Addiction sucks

Addiction......an evil word. When I think about addiction I think back to this picture. I love this picture we were all so happy and innocent. Sheltered from the big bad evil world. My brother was adorable. And Kelly and I too. LOL! We knew nothing about how cruel the world could be. I liked that time. I honestly wish we had a do over. There is much I would say as the older sister. But I had no clue. 

My brother became addicted to drugs at a young age. He was so smart and creative. It can happen to anyone. A disease. We were raised right. In church every Sunday. My parents were good parents honest and never used drugs. A perfect family.....of course not. Is there a perfect family??? But not the kind that would end up with a kid addicted to drugs.  We checked all the boxes. Good parents, solid family life. How did this happen? I ask myself that daily. Guilt? We all carry it. As I'm sure most families going through this do. We all wonder what we could have done differently. 

When I was young probably because I'm a girl I imagined myself and my siblings raising kids together. I didn't imagine that, this little boy that was so full of life and so talented and funny would end up an addict. We all had our struggles over the years. But his was different,  this addiction took hold of him.  NO ONE wants to be an addict. Who would want that? Addicts are not who they are supposed be. They don't think they have a problem and play the blame game. They blame us for their addiction and issues, and it hurts.  This has gone on so long for us. Over the years we have visited  my brother in a half way house. He has been in and out of rehabs. He has lived with us twice trying to beat this.  My parents can't enjoy retirement because they are trying to help him.  Never would anyone want that for anyone. I love my brother no matter what unconditional. We all miss him. We all morn what he was supposed to be. And we all carry the guilt of what we could have done different to help him. 

But it's our story. It's not a pretty one. It used to be embarrassing. But now I don't care what people think. I only care about us. I guess that comes with age. It's harder than anyone knows. It's heartbreaking because we know who he was before. He is so much more than this addiction. Like I said a good guy creative and funny.  I wish he could see that.  We see that. He has lost that. What I have had a hard time coming to terms with is that person is gone.  You morn that person at times. I said that I know. But it runs in my brain. I have a hard time remembering that person sometimes. I get so sad and angry sometimes. My parents really struggle with this too. The people who see him now see an addict. Said that too but it's true. I see my little brother full of life and super talented, my parents see that kid too.  My kids adore him because they don't understand yet. I cry a lot as well as my parents and sister about this.  I worry every night that I will get that phone call. Sometimes when my Dad calls I worry that he is calling to me my brother is gone.  I worry about what this has done to my parents. Honestly my parents hearts are broken from this. It makes me so mad at him sometimes. 

So Joe was living back home with my parents after he was living on streets. It was hard on them. Mostly because anyone who is a parent thinks they can help and fix things. But you can't sometimes.  I was there last summer and saw how hard it was. Joe was not right even though we all wanted to pretend he was ok. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  Tried to talk to him and connect to the brother I remember. But that brother was gone. It's hard writing this because I miss that brother. I would give anything to get him back. I pray a lot for him. I love him deeply. I pray he beats this demon. But in some way I get it too. He has a hard road, he has a lot to overcome. Not sure I could do it if I was in his shoes. I think about it a lot. He is 40 and has nothing, no home, no wife, no kids. Well there is us who loves him no matter what has happened. We are all here with open arms waiting for that day.  And a lot of extended family who love him too. Unfortunately he doesn't see us......Addiction and ugly word. I believe a lot of people have a person they know struggling. We all struggle with our own shit maybe not drugs but life is not easy for anyone.  

My parents recently had to make a decision I hope I never have to face with my kids. They had to have him removed from their home. It was not easy on them. How do you do that? The experts say they are enabling him. Which they were. But how do you put someone you love so much on the street? I can't imagine how Are the experts right?  I hope I never face this in lifetime. You have to because they are ruining your life and you are not helping them. Think about if that was your kid. Heartbreaking. So they had him removed. He left with the clothes on his back on a bike. Rode away on his bike. That haunts me everyday. My mother is still a mess about this. It was by far the hardest thing my Mom and Dad has ever done. I haven't talked to my brother in months. I worry daily that I will never see my brother again. I worry about my parents who are so upset and depressed. They did so much for him and loved him so much and for some dumb reason it didn't help him beat addiction. I pray every night for my brother and parents. I wish he knew how much we love him. 

I've struggled about posting this. My parents are private people. My sister and I are an open book. Who knows how that happened. But maybe it will reach someone, or help someone going through this. Maybe our brother will read this, and understand we love him. Growing older has taught me that everyone has something they struggle with. No one gets away with a perfect life. In life we have super highs and super lows. But most of us come out on top of our game. I'm sad because I feel Joe's life for the last 22 years has been super low, I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. He seems to be a tortured soul and that is a hard pill to swallow. 

Stuck at home with these people I live with.

So here we are Quarantined. My college student has moved back in my house. I missed him terribly. Until he came back home. He's loud, stays up all night on Xbox, and eats like he's never had a meal in his life. UGH did I really miss this???? Or did I miss the version of him in elementary school? My oldest is here now too.....with the the girlfriend since 6th grade. Thought I was almost an empty nester. Is that a real thing??? I have a full house again. At least now Hub's is not pushing me to sell my dream home. But not the fun an innocent house I moan for. Now I'm in the needy all I want is your money house. Get eggs, soup, milk, toilet paper house. Ugh hard to find right???? And toilet paper does not fall from the trees anymore. I could go on a whole toilet paper thing....who needs that much toilet paper right??????????

So let me fill you in. I honesty I feel we will be ok eventually. Hubs and I are both in strange jobs. Well not strange if the economy is in good shape we are golden. . Both are jobs depend on the economy being in good shape. It's how we pay our bills and put our kids through college. If the economy tanks we are in big trouble. We may not be able to help our kids as much as we have, It kills me . But listen we are not only stressing about that. But stressing more for the people who have jobs shutting down completely. My worry is for others. This is a big deal for single moms and people living paycheck to paycheck. So many people are going to affected from this.

On a lighter note. My hubs which I wish I took pictures of is walking around our house with a glove disinfecting every inch. I can't say anything bad or make fun of him. He's worried about me having MS. He's scared for me. But like I said on lighter moment. Aidan my youngest, was running around acting like the world is normal. God bless his heart he made TX relays it's a huge deal. Canceled as are many weddings, proms, and graduations. It not only effects him, but honesty everyone in some way. We all have things that effecting us in this time. My God jobs, weddings, vacations, seeing family, proms, graduations, It's a F'd up mess honestly. Like a bad dream but it's reality right now.

Started writing this weeks ago....Wow have things changed. Cole's car died too much money to fix....so it's worth nothing.  A BMW with 125 miles priceless. A thorn in my side...yes but there's more. Water heater went out....umm in this house seven years should still be fine. Not so much....under 50 days warrantee. good times. No hot water was kinda a bitch. Kitchen faucet springs a leak good times. Mike's truck died...needs a new battery, Well then there was Aidan who I can not say enough about. To him this is hell he made Texas relays.......a huge deal if you know about track. They take to top kids in the state to this. Canceled due to corona.  But I will say it took a lot of hard work to get there and he was beyond excited to be able to go.  But he still kept on doing everything it took not to fall behind. Not sure where he came from. Anyway to make my sad story worst. I get a call at my essential job from hubs...and hubs has little emotion usually. He's in a panic telling my Aidan is hurt. I don't usually freak out. But Hubs is usually calm is shaken. He tells me it's really bad.   His foot is sideways. They go to the nearest hospital. They put Aidan under and reset his foot. My God this kid I can't tell you how he has put his heart and soul into this sport. Pole vaulting into our pool, his bed (I have video) the backyard. I have three boys raised the same but they are very different go figure. But this one drives an hour away three times week to try and be the best. He is number four Texas. Totally bragging..LOL But now he is injured. To say he is depressed is an understatement.  Severe sprain a ton of torn ligaments. As shit show honestly. He's devastated



As much as this is affecting my family.  Everything is ruined. We all have been affected in some way. But people are dying alone. That haunts me. And the the people we lose can not be replaced. My kids don't get this..Mostly because they are young an immature. I'm trying to teach them this is no joke. They will not get it until it affects them.  I'm trying to teach them it's real.  Yes it sucks. My kids don't know anyone with this so they are not getting the staying at home thing. A true struggle. Trying to parent staying at home.


So Zoom is a thing....Friday night highlight.
Puzzles....who knew these can be fun and cause fights.....Damn puzzle hogs
game night hello
Too much time together it's a real struggle and a blessing at the time.
I miss my friends....Getting to know how important it is to see them.
Missing so much that was normal. A stay at home Hub's is for the birds BTW!


Feels like a nightmare. The "new normal" is terrible.

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40!

Lordy, Lordy, looks who's 40. This has been in my head for the last ten years! Literally. This is a picture of me at 40. I thought I was fat and looked old! It's my theory that I think we should age in reverse. Totally stealing that theory from the Benjamin button movie. I didn't have a pinch of fat, and I looked young. I didn't get it until I actually aged. Now I know what fat and old looks like. Kind of I'm not that fat...but fatter then at 40! My mom always told me if you don't like a picture of yourself now you will love it in ten years. She was right. And that was yesterday. It's Aidan's Aka Pig pens bday tonight. I posted pics of him through the years. It's been a sad day for me. Where did the years go....LOL I'm making this all about me and my issues! Get over myself right. At least I own it! Happy we have made it through the shitty years with almost no issues. Knock on wood...seriously. I don't want to count my chickens till they all hatch. Still have a year and a half to go with him. But he was my hardest in elementary school. Riddled with anxiety afraid of everything. But HS has been a breeze compared to his brothers. He's driven and such a hard worker. I'm so proud of him.

I'll never forget a few things my Mother said over the years. She told me before you know it your kids are grown and you are scratching your head where the years went. Check I'm there! Scratching is an understatement! My mother said and she may kill me that the key to happy marriage is bitting your tongue, putting out regularly,  and complement them a lot. Because us girls get the high maintenance pinned on our heads. Not the case though. Men are way more needy! She said men are simple they need food, sex, and compliments. Honestly  We get a bad wrap. Men are way more high maintenance. How many of you have a husband who thinks he's dying when he's sick. When we are sick we are driving kids to school and doing laundry. Right???? My Father said something that sticks in my head too. He said there will come a day when you look in mirror and don't recognize yourself. You will still feel young and realize your body is aging. I see that now.. No fun!

So fifty nifty, nifty fifty comes to mind.....Bullshit. Fifty fuck that... fifty how the fuck? Fifty Bullshit. Fifty fucking sucks. Fifty is great if you are Jennifer Lopez. My Dad is going to mad? He hates when I cuss... Old school I guess. I like it. But it ain't me. I love to cuss....not sure where I came from. My catholic school upbringing failed. I love God but I love to cuss. Makes me feel better. I will write something nice about my about to be 19 year Cole soon tomorrow So June is a good month for hubs. Hard to say. He turns 19 tomorrow. My Dad text me on my 50th bday.."happy 50th that's hard to say" But he was a child like 20 when he had me. He was 47 when I married. So young. Younger than me now! I love that my kids have so many great times with my parents over the years. They are my happiest memories. And my husbands mom has been there through so many good times too. His Dad got cheated and passed away young. But was there to see all my kids for a while. Also there to get me through the my first born.....oh how I cherish that. He was my rock that day. Miss that man all the time. He was one of a kind. Taught me a ton.

Anyway.... On my soapbox tonight. Life is hard, harder for some more than others. The older we get the harder it is. I was super naive in my younger years...probably longer than I should have been. The older we get we become scared from life. Disappointed in things and people. Some smart person once told me hold on to your family because they are the people who have your back no matter what. The good bad and the evil and they love you no matter what. So true, You find very few friends along the way that are just as good as your family that you can be honest and true with. I'm super blessed to have found those people in my life. And I'm really blessed I have have the best sister in the world, she will be forever my best friend.

50 years five million beers

50 years five million beers! Oh the things I have seen and done. Looks like I made it! At least to 50, which seemed so impossible and so old at age 20. But honestly it got here sooner than I thought it would. Wishing it hadn't gone so fast. Wishing for a do over. Thinking about it I don't feel 50 most days. Not that I know what it's supposed to feel like. I'm 50 for the first and last day of my life. I remember for some reason when my kids were born I calculated what their age would be when I was 50. I remember being upset that I would still have a kid in HS at age 50. Maybe because at that age 50 was OLD AS HELL! Maybe because my parents were in their 30's when I graduated HS! And I thought they were old at that time. But today I'm just happy to be celebrating my 50th Bday.

So today on my 50th I was dreaming the grim reaper was after me right before I woke up....NO JOKE. He was not only after me but my Dad, Mom, and Brother. We were at a Halloween party and people were dropping like flies. I kept running from him....hoping he wasn't getting my family. Which all oddly took place at my Grandparents house. In my dream I had no husband or kids....No clue what the hell that dream was about! I woke up feeling sad kinda of teary eyed. Again not any clue why. MAYBE because I'm 50! I don't love it! If I can be honest I'd like to be 27 again. I feel It's unfair how fast the years went. I want to go back to when my kids were babies. Those were my favorite years of my life so far. I'd hug them tight and start over. Do have regrets ....ummm yes a ton. But I'm thankful for these 50 years and everything they have come with.

I sit here tonight with an island full a fabulous gifts, from my best friends and family members. Everyone put so much thought into what I love and hit the nail on head. I'm so thankful for all these people in my life. Went to a great dinner and lunch with my friends. They make me feel special. I couldn't ask for a better 50 years! Unless you really want a list...LOL! I could ask for a few changes! I wish people I have lost over the years were still here. I wish people I have seen struggle didn't have those struggles. I wish my face wasn't melting like candle! If I had a Hollywood makeover I'd feel better. Two of my kids no longer live here. Wish we were all still here and I could freeze time. Crazy to think about.

At 50 I feel different....

I'm no longer worried who likes me....not everyone likes me and that's ok. I don't like everyone either so I shouldn't expect everyone to like me. I don't like myself all the time.  Not everyone who enjoys an apple enjoys an orange....and that's ok! I'm an orange if you care.

I'm no longer afraid to have my own opinion. I don't have to agree with people and they don't have to agree with me....We can still be friends!

I know myself.....Kinda of....The good, bad , and the evil and I own it, SOMETIMES....LOL I still like to lie to myself. My sister sets me straight a lot.

I can laugh at myself. If I have food in my teeth, if I fart, or snort it's funny!

I'm more at peace with my mistakes and tooting my horn if I do something great.

I don't give a flying F what you think of me or my kids anymore....this was a struggle for years for me. We are who we are, not perfect but we work for us. That's all that counts.

I embrace my imperfections. I'm never going to weight 110 even though I swore I would the last ten years. I'm slowly coming to terms with that. Kind of

I'm not afraid of flying as much as I used to be. I take drugs now to fly!

I take life way less serious because we are all doing the best we can.

I can totally use the excuse "I'm set in my ways"! YEP I'M AT THAT AGE NOW!

I have such a greater appreciation for life and my family and friends. They are the best part of my life.

I can laugh at others even in their face! Because I'm old!

I don't sweat the small stuff...Or I lie to myself about this

I have a good reason for forgetting things or not being able to see small print!

People expect you to be a bad dancer, a bad singer, and to go home early.

You can give good old people advise, forgive people because it doesn't really matter, and let go because you know life is short!

So to cap things off I'm 50....hard to say that. But I'm so thankful for everything. I love my family and my friends. My husband and I have been blessed with good kids, family, and friends, I probably have run on sentences and grammar mistakes in this post...But I can't see and I'm old. Cheers to five million more beers....And hopefully granddaughters some day! HAPPY BDAY TO ME!

Oh yes final note I have a belly...what that means to me is I've enjoyed beers, pizza, and burgers. In my perfect life it wouldn't put fat on my belly...But I'm living large! And oh yes, at 50 you realize a ton of people talk shit about you.....and that's ok because you to talk shit about people. Lets be honest! And how sad it would be if we were not important enough to talk shit about. We are always being judged but honestly we are are always judging too. So we should all just get over ourselves and try and support each other.....easier said then done. My next 50 years I will try and get over myself and stop judging and talking shit. Amen

And then there was one.

 So we loaded up and took Cole to college a few weeks ago. We know this is coming right? Well yes we know but we have no idea how fast this comes. Did I prepare myself? Not so much. I ignored the fact that it was coming for me. Reminds me of the Grim Reaper. Waiting for you in the dark. And all the sudden it's here! The time where you have to leave your little boy who isn't so little off on his own. All those horrible questions come to mind....Did I prepare him? Mama guilt comes to mind. Did I teach him enough? Is he strong enough to handle this? Will he listen to anything I've said?
Hopefully half. Will he fall into to pier pressure? Then I panic about my younger years...thanking God I survived. Will he be ok without me? The questions circle my brain every night as I try to sleep. And I can't sleep, most annoying. It literally can drive you to the point of insanity. Way harder than raising them. I've done this before he's my middle child. I thought it would be easier. It was actually harder. Another one gone. When the first left I held on to the fact that I have two more. Little did I know this day would be here in a blink of an eye. I miss him every day. I find it unfair that it went so fast. Cole was my kid that would watch shit TV with me. Make me laugh when we would watch housewives and he would ask me why their teeth looked liked chiclets gum and why they looked so much younger than me even though they were my age. I would  say that is what is called a Hollywood make over. And I could look like that too with plastic surgery and unlimited funds.  But He would tell me I was perfect just like myself. Ok loved him for that! Liar, lair pants on fire. This kid was the best from the time he was little. Carefree and easy. And of course there were a few WTf moments. The first two years of HS were a challenge.  We all need help in these years. But he grew up into a good man, I'm so un believably proud of him.  I honestly I got away with a few hiccups. So much better than what I did. But I will never admit that to him till later in life. Or maybe NEVER.

When I got in the car to leave him behind my heart sank. I felt sick and I could no longer hold back the tears. Ugly cry. I'm going to miss him terribly. So maybe I prepared him but I did not prepare myself. I'm a mess. The struggle is no joke. I have a pit in my stomach. My normal carefree easy going self is angry. I'm not in a good mood at all. Postpartum? Did not have that, I don't think so. I know reading about it it's a horrible thing. But I'm feeling it later in life. I told a friend I'm so depressed I think I'm having postpartum later in life. Friday night lights are so sad. 15 years of this kid playing football and now I don't know what to do with myself. I've been a football mom for 15 years! Practices, games, my social event....all gone. Who am I now? Well lol I know who I am. I have a career I'm busy at work...but damn it's not the same. I'm making this sound all about me....it's not.  I'm 100 percent sure he misses it too. I've never loved changed. It's a big change for me. This is harder on me than him.

So I read everything I could find about a child leaving. What not to do what to do. They say you did your job let them fly. Don't go home and look at all the pictures of them growing up. Did I listen? Hell no! I went home and ugly cried looking at every picture I ever took. And I took a lot. I tried to remember every moment in those pictures. So much history so many memories. UGH Trying to remember all of them. Was I a robot going through the emotions trying to get through those years. Did I take them in? Some yes, others no. I was just trying to get through it honestly at times. Then I thought my nieces are getting older too before my eyes. So I started ugly crying about them too. The struggle is real....Did I say that????

 I got home from taking him and left for work the next day.  I pulled out in front of my house. I stopped my car and looked at my house. I started ugly crying because my house is no longer the same. And never will be the same. The struggle is real. Said that 199 times right? When we moved in this house I had three boys living in it. Under my roof, safe for the most part. I loved this time in my life. I miss this time. Going to their school events. Going to their games. Having them here and their friends in the house. They drove me nuts at times.  Yes he will come home and this will always be his home. But the house will never be the same. They will never be young living here again oh shit I will never be young either. I will never be scrambling to help them with a project they told me about the night before....that I would have cussed like a sailor about. I will never be running behind to get to a field trip I dreaded to go to. Going to his games. There will never be a morning yelling like crazy when no one can find their stuff that for some reason they thought I miss placed.  Never a morning filled with Santa.  Ugh that kills me. I crazy loved Xmas. A night that they broke curfew.  That I waited up madder than a wet hen. A night after a football game where we eat shit food and go over the game. A night where we talk about what's going on in school...where my kids tell me all the bad things the other kids are doing that they are not.....LOL I didn't fall off a turnip truck! The early morning practice where I set my alarm to get them up. The skyword where I checked grades.  Those days have left this house. My house used to be noisy and full of life. Dirty and crazy. It's now quiet and clean...I used to think I would like that. I hate it.  It's lonely now. I'm bored. I used to look forward to coming to home to a house full of kids.  They ate everything in the house even the shit no one would eat. I miss that so much. I'm upset that the old people that warned me about this were right. I'm upset that I'm that I'm the old person telling everyone I know with young kids that it goes fast. I said that too. Ugh repeating myself.  I have become that older annoying person telling you shit you don't want to hear. But I'm here to tell you it goes way too fast!

Yes I have one left. But only two years...It's almost over. He already has one foot out the door. Plus he's pretty easy. I don't have to worry about curfew or last minute projects with him...KNOCK ON WOOD! I feel bad for him too. He might be worst than me. The first week I came across his homework for English. He wrote a paper about his brother. Titled "My partner in crime".  He talked about their years together. How he looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Said it's hard for him to see his brother leave. Last line was he's not only my brother but my best friend. Really cause I wasn't sad enough! It's sad for him he used to having his brothers here and he's alone too. I'm sure he's as bored as me without their drama. So we are all sad in this house. Like I said the struggle is real for all of us.

How many of you parents out there want a do over when your kids leave? I know I do. I've always told my kids I wish you could be 40 and look at your life because you would make different choices. I tell them all the time the choices you make effect the rest of your life. And they do, it's true. I wish I could have been 70 and looked at my choices. Working too much.  Not spending enough time. Getting annoyed not knowing your days are numbered. Being present more. I made my share of big mistakes. Being so stressed out about what other people thought. Who cares what other people think! Too bad I get that now!  Or where my kid ranked or how good of an athlete he was. We all get caught up in the compare game. It's a horrible place to be. In the big picture that doesn't even matter. I always tell my kids HS is four short years of life.  If kids don't like you or your not the best athlete it does not matter in the big picture. Not everyone who likes an apple likes an orange. One of my friends told me that years ago and its so true. Even though there is no reason for them not to like the orange they just don't and that's ok. I tell them there will be people you don't like sometimes for no reason. It's ok. and not everyone will like you either. If you are a good person and kind that's the most important thing. So many people have told me over the years my kids are kind to their kids that is the biggest compliment you can ever give me.  In a perfect world we could re do this crap over! A rewind button would be nice. 

I love my kids more than I ever thought possible. They are bleeding dry right now going to college. Gosh the fabulous boots I could have without college fees! The Condo I could have on lake....Would I change it?  Most days NO some days just don't ask me! Maybe I'll be rich someday when I don't have to pay for all their shit. Or maybe I will be so tired I can't see straight. I suppose there are more good times to come. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Waiting for the better times. Like when they get off my payroll. That will be a happy day. College graduations, weddings, grandkids! I will say I look forward to the grandkids time. They will finally get what I've felt and will see why I'm a nut in their minds. I look forward to feeding their kids sugar and sending them home. Payback? Hell yes!

He thinks he can fly, and he can.

 From the time this kid could talk he worried about everything. And I mean everything. I feel bad like he didn't enjoy his youth being worried all the the time. I watched him hold back on a lot of things...sleepovers, rollercoasters, and life if I can speak from the heart. He was my last and my hardest from the start. His brothers were carefree not a worry in the world. That would prove to a problem later. I wanted him to not have a worry in the world while he was young. I cried so many times over how stressed out he always was. One time his third grade teacher called me because he couldn't breath during a test. I cried on the phone with him. And he said let me tell you he is a great student no reason to cry. He told me he almost never sees a child like Aidan that cares so much that it drives them crazy. He told me to hold on because this kid will do great things when it's his time. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. It was a glimmer of hope when I was at my wits end with him. Eventually after many tearful mornings dropping him off at school he found his way.

 So he thinks he can fly...and he can. The dedication this kid pours into his sport amazes me. He literally works out everyday in our hot garage. He watches youtube videos of all the great pole vaulters. Last school year a kid stole his track shoes. He found out who it was and called him out. The shoes were returned full of the kids piss. I'm not kidding. So he took them home and I cleaned them up. While I was cleaning them I saw something. It was a date written on them. It was the date my husbands brother passed too young. I asked him why he wrote that date on his shoes. He told me he jumps for Jeff. OMG, this took me by surprise. Yes I knew he was sad about this but I had no idea it was this deep. It was a proud moment to say the least. Because the young are not always effected this way. They tend to blow these feelings off.

So he wanted to get on this club team. Because he wants to be the best he can be. I work a lot lately to put these kids through college. Ugh I enjoyed so much more being a stay at home mom. A whole other story...LOL So today on my day off..I don't get many...my decision. We drove two and a half hours to vault. We laughed all the way to this meet. Until we got pulled over..I will get that. He said "mama do you realize you yell cow every time you see one". I said "I love cows"! He says " when you pass I'm going to say you yelled cows every time you saw one and almost killed us trying to look at them". My sister can back his story. I do crazy love cows especially the babies. I should have been a farmer. Anyway we talked on the way about drugs and sex. I was putting my two sense in about is. Not pretty to say the least . Hard conversation when your kids are teens.  You need to talk about it when you can. He was rolling his eyes at me. We stopped at Buc-ees best place ever! Don't even know if I spelled it right. But I enjoyed the ride with him. Got pulled over, twenty miles over....big ticket. The guy was from Dripping. Thank God. I told him we were from Drip. Aidan said I got out of it because I'm cute......he laughed because he was lying, it's because the guy grew up in dripping.....not because I'm cute buzz kill really.  Kid can also be a BS'er.

We got there and he got grouped with the elite vaulters. So he was stressed since most were seniors. Like I said a worry wort. At first I thought he would no height. And we just drove a long way. Not because he couldn't do it but because it got in his head. But he held his own. He was in the group with all kids older than him. He did amazing coming in sixth place. Almost got 14 feet. Most of the kids he went up against have college offers. I'm so proud of him. I know this kid will do anything it takes to vault college level. He surprises me and impresses me daily.

So on our way home he was disappointed he didn't vault 14 feet. He got 13'6. He vaulted 14 at his practice. So the conversation on the way home was disappointment. But the thing that got me the most was when he said "Are you ready for this"? I said "what"? He said "Are you ready for me to be your focus and put me first in all these meets and travel with me so I can do better"? "Ugh yes I am". But what I didn't get is that I had put so much in his older brothers football that he felt left behind. Yes I'm here to watch you fly and you will. Last one we are tired but damn they matter too. I will be there to watch you fly my love!

And OMG, I ramble not writer and bad grammar it is what it is..... don't judge

They eventually leave.

Did I ever think the years would go so fast.....umm not so much. Could I imagine I would miss feeling like I could pull every hair out of my head. Or miss the fighting or the missing shoes. The driving around to school and 100 million practices and games. The grocery store nightmare trips. The endless hours of homework. Trying to google crap because I am no longer smarter than a fifth grader. Feeling like a gerbil caught in an endless wheel. Miss Christmas morning and scrambling to put the toys together. Taking care of all their needs. Putting out their clothes, backpacks, lunches, and making sure everything was ready to go. Running crap up to school because they forgot something. The endless carpool line. Picking up 100 things off the floor. Tripping over toys. The toys go away some day. It's a sad day we don't remember. The endless sleepovers that kept you up all dang night. Solving their problems and helping them grow up. The mistakes they make. Dirty clothes and endless laundry. Being needed so much for everything that you lose yourself for a while. Finding them in my bed because they had a bad dream. Going to all their games and more and more games. Gosh I'm going to miss those games. Helping with all their school parties. Trying to bring the best things for those parties. Parent teacher meetings. Talent shows, so much that it made your head spin at times. The times your are so proud and the times you want to bury your head in sand. Your so tired and worn out not enjoying these things as much as you should.  Well I'm here to tell you I miss every single bit of it. The good the bad and the evil.

I find myself wondering when was the last time I was able to carry them to bed before they got to heavy. There was a last time for that and I wish I remembered when it was. Because there becomes a time where you have those last moments with your children. The sad thing is you won't remember that day. You won't realize it's that day. You will not hold them just a little tighter because you don't know its the last time. I don't remember the last bath I gave them either. I dreaded bath time. I was tired the last thing I wanted to do was help them bathe. I probably didn't even bathe myself somedays. What you don't think about when your in the gerbil wheel is they eventually leave and it comes faster than you will ever imagine. When they do you feel lost. You want all those moments back again. As hard as it all was you miss them and those days. You miss the day that your child no longer looked like a child. You don't even remember the day that changed either. But there will come a day when the babyface and the baby fat is long gone forever. Even though it is happening before your eyes you can not pin point that day. All the sudden their voices change and they are way bigger than you. You don't recognize them. you can not believe it either.

I find as much as I'm so sad this part of my life is forever over I'm wondering what is my place in life now. You are sad they are gone and you in this time in your life is gone too. I have forever been a Mom.  At every game and every school event. What will I do with myself??? I do have my baby for two more years. My un planned baby as I call him. My little blessing.  So thankful I got him. Couldn't ask for a better kid.  Even if I was sure he was my girl. Never got that girl....and I'm such a girl mom. Can''t believe I got three boys! I'm a girly girl...I needed a girl. Better get a granddaughter.
I crazy love my boys even if everyone of them was my girl before I knew.  But as I know now the days are numbered. It will be gone in a blink of an eye. These boys who called my name 1000 times a day are grown up now. I used to yell and I mean yell if I hear MOMMMMMMMY one more time I may scratch my eyeballs out! But the Mommmmmy eventually stops. Then it goes to MOM! Another thing  you don't remember when you went from Mommy to Mom. They stop calling you Mommy someday too. Unless you are my friend Ashley who still calls her Mom Mommy. I love that BTW! What I would give to look at those baby faces calling me Mommy again. I miss those days so much. More than they get....only other Mom's get this.

Again when your kids leave you struggle with it. Struggle with what your supposed to do now. It's all you know at this point. Its hard to let go. Even if their rooms are a mess and they are testing everything in you as teenagers. Paying for your raising comes to mind. They think they know more than you and you are stupid and know nothing. They think you are crazy and ridiculous. They argue about everything to prove you wrong. But you know your right even if they don't get it yet. Maybe trying to help you let them go. NOOOO they are not that smart they are just immature and have no idea what it is to be a parent yet. They will get it someday. I'll be there sitting on their sofa laughing a tad bit when they struggle with it. I wish even for me that we could look back as an elderly person at ourselves and learn from that. If we aged in reverse we enjoy things so much more.

I can cry lately at anything. I think about my kids and my journey with them and I tear up a the drop of a hat. How did I get here so fast.  Crying in my car and on my sofa at night. Crying at every memory. Thankful I wrote in this blog years ago. I read back at it now enjoying and laughing and crying about all the stories. I would have forgotten some of those stories if I didn't blog about them. I'm so glad I wrote about it. Some day they will get to read them too. They will owe me a facelift...LOL They were honest and raw, but it was our story. The good the bad and evil as I call it. Hub's used to be so mad at my honest blog telling me I was being judged for my honesty about life and marriage. But motherhood and marriage is hard it's not all fun and games. It comes with good times and hard times. No parent is perfect and no kid is perfect! Noooo marriage is perfect either. It's so much work honestly. So worth it too.

As much as this is a downer post I know there are good times to come. I look forward to college graduations, weddings, and grandkids! There is much more to come. Even if I'm super sad my days as Mommmmmy is gone. But I can't wait to watch them in their rolls as parents someday. So like I said eventually they leave so enjoy them while they are there. I might have become that old lady telling people with young kids to enjoy it because it goes so fast.....ughhhhh I remember those people telling that thinking they were nuts! They are not nuts they were right. Eventually they leave...and things are forever changed! It's probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life so far. People it's not easy to send them off into the world. Again not a writer, I ramble it's how I
 talk and I'm noooo writer it is what it is!