Get over yourself

Kelly...aka...Twisty and I are total polar opposites. She is as anal as they come. Me on the other hand is a fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal. As much as Kelly is my very best friend I know we are going to have a few disagreements over the next few weeks. We are sharing a bed together. A damn full size bed mind you. First night she told me to pick a pillow and stick to it. Things like laying on someone else's pillow don't bother me. This kind of stuff drives her insane. It's not like I'm some greasy barf bag that's going to infect her pillow. We wake up after our first night together. She says.....Um ya know you were trying to spoon me last night. I say I didn't think I moved, I woke up in the same spot I laid down in. She is like.....you even swung your leg over my body. Not to be a jerk but she is sick and coughed all night....am I complaining??? Hell no. The whole shower situation is under her skin for sure. Six of us are sharing the same bathroom. Kelly is super stressed out over the towel situation. She does not want to use anyone's towel other than her own. This is another thing that does not bother me. Not like we're a bunch of scum bag barf bags here. You dry off when you're clean right???? I go into the bathroom on day two to find sticky notes over the hooks. So we each have a hook with our name and a towel on it. Hello three of these people we are sharing the bathroom with our kids. Do you really think they are going to pay a bit of attention to these sticky notes???? Hell to the NO they are going to grab the first towel they see. Twisty might just have to put a towel in her room that is hers only.

I love to get under her skin. I leave her a personal sticky note. She comes down and says....who put that sticky note on the mirror. I just shrug my shoulders. It's funny cause yesterday when my Dad...aka...Grumps and me were in the final stage of our trip. Aidan and I dropped Grumps off at the airport where his car was. After we dropped him off we blasted the radio and sang at the top of our lungs. Can't do that with Grumps in the car - he likes it peaceful. We on the other hand like to ROCK out. As we were getting closer to home I got this overwhelming feeling of pure joy. I crazy love to be home. I can't wait to see all my relatives and friends. I love that my Mom and Dad like to do shit for me while I'm there. They cook for me, they buy me my favorite things, and they make me feel like a kid again. It is such a nice break from the reality of raising kids. If my kids talk back to me at all my Grumps jumps all over their ass. I just sit back and smile....guy still has my back!

Dinner is crazy with nine people every night! I pride myself on doing something inappropriate with the food. I love to take pictures too. This is the kind of shit that drives Grumps crazy, Debbie on the other hand finds it most amusing. BTW, learned this from her. I remember being at a family reunion and on our way out Debbie took two little drink umbrellas and put them somewhere funny as she twirled them. We have pictures from over the years of us with asparagus hanging out of our noses. If there is a sausage meal there is definately a picture.

So day two for meal time I came up with a game that I learned on the Oprah show. You go around the table and everyone has to tell you the best thing about their day and the worst thing. I did this for a while in my house. It was great but it fell by the way side as so many of my good ideas do. I have to say Kelly...aka...Twisty's was the best worst story of the day. We get to her and she says something like.....The best part of my day is we are all together.....the worst part of my day was while at work I had to poop and it was that never ending poop where you can't get off the pot. Are you starting to get why I call her Twisted sister! Thank God we started this game after we were all done eating. Eating giant sausage! Grumps chimes in with.....speaking of poops I flushed a few today that weren't mine. Me, I'm thinking welcome to my world. There is a prize waiting for me in every bathroom in my house. After dinner Kelly is headed out to get her two dogs. She looks at me and says....your dog might want to eat because once my dogs get here we're going to have to put his bowl up. Hello dolly.....So I need to re-train my perfect dog to eat on command. My dog is one laid back mother pucker, dude eats when he wants. This for sure is a future fight between Twisty and I.

The first night here being slightly uncomfortable with Twisty coughing all night, I jump into Mom and Dad's bed after they leave for work to get some of that dreaming about the vamp sleep. I am woken up from the sound of Ella walking up and down the hall asking for breakfast. Now Kelly is like me and likes her sleep so she is ignoring this as long as she can. I can't sleep let alone dream about the vamp. I text Kelly....Hey get up your kid wants to eat. I kind of feel like I have done my time three times over with that shit. It's my time to sleep for sure. I earned it! Hanging out with Ella is a rude awakening. As much as I love the crap out of her I did not miss Mr. Noodle. I forgot how most annoying Mr. Noodle could be. While watching Mr. Noodle at breakfast, Cole turns it up because Kelly and I talk way too loud. Shortly after breakfast I get into the shower singing the most annoying song - Elmo's world. Can't get that damn song out of my head! Hello welcome to two year old TV Hell! How I forgot.

So Aidan totally takes advantage of being at Grandma's house. She is a totally different animal than what I grew up with. He remembers from last summer that after my Mom, Kelly, and I got our toes down she set up a spa for them. So Grandma is about to go to bed and he starts this begging the crap out of me for a foot bath. I say...Hell to the NO! Grandma being someone I don't even recognize gets him set up with a spa treatment for his feet. I would love to rewind the hands of time, and ask for a spa treatment before Debbie was headed to bed. It would have went something like this.....Are you crazy, get your ass in bed, who do you think you are?! My kids have a totally different perspective of Debbie. They get spa treatments, ice cream at ANY time of the day, and if they are hungry at midnight they have been known to be cooking eggs or mac & cheese. This crap would have never flown in my days! Bullshit I say!

Wednesday we headed to Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Beth's house. I love my relatives, I have the best family in the world. So Aunt Beth, Kelly, and I head out for a pedi. The boys stay at Beth's house for fun with Uncle Jimmy, who is still a kid at heart so they love to be there! I'm a little sad since on our past trips the first place we headed was to Grandma's. I still have a hard time believing she is gone. Jimmy is the baby of the bunch. The funny thing is he is my Grumps youngest brother. He is closer in age to me than Grumps. What I feel strange about is I think Grandma spent most of her life pregnant.....that to me is amazing! Being PG is kind of for the birds.

Uncle Jimmy being the kid at heart that he is lets the kids do things that all the Mom's are thinking.....REALLY!

Ella is a ROCK star...even if she took my Grumps total attention from me. I still LOVE the crap out of her even though she stole my thunder.

Being the oldest has it's rewards! My Mom stopped and got my all time favorite cookies. Twisty tries to say they were for both of us. Truth be told...Mom came in and said these are for me. Back off Twisty.....I'm the golden child at least this month.

Anyway...Love being home! Even though we are going to get under each other's, skin I love it! These I know are going to be the best memories of my life!

The Beverly Hillbillies

So I finally got to packing! Most organized I might add. It does suck to pack for three boys, a dog, and I. I should let them pack for themselves but then I would just end up shopping for shit they forgot. Totally doing them and their future wives an injustice. Lazy on my part for sure.

I sent Blake and Cole on the plane with my brother. This will just make a more peaceful ride for me! All about keeping Mama happy and Grumps for that matter. These guys took off Saturday around five. Grumps flew in at the same time so we did the trade off. Now Grumps and I did have that evil thought of staying behind! We would pretty much have my house to ourselves and sit poolside all day. But who doesn't want to live like a Mexican once in their life time? No offense to anyone Mexican out there!

Kerry, Kerry, quite quantrary. How does your garden grow??? Got an ass load of veggies just when I was ready to go! I did take some with me to Chicago and we ate them tonight in a salad.

We headed out Sunday morning at 8:10. The target time was 8:00. Not bad at all. Aidan and Ziggy spent a lot of the trip sleeping. There was NO fighting or bickering the whole way. It's amazing when you remove two how much smoother your trip can be.

Sleeping again! This is almost bliss! We decide to roll in Rolla, MS. This is about 12 hours into our trip. Our trip with NO, "He's touching me's, he won't share the ipod, I don't want this movie, or he won't share the snacks." OMG, shout out to all you one child people! Y'all don't know how good ya have it!

Once we check into the Best Western Aidan takes a shower and takes over the TV. I'm sleeping at 11pm, don't think I have done this in ten years!

We head out Monday morning into a storm. Grumps has done much of the driving. He drives us through a bad ass storm. I do have to say I have the greatest Dad ever even if he can be Grumpy at times. The fact that he flies down to road trip with me is awesome. We get into Chicago at 3:00pm on Monday. Now Kelly...aka..Twisted Sister is mad at me. While writing this I'm listening to Blake try to get a girl to say something to him. I don't know what but he keeps saying things like why don't you want to tell me, how can you tell me you want to say something and not say it. Hello Blake you better get used to it that is how girls your age are.

Let me set the scene in the house for everyone. We pull up Twisted sister is in the middle of moving all her shit back into my Mom and Dad's house. I have nowhere to go with my stuff. Later that night we are all around a very crowed dinner table. Five adults, four grandkids, and dogs. Well truth be told only my dog is here now. Two more large dogs will surface tomorrow. You can't turn around anywhere in the house without having someone in your face. The house resembles an episode of hoarders. Anyway back to the dinner table. We are at the overcrowded dinner table, the broken dryer is going in the background and it is LOUD. We are deciding where all these people will sleep for the next five weeks. The tension is already high in this house. I suggest a tent in the backyard. Kelly says her friend may have an air mattress we can borrow.
My thought is....where do we put this air mattress in this already overcrowded house???? The roof maybe! The Golden Child has a roomy room all to herself......No hard feelings here! I say...Who do you think will be the first to crack?????? Dad already cracked a little when Twisted sister moved a sand table in. Mom...aka...Debbie suggested to Dad...aka...Grump that he move his cd cabinet out. Grumps says....What about that cabinet that has a bunch of ceramic Roosters????? Debbie says....when is the last time you used one of those CD's???? Grumps says....When is the last time one of those Roosters said cock a doodle do????? Grumps argues the point that he has very little space in this house already. All I can think is....where are the cameras? We could be a reality show's dream.

The conversation switches to I need to teach my dog to eat at a certain time since this is how Twisty's dogs eat. Twisty tells me my dog won't get to eat if I leave his food out all day for him. Debbie comes up with yet another token Debbie Downer story. Kelly is telling Debbie that there is a national shred day coming up at the end of July. Debbie in her oh so Debbie response says......What if the shred people go through your stuff???? WAAAAA, WAAAAAA. WAAAAAA! Kelly and me end up running into each other trying to go to the bathroom. She tells me that the pants she's wearing make her look like she has camel toe. I say....I was thinking that all day but didn't want to tell you because I know your having a bad day. We both laugh!

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Grumps informs us we are not allowed to use his computer. The house is LOUD and we are all here. It is the first night. Debbie asks me if Hub's misses us. Before she gets that all out Grumps is laughing his ass off. He says are you kidding...he has it made. Have to agree with the Grump on this one.

Cole here is trying to make Ella feel better about bed time. Twisty is a strict one no lazy parenting here for sure. Girl has to go to bed. Since Grumps knows I blog he says he is not saying anything for the next few weeks in fear he will make the blog. All I have to say is if you can't poke fun at the ones you love who can you poke fun at? They are the only ones that still have to love you and still have to talk to you. I kind of feel like the Beverly Hillbillies....truth be told I feel like a pack of Mexicans but I don't want to offend any Mexicans. I pride myself on being a non-prejudice person for sure. Even though the next five weeks are going to be stressful, going to get ugly at times, and going to be crowded for sure; I can't imagine anything else I would rather be doing. Damn it evil thoughts get out of my head...I really can't imagine my life without these people. Holy shit just went potty and all these people's shit in one bathroom is crazy! BTW, Kelly ghost checked this for me so any mess ups are on her! Just sayin!

Doing anything but packing!

Here is Aidan....aka the paper genius hard at work. This is really starting to wear on me. But who am I to stop a genius at work. Someday I will be rewarded for all these paper shenanigans.

I went to work and put Blake in charge....this is what I came home to. How hard is it to throw something away or shut a cabinet. I swear if I left these guys home for a week they could single handily tear down my house one brick at a time.

We have these Guinea hens that live by our house. They just had babies. Cutest thing ever. Here I am trying to catch a picture of them. They are running away and barking like dogs at me. Maybe it's because one of our neighbors tries to run them over when they get in her way.

Got my windows washed today. The man and his wife worked on the windows for nine hours. They did the inside and outside. As I'm writing this I'm trying to count how many windows we have....28. Most of which are floor to ceiling ones. We have 12 foot ceiling in the downstairs. Now we have never had this done in the four years we have lived here. They look amazing...I see dead birds in our future. If you live in the Austin area his name is Richard 512-291-9151. He only charged 175.00. When he was leaving he said...God bless you and Thank you so much for the business...my family really needs it. Wow, is all I have to say. I wouldn't want to wash windows all day in this TX heat for that little bit of money. When you think about it that is less than ten dollars an hour between the two of them. Now I want to go out and promote this guy and get him as many jobs as I can. It's nice to come across a really genuinely nice and honest person.

There is a story behind this picture. That blue blurb is Blake. He has four boys over and four girls over. This is me taking a picture as I spy behind this bush. I know what your thinking......GET A LIFE. I do scare myself sometimes but I want to make sure there are no shenanigans going on especially at my house. Maybe I was hoping to get a good blog story out of it too. Pretty boring....I think I might be more exciting than these guys.

This is a paper Boat that Aidan made.....pretty impressive right???? This is why I buy tons of paper and tape. I need to keep these creative juices flowing. Even if some times I come around the corner to a paper mess and want to yell FUCKKKKKKKKKK at the top of my lungs!

Kerry, Kerry, quite contrary.....how does your garden grow?????

Got a seven foot sunflower.......how the fuck is that for girl power????

Shit as I wrote this...I am thinking about my Dad...aka...the Grump reading this. He has a zero tolerance policy for cussing. Sorry Grumps! Maybe though I like to cuss so much because of your zero tolerance policy. See so it's your fault...nothing is ever mine. Now I am going to stay with him for the next five weeks, I should watch the shit talking. Speaking of cussing. I have this notebook that I write down key words in. These words are reminders of what I want to blog about. Though sometimes this back fires on me. I can't remember what the key word meant...getting old sucks. So tonight I was looking in my notebook before I was going to write. I come across the word SHIT in big letters, I didn't write this. I call the little guys in. I flash the notebook with the SHIT word on the page. I can tell right away that Aidan looks suspect. I say...I'm going to give you two one chance to tell who wrote this before I check my handy dandy secret cameras. Cole right away says...wasn't me. Aidan says....I can't remember what I have done this week. I say....really Aidan I think your nose is growing. He grabs his nose and his eyes get really large. He kind of looks like a deer in headlights. I say....GOT YA! He just does his little Charlie Brown line smile. I love that fact the the secret cameras get them every time. Just wondering how much longer I can ride this train.

So today I was supposed to be packing for my five week trip to Chicago. When I say packing that means packing for me and three kids. Where the fuck is my clone. I can't do it my lame brain won't let me concentrate. I want to do anything but pack. Why can't I be one of those super motivated people????Sometimes I want to wake up a totally different person. Like the girl that is on top of her shit, perfect Mom, totally motivated, likes to work out, eats right, lives right, great friend, good listener, yada, yada, yada. This kind of sounds like a dating service add...SCARY. Lets just say I'm still packing.

My garden has come a long way. The sad thing is now I'm getting tons of veggies and I am leaving for five weeks. Story of my life. I guess I'm going to hit my neighbor Erin up to take of the garden while I'm gone. She loves to cook and can take all the veggies while I'm gone. I hate to see all my hard work go to waste.

So while trying to do anything but pack today I run up to the new CVS. I come across this....it's a book. The title is...Living successful with screwed up people. I buy it for my up coming 20 hour road trip. So I might have screwed up these people I live with. At least I'm trying to fix them. I'm laughing because this picture of me looks like I have been rode hard and put away wet. It ain't from any 30 year boyfriend either, it's from these people I live with.

I got an E-mail from the Mighty Dad's website. They have nominated my blog as the best new Mom blog to read this year. They will be promoting my blog all next month on their site. This makes me laugh a little because my blog can be slightly male bashing. Remember I live in a male driven house...no judging please! I started this blog for my kids....My twisted sister got me into it. BTW, her super funny blog has fallen by the waste side lately. Kelly...step up your game. This blog for me is also a way for all these crazy thoughts to get the hell out of brain. Sometimes I feel like there is an evil twin talking to me constantly. Hello padded cell...My name is Kerry. Anyway thank you to everyone who reads this shit. It makes my mommy ass not feel so invisible to the world. I know my spelling, grammar, and run on sentences suck. Sometimes things don't make sense because I think my brain is ahead of my typing. Truth be told I'm too lazy to proof read. Sometimes I re read the next day and go WTF! A ghost writer is needed for sure.

Final thoughts of my day...thinking I'm going to marry all the half drank Gatorade's in my house. I will put them in bottle tell the kids it's a new flavor and serve it to them. Evil laugh!!!!!! While packing I realize I have too many clothes and shoes....sad I wish I had the money back. Cut myself off of Dr OZ once again.....freaking out that I don't shit "S" shaped poops.

Tomorrow Blake and I are headed to a former Dripping Springs Mom's funeral. This was a huge shock to me. Blake came down the other day and said his friends Mom was in a car wreck and wasn't expected to make it. As soon as he said this I thought about the Mom who I knew and I have sat with at Choir concerts, sporting events, and have had a beer with at the NUT. She has been at my house we have talked over a DR. pepper at McDonald's about how our kids drive us nuts. As soon as I heard this tears overwhelmed me. She had dropped her daughter off at camp that morning. she was headed in to help at the school she worked at. Someone came into to her lane and hit her head on. She died the next day. Blake knew her better than me. He is a kid that shows little emotion at his age but this hit him hard. He has come down several times to tell me how cool this Mom was. Sad thing is I know that. I remember the first time I met her. She came into my house while dropping her daughter off to hang out with some other girls. It was her and her husband, they were headed out for date night. They seemed like that blissfully happy married couple, unfortunately you don't see that much anymore. My heart is broken for her family. She has a girl that is Blake's age and a younger boy. I think kids really need their Mom when they are young. It makes me sadder than I can say that this lady that always had a smile on her face is gone. I have woken up the last three days with pure anxiety in my chest. This to me is pure heartbreak. I can't even imagine what this family is going through.

Father's Day!

So Fathers Day week my kids were all concerned about how to make their Dads fathers day perfect. Earlier in the week they were shopping on line for wake board boats. All I have to say is this on line shopping shit is for the birds.....too much info out there. They have found things they would have never known existed before. This just for me makes parenting even harder. They even borrowed my phone to call a guy in CA to see how much he wanted for his boat. I followed them to see why they needed my phone. They whispered to each other and planned who would make the call and what they would say. I had to laugh as one made the phone call and the other one danced around the room kicking up his legs in excitement. Then they wanted to know how the could make 30k in a week. I hate to burst their ignorance is bliss bubble but a wake board boat is out of the question. Unless we win the lotto.....Hello universe, I see myself winning 80 million....DO U HEAR ME UNIVERSE????? Ya know there are those people that say if you ask the universe you shall receive....I've been asking for 80 million...still waiting.....and I do believe. Trying to explain to dumb and dumber that there is no way we are raising this much money in a week is a huge headache for me. Wish they were as concerned about raising three hundred dollar boots for me on Mothers day....much easier. Just sayin. They weren't on line shopping for boots for me....just sayin again. Wondering why I'm the one at every school function and driving their ass to every practice every game, wearing their gear to support them. Why aren't they trying to figure out how to get me boots. A damn lemonade stand in this hood would have taken care of that. I'm not bitter. I know this is just in fact a Mama's job. Oh wait it is Father's day.

They settled for a new grill since his grill pooped out and he loves to grill. I took them to pick out the one and lead them in the right direction to what he would want. They were really excited. Being a Mom I am a master manipulator into tricking them into thinking they picked out this grill even though I did!

Father's day morning we head to lake Austin. Now we do have a boat.....not a wake board boat but a ski boat. This is what they want to do on Father's day.

Daddy is happy the kids are happy. Mom is in an over sized hat hoping not to get anymore sun damage on her face.

Cole as usual is our entertainment for the day.

Ut Oh, the po po!

I tell the kids sunscreen is important...this is what I get. Better safe than sorry is what I think.

Blake thinks he is all that and a bag of chips....Don't really think this age is amusing. But he is mine and it is what it is.

It is a fun day...even though I come off the lake looking like a lake rat. What's with those chicks that look lake hot anyway?????

So since I'm behind on my blog as I am in life this post should have been done a week ago. I'm thinking of everything I wanted to talk about in this week. One being I was laughing when I saw I had a regular reader from Gloucestershire. Had to google that shit, never heard of it! Shout out to ya though! Thank you for reading this craziness from Gloucestershire. Every am I check my E-mails and my two little shadows sit on the sofa across from me talking craziness. The other morning Aidan who is the youngest says...Hey Cole I don't think Santa is for real. Cole being my dreamer says...Of course he is....Mama has a picture of him in the family room. Thank God for photo shop is all I'm thinking. For once Santa goes away life becomes too real...the crazy, the bad, and evil surface. The longer as I can prevent this the better they will be.

My brother...aka..lost has been staying with us for six months. He is about to head home against my kids better judgement. Who knew I had a con artist in the house, Aidan who knows Joe is is going, goes up to his room and says...Hey Joe since your going Mom wants us to hang out and spend quality time with you. Joe says...great what are we going to do? Aidan says....you are going to take Mom's car and take us to game stop to buy games. Then we will come home play our games for a while, we will rent movies and stay up all night. Now I never said any of this. Con artist at his finest!

Mav's take the win, and I take my TV back.

So the kids have taken over my TV for sure! They have been watching basketball like crazy. Frickin crap is on almost every night. It is really cutting into my shit TV time. So the Mav's finally take the win and I get my TV back so I think. The next day a very special package is dropped off by FedX.

The Mav's won and their Mimi from Dallas sent them championship T-shirt in the mail. They were more than excited. I took pics on my phone to send to Mimi at work.

She sent on for my oldest but he was MIA as usual.

Yesterday I was checking my E-mail in the office. Cole comes in plops down on the sofa in there. He has been begging me for a phone because his friends all have one. He proceeds to talk to himself out loud. He thinks I'm going to give a shit. He is saying things like.....I'm so bored I bet all my friends are texting right now. I can't text because I don't have a phone. I think I'm the only kid in my grade without a phone. I'm like the odd man out. The only one, the lonely loser. People laugh at me. I don't even have a facebook account. I'm the only one. I never get anything. It is so unfair. Of course all my friends are texing while I'm just sitting here bored. Blake gets everything he wants. I bet Blake is texting right now. I bet all Blake's friends are texting right now. None of my friends had to earn a phone, they just got one. All my friends have nice parents. Not me I'm the only one without a phone. At first I am thinking Laaaa, Laaaa. Laaaa, I can't hear you in my head. Then I'm just laughing writing all this crap down so I can remember how dramatic it was. He looks up and says.....why are you writing stuff down. I say.....So I can show you how dramatic you were when your older. Then you will feel the need to buy me a car since I put up with so much crap. This child always has to have the last word, this about sends me to the brink of insanity on a daily basis. He says.....CRAP, I'm the one putting up with crap from you, I'm the only kid without a phone and that's crap. He has me at a loss for words because I can not believe what a smart Alic he can be......blows me away. So of course I have to send him to his room and we ruin a perfectly good summer morning. Where did this one come from. When I complain about him my Dad...aka.....the Grump tells me I was just like that as a kid. I have a hard time believing that though. I thought I was a pretty perfect kid. I think the Grump has me confused Kelly....aka....Twisty. Speaking of Grump he is flying here in two days so we could go on yet another road trip. We have been talking about our plans for the road trip. The one thing we agree on is we will be heading through Oklahoma this year. Last year we went through Arkansas and broke down in a dry county.....nuff said