Just another week in Mommy Hell.

Last Wednesday I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my front door. I pop up and realize I have over slept. I think it's the two little guys ride to school. Not so much, totally slept through that one. It is my neighbor who I'm supposed to give a ride to the bus stop. So I let him in. He must think I'm the craziest person on the planet. I not only look rode hard and put away wet but I'm screaming and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Thank God he was a few minutes early. This gives Blake five minutes to get dressed and brush his teeth. Not my finest moment. I get them to the bus stop. I run upstairs to get dumb and dumber out of bed. I see that Aidan had stole my cell phone the night before. This is why I over slept, I had the alarm set on it. It was going off but it was under his pillow drowning out the sound of the alarm. I wake them up so I can take them to school with my tail between my legs. They tell me they have sore throats. This is not far fetched because I went to bed the night before with an awful sore throat. I believe them forgetting that I told them to leave me alone last night because my throat hurt. I'm secretly glad I do not have to face the school secretary and tell her I overslept.

I have a hair appointment at noon. I set them up on the couch with a movie and a cell phone. I call my neighbor to make sure he is home in case they need something while I'm gone. I head out to get my hair done. While in the chair with my hair half done in foils I start to have a mother of all mother panic attacks. I can't control it and my mind has taken off and run with it. I think I'm going to have to tell the hairdresser that I need to go. I try to talk myself down. I'm sweating, my heart is racing, my skin is crawling, the room feels sideways, and I feel as if I could pass out or throw up. I keep moving around. The girl says....did you have a lot of caffeine before you came, you seem jumpy today. I say.....Yes. I don't want to tell her that I'm about to jump out of my skin and I feel I may die in the chair. I keep trying to talk myself off the ledge, I'm seriously on the verge of tears at this point. I feel like I'm about to crack. I make deals with God in my head. I think this is it....I'm making a doctors appointment when I get home. I power through the foils. I feel like my mind is the enemy....it just won't stop! After I get the foils out I feel alittle better. I can make an excuse to leave with wet hair. The color is done. I really like the way she styles it so I power through the rest. I leave with great hair, but I cry all the way home.

I get home the house is a mess, Thank God Hub's is out of town. I yell at the kids to pick up. They want to make cupcakes. This is something I do when they are sick to make them feel better. I starting to think by the state of the house that they are not sick at all. I want to do the cupcakes to get my mind off the panic. Aidan always wants to help cook. His wife can thank me later. So Aidan and I are getting all the stuff ready to bake. He is putting ingredients in the bowl. Cole comes around the corner with a Santa cap and a cape on. He says, in his most dramatic voice.......Super boy would like to bake too. I don't know why but this cracks my ass up. I find myself laughing uncontrollably. Not for long though the fighting soon follows.

So now they are arguing about who is going to do what. All I keep hearing is......MOMMMMMMMM. I want to cry again. I could be home alone but I believed the fake sick story. Cole can't keep his fingers out of the bowl. Aidan is like.....MOMMMMMM, piggy boy won't stop eating the batter and he is going to get salmonella. He picked this salmonella thing up from my mom...aka...positive Patty this summer. We finally get through all the steps and get the cupcakes in the oven. Of course they want me to make homemade frosting. Note to all you young moms out there....be careful when starting family traditions, like homemade frosting, they will haunt you forever! It's all fun and games at first, you feel like super mom! It gets old fast, trust me.

The next day the kids walk over to my work after school. The nice thing is I work right across the street from their school. Well was nice I got let go this week because they no longer need me. Sadly I'm going to miss this very convenient job. So they walk over and they want to play with their friends. I tell them they are grounded for faking an illness yesterday. Cole takes the grounding news well. Aidan morphs into a two year old and has a full blown tantrum in my model home. He is throwing himself on the ground crying and whining. I'm trying to read the Marcia Brady biography which is surprisingly interesting. He won't stop. I start to get mad. I pull out a calender that they give to customers. I tell Aidan to look at the date. He does. I tell him every time he complains or whines I'm going to make a check mark on another day he is grounded. We are now up to three days checked and something goes terribly wrong. It's almost like he hit an angry nerve in me. I'm now screaming at him, screaming like everything that ever made me mad is coming out. I look at him and he looks like a deer in headlights. He knows he has crossed the line. He goes away for a bit. I sit in a chair crying with my hands over my face. I wish there was a rewind button for life. If there was I would rewind and start over with all of my kids. All I can think is ...I have done something wrong with raising them and I want to start over. He comes back around the corner and says...Mommy I love you and I am sorry. I say I'm sorry for yelling and grounding you hurts me more than it hurts you. Don't get me wrong, not because I feel bad about grounding him. It is because I have to listen to him complain about it for the next three days. Wonder if that's what my parents were thinking when they said that saying I said I would never use.

The next day Hub's shows up at my work. He has Cole and Aidan with him. He says....check out your sons new haircut. I love how he is my son when something is wrong. Hello.....I could not have had him without you! So I look at Cole and he pretty much has a bald spot in the center of his head. His big brother just got a buzz cut days before this. My guess would be he is trying to look like him. Even though he denies this. He says...he just wanted to see what it would look like. Well let me tell you it looks like shit! Of course he has football pictures in the am.

I decide I'm going to make him keep this new do. He is going to go to football and school and explain why he looks like an old man with a receding hair line. I'm pretty much fed the "F" up with these people at this point. He tries to tell me he is cool with this and thinks it's funny. I'm not laughing. He also asks me everyday if I can take him to the hairdresser to fix this. I'm not budging on this one!

So here he is the next day at football with his new do! Kid owes me his first million for sure! We will chalk it up to punitive damages.

My friend from Houston came in this weekend with her new puppy. A puppy she got not thinking about the fact that she travels too much. Plus the new pup is driving her older dog crazy. My kids and I crazy love this pup and want to take her off her hands. Big bad Hub's is having no part of this. This causes not one but several fights between us. I'll chalk it up to we all live in Michael's world and we have no say!

I really want this puppy. It's like a damn beanie baby how much damage can it do. I think in my next life I want to come back single, kid less, on a ranch with lots of dogs!

Everyone wants the dog but Hub's! I don't know why but he wins. I usually win but I must not be up on my game.


So I make that doctors appointment against my better judgement. I'm the total ignorance is bliss kind of girl. I feel the less you know the better off you are. I find a new doctor who is a one stop shop. She can do my well exam plus a pap. Now I haven't had a pap in a good three years. I don't like doctors for some reason. What I hate is they send you in with a nurse a first. The nurse asks you all the questions that the doctor asks you after you wait forever. So the nurse is like what's going on. I tell her I'm fatigued, My having hot flashes which is probably because I have MS, I tell her I'm having a hard time sleeping, I have anxiety, maybe depression, forgetfulness, mood swings, muscle pain which is probably MS, can't get rid of muffin top even though I'm working out for the first time ever, and awful panic attacks. She says she is going to get my weight and blood pressure. I start to panic being the ignorance is bliss girl. I get on the scale. Not as bad as I thought but still ten pounds heavier than I would like. Then there is blood pressure mine is always high when I see a doctor. Because I told her about anxiety she comes in with a questionnaire. It makes me laugh kind of. I answer yes for most. There is a part about alcohol, it asks if you ever drive drunk. Now I have in my younger years but I would never now! I wonder if someone does this do they really answer yes?????

Anyway they put me in another room to wait for the doctor. She tells me to get undressed from the waist down and remove my bra. I feel the fear of total violation set in. So there I sit bottom less and bra less waiting for the doctor. I wait and wait and then I hear the nurse giving the doctor a background on my craziness. Now I find myself pant less with my ear against the door trying to hear what they are saying. I hear nothing after a while so I jump back up on the table. There is knock at the door and the doctor walks in. So here it sit with no pants with the piece of paper they give you to cover privates. The doctor sits in a chair right in front of me and asks what is going on. Now I just went over all this with the nurse and heard them go over all this right outside the door. So I re tell my sad tale. Really on the verge of tears which is how I have been for months. She checks everything my heart, my lungs, and then calls the nurse in to do the pap with her. As soon as she does the pap she says.....Oh...how old are you? I say 41. She says....I really never see this at your age but you are in menopause. For fucks sake! I'm supposed to be in my prime.....are you kidding me???? I've been cheated! Did I miss my prime???? WTF, is this! After this everything is blur. I know she felt my tummy and said I had sist on my ovaries......Later I thought what if those are tumors!

We go over some more stuff. Like I need a colonoscopy, and a brain scan, some blood work, I need to see a balance specialist, and she suggest acupuncture might help. My head is seriously spinning. Why can't I just be Happy, healthy, and wealthy! Doesn't the UNIVERSE listen to anything I say????????? I did not say I would like to oppt out of my prime for Mental pause!

The next day I go to work. I can't help "googling" menapause....aka...mental pause. The first thing I read is premature menopause only affects 1% of women. 1% percent????? If I was going to be in 1% for something can't it be the lotto. Then there is a list of symptoms related to mental pause. Night sweats......yep had those. Hot flashes.....check! Insomnia......for sure. Headache....thought that was a side affect of living with these people. Muscle pain...yep, hard to know if that is from MS or mental pause. Here's one of my favorites. BODY SHAPE CHANGES AROUND THE ABDOMEN. Well hello that explains a lot! I was starting to wonder why working out was not doing shit! I get it now fucking mental pause! At least I have something to blame it on. Anxiety, depression, cravings, forgetfulness, fatigue, and mood swings!!!!!! This explains a lot! I feel better about that crying fit I had in my closet the other day....I was not going crazy....it is fucking mental pause! Next it says 90% of the 1% of women in early mental pause have move severe symptoms!!!!!GREAT! They also say it last eight years......eight years!!!!! I'm not a "Why me" kind of girl, wait scratch that girl, I mean old ass in mental pause! But today I am a "why me" kind of old ass in mental pause!

My friend with the pup texts me a picture of the pup I love. Things like this can send me over the edge now. I could cry over a picture. Fucking mental pause! I forward the pup pic to Hub's. I text him.......Can I have her as a mental pause gift....PLEASE! He text back.......Menopause gift??? Are you dry humping me???? I text back....Did you have to use the word dry hump....you insensitive ass! Then I text back......you make me more sad! Mean while Kelly....aka...Twisty shoots me a text. I text her the pic of the pup and say...Mental pause gift! She text back....yes...use that! I text her back about the 1% thing. She text back....You know it's Menopause not Mental pause right???? I text back.....Yes you asshole! I not mental I'm just in fucking mental pause! I hope after they get all my blood work back they can regulate all this for me. If not my kids are going to need therapy in their future...I will ruin them for sure!

I still can't get that prime thing out of my head!!!! Did I miss mine because I was too busy raising these people???? Did it skip me???? Can you be in your prime and mental pause at the same time?????? I can see how that would play out. I would come in the room and say....I'm feeling a little frisky. Then I would say....wait is it hot in here????? We would move to the bed and I would get a fucking muscle cramp. I will have to say....can you be a dear and rub that muscle cramp instead! That would pass, he will throw my legs up in the air and my muffin top will flap over and lay under my boobs. I will start to cry uncontrollably. He will say he doesn't care. I will say....I have a headache, I'm craving some chocolate, I forgot what got me in the mood, and I'm just plain depressed! Then I will go to the bathroom and throw up!!! I will come out of the bathroom naked with full on muffin top my head will be spinning and green stuff will be flying out of my mouth. Sounds SEXY, right???? Prime time, baby! Too tired to proof read because I'm in mental pause!

Football season and TX rain!

Friday night we headed out for some good old Tiger football. With Blake being in middle school Aidan knows all the middle school girls. Him and his friend walk around the game. The girls keep hugging him as he walks by. This goes straight to his head and he becomes that most annoying bragger. One of the girls even asked if he would be her boyfriend. Now he thinks he is going with her. Laugh my ass off for sure.

Some how after the game I end up with eight middle school boys at my house for a sleep over. We rock out to rap music blasting so loud my ears hurt on the way home. Is it sad that I can sing any rap song on the radio? They have visions of toilet papering, ding dong ditching, and staying up all night in their heads. I only have one vision in my head. Me, myself, and I in a padded cell with my name over the door. I've lost my mind once again. I can't even blame it on the alcohol, because there was none. Even though I complain I do like to be the house. I think this is such an important age to be one up on them. They talk to me and open up about stuff. I listen as if it the most important thing in the world. Sometimes I roll my eyes when they are not looking. Sometimes I think....OMG, that's crazy in my head. This is because I have been there and done it all. But all and all this silly stuff is important to them right now so it has to be important to me. Unfortunately in my old age I have come to the realization that most people are disappointing. I'm not throwing stones or anything I have done my fair share of disappointing people too. I slept on the sofa that night. I'm a light sleeper so I figured I would catch them if they tried to sneak out. The sad thing is I don't even think they would be scared of me if I caught them. I was scared shit less the few times I snuck out. I got greeted a few times by mad Grumps in his tighty whities.

It rained for the first time in months on Saturday. The boys headed to the backyard for some mud football. The bad thing is I had spent the morning cleaning all the floors in the house. The beautiful clean floors latest all of an hour. But who's mad not me.....haha can you smell the BS?

Well aren't they a muddy mess. All I can think is it sure would be fun to be a kid again. They don't know how good they have it. One by one they went away and I settled in for some lifetime TV. I love to cry to a good lifetime movie. Later in the day I had to take Aidan to a soccer game that he played in the rain. I watched from the car. No need to get my perfect hair wet. He made four out of the six goals his team got. He again becomes that most annoying bragger. This time he is a most annoying dirty as shit bragger. I'm still trying to get his uniform clean. I had to work some this weekend too. That is for the birds is all I have to say on that.

Football season has started at the middle school. Since I am the official football photographer for boosters I'm up there a lot taking shots of these kids. It still cracks my ass up when I see the guys in their football uniforms with their cowboy boots. Remember I'm from Chicago I never saw anything like this. Because I am the photographer I have a zillion friend request on facebook from the middle school kids. I don't want to hurt anyone feelings so I friend them all. Big mistake! For one I sometimes like to be a little off color on facebook. I have lost a few adult friends due to my inappropriate behavior on there. I just think lighten up people life is short we need to act inappropriate and laugh at ourselves. Facebook shit taking can be an escape from our every day proper lives. Now I have to act like a Mom. No more shit talking. Two, they are shitting up my news feed. All I see is this BS game they play. They write to each other....have I ever told you. Then they write something they are thinking about this person. What I think is thank God at our age we are not playing this silly game. A few beers and it could get a tad bit ugly.

Today I was on the computer editing all the football pics I have taken for boosters. The computer was going slow. I didn't know any of these people I live with were around. I'm talking to myself out loud as I do often. Hello padded cell my name is Kerry. I might have slipped out the "F" word, oh yes I did slip out the "F" word. Aidan comes from around the corner and says....I'm going to write that in my notebook. I look at him and say.....what notebook and what are you going to write???? He tells me he has a notebook in school where the teacher tells them to write down stories about their family. He then tells me he is going to write about his mom dropping "F" bombs while on the computer. I look at him with my most evil mom stink eye and say....you better never air the dirty laundry in this notebook. I then ask him what he has written about me in this notebook. I'm thinking he is writing about me farting and saying bad things, yelling, yata, yata, yata. He tells me that he wrote I was a good cook even though he hates everything I cook. I say that makes no sense if you don't like what I cook how am I a good cook. He tells me he hears it from other people. Now I visions of myself breaking into the school in a ski mask to steal this awful notebook. God and his teacher only know what he is writing about it. If CPS shows up at my door I know why.
So every night I rub the two little guys backs before they go to bed. Cole says....Mom, I never cuss out loud but sometimes I cuss in my head is that ok? I'm thinking .....shit I cuss in my head non stop and a lot of times out loud. I tell him...that is alright and I'm very proud of him for not cussing out loud. I ask him what he is cussing about in his head. He tells me he cusses in his head every time the girl he has liked since the first grade likes someone else. I think I have done a lot of cussing back in my day about the same kind of stuff. Even though I ran with the popular crowd in my day I was never really the one all the boys liked. I was scrawny for sure...a late bloomer to say the least. So back to Cole...I tell him as long as you are a polite gentleman this girl or maybe lots of other girls will notice that. He takes my good advise because he is not at the awful teenage years where he thinks I know nothing.

What I love about facebook is sometimes you come across good info that someone has posted. My friend Tracy put up a link about skin care. It said we should take a break from all our expensive skin care and drown our faces in Moroccan oils. I happen to have this Moroccan oil for my hair. It cost only eight bucks. So I get ready for some shit TV and put this Moroccan oil all over my face. At first my face is super shiny from it. Not five minutes later my face becomes a sponge and sucks that shit up. Now I am obsessively putting this oil on. Every time it sucks it up. I did get a very big zit from doing this. I couldn't leave it alone. Now it looks like a giant sore on my face! Damn it why didn't I inherit my mom's perfect skin?????

Last but not least the Emmy's were on tonight. I did not get to watch them since every TV in my house had football on it. It kind of sucks sometimes being the only girl in this male driven house. Anyway Kyle Chandler my all time favorite celebrity crush who happens to live in my home town won an Emmy. I crazy love him...he is my get out of jail free card for sure. Though when I was face to face with him I froze. I have no game. Everyone here knows I love him. Even Hub's! All my friends run into him everywhere. They all use me as an excuse to get a picture with him. They all say the same thing....I have this friend who crazy loves you can I get a picture with you to torture her. I have gotten at least five pics sent to me. Sad thing is they crazy love him too, they are just using me. So since football ruled my TV my sister in law texted me first about his win. Then my mom called me about his win. The only thing I'm thinking is did he thank me for being his biggest fan????? So things have settled down and I am watching DVRed Emmy's.I hate to say I am am crying but I am some of these speeches kill me. Kyle did not fail to deliver a flawless speech, damn he looked good too. He forgot to thank me but that's alright. So sorry for bad grammar and miss spellings once again to tired to proof read!

I have offically lost my mind!

So even though Blake has had two boy girl parties since starting middle school I throw him yet another. Every time I do this I say it is the last time! I always cave when he asks me for another. I'm a sucker for sure. This caused a little argument between Hub's and I. When I broke the news to him he whined and complained like a baby. He throw it in my face that I said I would never do this again. I tell him never, whatever! Hub's hates parties at our house but hates the mess even more. Remember he is anal boy. He is always cleaning behind everyone instead of enjoying himself. I tell Blake he can have kids over from 7-12. They start to show one by one and ten by five. Aidan...aka...the informer tells me that one showed up with a duffel bag full of toilet paper. Got to love an informer. I told Blake he could have a few of the guys spend the night. I guess they thought they were going toilet papering. I'm a night owl by nature so no worries here. I will out last them so they will never get out the door on my watch. Or maybe I will get a wild hair up my ass and do it with them. Well not so much....I don't want my perfect name to become shit in my hood.

I try to take pictures but these kids are at the age where they cover their faces! Better show those faces now. Before you know it they will be filled with sun damage, wrinkles, and bags under the eyes! Sometimes now when I see a picture of myself I think that can't be me.

So the party starts out pretty lame. I'm a little scared. I think to myself we are only thirty minutes into this and I'm counting tiles in the kitchen. What are these kids thinking???? The UT game is on so we have the boys watching it. The girls are pretty much twirling their thumbs, as am I. Am I going to have to get out my great dance moves to get this party started???? Ya know, the sprinkler, Michael Jackson, the running man, etc, etc. Blake would just die.

Some time goes by and the boys are outside. The girls are peeking through the shutters spying on them. If I recall when I was in the eight grade we were playing spin the bottle. Glad they have not figured spin the bottle out yet. The modern version would probably be spin the cell phone and they would sext the person it lands on. This is one generation I do not get. At least half the kids spent a good part of the night texting.

So I get ten pizzas from little Caesar! Love that you can get ten pizzas for 50 bucks. Little plug for one of my BFF's who owns the little Caesar in the area. There was a time or ten that I had to tell Blake to put more appropriate music on. It's hard to find appropriate music these days. At one point I have to tell Blake to change the music for the 500th time. He is sitting on the back porch with everyone. He says....Mom everyone here listens to this kind of music. Then he looks at his friends and says.....if any of you are not allowed to listen to this raise your hand. Of course no one raises their hand. What poor smuck is going to raise his hand and say....Um I'm not allowed to listen to this. After no raises their hand Blake looks at me and says...SEE. I am secretly happy that there may be a few Moms I know in Mommy Hell with me. I tell him I did not fall off a turnip truck yesterday. I ask him again to change the music. So he does for a while.

Wow, after taking this picture I think what age is that awkward stage??? Did it skip this generation??? Are we making perfectly beautiful children now??? There is definitely something in our milk. Seems slightly unfair. The thing that cracks me up is Blake has invited way more girls than boys to this party. Should I be scared????? Of course I should.

A Cavender party always has all the bells and whistles. I get sweets, more sweets than the kids can eat. I get sodas more than they can get a sip out of and leave behind. I get pizza.....Little Caesar...Rocks! Hello second plug...I might need an advertising fee.

So here is one of my favorite moms with the girl I would trade any of these people I live with for. I may have a pre-arrange marriage for one of my sons with her. I love the parents and it will be all good in my hood. Cole...aka...drama has liked her since we moved here in 2006. I love that I have raised at least one to be loyal to the one you love. He never changes his mind about her. So she does not feel the same yet but she seems to be coming around. Thank God my friend Erin was here to help me with these kids. She caught a few trying to walk down the street to the park. Nothing gets past us. We are like Super hero Mom's. We know all, we see all, and we stop all shenanigans before they start. At least the ones we are not involved in.

So as the party progresses the boys are in the yard playing football. At least the girls have now gone outside to watch. At one point I go out on the porch and pull out my best dance moves. I think I'll get these kids dancing. No one even looks my way so I put my tail between my legs and go in. Later in the night one of Blake's friends does teach me a new dance. So I watched and I tucked it away in my super fun party dance moves vault. I can't wait till the next party to pull out this party trick. Don't think I won't be practicing it a mirror till then.

The girls end up taking over the football game to hit a volley ball back and forth to each other. The little one in the background is Aidan...aka...the informer. The middle school girls crazy love him. He is no dummy he is always right there with them. Probably taking in things that will make my name shit later in life.

Here he is again with all the girls! I just wonder why aren't the middle school boys here???? Aidan might just be the smartest one for sure. Maybe Blake needs a lesson or two from the baby.

They end up playing a game that is pretty much let rover come over....this is a game from my age. Love to see that this is still on the map.

As much as I worried the party ended up fun.

I at one point put my vamp an his arch enemy in my bedroom window to freak the kids out. My friend Erin was a total accomplice to this shenanigan. I like that about her. Very disappointed that no one ever said anything about them. These kids are no fun! When I put it in the window for Cole's party all the kids were screaming.

Aidan always manages to worm his way into the center of the action.

The girls bring some clever gifts. Blake is a trooper and tries on all the crazy things.

I will take any of these girls for Blake in HS. I will never tell him that though. He already seems to fall into the typical teenager way of thinking. He says and does opposite of what I want.

Guy group shot. Check out Aidan's pose and face. Who does he think he is???? I mean Really!

My pet peeve is when kids take drinks out of my fridge take one sip and leave it. I remember being a kid and this very same thing would drive my Grandpa crazy. I used to think he was so crabby about it. I get it now and I am crabby about it. Being the evil genius that I am. I come up with a fabulous idea. I go around picking up all the dead soldiers and marry them together in my big ass glass drink dispenser. At the end of the night I'm going to tell the kids I made a awesome punch and give them each a glass. After they take a big sip I will tell them what they just drank.....HAAAAA, HAAAAAA, HA, HA!

Well I survived another teenage girl boy party. This is Blake's last one for sure. I mean it this time. The biggest complaint I want to file on this party is when they all took bottled waters from my fridge and dumped them on each other. To the tune of two cases. I went out ready to show my three heads. Hub's stops me and says....A case of water is only four dollars so let it go. This coming from the man who hates when I throw these parties. I have a hard time letting things go. I imagine myself getting the hose and spraying them all down. I will be there hose in hand with my three heads. One head will yell.....You want to get wet huh?????? The other head will yell...Take this as I spray the shit out of them one by one. The third head will yell......Where ya all going as they all run away screaming. Then I will let out the most Evil laugh they have ever heard. I will no longer be the house.

The party wouldn't be complete until our crabby ass neighbor calls the police on us. There he goes again wasting the tax payers money. I didn't call the police on him when he yelled Puck You to me not once but twice last week. This was really for no reason. I was just getting a towel out of the yard. I ignored him even though every part of me wanted to yell something back. I would blog about what I wanted to yell but even I who has no filter would not feel comfortable writing it down. Ya know I'm thinking really bad thoughts now!~So they came shot the shit with us, saw we were doing no wrong and left. I hope he was watching that from his blinds like he usually is.

I found a big ass package of toilet paper stuffed in my bushes the next day. I guess they passed out before I did. If I had thought about it I should have toilet papered my own house. I could have woke up in the morning and yelled at the boys. I would say....get your butts up someone toilet papered the house. I would make them clean it all up and I would sit back laugh and reminisce about how much fun I had doing it the night before. I think I like this new evil genius tag my sister gave me. I'm kind of taking it and running with it. Maybe I should have taken that awful "barbie" name she tagged me with before and run with it. I could have plastic shot in face then. Once again too tired to proof read. It is what it is.

The Golden Jerk comes to Austin

Gosh, I am behind on this blogging shit. This is a picture from the first day of school. I posted it on facebook and my Sister...aka...Twisty calls laughing at me. She says.....So I saw the picture you posted on facebook of the kids first day of school. I wish you could hear the sound of her voice. Whenever she is about to slam me or make fun of me her voice changes. It's like she has a special voice for being a smart ass. A lot of times she starts her statement out with a long drawn out SOOOOOOOO. I always know I'm about to get hit with something. She has a very flat voice almost like her Midwestern accent is on steroids. She almost reminds me of a toad. I say....wasn't that picture cute. She says........You could have combed their hair, it was the first day. I say....don't worry you will be just like when your kid gets in school. She says....Not on the first day. If I have learned anything in my old age it is be careful when you talk shit. It usually has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass. I finally get the saying...."Never say Never"! Now I say....Never????, Whatever!!!!!

The teenager was especially fun to get out of bed on the first day. I go into his room singing....It's the first day of school yeah, yeah, yeah for me! All I hear is a grunt coming from the bed. I sing a little louder and there is a louder grunt. I say......come on get out of bed, you need to shower and to brush your teeth. I now get a grunt with a Mommmmmmmm. I then go to drastic measures. I open up the blinds and pull off the covers. I stand over his bed saying......Get up, get up, get up, over and over. My Dad...aka...Grumps used to do this to me. It is one of the worst memories of my childhood. He still does it when I stay with him in the summer! It kind of makes you want to put your pillow over your ears and scream at the top of your lungs. It's makes my list of top ten annoying things for sure. He finally gets up because he like me can not take it anyone.

My Mom, Dad, and Ella....aka....the golden jerk were in from Chicago for a long weekend. After I get the kids out the door we head to Wimberly TX.

Even though I love the Golden Jerk I don't love how she snows my Grumps. She knows already that she has him wrapped around her finger. She's a smart jerk too. She totally uses this to her advantage. I'm not worried though. She's getting pretty feisty and dramatic about certain things. Now the Grump has no tolerance for that kind of behavior. I take the Golden Jerk aside to have a chat with her. I tell her enjoy him while you can because he will be mine again some day. EVIL LAUGH, EVIL SMILE. Then I tell her they do not call me the evil genius for nothing.

You can see our talk went really well as she lures him away once again. She turns around to stick her tongue out at me as she walks away. I stick my tongue out at her too.

So we get back home from Wimberly. Here is the golden jerk on my sofa eating. This is a big NO,NO. Does she get away with it???? Of course she does. Does anyone even say anything to her about it???? Of course they don't. She is just to damn cute. Her little voice is the cutest thing you have ever heard too. Unlike Twisty's voice.

The teenager gets home from school and is immediately attracted to her charm too. This girl is going to be something if she can keep this stuff up! It will be funny listening to Twisty complain when she is a teenager.

We drop the Golden Jerk off at my friends Robin's house. We want to go out for an adult dinner. Still surprised Grumps could pull himself away from her. It's my time to shine now. Well not really we are out celebrating Hub's and my Mom's birthdays.

The boys love when Ella comes for a visit. Cole has even come up with some pretty impressive ways in which we can keep her. Twisty is having no part of it though.

I think my favorite thing about her is even though she is cute as shit, she is slightly vulgar. She loves to tell people her feet stink and then shove them in her face to take a whiff. I can't tell you how many times she announced that she farted in a not so quite voice. This was driving my Mom...aka...positive Patty nuts. Patty grew up in the era of good manners. This is the era where men farted and girls passed wind. Every time Ella announced that she farted, Patty would try to brain wash her that girls don't fart. This went over like a fart in church. Girl farted all day like a boy in front of whoever and announced it every time. As much as Patty tried to change the little golden jerk who farts into a princess who passes wind it just wasn't working. It is refreshing to watch the honesty of a young child. Could you imagine how liberating it would feel to fart loud where ever we wanted and say.....Yeah that's right I farted. How many times have you been somewhere and you have held one in painfully. Wouldn't it be nice to let that sucker go instead of waiting till you get in the car blowing yourself out. I could just see myself somewhere like the grocery store in line. I would let out a big loud one. I would turn to the person behind me and say....I farted! If I had guts or balls I would try this out. Remember though I was raised by positive Patty....I pass wind. I may pass the kind of wind that you hear in a big thunderstorm, but I pass wind.

It cracks me up because mom...aka...positive Patty tells me she has never passed wind in front of my Dad..aka...Grumps. This always shocks me since they have been together since high school and got married at 18. How do you go that long without ever slipping one out. Even though I was raised to be a proper lady by Patty something went terribly wrong. I love to fart loud in front of Hub's, I always hope it will get me a get out of jail free card. Never really works that way for some reason. Though I have to say I never fart in front of the Grump, at least out loud that is. Farts make me laugh. Fart noises, fart stories, everyone has a great fart story. I have a really good fart story but I wouldn't dare tell it on here. That story is only told after a few beers to very close friends.

Her weekend visit went fast once again. I'm always so sad when she goes. I so wish she lived by us. Do you hear me UNIVERSE????

What I love and I think Hub's loves even more is when Patty comes and tackles one of our messes. This time she got the towel closet. I should have taken a before pic. She is like Martha Stewart on redbull. She will be retiring soon. I can't wait! I want her to come and go through every closet and drawer in the house. She is the most organized person I know. That gene skipped me for sure. My house is always clean but don't you dare open a drawer or closet here. Patty's mother was like me too. I remember being a kid and loving going through her unorganized drawers. You never knew what you would find. One time I found a bloody finger. It belonged to one of her boyfriends. HaHa, just kidding. Once again writing this was enough for me. Ignore bad grammar, bad writing, run on sentences, and bad spelling. To tired to proof read, maybe I have that attention thing. Maybe someday I will take that creative writing class I look up on line all the time. As for now I'm busy with sports, school, and driving these people around.

My baby can't be 14.

This past Sunday was my babies 14th birthday. I find my self thinking where has the time gone????? I sound like an old ass right now. That is a saying I always remember old people saying to me. Are all you old people happy out there???? You were right. The biggest thing that scares me about this is he will be driving in two years! I need a vodka drink, or a whiskey drink!

I will never forget the day my baby was born. Not to mention the 70 pounds I put on with this sucker. My face got so fat that my nostrils spread out. I went to bed reading that "what to expect when expecting" book. Hub's got home from work late that night. He had inventory at his job. When he got into bed I was reading him the signs of labor. I was scared to death of labor since he was my first born. I finally fell asleep late. I'm a night owl by nature. I woke up at 5:30 thinking I had to poop. I had this pressure in my belly. Nothing was coming. I kept laying back down and getting back up trying to poop. Then all the sudden I kept getting a stabbing sensation in my back. It was coming about every ten minutes. I wake Hub's up and tell him I think I am in labor. He tells me you just have to poop go back to bed. Really because he has had a baby before and he would know right?????? I keep complaining so he calls the doctor thinking he is going to prove me wrong. The doctor says....sounds like she is in labor you bet get to the hospital. As much as I want to say.....told ya so, I'm in too much pain! We get ready to go, this being my first I fear that he will pop out in the car. I could just see us on the side of the road waving a white flag. Some stranger would pull over to deliver him. The stranger will have a God awful name and I will feel the need to name him after him.

So we get in the car. Hub's says....don't call anyone till we get to the hospital and find out if your really in labor. Still thinking I don't know what I'm talking about! Does this guy know me at all???? How can I not call anyone. I love to be the center of attention. This is my time! I call my Mom first. She asks if I want her to get on a plane. I say...No just wait. I call his parents next. We get to the hospital and his Dad beats us there. We find him pacing around the lobby waiting for us.

They get me in a room. They confirm that yes I am in labor but I'm only dilated to a two. For Fucks sake this is going to be a long day. I call my Mom back to tell her. She is planning on coming for a week to help with the baby. She asks if I want her to come. I say.....just wait till after I have him so we have more time at home together. After about an hour and a God awful enema I call my Mom back in tears! She is at work now. I say in a most pathetic crying voice....can you please come this hurts way more than I expected. She says she will get on the next flight. There is something about having your Mom around when your in pain that makes you think it will be all better. Btw, an enema is for the birds. I took it fearing I would shit on the table. That was an awful experience. When they shoot that water up your butt it hurts. Not to mention it feels like that water shoots up your ass, up your spine into your brain. The next two I said no thanks to that. I would rather shit on the table for sure.

As the day went on I was on the horn to all of my friends and co workers telling them what was going on. I was in awful pain. They would not give me an epidural because I was dilating so slow. In stead they were giving me a drug to speed up the dilating. A nurse comes in to tell me how slow I'm dilating. She wants me to walk up and down the hallway to speed things up. All I can think is.........Is this bitch for real. Hub's is asleep on the couch in my room. His Father walks up and down the hallway with me for what seemed to be a lifetime. The waves of awful pain were coming within five minutes. He walked with me holding my hand. At one point he grabbed a rocking chair out of a room. He put it in the hallway so when the pain came I could sit and rock it out.

I finally said....enough is enough I can't walk I need to lay down. Now we are into the afternoon. I'm in bed and my room is filled with family and my friend Kim. My mother in law is letting me squeeze her hand during the contractions. I actually squeezed one of her big ass diamonds out of her ring. I'm hooked up to this thing that tracts your contractions. I have people in the room watching it. They are telling me this is going to be a big one. Don't they know I'm an ignorance is bliss girl. I don't want to know. I want to yell....shut the front door, but that is not me! I just do those things in my head. My Father in law goes to get my Mom. I just want her here before this baby comes.

I don't even remember who in the room when my Mom gets there. All I know is I'm so happy she is here. Right before she got there they finally gave me the most wonderful epidural in the world. I couldn't feel a thing all the pain just magically went away. When they were giving me the epidural hub's was in there. They had me lean over on the bed while they shot a sword like needle in my back. I had all these nurses helping me. I hear one of the nurses say Dad don't look so good. The next thing I know they all leave my side to help Hub's to a chair. He is about to pass out. They are all scrambling to him to get him in a chair with some OJ. Bullshit I say, I'm the one having a baby here, forget him!

I am finally going to pop this sucker out after very many painful hours. I think we had got to the hospital twelve hours before this actually started to happen. Not to mention the hours before we got there when Hub's thought I just had to poop. I have a bunch of people in the room. Still never seeing my doctor. My friend Kim informs me that my twat looks like a piece of raw meat. TMI, for sure! They kick everyone out except Hub's and my Mom. It then becomes crazy. They break down my bed, put me in stirrups, and hit these Hollywood lights on my stuff. Still no Doctor! The doctor finally comes in. I have my Mom on one side and Hub's on the other. They end up having to vacuum his head out. Even though I went from 95 pounds to 165 pounds I am still small framed. Blake finally comes out facing my Mom eyes wide open. She reminds him he was facing her every B-day.

They call everyone in to see him after he is born. My Mom told me my butt hole turned inside out and looked like cauliflower. TMI, once again! I can't even explain how I felt. You have this overwhelming feeling of love. A love you never felt before. It is so unconditional. It's a love you can't put into words. I just made something perfect. You love your family, your husband, and your friends. This is different for sure. You just want everything to be perfect for this tiny person. You never want them to feel pain or be sick. This is until they hit the teenage years. It all goes down hill for sure. You end up not recognizing this perfect person you created. He used to look at you like you hung the moon. Now he looks at you as if you have three heads. Sometimes you do have three heads. Sometimes I even check in the mirror to make sure I don't have three heads.

So fast forward 14 years. I take Blake to the mall to pick out B-day gifts. I can no longer pick something he likes. He picks out a bunch of stuff. Then we walk by the apple store. He says I think I would like that new I-pad! I am stopped in my tracks. I say...I just spent a bunch of money, I'm not getting you a six hundred dollar I-pad! Kid has an I-Phone not to mention an apple computer! Hello spoiled brat....I don't think so! He pulled the Birthday card on me all day to get his way. He even told me I couldn't nag him because it was his Birthday. Thank God this only comes once a year. I cussed him out a few times in my head. I really do love this kid but that doesn't mean I have to like him. At least for now. I'm hoping my elders are right when they say this too will pass.



A little re cap of my weekend. While sitting on the couch watching shit TV I hear glass breaking in the entry way. I pop up to see what happened. There is Cole and Aidan standing there looking like deers in headlights. I say....what the heck was that as I see a broken vase out of the corner of my eye. Cole scrambling for words says....Aidan throw his shoe at my head and it hit the vase. Before Cole even gets that out of his mouth, Aidan opens up the front door and starts running down the street. I walk out the front door and YELL......You better get back here you eventually have to come home if you want to eat, sleep. and live. He comes back and I have to lecture them once again about how we act in a house. About an hour goes by and we are all making our separate lunches. Cole and I are eating at the island. Aidan asks if he could have the left over burrito from sonic. I say sure pop it in the microwave. All the sudden Aidan is yelling....FIRE, FIRE, FIRE. Once again he runs out the front door. I go to the microwave and sure as shit it is on fire. He put that burrito in there with tin foil on it. See why I call them dumb and dumber. I put out the fire. A few minutes later Aidan peeks his head in the door and asks if it is safe to come in. I say....No, you set the house on fire now get out of here before I set your ass on fire. Alright I might have just been thinking that but jeez! I'm dressed in some running shorts and a tank top this day. Blake walks in and asks my why I'm dressed like this. I say....like what???? He says....Like you just worked out. Then he says...Are you trying to look like you workout to all your friends???? I say....maybe I did work out. He says....yeah right and rolls his eyes at me. Hello I think I see anti depressants in my future. Sorry for bad grammar, miss spelling, run on sentences, ect, ect. Too tired again to check! Oh yes and Happy Birthday to my wonderful teenager.