Do birds have penises?????

First I need to start by saying lasts nights blog was a cluster fuck. Note to self......DO NOT BLOG WITH A BUZZ! It's a buzz kill in the morning for sure. I just sounded like a typical whiny drunk girl repeating herself. The Bachelorette messed me up. I was so broken hearted for her I decided to drink to help ease the pain. That Disney prince turned into an evil warlock. If we lived in a Disney movie kind of world I would banish him to the nasty forest. Ya know the kind that the witches seem to live in on the movies. No greenery, all black, gray, and dark. I wish I was computer savvy I would totally insert in an evil witch laugh sound.

While in Chicago I hung out most with my sister.....aka...Twisty. I call her that for a reason I swear. I have a few twisted stories to tell about her. I think my favorite was the bird story. Kelly is a huge animal lover. She works in a vets office. Pet sits, rescues half dead animals, and apparently does inappropriate things with birds! I got your attention didn't I. Oh yes totally insert an evil laugh.

So we were having our annual Kane family BBQ at my Mom and Dads. Kelly brought one of the birds over from the Vets office. We all had a great time playing with this bird. Not as good as Twisty though.  I don't even remember what we were talking about or why this subject came up. All the sudden Twisty says...."The bird humps my arm sometimes". We all kind of look at her strange. She then says..."I feel bad that it's in the cage all day so I let him". She says.."It's probably the only joy the bird gets". My Uncle Tommy....looks at her like she's nuts and says..."Kelly, that's weird". She says..."I feel bad for it though". I ask "does it ejaculate?".  Because really I had no idea a bird did that. She says "Yes, and when it does it spreads its wings really big". BLAAAA, HAAAAA,  HAAAAAAAA. I'm rolling at this point. Or maybe peeing my pants.  We all think that is weird as hell. She doesn't see a problem with this at all!!!!!!! So I keep asking questions. You can imagine how my Dad, a mild mannered Grumps who never says anything remotely inappropriate is feeling. Don't think I didn't walk around spreading my wings Kawwww, Kawwwing at her!!!!! I think at one point Grumps said..."Enough all ready".

So tonight after my cluster fuck post last night I was trying to think of something funny to blog about! This is what I got. I did "google" "Do birds have penises" right before I started to write. Most birds do not have penises.....in case your wondering. They have a lump called a cloaca. While I'm on this site Hubs walks by. He says..."Is there a reason your pulling up shit about bird penises??". I say..."Well Kelly lets this bird ejaculate on her arm". He says..."Stop right there, I have heard enough!!!!!!!". While writing this I decide I'm going to text the twisted one. It said one word...."CLOACA". My guess is right now she is "googling" it. Just got a text back from her! It says...."Cloaca...HUH?????". I text back "Kelly with one of those heart icons Cloaca". Usually she has a quicker response when I text her strange things! Maybe she is busy getting her bird on!!!!!!!!

Downtown to a famous penis or ten!

On Twisty and Ella's last day we headed downtown. We even convinced the know it all teenager to go with us. He probably went because his friends were going too.
We had a large group with us. We went to see something called "The Mirazozo". You can see it here in the background. This is a luminarium sculpture. People go in it for the radiant light and color it lets in. It has traveled to 37 countries and was last in England. Let's just say it's a stoners dream house.
We get in and there is a lady waiting to give us the run down on the place. She says not once, not twice, but at least ten times that we have to behave ourselves in here. This is before there is any reason to scold us. Power trip for sure. What do we look like a pack of wolves???
It is pretty incredible in here. Not to mention hot as hell. Wishing I brought spray fan with me. We are stalked by crazy volunteer teachers. I never felt like more of a scolded child. I wonder if they were stalking everyone or just our group. We were shushed more times than I can count. I guess they did not want us to disturb all the meditating stoners there.
Alright so we might have a group that looks like a wild bunch. We probably rolled in with the biggest kid group there.
There's Twisty being her hey look at me self.
Here I am copying her move.
Aidan and thought it would be fun to get a jumping picture. We were on the look out for the overzealous teachers. Of course we get caught. She tells us no jumping. Blaa, blaa!
My friend Erin is also on the look out for overzealous teachers. She gets away with her shenanigans.
Ashley's got to get in on the action. Poor girl couldn't get her ass up before one of those stalkers came around the corner. Fun's over, no time for fun in here.
What does this look like to you????? Perhaps a birth canal???? TWINS!
I still haven't gotten over that bratty side to me. Being told I can't jump just wants me to jump every time one of them passes by. I will say in my head I'm jumping naa naa naa boo whooo! Wondering if I will ever get a hold on that bad side of me. If Hub's was smart he would leave for work in the am and say.....go back to bed, don't do a damn thing today, no laundry, no cleaning, and no cooking. He would say...especially don't clean out a closet.
This place was pretty incredible minus the dictating teachers.
Ella...aka...the golden jerk really enjoyed herself..
After that we headed out to home run pizza. Some poor guy got stuck at our picnic table. Remember we do act like a pack of wolves. If anything we were a walking, talking birth control add for this young handsome fella.
See him there in the white shirt. Sometimes I think it would be cool to be able to hear people's thoughts. Wonder if he was ever thinking anything that started with.....FUCK.
After pizza we head over to the famous Amy's ice cream. It's a low calorie day for sure. When I look at this picture I think of Katy Perry......I kissed a cow and I liked it. The taste of his milky mustache.I kissed a cow just to try it....I hope my mom won't mind it. I know what your thinking. I'm losing my mind. Yep, it's been coming for a long time.

Aidan and his friend acted like a couple of street entertainers. Every car that went by they would do a little dance. Aidan wanted a large ice cream, so did his friend. I told them to start with a small and if they wanted more I would get them another. Aidan didn't even finish his small. I have finally become smarter than him.
Oh the joy of teenagers! I know that cute little boy that used to tell me he would marry me is in there somewhere. I hope I see him again someday.


I was going through my feedjits again. Laughing at what people "google" to get to my blog. This week we had another booger eater. That seems to be the most popular "google" on my feedjit. It's always the same.....What happens if I eat a booger? You turn green and everyone knows your a booger eater. Then there was the person that "googled" famous penis. really???? Is there really a famous penis out there? I want to meet it. I wonder why this would possibly bring them to my blog. There are none of those in my house. I'm going to "google" it and see what comes up. I'm laughing right about now....google famous penis to see what comes up! Get it? Of course you do!

Alright, so I just "googled" famous penises. Right away a link for the top ten comes up. There is a top ten???? It starts out by saying without the penis there would be none of us. No shit Sherlock, glad you cleared that up for me. So number one is......The statue of David. This is the most viewed of all penises. Wonder how many people have touched that sucker. I always thought it looked disappointingly small.

Two...John Holmes....famous porn star. They said he made over 2500 adult films. Surprised that shit didn't fall off. It was 13 and half inches long. Said if he got a full erection it would take so much blood flow that he would pass out! For realz????? That's a nice thought!

Three.....John Wayne Bobbitt. How many ladies smile when they read that name???? I know I do!

Four....Rasputin.....Grigori Rasputin he was a Russian man. Women confessed they would pass out from an orgasm from him. I wonder why. They don't say why.

Five....Jesus, Really???? I hate even writing about this. They say it is famous because when he was circumcised it was the first time he bled. I have nothing funny to add to this one.

Six....Lili Elbe...This is the first documented transsexual.

Seven....Bart Simpson. His penis was made famous when he skateboarded naked in an episode. I can't believe he made this list. Who makes this list anyway and where is Tommy Lee on it. That damn penis scared the shit out of me in that video I never watched. Now that's a penis I can say I'm glad I never met!

Eight....Dirk Diggler, now were talking. I hope I never run into Mark Walburg in a dark alley, he better run.

Nine....1/2mm banned penis. I first read this and thought WTF! This is a famous children's book from Germany. It was written by Potraut Susanne Berner. It's a best seller in 13 countries. It has illustrations of people smoking and and art gallery that features a man with a penis. The US is the only country to kick up a stink and the books are unpublished here. Now that's a shocker. I can't imagine Americans getting their panties in a wad over smokers and penis in a children's book. Have they ever watched a Disney movie?????

Ten.....Juan Batista Dos Santos. This guy not only had one famous penis but it says he sported two. I puked in mouth just a bit when I read this. It says he had a huge sexual appetite. No shit, he needed to relive two of these suckers. My guess is the guy never got married though it does not say that. Can you imagine having to put out twice???? I'm exhausted thinking about this. The fact that I'm thinking it at all makes me blame feedjit! I beg to differ when people say...God created all people equal.

So I guess tonight I gave you some useless penis information!