Did you grow a set of brass balls??

It's Cole's first year in middle school. With the start of middle school he gained a pretty big TUDE as in attitude. He has an answer for everything, not always a good one either. He seems to think I'm running a fast food drive through car pool. He pushes the envelop an awful lot. He starts fights with his big brother constantly with his smart mouth. When Blake goes after him it's hard on me. Blake is bigger than me now so I have a very hard time getting him off of him. I have found myself hiding in my closet in tears because I'm at my wits end. He is giving me a big run for the money. I hope my parents are getting a giggle. I'm finally getting what they wished on me when I gave them trouble. I have found myself saying the same kind of things I used to hate when they would say them to me. Like..."I can't wait till you have your own kids". "I hope your kid does this to you". "I hope you have a rotten kid someday". I guess he will get it when he has his own children. I just laughed as I wrote that. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

This kid has been passionate right from the start. This passion has its positives and negatives for sure. With all this being said he is also an amazing kid. He is the only one of my boys that hugs me and tells me he loves me everyday. He always knows if something is wrong and tries to help. He is a good and loyal friend. As much as he pisses me off he makes me proud too. He has a very caring heart. Now I just need to put my fighting gloves on and kick this TUDE in the ass. Cause when Mama is mad no one is happy.

It seems every time I get in the car with him he expects me to stop for food or drinks somewhere. I picked him up yesterday from school. He gets in the car and immediately starts complaining that he is starving. I tell him he can have something to eat at home. He asks me ten more times to stop. His friend is in the car too. I keep saying "NO". Then he is talking to himself out loud. Saying things like..."I can't believe my mom wants to starve me" and "SO and so's Mom would stop and get food". I'm thinking in my head..."I'd like to drop kick your ass out of my car right now and leave you on the side of the road". I don't want CPS at my door though. This talking to himself goes on and on. I finally lose my shit and yell at him. His response..."Mom, why are you so mad, all I want is some food". Really???? Kid just doesn't get it. So we drop his friend off. As soon as he gets out of the car Cole starts up. He says.."Mom, you are so embarrassing, you yelled at me in front of my friend". He tells me the kid is going to go to school and tell everyone he has the worst mom ever. I look at him and say...If your going to be the worst kid ever then I'm going to be the worst mom ever. I tell him the faster he gets that through is brain the better off we will be. That is if you don't starve to death first!!!!!!!! He looks at me and says..."Are you trying to say you want me to starve to death?". At this point I don't know if I want to scream as loud as I can or cry. He always has to have the last word. My Dad used to say one of the things that drove him nuts about me was I always had to have the last word. He said no matter how much trouble I was in I would push the envelop every time. I get all my Dads frustrations with that now. I'm paying for my raising as the old asses like to say.

Tonight he was pushing the envelope with Hubs. Hubs looks over at him and says...."Cole, stop your giving me a headache". Cole looks at him and says...."Michael, your giving me a headache too". I'm on the sofa and my mouth kind of drops open. I can't believe what he just said. I look over at Hubs who's face is about as red as a tomato. He is about to blow!!!!! I'm just going to sit back and enjoy this show for sure. I almost feel guilty that I'm going to enjoy watching this kid get his ass handed to him. After Hubs sets him straight. I go into his room. I say..."Pull down your pants". He looks at me funny probably cause I'm not a spanker. He says..."Why????". I say "I want to check if you have grown a set of brass balls".  He looks at me confused obviously my smart ass remark is over his head. He is a work in progress for sure. I have confidence that this is a middle school faze. The thing is when your kid acts up it makes you feel like your failing as a parent. I love this kid with all my heart. I'm not going to let him down.

With my little rant about him I have to say all his teachers say he is amazing. I always hear what a great kid he is. He has great manors most of the time. I believe something happens to children when they get to middle school. It's almost like an evil twin tries to take over. It's my job as a parent to put the evil twin to rest. God give me strength. I am surprised it happened right out of the middle school gate with him. This didn't start with Blake till 8th. Guess Cole didn't learn from big brothers mistakes.

Who decorates in their underwear and then Tweets it?

Who decorates in their underwear and then tweets a picture of it????????  Not to mention the ass cheek hanging out. The little girl with the birds eye view is priceless. Well that would be Hub's in those adorable little red undies. Not my Hub's thank God. That would be Mario Lopez....I know your shocked right??  Guy goes on Ellen all the time and ends up with his shirt off for some reason. You might be a narcissist if you.......want to take your shirt off on command and decorate in your undies.  I don't know about you but we always decorate for Christmas in our red panties. Red panties and Santa hats. Maybe I'll post some pictures of us like that on here. I just wish I had seen this picture before I did my Christmas cards. I would have done a card with us decorating in our undies and hats. It would say "Tis the "F"ing season bitches". It would be the kind of card that people would open and say...."WTF". I would spend my days laughing thinking about people's reactions when they opened it. I think next year I may just do a "WTF" card. Have you puked in your mouth yet??

Today I was looking forward to getting my house-TV-Computer back for a few hours.  My bubble burst when one woke up sick. I was worried since whooping cough is going around Drip. Of course he wanted to hog the TV and the computer at the same time. I told him he is not supposed to be home right now so that shit is mine.....ALL MINE! He was all like.."but I'm sick mom". I was all like..."then go to bed". We went to the Doctor in the afternoon. Thankfully it was just allergies. While we were at the Doctor waiting and waiting in the room. Aidan was acting silly. He was on the table wiggling around on that annoying paper. Anyone who has a kid knows the sound of a kid wiggling on that annoying paper. When did we become such a germ -a- phobic society?? Germs are good! We start to talk about when he was a baby. I ask if he remembers living in our old house. He says.."yep". I ask him what he remembers. He says..."I remember when there was a really bad storm and we were all in the closet under the stairs". I say..."That is your memory of our old house?". He says.."Yep". I say "how about all the good things that happened in that house??????". He then tells me how he remembers when he got really sick and threw up in his bed and how I was throwing up too. OMG, I'm raising a Debbie Downer!!!!

He looks over at me and says...."You know what else I remember?". I say "I don't know, maybe the time you fell in the driveway and got an egg size bump on your head". "Maybe the time you fell down the stairs?". "Maybe the time Grumps lost you when he fell asleep on the sofa". "Maybe the time you fell in the neighbors pool and sunk to the bottom". He starts to laugh and then says..."Did those things really happen?". I say "Yes, you don't remember that Debbie?". He laughs and says..."Grandma is Debbie". So he tells me that he remembers cheeseburgers coming down the pipe line at him and he would grab them and eat them. I'm confused as to what he is talking about. I say.."What pipe line and why were cheeseburgers coming down it to you?". Kinda of sounds like a perfect world to me. He points to his mouth and takes his finger and trails down to his belly. I say.."I'm still confused". He says..."Ya know when you were pregnant with me and you would eat cheeseburgers I would grab them and eat them". I'm  so thankful the Doctor is not in here right now!!!!!! I say.."Your so full of it". He says.."No, really". I say "Please". I tell him he is not only a Debbie but he is delusional Debbie. Then he tells me he remembers floating around in there. I go with the flow and say..."Were you bored?". He says.."No, I slept a lot, ate cheeseburgers, and drank beer". OMG, thank God the doctor is still not in here. I say.."Why were you drinking beer?". He says.."cause you were". I say "I never drank beer while I was pregnant". He says..."Why did you used to call me baby bud light then?". Holy shit, he remembers almost nothing about his childhood but he remembers being called that????? I tell him again "I never drank beer once I knew I was pregnant". Remember he was a surprise....A baby bud light surprise. Which I did call him for years until my other two started calling him that. Oh how their teachers much love me. I will never forget when I went out for dinner with Hubs and our friends. I had drank barely any beer but felt drunk as shit. I'm an Irish Catholic girl...I can drink beer like a dude. I even fell out of my friend Tom's big red truck. I was accidentally pregnant and didn't know it. My friend Janice was kind of making fun of me that night for being so drunk so fast. None of us were laughing when I found out I was pregnant and I had been drinking while pregnant.

That is a time in my life when I realized just how annoying the drunk people were. Same people were over one night. Drinking, while I laid on the couch watching shit TV. They were at my kitchen table. My girlfriend could do this crazy monkey face that was funny as shit when we were drinking. So the guys were trying to talk her into doing the monkey face. She didn't want to do it. They kept saying over and over and over and over. "Do the monkey face, Do the monkey face, Do the monkey face". I was screaming in my head...Do the "F"ing monkey face and shut them up". Otherwise I'm going to get out my bitch face and y'all are not going to like it!!!! Damn hormones!!!!

Speaking of hormones these hot flashes are killing me!!!!!! I mean how embarrassing when your at the HEB check out counter and sweat starts running down your face as if you were just running a marathon. I'm trying to secretly rub it away while visions of naked snow angels are in my head. I mean really...I'm only 42 years old!!!!!! This is some Karma bullshit or something. I have said this on here before, it pisses me off. I'm supposed to be in that prime time in my life, the time where you crazy love sex and can't get enough. I can't get enough of sticking my head in my freezer a lot! I think I skipped right over prime time and ended up in an "I'm hot as shit world". Not the good hot as shit world either. Sex to me is like hurry up your making me hot in the not so hot way. The damn belly fat you get in mental pause is for the birds too. I think I'm at the point where I might get those creams that all the much older people than me talk about!!! Anywho, my grammar probably sucked, spelling, run-ons and what not. I blame mental pause or possibly Catholic school. It is what it is and I'm hot..bout to put my head in my freezer for the 10th time today! Then I will go to sleep but really can't sleep cause of mental pause!!!!!! Did I say this sucks?????

If only we could freeze time.

 We spent Thanksgiving in Dallas. We lived there until we moved here in 2007. This picture brings so many emotions up. We lived in the greatest neighborhood ever before we moved here. Every time we go there we stop by the old hood. Oh my how the kids have grown....and the trees! We lived in the kind of neighborhood you dream about. The kids all got along, the parents all got along, and the dogs all got along. I never lived in a neighborhood like this before and haven't since. You walked in and out of the houses as if they were your own. We raised our kids together almost like a team. We spent Friday nights in a drive way drinking beer, letting the kids play, and having good conversation. I miss this part of my life probably more than anything. We had good times together for sure. We also had a few bad times. We lost an amazing neighbor in a tragic accident right before we moved. We all stuck together through everything though. I wish sometimes that I could go back and freeze time for a while. My plan was to live there forever because almost everything was perfect. Sometimes God has a different plan though.

 I went into my vault of pictures....and there is a huge vault. Looking for some pictures of the kids I no longer recognize including my own. The memories of this time in my life flood my brain. We brought Cole home to that house when he was just a month old. We all had nicknames for each other before we got to know one another. Well at least Christi Huff did. We were known as "The boat people". That is because Hubs stuffed a boat in our garage that my car never saw. I still have a boat in my garage. We all became fast friends. We always had each others backs from that time on. We saw the hood change through the years. There were breakups, makeups, parties...lots of parties, we rocked it there at Halloween....most of us anyway, some moved away, one passed away, we lost parents together, we raised our kids together, and we just plain all got along great together. I had the biggest surprise of my life there. That would be Aidan who is now nine. Best surprise I ever got...even if it took a while to be happy about. I found out I was sick with MS in that house. That was a very dark time in my life. My friends there were my rock and got me through that. I will never forget that. Times like those are the times when you really get who your friends are. They are with you through the good and bad.

 We lost my father in law when we lived there. A lot of my best memories of him were in that house. He loved that neighborhood and got along great with my neighbors. Everyone of them came to his service. They all helped out when he was sick. They would watch my kids in a second when I needed help.

 We spent lots of holidays together. Almost all when I think about it. This was a once in a lifetime kind of neighborhood. There were bonds made there they can't be broken. I look forward to going there every time we visit Hubs family. I miss that time in my life all the time.

It's funny because on our Friday night driveway beer nights. We used to laugh with our neighbor Aldo across the street. They had two girls, one a year older than Blake and one a year younger than him. We talked about how when they got older if they dated it might ruin our relationship. We talked about the parties they would throw behind our backs. Aldo worried that Blake would be the kid that jumped from his roof to the pool!!! That is funny now since he recently jumped from a roof and broke his jaw in two places. Well it's not that funny since that cost me an arm and a leg as the old asses would say. This last picture cracks me up. The girl Rachel who is towering over Blake is only a year older than him. If you scroll back to the first pic he finally caught up to her. He is standing right next to her in that pic. I can't even believe those two are a year apart in this pic.

I left that part of my life kicking and screaming for a reason. I just knew I had stumbled on something rare. In a perfect world I could take all those perfect people with me. We not only left them but we left Hubs family behind. You don't truly understand how important all these people are until their not right there. I already said it but I will say it again...I miss that time in my life. Thank you to all the Shoal Creek peeps for my favorite memories.

There were the Huffs.....Who made me laugh out loud so many times. Their kids were older so I took many good pointers from them. They raised some pretty perfect kids....I may cuss them from time to time in my head....It's just that green monster...There were the Ken and Gina who had an almost sick like perfect marriage....Yes we all might of been green. Plus they raised an amazing kid. There was Christy and Aldo....They had the most beautiful girls who just get more pretty. We had so many great times with them. We talk about them and think of them often. There was Todd and Christina...they moved across the street later but fit right in right away. They have been here many times. There was Kevin and Lisa, Kevin passed away right before they were to marry. We think about him all the time.  We have some amazing memories of our times with him. There was Cary and Ryan....Who were so young! They lived next door for a while. They moved away and had a beautiful daughter. There was Jon and Lisa...who had a son that rocked Ty die for a very long time. They are great people! Aidan loved Jon and would just walk in their house to "Play" with Jon! I think he thought Jon was a kid. Then there was Cindy and Steve. They are probably some of the greatest people I have ever met. They had one daughter Rachel who turned out to be a beautiful young lady. Steve was the ring leader for any party in the hood. Cindy became one of my best friends and still is. They are just good people to the core. There are others but these are the ones on my mind for sure. When I wrote this my eyes got teary just a few times. I'm lucky that I still talk to every one of these people. Our lives have all changed through the years but we all made that bond you can't break. These people to me were some of the greatest people in the world. The people I'm proud to call my lifetime friends! Miss you Shoal Creek! I wish we could go back and have one of those driveway nights!

"You threw my jacket away didn't you???"

 So tomorrow is pajama day at the middle school. We own three pair of footy pajamas....Don't ask! Cole finally settled on the perfect pair after sending pics to his friends. Two of his friends want to borrow the other pairs. I tell Cole that's fine but I want them back. These are my get out of jail free pajams for Gods sake. He is like...."Of course your going to get them back, what are you saying my friends are thieves?". I say.."Um No Drama King, but a few of your friends I see around town in your good clothes". Just saying! He starts to argue and I shut his little dramatic ass down.

 Cole lost his phone last night which turned into a big fight about not being responsible. He actually told me to get my panties out of my wit. After I laughed in my head. Hoping "Wit" doesn't mean what it sounds like. I told him he needed to learn his smart ass phases before he opened his mouth because he sounds like a nit wit. Then I sent him to bed with no dinner. Well he already had dinner but it sounded good. He complained and talked to himself all the way to bed. I did the naaa, naaa, naaa, boo, boo, I can't hear you thing.

Hub's put a tracker on his phone so we were able to track it down. We went to pick it up and the cover was cracked. I asked him if he did that. He responds with a..."Yeah, but your lucky". I think this should be good. I ask.."how it happened and why would I be lucky?".  He tells me he was playing ball and it was in his hand. He then says when he caught the ball it fell. I ask again..."Why would I be lucky because of this?". He says because if it fell the other way it would have cracked the phone. So I say...."Your telling me that you cracked your case and because you didn't crack the phone I'M LUCKY??????". He says..."Yep". I tell him he may want to re think that statement. I tell him first of all....why the H E double hockey sticks would you catch a ball with a phone in your hands?????? Second....Why would you possibly say I was lucky your phone didn't crack????? You are damn lucky your phone didn't break. Third.....Your frickin lucky you have a phone with your new found middle school bad attitude. Last if you don't change your new found tude the phone is mine!!!!!!!!! Yea my head was spinning at this point and green shit was flying out of mouth. SILENCE, CRICKETS!!!!! That is what I thought!!!!! Then he started to cry as if I was the one who was out of line!!!!!!! Lets just say He's not my favorite kid this week.

See this nifty jacket I'm wearing in the picture???? This is Hub's old ass jacket he can't seem to part with. He has had it since we met when dinosaurs walked the earth. I have threatened to get rid of it a few hundred times. I have refused to leave the house with him in it a few times too. So the other night I was watching shit TV. He comes out and says...."Where is my green jacket????". Where is my anything is an immediate buzz kill in my house. I have the same response I always do. It goes something like..."It aint my shit how would I know where it is?". He is like..."No, really Kerry where is it?".  I say...."Really Michael, it's not my shit I wouldn't be caught dead in it, and I have no idea". He looks at me and says "You threw my jacket away didn't you?". I look up and him and say "the thing should be burned, it's not even good enough for coats for kids, and it probably sprouted legs and walked out of here". He says "Your not funny Kerry, I know you got rid of it". I may have yelled......"I didn't get rid of your old ass jacket that is probably tired of being worn anyway". He leaves in a huff and I can finally un pause my DVR!

So tonight Cole is picking out clothes for an after school dance. We kind of end up having a similar conversation as Hub's and I. I won't bore you with the details of that one. Since we are in a rental we have crap in every closet. I tell him to check the closet in the room with the boxes for a shirt. I end up checking the closet.....surprise, surprise! While finding his nice polo, I also find Hub's gross jacket. Now Hubs is over at our old neighbors house having a beer. I have Blake take this picture of me on my camera phone. I send it to Hubs with a ransom note!!!! I may just be an evil genus....It sounds nicer than evil bitch anyway! His response......."Your such a shit bird Kerry". WTF...is a shit bird?????

Tis the "F"ing season..

 So I'm having one of those days!!!! The kind where you think in your head the whole day...tis the "F"ing season! I think we have all forgot the meaning of Christmas in my house. Including me. Aidan spent his morning on line shopping for shit he would have no idea existed. Yeah for "Google"...Tis the season. Kids can find anything and everything on line. Cole came home from a sleepover and wanted to have all the kids at our house all day....tis the season. Before I even answer him about his friends coming over. He says...."Now Mom don't embarrass me by saying No, I need my friends to know they are welcome in the rental". Are you kidding me kid?????? His friends have been over here a bunch already!!!!!! How soon they forget! And of course they all came over.

So when we moved to the rental we also got a storage unit. I told Hub's to put all the Xmas stuff at the front so we could have easy access. Did he listen??? Hell No!  And they wonder why we tell them they don't listen all the time....they don't!!!! While outside trying to put up the Xmas decorations we could get to. My neighbor walks over. He says..."I have a gift for you". I say.." A cold beer?". When he doesn't crack a smile I think damn my kids have pissed him off already. He hands me a baseball. The first thing that goes through my head is my kids broke a window. I take the ball and say "thanks for returning this". He then says.."That ball scared the crap out of my wife when it hit our house". I say.."OMG, I'm so sorry". He tells me she is still frazzled. I tell him I will tell the kids to be more careful. He says..They are not used to having kids next door and are not trying to be crabby about it. I tell him I understand and I feel awful since balls over the fence caused an all out war in my last neighborhood. He then goes into the things that could have happened with that ball. He tells me it could have broke a window and then it would be uncomfortable for us to live by each other. He tells me it could have hit his cat who hangs in the backyard frequently. (Probably to get away from him) He tells me it could have broke his fence which might cause his cat to get out and get eaten by a coyote. Seriously???? I say.."I'm so sorry, I assure you if they ever broke a window we would pay for it". As all this is going on Aidan walks by. I call him over. I tell him to tell the nice man that he is sorry about the ball hitting his house. I ask the man to tell Aidan his concerns about the balls. He says again to me that he is not trying to be the grumpy kid hating neighbor. He then says again how frazzled his wife is. I tell him no worries the kids annoy the shit out of me too and Xanex helps. No crack of a smile or a laugh. Batting a thousand here. So I say goodbye and ask if him if his wife enjoyed that lasagna I sent over last week. He says.."oh yes, it was great, Thank you".  I say.."good",  thinking in my head it's the last one.  Tis the season...the season of giving, love, and pure joy.

 So I go back to work on my decorating. I'm singing "Your happy and ya know it clap your hands". We are all going in and out of the house with the decorations. Ziggy the perfect dog gets out right as some family is walking by with there dog. Now Ziggy crazy loves other dogs so he B lines for them. The guy most dramatically picks up his rather large dog and says..."Can you get your dog?". I run over to get Ziggy telling him he loves dogs and is very friendly. The guy says.."Do you not have a leash for him?". I explain that I'm not out walking him he just escaped. I'm kicking ass, taking names, and making no friends here yet. Tis the season! I guess all those great cookies and home baked goods I have been patiently waiting for to welcome me to the hood are not coming after all! Now I'm singing that Kenny Chesney song in my head."Whatever makes you feel like a rock star".

Before we piss off any more neighbors I think we need to get out of here and get Xmas card photos. So we head to downtown Drip. My kids act like complete jerks during the whole shoot. How I managed to get a few good shots is beyond me....Tis the season. BTW, Xmas cards are super expensive and a pain in the ass to make.

This last picture is taken in our new neighborhood. They have a great covered bridge there. They look cute right??? Don't let them fool you they acted like complete assholes through this whole thing! We will be living there in nine long months if we survive building my/our dream home. I hope the people there love kids, drink, and pop Xanex like candy. I hope I get cookies and fresh baked good to welcome me too. Not bitter..just saying!

After our photo shoot we stop for gas. There is a taco bell connected to the gas station. My kids do think every time we get in the car we need to stop for fast food. As much as I try to break them of this I'm tired and lazy tonight. I go in taco bell to get food while Hubs fills the car up. I run into an old neighbor. She looks fricken fantastic. She is telling me about another neighbor who just filled for divorce. We talk about another neighbor who is doing great after her divorce. I say..marriage is so hard. So hard to live with anyone. She then tells me her divorce was just final. I say..I had no idea. She tells me she told Hubs months ago. I'm not surprised he didn't tell me. He never tells me anything except when he wants some. We say our goodbyes and I go to the car. I'm thinking jeez lots of divorces...I was just informed of another last night while having dinner.

I get in and tell Hubs who I ran into. I say.."you did not tell me she was divorcing". He says..."I'm not a chick, my life doesn't revolve around gossip". I get that but I'm surprised he never said anything. This sparks a very inappropriate conversation between us. I say.."do you ever notice how great divorced women look?". He says.."Not really". I say..."They look all refreshed, happy, and younger". He says.."they are probably doing all that shit you want, the botox and fillers crap. I say.."Lots of people are doing that....I tell him he needs to put me in the shop because I'm going to be the only women here that does not have a surprised look on my face". I will have that mad mommy face if he doesn't see the light soon. I say...."I don't know after today every other weekend and naked bed angels sound pretty good to me". He looks at me and says...."What are you trying to say because we are about to build our last house together?". I say..."well I did birth three kids of yours and I was let go of a very good job since you became a regional manager". No going away party after over ten years...not bitter...just saying! I tell him he would not only owe me child support but we're in Texas yeah for alimony. He looks at me and says.." ya know I have had my best year ever here and have you even said a thing about it?". I say.." your a rock star really". He then says..."if you think naked bed angels are your thing then you need to tell me before we build this house". I say..."nope I'm too lazy to get a real job and the grass may be greener on the other side for a while but it all ends up brown in the end". He looks at me and says..."your a true romantic baby". We do laugh in the end.

I do have to say I feel us women get the shaft as far as being labeled high maintenance. I think our guys are high maintenance. A way to a man's heart is through cuddling, compliments, and sex! If you do those things they will never look elsewhere. And they call us high maintenance...all I want is a great pair of boots!

Life is short

So Hub's got wind that I told some people about my little accident. So he is all like..."KERRY, why would you tell people about shitting yourself?". I say..."Cause shit stories are funny as shit". He is like..."I think your the only one who thinks that is funny". I say.."No, everyone I told thinks it's really funny. He says.."If I were you I would have kept that shit to myself". Then he says.."they don't think it's funny, they think your ridiculous and they are laughing at you". I say..."No, they are laughing with Me". There is a difference. So I get a picture text from my brother in law. It says something about gambling on a fart and not shitting your pants. I show Hub's the picture when we get home from a friends house. He is like how does Joey know???? I say "he must have read the blog". He looks at me horrified and says..."you blogged about it?". I say again..."yes, shit stories are funny, I have never heard one that didn't make me belly laugh". He says.."I can't believe you blogged about that". He says.."A lot of people read your blog, what are you thinking?". I say again..."Shit stories are funny". He says.."It's not funny it's embarrassing and people I work with read your blog". He asks...if I'm embarrassed facing people who now know what happened. I say.."No I was sick, it was awful but all you can do is laugh at something like that. Plus as a result I heard another persons belly laughing shit story. He says.."I'm not laughing". Then he rolls his eyes and goes to bed. Get out of jail free card for me tonight if you know what I mean!

So I called Mom...Deb Downer today. She was on a Christmas house walk and told me it was funny I called because she was thinking about me. I tell her about what happened. She is belly laughing. Then she is like did you call the health department. I say.."No". She is like you need to call the health department and report that restaurant. Waaaa, waaaa, waaaaa!

When I wrote that story last night I forgot to include a funny part of the story. I raced home to beat everyone. When I got there the dog met me at the door. I walked carefully to the bathroom. He followed me sniffing me like crazy. I couldn't get him away from me. I wonder what he was thinking. Maybe something like...."what's this???? My mom normally smells good, what happened to her". I didn't even know how to start to clean this up. I got into the shower in my clothes. Stripped down in the shower while the dog sat outside the shower watching with this weird face. I ended up throwing my clothes away.

I have to tell you about the funny text going back and forth between my twisted sister and me during this situation. Every stop light I was at I text Kelly to get my mind off of this.

My text....I crapped in my pants
Kelz...No way! Where are you???
My text...In my car
Kelz...On your way where??
My Text..I was at the outlets. So I have an hour drive home.
Kelz.....OMG
My text...I know!
Kelz..Holy shit
My text...Shut up!
Kelz....Diarrhea???
My text..YES, lots!
Kelz...What are you going to do with it????
My text...Drive home...what can I do???
Kelz.....How many times is that for you now???
My text...shut up...I smell really bad!
Kelz....You need to blog about it!

My other friend I called keeps texting me. All her text say is hello, POO, POO! My text back to her say...ASSHOLE!

Life is short...I was reminded of that tonight. I was at a dinner with friends. I found out that a wonderful lady I know lost her husband in a tragic accident. It took me by surprise because I had not heard about it before tonight. My heart really breaks for her and her family. I can't get her out of my mind. If your reading this please say a prayer for her and her family. They have three daughters and the story is awful and heartbreaking. It just puts stuff back into perspective for sure. We can't take life for granted. A single moment can change everything for sure. I think we forget that sometimes when we sweat the little stuff. There are so many people out there going through awful things. My thoughts and prayers are with her tonight.

On a final note....I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with my shitty story. Hub's makes me re think it. I think if I can't laugh about it I might have cried about it! I think it's better to laugh...Maybe a little TMI though. I do have a better shitty story from years ago but I don't want to send Hubs over the edge. It is kind of ironic that the night before this happened my last statement on this blog was....I either need to shit or get off the pot! I hear you universe loud and clear! I shit now I need to get off the pot! I just wish the universe was hearing my unlimited money for me thing. Hello Universe I will say it again...I want perfect kids and unlimited funds.

We bought a lot!

 So we finally bought a lot so we could build our/my dream house. We bought a lot in Howard Ranch. It's funny because shorty after I came here kicking and screaming I came across this neighborhood but we already had bought a home. I was attracted to this neighborhood right away. So much so that I have driven through it for the last six years every time I passed it. It is one of those neighborhoods that just seemed like a blast from the past. The homes in there look like homes from he early 1900's. Front porches, screened porches, gas lights, and a beautiful covered bridge. The picture above will be the view from the front of our/my dream home. I'm super excited even though it will take about nine months to build and move in there. I feel like I'm birthing a perfect baby except I can drink! We may have over paid a bit for our lot but I feel this is where we are supposed to be. I picked a great floor plan...courtesy of my bestie Erin. We are tweaking it a bit so an architect is working on it as I write. Hubs and I went head to head on what we wanted. We thought we had come to reasonable terms. That was until we met the architect in front of the property. The day we met her it was cold. We all ended up in Hub's truck talking about it. She was making suggestions and I was all like...Yes, yes. yes! Hub's was all like how much more will that be and no, no, no! I told Hub's he was the one who made me move out of my last dream house so this one was going to be exactly the way I wanted. The problem is Pinterest has rocked my beer budget to a champagne one. We ended up having words in front of her. She seemed totally annoyed with us. I said "Sorry" when we all got out of the truck. All she said was she was used to it and had seen worst. She hasn't seen anything yet since this was our first meeting. If we make through this we may just be the rock stars of marriage.

This will be our backyard. The picture doesn't do it justice. I kind of feel like it is the field where Bella first found out her Vamp looked like a diamond covered popsicle. This home we are building will be a home straight out of Southern Living magazine...really..I'm not kidding! I picked a floor plan right out of that magazine courtesy of Erin. I am putting the scary Kerry tweaks on it though! I do feel overwhelmed by the whole thing. Sometimes I think things look better in my head. They sometimes do not turn out or look like what's in my head. This scares me. I do have some great friends to put their two cents in during this. I hope it ends up being everything I see in my head. I hope I'm still married at the end of this too. Hub's and I have built two homes together and bought a third home together. The first was no problem. We had no extra money to do anything but build that bitch. So there were no fights. Our first mortgage was less than our last houses tax bill per month. Life was carefree back then. Our second house we had very little extra cash to do upgrades so we added wood floors...no brainer. We did end up putting extra money into that house through the years. Like the brand new carpet upstairs we put in two weeks before Hub's got transferred. I guess it made the house sell in three weeks! Our last house was truly amazing. I have said it on here before..I never thought I would own a house like that. We did some great things to it as well. Stone walls and great shutters come to mind. I don't miss the house as much as I thought I would. We did get out with our down payment but all the extras we ate for sure. I have big ideas for this house...the kind that has Hub's urging me to get a job. Like I said I hope we make it. This is the first house that we will truly design for us.

So today I met one of my old besties for lunch and some outlet shopping. We met when I worked as a sales person for Havertys. I was about 26 at the time. I had just had the not so charming prince. She used to babysit for him. Long story short we became fast friends did things I can not blog about. I set her up with her husband and they now have two kids. There is a big long crazy history between us. So anyway we ate lunch at a place she picked...you'll understand this later in the story. We ate our lunch and then shopped. I was supposed to be Xmas shopping. Which I did a little bit of. Then we ended up in Black house White Market...I Xmas shopped for myself in there....so did she...just saying! We then headed to the loft which had nothing this time. I told her I wanted to head over to Kirklands since they took all these out of Austin. I was in line with at least 70 dollars worth of stuff when I got a cramp. The line was long so I put my stuff down and looked for a bathroom. I saw a restaurant and ran to it. It was vacant. I saw another restaurant and ran to it...It was not open. I ran and I mean ran back to my car. My friend was in the parking lot. She was like "Are you leaving me?". I said I need a bathroom fast. She said there is a bathroom over there. She pointed to a car ride away. I said I would meet her there.

I believe I had food poisoning from Logan's. I had to call her to say I was going home cause I didn't make it. Hub's did save 70 plus dollars I had to leave at the Kirklands counter.  All she did was laugh at me. I was not laughing at this point. So I drove home. I happened to be an hour away from home. Long drive just saying. I text my sis because I knew she would get a laugh. I called one of my raunchy friends because I knew I could laugh with her all the way home. Sweat covered my face, I feared getting into an accident or being pulled over. Did I say it was the longest drive of my life???? This is the first and only time I hope something like this happens to me! I call Hub's to find out where he is. He is at our old neighbors house. I tell him to take his time coming home. I'm cutting it close to when the middle and HS kid gets home. I call both of them to see where they are. I'm about ten minutes ahead of everyone. My friend calls me to tell me she too feels sick...no shit! I get home and run to the shower. While I'm in there Hub's and the kids come home. They are all yelling what's that smell. I say don't ask...really!!!!!! They figure out what happened. Hub's is not concerned that I'm sick with food poisoning. He is worried about the car. It does smell bad but geez! My kids can not stop laughing. But geez, I was sick, really sick..now feeling like fool.

I get all cleaned up and we head to Aidan's baseball party. Still not feeling right I go with the flow. We have a great time. Aidan takes a friend home for a while. When it's time for him to leave we take Dads car. Cole is like are you too ashamed to take yours???? No buddy, not ashamed because I was sick just waiting for the smell to go away. Now don't be laughing too hard at this story. This happened to a friend of mine about a year back. When she told me I belly laughed for weeks/months/ a year at her. Karma is a bitch! My grammar sucks for sure I'm too sick too proof read. All I have to say to at this point is life can be shitty!