My brother became addicted to drugs at a young age. He was so smart and creative. It can happen to anyone. A disease. We were raised right. In church every Sunday. My parents were good parents honest and never used drugs. A perfect family.....of course not. Is there a perfect family??? But not the kind that would end up with a kid addicted to drugs. We checked all the boxes. Good parents, solid family life. How did this happen? I ask myself that daily. Guilt? We all carry it. As I'm sure most families going through this do. We all wonder what we could have done differently.
When I was young probably because I'm a girl I imagined myself and my siblings raising kids together. I didn't imagine that, this little boy that was so full of life and so talented and funny would end up an addict. We all had our struggles over the years. But his was different, this addiction took hold of him. NO ONE wants to be an addict. Who would want that? Addicts are not who they are supposed be. They don't think they have a problem and play the blame game. They blame us for their addiction and issues, and it hurts. This has gone on so long for us. Over the years we have visited my brother in a half way house. He has been in and out of rehabs. He has lived with us twice trying to beat this. My parents can't enjoy retirement because they are trying to help him. Never would anyone want that for anyone. I love my brother no matter what unconditional. We all miss him. We all morn what he was supposed to be. And we all carry the guilt of what we could have done different to help him.
But it's our story. It's not a pretty one. It used to be embarrassing. But now I don't care what people think. I only care about us. I guess that comes with age. It's harder than anyone knows. It's heartbreaking because we know who he was before. He is so much more than this addiction. Like I said a good guy creative and funny. I wish he could see that. We see that. He has lost that. What I have had a hard time coming to terms with is that person is gone. You morn that person at times. I said that I know. But it runs in my brain. I have a hard time remembering that person sometimes. I get so sad and angry sometimes. My parents really struggle with this too. The people who see him now see an addict. Said that too but it's true. I see my little brother full of life and super talented, my parents see that kid too. My kids adore him because they don't understand yet. I cry a lot as well as my parents and sister about this. I worry every night that I will get that phone call. Sometimes when my Dad calls I worry that he is calling to me my brother is gone. I worry about what this has done to my parents. Honestly my parents hearts are broken from this. It makes me so mad at him sometimes.
So Joe was living back home with my parents after he was living on streets. It was hard on them. Mostly because anyone who is a parent thinks they can help and fix things. But you can't sometimes. I was there last summer and saw how hard it was. Joe was not right even though we all wanted to pretend he was ok. Ignorance is bliss sometimes. Tried to talk to him and connect to the brother I remember. But that brother was gone. It's hard writing this because I miss that brother. I would give anything to get him back. I pray a lot for him. I love him deeply. I pray he beats this demon. But in some way I get it too. He has a hard road, he has a lot to overcome. Not sure I could do it if I was in his shoes. I think about it a lot. He is 40 and has nothing, no home, no wife, no kids. Well there is us who loves him no matter what has happened. We are all here with open arms waiting for that day. And a lot of extended family who love him too. Unfortunately he doesn't see us......Addiction and ugly word. I believe a lot of people have a person they know struggling. We all struggle with our own shit maybe not drugs but life is not easy for anyone.
My parents recently had to make a decision I hope I never have to face with my kids. They had to have him removed from their home. It was not easy on them. How do you do that? The experts say they are enabling him. Which they were. But how do you put someone you love so much on the street? I can't imagine how Are the experts right? I hope I never face this in lifetime. You have to because they are ruining your life and you are not helping them. Think about if that was your kid. Heartbreaking. So they had him removed. He left with the clothes on his back on a bike. Rode away on his bike. That haunts me everyday. My mother is still a mess about this. It was by far the hardest thing my Mom and Dad has ever done. I haven't talked to my brother in months. I worry daily that I will never see my brother again. I worry about my parents who are so upset and depressed. They did so much for him and loved him so much and for some dumb reason it didn't help him beat addiction. I pray every night for my brother and parents. I wish he knew how much we love him.
I've struggled about posting this. My parents are private people. My sister and I are an open book. Who knows how that happened. But maybe it will reach someone, or help someone going through this. Maybe our brother will read this, and understand we love him. Growing older has taught me that everyone has something they struggle with. No one gets away with a perfect life. In life we have super highs and super lows. But most of us come out on top of our game. I'm sad because I feel Joe's life for the last 22 years has been super low, I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. He seems to be a tortured soul and that is a hard pill to swallow.
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