They all finally went to bed and I continued reading 50 shades of Gray. Like I said before I like to read books that me think, the kind I can relate to. If anyone has read this it is a dark book but it is about being in love for the first time. Now don't get thinking that I had some bondage crazy crap in my past. I swear on my kids I never went down that strange road. The book makes me think of all the loves in my life.
I have had three great loves in my life. The first one came in high school. He was an amazing guy. With each of these guys I had an immediate instant attraction. With each of them I knew they were going to be something big. So the first one I was dating someone else. This happened with everyone of them. The guy I was dating took me to his friends house. Lots of his friends were there. This other guy and I hit it off immediately. It was back in the day when Madonna was huge. We were all watching MTV. Like a prayer came on and this guy and me danced and sang to it. It was all over after that. We spent every day together after that. We laughed all the time and really got each other. Jeez, we were so young though. He was such a great guy. About a year after being together he moved to Hong Kong. His Dad was a big wig with Motorola. If I remember right he had something to do with development of the first cell phone. I was heartbroken when he left. About a year later I was going to a community college. My friend Karen and I were walking through the campus when I caught eyes with a guy. It was him! He was back from Hong Kong living in his parents house with his older brother and sister. We picked up right where we left off. I will never forget during an intimate moment he grabbed my face held it tight and told me I want to marry you. He said I know your not the girl that will say yes because your the girl that wants to explore the world. I assured him that I would marry him knowing good and well that he was right. He told me never forget how we feel in this moment because there will be very little moments in life that we will feel like this. Boy I have to say he was an old soul, wise beyond his years. The funny thing is I never forgot that moment because he made me so aware of it.
We spent a few years years together. I think both our families thought we would marry. We had so many great times together. We had most of our first together. Because he was living in a house with his 20 year old brother and 22 year old sister we could get in lots of trouble together. I was a slow learner, I was not a girl who got drunk a lot in high school. I was a very naive young girl. I thought the best of people. He was by far one of the best people I ever met. We got really drunk or I should say I got really drunk for the first time with him. I had drove my car over to his house. We went to party where there was this watermelon soaked in vodka. I know now that I was too young to handle to it. I think I left the party fighting with him for what I don't know. After we left I puked in the bushes. I puked in a cup all the way home. I puked when we got back to his parent less house. I remember him giving me crackers and water. He called my dad because he knew I could not drive home like this. I remember being scared shit less. This was the first time we spent the night together. No juicy details since I drank myself into a not so sexy state. The next day I feared going home. My parents were surprisingly understanding. They were really happy with him for making that call. I think they will always respect him for that. He always had my best interest at hand. I did get a lecture from my mom about alcoholism running in my family. I was young and dumb though. In one ear out the other for sure.
Next came "the devil" as I will call him. The first was right. I needed to explore the world. I met the next when I was dating the first. He literally took my breath away. He was like a God that no one could get close too. I was going to break him. He was by far the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. He had an awful reputation. I was going to change that and get the guy. This is really where the book hits home for me. I was about the age of the girl in the book. I was super naive....aka stupid. I dumped the first because this guy stopped me in my tracts. Oh boy if the forty something year old in me could have ringed my neck back to thinking like a normal person. I went after him like a crazy person. I was going to fix him and all his issues. At first he liked me but refused to stop dating other people. I did my best to be everything he could ever want. I did things I was not comfortable with to get his attention. I finally got the guy. The funny thing is....at first he did not want to be kissed. Red flag...hello!!!! I did everything to morph into the perfect girl for him. The only positive thing I remember about this relationship is.....he did not tell me he loved me for almost a year. I really believed he meant what he said when he said it. The sad thing was him and I had a different belief in what love was. He was like a drug for me. I couldn't get enough of him. I loved him harder than I believe anyone ever did. He had a troubled past. Lots of Daddy issues. His dad had abandoned his mother and him at a young age. I got really close with his mom. She knew he was messed up and hoped for the best for us. I never truly trusted our relationship. The naive part of me wanted to believe the best in him.
For a while I thought I had got through to him. We moved in to together and I thought we were doing great. He kissed me even though at first he hated to kiss. He told me he loved me every day even though at first he said he could not love. He opened up to me about all the awful feelings he had about his father leaving him and his mom. I thought I had really got through to him. We were young at the time. He at the time was in an no end job as a bouncer at a bar. I would go up and see him at night. I noticed this blonde that seemed to be taken by him. Let me tell you there is something to going with your gut. I bugged the phones in our house and on the first day realized he was sleeping her. I was shattered. I was dumb, the signs were all there right from the start. I let a really good guy go for this. Karma???? Maybe! This was my first true heartbreak, the one that broke me to a million little pieces! Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss! The lies I heard him tell her about me killed my spirit. I would never do this to someone! I could really write a book about all the awful things that happened with him. Omg, my new car could be a lifetime movie. Lets just say the day I got my first real new car with no help. I gave it to him while I was at work. He was supposed to pick me up from work in my new car. I got off work and stood out in the freezing snow waiting for over an hour. He finally showed up with some lame excuse of a friend in need. Turns out he did the unthinkable in my car while I waited with that awful blonde. Talk about being broken. He changed me that day. You may think I'm being a drama queen but this man changed me into someone I did not know for a long time. He took my heart that I gave to him recklessly and stomped on it. He was so beautiful that my family members still talk about him. Funny thing is neither one of these first loves are on Facebook. I would love to know what happened to them. I only can hope that my kids never come across a devil in their lifetime.
After the "devil" broke my heart. I had a friend that was moving to Texas. I wanted to get away. Lots of friends had known this "devil" was cheating on me and decided to keep it to themselves. I kind of felt like the town joke. I don't like to get involved in people relationships. But for God sakes if someone was doing that I would have spoke up! I felt like a fool for sure. I decided to go to Texas to go to design school. I was not here long when I met Eric. Eric was a rich older man and beautiful. I told him about my heartbreak. He assured me that he had felt the same way and would never do that to anyone. We had lots of fun together. He was way older, my first red flag should have been he would host parties with way younger people than him. At one party Hub's was there. We talked a little, there were already red flags with Eric. We talked but I was still into Eric. I was waiting tables at the time while going to school. One night when I was waiting tables we were slow. They let me off early. I headed right over to Eric's house. He had an amazing house BTW! I rang the doorbell hoping I would be a great surprise. He answered covered in baby oil. The look on his face was shock. I asked to come in. As he said I couldn't I could see a purse next to his stairs. Maybe the fact the he was covered in baby oil should have been a clue. I still believe what people say at this point. Once again heartbroken I wonder why people don't tell you the truth. I found myself broken once again. I wonder why he bullshitted me. Don't tell me I'm the only if I'm not! It's just not fair!
After that I kept running in to Hub's everywhere. I had a strange connection with. When we looked at each other it's like time stopped. Been with him half my life now....three kids later!!!!!! I guess things happen for a reason. I hope like hell my kids don't feel heartbreak like this in their time. I'm sad now because my oldest son has had some issues in middle school lately. He has hung out with the same group for several years. Two of the main leaders have turned against him recently. They are making fun of him and making middle school awful for him. I remember this stuff in middle school. I had a group I was in and someone was always on the outs in it. I remember when one person was cut from the group. I secretly talked to her because I felt so bad. I wish we could age in reverse because I would have told the other girls to get a life and get over themselves! I know we all have to go through this stuff in life. It hurts me to see my kid go through it. There is a relay for life thing tonight. My kid raised his 100 dollars to walk in it. It goes from 6pm to 6am. Today he told me he didn't want to walk. I told him he raised his money and he should. I get a text from him that read....Everyone hates me mom, I don't know why. They all of the sudden make fun of me. The way I look, the clothes I wear, the people I talk too. I don't know what I did. I don't want to deal with this. OMG, my heart broke when I read this, don't think I didn't want to go up to relay for life and slap some kids. I think it chaps my ass because we are and have always been "the house". I have had these kids here every weekend, feed them. driven then, talked to them, and have treated them like family. One of these kids had the nerve to say...Blake your mom is like a mom to me and I still love her. REALLY......you mess with my kid and your toast to me!!!!!!!! This all happened over a girl. Now don't get me wrong if my kid made an asshole move I would get it. I'm not the mom that thinks my kid does no wrong, but this case he really didn't, it is all over a girl everyone seems to like that he refuses to stop talking to. Venting...hell yeah!!!!!! I know there is bad spelling and bad writing but I'm madder than a wet rooster now and have no time to proof read!!!!!! I do think it's sad that I really want to fight with middle school kids at this moment. I just hate seeing my kid hurt.
I think when were parents we want a perfect life for our kids. We want them to have straight A's with no struggle, have perfect friends that never hurt them, and make all the right decisions, the kind that their 40 year old self would make!!!!!! Is that so much to ask for??????
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