I wonder if I could get my kids attention if I pulled my hair out and scratched me eyeballs out.

Missing my niece so I decided to post some pictures from her last visit. Or maybe it's because my boys have driven me to the brink of insanity and I'm wondering if girls would be easier. So my weekend started out with canceled basketball games because it slightly snowed in Austin. On Saturday I filled in for a few hours for my boss so he could attend a funeral. This amazing women passed away. I didn't know her very well but every time I saw her she had a smile on her face even though she was in a wheelchair knowing she was dying. I was always in aw of her and her strength. Having an over active imagination when I would run into her at the school I always wondered if I would handle myself with such graciousness if I was facing what she was. I don't think I would, I think I would be angry and bitter. I kind of feel guilty writing this blog complaining about these people I live with. I really do think my family is amazing and I'm lucky to have them even if they make me want to scratch my eyeballs out at times. I want to be here with them wanting to scratch my eyeballs out and feeling all the happiness, sadness, proud moments, disappointing moments, watching them do great things and watching them do not so great things. I just think in a perfect world every Mother deserves this, she deserves to watch her children grow into what she has created. Being a Mother it always makes me sad to see a Mothers time cut short with her children. It just seems so unfair!

Next on my list is I owe my Dad...aka...Grumps an apology. In an early blog post I said he did not support me. While on the phone with him tonight I realized I hurt his feelings. He was telling me that I was a good writer. When I said a friend said I should publish some of my post he said that would be a lot of pressure and it would be harder to write. He didn't mean anything bad by that and I kind of poked a little fun at him. I have the greatest Dad ever he always makes me feel good about myself. He brags about me being a great mom, a great cook, and now a good writer. He even overlooks my miss spellings and bad grammar. I always look forward to my Dad coming out for a weekend or the times I go stay at his house for five weeks in the summer. I love spending time with him, I had such a great time on the road trip this summer to Chicago, even when the car broke down and we got stranded in Arkansas. My Dad gives me a feeling of safety even at forty years old. Love you Grumps.....your the best Dad ever!

So Monday came around and by the way I hate Mondays. I got the kids up and out. I went back to bed because that's how I roll. I rolled out of bed at 11:30, now usually I roll out at about ten but I tell you I get my best sleep after the kids go to school. I dream the most craziest stuff after the kids go to school. Usually it has something to do with the Vamp. The sad thing is in these dreams I'm chasing the Vamp he is just not that into me. So I finally get up and in the shower with many things on my mind. I need to workout, but I don't want too! I need to clean up, but I don't want too. I don't get why it's so easy to eat bad, drink sodas, and beer. It is so damn hard to be motivated to workout and eat right. Even though I had every intention to do the right thing I cracked a Dr Pepper and settled in for a day of shit TV. Guilty once again, sometimes I feel I live my life in the state of guilt. Guilt about not doing what I think I should and most of all guilt about not raising these people as good as I should. So three O'clock rolled around and I picked these kids up to get some cavities filled. Aidan this being his first cavity cried all the way to the appointment. He was scared that this was going to hurt. I spent my time lecturing him about brushing his teeth better. We get there and Aidan goes in first with his tail pretty much between his legs. I sit in the waiting room with Cole complaining about not hanging out with his friend. I'm trying to tell him this is his fault that he is in this situation. All the time feeling this overwhelming guilt. Yes he has the cavities but why didn't I stand over him every time I told him to brush his teeth. I was a kid once, I remember getting the toothbrush wet and not brushing at all. I'm smarter than them but I can be a bit lazy at times.

So Hub's left town for his annual Dallas meeting. Bedtime when Hub's is gone never goes smoothly, even though I scream my ass off. For some reason they don't fear me. So I'm trying to get them in bed and get their teeth brushed. I break up one fist fight between the little guys. Then I find myself on floor in their bedroom waiting wanting to put the white flag out....I give up! I look up at the ceiling fan above my head wondering if it fell down and knocked me out if I would feel better. Blake...aka...who raised you?..... walks in and grabs Cole and tells him to go to bed. I look at him and tell him he is not the parent. He tells me that Dad told him to help out while he was gone. I look at him and say helping out is not man handling your brother it is going to bed when you should and listening to what I have to say....I do not need a bouncer.

So anyway today I kind of feeling like pulling my hair out and scratching my eyeballs out. I wonder where did I go???? I used to love to paint rooms in my house and redesign things, I loved to take pictures, today I have zero interest in anything. It might be the fact that I got my monthly MS magazine. I was really hoping that the new oral medications would be the answer to my problems. The sad thing is they seem to do more harm than good. Yes, they reduce the effects of MS but they also increase your chances of blood clots, heart problems, liver problems, and cancer. Not to mention they cause nausea, headache, flu like symptoms, and coughing. What to do????? I still believe ignorance may just be bliss. Sometimes I wish I didn't know I had this. Sometimes I think my overactive mind messes with me more than the disease does.I'm still here in La La land wishing to win the lotto so I can take care of the people I live with and all the other great people in my life. Tomorrow I have a hair appointment, I'm thinking I want to re-invent myself and become a redhead or a brunette. We will see I usually do the same old thing. Once again sorry for miss spellings, bad grammar, and run on sentencing.....it is what it is and I own it.