Yes the golden jerk is still here

So twisty is ugly and tries to steal the Vamp away from me. Sorry girl this guy only had eyes for me. We head out to the Nutty Brown free concert on Wednesday night. Super fun girls night out otherwise known as GNO!
After we get home my main man is waiting like a rock star for me. Who the hell wouldn't want a life size cardboard cut out??? He's hot as shit and he doesn't speak, well kind of! I do make him speak in my mind. Hello my name is Kerry and I'm checking into my padded cell as we speak. We took several pictures with the cardboard cut-outs but I can only show you a few. I would probably lose friends if I posted the rest. It's the simple things in life that keep me happy!

Twisty thinks she is going to lure these two away from me. I don't think so, they want someone much more experienced than her lame ass. Thank God the kids are in bed. They are not witnessing these shenanigan's. All I can think while writing this blog is when the hell am I going to grow up??? Never, I say! I'm a toy r us kid!

So The golden jerk called her girlfriend while at my house. She said...my Aunt Kerry is like a rock star! I want to stay here, screw shy town. She is following right our footsteps.....A total shit talker.

Her friend said...but Ella I will miss you! Ella is like...I don't care I'm staying with Aunt COOL Kerry and that's a fact! Then I over heard her say.......UMMM YEAH, my Aunt Kerry is by far the coolest person I know. She blows my Mom away!

The boys just love when cousin Ella comes to town. Cole has even come up with ways we can keep her. One time he says.....Kelly is young she could just have another. BTW, I'm totally on board with Cole's idea.

The Golden Jerk is going to do everything the boys do while she is here. I love that about her. Not afraid to get down and dirty.

The little Golden Jerk is taunting me. Just like she loves to do. She looks at me and says....Hey Kerry, step aside there's a new girl in town and everybody likes me. She says...I know it's hard to believe that people could like be better than you but it's a fact.

Me I just sit by the pool with my main man Ziggy. I enjoy the fact that she will be two soon. Terrible two's aren't all that cute. I may be able to re secure my spot on the family throne.

She is just taken back by the boys silly ways. It's cute how hard she laughs at them. I wish I could laugh at them that much. It seems I'm either yelling, repeating, breaking up a fight, or cleaning behind them. I want to laugh at them!

Ella can be most dramatic sometimes. I wonder where she gets that from. If I was going to say I would say Twisty, but shhh about that.

We have such a great watching my neighbors pool. I think they should go of town more often.

Every time Blake is around Ella he wants me to take a picture of the two of them on his phone. He then sends it to every girl he knows. This is because he calls himeself a "PLAYER". Please, he makes me laugh. He doesn't have a clue as to what a "player" is. When he tells me this crap my responce is always the same. I say.....I worked really hard to not raise "players" and if that's what you think you want to be then you better go play somewhere else. He always just looks at me like I'm crazy.

He he is teaching Ella how to text fifteen people at the same time. What a "player".

The Golden jerk is still here

This picture is a little blurry. These are the bird eggs nesting in our Topsy Turvy. They have hatched. I'm way behind on this blogging bullshit my Twisted sister got me into so there will be bird photos in the future. Twisty writes a blog too. In one of her entries she wrote that I ate the birds. One of her lame friends actually believed her. I'm tempted to take one of these baby birds hold it over my mouth, take a picture and send it to her. I fear the Mama will no longer feed it if I do that. I guess I will have to bottle the smart ass in me for another time.

The golden jerk loved to try and put crap on Ziggy. I don't think Ziggy was a fan. Every time he walked by Ella...aka...the golden jerk he nudged her and knocked her on her ass.

We took a ride to the mall. To see the giant Easter Bunny. While writing this I'm trying to remember my first encounter with the giant mall Easter bunny. I actually can't remember, sad I think I have killed one two many brain cells. My only memory of the Easter bunny is forgetting to leave him a carrot and being upset about. My Mom...aka....Debbie Downer told me to leave it on the table for him while were at church. I thought there is no way he will come back for it. I left it and low and behold he came back while we were at church. He even left a note. I was so excited that he would come back to my house just for a carrot. Oh to be young and dumb again! Life was so much easier. The golden jerk did not cry when she saw the bunny. I bet a giant mall bunny is a scary sight for a almost two year old. We talked Cole and Aidan into standing next to her. They are not really giant mall bunny fans these days. They are way to cool ya know.

Alright so she wouldn't crack a smile. Can't say I blame her. I wonder what the Hell is going through her mind right now. It might be something like....holy shit this giant white thing with ears that doesn't say a word has me on his lap, why does my Mom do this shitz to me???? The only "rabbit" I'm a fan of these days is the one with batteries. Most girls will know exactly what I'm talking about. It's a whole new meaning to the "rabbit" for me!

Cole is a trooper fer sure! He just does this to please Ella.

After the giant mall freaky bunny we hit a movie. This is the golden Jerks first film. She is a rock star! Doesn't say a word through the whole thing. I think I may like her. Once again, I'm not really a writer, sorry for mis-spellings, run on sentencing, yada yada yada, it is what it is!

The Golden Jerk arrives in town

So my twister sister and the golden jerk were supposed to fly in Thursday. They didn't make it in till Saturday. My dad....aka .....the Grump works for AA, therefore we all go standby. Standby=getting bumped off flights. While waiting for her flight my twisted sister runs into my Dad's friend Steve. I have had a school girl crush on Steve for as long as I can remember. Now everyone knows this including Hub's so no judging please. Though I seem to have a lot of crushes they are all unrealistic ones. Of course she takes a picture with him for my benefit. Notice her finger also a crack at me. Notice her daughter looking at her finger. Nice Twisty! I may pass the Mom of the year torch over to her.

So Ella wakes up Sunday morning and tries to get a hold of my man. He looks at her and says.....put me down please, I am Kerry's pocket vampire. I see a padded cell in my future with my pocket vampire in hand. I can hear the people now saying......I thought she was just kidding around with the life size vampire cutout, the pocket vampire, and the pictures of him with herself photo shopped in.

Sunday we headed back out to Founder days. I'm glad the golden jerk is here for this. I'm sad she missed the red neck parade though.

Yes, that is a giant white tiger stuffed with those cheap ass white balls that will soon occupy my carpet.

Notice one teenager "know it all" is missing from this picture. I kind of feel like I only have two boys these days. That is until his money runs out. When we got to Founders days he couldn't get away from us fast enough.

Here Cole is fishing in a catch and release pond for catfish. Twisted one is most disturbed by this.

Leave it to the Twisted one to get a picture of me with not only food in my mouth but fried food in front of me. Yes, I know I keep complaining about un wanted belly fat.....I have no self control.

Cole loves having Ella...aka...golden jerk around. He wants to be the one to take care of her all the time. He wants me to have another baby....that ain't going to happen! Someday he will make a wonderful Father. I can't wait to see that.

Here is Aidan, he is riding in the front with my Friend Ashley's son

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you look at this picture????? The first thing that comes to my mind is rode hard put away wet. This is about how we feel after a full weekend of Founders and the hot TX sun.

We get home with our new friends. Ya know the ones with the cheap ass white balls in them. My neighbor Erin is coming over for dinner that night. I put these guys at the table as if they were guest. She walks in and most dramatically says....get those away from your table do you know where they have been. I have to laugh out loud. This is totally something Twisty would say. So I move them and check for a hole in the crotch area. The only problem I would have is if a carnie used them as a blow up doll. Man I need to get my head out of the gutter.

When we pulled up to the house Ella got out of the car and said "MYCOLE" which means Michael of course. For some reason she likes him more than me this trip. I can't believe it, for one everyone likes me better than him. Except his blood relatives. I'm the one that buys her all the cute shit and thinks she hung the moon! What is she thinking. He didn't even go to Founders with us.

She says.....hey Uncle Mycole can I get a little of that beer in my Sippy??????

Next thing I know she is doing that most annoying drunk girl dance that all us girls do. Ya know the one that we have our hands in the air.

A little too much beer! Twisty finds her face down passed out! She didn't even make it in the bed. Now I kind of feel the need to say by no means did we really give minors alcohol....just a joke!


Anyway while writing this post I was watching Pretty in pink. I'm sitting here wondering where was my Jake back in the day????? That crap didn't happen! Eighties movies warped us girls vision of how life really is.


I'm throwing out three blog entries tonight because I'm an insomniac freak. I have not writen in this blog for weeks. I think my kids stole my mojo. I have had writers block lately. I'm cracking my ass up right now....I just called myself a writer. Yes, I still need to go back to school to teach me how to write correctly.....just another thing on my shit list.

Founders weekend! Whoot, whoot

I look forward to Founders weekend every year. There's a great red neck parade, yummy carnival food, overpriced carnival rides and games, barbecue cook offs, and best of all you can roll your own beer around in a wagon.

Here is our famous Tiger mascot in the parade.

My kids love Founders, they run free all weekend with their friends.

The people watching is not too shabby either. Check out the chick in the black and white tutu.

The parade kicks off at 6:30 on Friday night. Next year I think I'm going to submit a float. I always look forward to the "trophy wife" float. They weren't in it this year though. I hope this doesn't mean they got traded in for younger "Trophy wives".

There is always tractors, pickup trucks, farm animals, and cowboys in this parade.

We drink beer and watch the very entertaining parade.

Mom of the year here let her baby drink too much, soda that is! He passed out by the fire Friday night.

One of Blake's friends was here visiting from our old neighborhood in Frisco TX. If I could arrange a future marriage this would be one of my top picks. Since Blake does exactly opposite of what I say these days. I don't let him in on my future plans. Mama does know best, he just doesn't get that yet!

Blake only checked in with me when he needed more money all weekend! I can't really stand the fact that my baby is growing up so fast. I of course have to spy on him several times during the weekend. Every time I do I find him, I find him with a bunch of girls. I think he is trying to send me to my padded cell before my time. Why can't I have a dorky kid that the girls make fun of???? Is that so much to ask for??? It would make the next few years go a lot smoother for me. It's all about me ya know. After Founders weekend he tells my an eight grade girl kissed him. I'm trying like HELL to play it cool. I am thankful that he still talks to him about this stuff. I want to yell....your too young....stay away from these girls. I walk away from the ledge I'm about to fall off and ask if it was a french kiss. He looks at me like I'm crazy and says NO. OMGOSH, Thank God for small favors.

Every time something like this happens it takes me back to my middle school years at Immaculate Conception. This in it self about puts me back on that ledge. I was boy crazy for sure. I remember my first kiss like it was yesterday. Some of my Catholic school girl friends and I liked to hang out with the public school boys. My first kiss was in seventh grade, with an eighth grade boy. Mine had tongue though. I was awful and awkward. His name was Dennis Best. Sandy, Michelle, Monica, and I were all hanging out in Dennis Best's club house. I remember his friends were pressuring us to kiss. I really didn't want to do it. Not because I didn't want a kiss but because I didn't know what I was doing. I was nervous as hell. Back in that day you couldn't "YOU TUBE" how to french kiss. You were on your own. We went behind this curtain in his club house and sat there forever. His friends kept asking if we were doing it. We finally did it, like I said it was awful and awkward. Later I found out he told his friends I kissed like a fish. I don't know when the hell he ever kissed a fish to know this. All I know I was embarrassed and it seemed like the end of the world. Let me tell you there were no fireworks for me either. I think the worst thing about my first kiss was his shit head friend shot my friend Megan in the ass with a BB gun while we were doing it. I don't remember ever kissing Dennis again after that kiss....Thank God. Needless to say, the next few years scares the hell out of me.

Sam I am

Went to the second grade musical. It was surprisingly entertaining. My Boa hair do for Aidan turned out nicely I must say.

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I have been struggling with having to work out after turning 40. I do really good for a few weeks and then I fall right off the workout wagon. It sucks because I never had to workout before. I could eat what I wanted and drink what I wanted. I always maintained my weight pretty well. The biggest thing that bothers me is the new found belly fat. After being home from the musical I was doing sit ups. I couldn't get the Seussical musical out of my brain. Having an overactive brain I started to sing this little "Sam I am" poem in my head. I changed the words of course. It went something like this......

I am Kerry
I am Kerry
Kerry I am, -I am
I do not like this Kerry I am, I do not like
muffin top belly, I do not like it Kerry I am.
I do not like
muffin top belly

Would you like it
here or there?
Hell NO, I don't like it anywhere

I would not like it
Here or there
I do not want it anywhere
I do not like this muffin top belly.

I do not like it
Kerry I am

Would you like it on your back?
Hell No, and that's a fact!

I do not like it on my back
I do not like it here or there
I do not want it anywhere
I do not like muffin top belly
I do not like it Kerry I am

Would you lipo suck the shit out???
Or would you rather work it out??

Not lipo it out
Not work it out
Not on my back
that is a fact
I do not like it here or there
I do not want it anywhere
I do not like this muffin top belly
I do not like it Kerry I am

Would it, could it
Just disappear
Hey damn Universe
Don't you hear????

It will not
It is not
going to disappear

I do not like it on my belly
It slightly reminds me of jelly

I do not want it on my ass
why did my good days have to pass?

I do not like it on my back
It reminds me of an "A" size sack.

I do not like it here or there
I do not like it anywhere
I do not like this muffin top belly
I do not like it Kerry I am.

On that note.....Kerry is checking into her padded cell right now!

Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs

Wow it's been a while since my last blog entry. It's because I have been cloudy with a chance of Meatballs lately. I'm serious when I say that and I'm not laughing at all. Friday night I hosted a ladies night. The Vamp and the Werewolf stopped by to fight over me again. Of course the Vamp won out hands down. Blake had four middle school boys spend the night. All I have to say about that is.....Hey Universe I need more $$$$$$!

Blake made it to district For pole vaulting. The unfortunate thing was it was over an hour away. I'm adding gas money to the list of things these people owe me. Not to mention emotional distress damages. The garden is coming along nicely. We have had a few strawberries. So they only get to be the size of a dime before they rot out.....who's counting! We have our first little tomato buds and our squash looks like a little turtle heads coming out of it. The herbs are doing the best! We have had a few fights about who's turn it is to water. I only wish they liked to clean the house as much as they like to water.

I had hung one of those tomato topsy turvy????? things on my front porch. It's supposed to grow tomatoes like crazy out of it. I had my brother get it off the porch. We were going to hang it in the garden. We were not surprised there were no tomatoes growing in it. What there was in it were five tiny bird eggs. So we put it back on the front porch so the Mama bird would be able to find it. I was worried that the Mama would not come back since we touched it. I walked out to the porch and stuck my whole face right in the top of this thing to check on the eggs! Dumb I know! The Mama bird flew right up in my face scared the shit out me. Damn, if those secret cameras I say we have everywhere were true I could have been a "you tube" sensation. I screamed, I bounced, I jumped up and down wiping my face off as if a swarm of bees were attacking me. Very dramatic I must say. I looked ridiculous which is really a common thing lately.

I went on a class field trip with Aidan to the Pounder house in Dripping Springs. It was at 9am which means I did not get my morning nap. The things I do for these people. Now the Pounder house is a small ass house pretty much made out of stone and concrete. The Pounder family lived their with their seven children it was built in 1854. When I say it was small it's SMALL. While we toured they talked about how the house had no electricity and no plumbing. Holy crap can you imagine????? Seven kids, No bathroom, no where to get space, growing your food, no TV. I don't know if I would have survived! For some reason I picture myself in one of those God awful prairie dresses wondering around the grounds aimlessly with a kid on my hip and a bottle of booze in my hand. Aidan who is my one child who listens to everything... had his mouth hanging open through the whole tour. He just can't believe kids actually had to work to keep their house running, not to mention the only thing to do in that house for entertainment was piano. The most interesting thing about the tour was the descendants of the Dr Pounder lived in the house till 1983. Yes, with No electricity or plumbing. I wonder what kind of funky stuff they were smokin??? No offence at all to the Pounder Family or Dripping Springs...just a joke. I know how sensitive people can be.

Erckle here placed sixth in the district meet! I don't get the glasses thing at all. I guess I should feel good that he has enough confidence to rock these. Looking back at some of my looks from my youth I don't get either. When I think back to middle school for me the first thing that comes to mind is....."I want my MTV"! My middle school days were the equivalent to bad hair, too much makeup, bad clothes, shoulder pads, high wasted stone washed jeans, and bad first kisses. What was with the layered clothes for girls back then???? I had a skinny ass figure and couldn't even show it off! I was lookin hot back in those days, I kind of resembled Sean Cassidy. I'm serious....I'm going to post a picture later. I loved me some Kirk Cameron back in my day. I think the worst part about that time is all the guys with long hair and makeup!!!!!

Aidan is going to be in a musical this week. The theme is Seussical. I received an E-mail from the school that said he needed to dress up like a Dr Seuss character. I ran around everywhere looking for a big blue wig and some footy red PJ's. With No luck since it is not Halloween time I compromised. I made my own wig and doctored up a plain red t-shirt. I call Aidan down to surprise him with my masterpiece. He tries it on and gets this strange look on his face. I think it's because he doesn't like it. I ask him what's up. He tells me he is supposed to dress like a piece of dust. I think he is pulling that out of his ass because he does not like the master piece I have created. I say......A piece of dust is not a Dr Seuss character. He tells me they are doing Horton hears a who. Well the "WHO" is a piece of dust! For Pucks sake! So I ask him why are you telling me this the night before?????? I have spent two days tracking the perfect get up down. I tell him I'm calling the teacher to tell her he is coming as "THING 2". He looks at me shakes his head and says....please don't...she scares me. Well this means nothing to me everyone and everything scares Aidan. Mark my words he's wearing that outfit!

I titled this post "Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs" for a reason. It's just how I have felt lately. Cloudy every day and then it seems like a meatball falls from the sky and hits me in the head once in a while. Maybe it's the fact that I broke a mirror the other day and I am cursed with seven years of bad luck. Gosh I sure hope that's not the case. Here's an example of cloudy. I just got the boys Thank you cards in the mail from their B-day today April 14th. Their birthdays were in FebruKerry. Now lets look at a meatball. I went to the bank yesterday to cash a check.

I'm in the drive through. The girl says....Do you have an account with us. I say yes. I give her some more info. She comes back and says....I can't find you. As I'm about to be a smart ass out of the corner of my eye I see a bank of America sign. I bank at Chase! I get that panicky feeling in my stomach and politely ask for my checks back. Cloudy feeling is....when you just finish putting two loads of laundry away. It feels good. That is until you go upstairs to put it all up and come down with another full load. Just a dog chasing my tail. Meatball is....when your second grade child's teacher calls to tell you your kid had to change shirts because is was inappropriate.

Let me just say I didn't dress him that morning and the shirt was not that bad! It said the best things in life are.....Football, parties, and girls. Maybe they should focus more on all the Brittney Spear look alikes....just sayin. No offence once again to any haters. I better go before I say too much. Bye, bye, from LaLa Land! Twisted sister flies in on her broom stick this weekend.....totally looking forward to seeing her and the golden Jerk!