The Valentine Day massacre

I felt after my last blog that I should have included a picture of my jack ass self clubbing with that balloon under my shirt. These two girls who were not with me wouldn't leave me alone. At least I still got it even if I picked up two chicks! Don't get me wrong I didn't go home singing I kissed a girl and I liked it. Thank God for small favors.

After getting home Sunday I find the clothes I left in the washer and dryer left in a pile for me to put away. I guess I just thought maybe these people would surprise me and they would be put up. It is FebruKerry after all. This kind of gets under my skin.....now I have to throw all these clothes back in dryer so they are not wrinkled. I should just let these people go out in wrinkled clothes. The sad thing is they wouldn't care and other moms would just judge my ass for it. Since I am a total procrastinator I'm not prepared at all for Valentine day. Still nursing a hang over I head out to HEB to get all the stuff we need for the Valentine party's at school. I bring Cole and Aidan....aka...Dumb....and Dumber. Big mistake! Cole does pick out a very nice gift for the love of life. Not what I would of picked but who the hell listens to me anyway. I get home and the kids get in bed and out of bed a few times before the house is settled. I pull up the dreaded E-mails I have not checked in a while. I realize it's still track season for Blake which means he has to be at the far ass school by seven am every day this week. Then I realize that Cole has a Basketball tournament this week and weekend, Cole and Aidan start soccer practice this week. Holy crap Cole has a basketball game Thursday night, Aidan has soccer practice Thursday night, and Blake has a track meet Thursday night!!!!!!!!! My head starts to spin and I almost feel sick to my stomach......Calgon????????

I start to bake my.....I can't mess these up....Rollo pretzel treats for the parties. I usually top these with a nut but since you can not bring nuts anywhere near a school party I top them with pink and red m&ms I'm up till 1:30 making these suckers. I get my best work done after these people go to bed. Trying to motivate myself for the week I'm singing in my head.....baby your a firework by Katy Perry. Truth be told I really want to be Katy Perry for at least a week.

I wake up Valentine day morning and the house is quiet. Hubby got the kids up and out the door. He let me get some much needed beauty sleep. I go in the kitchen and there is a dozen roses. Next to the roses there is a note that says......Dear Kerry...the best wife a man could ask for, I will go to all the parties today, you just go back to bed. After you wake up the house will be all clean because I hired a cleaning crew to do all the stuff for you. Just relax and watch all that shit TV you like. Oh, but get ready in your best clothes around five because I'm taking you out for a night on the town, BTW, I hired the babysitter so no worries. Oh wait, I forgot the kids have nicer clothes than you so go buy yourself a new outfit and some ridiculously expensive boots for tonight. Last but not least you totally have a get out of jail free card when you get home and I won the mega millions. Alright so I'm totally lying but a girl can dream right!

So truth be told I finally got in bed at two am. My alarm went off at 6:15. I went up to get Blake out of bed and lay down in his bed with the best dog ever while I argued with him about getting up. He finally got up and in the shower, his ride was coming at 6:45. Thank God there are other kids in track in this hood so I don't have to drive all week only two days. While he is in shower I'm spooning the best dog ever while I reset my alarm to wake me be back up at seven to get dumb and dumber out the door. Alarm goes off and I pick up my phone and call down to Hubby who by the way is in a huge hurry to get to work and beg him to get those two out the door so I can continue spooning the dog. I guess because it's FebruKerry he agrees and I reset my alarm once again because Cole's Valentine party is at nine am. So I reset for 8:15 since I have not showered in two days. Gross, I know but it is what it is. Once again the alarm goes off way to fast. I hit the snooze once thinking I still will have time to shower. All the while having a little argument in my head about getting up. The evil twin wins as usual. I hit the snooze again thinking it's alright not to shower. For God sakes I'm not at all a morning gal! I finally get up and have 15 minutes to get to this party. Now I do brush my teeth but a shower is out of the question at this point.

I get up to the school looking ridden hard and put away wet just in time for the party. I get there and they are making a Valentine day card for the special person in their life. As I'm passing out the mini blueberry muffins I made, I mean bought I see all the kids are making Valentines for their moms. I get to Cole and his says.... I love you, you are fun to play with, you have pretty eyes, you are very pretty and you are very good at sports mostly basketball. At this point I realize this card is not for me! For Reals?????? Already at nine I'm not the special person in his life????? At least I approve of the girl he is writing it for since her parents are some of my best friends. I walk over to the room mom to complain...now I know all of you are surprised I'm not the room mom and all. Thank God, her son also made his to a girl! At least I'm not the only one. So the party ends not fast enough and I stop by my friends party to tell her to come see our pictures from our blame it on the alcohol night out.

So Ash heads over to check out our party pics and we laugh but delete more than half. Not because we were doing anything wrong mostly because we look like shit. So we contemplate going to the work out center but we decide a nap sounds better. She goes on her way and I hear the vacuum running upstairs. Now remember my brother...aka....Lost...is staying with me. Since he is cleaning the guilt takes over and I start to clean the down stairs. My boss text me to ask me what days I need off for spring break. I text him back to give him the dates. A few minutes later he calls because he is confused about my dates. I look down at the calender I pulled from the pantry and realize I pulled last years calender. Of course he is confused and I just look like an ass once again. I wish I could say blame it on the alcohol but I can't.

So Aidan's party is at 12:45. Sad thing is when I was leaving Cole's party I asked when the 1st grade party was forgetting that Aidan was in second. Still can't say blame it on the alcohol, but for Gods sake I just may be losing it. Thank God I realize he is actually in second and pull up the time on the web. I do shower before his party. I kind of look like a different person at his party. I leave for the party with my Rollo treats in the car. I roll right through a stop sign on my way. As I'm doing this I see the cop coming my way. I of course get pulled over because this to me seems like the Valentine massacre at this point. So I smile really big and I'm super sweet. The cop says.....Do you know why I'm pulling you over?????? I say....Yes, I totally rolled through that stop sign because I'm really late for my babies very first Valentine day party. He buys my bullshit and I get off with a warning.....as my mom ....aka.....Debbie Downer would say.....I got off with a "Joe Kane" pass. Joe Kane is my dad and he does almost seem to have a pass in life. Thank God, I got that part of of him. Even though I didn't get my mom's perfect skin I did inherit the "Joe Kane pass in life"....sometimes I wonder what would be better????? I really think winkle free skin in my sixties might be the better deal.

So I end up at Aidan's party just a little late due to technically difficulties. While there his teacher comes up to me and tells me she has something to talk to me about. I know from experience this is never going to be something good. She tells me Aidan has worn his hoodie because he is embarrassed of his haircut. Omg, I had no idea but this is so typical of Aidan. So I pull Aidan aside and say whats the deal with the haircut???? He tells me someone made fun of it. All I got to say is kids suck! They are the reason we are not what we are supposed to be in life. Blame your miss hap's on your asshole classmates.

I pick the kids up from school and Cole wants to deliver his valentine to his soul mate. We drive over to my friends house and he gives his Valentine. It's cute how they are so un-a-where that the real world is no Valentine. He pops out of my car super excited to give his valentine her gift. She of course loves it.

Later in the night I call my friend to set up an arranged marriage first and foremost because were going to have the best wedding video of all time.

After that I realize I don't have a Valentine for Hubs. It's almost time for him to be home. Not much in the way of shopping in these parts. What's a girl to do????? I get in the car and head to the liquor store. On special occasions he likes to sip on an expensive scotch. My cell phone rings and it's him. He says.....where you going??? I ask how do you know I'm out??? He says I just passed you. SHIT, now he's going to know this was a last minute gift with little thought. I just say I need to pick up something. He is like What????? Me......Just something, so let me go. We finally hang up the phone. I get in the store and have the guy help me pick out a good scotch. When I get to the counter I think SHIT I have no card. I ask the guy if he happens to have Valentine cards here. He points over to a little table. I go over don't really read over the card because I suck. I give Hub's my card and the scotch. A few minutes later he calls me in the kitchen and says Thanks but I didn't know you thought of me as your women. He holds up the card that says...To the Women. Totally caught off guard I have no way to get myself out of this one. Usually I'm pretty quick at talking my way out of things.....this comes from years of experience of getting away with things with my Dad....aka....Grump. I grab the card and a pen cross out women put man and hand it back to him. I look at him smile and say it's the thought that counts. Alright so there was no thought put into this, but Valentine day is a made up hallmark holiday anyway! I'm starting to sound like a dude......scary!

So I have to turn these tables. Hub's left a V-day card for me this am on the counter. I look at him and ask where's my gift????? He says....well your birthday gift was pretty expensive so I thought that could also be your Valentine gift. This to me is bullshit. My birthday and Valentine day are two separate days! If my birthday was in September he wouldn't combine it with Valentine day. This is not the first time he combined these two days. You think he would learn after being married to me for fifteen years. I head out to thunder cloud subs to get our romantic take out dinner. He is in the bathroom yelling because someone completely missed the potty. No one is admitting it so I come around the corner and yell I just watched the secret camera does someone what to admit it now????? They fold right away and Aidan...aka...dumber comes forward. I'm starting to think I just may need to be a poker player. I can't believe I'm still riding this secret camera train.

After we eat our Valentine day subs. Hub's heads to the rec center and leaves me to deal with the dreaded homework hour. They are especially wild tonight. I can't tell you how many times I yelled.....DON'T TALK TO EACH OTHER, DON'T LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND MOST OF ALL DON'T TOUCH EACH OTHER. At one point they are running circles and yelling through the kitchen dining room and foyer. I'm thinking what the HELL while I'm thinking this I see the bags of Valentine candy on the counter. OH YEAH, sugar high! This is not at all what I imagined Valentine Day would be like when I walked down the isle to say I do. They don't tell you this crap. Not to mention we are brainwashed by fairy tails and then by eighties movies. What I would like is the Vamp standing outside my window with a boom box over his head that song HELLO, IS IT ME YOUR LOOKING FOR would be blasting. Ya know the Lionel Richie one. I would yell HELLO, YOU ARE THE ONE I'M LOOKING FOR! Just the thought of that gives me those little butterflies I used to get in my younger years.

So Valentine day reminded me of the Valentine massacre. I still love these people I live with even if they make me want to pull my hair out. So I'm sitting here working on some paperwork after the kids were in bed. Hub's comes by and says......Why don't you come in here and get in your PJ's. This is code for he wants some. A girls work is never done! Would it be bad if I said Happy Fucking Valentine Day everyone?????