Aidan is turning 11 and my head happens to be spinning

So my baby is going to be 11 tomorrow. When I say baby, he is my baby. The last one, the unplanned one, (whole other story) the one who was supposed be that girl I always wanted!  But he didn't turn out to be that girl I wanted. I still dream of pink shit and bows but at least I have two nieces now. But he turned out amazing kind of. He came with the typical…"WTF", was I thinking moments. From the beginning he was not an easy kid. He cried and I mean cried from about two weeks old till about a year. There are a few people in my life that remember this time. I barley remember, I may have blocked some of it. The kid was only somewhat happy if I had him in a strange position and walked him around patting his tummy. I swear when I think about that time it makes me cringe. I don't have great memories of him in the beginning. Plus I had a two year old and a five year old! Hello padded cell my name is Kerry!

But we pushed through it. Mostly because you don't have a choice. My other two were a walk in the park compared to him. Eventually he settled down, stopped crying, and became as normal as I can expect him to be. He out of all my kids to this day is a Mama's boy. I swear the other two would be fine without me…but not this one. As a mom I should relish in the fact that this kid is so attached to me. But it's not like that for me. I feel bad for him. Because he misses out on a lot being afraid of things and wanting me around for everything. I could almost cry writing about him. As much as I think he has been such a great kid I feel bad that he is a prisoner to anxiety. Always has been. My over thinker for sure. He's afraid of things kids shouldn't be. He has stood back a lot and watched because of over thinking and fear. I have stood back a lot trying to assure him he will be fine but it never works.

So he does awesome in school, never a problem. Does his homework, cares about his work. When he plays sports he puts his all into it. He is a coaches dream. Not to mention a teachers dream. Even goes home and watches "YouTube" videos of pitching baseball over and over….to the point that it drives me insane. Just so he can be the best he can be. I love that he cares so much.  I never get anything but compliments about him from coaches and teachers. He wins a knights of guild award every year for being a great student. My other two never got this, so when he gets it they get mad. They say…"How does he get this every year?". But the teachers and the coaches  don't see behind the scenes. My baby suffers from extreme panic disorder. He sometimes hyperventilates to the point where I think about taking him to the hospital. He fears crazy stuff. The signs were there from the time he was little. He used to not wear a shirt outside because he thought those big black birds would carry him off. I used to laugh at his silly thoughts until I realized they were true fears to him. Fears that made him feel crazy. It became real to me when he started school. I was not used to a kid crying about going to school. At least not after the first two days. This kid is in the fifth grade now. I have been dealing with him being afraid to go to school for six years now. He doesn't fear school. For some strange reason he fears something will happen to me while he is at school. When I talk to him about why he is upset he always says.."If something bad happens, I can't get to you". Woe is me, that's a big thought. One that would have scared me if I really thought about anything besides boys at his age. I don't understand it but after therapy they say it's real to him. Breaks my heart in a way.

He has had some really big attacks. Shaking uncontrollably. I could hardly get him to calm down. When this happens as a parent you feel so helpless, nothing you can say is helping. I can't even describe how heartbreaking it is….never went through this with his brothers. So until you see this first hand you have no idea how bad it is. I find myself crying after these spells….feeling defeated and broken. I have had conversation after conversation with teachers and doctors about him. Most of his teaches say his day starts out bad but ends up alright. Made me sad when one teacher told me he hid under a hoodie crying the first hour of school. But I have to make him go….hoping that he will finally be ok.  He is a popular kid, I guess the kids don't notice his issues yet. I have this fear that someday they will and make fun of him. A doctor once told me his brain was not working right. So he talked me into medication for him. At this point my mornings had become so bad I would have tried anything. I was hoping he would just get help with coping. But this doctor assured me that meds were the way to go. I do believe that to be true for a lot of people but he was so little at the time.

I put him on meds….hoping for the best. My biggest hope was that he would do sleep overs and normal kid stuff without freaking out. Plus go to school and feel normal and calm. I hate that he is in turmoil most days. The first week was good, he seemed calmer. Went to school with no issues. But then he started humping the air, acting like an animal…crawling around like a weirdo, and peeing in the yard. Not to mention extreme stomach pain. Wanted to go streaking naked through the hood. Yes, he was not afraid…but um…streaking naked and peeing in the yard??? I thought shit…this is weird. This was not at all my Aidan. So I took him off the meds. I'm sad cause at his age he's missing sleepovers, roller coasters, and just being a carefree kid. Today we deal with panic almost everyday. Not extreme ones…those happen every few months. But when they happen they are bad. But still a panic feeling everyday. When he gets a little older I will try meds again. but I'm truly heartbroken this kid can not just be kid sometimes! He misses a lot. But, he's the greatest gift I was never expecting. Wouldn't change a thing…except his panic! One of his most favorite teachers once told me……"Aidan…is one of those kids you see once in awhile when you teach…..an over thinker for sure….yes your dealing with a lot with him now…but mark my words if you coach him through this he will do great things in life"! Wow, I hope he is right….cause so far nothing has worked out the way I pictured in my head as a girl. When things get bad and I feel helpless I hold on to those words that teacher told me. I only hope for all my kids they will be healthily , happy, and of course wealthy…..mama's going to need some work after raising three boys! Happy Birthday to my worry wort…aka..pig pen!

Teenagers and what they think????

So it's late and I can't sleep. I find myself thinking about my week. My oldest and I were talking about grades. He had bombed a test. I was trying to school him on how important grades are for him now. He was telling about everyone who bombed it more. I say…."why are you comparing yourself to people who failed the test???". He is arguing with me that I don't know how hard it is! I say…"What about the people who nailed it it?". "Why aren't you comparing yourself to them??". He rolls his eyes as he does often….says again…"School was way easier when I was there, I just don't get it". I say…as I run in place at my island…"How would you know that, you weren't around when I was there!". He says…Why are you running in place, you look stupid…..and I know this because my teachers tell me things are way harder now".  Damn teacher for giving him a way out! Love all the teachers too, just please don't give them an excuse…they take it and run with it! I say "I'm running in place to burn calories, and I'm tired of him making excuses and comparing himself to the bottom of the barrel". He says…"Well you look stupid running in place, you have done Zumba and not lost any weight, when are you going to get you need to eat right and run??". I say…"Are you trying to avoid the subject??". I start to dance around the island. He looks at me and says…"Why are you dancing, you are so weird and embarrassing". I say…"well your weird and embarrassing failing a test". I tell him I'm friends with some of the teachers and he's making me look bad!! He tells me that his failing grade is wrong the teacher has just not fixed it! Yes I coughed up something that sounded like BS. Then he says…"you look ridiculous dancing around the island". I say "I don't care, dancing around the island puts me in happy place, you should be happy, If I wasn't dancing I'd be even more mad". This is how most nights go in our house! Dance is good for us! Just saying! Teenagers on the other hand are not that great!

Bringing my past into my present.

 This past summer my Grandparents house was being remolded by the new owners. Of course we had to go snooping around it! They were pretty much gutting it. So yes we were snooping but no one was living there. I saw this window in a trash pile. So I did what any grieving Granddaughter would do. I saved it! I had no idea what I would do with it! I just wanted it. It has sat in my rental garage under a blanket. Then in my new house garage under a blanket.

So the other night after finally organizing my pantry which I will get into on the next picture. I got inspired. Maybe it was the pantry, maybe it was the beer! Whatever it was I got inspired. Yep already said that! I have a bad habit of repeating myself. So I put it up and stood back staring at it. Yes, I'm sappy and got a tear. Trying to decide if I liked it there or not. When I first put it up it was just the window. Kind of boring. Plus I added an outlet that you could see through the window. I decided it needed something hanging from it to hide the outlet. I got up on the fireplace and tried to flip the window around so the pulley thing was at the top. While trying to balance at the same time as rotate. (which is never a smart idea in my world) The window started to fall. All I could think about is the saved window breaking. Breaking after surviving 78 years! So as it fell I held onto it and jumped backwards off the fireplace. I caught it but damn if it didn't almost knock my ass out! It hit my square across my nose as I fell. It hurt so bad I almost puked.

I'm a weird one so I was thinking "what is my Grandma trying to say"??? She hates the window on my mantel???? Well really I don't think that. Just plain bad frickin luck. I'm happy with it. It makes me smile when I walk by. Reminds me of my Grandparents house. I have brought the best part of my past into my future. I do have a huge gash on my nose from it. I look like a battered wife. Plus my nose is very swollen…..Hoping at this point it goes back to normal. Not loving what my face looks like with a swollen nose! Nose job in my future???? Maybe! Facelift…of course!

So tonight I was playing with options for the mantel around the window. I put some owls around it. I send a picture to my sister and said…"Owls or no owls????". She responded right away with…"I like it without the owls". I responded…"Ok thanks, I'll keep them up. You have no design sense! LOL". She responds…"good one". I put the picture on Facebook to mess with her. Said Owls or no Owls???? Everyone says no owls! WTF, do people have against hooters?????

So to the pantry. My Aunt Margie who is very attached to my Grandparents house had asked if anyone wanted anything from it. I married a furniture man so I didn't need any of that stuff. I asked for strange things. I asked for a cross made of matches that hung on my Grandparents wall since I was born. It was made by one of their kids a long time ago. Pig Pen claimed that for his room….Made me smile! I kind of love that. So I let him have it. I took a few Mary statues too. One is outside my house, one is in my kitchen, and one sits on my night stand. I came from a catholic Irish family! My Grandpa made a work bench in his basement. My Grandpa loved his basement. He spent a lot of time there by his work bench drinking Old Style like a true catholic Irishman. When I would visit him he would sit at the kitchen table for a while doing crossword puzzles and going through coupons. That man loved free shit from his coupons. He always ended up in the basement sitting by that work bench. I being a wanderer would wander down to the basement to talk to him sometimes. I would find him sitting by that work bench drinking his Old Style. I liked to sit down there with him and talk. Plus he stored all his coupon shit down there. I loved looking at all the boxes of cereal, paper towels, mac and cheese, and toilet paper! If the world ever was about to end I could survive in there for a while! He would always send me home with a box or two of cereal.

So when Aunt Margie asked what we wanted I thought about that work bench. I wanted those drawers. I knew at the time I was building my dream pantry within my budget. I really wanted these for my pantry. These were in our storage unit when we rented. Hubs got some stuff out and the drawers were part of it. He said "I'm looking forward to using these to store stuff". I said.."I took these for the pantry….sorry". So I put together my pantry the other night. I love these drawers. Mostly because they are from my Grandparents house. I also love that my Grandpa wrote on them. Miss him and Grandma A lot.  My kids were making fun of them because one says.."Markers". They were like there are no markers in there! I said…shut THE F#$% up…….just kidding…seeing if your listening! I only say that shit in my head a lot! It sounds silly but my pantry makes me happy! It reminds me how much I love and miss my Grandparents! Don't roll your eyes….Grandparents are the best thing in the world! They are the people who just love you! No judgement just true love!

Highlights from my week…….My sister was just here. She got me poo-pourri spray for my bathroom. Pig Pen asked what it was for. I told him it is to get the poo smell out of the potty when you poop. I was walking by the bathroom the other night. I caught a glimpse of Pig Pen spraying it into the toilet. I asked WT f@#$ he was doing! He responded "I'm doing what it is for…spraying my poop with it!". Yep, I belly laughed…..Said "you don't spray your actual poop with it, you spray the air". So I call my sister aka.."twisty" and tell her the story. She says"um your both wrong, you don't spray the air, you spray the potty before you poop". Who knew??????

Another funny story is bad weather days. We are not prepared for those here. So I find out there is no school friday due to bad weather again! I'm texting with friends. About to shoot myself. I'm not that perfect mom who loves these days! I want my break from them. So there is this group message going. I say…"I'm not telling my kids there is no school cause I want them to go to bed". I want the TV and the computer. I think one of my friends who I will not mention told her child what I said! Her kid informed one of mine there was no school. It spread like wild fire in my house! Blake…aka the not so charming prince came down wanting a ride to spend the night out! Got me when he told me for my bday which is Tuesday he would write me a note about what a great mom I am….so I folded and let Hubs drive him there! Then Pig Pen ran down and said "No bed time". Woe is me . I was all ready to watch shit TV and chill! Thank you very much to my friends kid who ruined my night! You know who you are and I will pay you back!

While I write this blog post Pig Pen my youngest is face timing girls. He is only ten. With my first I would have been all over his ass…claiming it's not appropriate for his age! What I have learned is it doesn't matter at that age! HS is when you need to worry…plus he's my third…I'm tired! It is was it is…if he heard half of what I've said he will be ok! Let the girls parents stop it!!!!

So I'm off to bed…..one needs to be at the school at 5:45 for a power lifting meet! The other needs to be at baseball at 9:30….all I can think about is a sister wife would be the answer to my prayers! Especially if she puts out! Wow that was bad……but that is me…f@#$ it! Night y'all…too tired to proof read! so sorry for bad grammar and mistakes…I'm not a writer…just an on line blogger!