Who raised you...REALLY????

So today all three boys had their physicals. They need these in order to play sports and start back to school. On our way there Aidan my worry wort is asking how many shots he is going to need. Me, I really have no idea. Then they all want to know if the doctor is going to check the private parts. This I know will happen. I don't know what is funny about this but they are all laughing. I never remember laughing about doctors checking my privates. I just don't think it would be very pretty under bright fluorescent lighting. It makes me a bit uncomfortable to be honest.

So we get there and we wait and wait and wait. While we are waiting my big kids fight over the two year old toys in the waiting room....even my 13 year old. I can't act like their not mine. I do what every desperate mom does and I start to threaten them. They are truly making me look like an asshole at this point. After sitting in the waiting room for 40 minutes they finally call us in. They line all three up to check blood pressure and all that stuff. After that they ask who is first. The boys vote Aidan. The little one always gets the shit end of the stick. So the other two go back out to the waiting room. I give them the famous mom stare that means I will kill you if you miss behave while I'm in here.

So we wait some more for the the doctor to come in. As we are waiting Aidan is asking me 500 questions about what will happen to him in this appointment. He is stressed to the max about shots and the famous penis check. He asks if they are going to check his heart. I say...yes. He asks what happens if his heart doesn't sound right. I say...it will don't you worry. He asks again how many shots he needs. I say once again...I have no idea. Me I'm trying to picture myself on an island in perfect shape with my half dead billionaire. The doctor finally comes in. You can tell she is a new one in this practice. She is really taking her time with him. As she checks him out she asks him a bunch of questions. She asks if anything bothers him. He is looking down twirling his thumbs as if he is an abused child afraid of his mom. He says....what do you mean? She says....Is school good? Do you have any bullies of anything that that bothers you??? Well this is new to me...never heard doctors ask this kind of stuff. He is still looking down twirling his thumbs as if he is an abused child and says he is all good. Next she asks him if he eats right. I feel a little panic at this point. I think he will say if mac and cheese is eating right I'm all good. He says ..yes. At the end she asks if he has any questions. His response....what is eating right?????? Really????? here is my mom of the year moment. She says...do you drink milk, eat five servings of fruits and vegetables a day????? He pretty much says...not so much. Now I feel the doctor is totally judging me at this point. She looks over at me to tell me the importance of a healthy diet. She asks Aidan...what are some healthy foods. I cringe once again waiting for Aidan's response. He says...apples. I think take that doctor! She asks him...what food group is apples in. When he responds vegetables I want to die. Hello half dead billionaire....my name is Kerry! Funny thing is after is appointment we go to MC Donald's for some dinner. But damn it we have football and there is no time to cook.

So Cole is next. Cole is a whole nother animal than Aidan. Now Cole always has something to say. For example last night when he told me he loved my wrinkles and pointed everyone out for me. Some I didn't even know I had. This came up when I was watching some of my famous shit TV. Blake told me the girl on millionaire matchmaker looked old. I told him she was a year older than me. Blake said you don't have all the winkles and you don't look fake. That's when Cole chimes in with I love your wrinkles and proceeded to point them all out. Anyway back to the doctor. She pretty much asks Cole all the same questions. Now he looks up to her and speaks clearly and answers right. Ten points for me at this point.


Next it is Blake. I want to excuse myself for this exam since he is pretty grown up. Last year when the doctor did the the penis check I about fell over. For this is my oldest baby...how dare he grow up. I tell her we will all wait outside. She tells me I have to be in here because she can't be in here alone with him. All I can think is.....wow...what this world has come to. So we all sit in here for most of his exam. BIG MISTAKE! As he is about to get the private check I see the doctor look over at Cole. Ya know those writing pads that little kids take on road trips and they draw pictures on???? Here is Cole holding one of these up at the doctor and Blake with a huge penis drawn on it. Hello mom of the year you just got those ten points he earned taken away. Omgosh, want to die about now! So I do the..... you are dead stare at Cole. A few minutes later the Doctor wants to talk about safe sex with Blake. Really????? She asks the two little guys to wait outside for a bit. So they leave the room. I feel my heart start to race. She is talking to us about that Paplomo virus that is common now. Now I know I butchered the spelling on this but REALLY??? SEX??? this is my first born, my baby, I still remember him crinkling his eyebrows when he drank his bottle. Sex REALLY??? He tells her he is not really worried about this yet. Thank God for small favors. She starts to tell him about all the diseases he can get from having sex. I hope she scared the shit out of him! I don't want to end up on that MTV show where the babies have babies.

So on the way home I tell Blake it is very important to me that you tell me before you have sex. I tell him that he will need this shot other wise he might die. I know I'm reaching here but I try to raise my kids in fear. He tells me something I'm not ready to hear. He says...I'm all good till next year because I'm in eight grade and no one is having sex. This makes me happy. This is until he tells me in high school everyone has sex. I really want to pull over and puke right now. I ask....what makes you think this???? He tells me he knows this because his friends with high school siblings are all having sex. Me thinking shit I had sex in high school how do I approach this????? I had sex with a person just because my friends were having sex. It meant nothing and it hurt me in the long run. I don't want my baby to make this same mistake. I tell him that girls are really sensitive in high school. I tell him he should never sleep with someone just to do it. I tell him it is important that you really love someone before you do that because it can have long term effects on the person. Like me for that matter if I become a grandparent before my time! I tell him that he needs to talk to me before this happens so I can guide him right. I tell him I will not judge I will just guide him into the safe way to this. REALLY though???? This is killing me! So these people I live with are killing me at this point!