Do birds have penises?????

First I need to start by saying lasts nights blog was a cluster fuck. Note to self......DO NOT BLOG WITH A BUZZ! It's a buzz kill in the morning for sure. I just sounded like a typical whiny drunk girl repeating herself. The Bachelorette messed me up. I was so broken hearted for her I decided to drink to help ease the pain. That Disney prince turned into an evil warlock. If we lived in a Disney movie kind of world I would banish him to the nasty forest. Ya know the kind that the witches seem to live in on the movies. No greenery, all black, gray, and dark. I wish I was computer savvy I would totally insert in an evil witch laugh sound.

While in Chicago I hung out most with my sister.....aka...Twisty. I call her that for a reason I swear. I have a few twisted stories to tell about her. I think my favorite was the bird story. Kelly is a huge animal lover. She works in a vets office. Pet sits, rescues half dead animals, and apparently does inappropriate things with birds! I got your attention didn't I. Oh yes totally insert an evil laugh.

So we were having our annual Kane family BBQ at my Mom and Dads. Kelly brought one of the birds over from the Vets office. We all had a great time playing with this bird. Not as good as Twisty though.  I don't even remember what we were talking about or why this subject came up. All the sudden Twisty says...."The bird humps my arm sometimes". We all kind of look at her strange. She then says..."I feel bad that it's in the cage all day so I let him". She says.."It's probably the only joy the bird gets". My Uncle Tommy....looks at her like she's nuts and says..."Kelly, that's weird". She says..."I feel bad for it though". I ask "does it ejaculate?".  Because really I had no idea a bird did that. She says "Yes, and when it does it spreads its wings really big". BLAAAA, HAAAAA,  HAAAAAAAA. I'm rolling at this point. Or maybe peeing my pants.  We all think that is weird as hell. She doesn't see a problem with this at all!!!!!!! So I keep asking questions. You can imagine how my Dad, a mild mannered Grumps who never says anything remotely inappropriate is feeling. Don't think I didn't walk around spreading my wings Kawwww, Kawwwing at her!!!!! I think at one point Grumps said..."Enough all ready".

So tonight after my cluster fuck post last night I was trying to think of something funny to blog about! This is what I got. I did "google" "Do birds have penises" right before I started to write. Most birds do not have penises.....in case your wondering. They have a lump called a cloaca. While I'm on this site Hubs walks by. He says..."Is there a reason your pulling up shit about bird penises??". I say..."Well Kelly lets this bird ejaculate on her arm". He says..."Stop right there, I have heard enough!!!!!!!". While writing this I decide I'm going to text the twisted one. It said one word...."CLOACA". My guess is right now she is "googling" it. Just got a text back from her! It says...."Cloaca...HUH?????". I text back "Kelly with one of those heart icons Cloaca". Usually she has a quicker response when I text her strange things! Maybe she is busy getting her bird on!!!!!!!!

MORE DRAMA ON THE BACHELORETTE

Starts out with the famous group date. Michael G is more concerned with Ben...aka...mayor mc cheese being on it! That's going to kill you dude! I mean really I have never heard the guy mention Dez....only the Mayor!

So they walk in and are faced with a dodge ball team. They look mean as hell. There are a few of these ballers  that if I were Dez I would have wanted to trade for a few of the cheese balls. They get their asses handed to them by the ballers. Brooks pony tail probably didn't help. 

Now they are going to "ball" each other. Mickey is cracking my ass up when he walks in. What a "baller". Brooks gets hurt right away. I think he may have been trying to adjust that pony and his finger got broke. The famous ambulance arrives. Wouldn't be a good season without one. I guess Brooks won't be doing any finger licking. 

The Blue Balls take the win. On to the night date. First up we have Brian with yet another sad, sad, story. He puts on his best sad face for Dez. He's damn cute though. Just wondering if any of them care to ask if Dez has her own sad story. I find myself imagining him with his shirt off. His sad story??? I think I missed that one. 

Chris seems to be getting a little sweaty over that nasty little single rose on the table. So he drags her on the roof top. Do you ever notice they all seem to say the same thing in their interviews season after season??? "After tonight my feeling are definitely changing" "We have a connection" Insert man creepy voice. 

OMG, could Brooks be any more dramatic walking in holding his hurt finger in the air???? This is one Disney prince I might send riding off into the sunset. 

And the roof top worked....Chris gets the rose!!!!!! They get a private concert in the park. Well not so private because the vultures are buzzing above. 

Next Kasey awaits his one on one. I bet he says.."We have a connection" after. She walks in and asks to speak with Brian...dun, dun, dun....... Your screwed dude. She's totally setting him up for disaster. In walks Chris with a girl. He parades her past the guys for added drama. This is going to be good. Girlfriend right out of the gate is giving Brian the biz natch. Girl won't let anyone else talk. She doesn't even come up for air between tears and mad faces. He tries is best to defend himself. When that's not working he says..."She throws rocks at my head". As if anyone gives a shit at this point. She says..."Yes, I do". Girl should throw one at his nut sack. And he gets the boot. I see a rock imprint right between the eyes in his future. Boo bye!!!!!

Kasey your date is starting out as a buzz kill. Now the guys are all putting their two cents in about Brian. They should be wearing judges robes. That would be amusing. Brandon takes it a tad to far in his interview. Crying about it....... really?????? That's a red flag! Dude has some issues!!!!!! 

Off to Kaseys one on one. He reminds me of a chipmunk. I don't even know why. I find myself wanting to wipe that smile off his face.  Still smiling after dancing on the side of building! Another roof top date after that. Seems to be another buzz kill coming on. It's a little windy on that roof top. But he's still smiling. So do they get off the roof??? Nope they jump in the freezing pool. Kasey goes in for the big kiss. Guess what he smiles through the whole thing. It didn't look sexy at all. He does get a rose. And yes he is smiling from ear to ear. 

Another group date! They go to a stunt ranch. They get dressed up in their best cowboy get ups. Fake fighting, lassoing, and getting time with DEZ. What more could they want. They all want time alone with DEZ or the camera. Dan's pants split. Just tells me there is a nice bubble ass under there! Jaun wins her heart and gets a badge....not a rose, a badge. As the guys point out! They get to watch a movie in some uncomfortable looking stick chair! They kiss........Looks way juicier than Kaseys. He didn't smile he kissed her passionately as Dez pointed out! I see rose colored glasses in his future. 

That evening they sit around the fire in stick chairs. Weird right???? That shit can catch on fire. Bryden steals her away. They have a pretty hot kiss too. Wonder if he can taste Juan on her lips! Something is wrong with me tonight. I can't help wanting to see him with his shirt off. 

Zak....Where is that shirtless wonder from night one????? He's so different from that first night. He seems nice. But guess what "He feels a connection" Your shocked right??? James and his sad story is  sad. His poor Dad. Hope he's alright! He didn't get a kiss but he did get a rose. Zak feels defeated by this. Wait James goes in for the big kiss too. 

Pool Party.......shrinkage. Ben steals her away in the car. I love how she never lets the guys drive it. Ben's tank top may be the stupidest thing I've seen all season. Wondering if he borrowed that from his baby Mama. Of course the guys see them pull back up. Mayor mc cheese lies to the guys about seeing her. Mikey and Michael G pony up on Ben about his lie! Because Ben totally gives a shit what they think.

Meanwhile Brandon....aka....CreepO, steals her away to tell her he is "IN LOVE" with her. He even says...."I know we barely talk". Come on.....Really?????? That song "Looking for love in all the wrong places" is playing in my head! He reminds me of one of those girls we have all known. The one who thinks their in love with anyone who looks their way. He does go in for a kiss, it is super strange looking. I see a solo limo ride in this guys future.

The rose ceremony is about to begin. Brandon says he feels more confident than ever. Oh boy, this should be good! Michael G is still talking about Ben....aka...mayor mc cheese! It's getting slightly creepy. I'd be sleeping with one eye open if I were Ben.

The ceremony is the usual room of dazed and confused dudes. Some look like they could cry. Some look like their holding in farts. Others look like they are in pain. Dan is out and is bummed. Bummed because I don't ever remember him getting a kiss or any camera time. Who is Dan???? Has he been in a corner somewhere???? Like I guessed Brandon creeped her out with that "I'm in Love with you" . So he stands there as if he is watching a UFO float around the room. He is "Blown away". He says that at least three times. Says "His heart was smashed by a hammer because he was in love". Yep it's statements like these that landed him in the solo limo. He's out of tears!!!!!!!!!!! I guess he cried too much over Brian's infidelity. Boo bye! 

The bachelorette

 The first one on one date goes to Brooks.....aka.....The Disney prince. As Dez and Brooks drive away. The guys all complain about how hard it is to watch. Because they know her so well after five minutes.

I think MR Disney Prince is charming. His voice seems a little swishy though. Makes me think he's floating on light loafers. He seems sincere and honest. He throws out his best sad story. He's a smart Disney prince. He knows a women is a sucker for a sad story. We go into "I can fix and coddle him" mode. I think I may be in love with this one. He ruins it for me a little when they interview him and he says..."I feel like I know her so well already". Come on dude, really you don't know shit.....except she's hot.

Back at the house the pack of wolves await their group date card. So the group date. These bitches are going to rap. Kasey really has a perma smile that's driving me nuts. The black guy can't dance....."Really". So disappointing. Is that even possible?????? I can't help but wonder why Brandon is pant less. Captain under pants can't rap worth a crap either. During the commercial break I "google" the rap video. It's kind of funny.

After the rap party it's off to drink with 14 hungry wolves. Alright so Zak W.....aka...shirtless spray tan junkie is surprisingly nice. He may not be the circus monkey I thought he was. The journal was a nice thoughtful gift. He is much more charming with clothes on.

Mikey T...aka...Italian stallion is chatting it up(he loves to talk) with Dez when Ben...aka...Mayor Mc Cheese intrudes. He may be cute but a little overly confident for my taste. Mean while Brandon is trying to convince the guys he's not that worried about the lonely rose on the table. Bullshit.

James looks like he should have starred on the Soprano's. He is a total Ben hater. He's more worried about hating Ben than talking to Dez. While I'm watching I'm rudely interrupted by Pig Pen. He pulls his pants down to show me an ass pimple. I tell him to go show Hubs. Ben is busy talking to Dez about his kid. That's sweet and all but please dude. Maybe you should ask her some questions about her. You can only ride that kid thing so long before it gets BORING!

Brandon looks over to see Ben and Dez kissing. It's hard for him, he never expected to feel this way. This way about what???? Hating Ben or barely knowing Dez because your too busy hating Ben????? Looks like he could cry....Please cheese ball. Mikey T.....yet another Ben hater. Decides he is going to set Ben straight. You go boy.....good luck with that!

Back at the house four wolves are left waiting for a date card. Bryden gets the date! Woo woo....Military man.

They flash back to the group date. Brandon is becoming more and more of a creepy stalker. He finally gets his time to shine. Right away he hits her with his sad story. He had to raise his family since he was 11 because his mom was a druggie. He is coming on way to strong.....total creeper.

And the rose goes to Ben...aka...Mayor mc cheese. The guys are visibly pissed off about it. I'm starting to think Ben is arrogant. That is such an unattractive trait.

Time for Brydens date. He's a little Channing Tatum like. On the date he doesn't know what brie cheese is. I don't know why but I find it cute. Side note........I really want to drive that car!!!!!! Later in the date he swoops in with his sad story. He was in an accident. He even has snap shots of it. Buzz kill Military Man.....the pics were over kill. While watching him I want to push his bangs a bit to the side. He gets the rose. I guess the picture of him banged up with his Teddy bear didn't scare her off. Well played, cough, cough!

They end up in the hot tub. It's painful to watch because he has zero game. How many different ways can he say this night's amazing. About ten boring uncomfortable ways!!!!! She knows this conversation is BORING.....So she says....."Kiss me already". At least it looked like he was a decent kisser.

Off to the Rose Ceremony. Brooks, Ben, and Bryden have their perma smiles on. Michael feels the need to share his sad story. How many sad stories can one show have????? I guess he is trying to get a sympathy rose. Ben interrupts right in the middle of his sad story. This sends the guys over the edge with no arm floaties.

The Ben hating flying monkeys are released. The Ben haters seem to be more worried about him than Dez. Lots of guy drama. But now it's time for the painfully uncomfortable rose ceremony. That Robert guy seriously looks like he's going to cry. They keep flashing on him. I have to look away.

The Black guy is gone.....I'm sad he seemed pretty normal. Even if he can't dance.

Robert should have cried cause he gets his walking papers. I love when he says...."I didn't see this coming". Really cause you sure looked like you were close to tears in there.

Nick.....Is a little shocked!!!!! He talks about being heartbroken. Please dude you never even kissed her and hardly talked to her. What I'm shocked about is what a dork he sounds like!!!!!!!

The coming attractions.......An ambulance.....I'm totally shocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I might imagine myself as the bachelorette on Monday nights.

I look forward to Monday nights during Bachelorette season. I might just imagine myself as the bachelorette. I'm weird like that.


Bryden.....Hot, military guy. Loves dogs. Nice teeth

Will....He's from Chicago...that's a plus. He does yoga another plus. He's black....I have this sudden attraction to Black men.....He's no Tay Diggs though.

Drew.....What girls doesn't love a guy with a sad story. We love to fix things especially broken men. Nice eyes too.

Nick R....Another Chicago boy. Problem is he's a magician. Do a magic trick Nick and disappear.

Zak W.....From Texas. The opening when he jumped off the cliff in black socks and a bathing suit killed it for me. His teeth are almost too white. Then they cut to the clip of him naked on his deck. What a douche bag. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robert.....From CA. He has a cute baby face for sure. He might just get my first impression rose.

Mike....Dental student from Dallas. Great teeth. When he's walking though the forest he almost looks like he could be one of the wolf boys from Twilight.

Brandon....Adrenaline junkie with Daddy issues. Another sad boy who needs to be saved. Sexy and has great teeth.

Wondering if there is any rhyme or reason why these eight got a cameo.

I love when the first limo pulls up and you hear all the owing and awing from the car.

First guy out Drew.....She seems to think he's cute. Even does a little "Ummm, Ummm, Ummm" as he walks away. I see rose colored glasses in his future for sure. His futures so bright he better wear shades.

Next up Brooks....No "Ummmm, Ummmm, Ummmm", as he walks away. My guess is The only red in his future is a red face when he's asked to leave on the first night.

Brad.....The wishbone was clever. She seems pleasantly surprised. My guess he's staying.

Brydan...No game. Brings up Sean right out of the gate. Doesn't he know that's a sore subject. My guess is he stays though.

Michael....Takes her for a walk. She laughs uncomfortably because he's a douche kind of.

Kasey.....I want to slap that shit grin right off his face. Really dude, calm down. WTF, is with the "Hashtag" comment???? Stalker!!!!!! My guess, he goes.

Will.....The token black guy. He's going, she seems annoyed by him and his not so great personality.

Mikey....Who calls themselves "Mikey". All I can think about is that 70's commercial. The one where you give what ever you don't want to eat to "Mikey" Your an adult "Mikey" time to move up to Michael. It seems the crap he is feeding her is going in one ear and out the other. It's curtains for you Mikey!!!! You will be eating your cereal alone.

Johnathan.....Hands her a note right out of the gate. She thinks it's cute till she reads it. Fantasy suite already dude????? Please the only fantasy you can count on is dry humping your pillow! My guess, it's curtains for you. She looks at him likes he's a total douche bag.

Zak W......And the biggest douche bag award of the night goes to....... Of course this spray tan junkie gets out of the car shirtless. He is the one who drinks coffee naked on his porch. We shouldn't be surprised. Please dude put your abs away. I imagine a life with him would be him walking around naked flexing in every mirror he passes. Just think when he made love to you he would probably look down and stroke his abs instead of you. Sexy...not! If I were Des I would have sent him right back in the limo. There is nothing worst than an egomaniac. She does seem almost embarrassed for him. I love the other guys reaction when he walks in the house. They all know he won't last long.

James....Right out of the car he talks about becoming her husband. Please dude, get a clue. Women like a little more of a challenge. If he doesn't go right away he will go.

Larry....Maybe he should taken dance lessons before he pulled that move. Her face says it all. Your outta here Larry.

Nick....Magic Nick.....not a magic Mike kind of guy.

Zack...Please dude your not a five year old put on your big boy shoes.

Diogo....Ok, the knight outfit???? Epic fail. Guy needs to learn how to walk in that shit before he tries to woe her in that outfit. He was walking as if he had a corn cob up his ass. Poor Des looks embarrassed for him. He is sweet though. Sexy, not so much. Her face says it all. Your out Larry. Hope you brought a horse because that's the only thing you will be riding.

Chris.....Sweet guy. Who doesn't like a guy who gets butterflies. His joke is lame though. He did get a "funny" from her as he walked away.

Mike R.....Hello Mr spray tan with really white chicklet teeth. When are guys going to get a clue that orange spray tans are not hot.

Robert.....Nice normal guy. She seems to like him. I seem to like him too. Maybe she should call me so we can chat about him.

Juan....Sexy voice. He brought chocolate. He's a keeper.

Brandan.....aka Evil Kanievel...Please! He's lucky he's cute. He got a "Cute" as he walked away.

Brian...Pleather jacket????? Come on dude...your on TV!

Micah.....Homemade outfit????? You have to be like Channing Tatum to pull that shit off. Curtains for you!!!!!

Nick M......A poem. Cheesy dude. I'm on the fence.

Dan....Smiley kind of guy with plastic like hair. Don't know what else to say except I can't help but wonder what his hair feels like.

Brody and Ben.....I'll take Brody. But damn it if his Dad isn't cute too. I love when he puts the kid in the limo and he says..."I wish I could go to the party". I hear ya Brody, "I too wish I could go to the party".

That's all  the guys!!!!!! My head is spinning. Who will she sent home first????? Now it's party time. Ya know there will be a few token drunks.

The magician is first to make an ass out of himself. Please dude if I were her I would make him disappear.  Saved by Pin striped stallion. That coin he gives her better be a magic one. Because he's a bit cheesy. It kills me when they interview him and he says..."I know what I feel inside is real". What you feel is a chubby pin stripe pony!!!!!! He thinks he just met his future wife. Please.........

Ben is a total Casanova. Has a kid never married though. May be a red flag. I could see him in the top three. He did get the first rose. That kid shit does work. Then they keep flashing on the shirtless wonder. He seems to always be flexing. Do us a favor and go stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror because your nauseating.

The knight, I almost feel bad for him. The dancing Monkey....Laugh my ass off. Please would someone give Zak W the shirt off their back. Of course he takes his pants off next. In the pool he goes. Let the shrinkage begin. I can't believe she gives capital douche a rose. What does he do???? Flexes his abs with it of course. Who doesn't like a circus monkey though. Army boy is cute and sweet. OMG, Soccer boy kills it. Sexy with a ball. The guys even come out to ogle. Shirtless wonder still making a giant ass of himself.

Butterfly boy is a little silly. He looks super nervous. Thank God she gives him a rose. Larry is worried.....He should be he's no McSteamy. He talks with his eyes closed. Johnathan...aka...Love tank please....drop the fantasy suite crap. Get a clue dude....your a creeper. Love when he says..."My mom thinks I'm good looking". Of course she does she's your mom. Then there is the "Love tank" comment. That is one love tank that is not going to the fantasy suite. He almost seems like he smoked some magic cigs. The third time he tries to take her to the fantasy suite she sends him dry humping right out the door.

It's time for the rose ceremony. Sometimes I can't even watch these. The look on their faces are pitiful. Some look like they could cry. Others look like they could pass out. The poor Knight looks pathetic. Their on the final rose...so dramatic. Cole my favorite bachelorette watching kid is mad "home made suit boy" is gone. He thought he was funny. Then Cole says..."Desiree, is not only hot but she's got a good personalty too".

The big Dipper is out. Said he practiced that dip 50 times. On what I wonder????? Magic man disappears. He thinks she made a mistake. Don't worry there's a magic pony out there somewhere for you. The Knight didn't turn out to be her Knight in shinning armor. He's lost because he opened himself up so much and gave everything in that five minutes he talked to her. He has an explosion of love to share with someone. I feel slightly sad for him.

That wraps up the first Bachelorette. She likes them handsome for sure.

Final thoughts.....Shirtless wonder needs to go.........