Time is flying

These people I live with......

I don't live with some of them anymore. When I started this blog my house was large and in charge, full of life. My house was never quiet rarely clean. My pantry was full. My life was insane if I can be honest. Three boys playing sports. I was running like a chicken with my head cut off. Wondering sometimes if I could get through the day and keep them alive or myself. The days were long but the years were short. 

Running to three different schools at one point. I felt like all I did was pick up and drop off. Sometimes empty inside wishing these days would end. School parties, birthday parties, sports parties.....when will this end???? Messy house, tripping over backpacks and toys. The unending cooking and cleaning.  Complete chaos. Sleep overs and the never ending stream of kids in and out. We were the house the kids came to. 

Then there was not so perfect kids. The judgement of other parents. The compare game in my head. When will this end??? Now I say that was nothing and who cares really? My kids did normal teenage crap. I got out alright. Christmas and the un ending on line shopping for ridiculous shit. Again when will this end?? Fighting OHHH the fighting with three boys.....The 5000 thousand times a day they yelled MOM! He's touching me, this is not fair, you are the worst Mom ever, everyone else can, you don't understand, this is so stupid, WHY, and so on and so on. In my wildest dreams I never imagined I would miss the chaos. 

Before my eyes my boys grew up. I could no longer carry them to bed. The bath time I dreaded was gone. Those sweet little voices were gone. Them wanting me around for everything went away. School parties, Christmas parties, field trips, games, all went away. In a blink of an eye. Now I hear myself saying things that used to make me cringe when old people said them to me. Enjoy these years...they go so fast. Just wait before you know it they are grown up. Enjoy driving them around you will miss these days. Those old asses are spot on. I often think what I would give to go back or freeze a certain part of my life. I would give anything to go back to that chaos. I miss it so much. I feel these were the best years of my life. Who would have thought. Even the bad times. 

My house is different now. These people I live with are no longer a torn in my side. They are gone. My house is quiet and clean. No noise, no filled pantry, no driving, nothing to do, no three games on any given day. . Now they are a torn in my pocket book with college. NO FUN. They owe me a facelift when they make money. Because they took years off my youthful glow...LOL 

So I sit here on a Friday night nothing to do, no football game. No waiting for them to get home at night. No wondering where they are, if they are where they are supposed to be. No them or their friends in my house. Again the house is quiet and clean. The pantry is empty. Me and the dogs watching Hallmark. Hubs asleep. TOO QUIET. 

My kids are doing well. That makes me happy. Blake is working a full time job in land surveying. Still with his girlfriend from middle school. Cole is away at college station going to A&M. Still with his HS girlfriend.  Aidan AKA pig pen is still a pig, a senior now, never around, just leaving dishes behind ....a rolling stone, no girlfriend. I don't write this blog often anymore. I started it for my kids to look back on. God help them when the read back. I wish I kept up with it. I love reading back on our stories. Makes me sad that our story went so fast. I sent Cole...AKA..my almost perfect kid a picture that popped up on my timeline through facebook.  One of him playing football. Said I miss these days. He said "I miss them too, makes me sad those days are over". I might have done a happy dance...knowing that he too misses our time back in the day. Damn I sound OLD! He said something when he went to college that will stay with me forever. I was doing the ugly cry hugging him. He said " I'm super sad that my years are gone living with you and Dad as a kid in our home". That is a hard a pill to swallow as a parent. Mostly because he's right those years are gone. 

I know I've said it before....To all you people with younger kids....enjoy them, it goes so fast. Don't sweat the small stuff and do not compare your family to others. It's a mind fuck that in the long run doesn't matter. You do you and what's good for you. Because these days go so fast. Now I'm just waiting for college graduations so I can have money again...and weddings and grandkids! No writer here So excuse run on's and bad writing. It is what it is! 

kids growing up lighting fast

Addiction sucks

Addiction......an evil word. When I think about addiction I think back to this picture. I love this picture we were all so happy and innocent. Sheltered from the big bad evil world. My brother was adorable. And Kelly and I too. LOL! We knew nothing about how cruel the world could be. I liked that time. I honestly wish we had a do over. There is much I would say as the older sister. But I had no clue. 

My brother became addicted to drugs at a young age. He was so smart and creative. It can happen to anyone. A disease. We were raised right. In church every Sunday. My parents were good parents honest and never used drugs. A perfect family.....of course not. Is there a perfect family??? But not the kind that would end up with a kid addicted to drugs.  We checked all the boxes. Good parents, solid family life. How did this happen? I ask myself that daily. Guilt? We all carry it. As I'm sure most families going through this do. We all wonder what we could have done differently. 

When I was young probably because I'm a girl I imagined myself and my siblings raising kids together. I didn't imagine that, this little boy that was so full of life and so talented and funny would end up an addict. We all had our struggles over the years. But his was different,  this addiction took hold of him.  NO ONE wants to be an addict. Who would want that? Addicts are not who they are supposed be. They don't think they have a problem and play the blame game. They blame us for their addiction and issues, and it hurts.  This has gone on so long for us. Over the years we have visited  my brother in a half way house. He has been in and out of rehabs. He has lived with us twice trying to beat this.  My parents can't enjoy retirement because they are trying to help him.  Never would anyone want that for anyone. I love my brother no matter what unconditional. We all miss him. We all morn what he was supposed to be. And we all carry the guilt of what we could have done different to help him. 

But it's our story. It's not a pretty one. It used to be embarrassing. But now I don't care what people think. I only care about us. I guess that comes with age. It's harder than anyone knows. It's heartbreaking because we know who he was before. He is so much more than this addiction. Like I said a good guy creative and funny.  I wish he could see that.  We see that. He has lost that. What I have had a hard time coming to terms with is that person is gone.  You morn that person at times. I said that I know. But it runs in my brain. I have a hard time remembering that person sometimes. I get so sad and angry sometimes. My parents really struggle with this too. The people who see him now see an addict. Said that too but it's true. I see my little brother full of life and super talented, my parents see that kid too.  My kids adore him because they don't understand yet. I cry a lot as well as my parents and sister about this.  I worry every night that I will get that phone call. Sometimes when my Dad calls I worry that he is calling to me my brother is gone.  I worry about what this has done to my parents. Honestly my parents hearts are broken from this. It makes me so mad at him sometimes. 

So Joe was living back home with my parents after he was living on streets. It was hard on them. Mostly because anyone who is a parent thinks they can help and fix things. But you can't sometimes.  I was there last summer and saw how hard it was. Joe was not right even though we all wanted to pretend he was ok. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  Tried to talk to him and connect to the brother I remember. But that brother was gone. It's hard writing this because I miss that brother. I would give anything to get him back. I pray a lot for him. I love him deeply. I pray he beats this demon. But in some way I get it too. He has a hard road, he has a lot to overcome. Not sure I could do it if I was in his shoes. I think about it a lot. He is 40 and has nothing, no home, no wife, no kids. Well there is us who loves him no matter what has happened. We are all here with open arms waiting for that day.  And a lot of extended family who love him too. Unfortunately he doesn't see us......Addiction and ugly word. I believe a lot of people have a person they know struggling. We all struggle with our own shit maybe not drugs but life is not easy for anyone.  

My parents recently had to make a decision I hope I never have to face with my kids. They had to have him removed from their home. It was not easy on them. How do you do that? The experts say they are enabling him. Which they were. But how do you put someone you love so much on the street? I can't imagine how Are the experts right?  I hope I never face this in lifetime. You have to because they are ruining your life and you are not helping them. Think about if that was your kid. Heartbreaking. So they had him removed. He left with the clothes on his back on a bike. Rode away on his bike. That haunts me everyday. My mother is still a mess about this. It was by far the hardest thing my Mom and Dad has ever done. I haven't talked to my brother in months. I worry daily that I will never see my brother again. I worry about my parents who are so upset and depressed. They did so much for him and loved him so much and for some dumb reason it didn't help him beat addiction. I pray every night for my brother and parents. I wish he knew how much we love him. 

I've struggled about posting this. My parents are private people. My sister and I are an open book. Who knows how that happened. But maybe it will reach someone, or help someone going through this. Maybe our brother will read this, and understand we love him. Growing older has taught me that everyone has something they struggle with. No one gets away with a perfect life. In life we have super highs and super lows. But most of us come out on top of our game. I'm sad because I feel Joe's life for the last 22 years has been super low, I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. He seems to be a tortured soul and that is a hard pill to swallow. 

Stuck at home with these people I live with.

So here we are Quarantined. My college student has moved back in my house. I missed him terribly. Until he came back home. He's loud, stays up all night on Xbox, and eats like he's never had a meal in his life. UGH did I really miss this???? Or did I miss the version of him in elementary school? My oldest is here now too.....with the the girlfriend since 6th grade. Thought I was almost an empty nester. Is that a real thing??? I have a full house again. At least now Hub's is not pushing me to sell my dream home. But not the fun an innocent house I moan for. Now I'm in the needy all I want is your money house. Get eggs, soup, milk, toilet paper house. Ugh hard to find right???? And toilet paper does not fall from the trees anymore. I could go on a whole toilet paper thing....who needs that much toilet paper right??????????

So let me fill you in. I honesty I feel we will be ok eventually. Hubs and I are both in strange jobs. Well not strange if the economy is in good shape we are golden. . Both are jobs depend on the economy being in good shape. It's how we pay our bills and put our kids through college. If the economy tanks we are in big trouble. We may not be able to help our kids as much as we have, It kills me . But listen we are not only stressing about that. But stressing more for the people who have jobs shutting down completely. My worry is for others. This is a big deal for single moms and people living paycheck to paycheck. So many people are going to affected from this.

On a lighter note. My hubs which I wish I took pictures of is walking around our house with a glove disinfecting every inch. I can't say anything bad or make fun of him. He's worried about me having MS. He's scared for me. But like I said on lighter moment. Aidan my youngest, was running around acting like the world is normal. God bless his heart he made TX relays it's a huge deal. Canceled as are many weddings, proms, and graduations. It not only effects him, but honesty everyone in some way. We all have things that effecting us in this time. My God jobs, weddings, vacations, seeing family, proms, graduations, It's a F'd up mess honestly. Like a bad dream but it's reality right now.

Started writing this weeks ago....Wow have things changed. Cole's car died too much money to fix....so it's worth nothing.  A BMW with 125 miles priceless. A thorn in my side...yes but there's more. Water heater went out....umm in this house seven years should still be fine. Not so much....under 50 days warrantee. good times. No hot water was kinda a bitch. Kitchen faucet springs a leak good times. Mike's truck died...needs a new battery, Well then there was Aidan who I can not say enough about. To him this is hell he made Texas relays.......a huge deal if you know about track. They take to top kids in the state to this. Canceled due to corona.  But I will say it took a lot of hard work to get there and he was beyond excited to be able to go.  But he still kept on doing everything it took not to fall behind. Not sure where he came from. Anyway to make my sad story worst. I get a call at my essential job from hubs...and hubs has little emotion usually. He's in a panic telling my Aidan is hurt. I don't usually freak out. But Hubs is usually calm is shaken. He tells me it's really bad.   His foot is sideways. They go to the nearest hospital. They put Aidan under and reset his foot. My God this kid I can't tell you how he has put his heart and soul into this sport. Pole vaulting into our pool, his bed (I have video) the backyard. I have three boys raised the same but they are very different go figure. But this one drives an hour away three times week to try and be the best. He is number four Texas. Totally bragging..LOL But now he is injured. To say he is depressed is an understatement.  Severe sprain a ton of torn ligaments. As shit show honestly. He's devastated



As much as this is affecting my family.  Everything is ruined. We all have been affected in some way. But people are dying alone. That haunts me. And the the people we lose can not be replaced. My kids don't get this..Mostly because they are young an immature. I'm trying to teach them this is no joke. They will not get it until it affects them.  I'm trying to teach them it's real.  Yes it sucks. My kids don't know anyone with this so they are not getting the staying at home thing. A true struggle. Trying to parent staying at home.


So Zoom is a thing....Friday night highlight.
Puzzles....who knew these can be fun and cause fights.....Damn puzzle hogs
game night hello
Too much time together it's a real struggle and a blessing at the time.
I miss my friends....Getting to know how important it is to see them.
Missing so much that was normal. A stay at home Hub's is for the birds BTW!


Feels like a nightmare. The "new normal" is terrible.

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40!

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40. This has been in my head for the last ten years! Literally. This is a picture of me at 40. I thought I was fat and looked old! It's my theory that I think we should age in reverse. Totally stealing that theory from the Benjamin button movie. I didn't have a pinch of fat, and I looked young. I didn't get it until I actually aged. Now I know what fat and old looks like. Kind of I'm not that fat...but fatter then at 40! My mom always told me if you don't like a picture of yourself now you will love it in ten years. She was right. And that was yesterday. It's Aidan's Aka Pig pens bday tonight. I posted pics of him through the years. It's been a sad day for me. Where did the years go....LOL I'm making this all about me and my issues! Get over myself right. At least I own it! Happy we have made it through the shitty years with almost no issues. Knock on wood...seriously. I don't want to count my chickens till they all hatch. Still have a year and a half to go with him. But he was my hardest in elementary school. Riddled with anxiety afraid of everything. But HS has been a breeze compared to his brothers. He's driven and such a hard worker. I'm so proud of him.

I'll never forget a few things my Mother said over the years. She told me before you know it your kids are grown and you are scratching your head where the years went. Check I'm there! Scratching is an understatement! My mother said and she may kill me that the key to happy marriage is bitting your tongue, putting out regularly,  and complement them a lot. Because us girls get the high maintenance pinned on our heads. Not the case though. Men are way more needy! She said men are simple they need food, sex, and compliments. Honestly  We get a bad wrap. Men are way more high maintenance. How many of you have a husband who thinks he's dying when he's sick. When we are sick we are driving kids to school and doing laundry. Right???? My Father said something that sticks in my head too. He said there will come a day when you look in mirror and don't recognize yourself. You will still feel young and realize your body is aging. I see that now.. No fun!

So fifty nifty, nifty fifty comes to mind.....Bullshit. Fifty fuck that... fifty how the fuck? Fifty Bullshit. Fifty fucking sucks. Fifty is great if you are Jennifer Lopez. My Dad is going to mad? He hates when I cuss... Old school I guess. I like it. But it ain't me. I love to cuss....not sure where I came from. My catholic school upbringing failed. I love God but I love to cuss. Makes me feel better. I will write something nice about my about to be 19 year Cole soon tomorrow So June is a good month for hubs. Hard to say. He turns 19 tomorrow. My Dad text me on my 50th bday.."happy 50th that's hard to say" But he was a child like 20 when he had me. He was 47 when I married. So young. Younger than me now! I love that my kids have so many great times with my parents over the years. They are my happiest memories. And my husbands mom has been there through so many good times too. His Dad got cheated and passed away young. But was there to see all my kids for a while. Also there to get me through the my first born.....oh how I cherish that. He was my rock that day. Miss that man all the time. He was one of a kind. Taught me a ton.

Anyway.... On my soapbox tonight. Life is hard, harder for some more than others. The older we get the harder it is. I was super naive in my younger years...probably longer than I should have been. The older we get we become scared from life. Disappointed in things and people. Some smart person once told me hold on to your family because they are the people who have your back no matter what. The good bad and the evil and they love you no matter what. So true, You find very few friends along the way that are just as good as your family that you can be honest and true with. I'm super blessed to have found those people in my life. And I'm really blessed I have have the best sister in the world, she will be forever my best friend.

50 years five million beers

50 years five million beers! Oh the things I have seen and done. Looks like I made it! At least to 50, which seemed so impossible and so old at age 20. But honestly it got here sooner than I thought it would. Wishing it hadn't gone so fast. Wishing for a do over. Thinking about it I don't feel 50 most days. Not that I know what it's supposed to feel like. I'm 50 for the first and last day of my life. I remember for some reason when my kids were born I calculated what their age would be when I was 50. I remember being upset that I would still have a kid in HS at age 50. Maybe because at that age 50 was OLD AS HELL! Maybe because my parents were in their 30's when I graduated HS! And I thought they were old at that time. But today I'm just happy to be celebrating my 50th Bday.

So today on my 50th I was dreaming the grim reaper was after me right before I woke up....NO JOKE. He was not only after me but my Dad, Mom, and Brother. We were at a Halloween party and people were dropping like flies. I kept running from him....hoping he wasn't getting my family. Which all oddly took place at my Grandparents house. In my dream I had no husband or kids....No clue what the hell that dream was about! I woke up feeling sad kinda of teary eyed. Again not any clue why. MAYBE because I'm 50! I don't love it! If I can be honest I'd like to be 27 again. I feel It's unfair how fast the years went. I want to go back to when my kids were babies. Those were my favorite years of my life so far. I'd hug them tight and start over. Do have regrets ....ummm yes a ton. But I'm thankful for these 50 years and everything they have come with.

I sit here tonight with an island full a fabulous gifts, from my best friends and family members. Everyone put so much thought into what I love and hit the nail on head. I'm so thankful for all these people in my life. Went to a great dinner and lunch with my friends. They make me feel special. I couldn't ask for a better 50 years! Unless you really want a list...LOL! I could ask for a few changes! I wish people I have lost over the years were still here. I wish people I have seen struggle didn't have those struggles. I wish my face wasn't melting like candle! If I had a Hollywood makeover I'd feel better. Two of my kids no longer live here. Wish we were all still here and I could freeze time. Crazy to think about.

At 50 I feel different....

I'm no longer worried who likes me....not everyone likes me and that's ok. I don't like everyone either so I shouldn't expect everyone to like me. I don't like myself all the time.  Not everyone who enjoys an apple enjoys an orange....and that's ok! I'm an orange if you care.

I'm no longer afraid to have my own opinion. I don't have to agree with people and they don't have to agree with me....We can still be friends!

I know myself.....Kinda of....The good, bad , and the evil and I own it, SOMETIMES....LOL I still like to lie to myself. My sister sets me straight a lot.

I can laugh at myself. If I have food in my teeth, if I fart, or snort it's funny!

I'm more at peace with my mistakes and tooting my horn if I do something great.

I don't give a flying F what you think of me or my kids anymore....this was a struggle for years for me. We are who we are, not perfect but we work for us. That's all that counts.

I embrace my imperfections. I'm never going to weight 110 even though I swore I would the last ten years. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Kind of

I'm not afraid of flying as much as I used to be. I take drugs now to fly!

I take life way less serious because we are all doing the best we can.

I can totally use the excuse "I'm set in my ways"! YEP I'M AT THAT AGE NOW!

I have such a greater appreciation for life and my family and friends. They are the best part of my life.

I can laugh at others even in their face! Because I'm old!

I don't sweat the small stuff...Or I lie to myself about this

I have a good reason for forgetting things or not being able to see small print!

People expect you to be a bad dancer, a bad singer, and to go home early.

You can give good old people advise, forgive people because it doesn't really matter, and let go because you know life is short!

So to cap things off I'm 50....hard to say that. But I'm so thankful for everything. I love my family and my friends. My husband and I have been blessed with good kids, family, and friends, I probably have run on sentences and grammar mistakes in this post...But I can't see and I'm old. Cheers to five million more beers....And hopefully granddaughters some day! HAPPY BDAY TO ME!

Oh yes final note I have a belly...what that means to me is I've enjoyed beers, pizza, and burgers. In my perfect life it wouldn't put fat on my belly...But I'm living large! And oh yes, at 50 you realize a ton of people talk shit about you.....and that's ok because you to talk shit about people. Lets be honest! And how sad it would be if we were not important enough to talk shit about. We are always being judged but honestly we are are always judging too. So we should all just get over ourselves and try and support each other.....easier said then done. My next 50 years I will try and get over myself and stop judging and talking shit. Amen