanking God I survived. Will he be ok without me? The questions circle my brain every night as I try to sleep. And I can't sleep, most annoying. It literally can drive you to the point of insanity. Way harder than raising them. I've done this before he's my middle child. I thought it would be easier. It was actually harder. Another one gone. When the first left I held on to the fact that I have two more. Little did I know this day would be here in a blink of an eye. I miss him every day. I find it unfair that it went so fast. Cole was my kid that would watch shit TV with me. Make me laugh when we would watch housewives and he would ask me why their teeth looked liked chiclets gum and why they looked so much younger than me even though they were my age. I would  say that is what is called a Hollywood make over. And I could look like that too with plastic surgery and unlimited funds.  But He would tell me I was perfect just like myself. Ok loved him for that! Liar, lair pants on fire. This kid was the best from the time he was little. Carefree and easy. And of course there were a few WTf moments. The first two years of HS were a challenge.  We all need help in these years. But he grew up into a good man, I'm so un believably proud of him.  I honestly I got away with a few hiccups. So much better than what I did. But I will never admit that to him till later in life. Or maybe NEVER.

When I got in the car to leave him behind my heart sank. I felt sick and I could no longer hold back the tears. Ugly cry. I'm going to miss him terribly. So maybe I prepared him but I did not prepare myself. I'm a mess. The struggle is no joke. I have a pit in my stomach. My normal carefree easy going self is angry. I'm not in a good mood at all. Postpartum? Did not have that, I don't think so. I know reading about it it's a horrible thing. But I'm feeling it later in life. I told a friend I'm so depressed I think I'm having postpartum later in life. Friday night lights are so sad. 15 years of this kid playing football and now I don't know what to do with myself. I've been a football mom for 15 years! Practices, games, my social event....all gone. Who am I now? Well lol I know who I am. I have a career I'm busy at work...but damn it's not the same. I'm making this sound all about me....it's not.  I'm 100 percent sure he misses it too. I've never loved changed. It's a big change for me. This is harder on me than him.

So I read everything I could find about a child leaving. What not to do what to do. They say you did your job let them fly. Don't go home and look at all the pictures of them growing up. Did I listen? Hell no! I went home and ugly cried looking at every picture I ever took. And I took a lot. I tried to remember every moment in those pictures. So much history so many memories. UGH Trying to remember all of them. Was I a robot going through the emotions trying to get through those years. Did I take them in? Some yes, others no. I was just trying to get through it honestly at times. Then I thought my nieces are getting older too before my eyes. So I started ugly crying about them too. The struggle is real....Did I say that????

 I got home from taking him and left for work the next day.  I pulled out in front of my house. I stopped my car and looked at my house. I started ugly crying because my house is no longer the same. And never will be the same. The struggle is real. Said that 199 times right? When we moved in this house I had three boys living in it. Under my roof, safe for the most part. I loved this time in my life. I miss this time. Going to their school events. Going to their games. Having them here and their friends in the house. They drove me nuts at times.  Yes he will come home and this will always be his home. But the house will never be the same. They will never be young living here again oh shit I will never be young either. I will never be scrambling to help them with a project they told me about the night before....that I would have cussed like a sailor about. I will never be running behind to get to a field trip I dreaded to go to. Going to his games. There will never be a morning yelling like crazy when no one can find their stuff that for some reason they thought I miss placed.  Never a morning filled with Santa.  Ugh that kills me. I crazy loved Xmas. A night that they broke curfew.  That I waited up madder than a wet hen. A night after a football game where we eat shit food and go over the game. A night where we talk about what's going on in school...where my kids tell me all the bad things the other kids are doing that they are not.....LOL I didn't fall off a turnip truck! The early morning practice where I set my alarm to get them up. The skyword where I checked grades.  Those days have left this house. My house used to be noisy and full of life. Dirty and crazy. It's now quiet and clean...I used to think I would like that. I hate it.  It's lonely now. I'm bored. I used to look forward to coming to home to a house full of kids.  They ate everything in the house even the shit no one would eat. I miss that so much. I'm upset that the old people that warned me about this were right. I'm upset that I'm that I'm the old person telling everyone I know with young kids that it goes fast. I said that too. Ugh repeating myself.  I have become that older annoying person telling you shit you don't want to hear. But I'm here to tell you it goes way too fast!

Yes I have one left. But only two years...It's almost over. He already has one foot out the door. Plus he's pretty easy. I don't have to worry about curfew or last minute projects with him...KNOCK ON WOOD! I feel bad for him too. He might be worst than me. The first week I came across his homework for English. He wrote a paper about his brother. Titled "My partner in crime".  He talked about their years together. How he looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Said it's hard for him to see his brother leave. Last line was he's not only my brother but my best friend. Really cause I wasn't sad enough! It's sad for him he used to having his brothers here and he's alone too. I'm sure he's as bored as me without their drama. So we are all sad in this house. Like I said the struggle is real for all of us.

How many of you parents out there want a do over when your kids leave? I know I do. I've always told my kids I wish you could be 40 and look at your life because you would make different choices. I tell them all the time the choices you make effect the rest of your life. And they do, it's true. I wish I could have been 70 and looked at my choices. Working too much.  Not spending enough time. Getting annoyed not knowing your days are numbered. Being present more. I made my share of big mistakes. Being so stressed out about what other people thought. Who cares what other people think! Too bad I get that now!  Or where my kid ranked or how good of an athlete he was. We all get caught up in the compare game. It's a horrible place to be. In the big picture that doesn't even matter. I always tell my kids HS is four short years of life.  If kids don't like you or your not the best athlete it does not matter in the big picture. Not everyone who likes an apple likes an orange. One of my friends told me that years ago and its so true. Even though there is no reason for them not to like the orange they just don't and that's ok. I tell them there will be people you don't like sometimes for no reason. It's ok. and not everyone will like you either. If you are a good person and kind that's the most important thing. So many people have told me over the years my kids are kind to their kids that is the biggest compliment you can ever give me.  In a perfect world we could re do this crap over! A rewind button would be nice. 

I love my kids more than I ever thought possible. They are bleeding dry right now going to college. Gosh the fabulous boots I could have without college fees! The Condo I could have on lake....Would I change it?  Most days NO some days just don't ask me! Maybe I'll be rich someday when I don't have to pay for all their shit. Or maybe I will be so tired I can't see straight. I suppose there are more good times to come. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Waiting for the better times. Like when they get off my payroll. That will be a happy day. College graduations, weddings, grandkids! I will say I look forward to the grandkids time. They will finally get what I've felt and will see why I'm a nut in their minds. I look forward to feeding their kids sugar and sending them home. Payback? Hell yes!

He thinks he can fly, and he can.

 From the time this kid could talk he worried about everything. And I mean everything. I feel bad like he didn't enjoy his youth being worried all the the time. I watched him hold back on a lot of things...sleepovers, rollercoasters, and life if I can speak from the heart. He was my last and my hardest from the start. His brothers were carefree not a worry in the world. That would prove to a problem later. I wanted him to not have a worry in the world while he was young. I cried so many times over how stressed out he always was. One time his third grade teacher called me because he couldn't breath during a test. I cried on the phone with him. And he said let me tell you he is a great student no reason to cry. He told me he almost never sees a child like Aidan that cares so much that it drives them crazy. He told me to hold on because this kid will do great things when it's his time. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. It was a glimmer of hope when I was at my wits end with him. Eventually after many tearful mornings dropping him off at school he found his way.

 So he thinks he can fly...and he can. The dedication this kid pours into his sport amazes me. He literally works out everyday in our hot garage. He watches youtube videos of all the great pole vaulters. Last school year a kid stole his track shoes. He found out who it was and called him out. The shoes were returned full of the kids piss. I'm not kidding. So he took them home and I cleaned them up. While I was cleaning them I saw something. It was a date written on them. It was the date my husbands brother passed too young. I asked him why he wrote that date on his shoes. He told me he jumps for Jeff. OMG, this took me by surprise. Yes I knew he was sad about this but I had no idea it was this deep. It was a proud moment to say the least. Because the young are not always effected this way. They tend to blow these feelings off.

So he wanted to get on this club team. Because he wants to be the best he can be. I work a lot lately to put these kids through college. Ugh I enjoyed so much more being a stay at home mom. A whole other story...LOL So today on my day off..I don't get many...my decision. We drove two and a half hours to vault. We laughed all the way to this meet. Until we got pulled over..I will get that. He said "mama do you realize you yell cow every time you see one". I said "I love cows"! He says " when you pass I'm going to say you yelled cows every time you saw one and almost killed us trying to look at them". My sister can back his story. I do crazy love cows especially the babies. I should have been a farmer. Anyway we talked on the way about drugs and sex. I was putting my two sense in about is. Not pretty to say the least . Hard conversation when your kids are teens.  You need to talk about it when you can. He was rolling his eyes at me. We stopped at Buc-ees best place ever! Don't even know if I spelled it right. But I enjoyed the ride with him. Got pulled over, twenty miles over....big ticket. The guy was from Dripping. Thank God. I told him we were from Drip. Aidan said I got out of it because I'm cute......he laughed because he was lying, it's because the guy grew up in dripping.....not because I'm cute buzz kill really.  Kid can also be a BS'er.

We got there and he got grouped with the elite vaulters. So he was stressed since most were seniors. Like I said a worry wort. At first I thought he would no height. And we just drove a long way. Not because he couldn't do it but because it got in his head. But he held his own. He was in the group with all kids older than him. He did amazing coming in sixth place. Almost got 14 feet. Most of the kids he went up against have college offers. I'm so proud of him. I know this kid will do anything it takes to vault college level. He surprises me and impresses me daily.

So on our way home he was disappointed he didn't vault 14 feet. He got 13'6. He vaulted 14 at his practice. So the conversation on the way home was disappointment. But the thing that got me the most was when he said "Are you ready for this"? I said "what"? He said "Are you ready for me to be your focus and put me first in all these meets and travel with me so I can do better"? "Ugh yes I am". But what I didn't get is that I had put so much in his older brothers football that he felt left behind. Yes I'm here to watch you fly and you will. Last one we are tired but damn they matter too. I will be there to watch you fly my love!

And OMG, I ramble not writer and bad grammar it is what it is..... don't judge

They eventually leave.

Did I ever think the years would go so fast.....umm not so much. Could I imagine I would miss feeling like I could pull every hair out of my head. Or miss the fighting or the missing shoes. The driving around to school and 100 million practices and games. The grocery store nightmare trips. The endless hours of homework. Trying to google crap because I am no longer smarter than a fifth grader. Feeling like a gerbil caught in an endless wheel. Miss Christmas morning and scrambling to put the toys together. Taking care of all their needs. Putting out their clothes, backpacks, lunches, and making sure everything was ready to go. Running crap up to school because they forgot something. The endless carpool line. Picking up 100 things off the floor. Tripping over toys. The toys go away some day. It's a sad day we don't remember. The endless sleepovers that kept you up all dang night. Solving their problems and helping them grow up. The mistakes they make. Dirty clothes and endless laundry. Being needed so much for everything that you lose yourself for a while. Finding them in my bed because they had a bad dream. Going to all their games and more and more games. Gosh I'm going to miss those games. Helping with all their school parties. Trying to bring the best things for those parties. Parent teacher meetings. Talent shows, so much that it made your head spin at times. The times your are so proud and the times you want to bury your head in sand. Your so tired and worn out not enjoying these things as much as you should.  Well I'm here to tell you I miss every single bit of it. The good the bad and the evil.

I find myself wondering when was the last time I was able to carry them to bed before they got to heavy. There was a last time for that and I wish I remembered when it was. Because there becomes a time where you have those last moments with your children. The sad thing is you won't remember that day. You won't realize it's that day. You will not hold them just a little tighter because you don't know its the last time. I don't remember the last bath I gave them either. I dreaded bath time. I was tired the last thing I wanted to do was help them bathe. I probably didn't even bathe myself somedays. What you don't think about when your in the gerbil wheel is they eventually leave and it comes faster than you will ever imagine. When they do you feel lost. You want all those moments back again. As hard as it all was you miss them and those days. You miss the day that your child no longer looked like a child. You don't even remember the day that changed either. But there will come a day when the babyface and the baby fat is long gone forever. Even though it is happening before your eyes you can not pin point that day. All the sudden their voices change and they are way bigger than you. You don't recognize them. you can not believe it either.

I find as much as I'm so sad this part of my life is forever over I'm wondering what is my place in life now. You are sad they are gone and you in this time in your life is gone too. I have forever been a Mom.  At every game and every school event. What will I do with myself??? I do have my baby for two more years. My un planned baby as I call him. My little blessing.  So thankful I got him. Couldn't ask for a better kid.  Even if I was sure he was my girl. Never got that girl....and I'm such a girl mom. Can''t believe I got three boys! I'm a girly girl...I needed a girl. Better get a granddaughter.
I crazy love my boys even if everyone of them was my girl before I knew.  But as I know now the days are numbered. It will be gone in a blink of an eye. These boys who called my name 1000 times a day are grown up now. I used to yell and I mean yell if I hear MOMMMMMMMY one more time I may scratch my eyeballs out! But the Mommmmmy eventually stops. Then it goes to MOM! Another thing  you don't remember when you went from Mommy to Mom. They stop calling you Mommy someday too. Unless you are my friend Ashley who still calls her Mom Mommy. I love that BTW! What I would give to look at those baby faces calling me Mommy again. I miss those days so much. More than they get....only other Mom's get this.

Again when your kids leave you struggle with it. Struggle with what your supposed to do now. It's all you know at this point. Its hard to let go. Even if their rooms are a mess and they are testing everything in you as teenagers. Paying for your raising comes to mind. They think they know more than you and you are stupid and know nothing. They think you are crazy and ridiculous. They argue about everything to prove you wrong. But you know your right even if they don't get it yet. Maybe trying to help you let them go. NOOOO they are not that smart they are just immature and have no idea what it is to be a parent yet. They will get it someday. I'll be there sitting on their sofa laughing a tad bit when they struggle with it. I wish even for me that we could look back as an elderly person at ourselves and learn from that. If we aged in reverse we enjoy things so much more.

I can cry lately at anything. I think about my kids and my journey with them and I tear up a the drop of a hat. How did I get here so fast.  Crying in my car and on my sofa at night. Crying at every memory. Thankful I wrote in this blog years ago. I read back at it now enjoying and laughing and crying about all the stories. I would have forgotten some of those stories if I didn't blog about them. I'm so glad I wrote about it. Some day they will get to read them too. They will owe me a facelift...LOL They were honest and raw, but it was our story. The good the bad and evil as I call it. Hub's used to be so mad at my honest blog telling me I was being judged for my honesty about life and marriage. But motherhood and marriage is hard it's not all fun and games. It comes with good times and hard times. No parent is perfect and no kid is perfect! Noooo marriage is perfect either. It's so much work honestly. So worth it too.

As much as this is a downer post I know there are good times to come. I look forward to college graduations, weddings, and grandkids! There is much more to come. Even if I'm super sad my days as Mommmmmy is gone. But I can't wait to watch them in their rolls as parents someday. So like I said eventually they leave so enjoy them while they are there. I might have become that old lady telling people with young kids to enjoy it because it goes so fast.....ughhhhh I remember those people telling that thinking they were nuts! They are not nuts they were right. Eventually they leave...and things are forever changed! It's probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life so far. People it's not easy to send them off into the world. Again not a writer, I ramble it's how I
 talk and I'm noooo writer it is what it is!

Mourning is real

So it's been a while.....a long ass while. I used to write in this blog everyday when my kids were younger. Thank the heavens I stopped when they were teenagers. I lost friends for my honest posts years ago. I might have lost everyone when they became teens. OHHHH what they put me through. Honestly I got away with the normal teenage WTF's! Nothing that killed me. Most of us have them. Some of us get away without them. Few and far between though. I kinda hate-envy those ones that get the perfect kids we dream about. Mine have aged me to say the least. Broke me down, gave me grey hairs, made my face resemble a candle melting. They gave me a run for the money and stole all my money at the same time. For the most part I have enjoyed the hell out of these years......yeahhh I'm lying. Teenage years are for the birds. I totally enjoyed the younger years way more. I depended on my girlfriends, my sister, my mother, and family to get me through these years. I had my girlfriends who had teenagers as well to compare our messed up stories to. My sister to remind me how awful I was at that age and to insure me my kids couldn't touch my stories.  Honestly...they did better than me.  My mother to tell me it goes fast and I will miss these days. I did fix it all with a little booze and a tiny bit of botox in that damn I'm so mad line.

But here I am with another one on graduation day. Thinking where the hell did these years go...really. Hard to believe I mean really hard to believe this part of life has passed me by.  It's an odd feeling. Should I be happy? I should....but I'm really not. If I have to be honest. I'm mourning. Wishing I enjoyed all those WTF moments more. They weren't all bad moments. There were so many perfect moments too. Way more perfect moments for sure. The Christmas times...I crazy loved being Santa. Even after they found out it wasn't real. That was a sad day for me. Probably more sad for me than for them. I find myself looking through pictures trying to capture all the memories and all the joy in those times. Thinking how can those times have gone so fast. Those old ass people who warned us about this were right. But now we are those odd asses warning the young ones that time is flying. What I would give to go back and start over. I think about this more than I should. So take it from me. Read more to them. Don't tell them to go away cause you are busy with work or cleaning. It can wait cause you don't get this time back. Enjoy the short time you have with them. Ugh looking through all my memories and pictures I would give anything to enjoy them more. I wish I wasn't so stressed out and would have taken more time to hug them and tell them I crazy love them because they were the best thing I ever did.

I watched them and was there for most of their first moments. First steps, first tooth, first cold, first day of school, last day of school. First teams they were a part of. I was there when they couldn't sleep or didn't feel good. I got snotted on, puked on, and shit on literally. We went on many vacations together. I watched them learn to swim and learn to ski. I was there for their mistakes. There for the failures and their successes. I watched them grow from the start, what a blessing it has been. I have laughed with them, cried with them, yelled at them. and might have hid in my closet and cried alone at times. We made many family traditions together. I have taken at least one million pictures of them. I'm so glad now! They have broke my heart and they have healed my heart...sometimes all in the same day. I have hurt for them and I have rejoiced for them. I could go on and on. So much comes flooding through. I find myself crying a lot lately at everything. Mourning every single bit of it.

So I'm here getting ready to send another one off into the world. I question everything I ever did. Thinking I could have done a better a job preparing him to go out in the world. Taught him to cook more and clean more. But I think he's so kind and has such a good heart. He is so nice to everyone. Since he was little so many people would pull me aside and tell me Cole was so nice to the special needs kids. That makes me so happy. So I did a little right. He's not the smartest kid in school but he's a nice kid. I could have done so many things for this kid better. I think we all struggle with this. Read more, spent more time, didn't ignore him when I was tired, taken more time with him. I really wished after looking at every picture I would have enjoyed that time more. Not been so stressed out. Not cared what other people thought. Because those were probably the the best years of my life. I used to love traditions and gave up the last few years when I went to work. I wish I didn't. I would take a do over for sure!

So sending a boy off to college is mind boggling.  I'm scared that he will not get up for class. He will struggle to get good grades. I worry all the time. I really want him to be the best he can. But I think we all worry about our kids.  Gosh I love this kid. He has a girlfriend now.  He's such a good boyfriend.  I'm so proud of him he's so respectful to her. I watch him and I'm really impressed that he's a true gentleman with her. He's a good boyfriend and a good friend to his friends. He's not perfect but he has a great heart. That makes me more proud than anything else.


Funny when you have kids you struggle with the compare game. It gets more intense when it's time to go to college. Well I found it was intense all through school. Who has the best grades, who is the best athlete, who is not a bully, who is not drinking in HS, who has not gotten in trouble.... and so and so on....You see the kids getting into great colleges and the business school, the engineering school. getting scholarships, and getting on teams. When your kid doesn't you feel you didn't do your job. Ugh it's so hard. I didn't do great in school but I made it. I found my way. Hopefully my kid will find his way too.

As much as I have taught them they taught me so much more. They taught me unconditional love. To love so hard it hurts at time. To trust, to feel deeply, to accept failure, and to enjoy the good moments. They taught me to love my parents more. I know what it is to be a parent now. They taught me patience. They taught me how to power through the tough times. They made me a better person. Taught me not to be selfish. I love them for what they gave me back. I hope they always know how much I love them.

So to the mourning. God help me I'm mourning seriously. Selfish I know. Ugh this is the hardest thing I've been through. Like I said I've been through this. Thought it be easier. Nope harder, I'm a mess honestly  I'm sad every second lately....What I would give back to go over and start over. I loved every minute of raising this kid. Loved this last year of football where he shined and proved himself. This year where he beat the odds. This kid crazy loved football from as long as I can remember. I loved watching that. This kid got first team all district.  He rocked it. He has been playing since kinder. Long time coming. But back to mourning. Mourning is an understatement I can't imagine my life without this kid, He makes me laugh everyday..really. I will miss him forever and wish I could bottle him at about age  ten. He was such an awesome kid. I'm so sad that my time as his Mom in this way is gone. I know I will forever be his mother but the time as a youth is forever gone, So like I said mourning those years is a real thing.  And I'm so sad....really Sorry I'm not a writer  or an English wiz so it is what it is. Don't judge

So you have a teenager…but you still are one, in your warped mind!

Been a while I know……working part time!  Turned into almost full time…..Don't really know how. That's a whole other story.  Let me just say……Um it's been a very long time since I worked this much at a job. If my boss reads this…a raise would be nice. So I have a teenager…..well to tell the the truth two. In my warped brain I'm still one. I blame Disney. Damn it if Peter Pan wasn't on to something. I don't want to grow up…..but my kids are UMMMMM bigger than me?????? When did that happen???? Oh yes, it's as if every old person telling me that….."It goes lighting fast" is on re play in my brain. That's annoying! Who would have thought those old asses knew what they were talking about! So I sit here with my old ass…wondering where the years went. UMMMM Really!!!!!! I think back to that perfect child…The one I thought was perfect…how did I do that???? Make such a perfect child???  Well they are all perfect at birth!…just saying…like some old ass! Oh yes, I'm that old ass telling all the young moms to enjoy those chaotic years now! We know what we are talking about.

All my kids were perfect…….when they were born. But then each and everyone of them came with "WTF" moments! I have three….all boys, OMG, so wanted all girls! Wouldn't change a thing…except maybe one more…..A girl! All very different. They even look different as if there was a mailman involved. There wasn't…LOL.  So now I find myself with a teenage boy…..oh yes two……but one is a little behind the times thank God for small favors. But while raising them I've been shocked. Shocked I think at normal teenage behavior. Why did I think I raised a perfect child that would never do typical teenage things???? Ummmmm, because when you have your own kids you realize that your too young to do that stuff. If I could go back all my first would be in better situations. If you would have told me this voice of reason stuff at sixteen and I would laugh thinking it was dumb. Not so dumb when you have your own teenagers. Because most adults are dumb to teenagers….ya know we know nothing! Because we weren't teenagers EVER in their mind, we are just old people to them……Don't you remember thinking that?????? We should age in reverse! Life would be so much better!

You kinda of want to say "NO" to everything! Shelter them…..hide them….helicopter mom them….Maybe just plain lock them up!!!! But you can't…well you could but they need to grow up unfortunately. They need to make mistakes, learn from them, to become the person they are supposed to be! Ya think I watched a lot of Opah while I stayed home??? You don't want to be the "cool" mom allowing drinking and sex. But you also want them to know even if it makes your toenails curl. If they do those things you would like to educate them on these matters. Biggest things I tell my kids….probably too much! Don't ever drink and drive. Don't get in car with someone drinking either. You are not invincible and shit does happen. If you find yourself in a situation….call me…I'd like to say no questions asked! But I'm a mom…of course I will question! I will want to know what happened but I will be the first to rescue you. I will think you are brave for telling me the truth and asking for my help. SEX…….Damn no teenager should have sex…..but some do! Well a lot..lets be real.  I tell my boys all the time…there is so much time to have sex in your later years!!!!!! I mean really, almost too much! Enjoy your youth with out the drama of sex. But lets be real they are boys. We all know how boys are. So I tell them…don't have sex just to have it. Be kind to girls!  Don't really have it unless your married! Of course they ask….."Did you have sex before marriage?" Well shit! I want to lie. But I don't…wondering the whole time if I should!  Only have sex if you are truly in love. Sex is a big deal. Plus…..you are way too young! I tell them if they have sex just to have it that girl could be ruined for life. Girls are different than boys……We are way more emotional. At least most of us! Of course during  the "Sex" talk they ask if Dad is the only one! OMG…I soooooo want to lie! Geez….such a horrible conversation……you don't think about this hard stuff when they pop out perfect! Condoms are a big topic in my house! Mama, still thinks she's a teen…no need to make her go by Granny!


I tell them girls will take being used or being hurt into their UMMMMM adulthood! Seriously! Ya think I got burned in my lifetime???? I really just want to raise good boys! Sensitive to how girls feel. Dealing with all this teenage stuff makes me a little happy I don't have girls. But then there's my niece…I might trade all three for her! I mean she is the best! Love when my Mom and Dad say she's a little Kerry! Suck it Kelly! Anywho…I have to brag a bit now. My oldest amazes me everyday. He's by no means perfect. Made lots of mistakes already. But he is kind of perfect in my eyes. He went to regionals for pole vaulting. To say I'm proud is an understatement. He didn't go on to state…but damn regionals is a huge deal at his age! To him it's all about a regional patch for his Letterman's. jacket. Plus, I think he enjoyed the hell out of staying in a hotel! Meeting all the girls from other schools he loved! But I couldn't be more proud! Yep I said that! His coach was amazing. Plus she was easy on his eyes too! Shout out to Ashley.  Whatever it takes to make this kid realize he's great at something. I just want him to be passionate about something….I think he found it this season!

So a word from my older wiser ass……Help your kids find something to do they love! No matter what it is. We may not choose it for them….but they are not us. That is hard. It's taken me along time to realize this. But they will strive at something they love. And…..Ummmmm kid tied the like 1980's something year record in Drip for vaulting…..who would have thought! Like I said this kid amazes me even if he's not a perfect child! I'm just like any other mom trying to raise my kids my kids to be successful, happy, healthy adults! So I'm not a writer…so forgive my mistakes….it is what is is!

Mom of the year

 Our sweet little community had a Mom of the year contest. It was a tight race but my friend Erin and I tied for first. We took the news well eventually. At first we were tugging at the trophy . Kinda like it was the last piece of candy that fell out of the piñata. We might have pulled each others hair trying to get it away from each other , but who cares right????  We may have screamed "It's mine"! But we came to terms that there are two great mothers in Drip. I couldn't be more proud of my great accomplishment.

So then there was my week. As a mom of three boys there are OK weeks and then there are bad weeks. This happened to be the not greatest one for mom of the year! I'm working now….almost full time. If you consider getting to work at 11am. I can rock that showroom from 11-6! I do my best work then. No one wants to see before 11. Not pretty…..just ask all my closest friends. So one night I got home. My kids are not used to me working so much. I had a Pinteresting week. What I mean by that is I have made dinner from Pinterest. As good as this shit looks on pinterest, it can be hit or miss. So I had put a pinteresting recipe in the crock pot. Hub's was tied up at something called work this night. The kids and I came home to eat. They were picking at my dinner. I was juicing trying to lose the "I'm over 40 and everything goes straight to my ass". Cole who will usually eat anything I put in front of him says….."I don't like this, it taste weird". I start to fake cry. I look over at Cole who is laughing uncontrollably. I see this and I'm hurt. I say "Why are you laughing when I'm upset???". He says…"You look funny and it's weird cause I like most of what you cook, it's one thing, why are you freaking??".  I start to cry for real.

So I cry for real not because my kids hate my pinteresting meal. I cry because there is so much more going on in my world that my kids have no idea about. Cole sees the real tears and starts to eat. Telling me he loves this meal, he was just lying before. I say.."Throw the meal away and make mac and cheese". The two others run to the pantry to get the mac. Cole being the sensitive one eats the awful meal telling me he loves it. He's going to make a fabulous husband someday. I say…"really Cole get the mac, this is not about you hating what I cooked". He says.."Are you sure, cause I will eat it if it makes you that sad". I tell him "I'm sad about other things".  He is the sweetest kid ever and wants to know why I'm sad. The others are deep into mac and a peanut butter and jelly. I tell him…"I was just kidding about crying over this meal y'all hate". I say I'm upset over adult stuff. He wants to know……love this kid. I'm actually upset because I have a great friend fighting a tumor or maybe a rare kind of MS. I also have a brother fighting a demon….and I just feel overwhelmed by all of it. He being wise beyond his years says..It is what it is and everything will work out the way it should". I think…who raised you?????

So onto the next messed up day. Blake….aka..the not so charming prince has a track meet. I grab Aidan and we head out to watch him. We put the address in the annoying car lady. She says it will take us an hour to get there. Plenty of time to see him pole vault. What the car lady did not see coming was Austin traffic. Two hours and 15 minutes later we arrive at the meet. My blood is boiling at this point. We make it to the fuck its far school and look for kids vaulting. We run over and they say this is the girls. They tell us where the boys are and we run…….may have got rid of a cheeseburger or two! We finally make it to Blake's last vault….he bombs it! But what we didn't see is he is last man vaulting and takes first! So proud!

On to the next day. I go to work. Pick up Aidan…aka..pig pen from school. In that time…the five minutes it takes to get him home  he bitches about going to jump wild. He told me ten times he wants to jump wild tonight. I kinda of want to burn that place to the ground. I drop him and go back to work. When I get home no one is here. I put together another new pinteresting meal. Which turned out ok…..I hate that! Looked good online. I'm browning ground beef, sauteing veggies, throwing things in a pot. Making a great meal…muti tasking for sure. Hubs comes in with the kids at 6:45. My oldest the not so charming prince stopped for taco bell after school. So he has no interest in my meal….only wants a ride to friends house. Has only told me this ten times. The other two come in and want to be at Jump Wild by seven….and yes that's 15 minutes away. I say.."I cooked dinner". They say.."Not hungry, we will eat after". I say..or scream.."We will eat as a family, and I don't know why I bother". They say.."No time to eat". This goes on for a while…back and forth……fighting for the who's right. I finally scream to Hubs.."Get these people the hell out of here before I bitch slap everyone of them and go to jail". Hubs sends them to their rooms. I keep cooking ready to cry again.

So they come down knowing they crossed the line with me. They are eating and cleaning up after. I'm a sucker and take them to jump wild after they get me.

So you may be scratching your head wondering how the hell I got mom of the year. It was a nice thought, but a made up one. By no means am I mom of year…totally lied about that. Erin didn't get it either! Has me thinking is there really of mom of the year???? Um yes, I can think of a few actually……but not me or Erin…Sorry Erin! It is what it is!

Aidan is turning 11 and my head happens to be spinning

So my baby is going to be 11 tomorrow. When I say baby, he is my baby. The last one, the unplanned one, (whole other story) the one who was supposed be that girl I always wanted!  But he didn't turn out to be that girl I wanted. I still dream of pink shit and bows but at least I have two nieces now. But he turned out amazing kind of. He came with the typical…"WTF", was I thinking moments. From the beginning he was not an easy kid. He cried and I mean cried from about two weeks old till about a year. There are a few people in my life that remember this time. I barley remember, I may have blocked some of it. The kid was only somewhat happy if I had him in a strange position and walked him around patting his tummy. I swear when I think about that time it makes me cringe. I don't have great memories of him in the beginning. Plus I had a two year old and a five year old! Hello padded cell my name is Kerry!

But we pushed through it. Mostly because you don't have a choice. My other two were a walk in the park compared to him. Eventually he settled down, stopped crying, and became as normal as I can expect him to be. He out of all my kids to this day is a Mama's boy. I swear the other two would be fine without me…but not this one. As a mom I should relish in the fact that this kid is so attached to me. But it's not like that for me. I feel bad for him. Because he misses out on a lot being afraid of things and wanting me around for everything. I could almost cry writing about him. As much as I think he has been such a great kid I feel bad that he is a prisoner to anxiety. Always has been. My over thinker for sure. He's afraid of things kids shouldn't be. He has stood back a lot and watched because of over thinking and fear. I have stood back a lot trying to assure him he will be fine but it never works.

So he does awesome in school, never a problem. Does his homework, cares about his work. When he plays sports he puts his all into it. He is a coaches dream. Not to mention a teachers dream. Even goes home and watches "YouTube" videos of pitching baseball over and over….to the point that it drives me insane. Just so he can be the best he can be. I love that he cares so much.  I never get anything but compliments about him from coaches and teachers. He wins a knights of guild award every year for being a great student. My other two never got this, so when he gets it they get mad. They say…"How does he get this every year?". But the teachers and the coaches  don't see behind the scenes. My baby suffers from extreme panic disorder. He sometimes hyperventilates to the point where I think about taking him to the hospital. He fears crazy stuff. The signs were there from the time he was little. He used to not wear a shirt outside because he thought those big black birds would carry him off. I used to laugh at his silly thoughts until I realized they were true fears to him. Fears that made him feel crazy. It became real to me when he started school. I was not used to a kid crying about going to school. At least not after the first two days. This kid is in the fifth grade now. I have been dealing with him being afraid to go to school for six years now. He doesn't fear school. For some strange reason he fears something will happen to me while he is at school. When I talk to him about why he is upset he always says.."If something bad happens, I can't get to you". Woe is me, that's a big thought. One that would have scared me if I really thought about anything besides boys at his age. I don't understand it but after therapy they say it's real to him. Breaks my heart in a way.

He has had some really big attacks. Shaking uncontrollably. I could hardly get him to calm down. When this happens as a parent you feel so helpless, nothing you can say is helping. I can't even describe how heartbreaking it is….never went through this with his brothers. So until you see this first hand you have no idea how bad it is. I find myself crying after these spells….feeling defeated and broken. I have had conversation after conversation with teachers and doctors about him. Most of his teaches say his day starts out bad but ends up alright. Made me sad when one teacher told me he hid under a hoodie crying the first hour of school. But I have to make him go….hoping that he will finally be ok.  He is a popular kid, I guess the kids don't notice his issues yet. I have this fear that someday they will and make fun of him. A doctor once told me his brain was not working right. So he talked me into medication for him. At this point my mornings had become so bad I would have tried anything. I was hoping he would just get help with coping. But this doctor assured me that meds were the way to go. I do believe that to be true for a lot of people but he was so little at the time.

I put him on meds….hoping for the best. My biggest hope was that he would do sleep overs and normal kid stuff without freaking out. Plus go to school and feel normal and calm. I hate that he is in turmoil most days. The first week was good, he seemed calmer. Went to school with no issues. But then he started humping the air, acting like an animal…crawling around like a weirdo, and peeing in the yard. Not to mention extreme stomach pain. Wanted to go streaking naked through the hood. Yes, he was not afraid…but um…streaking naked and peeing in the yard??? I thought shit…this is weird. This was not at all my Aidan. So I took him off the meds. I'm sad cause at his age he's missing sleepovers, roller coasters, and just being a carefree kid. Today we deal with panic almost everyday. Not extreme ones…those happen every few months. But when they happen they are bad. But still a panic feeling everyday. When he gets a little older I will try meds again. but I'm truly heartbroken this kid can not just be kid sometimes! He misses a lot. But, he's the greatest gift I was never expecting. Wouldn't change a thing…except his panic! One of his most favorite teachers once told me……"Aidan…is one of those kids you see once in awhile when you teach…..an over thinker for sure….yes your dealing with a lot with him now…but mark my words if you coach him through this he will do great things in life"! Wow, I hope he is right….cause so far nothing has worked out the way I pictured in my head as a girl. When things get bad and I feel helpless I hold on to those words that teacher told me. I only hope for all my kids they will be healthily , happy, and of course wealthy…..mama's going to need some work after raising three boys! Happy Birthday to my worry wort…aka..pig pen!

Teenagers and what they think????

So it's late and I can't sleep. I find myself thinking about my week. My oldest and I were talking about grades. He had bombed a test. I was trying to school him on how important grades are for him now. He was telling about everyone who bombed it more. I say…."why are you comparing yourself to people who failed the test???". He is arguing with me that I don't know how hard it is! I say…"What about the people who nailed it it?". "Why aren't you comparing yourself to them??". He rolls his eyes as he does often….says again…"School was way easier when I was there, I just don't get it". I say…as I run in place at my island…"How would you know that, you weren't around when I was there!". He says…Why are you running in place, you look stupid…..and I know this because my teachers tell me things are way harder now".  Damn teacher for giving him a way out! Love all the teachers too, just please don't give them an excuse…they take it and run with it! I say "I'm running in place to burn calories, and I'm tired of him making excuses and comparing himself to the bottom of the barrel". He says…"Well you look stupid running in place, you have done Zumba and not lost any weight, when are you going to get you need to eat right and run??". I say…"Are you trying to avoid the subject??". I start to dance around the island. He looks at me and says…"Why are you dancing, you are so weird and embarrassing". I say…"well your weird and embarrassing failing a test". I tell him I'm friends with some of the teachers and he's making me look bad!! He tells me that his failing grade is wrong the teacher has just not fixed it! Yes I coughed up something that sounded like BS. Then he says…"you look ridiculous dancing around the island". I say "I don't care, dancing around the island puts me in happy place, you should be happy, If I wasn't dancing I'd be even more mad". This is how most nights go in our house! Dance is good for us! Just saying! Teenagers on the other hand are not that great!

Bringing my past into my present.

 This past summer my Grandparents house was being remolded by the new owners. Of course we had to go snooping around it! They were pretty much gutting it. So yes we were snooping but no one was living there. I saw this window in a trash pile. So I did what any grieving Granddaughter would do. I saved it! I had no idea what I would do with it! I just wanted it. It has sat in my rental garage under a blanket. Then in my new house garage under a blanket.

So the other night after finally organizing my pantry which I will get into on the next picture. I got inspired. Maybe it was the pantry, maybe it was the beer! Whatever it was I got inspired. Yep already said that! I have a bad habit of repeating myself. So I put it up and stood back staring at it. Yes, I'm sappy and got a tear. Trying to decide if I liked it there or not. When I first put it up it was just the window. Kind of boring. Plus I added an outlet that you could see through the window. I decided it needed something hanging from it to hide the outlet. I got up on the fireplace and tried to flip the window around so the pulley thing was at the top. While trying to balance at the same time as rotate. (which is never a smart idea in my world) The window started to fall. All I could think about is the saved window breaking. Breaking after surviving 78 years! So as it fell I held onto it and jumped backwards off the fireplace. I caught it but damn if it didn't almost knock my ass out! It hit my square across my nose as I fell. It hurt so bad I almost puked.

I'm a weird one so I was thinking "what is my Grandma trying to say"??? She hates the window on my mantel???? Well really I don't think that. Just plain bad frickin luck. I'm happy with it. It makes me smile when I walk by. Reminds me of my Grandparents house. I have brought the best part of my past into my future. I do have a huge gash on my nose from it. I look like a battered wife. Plus my nose is very swollen…..Hoping at this point it goes back to normal. Not loving what my face looks like with a swollen nose! Nose job in my future???? Maybe! Facelift…of course!

So tonight I was playing with options for the mantel around the window. I put some owls around it. I send a picture to my sister and said…"Owls or no owls????". She responded right away with…"I like it without the owls". I responded…"Ok thanks, I'll keep them up. You have no design sense! LOL". She responds…"good one". I put the picture on Facebook to mess with her. Said Owls or no Owls???? Everyone says no owls! WTF, do people have against hooters?????

So to the pantry. My Aunt Margie who is very attached to my Grandparents house had asked if anyone wanted anything from it. I married a furniture man so I didn't need any of that stuff. I asked for strange things. I asked for a cross made of matches that hung on my Grandparents wall since I was born. It was made by one of their kids a long time ago. Pig Pen claimed that for his room….Made me smile! I kind of love that. So I let him have it. I took a few Mary statues too. One is outside my house, one is in my kitchen, and one sits on my night stand. I came from a catholic Irish family! My Grandpa made a work bench in his basement. My Grandpa loved his basement. He spent a lot of time there by his work bench drinking Old Style like a true catholic Irishman. When I would visit him he would sit at the kitchen table for a while doing crossword puzzles and going through coupons. That man loved free shit from his coupons. He always ended up in the basement sitting by that work bench. I being a wanderer would wander down to the basement to talk to him sometimes. I would find him sitting by that work bench drinking his Old Style. I liked to sit down there with him and talk. Plus he stored all his coupon shit down there. I loved looking at all the boxes of cereal, paper towels, mac and cheese, and toilet paper! If the world ever was about to end I could survive in there for a while! He would always send me home with a box or two of cereal.

So when Aunt Margie asked what we wanted I thought about that work bench. I wanted those drawers. I knew at the time I was building my dream pantry within my budget. I really wanted these for my pantry. These were in our storage unit when we rented. Hubs got some stuff out and the drawers were part of it. He said "I'm looking forward to using these to store stuff". I said.."I took these for the pantry….sorry". So I put together my pantry the other night. I love these drawers. Mostly because they are from my Grandparents house. I also love that my Grandpa wrote on them. Miss him and Grandma A lot.  My kids were making fun of them because one says.."Markers". They were like there are no markers in there! I said…shut THE F#$% up…….just kidding…seeing if your listening! I only say that shit in my head a lot! It sounds silly but my pantry makes me happy! It reminds me how much I love and miss my Grandparents! Don't roll your eyes….Grandparents are the best thing in the world! They are the people who just love you! No judgement just true love!

Highlights from my week…….My sister was just here. She got me poo-pourri spray for my bathroom. Pig Pen asked what it was for. I told him it is to get the poo smell out of the potty when you poop. I was walking by the bathroom the other night. I caught a glimpse of Pig Pen spraying it into the toilet. I asked WT f@#$ he was doing! He responded "I'm doing what it is for…spraying my poop with it!". Yep, I belly laughed…..Said "you don't spray your actual poop with it, you spray the air". So I call my sister aka.."twisty" and tell her the story. She says"um your both wrong, you don't spray the air, you spray the potty before you poop". Who knew??????

Another funny story is bad weather days. We are not prepared for those here. So I find out there is no school friday due to bad weather again! I'm texting with friends. About to shoot myself. I'm not that perfect mom who loves these days! I want my break from them. So there is this group message going. I say…"I'm not telling my kids there is no school cause I want them to go to bed". I want the TV and the computer. I think one of my friends who I will not mention told her child what I said! Her kid informed one of mine there was no school. It spread like wild fire in my house! Blake…aka the not so charming prince came down wanting a ride to spend the night out! Got me when he told me for my bday which is Tuesday he would write me a note about what a great mom I am….so I folded and let Hubs drive him there! Then Pig Pen ran down and said "No bed time". Woe is me . I was all ready to watch shit TV and chill! Thank you very much to my friends kid who ruined my night! You know who you are and I will pay you back!

While I write this blog post Pig Pen my youngest is face timing girls. He is only ten. With my first I would have been all over his ass…claiming it's not appropriate for his age! What I have learned is it doesn't matter at that age! HS is when you need to worry…plus he's my third…I'm tired! It is was it is…if he heard half of what I've said he will be ok! Let the girls parents stop it!!!!

So I'm off to bed…..one needs to be at the school at 5:45 for a power lifting meet! The other needs to be at baseball at 9:30….all I can think about is a sister wife would be the answer to my prayers! Especially if she puts out! Wow that was bad……but that is me…f@#$ it! Night y'all…too tired to proof read! so sorry for bad grammar and mistakes…I'm not a writer…just an on line blogger!

Xmas cheer!

 It's been a while since I've written my thoughts down. They've been a little messed up lately. Figured I spare you all the drama. We finally moved into my/our dream home. It is a dream. I'm loving the new house. Everything about this house is me. I feel very blessed to be able to live here! Ya know that saying…"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?"……Well this house was a test. It almost killed an 18 year marriage…..but damn it turned out great.

We moved in the weekend before Xmas. All our Xmas was in boxes far, far, away in a storage unit. Hubs managed to find a few boxes of Xmas. Mostly stuff I bought after Xmas last year. We had planned to be in this bitch/house by the start of school. I bought tons of clearance Xmas crap as Hubs called it last year. I just knew I would have the best decorated house this Xmas. Well contractors got in the way of my dream and I found myself moving literally two days before Xmas eve. So I vowed to have a Xmas house before I unpacked any bit of the kitchen. Hubs managed to dig our fake tree out of the back of the storage unit. We got it in and plugged it in. Problem was it didn't light up. This was the start of many Xmas problems to come.

I went to HEB to fill the pantry in this dream house. While checking out the lady told me the trees were ten dollars! I got so excited. I came home with a real tree. Hubs turned his nose up. Said they make a mess. I said…."But it's Xmas, and it smells like Xmas". We set it up and it made this new home feel Xmasy. For about ten hours!

So Xmas eve night we planned a great dinner. A few friends stopped over before we ate. When they were leaving my car was in the way. Hubs throws my oldest the keys. Tells him to back up the car. I look at Hubs and say…"Um, he's not so great at backing up yet". He doesn't drive yet. Hub's says…"He needs to learn". I say…."I don't think it's a good idea". Does anyone listen to me??????? Hell no, no one in this house gets Mama knows best yet. So our friend comes in through the garage with a deer in headlights look on his face. He says…"Ya better come out here". Blake had backed up through the grass and broke a bunch of sprinkler heads on the way". Buzz kill????? Hub's is yelling at Blake…..I'm yelling at Hubs…..Merry Xmas!

We finally get back to a somewhat functional family. It took a while but we pulled through the trailer park and came back down to a little functional. We sit down to open gifts. After all the fighting we are smiling a little bit again. All of the sudden the tree topples over and all we see are all of my beautiful ornaments breaking all over the floor. I know Hub's who hates real trees wants to throw this shit in my face…..but he's learned something over the years…..no one says a thing. We just kind of ignore the fact that the tree just toppled over. We go about our business and finish opening gifts. Now you would think that someone would pick this tree up or clean up ornaments….but no! They are all exhausted from fighting and moving and go to bed.

I find myself on the sofa alone playing candy crush on the computer drinking beer. A slight buzz from the beer kicks in. I decide to put the tree back up. I get the tree up. I put all the non broken ornaments back in place. I sit down for a minute to breath and take Xmas in! Then I go to clean up all my beautiful broken ornaments. While I'm on my hands and knees cleaning the F@?!@#$  Xmas broken shit up the tree falls on top of me. What do I do?????? I lay under it for a little longer than I care to admit and cry under it! Yes, I'm in this amazing house that took years off my face! But I'm having a woe is me moment. And I deserve it! So I throw in my white flag and go to bed!

 I go to bed leaving the tree back on the floor. When I wake up my tree is on my front porch! But…Hubs worked all morning getting the fake one up and decorated! And this is why I'm still married to him after 18 years!

So my sister came with my niece this week. Plus my parents and my brother came the week before. So we are starting to make good memories in this house that took a very, very, very, very, long time to build.

Anywho, Hub's and I celebrated our 18 year anniversary tonight. Shit like this makes me think. I think about everything. All our time together. I laugh a little and cry a little. We have been through so much together. Was this what I imagined as a young girl in my bed at night???? Um….fuck no way! What I pictured in young mind was prince charming……or better yet an eighties movie kind of guy. The one that when I was mad would be outside my window with a boom box playing a sappy love song! Plus perfect kids…like the Brady bunch kids! Did I get an eighties movie guy…no way! Did he get an eighties movie gal…..Um…..hell no! Did we get perfect kids????…..Um, I could write a book on everything that has went wrong with my not so perfect kids! But somehow we made it through almost breakups, close to break downs, building a few houses……this last one almost killed us! But somehow in the storms that came our way we survived so far. Sometimes I think the kids held to together at our toughest times. We both can admit that we might have run for the hills if it wasn't for them. But it's funny as tough as it has been at times we always seem to pull it together. Is it perfect…not so much. But we do have a deep respect for each other in a weird way. We still have date night! Even after all these years! We do agree most of the time on kid stuff! Sometimes we agree that we might have messed them up. If a marriage therapist ever got a hold of us they may run screaming and slit their wrist. But we work it out in the end! And that's what counts!