Pedi anyone????

My Mom. my Sister, and I head out for a ladies night. We are going to start our night with a pedi. Now I have never had a pedi in my life. Being a stay at home Mom I like to dress up when I go out. I put on a cute black sundress.

My sister calls and asks the nail place if they can get three of us in at 6 O'clock. When we get there they only have two people working the joint. We all got pedies but one had to wait. There is a guy and a girl working there. The guy takes me and the girl takes my sister. My Mom at least gets to sit in the massage chair while she waits. So never having a pedi I didn't know that you sit in giant massage chairs. I'm up in the chair and my boobs are jiggling like jello. I might have rethought this sundress because I think I could have knocked someone out with these knockers. The guy in his ever so typical nail house accent kept telling me how beautiful I was. What kills me though is he keeps the compliments coming strong and then turns to the girl and starts that heee yuckkkk whaaa faaaa yaaa whaaa language. I know damn well he is totally talking shit about me! Right about now he is telling her look at this bitches boobs jiggling like Jello???? Do you think those are hers???? She who has said absolutely nothing thus far starts her blaaa, rahhh, haaa, back at him. Now my guess she is saying something like I wonder which one of the bitches is younger, then she probably tells him Kelly's feet smell like hell. The chairs we are in sit up way high so the guy has a birds eye view of my hot pocket as Chelsea Handler would say. He keeps jacking my leg up higher probably trying to get a view. Thank God all I have done is eat pizza and gyros so my thighs are touching. He looks over at his nail partner who has nothing to say and starts the raaa, mahhhh, shaaaa, waaaa, taaa, language again. Now my guess would be is telling his partner that my feet are gross and they are in bad shape because I have never had a pedi. Then he turns to me and tells me how beautiful I am. It cracks me up because you go in there expecting to pay 20 bucks and they keep hitting you up for extra salt treatments and bullshit. The subject of kids comes up and I tell him I have three. He then tells me he can't believe I have three kids because I look so good. He tells me I don't look old enough to have three and I look like I'm in my twenties. Now I do think I look ok for forty but I have seen the twenties people and I know damn well I don't look like that. He then turns to his nothing to say partner and starts that blaa, yaa, haaa, waaaa, crap. You know he is saying thank God this girls thighs are touching because I don't want to see a hot pocket that had three boys come out of it! He turns back to me and starts to tell me how he once had a kid and a wife but they died. As he is telling me this he is getting tears in his eyes. Now I feel horrible I hate to hear things like this, my heart breaks for him. GEEZ, though has the guy ever heard there is a time and a place for that kind of talk. It's ladies night I want to be in a happy place. After I tell him 100 times how awful that is, he tells me he has a surprise for me. I should have known this is never a good thing. He starts to paint flowers on my toes and bedazzles them. Now I really didn't come in here for flowered bedazzled toes but I feel bad after his story and I just don't want to say anything. I'm finally done and I go to pay! The surprise is on me alright because he charged me extra for those flowered bedazzled toes. All I really wanted was pretty pink toes not this bedazzled crap. Now I want to say something like screw you, you just lost that extra five I had to pay on your tip. I pay and give him the appropriate tip because I'm just too nice. Lesson learned, I will have my toes done again but I will be smarter about the extras! My 20 dollar pedi turned into a 40 dollar pedi. It's funny how they kiss your a$$ while their doing your toes and when your done it's obvious they want to get you a$$ out of there. Mind you the whole time we were getting our nails done they had some crazy program on the TV with insects eating each other! Would a little reality TV be to much to ask for 40 dollars??????

BEDAZZLED!

After our toes we head out for a great dinner together! Of course once again the only eye candy in the place are the two gay guys that seated us! All I have to say is it was fun not hanging with the people I live with.

More Chicago

That damn Banana you can't take him anywhere!

This picture the boys were digging in all the crap in my parents basement and came up with these. The funny thing about this picture is my youngest looks just like Hubby in these glasses. He wore glasses at this age and Aidan is a dead ringer! Now this is the only one of my kids who is a dead ringer for Hubby.

I just love this picture. It cracks me up that Blake and Ella look so much alike. Neither one of them look like Kelly or I so how the hell do they look so much a like???

TWINS!

I always wanted a girl! I find it unfair that I never got one. I love my baby Ella, especially since she is a dead ringer to Blake.

We are back at John Barleycorn because The Grumpy Old Guy loves the cheap prices here!

Out of all my kids Cole really loves hanging out with the family. Watch out girls he is going to be a huge shit talker! He knows exactly what to say!

I don't know why but this one won't eat the crust off things!

GO CUBS! The dog gets into CUBS get up!

OMG. This is brilliant I want this for my backyard! BTW, my people I live with are still up and I so want them to go to bed!

A hawt mess at the Cubs game

My cousin Chelsea took me to the Cubs game on the 4th of July. We left my house around 10am to drive to the L train. We got downtown around 11am and ended up in The Captain Morgan's Club. I am by no means a daytime drinker, but here I am drinking beer before noon. It's all down hill from here let me tell you. Daytime drinking and I never seem to mix.

The people watching is always great downtown. Now please when this girl looks in the mirror is she blind or ignorant???? All I can think of is WHY???????

We have great seats at the Cubs game. We have a nice shaded stop which is even better! BEER PLEASE!

I couldn't resist taking a picture of these overpriced but very yummy nachos.

We are sitting next to these guys who just turned 21. They pull a water bottle filled with whisky out of their pants. I can't believe they got it in because security is pretty tight at these games. I guess the security guy must have just thought these guys were hung really well. They were young but we had a good time hanging out with them during the game. There were three gay guys sitting in front of us that were smokin hot. When I first sat down I thought great I'm at the cubs game drinking beer without my kids sitting by some eye candy! What more could I ask for???????......How about some straight eye candy!

Feeling No pain at this point! Unfortunately the Cubs lose. What do we do???? Of course we head back to the Captain Morgan's Club. Were at the point where another drink sounds like a good idea.

We do a little bar hopping! We run into a few characters along the way.

My favorite bachelor who lives downtown meets up with us. We are way ahead of him at this point.

Once you go bear you never go back! Talk about hung.

Yes, I will take another beer! I'm not acting stupid enough yet.

Thank God we have sunglasses on in this picture. I'm pretty much cross eyed at this point. We finally get asked to leave this little bar because we are visibly drunk. Not my finest moment. We stumble over to the L train. The guy that works there tells us we are to drunk to ride the train. Seriously I thought the train was for people that wanted to drink and not drive. We go out front and I get us a cab. The cab driver turns off his meter when we get in the car because he is about to rip us off! We ask him to take us to the next L rain station. He charges us 25 dollars for a five minute ride up the street. We finally get on the L train. I feel a sense of relief come over me. I'm to old for this and I'm ready to call it a night. While on the train I talk to everyone around us because I am a big stupid shit talker when I drink to much. I manage to attract a guy I could have given birth to at 18. He wants me to come to a party with him. I tell him hell no.....your half my age. His cheezy ass response is "I will just call you Mrs. Robinson." Well let me tell you something lame brain, you ain't going to pick up many women with lines like that! When they call the next stop I'm starting to sober some and realize we got on the red line train. We are supposed to be on the blue line. I drag my cousin off the train and find someone who can tell us how to get on the right train. The guy says we have to go all the way back downtown and start over. At this point I just want to get home...I feel more deflated by the minute. Now my Dad has been calling me since about 3 O'clock asking when I'm going to be home. Yes, he may have forgotten his daughter is 40! Every time I talked to him I had every intention of leaving in an hour. Never happened of course. My IPhone died during this time so he is pretty irritated since he is still calling and he thinks I'm just ignoring him. Right before my phone died I text hubby and told him we got kicked out of a bar and weren't allowed on the train. So I'm standing there thinking I do not want to go all the way back Downtown and start this mess over again. I know damn well if we do start over we still can't drive from the train station home. So I have put my 40 year old tail between my legs and call my Dad from my cousins phone to come get us. He picks up the phone and immediately starts complaining about the fact that he has been trying to call me and I was ignoring his calls. I'm really feeling like I'm back in HS at this point. Then he starts complaining about the fact that I'm so drunk I got kicked out of a bar and the train. I ask him how the heck he knew that. Hubby called him to throw me under the bus! I ask my Grumpy old man to come get us. He of course gets right in his car to come get us. I call hubby and ask him why the hell he would tell my Dad such things about me. He tells me it's because he was trying to call after I sent him that and couldn't get me. He panicked that something bad happened so he called my Dad. I get that but for God's sake I don't really need my Dad to know I got kicked out of the bar. I still have him snowed a little bit, he does not know about my evil twin sister. I hang up with hubby and I'm standing there feeling a little sick. I'm not feeling sick because I drank to much it's because I'm scared of the Grumpy old guy coming to get me. He pulls up and I'm scared to get in the car. I'm totally rethinking this calling him thing. To my surprise he is super cool. We have to drive my cousin back to her house. I'm trying not to say to much at this point to the not so Grumpy old guy in fear I will slur the words. It is a long drive home. My Grumpy old guy does tell me he is glad I called for a ride. We finally get back to my parents house. I walk in and my sister is sitting there with a shit eating grin on her face. Even though we are grown women now, we still seem to take pleasure in seeing the other one in trouble with Dad. I'm just glad to be home!

I come home to these guys waiting up for me. My evil twin bought them these cute hats while drunk downtown. They seem to be a hit. I'm glad The Grumpy Old guy is one of the people I live with this month.

Random

This is a random entry of a few thoughts in my last few days! It is also a few funny things the kids have said. I'm supposed to be finishing my Chicago trip but I have been to tired to put the effort into it.

A few days ago Aidan my youngest asked me if I thought God was going to do something bad to him. I asked why he thought God would do something bad to him. He tells me he does not want to go to church because it is soooo boring. I have to laugh because I went to Catholic school and I relate to exactly what he is talking about at his age.

FOOTBALL
Now I know I live in Texas now and football is a big thing out here but I still just don't get it. My middle child Cole loves football. He is of course on the football team. I don't get to go to many of his games because I run my other two children to their soccer crap and games all the time. Hubby does the football stuff. I don't get why a nine year old needs to practice 3 hours a night every night of the week in 100 degree weather. I was at my doctor the other day and asked him what he thought about kids practicing in full gear in the heat of the summer. His response was "don't get me started on Texas sports in general". So anyway I'm at my nine year old practice because hubby has softball. I'm sitting there watching and thinking wow SOME of these Dad's are either trying to make their kids into something they could never be and the others are trying to make their kids into what they were and the kid has no interest. At one point someone is yelling at the kids so bad that I have the instinct to get up and yell......" Get your fat ass up and lets see what you got". I talk myself of the ledge and realize thank God hubby does the football stuff. If I did my name would be shit in this small Texas town I live in. This entry is in no way meant to offend any football people it is just my opinion. Hubby and me don't see eye to eye on this matter at all. He says it builds character and promotes discipline. My Mom on the other hand totally had my back when I'm complaining but she always goes to the dark side with the whole thing. She tells me things like "you know kids die from playing football". "you know he could have a heart attack or heat stroke, it happens". Now my sister and me have this running joke that my Mom makes Debbie downer sound positive. We could be telling her a happy story and she will have some tragic story of what could have gone wrong. I blame her 100 percent for my fear of things going south. I love my Mom, no offence to her it's just how she is.

So tonight I got sucked into the housewives on BRAVO. I can't decide if I want to be one or strangle one. I am a TV junkie at heart but I can't believe some of the shit I get sucked into. What a total waste of good exercise time.....LOL!

After watching four damn episodes of the housewives, Kathy Griffin comes on. Aidan is playing his I-pod in the corner. Kathy says something about Oprah being fat. Aidan looks up at me and says "OHHHHH, Oprah is not going to be happy about this one". At this point I'm just happy that hubby is in bed and didn't hear that one. I love that my kids love Oprah but hubby and me don't see eye to eye on that either!

On a final note I just love when Aidan says Mom followed by a "I know you going to say NO". I just want to scream at this point......THEN DON'T ASK!

These people I live with are still up and it's pissing me off!

I could get used to living back in Chicago.

My next few entries will just give you the short and sweet version of some of the things we did in Chicago. First and foremost we saw the "bird"! Now the bird is what we call Ella my sweet niece. We picked up this annoying habit of pet naming people from my Mother. She used to call us things like Pork Chop, eirdy birdie, Co Joe the Indian boy, sweet pea, Pork pie, koo koo bear, erdest B erdest and his sister Elvira, string bean, and boogie baby. These are not your average Joe pet names. So we were ruined at an early age and now our children have to pay the price with these crazy names. Now Ella is just a year old and she has had an array of pet names such as Pirate girl, Ella B, Birdie girl, The bird, Ella Bella, and I'm sure there will be many more where those came from.

My Dad had a coupon for John Barleycorn in Schaumburg. We head out for a family dinner. BTW, coupons seem to make the grumpy old guy very happy. Just look at his smile. The bill comes and Dad has a strange look on his face. He tells me the bill is not high enough. WHAT???? So lets pay it and get the hell out of here before they realize they gave us the wrong bill is what I think. The girl comes back and says she made a mistake on the bill. The bill comes back even lower than the first time. She tells him she forgot to take off his 20percent coupon. The girl walks away and Dad says she left things off the bill. I look at him and tell him to pay it and lets blow this pop stand. He has to think this over because he is to honest for his own good. He pays it and about a hour after we get home he is still trying to figure why the bill was so low. He ends up calling the place to find out about specials. Turns out all three kids eat free before six, appetizers are half off before six, and cocktail are half off before six. I never seem to go to dinner before seven thirty myself. I may be on to some money saving ideas hanging with the old peeps who eat way to early.

These two Grandparents have no idea what they are in for living with these guys for five weeks! Lets take another picture at the end of our stay and see how happy they look.

The boys love to play hockey with the boy who lives down the street from my parents.

We have lots of fun visiting all our family in Chicago. This is my Aunt Beth, who is married to my Uncle Jim, who is my Dad's brother, who also Dad to my cousins Kyle and Kacy! Did you get all that???? They always have us over when we are there for dinners and lunch. They even took the boys over night which is great for me! While I'm doing this entry I'm eating Hostess powdered donuts.....damn they are good! I forgot I hadn't had these in years.

The bird gets sick a few days after we are there. The Doctor says she has foot, mouth, and something disease. Me I have three kids and I haven't heard of this. She really is a trooper even though she feels bad.

My parents go out to celebrate their 42nd anniversary. Now that's a very long time to be with the same person. I am always amazed by people that can stay married so long. While we were there Aidan asked my Dad if his job was to be Grandma's maid. Now this is something that I have wanted to point out a time or two as well. I am not that brave though. I don't think I would have gotten the same little smile Aidan got when he pointed this out. Maybe that's the key!!!! Earlier that day we were visiting my sick Grandma and she was telling me how my Mom and Dad were the best couple, they are so happy, and they have the best marriage. Me I have to laugh and roll my eyes. Don't get me wrong they are a great couple with a great marriage and an even greater daughter but NO ONE HAS A PERFECT MARRIAGE! My Dad even looked at me and laughed. I'm glad they are still together after all these years. Happy Anniversary!

Friday night we head to the Hoffman Fest with my Aunt Maureen, who is my Mom's sister and who is married to my Uncle Vince, who is also mother to my cousins Jennifer and Stephanie....got that???

Funnel Cake, need I say more???????

The Carnies got a hold of us. Now we are all in tears over not getting the giant stuffed toy. Well actually Blake is crying because Aidan got him in the pills. While were on the Carnies subject I really think there should be a reality show about these odd folks. Where do these people come from???? Some of them look like they are all of 14! Mary Kate Letoutneau would have a field day here. My sister of course grabs the camera so she can document my "I have failed my children miserably moment". All I can do at this point is laugh, the damage is done now! I feel for their future wives they may just be the "high maintance hoe" in the relationship.

Well looky there, is that a giant ass banana I see???? My cousin Jennifer's boyfriend gave into the little shits and God knows how much money this cost him. This of course is still not good enough because Cole is minus one giant ass stuffed toy filled with styrofoam balls! So now we have to talk Cole off the ledge. My Aunt Mo saves the day because she has a giant stuffed bear at her house that Cole can have.

Now everyone is happy for now! The banana looks happier than anyone though.

I come down for breakfast the next day and there is the happy ass banana sitting at the table.

Two spoiled rotten boys, one happy ass banana, and one giant teddy bear! What more can a girl ask for??? All I have to say at this point is my happy ass is off to the cubs game with my cousin Chelsea and no kids.....woo hoo! More to come with these people I live with and the happy ass banana in a bit!

Three boys, one Dog, one grumpy old man, and one overthinking Mama head to Chicago.

I know it's been a while since my last post but it's been a very busy summer. I don't really know where to start. On June 27th we took a very long drive to Chicago! My wonderful Dad flew in so he could help us make a 19 hour drive from Austin to Chicago. I must say he must love us to take this kind of trip with us. We were supposed to leave at 7am Sunday morning. Of course we weren't even up and moving at 7am. This was just one of the many things that did not go as planned. We ended up leaving at 9:07am. I will give you a little timeline of how the start of the trip went.
10:15 = Cole has to pee even though we told him we were not making pee stops every
hour on the hour. Just another fine example of how kids don't hear a damn thing
you say!
10:35=Aidan is starving and is going to die if he does not eat right away!
10:40=McDonald's
11:15= In front of the red box at McDonald's! I love red box for road trips.
11:19=On the road again. My Dad and I are discussing how we are going to drive as long
as we can so we can get most of the trip behind us.
2:15=We realize we are in Arkansas and we are supposed to be in Oklahoma. This is
not horrible since you can go through Arkansas to get there, it just adds more
time to the trip. I still to this day don't know how we ended up that way. Let me
just say I was not the one driving.

2:20=The dog looks half dead from the doggy Zanex I fed him. I must say I'm panicking slightly but I'm not saying anything. I really don't want to scare the kids. I keep looking back at the dog, the sad thing is he reminds me of some of my drunk friends. He has that dazed and confused look about him. His eyes are all glassed over, it's really freaky. I keep acting like I'm petting him while checking his pulse. I'm thinking surely the vet would not give me something that would kill the dog! Every once in a while his head pops up and his eyes roll back in his head and he passes right back out! I do think I have had a night or two just like this!

3:41=we stop for some gas. On our way off the highway the car does this little puttering thing. I'm a little freaked but my Dad is very calm about this. I forget that for a while because I can't help but wonder what the doggy stoner pill would do to me or better yet the kids! Just another example of having to much time to think about stupid shit.

4:30=The car is puttering again but it is getting much worst. BTW, just had this car in the shop to get checked out from top to bottom for this trip! My Dad still seems relatively calm about the whole thing.

5:15=Dead on the side of the road! Not only are we dead on the side of the road but we are on a two lane highway in Arkansas. The semi trucks are speeding by us. I have to say I have the instinct to run as far as I can away from the car. I just know a semi truck driver is going to fall asleep at the wheel and smash us. I can be a bit on the dramatic side but I think anyone would be scared at this time. You can feel my car move every time a truck goes by. We sit there for a bit and my Dad tries to restart the engine. We are moving but God help us if we have to go up hill. We can not get over 30 miles a hour! Mind you the semi trucks are still blowing by us! Kind of wishing I looked like the dog right now.

5:35=We roll and I mean roll into a cheap roadside motel. I get out of the car hoping they take dogs. When I get out there is a twenty dollar bill laying in the parking lot. I think maybe my luck is changing. Not really feeling so lucky about now.
6:00=We are checking into this cheap motel. There is a McDonald's pretty much in the parking lot, mind you that's what we had for lunch. I give my Dad the twenty and tell him to walk across to the gas station to get us some beer.

6:21=Dad comes back from the gas station empty handed. We are not only stranded in a dry county but Arkansas does not sell beer on Sunday! All I can think about is football is on Sunday, what if they run out??????

7:38=Dad getting a little grumpy and seems to be splashing his face with cold water from time to time. I don't know if it's from the fact that we have no beer or if it's the fact that he realizes his oldest has raised the biggest shit heads known to man. We still have one half dead looking dog. I'm starting to think the dog got the better end of this deal.

8:15=Remember the story of the monkeys jumping on the bed???? We have two shit heads jumping on the bed in a hot small roadside motel!
8:21=Two shit heads fighting over the bathroom in the cheap, hot, roadside motel. Now one is picking up the motel phone pretending to call the cops on his brother. One trying to feed the half dead looking dog a treat. One grumpy old man getting grumpier by the minute and one really hot room.
8:53=scrunched in a queen size bed with two stinky kids and one stoner dog. Grumpy old guy and my oldest in the bed next to us.

8:58=Watching the Kardasian's wondering why men love whiny dramatic women????

9:15=Hubby calls and can't help but jab me about driving since he wanted us to fly. I'm still cramped in the bed and I'm not really in the mood for a cheap shot right now. What is it about kids that they sleep like a fish out of water anyway?????

9:26=As I fight for covers and a small portion of the bed I'm thinking why the hell didn't we get two rooms???? BTW, all I can smell is stinky feet right about now.

10:06=Had to turn off the TV so everyone could sleep. This is big for me since I never go to bed before 1am. So I'm laying there with two floppy ass kids and a sixty pound dog laying across my feet! I'm still pulling the covers as if I was playing tug-a-war! A giant fart comes from the other bed. I'm unsure if the fart came from the grumpy old guy or the I know everything teenager. I'm just thinking please God let them fix the car fast or send me a hot vampire right away!

12:15=I wake up filled with anxiety! I think to myself I don't have time for this now. I try to go back to sleep.

6:15=Grumpy old guys takes the car to the dealership! He wants to be the first one there so we can get the hell out of here! I must say I know I'm calling my Dad a grumpy old guy but thank God he was with us. He spent hours sitting in the dealership waiting for the damn fuel pump to get fixed! I couldn't ask for a better grumpy old guy!

1:05=Dad comes back with the fixed car! We stop at the gas station and I get the kids some snacks, some drinks, and I buy myself a scratch off ticket. I'm just sure I'm going to win big after my night, it's the least God can do for me. Can you tell by the picture that the stoner dog has had enough as well???

I did give the dog another one of those pills for the rest of the trip. He lays half dead in the back of the car. I can't help but be slightly jealous. I dose off for a bit dreaming about the could of, should of, would of kind of things! I'm dreaming or shall I say fantasizing about being on an island with my half dead billionaire hubby. Then I'm dreaming about being on the bachelorette with 25 crazy guys fighting for my love! I'm waken up by the sound of bickering in the back seat. I look back and as crazy at it sounds I think I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Here I am with the grumpy old guy, three shitheads, and a stoner dog!

I end up in the backseat watching a movie thinking I should have rode back here the whole trip. Let me say these kids have it made! We stop at Applebee's to eat. I let the grumpy old guy have a few beers there. We get back on the rode. I put grumpy old guy in the back to watch TWILIGHT! I want him to get what I'm taking about. To my surprise he likes the movie. I knew I liked this grumpy old guy.

We finally get in after midnight on Monday night to shy town! Not what we planned but thank God I had the grumpy old guy with me. More to come with these people I live with soon!