And then there was one.

 So we loaded up and took Cole to college a few weeks ago. We know this is coming right? Well yes we know but we have no idea how fast this comes. Did I prepare myself? Not so much. I ignored the fact that it was coming for me. Reminds me of the Grim Reaper. Waiting for you in the dark. And all the sudden it's here! The time where you have to leave your little boy who isn't so little off on his own. All those horrible questions come to mind....Did I prepare him? Mama guilt comes to mind. Did I teach him enough? Is he strong enough to handle this? Will he listen to anything I've said?
Hopefully half. Will he fall into to pier pressure? Then I panic about my younger years...thanking God I survived. Will he be ok without me? The questions circle my brain every night as I try to sleep. And I can't sleep, most annoying. It literally can drive you to the point of insanity. Way harder than raising them. I've done this before he's my middle child. I thought it would be easier. It was actually harder. Another one gone. When the first left I held on to the fact that I have two more. Little did I know this day would be here in a blink of an eye. I miss him every day. I find it unfair that it went so fast. Cole was my kid that would watch shit TV with me. Make me laugh when we would watch housewives and he would ask me why their teeth looked liked chiclets gum and why they looked so much younger than me even though they were my age. I would  say that is what is called a Hollywood make over. And I could look like that too with plastic surgery and unlimited funds.  But He would tell me I was perfect just like myself. Ok loved him for that! Liar, lair pants on fire. This kid was the best from the time he was little. Carefree and easy. And of course there were a few WTf moments. The first two years of HS were a challenge.  We all need help in these years. But he grew up into a good man, I'm so un believably proud of him.  I honestly I got away with a few hiccups. So much better than what I did. But I will never admit that to him till later in life. Or maybe NEVER.

When I got in the car to leave him behind my heart sank. I felt sick and I could no longer hold back the tears. Ugly cry. I'm going to miss him terribly. So maybe I prepared him but I did not prepare myself. I'm a mess. The struggle is no joke. I have a pit in my stomach. My normal carefree easy going self is angry. I'm not in a good mood at all. Postpartum? Did not have that, I don't think so. I know reading about it it's a horrible thing. But I'm feeling it later in life. I told a friend I'm so depressed I think I'm having postpartum later in life. Friday night lights are so sad. 15 years of this kid playing football and now I don't know what to do with myself. I've been a football mom for 15 years! Practices, games, my social event....all gone. Who am I now? Well lol I know who I am. I have a career I'm busy at work...but damn it's not the same. I'm making this sound all about me....it's not.  I'm 100 percent sure he misses it too. I've never loved changed. It's a big change for me. This is harder on me than him.

So I read everything I could find about a child leaving. What not to do what to do. They say you did your job let them fly. Don't go home and look at all the pictures of them growing up. Did I listen? Hell no! I went home and ugly cried looking at every picture I ever took. And I took a lot. I tried to remember every moment in those pictures. So much history so many memories. UGH Trying to remember all of them. Was I a robot going through the emotions trying to get through those years. Did I take them in? Some yes, others no. I was just trying to get through it honestly at times. Then I thought my nieces are getting older too before my eyes. So I started ugly crying about them too. The struggle is real....Did I say that????

 I got home from taking him and left for work the next day.  I pulled out in front of my house. I stopped my car and looked at my house. I started ugly crying because my house is no longer the same. And never will be the same. The struggle is real. Said that 199 times right? When we moved in this house I had three boys living in it. Under my roof, safe for the most part. I loved this time in my life. I miss this time. Going to their school events. Going to their games. Having them here and their friends in the house. They drove me nuts at times.  Yes he will come home and this will always be his home. But the house will never be the same. They will never be young living here again oh shit I will never be young either. I will never be scrambling to help them with a project they told me about the night before....that I would have cussed like a sailor about. I will never be running behind to get to a field trip I dreaded to go to. Going to his games. There will never be a morning yelling like crazy when no one can find their stuff that for some reason they thought I miss placed.  Never a morning filled with Santa.  Ugh that kills me. I crazy loved Xmas. A night that they broke curfew.  That I waited up madder than a wet hen. A night after a football game where we eat shit food and go over the game. A night where we talk about what's going on in school...where my kids tell me all the bad things the other kids are doing that they are not.....LOL I didn't fall off a turnip truck! The early morning practice where I set my alarm to get them up. The skyword where I checked grades.  Those days have left this house. My house used to be noisy and full of life. Dirty and crazy. It's now quiet and clean...I used to think I would like that. I hate it.  It's lonely now. I'm bored. I used to look forward to coming to home to a house full of kids.  They ate everything in the house even the shit no one would eat. I miss that so much. I'm upset that the old people that warned me about this were right. I'm upset that I'm that I'm the old person telling everyone I know with young kids that it goes fast. I said that too. Ugh repeating myself.  I have become that older annoying person telling you shit you don't want to hear. But I'm here to tell you it goes way too fast!

Yes I have one left. But only two years...It's almost over. He already has one foot out the door. Plus he's pretty easy. I don't have to worry about curfew or last minute projects with him...KNOCK ON WOOD! I feel bad for him too. He might be worst than me. The first week I came across his homework for English. He wrote a paper about his brother. Titled "My partner in crime".  He talked about their years together. How he looked up to him and wanted to be like him. Said it's hard for him to see his brother leave. Last line was he's not only my brother but my best friend. Really cause I wasn't sad enough! It's sad for him he used to having his brothers here and he's alone too. I'm sure he's as bored as me without their drama. So we are all sad in this house. Like I said the struggle is real for all of us.

How many of you parents out there want a do over when your kids leave? I know I do. I've always told my kids I wish you could be 40 and look at your life because you would make different choices. I tell them all the time the choices you make effect the rest of your life. And they do, it's true. I wish I could have been 70 and looked at my choices. Working too much.  Not spending enough time. Getting annoyed not knowing your days are numbered. Being present more. I made my share of big mistakes. Being so stressed out about what other people thought. Who cares what other people think! Too bad I get that now!  Or where my kid ranked or how good of an athlete he was. We all get caught up in the compare game. It's a horrible place to be. In the big picture that doesn't even matter. I always tell my kids HS is four short years of life.  If kids don't like you or your not the best athlete it does not matter in the big picture. Not everyone who likes an apple likes an orange. One of my friends told me that years ago and its so true. Even though there is no reason for them not to like the orange they just don't and that's ok. I tell them there will be people you don't like sometimes for no reason. It's ok. and not everyone will like you either. If you are a good person and kind that's the most important thing. So many people have told me over the years my kids are kind to their kids that is the biggest compliment you can ever give me.  In a perfect world we could re do this crap over! A rewind button would be nice. 

I love my kids more than I ever thought possible. They are bleeding dry right now going to college. Gosh the fabulous boots I could have without college fees! The Condo I could have on lake....Would I change it?  Most days NO some days just don't ask me! Maybe I'll be rich someday when I don't have to pay for all their shit. Or maybe I will be so tired I can't see straight. I suppose there are more good times to come. Right now I feel like I'm in limbo. Waiting for the better times. Like when they get off my payroll. That will be a happy day. College graduations, weddings, grandkids! I will say I look forward to the grandkids time. They will finally get what I've felt and will see why I'm a nut in their minds. I look forward to feeding their kids sugar and sending them home. Payback? Hell yes!

He thinks he can fly, and he can.

 From the time this kid could talk he worried about everything. And I mean everything. I feel bad like he didn't enjoy his youth being worried all the the time. I watched him hold back on a lot of things...sleepovers, rollercoasters, and life if I can speak from the heart. He was my last and my hardest from the start. His brothers were carefree not a worry in the world. That would prove to a problem later. I wanted him to not have a worry in the world while he was young. I cried so many times over how stressed out he always was. One time his third grade teacher called me because he couldn't breath during a test. I cried on the phone with him. And he said let me tell you he is a great student no reason to cry. He told me he almost never sees a child like Aidan that cares so much that it drives them crazy. He told me to hold on because this kid will do great things when it's his time. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday. It was a glimmer of hope when I was at my wits end with him. Eventually after many tearful mornings dropping him off at school he found his way.

 So he thinks he can fly...and he can. The dedication this kid pours into his sport amazes me. He literally works out everyday in our hot garage. He watches youtube videos of all the great pole vaulters. Last school year a kid stole his track shoes. He found out who it was and called him out. The shoes were returned full of the kids piss. I'm not kidding. So he took them home and I cleaned them up. While I was cleaning them I saw something. It was a date written on them. It was the date my husbands brother passed too young. I asked him why he wrote that date on his shoes. He told me he jumps for Jeff. OMG, this took me by surprise. Yes I knew he was sad about this but I had no idea it was this deep. It was a proud moment to say the least. Because the young are not always effected this way. They tend to blow these feelings off.

So he wanted to get on this club team. Because he wants to be the best he can be. I work a lot lately to put these kids through college. Ugh I enjoyed so much more being a stay at home mom. A whole other story...LOL So today on my day off..I don't get many...my decision. We drove two and a half hours to vault. We laughed all the way to this meet. Until we got pulled over..I will get that. He said "mama do you realize you yell cow every time you see one". I said "I love cows"! He says " when you pass I'm going to say you yelled cows every time you saw one and almost killed us trying to look at them". My sister can back his story. I do crazy love cows especially the babies. I should have been a farmer. Anyway we talked on the way about drugs and sex. I was putting my two sense in about is. Not pretty to say the least . Hard conversation when your kids are teens.  You need to talk about it when you can. He was rolling his eyes at me. We stopped at Buc-ees best place ever! Don't even know if I spelled it right. But I enjoyed the ride with him. Got pulled over, twenty miles over....big ticket. The guy was from Dripping. Thank God. I told him we were from Drip. Aidan said I got out of it because I'm cute......he laughed because he was lying, it's because the guy grew up in dripping.....not because I'm cute buzz kill really.  Kid can also be a BS'er.

We got there and he got grouped with the elite vaulters. So he was stressed since most were seniors. Like I said a worry wort. At first I thought he would no height. And we just drove a long way. Not because he couldn't do it but because it got in his head. But he held his own. He was in the group with all kids older than him. He did amazing coming in sixth place. Almost got 14 feet. Most of the kids he went up against have college offers. I'm so proud of him. I know this kid will do anything it takes to vault college level. He surprises me and impresses me daily.

So on our way home he was disappointed he didn't vault 14 feet. He got 13'6. He vaulted 14 at his practice. So the conversation on the way home was disappointment. But the thing that got me the most was when he said "Are you ready for this"? I said "what"? He said "Are you ready for me to be your focus and put me first in all these meets and travel with me so I can do better"? "Ugh yes I am". But what I didn't get is that I had put so much in his older brothers football that he felt left behind. Yes I'm here to watch you fly and you will. Last one we are tired but damn they matter too. I will be there to watch you fly my love!

And OMG, I ramble not writer and bad grammar it is what it is..... don't judge

They eventually leave.

Did I ever think the years would go so fast.....umm not so much. Could I imagine I would miss feeling like I could pull every hair out of my head. Or miss the fighting or the missing shoes. The driving around to school and 100 million practices and games. The grocery store nightmare trips. The endless hours of homework. Trying to google crap because I am no longer smarter than a fifth grader. Feeling like a gerbil caught in an endless wheel. Miss Christmas morning and scrambling to put the toys together. Taking care of all their needs. Putting out their clothes, backpacks, lunches, and making sure everything was ready to go. Running crap up to school because they forgot something. The endless carpool line. Picking up 100 things off the floor. Tripping over toys. The toys go away some day. It's a sad day we don't remember. The endless sleepovers that kept you up all dang night. Solving their problems and helping them grow up. The mistakes they make. Dirty clothes and endless laundry. Being needed so much for everything that you lose yourself for a while. Finding them in my bed because they had a bad dream. Going to all their games and more and more games. Gosh I'm going to miss those games. Helping with all their school parties. Trying to bring the best things for those parties. Parent teacher meetings. Talent shows, so much that it made your head spin at times. The times your are so proud and the times you want to bury your head in sand. Your so tired and worn out not enjoying these things as much as you should.  Well I'm here to tell you I miss every single bit of it. The good the bad and the evil.

I find myself wondering when was the last time I was able to carry them to bed before they got to heavy. There was a last time for that and I wish I remembered when it was. Because there becomes a time where you have those last moments with your children. The sad thing is you won't remember that day. You won't realize it's that day. You will not hold them just a little tighter because you don't know its the last time. I don't remember the last bath I gave them either. I dreaded bath time. I was tired the last thing I wanted to do was help them bathe. I probably didn't even bathe myself somedays. What you don't think about when your in the gerbil wheel is they eventually leave and it comes faster than you will ever imagine. When they do you feel lost. You want all those moments back again. As hard as it all was you miss them and those days. You miss the day that your child no longer looked like a child. You don't even remember the day that changed either. But there will come a day when the babyface and the baby fat is long gone forever. Even though it is happening before your eyes you can not pin point that day. All the sudden their voices change and they are way bigger than you. You don't recognize them. you can not believe it either.

I find as much as I'm so sad this part of my life is forever over I'm wondering what is my place in life now. You are sad they are gone and you in this time in your life is gone too. I have forever been a Mom.  At every game and every school event. What will I do with myself??? I do have my baby for two more years. My un planned baby as I call him. My little blessing.  So thankful I got him. Couldn't ask for a better kid.  Even if I was sure he was my girl. Never got that girl....and I'm such a girl mom. Can''t believe I got three boys! I'm a girly girl...I needed a girl. Better get a granddaughter.
I crazy love my boys even if everyone of them was my girl before I knew.  But as I know now the days are numbered. It will be gone in a blink of an eye. These boys who called my name 1000 times a day are grown up now. I used to yell and I mean yell if I hear MOMMMMMMMY one more time I may scratch my eyeballs out! But the Mommmmmy eventually stops. Then it goes to MOM! Another thing  you don't remember when you went from Mommy to Mom. They stop calling you Mommy someday too. Unless you are my friend Ashley who still calls her Mom Mommy. I love that BTW! What I would give to look at those baby faces calling me Mommy again. I miss those days so much. More than they get....only other Mom's get this.

Again when your kids leave you struggle with it. Struggle with what your supposed to do now. It's all you know at this point. Its hard to let go. Even if their rooms are a mess and they are testing everything in you as teenagers. Paying for your raising comes to mind. They think they know more than you and you are stupid and know nothing. They think you are crazy and ridiculous. They argue about everything to prove you wrong. But you know your right even if they don't get it yet. Maybe trying to help you let them go. NOOOO they are not that smart they are just immature and have no idea what it is to be a parent yet. They will get it someday. I'll be there sitting on their sofa laughing a tad bit when they struggle with it. I wish even for me that we could look back as an elderly person at ourselves and learn from that. If we aged in reverse we enjoy things so much more.

I can cry lately at anything. I think about my kids and my journey with them and I tear up a the drop of a hat. How did I get here so fast.  Crying in my car and on my sofa at night. Crying at every memory. Thankful I wrote in this blog years ago. I read back at it now enjoying and laughing and crying about all the stories. I would have forgotten some of those stories if I didn't blog about them. I'm so glad I wrote about it. Some day they will get to read them too. They will owe me a facelift...LOL They were honest and raw, but it was our story. The good the bad and evil as I call it. Hub's used to be so mad at my honest blog telling me I was being judged for my honesty about life and marriage. But motherhood and marriage is hard it's not all fun and games. It comes with good times and hard times. No parent is perfect and no kid is perfect! Noooo marriage is perfect either. It's so much work honestly. So worth it too.

As much as this is a downer post I know there are good times to come. I look forward to college graduations, weddings, and grandkids! There is much more to come. Even if I'm super sad my days as Mommmmmy is gone. But I can't wait to watch them in their rolls as parents someday. So like I said eventually they leave so enjoy them while they are there. I might have become that old lady telling people with young kids to enjoy it because it goes so fast.....ughhhhh I remember those people telling that thinking they were nuts! They are not nuts they were right. Eventually they leave...and things are forever changed! It's probably the hardest thing I've gone through in my life so far. People it's not easy to send them off into the world. Again not a writer, I ramble it's how I
 talk and I'm noooo writer it is what it is!

Mourning is real

So it's been a while.....a long ass while. I used to write in this blog everyday when my kids were younger. Thank the heavens I stopped when they were teenagers. I lost friends for my honest posts years ago. I might have lost everyone when they became teens. OHHHH what they put me through. Honestly I got away with the normal teenage WTF's! Nothing that killed me. Most of us have them. Some of us get away without them. Few and far between though. I kinda hate-envy those ones that get the perfect kids we dream about. Mine have aged me to say the least. Broke me down, gave me grey hairs, made my face resemble a candle melting. They gave me a run for the money and stole all my money at the same time. For the most part I have enjoyed the hell out of these years......yeahhh I'm lying. Teenage years are for the birds. I totally enjoyed the younger years way more. I depended on my girlfriends, my sister, my mother, and family to get me through these years. I had my girlfriends who had teenagers as well to compare our messed up stories to. My sister to remind me how awful I was at that age and to insure me my kids couldn't touch my stories.  Honestly...they did better than me.  My mother to tell me it goes fast and I will miss these days. I did fix it all with a little booze and a tiny bit of botox in that damn I'm so mad line.

But here I am with another one on graduation day. Thinking where the hell did these years go...really. Hard to believe I mean really hard to believe this part of life has passed me by.  It's an odd feeling. Should I be happy? I should....but I'm really not. If I have to be honest. I'm mourning. Wishing I enjoyed all those WTF moments more. They weren't all bad moments. There were so many perfect moments too. Way more perfect moments for sure. The Christmas times...I crazy loved being Santa. Even after they found out it wasn't real. That was a sad day for me. Probably more sad for me than for them. I find myself looking through pictures trying to capture all the memories and all the joy in those times. Thinking how can those times have gone so fast. Those old ass people who warned us about this were right. But now we are those odd asses warning the young ones that time is flying. What I would give to go back and start over. I think about this more than I should. So take it from me. Read more to them. Don't tell them to go away cause you are busy with work or cleaning. It can wait cause you don't get this time back. Enjoy the short time you have with them. Ugh looking through all my memories and pictures I would give anything to enjoy them more. I wish I wasn't so stressed out and would have taken more time to hug them and tell them I crazy love them because they were the best thing I ever did.

I watched them and was there for most of their first moments. First steps, first tooth, first cold, first day of school, last day of school. First teams they were a part of. I was there when they couldn't sleep or didn't feel good. I got snotted on, puked on, and shit on literally. We went on many vacations together. I watched them learn to swim and learn to ski. I was there for their mistakes. There for the failures and their successes. I watched them grow from the start, what a blessing it has been. I have laughed with them, cried with them, yelled at them. and might have hid in my closet and cried alone at times. We made many family traditions together. I have taken at least one million pictures of them. I'm so glad now! They have broke my heart and they have healed my heart...sometimes all in the same day. I have hurt for them and I have rejoiced for them. I could go on and on. So much comes flooding through. I find myself crying a lot lately at everything. Mourning every single bit of it.

So I'm here getting ready to send another one off into the world. I question everything I ever did. Thinking I could have done a better a job preparing him to go out in the world. Taught him to cook more and clean more. But I think he's so kind and has such a good heart. He is so nice to everyone. Since he was little so many people would pull me aside and tell me Cole was so nice to the special needs kids. That makes me so happy. So I did a little right. He's not the smartest kid in school but he's a nice kid. I could have done so many things for this kid better. I think we all struggle with this. Read more, spent more time, didn't ignore him when I was tired, taken more time with him. I really wished after looking at every picture I would have enjoyed that time more. Not been so stressed out. Not cared what other people thought. Because those were probably the the best years of my life. I used to love traditions and gave up the last few years when I went to work. I wish I didn't. I would take a do over for sure!

So sending a boy off to college is mind boggling.  I'm scared that he will not get up for class. He will struggle to get good grades. I worry all the time. I really want him to be the best he can. But I think we all worry about our kids.  Gosh I love this kid. He has a girlfriend now.  He's such a good boyfriend.  I'm so proud of him he's so respectful to her. I watch him and I'm really impressed that he's a true gentleman with her. He's a good boyfriend and a good friend to his friends. He's not perfect but he has a great heart. That makes me more proud than anything else.


Funny when you have kids you struggle with the compare game. It gets more intense when it's time to go to college. Well I found it was intense all through school. Who has the best grades, who is the best athlete, who is not a bully, who is not drinking in HS, who has not gotten in trouble.... and so and so on....You see the kids getting into great colleges and the business school, the engineering school. getting scholarships, and getting on teams. When your kid doesn't you feel you didn't do your job. Ugh it's so hard. I didn't do great in school but I made it. I found my way. Hopefully my kid will find his way too.

As much as I have taught them they taught me so much more. They taught me unconditional love. To love so hard it hurts at time. To trust, to feel deeply, to accept failure, and to enjoy the good moments. They taught me to love my parents more. I know what it is to be a parent now. They taught me patience. They taught me how to power through the tough times. They made me a better person. Taught me not to be selfish. I love them for what they gave me back. I hope they always know how much I love them.

So to the mourning. God help me I'm mourning seriously. Selfish I know. Ugh this is the hardest thing I've been through. Like I said I've been through this. Thought it be easier. Nope harder, I'm a mess honestly  I'm sad every second lately....What I would give back to go over and start over. I loved every minute of raising this kid. Loved this last year of football where he shined and proved himself. This year where he beat the odds. This kid crazy loved football from as long as I can remember. I loved watching that. This kid got first team all district.  He rocked it. He has been playing since kinder. Long time coming. But back to mourning. Mourning is an understatement I can't imagine my life without this kid, He makes me laugh everyday..really. I will miss him forever and wish I could bottle him at about age  ten. He was such an awesome kid. I'm so sad that my time as his Mom in this way is gone. I know I will forever be his mother but the time as a youth is forever gone, So like I said mourning those years is a real thing.  And I'm so sad....really Sorry I'm not a writer  or an English wiz so it is what it is. Don't judge